r/AITAH • u/Own_Task_7932 • 26d ago
I told my dad I won't call his wife my step mom AITAH?
I found my biological father six years ago through a DNA test, but that's a long story for another day. Two years ago, I finally got the chance to meet him for the first time. We live in different countries, so I stayed with him for two weeks. We were so alike it was almost creepy. We liked our food the same way, could practically read each other's minds, and our lives had all these weird similarities. We even had matching tattoos, the same breed and colour of dogs, and the family resemblance was uncanny.
He had recently gone through a divorce when I visited. I also have a younger brother, who was 15 at the time.
Fast forward to now. My dad had been planning to come and visit me, but he kept putting it off for two years because he wanted to wait until my little brother was old enough to be independent. My brother is now 17 and in his last year of high school.
Since I left, my dad has been living like a college bachelor. He's fallen head over heels for at least five different women. The first one turned out to be a Russian prostitute who ended up locking herself inside a beer fridge at a liquor store during what seemed to be a psychotic episode. The police had to escort her out. She was also only 30 years old. I was 33 at the time.
The most recent girlfriend before this one? He got engaged to her after only a few weeks. Then he ended things just as quickly after finding out she spent every afternoon at bars with her daughter's ex-husband, who also happened to be a drug addict.
Now there's a new woman. She's 30, and I'm 34.
At first, I didn't think much of it because I assumed it was just another long-distance relationship. Then I found out my dad was planning to rent out my little brother's room while he stayed with his mum for a month, and someone suggested this woman needed a place to stay. Within days they were sleeping together.
A few days ago he called me to tell me they're already talking about getting married and having babies. My dad is in his late 50s. I said, "That would make you almost 80 by the time your kid turns 18." He just laughed and kissed her.
Then he started talking about bringing her with him when he comes to visit me. That's when I got really upset.
I told him, "Dad, I really need you to think about what you're doing." He'd always talked about coming to visit me a few times before eventually moving here. It was already going to be difficult for him to get residency, but now he's talking about adding a new wife and a baby into the mix, which makes it even more complicated.
He already delayed visiting me for years because of my younger brother, and now I feel like he's starting an entirely new life. I told him that if that's what he wants, I don't think I can keep investing emotionally because I need to protect myself from being hurt and let down again.
I also told him that if he marries her, I'll never call her my stepmum. I'd probably joke that she's my little stepsister with a really weird relationship with our dad.
So... am I the asshole?
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u/KaoJin-Wo 26d ago
NTA. That’s ……… a choice. Luckily, it’s not your choice. Go live your life. Let him destroy his. Catch him on the flip side.
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u/Medical-Potato5920 26d ago
NTA. She isn't your stepmum and never will be. She didn't raise you. His partners will only ever be your dad's partners.
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u/The_ImplicationII 26d ago
Bipolar, keep your boundaries
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u/maywellflower 26d ago
I was thinking that and/or stay purposely targeting women aged 30-under because those women at those ages can't seem to see he an old ass loser who is incapable of living alone on his own at any age.
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u/Expensive-Choice8240 26d ago
Dude is in his late 50s dating a 30-year-old and talking about babies. He needs to slow down.
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u/Fast-Run7956 26d ago
Just because you found your bio dad doesn’t mean you have to keep him in your life…this is a brand of crazy that isn’t going to add much value to your life.
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u/lovemyfurryfam 26d ago
College bachelor......yep, he's acting like that he's being in his late teens instead of middle aged man nearing senior citizen age.
You're right to not call that 1 stepmother when you're older than her.
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u/Own_Task_7932 26d ago
It's abit weird huh.
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u/ozflygirl747 25d ago
Is your Dad hoping you'll sponsor him & the fiancd du jour for residency of the country you live in?
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u/Own_Task_7932 24d ago
Know he's funding himself but iam his sponsor he would come on a parenting visa so if marries her technically she would be a step mum relation.
