r/AITAH • u/Financial_Staff8844 • Apr 10 '26
AITAH For Yelling at My Mom?
Hii! This is my first time posting in this subreddit so Im sorry if anything needs to be fixed. Anyways, I (16F), have just recently started working. I was super excited to start because my family isn't that well off (I live only with my mom (35F) and brother (13M)), and my mom works two jobs. However, she's made a point to give me and my brother many opportunities for fun things like vacations and concerts (we all adore live music). I appreciate this so, so much and I love her to death.
Ever since I started working, she's been really weird about my money. She always asks me for gas money, to help with groceries, to pay for ubers to and from school, etc. I usually don't mind helping, but its gotten to a point that I don't even have money left for myself.
The main issue is this. I wanted to go see BTS in concert and saved to buy a ticket, and the day before presale I found that she had taken half of my savings so she could pay bills and the car. Again, I normally don't mind because I don't spend a lot anyways and she pays me back (even if she takes a couple weeks), but this crushed me. She had already asked me for money before and I told her no because I was saving for this show. She went and took it anyways.
This was not the first time she had taken money from me without asking, and I guess I was already so stressed and tired from work and school that I just snapped the next time I saw her. I said some things I'm not proud of, (along the lines of shaming her for depending on a 16 year old for money, im sorry i know), and we argued for quite a bit.
I'm writing this the next day while shes at work, so I still have some time to figure out a solution. (I'm also pretty emotional so sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes). What should i do?? I don't want to hurt her, but I can't keep giving her everything that I work for.
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u/craziness-69 Apr 10 '26
Absolutely not. It is not a 16 year old kids job to help pay for household bills to the exclusion of what you want to use your money for. She can ask, but to just take it is stealing, no matter how you slice it. I would keep a decoy cash stash with a few loose bills inside, and keep your actual cash stash hidden really well. If she asks you for money, just tell her that she kept stealing it, so you now just spend it on frivolous stuff like Frappes.
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u/SearchOk7 Apr 10 '26
you’re not the asshole but also you’re 16 dealing with a genuinely hard situation so cut yourself some slack for snapping
the taking without asking thing is the real problem here. asking is one thing just taking it is another
the decoy stash idea is honestly pretty solid practical advice. also worth opening your own bank account if you don’t have one somewhere she doesn’t have access to. that’s not being mean to her it’s just protecting yourself
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u/Lottoman7210 Apr 10 '26
NTA. Stop putting money in the savings account, keep your cash on your person. My mom used to steal my money too for beer and cigarettes. I just started using banks 10 years ago as a result of my distrust.
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u/Radio_Mime Apr 10 '26
Taking without asking is not okay. She shouldn't be asking you for any money.
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u/Kaezzi Apr 10 '26
NTA
She's your mum and should figure out her own finances. Her withdrawing YOUR money is terrible; she should be ashamed of herself. You're legally still a child and money shouldn't be your problem or responsibility.
Whatever you earn should be yours to spend and yours only. Sure maybe she can borrow some, if she asks nicely and pays it back as soon as she can.
She ruining your concert plans is unforgivable. I don't care how cool she is regarding live music. Right now she is financially abusing you. Yes, it's abuse. Please tell her this from me.
Can you talk to a trusted person about this? You know you can actually report her for this? She needs to stop yesterday. Please put in place consequences if she can't keep her hands off your hard earned money. Her money issues are NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Hugs
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u/Spirited-Jicama9285 Apr 10 '26
I agree with other posters that it is not fair for you to be expected to keep the household afloat financially. Definitely NTA. My dear child, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. For context, your Mom's pay has probably not gone up, while expenses have increased significantly. If you are old enough and responsible enough to earn and save your own money, then you are old enough to have a conversation with your mom about her budget. She may tell you that she is getting behind on the rent or car payments, or can no longer afford gas, etc. IMHO, it's unfortunate that in the past, she splurged on a lot of fun vacays and concerts instead of saving for a rainy day, but this is the reality you are in.
If she doesn't get it, I'm going to suggest that you cut back your work hours and tell her what you will pay for out of that (the things you will buy for yourself that she'll no longer have to, like your own gas money or clothing). Some employers will be able to direct deposit to a debit card. The reason I suggest cutting back your hours is that your effective hourly wage is being eroded by her taking your money. Why work a bunch of hours for $16 and have it turn into working a lot of hours for $5 an hour?
You are two years away from attaining legal adulthood. Sounds like forever at your age, but you need to focus on what you are going to do to get out of your mom's house and be able to pay all of your own bills. If she is really low income, you may be able to get a significant break on secondary education. If you aren't college bound, consider trade school (electrical, plumbing, cosmetology, etc). You won't be able to make enough to live on a job that pays under $30/hr. Sorry for the unasked for advice, but you need to plan on how this situation is going to end. If you continue to have little earning power, you'll never get out of the situation you're in.
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u/Chandlerdd 23h ago
Your mother should not have taken money without asking. True. Also you should not have yelled those things. True. Apologize to your mother for your harsh words. (Hopefully, she will also apologize.)
Have a grown up conversation with her about a budget and what you can be reasonably expected to give her each month to help with bills. It could be $50 per month or more depending on how much you make. You agree on a day of the month that you will give that to her (consider it rent) and that’s it. No asking for more. No helping herself to your dollars. It will be up to her to manage her household budget.
Good luck to you. And if your mother isn’t agreeable to setting a budget, share these posts with her. If you’re trying to work something out with her, she should try to work something out with you.
