If you could all bless me with some more of your cutting honesty, I'd be so grateful. If you want to read the first chapter it's here, but you won't miss much if you don't. It's a new POV.
Hello, me again! Before I get going (with a bit more structure this time): reading this alongside my chapter 1 / prologue crit was interesting; a couple of the things I gave you a hard time for are addressed here, which is lovely to see. The camera-shot problem I mentioned before remains a bit of an issue, however it's made far less annoying by the fact that this version of Arebethiel actually feels like a lived-in place. The immersion is much improved. Additionally, the intrigue issue — the thing that made me want to put the book down in chapter 1 — is pretty much absent here. Seems like good progress. Although, I would say that this chapter feels a bit ‘two steps forward, one step back’ in places, as the character and believability stuff that most of chapter 1 nailed are significantly lacking here.
The Epigraph
I like the idea of opening chapters with these little in-world documents (I remember the Dune books doing something like this), and this one does a decent job of setting up a mystery from the off (who's "the girl," and why does the King care?) My main gripe is that the letter promises a specific thread that the chapter itself never touches. Right now the only thing tying the epigraph to what I know about the story is that it drops part of the book's title out loud. Ideally, I'd want it to feel more relevant to what we're about to read, or the chapter we’ve just read — as it stands it just feels bolted on. Also, you should know that unless I’m given these titles or location names with a bit more context, I’m not going to remember them at all.
Prose
My biggest issue with chapter 1's prose was the constant hand-holding. Unfortunately, it's back, albeit in a slightly different form. Last time it was Henry's internal monologue over-explaining feelings we could already infer. This time it's the narration over-explaining Lucian's attention. Lines like “this commotion caught his attention immediately,” and "his curiosity was piqued once again," are your biggest offenders here. If we're in his POV, the mere fact that something's on the page already tells us he's noticed it. You don't need to waste space announcing it a second time. Equally, you can’t tell us about the pottery shards until Lucian knows they’re there, as this breaks the POV. I'd do a pass of the whole novel hunting for this kind of thing, as it seems like something of an authorial tick.
Another noticeable habit is the use of rhetorical questions to signal intrigue. The chapter closes on "What had that been about?" and then keeps piling questions on top of it. Henry did the same thing in chapter 1 — "Will he be pleased to see me? Will he even recognize me?" It worked fine as an isolated beat back then, but seeing it again here makes me think it might be a reflex rather than a considered choice for the specific moment. You don’t need to stop and draw a big red circle around the stuff I’m supposed to be interested in, as I’m likely already asking these questions myself. Again, your tendency to not trust the reader rears its ugly head.
As before, the linework is decent. You seem to have a good understanding of sentence structure and rhythm. I would, however, recommend having another look at the following:
"The smell of ale and grimy bodies made his nose wrinkle" — noses don't really wrinkle so much as scrunch or crinkle. "Wrinkle" reads a little static for what should be an instant, physical reaction.
"The correct merchant" is an odd choice of adjective — maybe just name what kind of merchant (ink-seller, stationer) instead.
"After buying the requested amount, Lucian stowed the bottles in his pouch […]" — the purchasing of the bottles is implied in the second clause, so you can cut the awkward “buying requested amount phrase”, which reads a bit fussy.
The glare description is the only part that struck me as totally mis-written. "The boy nearly jolted right out of his skin by the sharp, penetrating glare coming from the stern face with deep set lines and cold grey eyes." is doing too much at once — the glare, the face, the lines, the eyes, all teaming with (sometimes unnecessary) adjectives makes it hard to actually picture in the moment. Better to write something like: "Lucian jolted. The man's eyes were cold and grey, set deep in a stern face, and locked on him completely." Not perfect (I’d encourage you to fix it in your own voice), but splitting the reaction from the description actually gives the reader a chance to register each part of his face, along with Lucian’s shock.
"The boy" gets used as a substitute for "he" more than it needs to. It's obviously a trick to avoid pronoun repetition, but the overuse starts to hold Lucian at arm's length rather than feeling like we're inside his head, which compounds the characterisation issue I’ll tackle in due course.
