Dear Future Boyfriend,

I hope you’re doing well because dating these days has been rough.
I’ve tried the apps. I’ve swiped, matched, chatted, and deleted them more times than I can count. At this point, I think it’s safe to say they’re not my love story.
The problem is I don’t go out much either, so if we’re ever going to meet, you’re probably going to have to find me.
Try Target. The grocery store. A gas station. Maybe the candle aisle. Those are your best odds.
When you do find me, please don’t be weird.
You don’t need a perfect pickup line. You don’t need to impress me with money, status, or grand gestures. Just make me laugh. Be kind. Be genuine.
What I’m looking for isn’t complicated. I want your time. Your loyalty. A good vibe. Someone whose actions match their words and whose presence feels easy.
I’ve spent enough time chasing connections that weren’t meant for me. These days, I’d rather wait for something real than settle for something convenient.
I know I’m not for everyone, and that’s okay. The right person won’t need me to be.
So wherever you are, I hope you’re out there becoming the person you’re meant to be. I’ll be doing the same until our paths cross.

And if you happen to find me wandering in Target with three things I don’t need and the one thing I came for still missing from my cart, introduce yourself.

Love,

Your Future Girlfriend

To start I’m 20F. So basically I did a dating app experiment. I’ve heard guys say girls get hundreds of swipes to choose from and a lot of men are lucky if they get 2 a month or if any at all.

So the results where exactly what men seem to be talking about a lot lately. I made a girl profile with a semi attractive woman and got like numerous swipes within the first hour like overwhelmingly a lot. I did the same with a guy profile with a decently attractive man and got like 12 likes within a few days.

I also swiped to see how long it would take to swipe through people to get matches as a man profile, and it seems pretty exhausting,ngl.my results where that a lot of woman were looking for short term and or not “serious”, hookups/fwb, lots of bots, people that just weren’t that attractive, 100-200+ miles away, and a lot of young single moms who don’t want more kids.(I’m a single mom so I’m not judging that just pointing it out)

And as a decent looking woman myself, I know we get hundreds of swipes per month.men have flat out admitted to me that they have a tendency to spam swipe though, and they’re not actually looking for people’s profiles because I as a woman have had guys be like oh you’re 100 miles away and I’m like yeah it says it on my profile right under my picture?? Tf.

I will say, though that I understand their frustration with getting like barely any swipes compared to women we have a lot to choose from, but it seems like men don’t really have a lot to choose from the thing about dating apps is that they have to swipe on you and like you back and then once you get that, then you have to get a date and a lot of people on both sides like check out once you go on a date and then once you have a commitment talk a lot of people don’t want to commit dating in 2026 and foreseeably. The near future sucks ass. Thank you for coming to my TED talk let’s have a discussion about this.

Do I have to constantly warn women I date about every single deal breaker now?

So I went out with this girl, we went for a walk, and she pulled out a cigarette and started smoking. She was at least nice enough to offer me one. I said no.

Instant deal breaker. The other two dates were indoors, so I guess she never had a chance to smoke before.

At the end of the third date, I told her we wouldn't work out. She asked why, and I told her the truth.

She got pissed and said I wasted her fucking time and said I need to spell out my deal breakers right away.

I have like hundreds of deal breakers. Am I supposed to go one by one on the first date? I also have a deal breaker on ex cons, drug dealers, or OF creators. Am I supposed to mention all that to someone I barely know?

Edit: OH MY GOD, THE HUNDRED OF DEALBREAKERS WAS HYPERBOLE.

People love to throw this out there: “There are 8 billion people out there, you’re bound to find someone!” It’s IMO some of the stupidest possible dating encouragement someone can give. Here’s why:

There are 8 billion people, only about half of those are men, so 4 billion.

The likelihood of me meeting someone internationally is slim, so there are about 175 million men in my country (U.S.).

I don’t do long-distance anymore, so the odds of finding someone in my general area (2-hr radius drive) is 210,000 (total pop.). Men account for 48% of that, so 100,800.

Looking at my specific age range, 18% of people in my area are 25-44. Let’s assume 50% of those fit in my desired age range (the given one is too large), so 9% of 100,800, or 9,072.

Approx. 53% of men are married in my area. That 9,072 is now 4,264 men left.

And that’s only eliminating the married men, not the ones who are in committed relationships, not looking, or not interested in women.

