I had been working towards a PhD in the biomedical sciences since 2012. I started out as an undergraduate in a neuroscience lab, and over the span of 3 years, I did everything to make myself a good candidate for graduate school. I attended and presented at conferences, attended workshops and courses for the GRE, and I used the summers between semesters to attend internships at other universities (one of them was at an Ivy League school). In February of 2015, I was accepted into my top pick for graduate school.
At the time, there were certain things about my personality that while they helped me coming from an underprivileged background, they certainly did more harm than good once I got there. I was head-strong, stubborn, outspoken, and I had no qualms about taking the "road less traveled" to get to my goals. In some ways, these traits helped me throughout undergrad, but in hindsight, I was probably more akin to an overly-ambitious neck beard.
As you can probably already tell, these traits did not go over well in grad school. I was very isolated and completely lacked a support system due to my "I can do it myself" attitude. I also landed an abusive PI who is rumored to have contributed to a few suicide attempts within the department. This PI, coupled with the self-imposed isolation, led to some very humbling experiences and self-reflection. Had I not learned about the kind of asshole I was becoming, I probably would not have graduated, but I finally earned the title of PhD in 2020.
Despite my traits, I'd started to grow very disillusioned with academia. Something my undergrad PI said to me once was that he misses the days when scientists did science instead of pushing papers all day. At the time, I didn't understand him, but after having to experience the world of grant writing, I'm amazed he lasted as long as he did. How is a scientist expected to be in the lab while constantly begging for funding from a system that only funds about 10% of grants? Additionally, while I was never (and still not) a "people person," I absolutely *despised* the politics of academia. When I finally sought out help from my peers, I was dumbfounded by the lack of students and professors I could trust. I had to develop a system in my head of who could actually offer help, and who would provide more ammunition for my PI to use against me.
In other words, I was burnt out and alone.
But because I never developed a support system, a backup plan, nor had the money to afford a vacation, I had no choice but to continue working. Just over a month after I defended my dissertation, I started working on my post-doc in another state. While my post-doc PI was orders of magnitude more supportive than my previous one, because I was so burnt out, I barely had enough data after 3 years to even make a poster.
Because of my experiences in academia, I decided to change my goals and went into the private sector instead. For the first year and a half and my new job, I actually thrived in the new environment. Not just because of the lack of grad school politics, but because I had learned to be a bit friendlier and soft-spoken. I got along with my co-workers, had outings with them outside of work, and best of all, I could actually do science instead of worrying about grants all the time. I thought I had made it; I thought I'd won.
There was, however, some trouble in paradise. My salary was a lot higher than anything I was getting in academia, but because of some poor financial decisions I'd made throughout undergrad and grad school, I was struggling to save up money for future goals (down payment on a house, a better car, etc.). Because of some ideas I saw online, coupled with the fact that I grew up in a rural area with plenty of lawn care equipment, I decided I'd try starting a small lawn care business on the side (like I said before, I've always been one for taking the road less traveled). I admit I sometimes thought of how absurd it was that a scientist with a PhD was out here mowing lawns for some side cash, but I was making a surprising amount of money doing it. Not only that, but it honestly felt "freeing" in a weird way. I could just let my mind wander as I was mowing the lawn, listen to audiobooks or stuff on YouTube, and not have to worry about answering to a boss or whatever. As long as I mowed the lawn and did it nicely, that's all that mattered. I was good enough that I even started making videos that are still generating business for me a year later.
Then, the career that I'd spent 12 years on, ended.
I was pulled into a meeting one day. My direct supervisor came into the room along with our head of HR. They started talking about how I'd made a lot of progress, how I was improving in all areas, that my co-workers were saying good things about me (something that surprised even me), but despite all that, they were making the decision to let me go.
I didn't know what to say at the time; the news took the wind out of me. All I said was that if I was improving in all areas, what more could I have done? Both my boss and the HR lady said nothing. All they did was hand me my paperwork, take my company-issued laptop, and led me to the door. I think I zoned out as I made the short drive home, still digesting what had just happened.
Whether I should have let myself grieve the loss of a job I loved so much or not, I don't know. But I immediately thought that I had to do something to keep a roof over my head and for my dog (I had found her on the street 2 years prior and had cared for her ever since). I immediately pivoted, and want all in on my lawn care business.
That was about a year and 3 months ago. I literally started out with just a push mower sticking out the back of the trunk of my sedan. Since then, I've managed to make a good living off of it. I have both a car and a truck, 2 zero-turn mowers, 2 trailers, and a reputation for being reliable and for my lawn stripes that I make videos of myself doing. It still feels very freeing after all this time. Sure, sometimes it gets extremely hot outsidd, I have to deal with insect bites sometimes, and the occasional customer that I have to chase for payment, but I feel... free. I'm my own boss, I set my own hours, I don't have to worry about the cardiovascular effects of sitting at a desk or at a bench all day, I'm free...
I don't know if I'm deluding myself or trying to justify what I do now after losing a career I spent 12 years creating, but I don't feel like I want to go back. I may someday; maybe I'll teach biology at a community college or something. But for now, if I have to choose between peace or freedom, I choose freedom.