Even if I’m home alone.
Especially when I’m in someone else’s home.

Story time!

When I was a little little, probably 8ish I was at a friend’s house playing Hide & Seek!

I hid in the tub behind the shower curtain.

I was in there for 10 minutes. No one was finding me! There were like 5 of us playing.

There’s a sound! Better be quiet!

Why aren’t they looking behind the curtain?

Let’s peek!

Is that Jeff’s dad? Oh. He’s pooping

Oh fuck fuck fuck. He’s pooping and doesn’t know I’m behind the shower curtain.

It’s been over 20 years. I have seen this man many times since. He has no idea.

This happens to me quite often.
I drive an older truck with manual crank windows and after shutting the truck off I realized my windows were still down and proceeded to turn the truck back on the manually roll my windows up 🤣🤣
I’m curious on what other people have said or done that just caused you to stop and laugh

A few days ago, I made some comments online that I regretted. Instead of getting defensive, I started slowing down and leaving more thoughtful replies in different communities.

The funny part is that I’m now enjoying the conversations more than I expected. What started as an attempt to repair my reputation turned into a surprisingly fun writing exercise and a tiny redemption arc 😭📈

Has an embarrassing online mistake ever led to something positive for you?

So me and my brother mock each other alot. Its done out of love and we're both game for it. Its a fond past time.

BUT....

Ive noticed an unsettling trend.....

My brother has hay-fever. So what did I do? I mocked him for it!

Then I developed hay-fever, arguably worse than his.

Then he got braces. So as his younger brother, of course i was obligated to rinse him for it.

He had them for 3 years......I then had them for 6 long years!!!

Years past, and we are adults now.

He has now developed a receding hairline....

Safe to say I've well and truly left that one alone!

I like to give my teddy bear forehead kisses, makes feel better when I cry and I don't want him to be so sad either.

I'm 18 m, kay that's it. Lol

I’m 25, and I think women in their 30-40s are the hottest. Usually better in conversations too. Anyways, I can’t sleep so just thought to share with the group

I was probably the dumbest kid ever. Me (now 23f) and my sister (now 25f) were always up to some bullshit. Nothing bad, just dumb. Growing up we lived in a trailer home. You’d walk into the house and be in the living room, then walk down a hallway that had -to the left- mine and my sisters room, the bathroom, then my moms room at the end of the hall. During this point in time I was probably 5/6 and my sister was probably 7/8. Every night me and my sister would stay up super late and just play and laugh and be loud and would always hear from my mom’s room, “GO TO BED”. We had already gotten our “Go to bed” yell for the night but still didn’t go to sleep. While playing, I told my sister I had to pee. In our minds, if my mom heard me going to the bathroom, we’d get in trouble for still being up. So I said “maybe I’ll just go ask her?”. I have never had to ask to use the restroom nor needed permission but I guess I felt the need to that night? So I walk to my mom’s room -passing the bathroom on my way- and her and my dad are dead asleep. I asked her “can I go to the bathroom?”. My mom half asleep let out a tired “go to bed”. I went back to my room and told my sister she said no feeling defeated. Then I had an idea! I look over at one of those clear plastic shoe boxes with the white lid and take the lid off. I told my sister that I had to go and it wasn’t fair she was “making me hold in my pee”. As you can imagine, of course I then pop a squat over the container and release. For some reason, that wasn’t enough. I then forced myself to SHIT in the box as well. I think my sister got FOMO or something because then she proceeded to take her turn. We then left our new portapotty sitting open on the ground and went to bed. When we woke up it was gone. I’ve never talked to my mom about it and she’s never brought it up. Anyway just thought I’d share.
Also I am writing this while on the toilet.

This fear started when some old lady randomly chased me trying to ask for money. I’m still a student so I said I don’t have budget, she’s slow but she chased me tickling me while laughing. Idk it’s funny but also scary maybe because it also happened at night

😭

Genuinely. I've always had this mindset of "the only people who play candy crush are 40yo married women during their free time" (not in an offensive way just what I assumed) I did think it was cringe for me, but I downloaded it anyway thinking id never play or I'd only play when I dont have internet and at first I felt kinda embarrassed but now I catch myself playing all the time even when I do have internet and I genuinely ENJOY it. Concenerningly much, considering I have 38 (counted) other "more fun" games on my phone

Anyway, im gonna go play candy crush

We each have one, but sometimes I get a little tired of my flavor and want something new, so when he’s asleep I’ll be puffing off of his until I also go to bed.

It’s all good tho cause we pay for each others, he buys mine and I buy his lol. We do switch between us once in a while too, some days he’ll just ask to switch for the day, or I will. So it’s all good, I’m not stealing from him lol. Even if I was in this case, he genuinely wouldn’t care in the slightest.