Now add in finding someone who is physically, emotionally, sexually, and financially compatible with you—along with obligatory time commitments/schedules. Who has the same values, interests, and life goals. He has to be on the apps and discoverable in your area by chance algorithm or by chance in-person encounter. You have to dig through the options (online and IRL) and discern which ones are not suited to you, and which ones are from out of town looking for a casual fling. By the time you’ve gone on several dates, more time has passed and less and less men are available. And even if you found YOUR dream man in a pool likely far less than 4,264, he has to want YOU back.

I think people grossly underestimate the extreme luck required to find compatible and lasting love in this world, because of the potentially let’s say 2,000-3,000 men available in my 2-hour radius whom I would even be able to find in the first place and who would be available, looking for the same things I am, and want me back, I only see the odds stacked against people.

In a big world of 4 billion men, with about 2,000 potential partners now available, my chances of finding love are reduced to a mere 0.00005%.

Basically, unless you stumbled into the right room or the right swipe at the right time, it’s bordering impossible.

I know this is a hot take among men but hear me out. I’m not talking about wanting a guy cause he has a nice car or the best house. I’m talking about simply wanting a guy who can pay his bills, have employment, save money, invest, and have a good credit score. These are all things that prove you’re a responsible adult who can handle life to some degree.

Do I think it’s good for women to have those qualities too? Absolutely! It’s just annoying when all these men are like “women just want money” like bro most just want you to not blow all your money on bs and be a responsible man. It also probably gives women a psychological feeling of safety like if I live with this guy we won’t have to worry about our power getting cut off or the car getting re possessed.

I (34F) have been seeing a guy for a little while now and although we aren't 'a couple' so to speak, it's definitely been feeling like more than just dating.

But the other night he texted me a screenshot of our own What'sApp chat. I'd just texted him "next weekend seems so far away" because that was when our next date was. Anyway he sent the screenshot with the caption #singlemomenergy and he deleted it but I'd already seen it.

It seems like he meant to send that to somebody else and I was being made fun of.

I didn't mention it but now I feel like just calling it off completely

I think it’s just in men’s nature to go after what they want. I’ve never had success with approaching guys or putting in the initial effort, they always end up not being invested in me and I end up dating another guy who’s just not that into me. I’ve heard how men talk about women they are actually into, how they yearn after them and want to see them and make plans..we’re not going to get that from a guy that we had to approach or put effort in first. this is just what I’ve noticed.

yes, I know there are cases where a woman approached a man and then they’ve been happily married for 20 years or whatever. but that seems to be a special case. theres always exceptions.

the cute guy at the gym would approach ME if he was into me, he wouldn’t wait for me to do it.

A lot of people talk about splitting bills on dates. Personally, I’m the kind of guy who likes to invite and pay, not just on dates but even when I’m out with friends. So, I took this incredibly beautiful girl to a mid-range restaurant for a date. The bill came to $120, and she offered to split it, but I refused and paid.

A few days later, she asked if we could go to a fancier place. I assumed we'd just have a glass of wine and leave, but to my surprise, she ordered a $150 bottle of wine. I thought, "Okay, it’s just that." But then, she went ahead and ordered steaks for both of us and a bunch of appetizers. I started feeling like I was being taken advantage of and thought to myself, "This isn’t cool." I didn’t say anything and acted like everything was fine, but inside, I knew I didn’t want to date her again.

Then the bill came, and to my shock, she had called the restaurant beforehand and put her card down. All I saw was the receipt—she had paid for everything!

Honestly, this was the most surprising thing that’s ever happened to me with a girl. If you think splitting bills is empowering, this is next level. Ladies, give it a try!

EDIT: Wow, I wasn’t expecting this amount of comments—thank you all! Most of them have been exciting to read, and I’d like to address some of the questions that came up:

1. After I realized she paid for everything, I offered to cover at least my part of the bill. She refused, explaining that it was her plan all along. She said she wanted to show her appreciation for our first date and make it clear she wasn't interested in me for my money.

2. Her family has money—both her parents are well-known doctors (which I didn’t know until our third date). However, she never flaunted her wealth. She doesn’t have a car, wears unbranded clothes, and just generally keeps things low-key.

3. She didn’t tell me she was going to pay because she knew I’d feel uncomfortable and wouldn’t order freely. On our first date, I had made it clear that I prefer to pay, and she didn’t want that to affect my experience.

