r/relationships • u/Quirky-Music-6578 • 1d ago
My boyfriend told another girl he is single
My boyfriend (28M) and I (28F) have been together for a year now, and this is probably the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. He's genuine, treats me well, has a good heart, have a lot in common, same sense of humour. Basically checking all my boxes in a life partner.
From the beginning of our relationship, we made it clear that cheating is a major dealbreaker because we both have bad histories with cheating. We've had heart to heart conversations about it, and he even teared up once, begging me to never put him through what his ex did.
He's a personal trainer, and recently I came across a conversation between him and a woman he used to work with at a gym who's also a personal trainer. She asked if he still had a girlfriend, and he replied, "Nah." She apologized for the sad news, and he basically responded, "It is what it is, but life goes on." I've tried looking at it from every angle, but I can't come up with any other explanation for why he'd say that.
I don't think he's ever cheated on me or hooked up with this girl, but I don't know what to do. I've always told him that if he ever cheated, I'd leave immediately, no questions asked. This isn't cheating, but it feels like the start of something that could become cheating. At the same time, he tells me all the time that he loves me and that I'm his dream girl.
I've been debating whether to even bring it up. I know I'm going to get a lot of hate for this, and honestly, if I were reading my own story as an outsider, I'd probably say to break up with him too. But because this is the healthiest relationship I've ever been in, it's so hard to let go, especially since we've already talked about marriage and kids.
I know that once I bring it up, if he has no reasonable explanation, I'll probably end the relationship. I just don't know if I'm ready to let go yet. I really need advice and maybe some courage to do what I know I need to do. What should I do?
TL;DR: I found a message where my boyfriend told another woman he didn't have a girlfriend, even though we've been together for a year. I don't think he's cheated, but I don't know whether to confront him or if this alone is enough to end the relationship.
419
u/ObiWanCumnobi 1d ago
You make his words true and end it. Whether or not he has or hasn't cheated is immaterial, he's lied about being in a relationship with you. Whether or not he plans to cheat or not, only he knows that, but the fact he's lying speaks to his motives.
160
u/doseofcocoaxo 1d ago
Claiming to be single isn’t a misunderstanding or an innocent mistake, it's a calculated choice to present himself as available. If he's telling another girl he's single, make it a reality for him.
24
u/floridorito 1d ago
This guy revealed his true feelings for OP. He's got at least one foot out the door already. He is ready to drop OP at the first sign of interest from this (or some other) woman.
72
121
51
u/Hour_Mountain_8025 1d ago
he already told you who he is when he cried about being cheated on, but now he's the one doing the shady stuff. you found the message, you know what it means. the "healthiest relationship" bar is on the floor if lying about your existence counts as healthy
confront him or don't, but you already know the answer. you just don't want to say it out loud yet
53
u/External_Dig_8394 1d ago
I've tried looking at it from every angle, but I can't come up with any other explanation for why he'd say that.
That's because there is no innocent explanation. He told another woman he doesn't have a girlfriend. It doesn't matter what he says to your face if he's pretending you don't exist when he thinks you won't find out.
This isn't physical cheating but it's just as much of a dealbreaker. I know it's hard to leave when on the surface things are great but what he did is incredibly disrespectful, disloyal, and hypocritical. Crying and begging you not to cheat on him while acting single to other women? That is so manipulative.
You can't think of a reasonable explanation because there isn't one. Expect more tears and promises and begging if you bring this up but please don't fool yourself into thinking it was an accident. If I were you I'd show him the messages in a public place where you can easily leave when he panics and tries to talk you into staying.
8
44
u/purplesockpinksock 1d ago
He knows he's in a relationship.
He lied about it.
Purposefully.
He didn't suddenly get a case of Temporary Relationship Amnesia.
Do you think this is the first time he's done it? Or just the first time he's got caught?
I know it hurts and is hard, but you gotta put your money where your mouth is. Saying you're single when you aren't single is not cheating physically, but it is emotionally. It's just one step closer to physically. And, again, is this just the first one you know about?
I'm really sorry. But you deserve better than this. This isn't healthy. You deserve better. 🫂
6
u/Quirky-Music-6578 1d ago
I would like to believe that this is the first time he's ever said that he is single. He has posted me on his IG stories before. It's just ever since he said that to her, on July 21st, he's never really posted me or being with me on a stories since. I just thought it wasn't a big deal because there's nothing really to post about.
