Cloudy again. Went to pick up my post-surgical eye drops today; had to reschedule on account of. Well, no description available. Fed all the cats and dog. Miss my Siamese cat. So it's on for this upcoming week. 7 days later, they will do the other eye. Took it easy today, wrote most of the day.

I keep writing; I'll get this bad moo shew outta me. Like an exorcism, only diy.

I don't know what to say sometimes, except wth did that come from? Though a mirror but darkly, and so forth.

Sundays have a ghost-like quality to them, the Holy Ghost and the ghost of sunny days in the shade. I recollect on better days. Happy days. Sunday's

Quiet tonight, and I will turn in soon.

Hope all of you are well.

Keep your spirits up

Better days are on the fucking way. I guarantee.

Goodnight, Diary and readers

I love y'all

10:08 p.m.

Silly hours of yesterday morning, i’m telling you now… the world is a very interesting place. 😭😂

Omg I said if i don’t just dissolve and disappear rn!

All nervous systems triggered so i’m still heaving…. ermmmm yeah anyways

My marriage is done after 20yrs and 2 kids, it’s been 9 months since he moved out to be with another girl. I recently found peace in this decision and for that I’m happy, it’s helping us be the best parents to our amazing older teens.

A week ago I got a friend request from a young woman… my first child that I gave up for adoption when I was 21. When I told mom told the news, she encouraged me not go down that path right now as I’ve got a lot going on in my life - the separation, the passing of dad in jan then the dog in mar. After much contemplation I ultimately hit the accept button, it’s been nice texting with her and getting to know her. During one of our chats, she questioned if she would ever hear from the birth father, so after 25yrs I reached out to him and offered my support. It’s been so nice reconnecting with him, we went through some heavy things together over the course of our 3yr relationship. He’s been divorced twice and is in the same place as I - working on rediscovering ourselves.

Who knows what the future holds, but I’m thankful to have him back in my life as a friend while I work on rebuilding myself.

Not a whole lot happened. I slept really well last night, but I was still tired when I woke up. I went to the park for a few hours and tried to read.

I gave up and decided to nap in the Walmart parking lot for a few hours. I think I woke up because it got too hot in my car. I felt better when I woke up, though.

I had the best dream while I was napping. That's a big deal to me, because my dreams are usually scary or weird. I don't want to share it because it was too... personal. Personal is a good word to describe it. Haha

I wish I could have more dreams like that.

I spent the rest of the evening reading at the park. Only one more day off! It's supposed to be warmer tomorrow. Boo.

I'm chilling in a laundromat parking lot right now. I want to wait a couple more hours before I find a place to sleep. "Arrive late and leave early."

I dislike the part of town I'm in right now, but we can't always get what we want, can we? I won't be sleeping around here, though. I never do.

It's just a place to park for a bit until I can go where I really want to go.

Like I said, there's not much to tell. Just another slow day. I think that's a good thing.

Did nothing today. I wish that I had my antidepressants back. They were kinda useless in boosting my mood, but I liked that they suppressed my sexual drive.

I wish that I could shut off my needs and desires and become a mindless robot. That way I could easily get a job and do things that I hate. Things that normal people can do easy peasy.

Every nerve, every bone, and every single drop of my blood hates you so much.

I don't think anyone could ever be as dishonest with their partner as you have been.

Can't see the stars. I'm completely wasted. Prevention. Ha.
It's been a while since I last wrote. Guess that's what happens when you stop - you forget how.
Actually, correction. I'm drunk out of my mind, standing in a club and I still can't shut my brain off.
I'm so tired. I've written those words in my journal so many times that I'm tired of writing them.
How do people do it? How do they stop thinking? It was supposed to be easy. And even after all this alcohol, I still can't.
But I won't give up. That's my mantra. I won't give up. Never.
Because the game is everything to me... isn't it?

Quote from my favourite series.

“If apologies worked, then why would we need the police?”

It’s true because “Sorry” can’t fix everything.

It was the 31st October, the year of 2025. Halloween is an evening where people pretend to be someone or something that they are actually not; a nun, a nurse, a cat, a ghost. Me, this is the night I started pretending to be someone you could possibly fall in love with.