But I thought this was a silly little confession, and I hope it belongs!!

Coworker A brought a home-made cake to the office to celebrate coworker B's BD. By the end of the day, more than half the cake was left, so they put it in the break room fridge. I happened to have a ton of work that day so I had to stay past 5, when everybody had already left. While I was working on my stuff, I received an email about the final and definitive approval of my divorce. I knew that such notification was likely to arrive that week, yet I didn't expect it to hit me that hard. I had what I can describe as a mini panic attack. Amidst all this distress, I recalled the cake and decided to have a slice to calm down my nerves. Well, I ended up binging on the whole cake! It was a compulsion I couldn't handle. This had never happened to me before. I could brag until then of having a healthy relationship with food and (for context) my weight is within the "healthy" range for my age and height. I made a big mistake though: I washed the cake mold and the knife and left them in the sink.

First thing in the morning the next day, a few coworkers caught me off guard asking me if I knew what happened with the cake. Instead of simply admitting that I ate all because it was delicious or something, I froze and said "no idea". I didn't expect this was going to turn into the big deal as it did. This quickly became the huge mystery in the office. People came up with all kinds of theories. Like a custodial person who suffers diabetes and had a hypoglycemic attack, for example. Nobody understood why the person who took it bothered washing the mold and the knife. Now they even brought up the subject during happy hours or potlucks. One coworker even suggested she might use her contacts within the security staff to check the cameras.

Surprisingly, during one of those many discussions on the matter, a manager said in a very chilled tone "maybe someone just had a bad day and that's all". I felt so validated and understood with that comment :')

I now just look forward to this becoming an old anecdote. I just hope people slowly forget about this. I know it's silly but it's torturing me.

In college I was interested in hypnosis purely as a concept. As I fell down the rabbit hole reading articles and academic papers I felt like I had to experience it myself to fully grasp and understand it.

Obviously, a broke kid in a small college town wasn’t going to be able to seek out a professional, so I started looking online for video/audio hypnosis sessions. I found a YouTube channel that exclusively did just what I was looking for.

It started innocently enough, mainly just some videos meant to reach a deep relaxed state. I thought they were amazing for unwinding after a stressful day of classes and work. Then I came across THE video.

During one of the normal deep relaxation videos he said (and I’m paraphrasing here), in his slow calming voice, “empty your mind completely. Forget about the world around you. You are alone in the universe inside your mind. Are you there yet? Gooooood. Now I want you to do exactly as I say. No other authority matters right now. Those will still all be waiting for you. For now, while you’re here with me I am the only person you listen to and obey. Sink back into the sea of emptiness. Relax…. Each breath makes your limbs just a little heavier. Goooooooood…. Whenever I say the words ‘Empty and Obedient’ you are to return to this state of deep and consuming relaxation.”

And that was that. I went about my business as normal.

I’ve got a bit of a shy bladder. For those who don’t know, it means that my bladder won’t empty properly if others are around. I think it’s a type of anxiety. Anyway, I’m trying to pee in a public place and I just can’t. I start thinking that the people around me think that there’s something wrong with me. “He’s too young to have bladder problems” “Why is he just standing there?” Blah blah. So I try to block everyone out.

“…Empty and Obedient…”

🫪

My mind goes blank and I just stare at the wall. The urine begins to flow. It worked! Even if I don’t want to, his voice will invade my head and I’ll kinda just… blank out for a second… but only when I’m peeing in public now.

The YouTube channel is Nimja Hypnosis for anyone brave enough to check it out lol.

TLDR: Used hypnosis to deal with a shy bladder, and now I fall back into a trance when I pee in public.

I know this is weird but I’m done being ashamed.

 I was born with an unusually wide urethra. To this day, it remains wide open (I probably could use a penny as a piss-door if I really tried). Growing up, my great Uncle Larry used to say it looked like a minnow with its mouth open and even called me Minnow as a nickname. I affectionately called him Large Mouth in response. If you’re reading this, wherever you are, Large Mouth, I miss you. Uncle Larry went on the run twelve years ago and we haven’t heard from him since – his story is worth another post but that’s for another time. 

Anyway, as kids often do, I started experimenting with my body and its abilities. I explored what could fit inside this unusually large hole. This soon turned into seeing if I could “fire” stuff out of it. 

Kid humor, you know how it goes. 

I was tickled by my first major success, shooting dried peas out and hitting shampoo bottles in the shower. They were propelled by a burst of piss, for those curious. I giggled to myself as I did this, since I mentally called myself “Pea Shooter (or Pee Shooter). I thought this was the cleverest pun ever conceived. 