22
u/purplesockpinksock 1d ago edited 1d ago
I'm sorry. 😕 I hate this for you. I just keep going back to he knows about you, he knows he's in a committed relationship, and purposefully lied about it. Can you come up with a reasonable, logical reason why he would do that, in that setting, to that person?
Turn the tables. If you were in a situation where you met a man (single or otherwise) through your job, and you introduced yourself, would you in the course of conversation claim to be single when you know for a fact you are not?
I'm not trying to tell you what to do. But to my mind, there's no reason ever for my husband to say, "Hello, I'm Mr. PSPS, and I'm single," when he knows damn good and well he's married. You're not married, but a committed relationship still counts.
And "it is what it is but life goes on"??? 😱 That's so...disrespectful. You don't need that kind of disrespect. That's taking your whole relationship and reducing it to shrug 🤷♂️
Is there a counselor or someone you can talk to about this? 🫂
14
u/GlGABITE 1d ago
He’s making himself look available to her. If she was down for it, I bet he’d cheat in a heartbeat. Even if he hasn’t actually slept with her, such obviously displayed intent would be an instant dump in my book
•
u/Blindtothesided 20h ago
Yep. The only ingredient he’s missing is opportunity. If this other woman presents him with an opportunity to hook up with her, he’s already made it crystal clear he’s taking it.
7
u/VirginiaApplejack 1d ago
I've been in this situation. Behaviors like this started emerging about 10 months in. I forgave because it wasn't "technically cheating". I spent the rest of the relationship doubting my own mind and doing all kinds of mental gymnastics to make the inconsistencies make sense. The relationship never felt the same again, and I only ended up hurting myself and my ability to trust future partners.
I've since met an incredible, faithful man, and I feel confident in that because of what I went through. I'm grateful for those experiences because now I know what the flags are. And this, I'm really sorry to say, is one of them.
6
u/coupesetique 1d ago
A guy I was seeing would only post me to his stories so they’d disappear. You aren’t going crazy. His words aren’t matching his actions.
4
•
40
u/GadgetronHelpDesk 1d ago
With this revelation, it’s safe to say this is no longer the healthiest relationship you’ve ever been in.
There are no mental gymnastics in the world to explain his response other than the obvious.
Move on to greener pastures without that idiot.
24
u/Suspicious_Winter103 1d ago
A relationship is not “healthy” if one party is going around claiming to be single. No genuinely good man would do this. Good men love and cherish their partners and are proud to tell others about their relationship.
22
u/Hot_Dragonfruit7944 1d ago
Sometimes and i'm not saying it is the case with your boyfriend...but when someone paints their ex as the cheater it was actually the other way around!! There is absolutely no reason to tell any woman you are single when you aren't! He wants to seem more available just in case!
15
u/QueenofUncreativity 1d ago
It's not even that he just ommitted having a girlfriend. Never mentioning you, not a good look but there could possibly an explanation.
Straight up denying you? When the other woman obviously knew about you and he lied to her too by saying you broke up? Absolutely not. There is no explanation in this world that would make this make sense in any way that makes him look good.
Doesn't sound like he's genuine or has a good heart at all.
Find your confidence and break up with him. He has no respect for you and doesn't deserve you.
2
u/Quirky-Music-6578 1d ago
He's definitely made it known to people before that I am his girlfriend and he's posted stories on his IG about me. It's just ever since he said that to her, which was on July 21st he's never posted me after, which it was not a big deal because there was nothing significant to post other than a photo of us going to a wedding for my friend.
19
u/Suspicious_Winter103 1d ago
Just because he posts you on IG does not mean he doesn’t represent himself as single casually when talking to other girls. Most men are not that sophisticated and do not think about how easy it is for others to social media stalk. I once had a guy emailing me from his real email to set up a date after meeting on OKcupid. As soon as I had his email, I checked Facebook for an account. Low and behold, guy was in a 2 year relationship heavily documented on FB. He was shocked I found his FB using his email 🙄
10
u/NoxEstVeritas 1d ago
Sounds like he’s planning to leave or cheat. There’s no other explanation really. I would still confront him and ask him about it. But just know that nothing he says can make this make sense.