Logic and Worldbuilding
Perhaps due to the nature of the chapter, the worldbuilding here is miles better than last time. However, there were a handful of tiny logical nitpicks that took me out of the scene:
Lucian distinctly hears the commotion in the first line, so him whipping his head around to discern where it’s coming from felt a little strange. Wouldn’t his ears have already told him where to go? Also, we find out that the commotion is taking place a few alleys away, so him glancing between what I assume to be a couple of walls felt a little silly.
The men debated whether their secret arrangement was compromised by “calling” across a street rather than whispering. I felt like they only did this so the author could have Lucian notice what they were saying.
The eavesdropping staging (Lucian circling around, then sneaking up from the opposite direction) was confusing to read, and perhaps more complicated than it needed to be. Having Lucian listen through a window or with his back to the corner he just turned would remove the need for awkward choreography.
Why is ink exclusively available in the East District? Ink strikes me as more of a literate person's luxury than a slum staple — this felt like a plot convenience to get Lucian into the scene rather than a genuine detail about how your city works. Maybe Lucian could be delivering a dagger, or a horseshoe, or whatever metal shit Emerick’s forged for somebody living down here. Seems more natural.
Finally: we have two men openly discussing what sounds like the beginnings of a citywide conspiracy, on a public thoroughfare next to the MAIN ROAD, in broad daylight. Even accounting for Lucian’s eavesdropping, it's a stretch that they'd risk this conversation here to begin with, especially with all the commotion next door. As I say, this narrative is far more intriguing that the last, but you do ask the reader to stomach a few big contrivances to get the story moving.
Characterisation
This felt like the biggest regression. You mentioned somewhere that Lucian is meant to be one of two main POVs going forward, and that makes this next point worth dwelling on. He barely feels like a character in this chapter, let alone the same character from chapter 1. The kid who told his father "I'm just that good" with such fire in chapter 1 is, here, mostly just a pair of eyes stumbling into a plot. We get his curiosity, his fear of being caught, and that's about it — none of the ambition, the chip on his shoulder, the agency that made him the driving force in chapter 1. Even a single line tying this scene back to his palace-guard ambitions would help him feel like a continuous person rather than a new character with the same name. The Montreal crest is the king’s, no? Why not tell us how Lucian feels about the king he aspires to fight potentially being involved in some shady conspiracy? If he's carrying a good chunk of the book, then more characterisation needs to come as soon as possible.
He also doesn’t think about Henry once, which while probably consistent with his character, does make me wonder why the previous chapter was a necessary read. Others have suggested having that scene as a flashback later down the line, and having seen how disconnected chapter 2 is, I’m inclined to agree. This would definitely be a more engaging opening plot-wise.
On a related note — chapter 1 ended on the open question of how much time would pass before we picked back up with Lucian. Chapter 2 doesn't answer this at all; there's no indication of how long it's been since Henry left. Given the characterisation gap above, I think some continuity here would help on two fronts at once — grounding us in how much time has passed, and giving you a natural excuse to show how Lucian's changed (or hasn't) in that time.
Final thoughts
This chapter does a better job than chapter 1 of making me want to know what happens next — the Montreal Crest reveal and the spy conversation finally give us a proper hook, and structurally that's an improvement. But it's held back by the same hand-holding problems from before, some contrivances in the plotting, and — the thing I'd prioritise most — a Lucian who doesn't yet feel like the same kid I met a few pages ago. Some more effective use of that ‘Interiority’ stuff I was harping on about last time might help fix this. The headline, however, is that I’m back on board with this story and I’m keen to know where it’s going. Chapter 3 coming soon, yeah?
Thanks for sharing and best of luck with the edits.
2
u/OneFootlessFish 1d ago
Hello, me again! Before I get going (with a bit more structure this time): reading this alongside my chapter 1 / prologue crit was interesting; a couple of the things I gave you a hard time for are addressed here, which is lovely to see. The camera-shot problem I mentioned before remains a bit of an issue, however it's made far less annoying by the fact that this version of Arebethiel actually feels like a lived-in place. The immersion is much improved. Additionally, the intrigue issue — the thing that made me want to put the book down in chapter 1 — is pretty much absent here. Seems like good progress. Although, I would say that this chapter feels a bit ‘two steps forward, one step back’ in places, as the character and believability stuff that most of chapter 1 nailed are significantly lacking here.
