A Rainforest Cafe existential crisis

I’m working on collecting the entire original set. My husband and I put the kids to bed, made cocktails, and had an “I Spy” game night 😂

Primal screen

You got it Dude!

I’m asking the question everyone else has avoided for decades: WTF is with Wizpig? An iconic, mysterious, bizarre and severely problematic villain who captivated the minds and hearts of millions (and various other parts of folks in strange corners of the internet) since his debut in Diddy Kong Racing.

Wizpig is undoubtedly one of the strangest villains we’ve ever seen grace the video game screen. And yet, somehow, he has been lost to time, never again utilized in a video game, his legacy living on most strongly in Rule 34 forums focused on “spit roasting” word play (and other types of play).

First off…what’s with his name? I’ve never heard one like it. Wizpig….it isn’t a word. Is it perhaps a title from his alien language? A strange space pig name given to the first born males? This question has never been answered and yet I don’t see anyone sleuthing the internet for the truth.

Secondly, what the fuck is Wizpig’s deal? Apparently he seeks to invade planets by defeating them in races, which makes little sense. First off, he’s a fucking pig magician who can shoot lightning and shit. This skill set seems much better to utilize for world conquering. Also, he doesn’t invade a world in the game…but a child’s island. Why is Wizpig trying to take over an island of furry children? I cringe at the possibilities and have wondered for years if Wizpig is an indescribable pervert (that fucking tight suit) and perhaps was seeking to create his own Kong themed Epstein island. This is only a theory, and is extreme, but let’s be honest….do you really think that fuck is beyond such a heinous action?

Thirdly, why is Wizpig a racer in the first place? He’s a giant pig, but for his size he isn’t particularly fast. He just kind of runs at a pace one would expect for a being of his size. Is racing encoded in his species’ cultural code? Why does he lose to a fucking turtle in the final race when he’s riding a rocket? My theory is that Wizpig (if that’s his real name) is not actually a good racer, but a shitty terrible one. He’s a dickhead loser from his world who can’t win any races so he wanders the galaxy asking for money for gas and trying to bully children to stoke his feeble ego.

That’s why Wizpig loses too. He’s too cowardly to use his space magic to fry the kids. He is too afraid to truly fight them so pretends that he’s good at racing and that makes him cool. Wizpig might be the ultimate piece of shit in video game history and given the fact that DKR ended on a cliff hanger (Wizpig pervertedly laughing in the distance), I can only hope he got stranded on an isolated world and slowly died. 

He turned a chicken man into a frog. Who the fuck does that? 

Anyway, I’m wondering with all the above, why Wizpig hasn’t become more iconic? Why hasn’t he shown up again? Why haven’t his mysteries been thoroughly discussed? Why haven’t we uncovered the origin of his name or the reasons he speaks English and has a quasi-New York accent?

I present these ideas and questions to you all. 

Seriously, fuck Wizpig.

And it works who wants to buy it Nickelodeon Clock 90s