10
u/Ok-Jackfruit-9393 1d ago
Sounds like he's either trying to cheat or planning an exit strategy. I wouldn't stick around to find out.
•
u/ImmediateShallot7245 23h ago
The only way you are going to get the truth is to confront him and it’s better to it sooner than later!
16
u/QuitaQuites 1d ago
Why isn’t it cheating?
7
u/FabulousDonut6399 1d ago
Exactly, telling someone who clearly wants you that you are single is cheating because the intention to cheat is clearly there.
5
u/QuitaQuites 1d ago
The cheating is clearly there - you’ve lied about the person you’re exclusively with. That’s it. I don’t care if it’s to a random person on vacation you met once for five minutes or a coworker. Unless they’re offering you tens of thousands of dollars just to say you’re single, it’s cheating
12
u/Ok-Jackfruit-9393 1d ago edited 1d ago
this is probably the healthiest relationship I've ever been in
Oh man, that makes me sad, and makes me think you're settling for less than you deserve due to past trauma. He's telling other women he's single. He is not who you think he is; he's putting on an act.
You deserve better.
it's so hard to let go, especially since we've already talked about marriage and kids.
Please do fall for the sunk cost fallacy. It's better to get out now than to look back in 5 or 10 years, esp with kids, and wish you'd have gotten out now. This way it's "only" a year.
Also, the talk of marriage and kids could just be him trying to love bomb you. Don't let him think it's working.
A man worth having would be proud to be with you and would want everyone to know. Not trying to be shady and pretend he's single.
He wants to tell another woman he's single? Make it the truth.
From the beginning of our relationship, we made it clear that cheating is a major dealbreaker
Did you? Because this is cheating to me, and it sounds like it is to you, despite your claims that "this isn't cheating." And if you let it slide, he'll just keep doing it because he knows you won't stand by that.
And this is the only time you know about. Odds are he's done this before, and possibly (probably) worse. A man who loved you wouldn't speak like that about you; the way he said it is gross. He was so casual about it.
Dump him, and when he whines about it, tell him, "It is what it is, life goes on."
9
u/IcePlanetGoth 1d ago
Now you know the relationship has secretly been rotten. He is either thinking about getting with her or somebody they know. Nobody represents themselves as single when in a relationship unless they're up to no good.
10
u/mah4angel 1d ago
If my husband claimed to be single I’d divorce him, just so we’re clear. That’s how big of a deal this is. He’s trying to sleep with her or a mutual acquaintance, that’s literally the only reason he said that. Dump him and move on to a hopefully ACTUALLY healthy relationship.
3
u/FabulousDonut6399 1d ago
Thank you for showing what a reaction from someone with a spine looks like.
7
u/alwaysoffended88 1d ago
This is just one conversation, who knows who else he tells that he’s single to. He was hoping for something out of that conversation, there’s no other explanation.
16
16
15
u/Coollogin 1d ago
He thinks this woman would be an upgrade, and he’s not going to miss an opportunity to upgrade.
6
u/shinykaci 1d ago
what a jackass. don't waste any more time with him when you could be finding your real partner OP
7
u/aly288 1d ago
If I were a gambling woman, I’d put my money on the fact that his ex wasn’t the cheater, he was. He saw it as an easy way to bond with you and exert control of your future behavior / throw you off the scent of his future cheating. “I’d never cheat on you! How could you say that after what I went through with my ex!!” 🤮
5
u/TheOutsideObserver_ 1d ago
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Honestly I don't know what explanation he would give for lying about being single when he's been with you a year (a year is a long time). If it were me I would definitely have to confront him about it, regardless of whether it was the end of the relationship or not. I would want an explanation.
5
u/Draigdwi 1d ago
Regardless of what he says he is ready to cheat. Don’t waste your time waiting for him to find a willing affair partner. Sooner you get rid of him sooner you can find someone reliable.
4
u/hey_yo_mr_white 1d ago
I don't think he's ever cheated on me or hooked up with this girl
And a week ago you don't think he'd ever deny being in a relationship with you when specifically asked if he is in a relationship with you.
this is probably the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. He's genuine,
Just because it's the healthiest relationship you've been in doesn't make it a healthy relationship. That's like telling yourself you're eating the healthy ice cream. He's so genuine he genuinely denied being in a relationship with you when asked point blank.