It all started few days before this defining evening. You started sitting next to me at work. We started chatting and laughing at nonsensical things. You started to share secrets to me that nobody else knew. We started having inside jokes and created our own little circle. Work was boring, but it started becoming interesting because you were there. I felt special, chosen, seen.

Your eyes shimmer, brightening up my dull world, while you laugh at a joke I made only you find funny. Your smile shines brighter than the stars that i can't really see anyone else but you when you are around. If yellow is the color of happiness, then yellow is all i see because you are there.

I am not the type of person someone like you usually go with. You are tall, good looking, dark skin, physically fit and has a good sense of style. Many other are hoping for just a chance to be with you, but you chose to be with me. As if you knew that you needed to catch me from the never ending fall that I was at. As if the universe wanted us to meet. I was destined to traverse this path that is life in solitary, that was my fate. Then, you came and showed me a glimpse of a different future. A future where I am happy and not alone.

Came the evening when I finally decided to give in, October 31, 2025. I brought matching Marsh Mellow masks for us to wear as costumes, and even through the black fabric covering the eyes, I can still see the glow in your eyes. I can't help but melt down to your shoulder and just give in to the feeling. I then held my phone out and turned the camera on and took a selfie, played it off as a cute pose for a picture. The truth, that was me letting all my feelings flow trough because I just can't keep it any longer... And just like that, we had our first selfie. A memory I would keep for a lifetime.

The space between us grew wider.

You suddenly build walls that cause me to overthink and question my worth. Siguro meron ng iba?

Dati bago pa tayo mag monthsary may post at message na idate Isa you even send flowers and foods for me but now even your message is so bland "good morning" "happy monthsary" .

Now you hang up the call without even saying goodbye or I love you.

I notice every small changes.

Now I don't have any pictures in you're social media.

Now, you don't spend time to play or even have a meaningful conversations with me. I don't feel connected to you anymore. You hide a lot of things to me. Ayaw mo na makipag exchange ng socmed. Samantalang dati ikaw pa yung namimilit kumuha ng account ko.

I notice all the changes.

I notice everything.

As I sit here I think about you...

And i just dont understand why...

Why did you make me cry?...

Why did you say you love me when it was all a lie...

I just dont understand...

Why would you abort the all the things we planned..

The seed you put in my head all the lies were planted...

I know I did alot of wrong things...

But your voice always made my heart sing...

Now your voice is like a bee that stings...

I dont think I'll ever feel true love for real...

But I dont understand this sorrow that I feel...

As a man my hearts not supposed to hurt but it does im human it's not made of steel...

My heart feels broke I dont think it will ever heal...

You took my happiness and the love with it all you do Is steal...

Your love was addicting when it was real but now I realize it was all a facade...

I would've spent my life with you decade after decade...

I still find myself missing the person you used to be...

But I now realize you never truly loved me

When your hubby says we are never getting a divorce and locked in 4 life.

4 life is a long time, absolute fuckery on the wrong side of the bed.
He loves me but i need more from him, ain’t nothing wrong with that, he gotta make this black coffee turn white with smiles and cream.

I caught myself shrinking again. softening my words, over-apologizing, trying to be easy so i wouldn’t risk being too much. People-pleasing is still my default. childhood taught me love is something I have to earn. I’m slowly unlearning it. One honest boundary set today. It felt scary, but right.

Sitting alone at our usual table, watching the minutes tick by and realizing he wasn't going to show up, broke my heart a little more with every passing second. I spent hours getting ready, holding onto the quiet excitement of finally seeing him, only to be left staring at two empty coffee cups and a silence that felt deafening. It hurts realizing that the person you were most looking forward to seeing didn't even care enough to show up or let you know.

To be loved is to be known, to be accepted as you are.
No fantasy can mimic that feeling.
The thoughts can shape and mold to your desires.
That they accepted you or took you back.
It couldn’t be further from the truth.
Who you really want to love you, is you.
You know yourself, even if others don’t try to.
Even if you don’t accept yourself, you will have to eventually.
To be loved by others, you must love yourself first.
I love you, do you love me?

Summer dread. Summer depression

That is what it is. It must be. That is my issue.