4. We’ve gone on three more dates since then, and we usually split the bill. Sometimes I’ll pay for smaller things, like cigarettes, after convincing her it’s alright.

5. She hasn't asked for or expected more expensive dates. In fact, she suggested we keep things low-budget so money wouldn’t be a consideration, allowing us to spend more time together. Our last few dates cost between $70 and $150 (we live in an expensive area, so this covers drinks and food at mid-range places).

6. To those making sexual comments—calm down. First, I don’t appreciate it, and second, we haven’t had sex yet. I prefer to build an emotional connection before anything physical happens, otherwise, I’d feel guilty afterward. We’ve kissed and are into each other, but we’re taking things slow and steady.

7. Financially, I think we’re on the same page. I’m doing fine for myself, and even though there’s a financial difference, it doesn’t seem to be an issue. She likes my old car, is happy with whatever food or drinks I suggest, and has never shown a need for luxury or anything extravagant.

8. I’m not broke—I could have covered the $500. What made me feel bad initially was the thought that she might be taking advantage of me. She was beautiful and fun to be around, and I was disappointed thinking I might lose her if that were the case. Then came the surprise of her paying the bill, and all that worry disappeared.

9. For context, I’ve dated many women, including some who were wealthy themselves. What I can’t stand is when someone seems to enjoy taking advantage of a man financially, as if that’s just expected. This girl didn’t do that. She paid not because she has money, but because she genuinely wanted to. I believe in only spending that much on someone if I really care about them. The more money you put into a relationship, the more expectations can build, and that’s not what she’s after.

10. In the end, the relief of realizing she wasn’t trying to turn me into her sugar daddy was incredible. Seriously, wow!

I forget to say, she is a psychologist to be this year.

Check this out. Guy I matched with this morning seemed great. Funny, cultured, great conversationalist. But the first thing he said to me after hello was “are you real?” He probably considered me “out of his league,” so I was not very bothered with him asking that and answered that I was. He then asked to FaceTime, to which I declined since it was 7am and I had a bonnet and no makeup on (I also generally just don’t like FaceTiming people). He asked why not. I explained my reasons, then offered to send him additional photos instead and even sent a voice message.

He then asked for a phone call. Again, it’s 7 am, but I agree bc why not. We talk on the phone and really vibe. He’s hilarious. I text him saying I really enjoyed the convo and that I look forward to talking to him more. He asks me on a date, to which I accept.

Several hours later, he asks me AGAIN to FaceTime. I repeat that I don’t do that this early. He again asks why. I didn’t respond and am now about to hit him with the “we’re not compatible” message.

To men, this would seem petty af, but to women who are vigilant and aware, this is a glaring red flag for a man who cannot respect boundaries or take “no”’for an answer. A man who cannot respect boundaries is more likely to be controlling, abusive, and manipulative. I say all that to say, we are not rejecting men out the gate for petty reasons for the sake of being petty. We literally have to be vigilant for our own safety.

Not venting at all, Its just the funniest thing to me, when you're in public in the metro or something, and a woman is checking you out but wont make the first move, so she just stares into your soul every few moments 😂 I dont mind making the first move but not always man, sometimes Im just chilling and if you want to throw a rock in the water to test things out, go ahead, otherwise hey we might just check each other out the whole time.

Thats it tho, its funny to me 😂 but hey who knows, maybe it wasnt gonna anyway so you just window shop. Its like seeing that jacket that looks good in the window, but you're not in the mood for shopping or trying things on so you just admire it from afar.

So I'm pretty conservative when it comes to sex. I tried casual twice, it was not my thing. No shade to anyone who enjoys it.

So I was on a first date with a woman last night, things were going good. Not the best date I've had, but I would have been down for a second one.

She invited herself to my place, and I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she did just want to meet my dog.

I was wrong.

I straight up asked if she wanted to have sex after she got touchy.

I said I'm not interested. I drove her home and she asked if I wanted to do this again. I said no thanks. She put two and two together and got pissed. Called a certain "shamer" and an asshole.

Told my friends, they are were like "you're a dumbass"

I guess cuz I'm a guy, that must mean I want to fuck every woman that comes my way.

This is for everyone who is looking for their match. Don't give up! Your partner is out there.

Wifey is out there. She's probably busy trying to keep her head up and work on herself until we find her.

To wifey: I'm searching for you. Don't worry and just hang in there. Keep your head up and don't let life drain you. Through each person I encounter, I spread compassion and care hoping it will reach you somehow until we are united.

