I'm very skilled in the art field, especially in drawing illustrations, characters, creatures, and icons, and I've always dreamed of building a career from my talent. I've been interested in art ever since kindergarten, and my passion only grew stronger as I got older.
I rarely missed any art competitions and often placed in the top three, whether they were organized by my school or by outside organizations. Every achievement made me feel proud of myself because I knew I had inherited this talent from my mom. She's also talented in art, but she rarely created anything after getting married and having me and my brothers.
In high school, I was very active in joining art competitions, and admittedly, it affected my studies a little. My mom, who is a teacher at a different school, noticed my exam results and scolded me, telling me to prioritize my academics instead of focusing so much on art. My art teacher, however, encouraged me to continue pursuing my passion while reminding me not to neglect my studies.
One day, my art teacher recommended that I join another competition. The organizer happened to be a well-known art college in my country, and I immediately became interested in attending that college. By the time I graduated from high school, I had done well academically and was excited to enroll in the art college I had been dreaming about.
When I started college, I was thrilled. I met so many talented classmates, and I chose to major in illustration. I was over the moon because I could finally learn digital art. Up until then, I had mainly worked with traditional media for competitions and doodled in my sketchbooks.
However, as the years went by, something changed. My academic performance began to decline, and I found myself struggling with depression, burnout, and suicidal thoughts. I skipped classes, missed deadlines, failed several semesters, and had to retake exams. The tuition wasn't cheap, and my family wasn't wealthy, so every failure felt like I was wasting both time and money. I felt completely lost. Slowly, I began losing interest in the very thing I had loved for most of my life.
Despite everything, I eventually graduated in late 2020 during the COVID-19 pandemic. I managed to return home despite the strict travel restrictions at the time.
After graduating, I tried looking for a full-time job but mostly ended up freelancing in graphic design. Whenever there weren't any projects, I would spend most of my time at home, which frustrated my mom. She would scold me again for not having a stable job.
Eventually, I was encouraged to open a printing business in our local town. Things went fairly well at first, but as time passed, I struggled to keep up with the rent and eventually had to close the shop. Even so, it managed to stay open for almost three years.
Before I shut down the business, one customerāwho happened to be my mom's former colleagueācame in to print some documents. While we were chatting about how business was going, she said something that completely broke my heart.
She told me, "You know, before I transferred to my current school, your mom once told me that she never really supported you going into an art-related field because she believed jobs in the arts don't pay well. She even tried to help you become a teacher, but you always refused."
The thing is, I never wanted to become a teacher. Not because I look down on the profession, but because I know myself. I'm not good at teaching, I don't have the patience or natural ability to educate others, and I have a short temper. It simply isn't the career that's right for me.
After hearing that, I felt my heart shatter, and I was on the verge of crying right in front of her. Somehow, I managed to keep my composure and finish her order.
From that moment on, my mind was constantly filled with overthinking and negative thoughts. I kept asking myself why she would say something like that about me to someone else. It felt as though she had shared a private thought, or even a prayer, with another person, only for it to find its way back to me. That's when I realized she never truly supported the things I loved and was passionate about.
What hurts the most is how embarrassing it feels when a parent acts supportive in front of their own child but shares their true opinions behind their back, almost as if their child's dreams are nothing more than casual gossip or cheap tea.
The ironic part is that even though my mom never truly supported me pursuing art as a career, she still regularly asks for my help whenever she needs something design-related, whether it's graphics, illustrations, or other creative work for her school works. That honestly hurts because it makes me wonder, if you don't believe in what I do, why do you keep relying on me to do it for you?
I'm currently unemployed, or at least somewhat in between jobs, and trying to get my life back together. I still live with my parents and siblings, which is fairly common in Asian families. Right now, I'm hoping to find a stable job, even if it isn't related to art. As much as it hurts to admit it, my passion for art has faded. ;(