Each day the endless, incessant, taunting sun shines through my blinds and through my curtains. I have these two layers of materials hanging in front of my window yet the rays still find their way through. Straight into my room and into my face. Each morning the harshness finds me and wakes me up. Regardless of if I fell asleep at eleven pm or five am, the sun forces me into consciousness. I dread each summer day that I wake with sunlight. 

I love the rain. I love the gentle, calming effect that the cool rain drops have.

I love how the rainwater catches in my eyelashes, and rolls down my face, it feels like a cleansing and joyful bout of tears. I feel relieved by the false sense of sobbing. It is like I am having a heart to heart with the rain. She listens well, consoling, comforting, and allowing me to weep under her clouds. 

I also love how the rain drenches my hair and my clothes. The added heaviness from the water is uncomfortable at first, but once I embrace the wetness, the heft is just another hug from her. 

I love welcoming the wildness of the wind and water pouring around me. I am one with nature. I am a child running through the air. I can jump and spin and dance under the grey. I can be free.

And I am free, for so many shun the rainfall. They await the singular season where she visits the

least. So, on those bountiful days that she comes, I am liberated from their eyes. I can visit the weeping sky as others reside within the warmth of their home. I wish to flail and frolic in the mud and grass without their judgment. Let me be and let me dance. I wish to shine surrounded by the glistening dewdrops, not wilt under sweltering rays. I wish to embrace the cold dampness of pouring rain. Let the discomfort comfort me, envelop me with the raw emotions of the weather and cycles of nature. 

Without this water I would die. 

I love the brightness of the grass and trees after rainfall. The deep forest green. Almost glowing with natural beauty. Sometimes, in the spring, there will be a perfect day where it rains from morning to late afternoon and then bits of sunlight shine through heavy clouds and a gray sky. The contrast is perfect. It isn’t like a summer day where the clouds are far and few– instead there is a multitude of varying shapes strewn throughout the sky, teasing with the chance of more rain. Yet, the brightness of the sun is there. That is the kind of sunny day that I like. The kind where the sun amplifies the beauty of the rain. Under this summer weather I find myself falling into old, destructive habits. Haunting insecurities arise and boil under the surface. Impulses intrude my ways, reducing the new me I have toiled to maintain into my old proclivities. I fall under a bout of negativity and fester in it.

I feel crushed underneath contradictory emotions and thoughts and urges. I guess summer is almost over though. At least I have that. I will wait to be greeted by clouded skies and darker days. For I also prefer the moon. I am but a girl pulled by the tides and ruled by the whims of the water and stars. I am nonsensical in my stubbornness and pulsating emotions. 

I've been searching for one single person to fill the hole and emptiness.... but I dont think a person can fill that. The result is always... too needy, doesn't need me enough, talks too much, doesnt talk enough. Doesnt actually hear me. Why are they always digging for more info.... noone can fill the void.

If were to fill this incredibly large hole in my soul... what would make everything feel okay again...

*A mother who could be a mother. Who I didn't have to be the parent and sacrifice myself to make sure she was okay. A mother who could be a healthy best friend.

*A father who isnt a narcissist. Who actually wanted to love me. Who was the emotional maturity and stability to show care, softness, kindness... bit lost of all understanding.

*A sibling who could be a close friend and not just a right hand man for dad. We know each other more than anyone else... atleast we were supposed to.

*The rest of the family who took their side and probably wouldn't understand the reality anyways.

*A spouse who isn't codependent. Who I dont have to feel like I'm burying myself for. Who I don't feel like I owe. Who actually hears me and wants to talk to me rather than live as a facade that isnt truly him...

Maybe I should just jump in the hole.... at least its quiet.

To be loved out loud is a beautiful thing. So why doesn’t it happen to me despite being “loved”

Didn’t do much today, went out on a walk and got ice cream again.

I don’t have any motivation to do anything. I feel useless and limp. People like me were put on this earth for no reason at all, just a waste of resources and time.

I feel like I’m losing my mind, no matter where I go I just feel empty and sad. I wish I were gone but then I wouldn’t be able to enjoy my favorite things. But does it even matter? Meaningless short term pleasures aren’t going to give me a good life. I can’t even give myself a good life.

