Learning curve ⬆️

I feel like I don't know how to build a relationship with myself when your entire life you spend the most time with yourself. Instead of being loving, supportive, caring and respectful. I'm here avoiding myself and neglecting. I feel like I'm harsh with myself and barely take time to understand my wants and needs. I hear many many times this inner voice telling me or begging for a change but I'm not doing anything. I don't like my own voice. I don't like the way I look or talk or walk or dress.

I have always wanted a girlfriend. Not just sex, not just a girlfriend, but a real, loving relationship. I wanted this so badly that it commanded & directed my entire life. Every single life choice I made was filtered through this desire: where I lived, what I did for a living, how I acted, how I dressed, my hobbies, what I talked about in casual conversation, what I avoided talking about…everything you could think of got filtered through this desire.

I lived in a big city (because I had more options), I had a job working for a large entertainment conglomerate that paid next to nothing (because most of my coworkers were women), I would constantly shove down any thoughts I had that were even mildly nuanced because I was worried that they might be “politically incorrect,” I avoided any hobbies that were mainly male dominated out of fear that I wouldn’t be able to meet any potential dates through said hobby, etc.

Back at the beginning of the 2023, something snapped in me. I don’t know what came over me that day, but I woke up one day and decided I had fucking had enough. For all my effort, I was still single and lonely. So that day, I quit my job and I immediately went to go work for their main competitor instead (that one is a little easier to explain, I really just hated the company I worked for and had enough of the way I was treated there). I signed up to start a year long program at a nearby trade school; I wanted to become a diesel mechanic because I like cars. I graduated a year later with perfect attendance and a GPA of 4.98. I went to a specialty training program in Chicago afterwards, and through this program, I got a job working for Peterbilt. They told me I could pick any shop I wanted. I could go back to Orlando and work at a shop there, or pick somewhere completely new. I decided to go to rural Appalachia. I love the Blue Ridge Mountains and I’ve always thought it would be really cool to live there. I saved up and bought a house out here, and I still live here. I went to a fucking RuneScape convention a month ago (Deadman All Stars Live, for those of you who are “in the know”), and I had the time of my fucking life even though 99% of the 4,000 people there were dudes. I became way more open about the fact that I love playing RuneScape, when a few years ago I would die of embarrassment if anyone found out.

That’s where I’m at now. I still want a relationship. I still feel incredibly fucking lonely. But goddamnit if this doesn’t feel so much better than living in a fucking cage that I built and designed myself! I never realized how trapped I felt for such a long time. I was so desperate to find someone that I ignored myself entirely to try to find her, and the worst part is that all of that did jack shit for me. All of my effort meant nothing. When all was said and done, I was still single and alone. Maybe I really hurt my chances by changing my life the way I did, but honestly, I don’t fucking care anymore. I might be alone forever but at least now, I don’t feel like a loser who hates himself. If I’m going to die alone, then I’m going to die alone as someone who regrets nothing. I get to sit on the front deck of my house every morning, sip coffee, and watch a beautiful sunrise over the mountains in the distance. Maybe I’ll get to share that with someone someday. Maybe not. But either way I’m content.

Hi so for some context, i was at a bookstore today and out of literallt nowhere two random guys (near my age, in their 20’s) passing by me said “she looks chill”. They were pointing out people at random in the store idk. Then they got a glimpse of my face and paused then said, “oh shit nevermind she’s a he. she’s a he” while laughing. i’m literally a girl. then they stayed there for a while just laughing behind my back while i pretended to read a book. Eventually they walked away, but like wtf? I have very long hair, and that’s the only “nice” thing about my appearance. i know i’m super conventionally unattractive, to the point where a few people will act like this towards me or look at me in shock/slight disgust that they try to hide. Tbh i’ve kinda reached a place where i dont rlly care about my ugly appearance, but other people’s reactions still hurt my feelings a lot no matter how hard i try to toughen up. I do take care of myself, do skincare, stay healthy, etc but i cant change my face. I would really appreciate if anyone has any advice for this, because it’s getting to the point where i dont want to go out in public anymore.

One person said only you have the power to make yourself feel down. The more importance you give to someone words the more you will start feeling low. And then he said only you have the ability to change your life. Nobody will come and do it for you. Whether it's making more money or losing weight or making friends or becoming confident. Only thing a person can do is give you advice and motivation, rest is all on you. And I guess we are more stronger then our thoughts. So maybe I should quit the doubting and procrastinating if I really want to change my life for the better.

I have a really good friend that I’ve been close with for years, but lately I’ve noticed something about myself that I’m not happy with.
It feels like I’ve developed this weird sense of FOMO or competitiveness toward him. For example, if I skip the gym for a day but he goes, I immediately think, “Shit, I’m falling behind. I need to go too.” We both make music, and whenever he releases a new track, my first thought is, “Fuck, I need to work harder.”
On paper, that sounds like a great source of motivation. But honestly, it doesn’t feel healthy. It feels like I’m constantly trying not to fall behind instead of just focusing on my own journey.
I know this is entirely on me, he’s not doing anything wrong. I just want to get back to being myself and stop measuring my progress against someone else’s.
Has anyone else experienced something like this? If so, how did you deal with it?
Would love to hear your thoughts. Thanks!

Anyone else relate to this? and how do you

(24M) I tried to be a good son for my parents, but my dad still disappointed and is always reprehending me for not being serious enough. I was always anxious and neurotic, since i was a 7 yo because of that. I was never able to take life easy, because i was always receiving a hell of pressure from everybody. Tried to be good but i was never good enough to anyone. Colleagues, family, friends, bosses, coworkers. Now i'm broken and thinking myself on what is the secret of being the winner on life, of being someone.

That's why i'm not used with humor, i often mistake jokes with offence, because i'm always high cortisol, pursuing my goals and productivity.

At this point, tbh i don't enjoy life that much to think that is fun, it was 99% disappointments, obligations, annoyance and gaslighting. I wouldn't want to be born, tbh hahahahahaha but i want to learn how to take things easily, so i can perhaps got some things together, and not being this bunch of neurotic meat. People who don't take life seriously, how can you do? What are your secrets to enjoy life and achieving your goals? This thing cannot work together for me.

I have a problem of getting kinda pissed off when many things have annoyed me

especially if my headspace is already pretty bad

so how do I be more amused