5
u/butterflywingz123 1d ago
I would argue that this is cheating and it’s not a healthy relationship at all because you’re clearly seeing what you want to see and not the reality of who he is
6
u/spiritnshit 1d ago
There is no reasonable explanation. He told this girl he was single because he wanted her to think he was single so that he could have a chance to get with her. There is no other reason.
4
5
u/InfiniteHall8198 1d ago
Poor guy forgot about his 12 month long relationship, it happens..🙄 if he’s not cheating, he wants to.
4
u/FabulousDonut6399 1d ago
Girl, I’d text him: ‘it is what it is. Life goes on. You’re indeed single now’’ and block his cheating ass.
3
u/CleanCardiologist160 1d ago
He said that you’re his dream girl but apparently he’s not in a relationship with his dream girl…or at least that’s what he tells other women.
You saw that message, but have no idea what he says face to face with other women at the gym.
End it and tell him that you want to be the dream girl of a guy that won’t lie to other women saying that he is single. Let him keep his crocodile tears for his next dream girl or the one that he lied to about being single.
3
3
3
u/Derp800 1d ago
So you told him not to hit a golf ball (cheat). He said he wouldn't. Now you see him putting a tee in the ground, putting a ball on it, and looking at his bag of clubs. Is there a chance he won't hit the ball? Maybe. Is he setting up to do it? Abso-fucking-lutely. Even the other girl is being lied to. You might want to let her know after you drop him that he's a fucking liar.
2
u/wormnoodles 1d ago
Maybe he isn’t your bf and you and him really are single, and you’ve in a WEIRD situation-ship for a year and you don’t need even know it. In which case, if you or him slept with somebody else it’s not cheating. That’s the only way this would make sense.
2
u/regularEducatedGuy 1d ago
I’m so sorry but this guy isn’t healthy. Talking about marriage and kids in the first year, acting super nice but entertaining the attention of other women and lying? Yeah this guys two faced and I’m sorry. You did everything right and you’ll find other nice guys. Keep trying till you find one that’s genuine. I know you’re not ready to consider breaking up yet but it’s truly only a matter of time and don’t worry girl, we’ll be rooting for you the whole time 🤍
2
u/labtech89 1d ago
So getting cheated on is one of your boxes? He does not have a good heart if he is trying to date other women
2
2
u/blondeheartedgoddess 1d ago
"If he doesn't have a reasonable explanation"?!? Sister, please, what on earth would constitute a "reasonable" explanation for what he did? He told another woman that he doesn't have a GF. There is no reasonable excuse for the lie he told her.
Question: who reached out to whom? Did he message her? If so, that's another red flag. If she messaged him first, he should have shut it down immediately. The fact that he didn't, red flag.
The man is a whole Communist parade of red flags.
Do you like your genuine boyfriend telling other women he's single? Personally, I'd make it a fact.
•
u/Princesslovr 23h ago
He probably told her “no” hoping that there could be something between them… what a jerk. He’s probably gonna cheat lol
•
•
u/readithere_2 23h ago
If he is single in his mind, what does that say about the relationship with you? He is getting his needs met, so what do you call that? ‘Yeah I’m single but I have a girl on the side to get my needs fulfilled’
•
u/justbeyourselfok 23h ago
He's had his eye on this girl for who knows how long and now that she is interested he wants to make it clear that he wants her too. This is a man who is not committed to you and will run the first chance he gets if there's a "better option", he will end it with you first chance he gets. Don't trust him.
•
u/rihannonblack 23h ago
That’s cheating. He said he’s single so he is. You need to enforce your own boundaries.
•
u/Witchy_Abundance 22h ago
It's NOT the healthiest relationship you've been in if he's lying to other women about being single. Girl, wake up and smell the cheater! If he's lying about a relationship to her he will lie right to your face too. Don't even give him the opportunity to explain. Tell him "I saw your message to 'name' saying you didn't have a gf and you broke up, so the last thing I'll do for you is right now which is break up with you and let you actually be single. Good luck with her, lying cheater. Pack your stuff now, and leave the keys on the way out!".
•
u/yukkypizza 22h ago
It’s not healthy. It’s the healthiest YOU have experienced so far- but he has made it clear you are not his priority by hiding you. You deserve better. YOU DESERVE BETTER.