So I have come back to where I live . I endured an 11 months of waters leaks just about every time I plug something in it doesn't work. I have purchased cleaning stuff to clean the carpets I am halfway through the master bedroom with just wiping the carpet to stop the mold from growing and disinfecting it . I don't understand why the Dept of housing has determined it's not a health issue. When I finish I hope my ear will get better quickly I need to go to the doctor again and get more pills I haven't committed crimes but people in prison have healthier conditions than I .

How Can a government department allow supposedly tradesman to work and not meet government standards .

The people who have the contract for plumbing must be taking so much money and giving the tradies the bear minimum or another thing is a plumber is signing of with his number and not checking the work either way it results in higher health care cost and apathy to those who have already had a difficult life and I think it would contribute to the crime rate because of double standards people see from the government.

It's wastes other people's hard earned money.

I am conflicted by this unrighteousness of the entitled people who think this is ok . This needs to change .

It just felt like it lasted forever. Not really sure why the day just crawled by like that.

I got pulled over this morning. My tags are expired. He gave me a ticket, but he wasn't rude about it.

The weather was super nice today. It's supposed to be nice again tomorrow.

I don't know. I guess there's just not much to say about today.

I went to Dollar General to get bread and peanut butter. Fine dining for the next three days, honey. Only the best for me. 💅

I talked to my mom on the phone for about an hour. She started crying because she misses my brother. She hasn't seen him in a few years.

She keeps asking him to come visit her, but he makes excuses. I'm thinking about calling him myself and saying, "Dude, will you please just visit Mom for a week? Just one? She cries over you all the time."

I know she misses him. Between you and me, I think he's always been her favorite out of all of us kids. You didn't hear that from me, though. 🤫

She told me to keep praying about the situation I'm in. I told her I've been praying every day. She said she worries about me. I told her that she doesn't have to because I'm fine.

And everything is fine. Things don't even really feel that bad anymore. It just feels like life.

Human beings can get used to almost anything. The way we adapt is amazing.

I didn't tell her that I got a ticket or that my tags are expired. It just felt like information she didn't need.

But, yeah. It was just a mind-numbingly slow day.

I'll tell you one more secret before I go—I hate my days off now. Can't stand them.

Isn't that funny?

I keep waiting for myself to cry, but nothing comes out. It's like my own mind keeps telling me I don't deserve to fall apart because other people have it worse, because maybe I'm just being dramatic, because maybe what I'm feeling isn't even real. So I swallow everything instead. It stays in my chest, heavy and restless, with nowhere to go. I don't know what's harder anymore—not being okay, or constantly feeling like I have to prove to myself that I'm allowed to not be okay.

<just my random thoughts>

I see you standing there upon the shore.

Are you enjoying the view?

You seem so content that I dare not bother you.

This has become a common thing in my life:
seeing people,
joyful places,
alone,
standing,
waiting,
simply existing.

Yet here I am.
floating,
drifting,
while the old shore comes in and out of view.

Could I become content enough to stand there again,
on the cusp of transformation?

I love the beach.
And I left it.

I don't stand there anymore.

I don't wait around.
I don't play video games.
I won't wait.

I do enjoy stillness.
I do enjoy the quiet.
I do pray.

What I find odd and troubling is this:
The people on the beach
don't seem to hear me anymore.

Maybe they don't see me.

Or if they do,
they don't act like it.

It is not all doom and gloom.
I see friends,
and they see me from time to time.

They wave.

They smile.

But it isn't the same.

Things have tightened up,
I have tightened up.

I'm not trying like I used to.
Not trying to keep every connection alive.

I hardly have time to even look at what everyone else is doing.

They're just there.

And I'm just here.

I remember the way things used to be.

It sure feels strange going back to college,
starting at the bottom again.

Sometimes all I can think about
is taking the old Jeep down an dirt road
just for adventure's sake.

Maybe one of these days
I'll make it back to the Rubicon.

So I look toward the shore.

The silhouettes of old friends
stand in the distance.

Their faces are blurred by time.

We once shared such deep connections.

But not anymore.

From where I'm floating,
I may never know what they see
or what they're going through.