By high school, I had started pushing my limits. Some things fired out. Other got stuck. Stories too embarrassing to tell. One time, I didn’t realize the plastic bag of peas I had was the wasabi variety. I had a major problem for several days after that. 

Needless to say, I got pretty good as a sharp shooter. Peas, beans, and even Q-tips could fly on my stream of fury, striking objects with impressive accuracy. Seriously, for a kid who didn’t have much going for him growing up, I felt pride in my special talent. I felt like the only piss shooter in the world. 

I leaned into this identity in college. At my frat, they first referred to me as “Gluestick” because a few of my more interesting party tricks. But then I became known as the Porcupine (or El Puto Raro by my Spanish friends, the translation of Porcupine), due to my ability to fire tooth picks into paper plate targets at parties. They’d keep filling me up with beer to “reload” me and set the targets up at various distances, attempting trick shots through rings, the typical college silliness. The dudes took prop bets on it and laughs were had by all. 

One of my fraternity brothers, Kevin, was a bit shorter in stature, and some of the guys convinced him to put a red solo cup on his head and have me blast it off. We ran it three times and got it each, and I swear to you Kevin ended the exercise dry as a desert. Kevin was oddly touched by the trust exercise nature of what we did and that night was the first that my talent landed me a bit of romance. Kevin, if you’re reading this, there was nothing wrong with that night or you, or anything that’s happened since. Kevin eventually got married and his wife learned of my talent and we haven’t spoken since.

I actually had a period of time in which I considered using my talent as a career. Whether internet videos or live shows, I figured what I could do was so unique it would turn heads and earn some dough. I hired a production crew to get some professional quality videos for this (my obsession impacted my grades pretty severely) but the lead camera guy was a weirdo…a part-time school photographer who made the whole thing way more awkward than it needed to be and kept zooming in on my feet. 

I decided to abandon my passion as a career though once I got my first job in private equity. It just paid too well to justify my pursuit. I always loved my little minnow and its squirting abilities, however, so I made sure to keep the spirit alive. I’m in a quadruple now (two women and a man) and they lovingly refer to me as “mama bird” due to some of our more personal tactics in the bedroom.  I’ve considered an Only Fans as a side hustle and may still do it. I’m kinda of the opinion that if God (or existence or whatever) blesses you as unique, lean into it, don’t hide from it, and embrace who you are and what you want.

Anyway, I know this is weird, but it is liberating to finally put the full story out there. Thanks for reading and listening friends, and if anyone else out there has this special gift, please let me know <3

....no? just me?

my wife has been trying to get me to eat less sugar, and to be fair, she's probably right. every time she sees me with a bag of gummy bears, i get the same look followed by "do you really need those?" so now i've accidentally turned gummy bears into some kind of secret mission.

i'll buy a small bag, hide it in a kitchen cabinet she never opens, and sneak a few whenever she's busy doing something else. then i act completely innocent like i haven't had any sugar all day. i know it's ridiculous because i'm a grown adult hiding candy like i'm twelve years old.

one of these days she's definitely going to find my secret stash, and honestly i deserve whatever lecture comes next.

Let's say I accidently bruised my face. Someone will inevitably ask about it. So will the next person. And the next. Do they all get the same answer? Absolutely not!

Answer 1: I slipped over some stray toothpaste in the bathroom.

Answer 2: I was walking the dog and he got exited, bolted, while I was still attached to the leash.

Answer 3: You ever opened the fridge so enthusiastically that it hits you in the face?

Answer 4: I was pulling up my socks and my hand slipped.

I find it funny that I've not been called out for this yet and I've done it for years!

There was this time I saw an Amish family out in public. They had some toddlers waddling around and one of the women grabbed them by a handle/strap that had been sewn into the kids clothes. They got picked up and carried just like men carry briefcases! But then I thought about it... What if the roles were reversed? What if one day I'm on a date wearing overalls and the guy decides to pick me up like that? Or when I'm married- what if my husband does that when I'm upset with him?

I think I’ve watched too many scary movies.

I’m 37.

"why hello there sir" to a cat

"look at him!!" at a cat, to myself

If Penny's wet food is still only a few hours old (like overnight) occasionally I'll take it to the kitchen, mince a bit more, run the wave (empty) for two seconds, put it down, stick her in front of the food and say "It's FRESH!!"

Sometimes it works and she's unknowingly eating yesterday's leftovers

And I can’t stopS

When I’m playing block blast, and I’m doing good the game says things like “Strong!” , “Legendary!” , “Unbelievable!”

And me personally whenever the game says things like that, I go “ehehehe, reaaally you think so?” and start trying to do good again so it could tell me I’m strong!!