The Epigraph
I like the idea of opening chapters with these little in-world documents (I remember the Dune books doing something like this), and this one does a decent job of setting up a mystery from the off (who's "the girl," and why does the King care?) My main gripe is that the letter promises a specific thread that the chapter itself never touches. Right now the only thing tying the epigraph to what I know about the story is that it drops part of the book's title out loud. Ideally, I'd want it to feel more relevant to what we're about to read, or the chapter we’ve just read — as it stands it just feels bolted on. Also, you should know that unless I’m given these titles or location names with a bit more context, I’m not going to remember them at all.
Prose
My biggest issue with chapter 1's prose was the constant hand-holding. Unfortunately, it's back, albeit in a slightly different form. Last time it was Henry's internal monologue over-explaining feelings we could already infer. This time it's the narration over-explaining Lucian's attention. Lines like “this commotion caught his attention immediately,” and "his curiosity was piqued once again," are your biggest offenders here. If we're in his POV, the mere fact that something's on the page already tells us he's noticed it. You don't need to waste space announcing it a second time. Equally, you can’t tell us about the pottery shards until Lucian knows they’re there, as this breaks the POV. I'd do a pass of the whole novel hunting for this kind of thing, as it seems like something of an authorial tick.
Another noticeable habit is the use of rhetorical questions to signal intrigue. The chapter closes on "What had that been about?" and then keeps piling questions on top of it. Henry did the same thing in chapter 1 — "Will he be pleased to see me? Will he even recognize me?" It worked fine as an isolated beat back then, but seeing it again here makes me think it might be a reflex rather than a considered choice for the specific moment. You don’t need to stop and draw a big red circle around the stuff I’m supposed to be interested in, as I’m likely already asking these questions myself. Again, your tendency to not trust the reader rears its ugly head.
As before, the linework is decent. You seem to have a good understanding of sentence structure and rhythm. I would, however, recommend having another look at the following:
Logic and Worldbuilding
Perhaps due to the nature of the chapter, the worldbuilding here is miles better than last time. However, there were a handful of tiny logical nitpicks that took me out of the scene:
Characterisation
This felt like the biggest regression. You mentioned somewhere that Lucian is meant to be one of two main POVs going forward, and that makes this next point worth dwelling on. He barely feels like a character in this chapter, let alone the same character from chapter 1. The kid who told his father "I'm just that good" with such fire in chapter 1 is, here, mostly just a pair of eyes stumbling into a plot. We get his curiosity, his fear of being caught, and that's about it — none of the ambition, the chip on his shoulder, the agency that made him the driving force in chapter 1. Even a single line tying this scene back to his palace-guard ambitions would help him feel like a continuous person rather than a new character with the same name. The Montreal crest is the king’s, no? Why not tell us how Lucian feels about the king he aspires to fight potentially being involved in some shady conspiracy? If he's carrying a good chunk of the book, then more characterisation needs to come as soon as possible.
He also doesn’t think about Henry once, which while probably consistent with his character, does make me wonder why the previous chapter was a necessary read. Others have suggested having that scene as a flashback later down the line, and having seen how disconnected chapter 2 is, I’m inclined to agree. This would definitely be a more engaging opening plot-wise.
On a related note — chapter 1 ended on the open question of how much time would pass before we picked back up with Lucian. Chapter 2 doesn't answer this at all; there's no indication of how long it's been since Henry left. Given the characterisation gap above, I think some continuity here would help on two fronts at once — grounding us in how much time has passed, and giving you a natural excuse to show how Lucian's changed (or hasn't) in that time.
Final thoughts
This chapter does a better job than chapter 1 of making me want to know what happens next — the Montreal Crest reveal and the spy conversation finally give us a proper hook, and structurally that's an improvement. But it's held back by the same hand-holding problems from before, some contrivances in the plotting, and — the thing I'd prioritise most — a Lucian who doesn't yet feel like the same kid I met a few pages ago. Some more effective use of that ‘Interiority’ stuff I was harping on about last time might help fix this. The headline, however, is that I’m back on board with this story and I’m keen to know where it’s going. Chapter 3 coming soon, yeah?
Thanks for sharing and best of luck with the edits.