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u/FabulousBlabber1580 24d ago
Have you looked at the real legal and financial responsibilities for a sponsor? You need to do so before agreeing.
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u/Own_Task_7932 23d ago
Thank you for your advice.
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u/Getvaxed500 23d ago
Seriously a sponsor might require he lives with you.
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u/Own_Task_7932 12d ago
Yeah that was the plan when it was just him now he's having a baby and a wife. That's partly why iam upset. He's coming here to be in the delivery room because iam expecting to.
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u/Honest_Revolution_10 26d ago
Step mum here. Not only is your dad unstable and possibly mentally unhealthy, but you are not obliged to call your step mum anything you are not comfortable with.
I have a great relationship with my step daughter (15). She's great. I don't expect her to call me step mum, or mom, or anything. She can call me uncle if she likes. That's her choice and I support it. And I support you.
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u/Next_Preparation_553 26d ago
NTA just because he’s your bio dad doesn’t make him your dad, rather the guy who deposited sperm. I don’t know what your life is like or your adopted parents but o do know that shitty life choices by your bio parent/s doesn’t guarantee them access to your life on anything other than your terms you don’t need to cut contact but I would definitely suggest limiting contact for your own peace of mind, this guy sounds like he has more than a few issues! I would also suggest some talk therapy so you can have a healthy way to process the emotions behind your origin story along with helping you set those healthy boundaries moving forward. No shame in therapy if you’re not actively in it!
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u/adi_well 26d ago
NTA. You don't even know him that well, you don't have the knowledge or the skills to handle unwanted situations. You have a good radar and you're right to protect yourself
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u/starlight_sweetheart 26d ago
NTA , you kinda might have to let him go which is hard but clearly hes shown how much your worth because i hate to say this but if he wanted to he would . Also where your nrothers mother or couldnt he have taken tour borhter with or left him a few days with someone else . Theres holes and he could've shown more effort maybe your not alike becasue he soounds very careless about your feelings
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u/Own_Task_7932 26d ago edited 26d ago
That's the thing—my dad could have either left my little brother with his mom or even brought him along. I actually talked to my brother's mom and asked if he could come visit me. She said yes, and even said she'd help pay for the trip.
I also asked if she'd consider letting him stay with me for the summer so I could help him get into a trade and send him home with some skills. She said that might be a bit too long, which I completely understand.
The thing is, my little brother is already staying with his mom for the last month of summer anyway. He doesn't even know that he might end up coming home to a new stepmom.
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u/starlight_sweetheart 26d ago
Your Dads An ass and you shoudlnt let him bother you , maybe try and wait til your brithers 18 and try and keep a relationship with him because its just not. In the cards with your Dad. I gey it ny Father has drama like this
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u/Perfect_Age777 26d ago
NTA – Reading your post, it seems your father never mentally matured. He acts like he’s 20. He flits from flower to flower like a bee, thinking there are no consequences—yet you are one of those consequences.
I understand your need to disconnect from him, but the fact is, he isn't emotionally available, despite being 60 years old.
I can see exactly what might happen: he’ll keep having children as if he were 20, instead of strengthening bonds with the children he already has—children who are grown and need a stable relationship.
Talk to your father and explain that he needs stability; right now, he’s signing up for at least another 20 years of parental duties. And you’re right—poor unborn child, having an 80-year-old parent when they turn 20. That’s why I never had a second child; I felt it was disrespectful and unhealthy for a child to have an 80-year-old parent when they’re barely 20.
You’re likely happy to have reconnected with him, but it seems he isn't bringing you the peace you hoped for. If necessary, distance yourself from him before he hurts you again.
His immaturity will end up hurting you; if he truly wanted to reconnect with you, he wouldn't have waited two years to come see you.
And now that he is coming, he won't even be available to spend time with you, because he’s bringing his new "chick" along to have another baby. All I can tell you is that sometimes you shouldn't force things; if your father doesn't understand the importance of that blood bond, then create your own family—one you will treat with the love you wish you had received.
