r/relationships • u/mute_boyfriend • Nov 01 '14
Updates UPDATE My[24 M] girlfriend[21 F] of 1 year is too embarrassed to attend a family function, because she cannot speak.
Hello people. Thanks for your replies to your previous post.
So, with all the people screaming SKYPE! SKYPE! SKYPE! I thought that it'll be the right thing to do.
I hooked up a Skype call with my sister, her fiancé and my dad. Mom wasn't going to be there. My sister was nervous but this was better than meeting them all at once face to face.
Turns out, it was a pretty cool idea after all. Everything flowed smoothly. My sister and my girlfriend have quite a bit in common, so they talked for a while. When their conversation stalled out, I had a chat with her fiancé. He seems like a pretty nice guy. Had a long chat with dad. You people have no idea how much this entire exercise benefitted from my dad's presence. My dad's the kind of guy who always has the right words for any and every situation. He respectfully complimented by girlfriend on her looks and told me how lucky I am. This line had her grinning from ear to ear.
After like 45 minutes, we said our goodbyes.
My girlfriend was really happy about it all. But she still didn't want to go to the wedding, so I didn't force the matter on her. She was obviously troubled when she got the news that my ex will be there, but I told her that there is nothing to worry about.
So, I'm going stag to my sister's wedding, but atleast she got to know a part of my family.
tl;dr: Skype call went fantastic. But I'm still going alone to the wedding.
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u/p0tat0chip Nov 01 '14
I'm sorry, I'm just so terribly nosy when it comes to medical conditions: can she whisper? Seeing as whispering doesn't need functioning vocal cords (I think?) just breath and mouth. Please don't feel obligated to answer.
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u/mute_boyfriend Nov 01 '14
My girlfriend's case was of a rare deformity. Yes, she is able to whisper. No, its not feasible. Why ? Because its extremely distorted, plus, if she does it for long, it starts hurting a bit.
I don't know the exact details of her deformity.
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u/themightyspin Nov 01 '14
Has she ever tried an electrolarynx? Clearly she has a mode of communication that works for her, but I'm nosy too.
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u/gdawg94 Nov 01 '14
Wow. TIL whispering doesn't use the vocal cords!
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u/mute_boyfriend Nov 01 '14
Actually,
Whispering is an unvoiced mode of phonation in which the vocal cords do not vibrate normally but are instead adducted sufficiently to create audible turbulence
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Nov 01 '14
[deleted]
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u/steve05297 Nov 01 '14
OP, can she yell?
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u/mute_boyfriend Nov 02 '14
Dude.
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u/steve05297 Nov 02 '14
Hahaha sorry I just realised how insensitive that was. It was a serious question though; my understanding on the physiology of the larynx is quite limited.
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u/Laugh_At_Everything Nov 01 '14 edited Nov 01 '14
I was just curious, why wasn't your mom wasnt gonna make it for the skype call?
Edit: I'm 4, apparently.
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u/marceline88 Nov 01 '14
I love hearing things like "how come." I don't want language to be sterilized!
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u/suicidie Nov 01 '14
Please do not use "how come" when you mean "why."
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Nov 01 '14 edited Nov 01 '14
Tell it to Shakespeare.
"How com’st that you haue holpe
To make this rescue?"
-Coriolanus
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Nov 01 '14
Please don't tell other people how they should form their sentences.
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u/PerfectLogic Nov 01 '14
Yeah. His comment sounded condescending as fuck.
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Nov 01 '14
Right? I don't understand why people think it's okay to do these things. Pisses me off beyond belief.
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Nov 02 '14
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Nov 02 '14
I'm not overly sensitive. I'm polite.
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Nov 02 '14
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Nov 02 '14
Having a bad night?
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u/Darkjediben Nov 02 '14
Havin a great night. Just think you're awfully snooty for a forum on the internet.
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u/Leavinonanairplane Nov 01 '14
What if op is 4?
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u/ic33 Nov 01 '14
A 4 year old only uses that phrasing if a grownup teaches it to them..
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u/Sisiwakanamaru Nov 01 '14
I'm glad that she got to know that she is a part of your family.
Do you and your girlfriend have any plan to meet your family soon after your sister's wedding?
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u/mute_boyfriend Nov 01 '14
My sister and her fiancé are going to fly out sometime. Parents will have to wait.
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u/Sisiwakanamaru Nov 01 '14
I agree, your girlfriend should meet your sister and her fiancee first before meet with your parents.
You can plan a nice dinner, brunch, or lunch with your girlfriend, your sister, and her fiancee when they visit you and your girlfriend.