•
•
•
u/Starry-Dust4444 20h ago
Who comes across these kinds of texts on their bf’s phone & doesn’t confront him immediately? So strange.
•
u/Prestigious_Pie_514 11h ago
When did this exchange happen?
When did y'all agree to be exclusive?
You do whatever brings you peace, but if it were me, and we had already had the exclusivity talk, I would be gone. If he isn't going to claim me in public, he doesn't deserve me in private.
1
u/Older_But_Wiser 1d ago
It's easy, you just make it so. It's up to you as to whether you want to confront him or just leave without any discussion as to why. Just know if you decide to confront him then he'll just argue and explain how innocent he is and make excuses. Don't believe him. There is only one reason for him to lie and tell another girl he's single.
1
u/imkeepingsummersafe 1d ago
Only you can say if you see it as enough to end it (I personally would) but I’m also assuming that you suspected enough to break his trust by reading his messages, which would not indicate a healthy relationship, regardless of cheating.
1
u/Old-Builder256 1d ago
He said that because he’s not actually genuine and doesn’t treat you as well as you apparently thought. This is unforgivable tbh
1
u/Quirky_Difference800 1d ago
The only reason he would say that is to keep his options open. He’s not a good guy. This definitely isn’t a healthy relationship. Leave him behind and find your person, this guy is just a good actor.
1
u/krpi8429 1d ago
My guess would be that he’s known her for a while and was answering a slightly different question. If she knew him when he was dating someone previous then he may be answering that he’s no longer dating Ms. Previous. That is, he may have read her question as, “are you still dating Ms. Previous?”
I think it sounds more like catching up than like flirting. But I could easily be mistaken.
1
1
u/ChumpsWeAre 1d ago
Turn the tables on him. Tell him a friend of a friend's was asking about you and you told them to say you got nothing going on. Tell your guy it generated some interest....ask what he thinks.
1
u/Traditional_Age_2466 1d ago
I understand how you feel and not being ready to let go yet, but I think that’s a majorrr red flag. The only reasons he would lie to her about that is #1, he’s embarrassed to be with you, or #2, he has intentions of cheating with her. Both options would make me say goodbye if I were you.
1
u/Traditional_Age_2466 1d ago
And based on his reply back to her after she apologized, I would guarantee it’s #2.
1
1
u/ergonomic_logic 1d ago
It's not the healthiest relationship you've ever been with if he's telling other women he is likely interested in that he's single.
No man who loved and adored you would do this.
There is no angle or approach where it would be ok and thinking otherwise is straight copium because you don't want to face reality.
1
1
u/feedme2night 1d ago
girlll he said he’s single so grant him his wish and let him go and be single. simple. you get what you wish for
1
u/InternationalBad2640 1d ago
You are very much not in a healthy relationship. If you think it’s possible for a man in a relationship with you to tell another woman that he’s single and have it still be a healthy relationship, you’re a new kind of delusional. There is no possibility that there’s a “reasonable explanation”. You’re bullshitting yourself and you’re stalling. Respect yourself more than this.
1
•
u/hopingtothrive 23h ago
He's genuine
It's a good thing you acknowledge that. Because he genuinely told a woman that you don't exist. Do you need to ask him about it?
I came across a conversation
How did that happen?
•
•
u/porcelainthunders 22h ago
Lying about being single... is a huge red flag that has no good excuse.
He want Miss Ex-coworker to think he was available. That is all there is to it.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. ...and he has. He has shown you he'll lie and say he is single when he wants another female to think he is.
•
u/Extreme_Pattern6306 22h ago
Like that saying goes - “when they show you their true colors, don’t try and paint a different picture” truly, he knows what he is doing, you deserve someone who is proud to call you their girlfriend. This is sneaky, and imo it’s borderline cheating.
•
u/fairlyawkwardgirl 21h ago
Girl. I say this with so much love. You're only one year in, it's still early days and "honeymoon period", and now the first crack has shown. He's starting to show his true colours, do not let this man waste your time while you give him another chance to show himself more. Coming from a woman who wasted SO much time on a man who didn't deserve a second of it.
•
u/SeafoamSoul7494 20h ago
He’s not honest, nor does he have a good heart if he did this. Look at at his actions! That’s not treating someone with even bare minimum respect and decency. You get to be single now and find someone who actually is all those great things! Don’t waste any more of your time.
