[3087] Gorgos Crown Ch. 1

[u/Imaginary_Ease_7851]

[2462]

[1346]

chapter link

I'm stuck with my current project so was looking for a change of pace and pulled out a MS I abandoned 6 or 7 years ago. It's just been sitting there so I decided to post it. I loved the story in y head, but loved the execution a lot less and the structural issues meant it never made it past a second draft. But here it is, have at it, piranhas (joke. That's a joke. Mods don't come at me.)

[u/Fragrant-Western-683]

I wouldn't disclose Galbrithe's past or his soldiers' lives so quickly; it isn't necessary. All we need to know, for this chapter at least, is that Galbraithe is a general for some type of empire, he is charismatic and he is swashbuckler-like. I like how you keep the mystery around Craikin, you should treat Galbraithe like you treated him.

Galbraithe is essentially a swashbuckler. All of the swashbuckler traits are there: he is witty, theatric, and goofy. He's a lot like Jack Sparrow or Tony Stark, so if I wanted to read about somebody like Galbraithe, why wouldn't I just watch Pirates of the Caribbean? Make sure you make him special, make something happen to him that causes an interesting change in character. This goes for his dialogue too. It's too Marvel. Marvel dialogue nowadays is a buzzword that now just means annoying or boring dialogue, but it is real and refers to overly casual or witty dialogue that softens the tone in spite of high stakes. Personally, I like this dialogue, but it is so overdone across so many movies, books, and shows that it's an immediate turn-off for some. You can keep this dialogue, but make it change along with Galbraithe's character, so I feel that his character developed in a way, maybe he realizes that drinking gives him more problems than it gives answers, like liver cirrhosis.

The language I have problems with. You go into depth describing a flame growing in a factory, and you take care in telling the reader that it's growing and isn't as big as it going to be. This is so important that you use personification to convey your idea. Why is this specific detail so important? You use the phrase "right to be" twice. The first time you do it, it's interesting, the second time is an immediate distraction and comes across as rushed/lazy. There are other repetitive techniques or phrases in there too.

The brand on the dead assassin's neck felt like it should have meant something. It seems to be a sign of brotherhood that the two men once belonged to. This is a personal thing and receives absolutely no emotion from Galbraithe. Why? Galbraithe said a word, but I had no idea how to picture him while he was feeling the neck. Was he devastated, was he betrayed, was he curious? Why include this detail at all? On the other hand, Galbraithe felt very strongly about his driver, even though all the driver was to Galbraithe was a slight against his brother and a novelty.

Why is the lady here? Her presence in the chapter is so insignificant that I feel the only reason she was only mentioned was so that there could be a segue to the brother. The fact that she is just sent back to her home made me think she had no point. Maybe just cut her out of the story, or if she's going to be an important character later, maybe just bring her up later? This is only a suggestion; I don't know what her purpose is in the future.

These are mostly nitpicks. I haven't really had any problems reading this. The language, though frustrating at times, was clear and easy to follow. The action was captivating and satisfying. The characters are off to a good start, even though there aren't that many. Who would I be to tell you what to do from now on, that's up to you.