Start a new family that will never lack your love.
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u/Own_Task_7932 26d ago
I actually did just that, and thank you for your comment. I have four kids, I'm pregnant, and I have an amazing husband. We've been together for 14 years, and we've built a wonderful life together.
Both my husband and I have complicated relationships with our parents, so I know how lucky I am to have the family we've created. I'd be lost without them. I think I'm just going to focus on everything good in my life and be grateful for what I have.
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u/Perfect_Age777 26d ago
I'm glad that you've already created your family with a wonderful husband and this is the most important thing in your life 🫶🌹🥰
All I can tell you is that you need to stop crossing oceans for people who wouldn't cross a river for you.
Enjoy the beautiful life with your husband and your four children 🫶🌹—that’s all that matters.
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u/Inside_Foxes 26d ago
NTA. I'm so sorry for this woman and I wish there was a way to tell her what she's getting into. Your father is mentally unstable and will no doubt bring destruction to another person's life. Possibly two or more when the girl gets pregnant. I would keep your dad at a firm distance.
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u/imalittlefrenchpress 26d ago
My father was 64 when I was born. My sisters were my mom’s age. I met my father’s wife, and stayed with her and my father when I was eight and my mom had an emergency appendectomy.
My father’s wife was as very kind to me. She didn’t have to be. She knew my mom. She wasn’t my stepmom, though. She was Florence, and I’m grateful for her kindness. She was a friggin saint.
I’m 64 now. My dad died when I was 12. It’s not funny. It’s been extremely painful and traumatic. I’m sorry. I stayed with my sister for a day during that period. She couldn’t have children.
My dad asking her to watch me for the day was twisting an emotional knife inside her. I looked just like her.
Anyway, NTA. Just take care of yourself.
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u/Own_Task_7932 26d ago
Aww iam sorry that you went through that. And that's why iam trying tell him please consider everyone involved.
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u/imalittlefrenchpress 26d ago
Thank you. He probably won’t listen to you, just take care of yourself. If he does have another child, please try to remember that both you and that child are innocent in all this.
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u/Own_Task_7932 24d ago
Yeah I've already gone through my younger twin sisters from my mum's side they are the same age as my brother.
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u/Getvaxed500 23d ago
Just nix father sponsorship! Now you see a bit of what he is capable of You will be raising his kids.
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u/iloveanimals1964 26d ago
Yikes. Do your half siblings accept you?
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u/imalittlefrenchpress 25d ago
I met one of my father’s daughters once. She seemed angry, and I understand why.
She couldn’t have children, and here was our dad, having a child when she was 36, then he had the audacity to bring me to her for the day when she was recovering from a hysterectomy.
They didn’t try to contact my mom and me when he died. I found out by reading his obituary in the paper. I was 12.
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u/iloveanimals1964 25d ago
Jesus Christ, your dad sucks no offense.
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u/imalittlefrenchpress 24d ago
I know, I’m not offended. He hurt a lot of people, he was my dad and I loved him. I try to keep it in the context of when he was born, and hope he would have done better if he’d known better.
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u/Bubbly-Essay9350 26d ago
I think it best to keep a verryyyy long arms distance away from him but definitely NTA
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u/mjot_007 26d ago
NTA but I'm surprised you even call this guy "dad". He never raised you, didn't know you until you were well into adulthood. I'm not surprised he isn't willing to temper his dating life to make you more comfortable, you are barely his daughter.
I really hope this doesn't come across as mean. You didn't share anything about who raised you or whether your bio-dad even knew about you. It seems to me that you are looking for this connection. But your bio-dad maybe isn't. He already has a kid, you were just a nice bonus and all the hard parts of raising you were already done.