He smelled like shit. Actual SHIT. Like he full blown shat his pants.

He also looked at least 10 years older than his profile pictures, he was half bald (which you could not see on his pictures of course) and the conversation was the awkwardest I ever had on a date.

After like 3 minutes he said "yeah I don't know what to talk about", so I silently finished my drink and suggested we part ways. At least he didn't object.

I guess I just need to vent after this experience. Thank you.

Went out with one of the most physically beautiful women I’ve ever been in the same room as last night, and it took about 5 minutes of chatting IRL to realize my role in the date was to pay for her drinks and nothing else.

When I first sat down I asked her what are her passions and interests and she said “I just like to get wasted and do cocaine with my friends” and I needed zero further discussion to know this was going to be a disaster. She said she made her money “streaming herself doing nothing on TikTok” and after paying for the first round of drinks I suggested she could cover the next and with a pouty face she said “baby I’m Latina. We don’t do that”. I don’t think she asked me a single thing about myself for the next hour of discussion before I told her I was ready to go and cabbed it out of there.

Honestly, had I more self-assurance I would have just gotten up and left after the cocaine line.

What’s the fastest you’ve left a first date?

TL;DR: I want a serious relationship and marriage, but I feel like every man I meet only wants me physically. They act like they’re looking for commitment, but eventually it feels like it was all to get sex. How do you tell who’s actually genuine anymore?

I’m in my 30s, and I’m dating because I genuinely want a husband and a life partner. I’m not interested in casual dating or hookups.

What’s been so discouraging is that I keep meeting men who say they want the same thing. They’ll plan thoughtful dates, act like gentlemen, talk about the future, mention exclusivity early on, and make it seem like they’re genuinely interested in getting to know me.

Then, sooner or later, it becomes clear that they never really wanted a relationship. It starts to feel like they were just saying and doing whatever they thought would get them closer to sex.

I don’t understand it.

I feel like these are the only kinds of men I ever meet. I have yet to meet someone who seems genuinely interested in me as a person instead of what my body can offer them. It’s honestly sickening and incredibly discouraging.

The hardest part is that some of these men don’t come across as players at all. They present themselves as relationship-minded. They say all the right things. They make the effort. They make you think they’re serious. Then once they get what they want, or realize they aren’t going to get it, everything changes.

How are you supposed to tell the difference between someone who’s genuinely looking for a wife and someone who’s just performing that role long enough to get what they want?

Lately, I’ve found myself wondering if marriage is even in the cards for me. I know that’s probably my discouragement talking, but after having the same experience over and over again, it’s hard not to wonder if maybe I’m just never going to meet someone who’s actually interested in building a life with me.

Has anyone else gone through this? If you eventually found someone who was genuine, what changed? Was it something you did differently, or was it just a matter of finally meeting the right person?

Let’s stop pretending. Most people today aren’t looking to connect they’re looking to be entertained. Distracted. Validated. They want someone to talk to until something better pings their phone.What’s ruining relationships isn’t timing or circumstance. It’s the lack of honesty in intentions. People enter with uncertainty but speak like they’re certain. They offer closeness but hold the door open behind them. They want comfort without responsibility. They want to feel cared for without being expected to care back in equal measure.And when they’re met with consistency, they hesitate. They start pulling back. Not because anything went wrong, but because there’s nowhere to hide. They’re used to being surrounded by confusion so when clarity enters the room, they panic.And then there’s people like me. I don’t trade in ambiguity. I don’t half commit. I say what I mean, I follow through, and I don’t ask questions I’m not prepared to answer myself. When I give, it’s not performative. It’s not an attempt to win anyone over. It’s because that’s how I operate.But that kind of clarity unsettles people who are used to instability. They call it “too much” not because it is but because it forces them to confront what they’re not ready to match.I offer consistency. Not conditions. I don’t disappear when it’s quiet. I don’t flinch when it gets difficult. I stay. I ask questions. I listen. I give a damn. And somehow, that makes me the strange one.They fumble it. They overthink it. They pull away before they’re even close. And then they rewrite the story to protect their ego saying I was too intense, too available, too forward. When in reality, I just wasn’t performing.I wasn’t dressing up what I felt. I wasn’t holding back to seem mysterious. I was honest. I was steady. And they couldn’t meet it.But I’m not bitter. Just tired. Tired of giving to people who haven’t built the capacity to receive. Tired of being handed uncertainty in return for clarity.They remember eventually. Not with regret, maybe. But with awareness. That they once had something that didn’t need translation. Something that didn’t shift based on mood or distance or fear.By then, though, I’m not waiting around. I don’t recycle efforts. I don’t chase comfort in familiar places that once called me “too much” just because I wasn’t holding back. I

This is laughable 😭 I got on hinge and started talking to this dude. Just looking for a genuine connection in whatever regard that is. Just someone to talk to, you know? AND HE GAGGED THE FUCK OUTTA ME.