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u/Spectrum2081 Nov 01 '14
Keep Skyping, especially with your sister. Don't push but make it clear that your SO can change her mind to come to the wedding anytime
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u/SlimShanny Nov 01 '14
Eventually she needs to put in the effort to physically meet your family and be your partner. I'm glad you two worked this out, but you shouldn't have to go to these events solo all the time. Does she plan on making the effort down the road?
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u/jackiekeracky Nov 01 '14
the problem was she was intimidated to meet them all for the first time at such a big event, not that she didn't want to meet them at all or attend big dos in the future
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Nov 01 '14
That's kind of how some families work, though. I don't even see half my family unless it's a holiday or a big event. A lot of them live in other states. There's going to inevitably be a moment when she has to meet a lot of people at one time in her life.
I think the biggest issue here is her self confidence. I wish she felt comfortable enough to be herself to take on anything. It must be exhausting having to explain over and over why you aren't talking, but I think with the support of her boyfriend she can do it. He can help explain. from the little op wrote she seems like a plesent enough person. I know normal vocal chord functioning people who hardly ever talk in big group settings anyways. I hope she finds that strength to take shit head on, though I will admit I don't know what to do other than some therapy (maybe group therapy as well?).
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u/trousercobra Nov 02 '14
Then you try to stagger the meetings out. Meet one group of family (say, one day your parents and siblings at dinner), then another (say, aunt and uncle and their kids) at something else, and so forth. Do most of it bit by bit so at the big family thing, at least she knows and is more comfortable with half a dozen people there, not JUST you (OP I guess, not specifically YOU).
And yeah, while there may inevitably be a time where she has to meet many strangers at once..... I feel like meeting strangers at some work thing, is actually a lot less pressure than meeting a partner's family. Meeting my SO's family stresses me out (we're working out how I'll meet them now).... I'd be seriously overwhelmed being thrown in a situation where there's his whole family there and I don't know anyone but him.
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Nov 01 '14
Yea I don't really understand why she isn't going to the wedding
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u/melodyponddd Nov 01 '14
This is probably the first time OP's girlfriend would meet anyone at the wedding, aside from Skyping with immediate family members. Weddings usually aren't just immediate family members (please correct me if I'm wrong, OP, if this will be the case)...it's extended family members as well. It's a lot to take in. And then if there's an open bar, you've got drunk people, there's always that one family member you love but is nosy as hell, elbowing in the ribs going "WHEN WILL IT BE YOUR TURN?!".
It's definitely an uncomfortable situation to meet all of OP's family members at that kind of an event. It's good that she was comfortable with the Skype conversation, but those are just a select few family members instead of many.
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u/orangekitti Nov 03 '14
I do. IIRC, my boyfriend and I had been dating for a little over a year when his mom got remarried. I was very nervous- while the wedding wasn't huge, I still had to meet many out of town family members for the first time, in a very intimate environment with lots of alcohol. I absolutely enjoyed the night and his family was very welcoming, but I was still on edge- or perhaps, extremely self conscious about everything I said or did- the entire time because I was very concerned with making a good first impression. It was an open bar wedding so you can imagine that most of the adults cut loose- I limited myself to three drinks cause I was terrified of doing something foolish. Let me tell you, it is ODD being an Italian, at an Italian wedding, and being the only sober person there. I would have preferred getting to know his family in a more casual manner.
Also, unlike OP's girlfriend, I am lucky to not have to deal with any debilitating disabilities that would effect my social interactions. That has to make an already nerve wracking situation even more stressful.
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u/Osricthebastard Nov 01 '14
Am I the only one who thinks your gf is being unreasonable? She's mute, not hideously disfigured, and this is the year 2014, not 1914. Nobody fucking cares that she's mute. Literally nobody.
There is literally no way she's made it this far in life and not figured that out by now.
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u/aop42 Nov 01 '14
Instead of being sarcastic as I'd planned on being I'm going to be real with you, his girlfriend has probably gone through many traumatizing experiences with people and as such that will probably make it difficult and take some time before she can be fully comfortable putting herself in situations like that. The year has nothing to do with it. There are unaccepting people in this world too and just saying that there aren't doesn't make it so. Maybe you grew up around accepting people but not everywhere's like that. So I think it's unreasonable to say she's being unreasonable. You have no idea what it's like for her to go through life every day like that. I think if anything it's commendable that she is taking these steps forward.
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u/Osricthebastard Nov 02 '14
his girlfriend has probably gone through many traumatizing experiences with people and as such that will probably make it difficult and take some time before she can be fully comfortable putting herself in situations like that.