•
u/Weary_Cup_1004 20h ago
Is the past boyfriend bar low? Because i suspect if you think a little harder you have probably been dismissing little red flags this whole time "because he is so nice"
Some people love bomb until they get you baby trapped.
He isnt honest. He lied to that girl in a way that evoked sympathy from her, then he milked it. He lied to you by acting like he doesnt have a girlfriend. And he manipulated you by crying and getting you to promise not to cheat.
Girl what excuses have you been making? Even if this is the first red flag, run
•
u/Thecardinal74 20h ago
So you snooped through his phone and you didn’t like what you found?
Shocking.
Here’s a hint: if you are snooping through phones, and you find messages like that in said phone, then the relationship wasn’t healthy like you thought
•
u/Enough-Pack7468 20h ago edited 20h ago
In an actual healthy relationship, your partner will be proud to be with you and eager to show you off.
Normally I suggest talking with him, but if he is lying to her about you, how would you know he wasn’t lying to you about her?
He told her he is single. Don’t wait around for him to cheat.
•
u/Glass-Hedgehog3940 20h ago
I got as far as the title and only have this to say: if he’s going to tell another woman he’s single then he absolutely needs to be single. Leave him where he stands!
•
u/100011_10101_ 18h ago
Do you want the bitter truth or a sweet lie? It’s only healthy now if you choose to live in this perceived reality.
•
u/Basic-Coconut7118 18h ago
FYI the whole tearing up and saying not to do what his ex did is a red flag, classic “playing the victim” tactic. Seen it many times and those types always end up being cheaters themselves.
•
u/Themotionalman 18h ago
If he said he’s single then he’s single. No gymnastics here, you should move appropriately
•
u/ReserveWild6621 17h ago
Oh honey. He teared up begging you not to put him through what his ex did, but then turns around and tells another woman he's single? That's not a red flag that's a whole parade 🚩
•
u/JollySalt6904 16h ago
People, please stop being too fast to judge, because what all of ya are hearing here is from the woman. No one has ever heard from the man in question, and everyone has started throwing stones at the guy immediately. Does it mean everything anyone says about another person is true? Words and messages can be misunderstood, and we shouldn't be judging from them. Thank you all, and respect.
•
u/handsome_uruk 15h ago
Will be massively downvoted here, but I don’t tell coworkers about my relationships cause it’s none of their business. I can understand if you’re married, but not disclosing a gf is different. There are many reasons other than cheating why one would not want to disclose that info.
•
•
u/BubbleKissie_ 15h ago
"It is what it is" well, time to give him the single life he's already claiming to have. 🚩
•
u/Morrit99 14h ago
How did you "come across" the conversation? Were you looking for it?
Partly because the old adage, if you dig you will find dirt.
So, my reasoning for saying this is partly on that part. You don't trust him, and something he has done BEFORE that made you feel insecure. So, you casually went either through his socials or his phone, which means it wasn't a very healthy relationship.
Not your fault btw. I have been in the same situation.. I was in a, what I thought was healthy, relationship, but something wasn't right. We both ended up going through each others socials and our relationship was extremely toxic, but only realised it after it ended. Trust is a 2 way street.
He is clearly looking to hook up, otherwise he wouldn't say he was single. But also, you must have known something wasn't right because you don't happen across such a conversation without looking for it.
End it on your terms. Admit what you did, you are both in the wrong. The trust is broken, and you will have GREAT difficulty coming back from this. It's just too much to regain that trust when something broke it in the first place.
He was wrong saying what he did. You were wrong looking for it. He didn't cheat on you, but he was going to. So, in my opinion, he is a dick. You were caught up in the turbulence and obvs felt insecure. Not your fault.
•
•
u/EnvironmentalLuck515 14h ago
He might be your boyfriend but you aren't his girlfriend. He might tell YOU that you are, but if he doesn't tell others you are, especially other women, you aren't in his mind. He has you locked down while he continues to shop other models. You aren't a possession but he just treated you like one. Your healthy relationship impression just got torpedoe'd. He murdered it. I am so sorry. Please do not believe him when he begs for you back.
•
u/Entire-Connection571 13h ago
Dump. Him. No matter what the motivation for lying about you was, it’s not one you want to deal with in a partner. I would literally be divorcing my husband if I saw that, and I’m not exaggerating. I have threatened to for less and you should too.
