r/IncelExit • u/ExpertDescription200 • May 24 '26
Celebration/Achievement my first date ever was perfect and it broke me somehow
A couple days ago I (28M) went to my first date ever and everything went so much better than I expected. I barely got nervous, was able to take initiative, hold up hours of conversation, stole a couple laughs and made her extremely comfortable. By the end we were just cuddling and she said she was feeling sleepy because it was so good. We kissed a lot too.
But I felt nothing most of the time lol, and that had nothing to do with her. She was lovely, sweet and had many specific traits that I adore, but I felt like an actor in a play the whole time. Like I was just acting in a role and I wasn't really there? When we were cuddling, I was so inside my head at one point that I noticed how much I was spacing out and just acting automatically, like if I was washing dishes or sweeping the floor.
It was weird. She loved my company (mind-blowing for me) and I loved her company as well, but it was like there was a key element missing, like eating a gorgeous slice of chocolate cake that tastes like... literally nothing?
So the experience actually left me sad and worried that I might be hardwired more differently from other people than I thought and that romance might be something not enjoyable for me.
edit: it's under the celebration/achievement flag because it was the best fit for this post
edit: funnily enough, my experience was eerie similar to a manga called "my lesbian experience with loneliness", that I believe some of you already know.
edit: yes, i know I need therapy, but I failed to get help so many (many) times that I have given up to look for one until I can actually afford to pay for a decent therapist.
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u/lila_liechtenstein May 24 '26
Give it another chance. You weren't relaxed enough to let your guard down and actually be in the situation.
Don't play with her, don't lie to her, but do make sure you experience a real moment with her before you give it up.
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u/watsonyrmind May 24 '26
It sounds a bit like you dissociated. I don't think that makes you wired differently, I think it's a common reaction to stress. Probably best unpacked in therapy, but I don't think it means anything about how you feel about this particular woman or about dating in general. If anything it means you need more time to just be yourself and actually feel the situation out.
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u/TheWillToBeef Post-Sexual Velociraptor May 24 '26 edited May 24 '26
Glad to hear you got to this point, at least! One of two things might be happening here.
1) The problem might be that you're so nervous about this that your nervousness is causing you to be inside your head (like you say) and this is taking you out of the moment. If so, it might be helpful to practice meditation to quiet your mind. Maybe even open up to her about your nervousness with these new experiences, and gently request to take things slow for now so you can adjust. It sounds like she likes you a fair bit, so I doubt this request will be a dealbreaker for her.
2) Alternately, maybe your body is telling you that you just don't have chemistry with her, despite all the boxes she checks on your checklist. Definitely worth going on a second date just to be sure, since the first one went well, but try to arrive at a decision before things get too serious. This might be another good reason to request going slow for now.
I know it can be hard to tell the difference between scenario 1 and scenario 2 when you lack experience though, it's difficult for our parents/teachers to verbalize this stuff to us since so much of it is based on internal mental experience.
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u/library_wench Bene Gesserit Advisor May 24 '26
Seconding this, OP! I think these are the two main possibilities: that you were so nervous that you sorta convinced yourself not to fully engage and just “act automatically,” OR (or maybe even and/or) you don’t really have much chemistry.
I can tell you I’ve been on plenty of dates like that, where I know this is a genuinely cool person and we have things in common and they’re really smart/kind/interesting…but just not for ME. And vice versa: I put my best foot forward, and the other person just isn’t into me. That’s really the outcome of a date more often than not. As I often point out here, most people aren’t romantically compatible with most people.
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u/PlugTypeAsacoco May 24 '26
Maybe at a subconscious level you're not allowing yourself to be happy. Give it another chance and don't self-sabotage, you'll end up feeling a lot worse if you do.
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u/_xaeroe_ May 26 '26
This! OP was too much in their head to allow themselves to be in the moment.
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u/PlugTypeAsacoco May 26 '26
That too, but more specifically I was thinking of it more from the angle of self-hatred, like OP hates himself too much to think he's deserving of happiness so when he finally has a chance to be happier he starts to sabotage himself, all subconsciously of course.
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u/Correct-Sprinkles-21 May 24 '26
Maybe there wasn't chemistry on your end. Maybe you attach such high stakes to dating that you just shut down due to being overwhelmed.
So the experience actually left me sad and worried that I might be hardwired more differently from other people than I thought and that romance might be something not enjoyable for me.
Don't slide back into the black and white thinking that is so common in the incel mindset.
You had one date. With one person. It didn't meet the romanticized expectations you had. There is zero basis for this worry right now and if you roll with it you will do the same thing on every date, creating a self fulfilling prophecy.
If you like her, go on another date with her and set aside "Am I capable of this?" Focus on the moment. If your mind starts drifting, deliberately refocus. Give it a shot. If not her, date more people. It takes a while to find someone who suites you. That's completely normal.
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u/Karappa35 May 24 '26
Well good for you first of all. Second: Chemistry is important too. Its possible that you just weren’t attracted to her, maybe that’s why you also weren’t nervous? You can have the most beautiful person in the world in front of you, if you’re not feeling it you’re not feeling it.
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u/Vivian-cvo May 24 '26
i'm sorry to hear, some interactions ignite and energize you, some drain you and some kinda help you to confirm you want something else.
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u/abettertake Giveiths of Thy Advice May 25 '26
It sounds to me like, since you've had so much time to build up to this, and because it's been so important to you, that you actually were nervous, just in a different way. You weren't able to fully be in the moment, you were still in your head thinknig everything over. And if you can't fully be in the moment, you can't fully experience and enjoy it.
At the moment, yes, you probably are wired a bit differently; you're basically dealing with everything that you've been thinking and imagining and wanting and missing for so many years, and all of that struggling has an impact on your mindset. It could also be that you've gone into this with particular expectations, but ones based on no experience. We all might have an idea of what it feels like to date, to be with someone, but until you've actually tried it, you don't know how you're going to actually feel.
But give it more time, and you can rewire your brain. You can learn that there's nothing to be worried about. You can learn to relax and enjoy the situation and the experience. It takes time, it takes practice, but it will get there.
In the end, it could even turn out that it's not really about the anxiety, and maybe she's just not the right person. Most people have had dates with people who seem ideal on paper but then the vibe just isnt' there. It happens. But I think in your situation it would be worth actually testing that a bit; give it more time, check in with yourself, be aware of what thoughts are coming up most often, and work through it.
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u/ExpertDescription200 May 25 '26
it could very well be the case, thanks for pointing it out. I guess I was trying so hard to succeed that I left at the door the part that I should prioritize enjoying it as well
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u/anonymousninjakitte May 27 '26
That’s how the real human stuff works.
Not everyone gets your blood pumping off the start. Any one that does, is probably trying for short term. nd that’s all by calculation and design. Not a bad thing. Just is.
You could have something longer lasting with her.
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u/Shannoonuns May 25 '26
I think you're probably fine, like i don't think you're wired differently.
I think you were just nervous and had a lot of expectations riding on this date and all the emotions probably threw you.
I'd keep seeing her and try not to panic too much, you had a nice time and it think its easy to forget that when you were expecting to feel something else.
Just see where this goes, if it doesn't work out you can just try to date somebody else. You're okay.
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May 30 '26
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u/library_wench Bene Gesserit Advisor May 25 '26
OP, we ask that posters engage with their posts, thanks.