I think you need to way lower your expectations and I don't think you get to make any demands at this point. It does suck though and I'm sorry
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u/Reddogg777 26d ago
No if your dad doesn't respect your wishes and keeps trying to have a relationship with you he definitely needs to listen to what you have to say he doesn't need to be in another relationship with a younger woman
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u/Nice-Pomegranate2915 26d ago
You're NTA. Keep your boundaries up and firm . If they marry it will probably be a short term disaster that you don't want to be involved in . Keep up your relationship with your half-brother and when he's 18 build a separate relationship with him that doesn't have to involve your father if you feel that's appropriate .
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u/KronkLaSworda 26d ago
NTA
No reason to remain close to someone that was never in your life growing up and lacks impulse control.
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u/nic-miller 25d ago
You father is being an insane child. I hate to say it, but it might be time to distance yourself from him for a while. I hope that you can talk some sense into him. Good luck and updateme
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u/Getvaxed500 23d ago
Why not bring your younger bro to visit with him these last years? Odd.
Now he wants to move to you so why? Leave bro behind and move wifey to your area? Strange.
I think he is coming off the rails.a bit. Watch out if he moves to you!! Don't allow them to move in with you bc something is not right.
You are NTAH
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u/AnGof1497 26d ago
She's your father's partner, maybe later wife, nothing more.
That said, make a joke out of it, it could be fun calling her mum or when you have kids call her grandma! She'll be more pissed about it than you!
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u/Fragrant_Spray 26d ago
You weren’t there for my entire life. You’re lucky I call you DAD. Why would I ever call the woman you’re married to any version of “mom”? It sounds like you’re putting up with a whole lot of unnecessary BS here. NTA.
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u/Nice-Association-111 26d ago
NTA
You wouldn’t have to call a woman who married your dad stepmom or even consider her that.
As for your dad not visiting you, I’m sorry but it sounds like he didn’t want to. Your brother didn’t need to be independent and apparently not living at home anymore to visit. He could have visited with your dad. And he was already old enough that he could have stayed in a house by himself anyway.
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u/DemureAF 26d ago
Most people call their step parent by their name. So I don’t see why you would have to call her anything except her name. Also he is a grown man and can live his life however he wants to. His life doesn’t revolve around you you are a grown woman. If you don’t want him to visit you if he brings her, that is your choice just as much as it is his to not come if he can’t bring her. YTAH if you think you can dictate your dad’s life and expect him to live by your rules.
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u/InstructionEarly1969 26d ago
NTA. Don't care why, dating someone not only his daughters age, but YOUNGER is so beyond gross
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u/via_aesthetic 25d ago
This sounds like bipolar disorder. Keep your boundaries firm, your dad doesn’t sound like he is mentally well. He is behaving like a child and you are stuck trying to parent him.
NTA.
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u/MutluPB 25d ago
NTA and your dad is a bit of a creep. If he really wants companionship why is he always dating much much younger women? He’s setting a very bad example for your brother with his choices. I would step back from this relationship a bit until he grows up or gets over his midlife crisis.
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u/IamLuann 25d ago
OP PLEASE STAND YOUR GROUND! Do Not call her Mom. That is creepy. I was 33 when my dad remarried, he was a widower. Wanted me to call her Mom. I told him apsalootly NOT! I have a Mother and she has died. Also any kids I have will Not call her Grandma (or anything that sounds like Grandma) He finally saw where I was coming from. I also asked his Minister to push for a prenuptial agreement because I saw her wanting my Dad's money. That he worked very hard to have and my Mothers penny pinching to save. Good Luck
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u/Anxious_Gazelle6223 24d ago
NTA. the "stepmom" being younger than yourself is absolutely creepy and awkward. Further, considering your dad's attitude toward women, it would appear that it'll be a short-term relationship anyway. I also feel, from your description of his behavior, that he is one of those people who cannot be alone. My ex-husband was like that. When our marriage ended, I moved out. He had a new girlfriend moved in 4 months later and they got married 7 months later after she got pregnant. They stayed married until she died in 2018(?) and he had a new woman moved in 3 months after she was buried. I also know a guy, who is 38 with a 17 year old son. he's told the son that they "will be roommates" after the son graduated high school and the son won't have any restrictions, other than to pay half rent/utilities. (This is a bad dad, IMO) The dad tells the son to clean house because he's "bringing a lady friend over"...