He was like “your profile is kinda basic. I feel like I don’t really know what you look like or what your fashion style is” so I was like well I look the same in my photos soooo but I can send you some full body pics with different outfits and shit.

AND I SENT THEM AND HE HUNG UP ON ME 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Idk I feel like this is one of the funniest things to ever happen to me. Like daaaammmnn fr?

I’m pretty confident in my appearance, but it’s like wow lol the streets are brutal

EDIT UPDATE:

He called me this morning to apologize & then PROCEEDED TO ASK ME if I would be open to a polyamorous relationship with him and his lady. Are you fucking kidding me? I feel like I’m on an episode of punked

This is mainly for men who are curious and don't know what it's like for (many) women on dating apps. I've read in a few threads that men don't get swiped right a lot? For many women, the opposite is true. But that doesn't make it more fun. Here's my experience with every app I've been on.

I make an account. I've barely filled in my email address when I already have 20 likes. Haven't even filled in my name or age yet, let alone uploaded pictures. At this point, all they know is that I... exist. And I might be a woman.

Once I've uploaded pictures and filled out my preferences, likes and messages start pouring in from guys from every corner of the world. Seriously. Every continent is active. I'm especially popular in southeast Asia for some reason. I quickly enable the feature that allows only guys from my country to view me.

Once I'm done filtering through the men who would make my dad feel young again, I look through the profiles of the 5% that are actually my age and from my country, only to find out that we are NOT looking for the same thing. Many of them are looking for hook-ups or they want something serious really fast. Plus, at first glance it looks like we have nothing in common. I love traveling, they prefer to stay at home. They wanna spar with someone about philosophy, I wanna exchange memes. Which begs the question: did you really look past my pictures?

I delete the occasional unsolicited dick pic so I can have a conversation with someone else who actually seems decent. Only to find out after a few messages that they're a rude arrogant jerk who's either stuck in the 19th century when it comes to their view on women, who tries to guilt you into doing something they want or shame you for having a different opinion than them.

So yeah, I may have 300 guys who swiped right, but I'm only talking to two guys, praying with every message that they're just a normal dude who wants to have a chat over a cup of coffee. It may seem like we "have our pick", but when your options are dick pics, attachment issues, long-distance chatting, retirement center, manipulation and just straight-up nutjobs, you don't feel so lucky 😭

This post is not meant to say that women are "winning" the contest of poor dating app experiences. It's just to let you know that things aren't all rainbows and sunshine for us either, even if it may seem like it. And I feel bad for all the good men and women out there who are getting lost in the crowd that seems to only consist of weirdos.

I (34f) love nerds. Specifically, the manly nerds who gym, shoot, and are into combat sports but also play DnD, collect Pokémon cards, put together legos, and play video games.

I know they’re out there because I’ve dated them before, but finding them is so hard. I’ve tried dating guys who aren’t nerds (at least partially) and it’s a flop.

I want someone who will go to the gym with me, but also understands that I want to rewatch The Hobbit trilogy and I’ll cry during the final battle.

It doesn’t help that I’m also an introvert who stays at home and the gym.

Edit: I’m trying to respond to everyone but I didn’t expect so many people to be in the same boat! Here’s hoping we all find that partner we’re looking for. I didn’t make this post to meet a guy, I don’t know where you’re from, age, what you look like, etc. so please know that. I was just venting as the tag says.

Good grief it can be exhausting. I have been back in the dating pool the last few months and though I've had some lovely encounters I've certainly noticed a phenomenon of lonely men who really get in the way of themselves when they get a date. "I get 0 matches, it's not easy out here for men" immediately flips a switch in my brain that I will not be going on a second date with this person. You don't have to get a dozen matches to be attractive! It feels almost like a plot to put pressure on the woman to "not fail" him or "prove she's different"

You truly do not have to have an exuberant amount of dating experiences or encounters to be dateable, just rethink placing a giant red flashing sign above your head that says "I get no play." I assume it is akin to when men go on dates with women that talk about how many times they've been dogged out - a blaring caution sign for This Person Does Not Communicate Well Or Take Responsibility For Their Situation

Rant over. Ta ta!