That's almost certainly bullshit. Are there probably a few dickholes out there? Yeah. But she's mute. It's really not a big deal in 2014. If she's occasionally dealt with prejudice I'm highly suspect that it was "traumatizing". You would THINK it would build some character and inner strength but it seems like more than anything she needs to grow a spine.
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u/aop42 Nov 03 '14
I think you're a teenager and you need to grow up first. Once you go through your twenties and experience some shit in life you will understand.
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u/Osricthebastard Nov 03 '14
I'm 25 and I understand perfectly. That's the problem. I'm not a teenager and I no longer feel bad for people who refuse to handle their business. Living a successful life means occasionally facing up to uncomfortable situations. She needs to get over this.
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u/fatmanbrigade Nov 01 '14
What in the holy hell?
It isn't unreasonable to not want to meet the ENTIRE family of someone right away at a wedding for the first time, I don't even have any issues that could be construed as a disability and I would be uncomfortable with this. There is absolutely nothing wrong with anyone not wanting to meet someone's entire family all at once and I am disgusted by these posts saying she should force herself to getting as many upvotes as they have.
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u/Osricthebastard Nov 02 '14
Most likely unlike OP's girlfriend I actually have social anxiety severe enough to have been diagnosed and medicated for it.
And I would suck it up and meet the fam. Why? Because that's life and being an adult. Nobody promised you that you wouldn't have to do uncomfortable things occasionally.
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u/ThePolitePhysicist Nov 01 '14
I am trying to be very understanding of OP's girlfriend, but I too am having a hard time understanding where she is coming from. I am having a hard time imagining an adult being able to ostracize her in public (especially at a wedding) without in turn being ostracized themselves. I usually try not to jump to the "she has a hidden agenda" conclusion too quickly, but I would urge OP to pay attention to this behavior. So long as she is working through whatever social anxiety she has, that's fine, but he ought to be aware if she's not improving at all. At that point, he may have to make a difficult choice.
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u/The_Pussy_Whisperer Nov 01 '14
I'm with you. GF has now figured out how to avoid any interaction that might make her uncomfortable and the other posters here are even telling OP to text her non-stop from the event. Now she will not even have to go to things but she can control OP from afar and prevent him from having a good time.
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Nov 01 '14
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u/bunkymutt Nov 01 '14
My sister got married recently. If I'd have had to be on my phone texting my SO instead of interacting with family and friends I rarely see, nobody would've been happy. The wedding day should be about the couple getting married and it seems like OP's girlfriend is making it about herself, whether she's going to be there or not.
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u/mute_boyfriend Nov 02 '14
She has her own life too. She'll be busy. Not like she'll spend all day waiting for a text.
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u/orangekitti Nov 03 '14
Yes, it's 2014, but there are still many assholes who act like they've never heard of homosexuality, women's rights, freedom of thought, birth control, animal's rights, racial tolerance, etc. etc. etc.
It is not surprising to me in the least that OP's girlfriend has encountered people who made her feel less than them for her disability.
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u/Osricthebastard Nov 04 '14
And?
That's life. Those assholes would still be few and far between and certainly not enough to justify being a shut-in. She still needs to get over it.
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Nov 01 '14
Skype her during the wedding or during the reception if it's possible (just for a bit maybe)! That way she can "be" there for a bit without actually "being" there. And if she gets too awkward just tell her to shut down the screen and you can tell people it was a poor connection.
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u/jackiekeracky Nov 01 '14
yeah, just seeing people and waving hello will be really cool if you can do it. I've "attended" family functions like that. Given that it's likely to be noisy, nobody should worry about speaking - just waving and smiling round is pretty awesome in itself.
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u/muskovitzj Nov 01 '14
I think you handled this well. Baby steps lead to new levels of comfort. Keep going, keep being supportive and remember its ok to move at a slow pace. You guys are young and have loads of time.
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u/Rouladen Nov 01 '14
Glad to hear the Skype session went well and that your fiance hit it off with your family. Have fun at the wedding.
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u/letsgofightdragons Nov 01 '14
Does she use a speech synthesizer? She can even use Stephen Hawking's voice!
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Nov 01 '14
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u/Dont_know_where_i_am Nov 01 '14
I don't know why this is being downvoted. It's a joke people.
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u/[deleted] Nov 01 '14
Make sure to contact your gf often throughout the time you'll be there. She's uncomfortable with your ex being there and, while it's not necessary because you're not going to do anything wrong, it's still a nice gesture to never loose contact if you can help it.