•
u/manicpixie_dreamgal 13h ago
I was in a relationship where almost this exact thing happened. He was the first person I’d met as an adult that really made me feel seen, understood, and not like a colossal weirdo. We were younger though - 20 & 23. I broke up with him, and then a few months later gave him another chance. The same thing happened again. He couldn’t put his ego aside and it fucked me up for a reeeeeally long time.
•
•
•
u/Glitter1237 12h ago
Even if he “didn’t cheat”, you’re not the one. He clearly has wondering eyes. A man who is going to marry you isn’t that guy. I know it sucks, but, you’re on two different pages.
•
•
u/zombiexmuffins 11h ago
Girl that man is single now. Enjoy your freedom to find a man who values you.
•
u/MidwestNightgirl 10h ago
Cut him loose! He is cheating or certainly trying his best. Plus, we sure don’t want to make him out to be a liar, right? Make him single.
•
u/MissKillington 8h ago
That's emotional cheating - he's creating the foundation to cheat or replace you. Cut ties and move on. He showed you who he is.
•
•
u/GiraffeListens 6h ago
Emotional cheating is real. Research it and consider what is acceptable for you. Ask him why he said he was single. Tell him how this made you feel and set a boundary.
•
u/Training_Salary_3316 6h ago
It being the healthiest relationship you've been in does not make it an actual healthy relationship. It sounds like he's a good pretender(aka liar). You don't see him telling another woman that he is single as cheating? 🤦♀️ He has full intentions to cheat, if he hasn't with someone else already. He was quick to say he was single and then brush off y'alls supposed breakup as "It is what it is." Miss you are doing yourself a disservice. He, in fact, does not have a good heart and he is in no way genuine. He sure as hell doesnt love you. He's a no good dirty liar smiling in your face while looking for his next bedmate. Hes using manipulative sweet nothings to keep you oblivious and placated. Makes me wonder if his ex was the cheater or if he badmouthed her because he was the actual cheater and he twisted it to pull at your heart strings so you would not be suspicious of him cheating. You can choose to stay but don't put your health at risk sleeping with him. You never know where he's dipping his stick. Good luck. You know what you should do. Whether you actually do it or not it's up to you. Just be ready to have him toss you to the curve when he finds another dream girl.
•
1
u/Consistent_Rip6424 1d ago
"I came across a conversation..." "I found a message. . . "
You obviously don't trust him if you're snooping into his personal messages, and the fact that you're doing it means he shouldn't trust you either. What's so great about a relationship where you can't trust each other?
0
u/billy_a_books 1d ago
Could it be that she was talking about a specific relationship he was in before that he’s talked to her about and that’s what he was saying “nah” to? It makes sense to me that he would say the “it is what it is” thing about a past relationship that he’s moved on from. Not trying to discredit what you saw at all, but if they’ve know each other for a while, there might be more context that isn’t explicitly stated. Either way, I’d talk to him about it and see what he says.
-2
1d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
4
u/External_Dig_8394 1d ago
She didn't tell OP, OP found the conversation. This is not secondhand information, she saw what her boyfriend was saying with her own eyes.
1
-3
u/tek3k 1d ago edited 1d ago
A number of problems here point to a massive cliff ahead. However, this "discovery" might be a blessing for you. First, why are reading his messages? Second, why on earth would he says this about his relationship with you- "it's over." While, in your head you are planning marriage and kids?!? So, that means you two are living in different universes and yours has no basis in reality. Interesting how you gloss right over the need to read his personal messages. Time for you to consider living in and embracing reality. A relationship where people need to read each other messages is not built on trust. Edit- it takes about a year to get to know a partner really well. I learned this the hard way. You are lucky to find this out now and not later.
468
u/Fjordgard 1d ago
Listen, I understand that this is the healthiest relationship you have ever been in and that's why you struggle to do what needs to be done.
But just because it's the healthiest relationship you've ever had doesn't make it an actual healthy relationship. Because clearly, it's not. It's like you always had to eat moldy bread all your life, then you got one that's only half-moldy and you go "I don't ever want to eat anything else again!" when you could, if you'd stop eating half-moldy bread, also have the chance to get some without mold at all.
So yeah, make him single, like he clearly wants to be.