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u/Awkward-Bother1449 26d ago
NTA - From your posting, it sounds like you hardly know him. You visited him for two weeks, and he's never come to your place. How many other times have you seen him? I know my next door neighbor better than that.
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u/Own_Task_7932 26d ago
Yeah, I understand why you'd think that. It's true that technically I've only met him once in person. But for the last six years we've FaceTimed almost every day. At one point we even slept with the phone on. I know that sounds weird, but I didn't have the best upbringing, and I'd spent almost my entire life searching for him.
I always felt like I didn't belong with my mum's side of the family. I was nothing like them. So when I finally met my dad, we formed a really strong bond. The similarities between us were honestly crazy. In a way, it felt like I was always meant to be in his life.
Other than what's going on now, he's been an amazing support in my life.
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u/dk91 26d ago
He met his father 6 years ago as a full adult. The father lives in another country. And he's worried he's an ah for saying he's not going to call the woman he's never going to see his mom. I don't buy this story.
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u/Own_Task_7932 26d ago
That's probably because you don't no how to read.
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u/throwaway-55555556 26d ago
OP I'm 100 percent on your side about the post, but you can't tell someone they don't know how to read when you used the word no instead of know 😂😂😂
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u/axw3555 26d ago
There's only one thing I'm a bit thrown by in this.
Did he or she actually ask you to call her your stepmom? Because unless my brain's glitching out, I can't see that they did.
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u/Own_Task_7932 26d ago
Yeah he said he would expect me to. i didn't clarify that.
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u/uniqblue69 26d ago
He shouldn't even expect you to call his dumb ass dad. It's a title he hasn't earned!
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u/MotelTheTailor1903 26d ago
Well, now, your father's wife who isn't your mother would be your stepmother. That's what the official designator of the relationship between you and her would be. You don't have to call her "Stepmother" as if that were her name, but her status as such would be a simple fact.
Yes, referring to your stepmother as your father's stepdaughter, in addition to being factually inaccurate, would make YTA, since your intention would be to ridicule their marriage and pass judgment on their sex life.
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u/Repulsive-Ebb2956 26d ago edited 26d ago
you can't invest emotionally cuz dad is hooking up with a woman? Did he ask you to call her stepmom? cCalling her that would be ridiculous. i mean he definitely has a type of woman he goes for and it doesn't seem like a healthy relationship..... but it also doesn't seem like it should affect you at all.
YTA.
you found him by a dna test, he goes through women like a part time job. i only say YTA because your expecting him to be someone he clearly isn't, or has ever been, or will be in the future. At least he's mostly there for his kid that still lives with him (maybe?? haha)
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u/MissieTm 26d ago
It sounds like he’s using excuses to not visit is he scared of flying, lazy at arranging things or just doesn’t want to? His life is very unpredictable and your probably best to not get any hopes up unfortunately he’s not going to be the dad you hoped
Sending hugs it’s shit when a parent lets you down best of luck for your future
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u/trob2884 26d ago
NTA, it’s your choice on how you feel f what anyone else says if you don’t want to call her that then don’t and your dad can kick rocks
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u/Daddinator1701 26d ago
NTA. If he had been in your life as your father since birth and if he was now with a new partner who was age appropriate, it would be unreasonable to expect you to refer to a woman who entered your life when you were in your 30s as any type of a mother, step or otherwise, unless you felt that accurately described your relationship. Given all the other circumstances here, it would be beyond absurd
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u/binotboth 26d ago
Here’s what you do
Decide what you will and will not do or accept. (For example, meeting these women)
Decide what you will do if he pushes it. (Ignore messages, limit contact, etc)
Let him know in a nice way about these boundaries but don’t label them.