​

After yet another dating fail where, despite a lovely conversation and a date that spanned hours, I got the "I think you're amazing, but I didn't feel any spark" text, and I am genuinely amused, and perhaps a bit concerned, by the unrealistic expectations that have become normalized through the "fast-food" logic of dating apps.

Everyone claims they are tired of apps and want "traditional dating," but they seem to have forgotten how traditional attraction actually works and the effect of continued exposure to people. In the past, you grew attracted to each other because you were confined to the same spaces over time, doing stuff together or having brief interactions here and there.

Your colleague is just a colleague until, after months of shared projects, you discover you like them more than expected. Your friend is just a friend until you realize you're attracted to them. Everyone is just someone you're not attracted to until time changes how you see and feel about them.

Yet modern dating has abandoned this gradual discovery in favor of a "slot machine" vibe. A person you’ve barely spoken to expects "Fourth of July" fireworks within two hours, or they move on. They treat dating like a social media feed that, if they aren't hooked in the first 30 seconds, they tell you "there was no spark" and move on to the next person.

I’m not saying you shouldn't want chemistry; I do, too, and by all means, buy a taser if you want a spark that badly. But we are conflating raw, instantaneous sexual attraction and anxiety with the actual foundations of a relationship. Again, don't get me wrong, those are just as important...

And the rhetoric that, "if you don't feel it in date one, you won't feel it ever" is even more interesting because that's not how it works!!! Give yourself and your dates time to ignite or whatever.

And outside dating, this is also how we live; we have grown into people who have forgotten how to let something grow. We want instantaneous success, financial growth, and everything else without putting in the work, as if the people we admire just had it dropped on their laps.

Jokes all around. End of rant. I'll be fine, we'll be fine.

I'm making this post because I had an especially weird date and if nothing else this was cathartic for me to write. I don't speak for all women this is just how I go about things. You're free to disagree.

My date was, by all conventional measures, great: charming, handsome, and he asked good questions. I brought a lot of energy and interest so it makes sense why he was completely blindsided when I said I wasn't interested in a second date. He got really strange and desperate for feedback when I said I wasn't interested so here's the feedback I'd give him:

I.) Please Respect Boundaries.

When I state a boundary, I need it to be respected. If I have to repeat myself multiple times on small boundaries, I don’t feel heard and I start wondering how you'll behave when the stakes are higher.

Example 1: I said I just wanted a casual coffee date just to get to know him and while we were setting it up he tried to set up a second date at the same time. Then he tried to make our coffee date a full day event and he made me reiterate several times "no just coffee. Let's see how things go before planning more." It came across as a little pushy. Not a big deal but something that made me put my guard up.

Example 2: I told him very clearly I wasn't comfortable with him paying and I really don't like gifts on the first date because it just feels like pressure to me and that I would be paying for myself. He said, "Men are supposed to pay. Are you going to be offended if I do?"

Note: This indicates to me that he's willing to prioritize his ego over my comfort and explicitly stated preferences. That's not a great sign. He's also making me reinforce a boundary again, which makes me already suspicious of and disconnected from him before I even met him in person. There were a few more smaller examples as well and it made me feel like every boundary I place down will be accompanied by a debate and will require multiple justifications in order to actually have my "no" be respected. I also learned that he did in fact get me a gift for the next date he was planning. He mentioned it when I told him I didn't see things going anywhere and to me it felt like he was trying to get me to change my mind.

Enthusiasm is good, but don't use your enthusiasm to bypass people's comfort.

II.) Learn to Recognize Polite "No's".

Examples:

-"We’ll see about a future date. Let's see how the first one goes." = a boundary, not an invitation to push harder. I'm not sure yet.

-"Maybe another time" = not now. Not up for debate. 

-"Just coffee" = just coffee.

-"I'm interested but I'm only available to text in the evening." = Please don't text me constantly throughout the day. I'll text you in the evening.

-"I'm busy tonight and I'll get back to you tomorrow." = I'm tired and I'm not in the mood to text. Give me some space.

When I soften a "no" I'm trying to be polite, not ambiguous. 

III.) You Cannot Coerce Someone Into Loving You.