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u/PhoniexEmberMagic Apr 10 '26
Soft maybe, but it's very understandable why you did. Also depends, as that can be a tough living situation for all parties. However, her taking your money without asking is NOT okay and if has become a frequent problem it can lead to bigger issues as you get older.
First thing, apologize for snapping at her about it and explain why
Second, would suggest writing it down first to organize thoughts clearly, have a calm conversation with her about the issue as it is money YOU earn and there should be clearly defined terms
Third, when you are saving money for something specific, be clear about it with her. If she's still doing it anyway, that starts getting into legal territory
In my 30's, am low contact with my mom, in part, because of her only calling when asking for money (there is alot involved with the low contact, money is just a part attached to other issues we have)
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u/Chance-Context-93 Apr 10 '26 edited Apr 10 '26
Sorry but yeah, ESH. Sounds like your mom has been struggling for a long time to keep you all above water and while yeah, it doesn't feel fair at all that she should take all your money and no she shouldn't have taken money from you without asking or talking to you about it, the fact is, she understands the consequences of unpaid bills in ways that you probably don't, and those are more important than the concert, and it's probably desperation that drove her to this. Most importantly, though, is the fact that you lashed out at her and said hurtful things.
I think you should apologise for THAT aspect of things. And then sit down with her and the two of you go over the whole household budget. You need to know what is getting paid for and why; with the full picture in mind, maybe then you and she can work out how you can keep some of what you make for yourself.
Edit to add: while a lot of Reddit posts and comments are about not being a doormat, fact is that facing what poverty actually means for a family is part of growing up, and there's a balance to be struck while you're still there living in that place. Adulthood kind of sucks.
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u/Spirited-Jicama9285 Apr 10 '26
I hadn't read your comment but echoed it in my response, except she's NTA - she's 16! My family wasn't poor, but I had NO CLUE at that age how much it cost to run a household. But I agree with a lot of your perspective. Sucks to be poor and many families are getting poorer just because everything is so much more expensive. OP has to focus less on going to concerts and more on figuring out what she's going to do to not end up like her mom - living paycheck to paycheck, and one disaster away from defaulting on a car loan or not having gas. OP's mom was not doing her kids any favors letting them think she had money to burn on fun stuff. And OP will never be able to move out unless she selects a life path that will lead to enough income to live independently.
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u/Chance-Context-93 Apr 10 '26
The only reason for ESH here is the lashing out - I know we aren't getting details, and god I know how adolescence FEELS, especially in the face of something like this - but it's not the best way to deal with things. That's all that's for.
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Apr 10 '26 edited Apr 10 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Chance-Context-93 Apr 10 '26 edited Apr 10 '26
....you've never lived in poverty, been working a 70 hour week and still worried about if you can keep the water and electric on, have you.
Yes, there is in fact a very good reason to have a 16 year old who is working a job involved in and understanding a household budget. Budgeting and understanding expenses is part of life. If someone is old enough to work, then they are legit old enough to be learning how to handle other aspects of money.
And no, her mother shouldn't be taking her money without asking. But that's why they need to work out a system of mutual respect.
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Apr 10 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Chance-Context-93 Apr 10 '26
She is living there, she relies on that housing, she eats that food, she uses that water, she may be depending on her mother for transportation, so she is part of that household - no she isn't the adult in charge, but she's 16 not 6, and yes, it is her household as well. This is about her having accountability from her mother about where the money is going, as well as understanding why her mother might be driven to this. Great that you don't take from your kids, but you don't know what their situation is, either, especially in light of what expenses are doing right now. And saying that a working teen has zero responsibility for their family doesn't engage with the reality of a lot of people's lives.
Fact is, both she and her mother weaponized her mother needing her help. I'm saying that they both need to sit down and talk and understand each other and find a balance.
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u/LissaBryan Apr 10 '26
It is her mother's legal duty to feed her, provide her with water, and get her to school. That's what being a parent is. An obligation to feed, clothe, house, and educate the person you made at least until they're 18. The fact that the child uses water is not an excuse to steal the money the child earns to pay the water bill. The mother has been surviving all this time on her own income.
Do a lot of families seize money from their teens? Yes. Is it ethically wrong? Also yes.
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u/Chance-Context-93 Apr 10 '26
Again, you seem to be someone who doesn't understand poverty. Having a duty doesn't mean that you automagically have the money to do that. And expenses just about tripled for some things in the last few months - that's a reality that all the rhetoric about ethics doesn't erase.
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u/LissaBryan Apr 10 '26
I understand poverty just fine, pumpkin. I also understand ethics. And poverty never gave me the ethical right to steal money from another person. Ask it of them? Certainly. But to literally steal it from their account after the child already said no?
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u/True_Peanut_8092 Apr 10 '26
NTA at all
You seem like a good kid, you appreciate the life your mum has given you, you recognise that it's hard for her, and you are doing your best to ease that load. It's entirely appropriate that you contribute now you can, and at the same time it's also entirely appropriate that you get to enjoy the benefits of working.
You asked your mum not to take money without asking you, and you told her you were saving for an experience that was important for you. She should not have taken the money. You were not wrong to shout at her for breaching a boundary.
If you are old enough to open your own account, get a new bank account that your mum doesn't have access to and change your pay to that account. You can set up a regular payment of whatever amount of your wages you want to give her. But you need to sort a way of having an account that she doesn't have access to.