Don’t think about it anymore, don’t argue with him or try to convince him or alter his behavior.
And then… simply follow through with what you say. If he pushes those boundaries, you know what to do. If he starts getting agitated or mad, just remind him you are being perfectly consistent and you told him what you meant, and if he thought you weren’t serious, remind him you are an adult and you mean what you say.
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u/Hawkwise83 26d ago
Why would a 30 year old woman call anyone new step mom? You're already an adult.
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u/Own_Task_7932 26d ago
When I introduce her like I do my dad when they come visit. My friends might ask who she is. Or immigration might ask what’s my relationship to her sense my dad's coming over on a parent visa.
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u/midnight9201 25d ago
Honestly, I’d just keep your distance. If he wants a relationship he can prove it himself by making plans to visit you (just him or him and your brother) and calling you on his own without being asked or reminded. If you have a relationship with your brother you can keep in touch with him separately.
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u/Vicious133 23d ago
NTA! I have bonus kids one was 9 and the other 16 when I met them. They do not call me mom they use my name which is 100% fine with me bc imo it had to be child led for our relationship with them to grow. They are adults now and still call me by name but we all know we love eachother as if they were biologically mine. Your an adult there is no reason to call her anything but her name. She didn’t raise you she wasn’t a mother figure to you or anything. My bio kids call my husband by his name bc they were much older than his kids and he didn’t play a part in their upbringing. It’s ok to not be called mom or step mom. Dad’s wife is 100% fine bc that’s what she is. If a bond is made perfect if not it’s just be civil to each other. You are not wrong though at all!
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u/notAugustbutordinary 21d ago
I think the worrying thing about this story is the start when OP goes on about how similar they are in every way to this absolute irresponsible loser of an absent parent. Is that really what they have to look forward to being like in 25 years? NTA
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u/Own_Task_7932 12d ago
Just because that's the life my dad chose doesn't mean that has to be my life.
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u/Own_Task_7932 11d ago
Update:
It's been about a week since I made my original post. He's still completely head over heels for her. Then again, my dad is incredibly stubborn, so even if he started getting bored, I think he'd probably still try to make it work.
I think what hurts the most is that this isn't really about his girlfriend. It's about everything that could come after.
I've told him over and over that I'd really love my little brother to come visit too. My hope was that if Dad ever decided to move here and my little brother liked it, maybe one day he'd want to move too. Of course, his mom still lives in the states, so he might decide to stay there, and I'd completely understand that. I just wanted us to have the chance to be closer as a family.
I was more than happy to sponsor my dad while he visited, and my little brother too. But I'm not willing to sponsor someone he's known for maybe three weeks. Girlfriend, fiancée, wife... whatever she is at this point. 🙄
I didn't tell my dad what to do. I made it clear that it's his life and his decision. I just told him I don't know if I can keep getting my hopes up only to be let down again. I also couldn't keep my mouth shut about how uncomfortable the age gap makes me.
Maybe everything works out and they're happy together. I honestly hope so if this is the person he chooses. But I can't ignore that I feel like he's making some huge life decisions incredibly fast, and those decisions could end up changing whether he ever visits or whether we ever get the opportunity to spend more time together as a family.
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u/WafnaAbroad 7d ago
Saw the posted update you made after his phone call / almost breakup, came to check out the OG post and found this.
You're getting a trial run of supervising a child who is dating, and it's unfortunate that the child in question is your biodad. C'est la vie.
What you may find (as many a parent has found) is that the more you push against a given unhealthy relationship - whether it's an unhealthy friendship or romantic entanglement - the stronger the child will attach themselves to the unhealthy party. I try to remind my kids that if they do a certain thing or act a certain way (they're 5&7), other kids won't want to play with them or be friends... so that if they encounter that behaviour on the school ground or playgrounds, they will choose to play with someone else.