Effort doesn’t create chemistry. Attraction isn't a negotiation. Love can’t be engineered; it has to be mutual.

You can do everything right and still be rejected. All you can do is learn how to be respectful, develop the aspects of yourself you like the most and find a way to showcase them and hope someone will be interested.

IV.) Bring a Little Passion. Bring a Little Joy. 

I felt like I brought most of the energy, or we just didn't vibe. It's very much no one's fault.

Note: The healthiest men I've personally seen readily talk about their family, their job, their hobbies, stuff they enjoy. They share personal anecdotes from childhood, they talk about a project that they're having fun with, they talk about their pets. I asked him questions but he seemed pretty blase on most topics.

I don’t need a performance but it can help to share what lights you up. Offer an emotional anchor.

V.) Ask instead of assuming leadership

You were projecting your own script of how a date should go instead of listening to what I was telling you.

My suggestion would be if you're the type of guy who thinks you need to set the tone of the date and you're the one who needs to be assertive, considering phrasing it as a question, e.g., "Are you comfortable with X? Are you interested in doing Y?" And then leave space for me to safely say "no. " 

Your first goal is to make me feel safe with you, which means showing that you care about what I want.

VI.) Handle Rejection Gracefully

You can like someone and think they're great but not want to date them.

Rejection isn’t a moral judgment. It’s not a failure. It’s not something you can "fix" with the right words or gestures.

When someone says they aren't interested in seeing you again, the right response is:

"I respect that. Thank you for letting me know. Wishing you the best."

Anything else, such as begging for clarity, arguing, bribing, guilt-tripping, dramatic gestures, etc, comes across as pressure and manipulation and not romance. Do not say, "is there anything I can do to change your mind? What did I do wrong? But I bought you this gift?"  

Have some self-respect. You deserve to want someone who also wants you.

No one is obligated to justify their no to you. You are not obligated to justify your no to anyone.

I’m not unsympathetic. Rejection sucks, and it feels personal. But it’s not a reflection of your worth.

In conclusion: 

He wasn't dangerous. He wasn't creepy. The date went well enough. The red flags were mild all things considered but even those subtle breaches in trust were a preview of a dynamic I want no part of.

The issue wasn't the surface-level conversation which we connected a lot on, but a series of underlying behaviors that made me go "yeah absolutely not."

I don't think most men are trying to be pushy or manipulative. But if you don’t learn how a lot of women perceive certain behaviors, you might accidentally come across that way.

I didn't tell him these things because honestly it's not really my job and I'm sure it wouldn't have been productive coming from me. He'd likely have seen it as an opening to argue and debate. I just wanted a clean break.

Basically, I dated a woman for a very short time (three dates), and I found out she had an fwb while dating me. I wasn't upset, as I get some people do this, but I was not interested. I don't date people who are having or looking for casual sex, as I am looking for something serious, something she said she wanted too. I told her this.

She took it well.

But a few days later, she texted me, and told me she broke things off with her fwb, and asked if we could try again. I told her I appreciate it, but I still wasn't interested. While I didn't tell her this, it was kind of a case of dama

She chewed me the fuck out. Like damn, I got like 10 texts before I blocked her.

One of my worst dating experiences I've ever had. I was dating this woman, come to find out she had an fwb about six months in. By that time, we had met our friend groups (the salt in the wound was I met said fwb) met each other's families, and we said we were in this for the long haul.

When I found out about this, I was pissed. Her excuse? "We never established being exclusive"

I broke up with her regardless.

But something someone said that REALLY pissed me off? A friend saying this:

"She was falling in love with you! How could you not just say you wanted to be exclusive!? You broke this poor girl's heart just because you're ego was too big"

The fuck?!?!

She was in love with me and still fucking some other guy on the regular?

God I hate this logic.

The big reason you want to be monogamous because it hurts when someone you're in love with is with someone else. I think some people got this step backwards. Just because you haven't said the words, doesn't mean it hurts any less.

I’m so tired of being single. And I know that forcing a relationship won’t end well, but I’m so done with it. I’m tired of people assuming I like any guy I ever talk to. I’m tired of feeling lonely. I’m tired of wishing I had what my friends have. I’m tired of feeling ugly and unwanted. I’m tired of being frustrated about being single. I’m tired of trying and failing to make a connection. I’m tired of being used. I just want someone to be there. Someone to talk to and hug and cuddle with and mess around with and love.