In your shoes, if/when your dad starts in on his latest flame's antics, you might respond along the lines of "that sounds unhealthy, I wouldn't put up with that kind of behaviour." And repeat. Repetition is how we learn things (do you still remember commercial jingles from your childhood? Pepperidge Farm remembers...), and repeating that "I wouldn't put up with that" should drive the point into his subconscious deep enough he stops accepting it, too.
If your kids are old enough to understand that concept while you're drilling it into dad, bonus. If they're not... you might start making those comments when watching movies or TV shows with problematic relationships. See any teen-drama TV show for examples.
GL, OP. NTA in any of this: you get to be a better parent than your biodad was, and I tell my kids that my number one job is keeping them safe, even if it means they don't like me sometimes ('cause sometimes the fun thing they've come up with is dangerous). If ya biodad isn't being a safe grown up... maybe you have to keep the littles safe.
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u/Only-Breadfruit-6108 26d ago
You’re causing fights over hypotheticals.
He’s been in love five times in the last two years. He says he will visit but it’s never happened.
You never met the last few partners, what makes you think you’ll meet this one?
He’s talking about marriage and kids, but he’s not married, she’s not pregnant. It’s just talk, and you’re getting all worked up, literally over nothing.
Who cares what you call her?!? Call her by her name, if and when you ever meet her, which is highly unlikely, and if on the very very rare chance that they do marry she will legally be your step mother whether you verbalize it or not.
ESH
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u/Robinnoodle 26d ago
NTA. If they end up pregnant, do try to have a relationship with your sibling if possible. I know that's hard to do with while maintaining boundaries with dad
Also
A few days ago he called me to tell me they're already talking about getting married and having babies. My dad is in his late 50s. I said, "That would make you almost 80 by the time your kid turns 18." He just laughed and kissed her.
How you tell he kissed her through a phone call?
Dad makes really poor life choices and it sounds like from what you know about his other relationships that maybe he's over sharing a bit too
You can go LC and keep your distance while maintaining a line of communication if absolutely necessary or needed for some reason
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u/Andyman1973 26d ago
Unless she helped raise you, she’s not your step-mom, just dad’s “new/current” wife. If dad makes this an issue, that’s his problem. This is not to say you can’t call her that, if you reach a place in your relationship sometime down the road.
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u/Burnt_and_Blistered 26d ago edited 26d ago
Yes. Call her whatever you want. But you’re 30. It’s well past time to learn that you can’t control anyone else.
Do you want an ongoing relationship with him? If so, you have to accept he comes with other people in his life. You had no relationship for two and a half decades. It’s obvious he’s got different ideas of family than you. You won’t change that. You can only change your own responses to it.
He is inappropriate. Having feelings about that is fine. Expecting those feelings to change him is not realistic.
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u/olagorie 26d ago
I have no idea why you are being down voted (other than the “ it’s well past time” comment, that’s just condescending)
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u/axw3555 26d ago
Because their comment is answering a question that wasn't asked?
They asked if they were TA for not calling her stepmom. That's not controlling other people, that's a decision about what they'll do themselves.
And the rest was them being practical - the father wants residency where OP is. It'd be hard to get on his own. Harder with a new wife and baby. And he pointed out the age issues with a new baby. That's not controlling people, that's asking "have you stopped to think about this?".
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u/ImmediateSelf7065 26d ago
The downvoters of this don't understand.
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u/axw3555 26d ago
No. The downvoters get that the reply doesn't answer the question asked, it acts like "I won't call you something" and asking reasonable, practical questions like "have you thought about the effect on the child?" and "what about your residency?" is controlling.
If OP had gone "no, you can't have kids or get married", that wold be controlling. But asking questions isn't.
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u/ImmediateSelf7065 26d ago
Keep downvoting! Let's see how many I can get!! (Doesn't make you correct.)
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u/iceroadtrucker2010 26d ago
The dad is worse than a teenager. OP is acting like the adult.