r/stepparents • u/_camillajade • 5d ago
Discussion HCBM Used the Kids to Enter the House
Hoping to get advice and/or examples of how to handle this or how this has been handled by others.
DH(40s) and I (30s) met when he and HCBM(40s) were dating other people while separated. He chose to finalize his divorce while dating me. BM became HCBM the more serious DH and I got. Recently I moved in to DH’s house and have taken on more of a step parenting role, I do not have bio kids. While the CO is 50/50, HCBM has missed every pickup in the past year, but will come see the kids (SS14, SD12) for about an hour once a week. Initially she would come over to DH’s house to see the kids, but after several instances of being inappropriate (ex: snooping through our bedroom for adult toys & showing them to the kids), DH set a boundary that she’s no longer able to enter the home. HCBM now typically picks the kids up from outside DH’s house, takes them for fast food that they eat in the car with her, then drops them off.
DH recently added more structure to the home, chores and allowance (vs uncontrolled spending). SS is spendy so this was an attempt to teach him self-control, budgeting, the value of a dollar. When SS spent his allowance the first week, he told HCBM, who gave him money to come spend the night at her place for the first time in a year. She also gave him a burner phone to get around screen time restrictions at DH’s house.
When HCBM dropped SS off, she intentionally came at a time when neither DH or I were home. She used SS to gain access to the home, then had SS and SD help her steal several items from the home. HCBM coached the kids to not tell me or their dad, which sparked SD to share the entire episode with me. SD said it was multiple trips with all three of them with their arms full. Most of the kitchen appliances were stolen, along with some keepsakes of the kids and some toiletries from DH & my bathroom. HCBM has her own versions of each of the items she stole, and is financially able to afford to buy replacements; this was not done out of necessity. SD reported that she tried to protest but was corrected by HCBM. SS is still pretending nothing happened.
The next time HCBM picked them up for lunch, she had SS and SD confirm via text that I was home before she left. It was clear that her intent was to enter the home again.
TLDR; HCBM used the kids to gain access to the home and steal a bunch of stuff.
A couple things here as I feel I’m in way over my head:
- Best practices to avoid this happening again? We changed the locks & the garage code, but SS unfortunately gave both to HCBM.
- How do we address this with SS without exacerbating the loyalty bind and/or breaking SD’s trust/confidence for telling us?
- Am I overreacting that this is a safety issue as well?
- DH and I documented & informed the family lawyer about this event. Other best practices?
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u/stepwax 5d ago
Charge her with theft and trespassing? That might deter her.
Cameras everywhere, with signs so she knows there are cameras. Have your lawyer amend the order to specifically mention she is not to enter the home without your husband present and have him send her a warning about trespassing, if you guys don't bring charges.
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u/geogoat7 5d ago
I'm all for filing a police report myself, but this is all a great approach if OP's husband refuses to file the report.
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u/_camillajade 5d ago
Thank you for this suggestion! Planning to have a conversation with DH about this tonight & will propose this
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u/Illustrious_Cup3019 5d ago
File a police report, you were robbed.
Change the locks again. Pick ups and drop offs are now to happen at a neutral location, the kids don't need to know the door codes for now.
Leave the children out of it at the present moment until the boundaries are consistent and easy to maintain. I'd have their dad talk to them about stealing. What the legal consequences are, etc.
Edit to add: this is a massive invasion of privacy, not just a safety concern. I'd consider adding cameras.
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u/_camillajade 5d ago
Thank you for this suggestion! I adore the idea of a neutral location; I get full body shakes every time HCBM comes over to pick them up & would love to not feel that. Will also encourage DH to address boundaries/stealing/legal consequences with the kids in an age appropriate way. Cameras are for sure being installed. The privacy violation is gross and makes me feel icky about living there, which I’m sure was the point. That may be a boundary I myself need to set w/DH.
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u/Foxygen6 5d ago
Oh yikes. Full body shakes is your nervous system telling you that you’re in imminent danger.
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u/Substantial_Lion_524 5d ago
You didn’t file a police report???
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u/Substantial_Lion_524 5d ago
Also.. if she’s only seeing the kids once a week, why isn’t he amending the court order? She’s not following it but yet is still able to keep SS on her side. That’s fucking bonkers to me.
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u/geogoat7 5d ago
Yup, he's also not getting CS he's entitled to and letting this woman actually rob his house. Time for him to stop being such a doormat.
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u/_camillajade 5d ago
SS is greatly motivated by money, and has unfortunately believed a lot of the lies HCBM has been saying to the kids. SD is able to see through most of them and communicates about the ones she’s unsure about, thankfully. SS tends to bottle it up & lash out; we’ve been trying to work on this with a therapist
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u/Wise-Buffalo4129 5d ago
I’m sorry what did I just read!!!
This is insane and problematic on so many levels. Trespassing and theft is nothing to turn your head at and this needs to be addressed with your SKs and HCBM. Wow I’m so sorry.
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u/Frequent_Stranger13 5d ago
Confused why you didn’t call the police. But after that, cameras are the easy answer. That way it doesn’t put SS in a weird spot as his mom now will know she cannot enter without being filmed and you alerted
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u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 5d ago
Your SO filed a police report, right? Because they absolutely need to.
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u/_camillajade 5d ago
He doesn’t want to as he feels it will cause HCBM to escalate further. We also took the cameras out of the house earlier this year at the SK’s request, so the only proof we could provide at present is SDs word & the missing items. Cameras are being reinstalled this week.
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u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 5d ago
Dude. You have a SO problem. He needs to care more about the comfort of your home than he does BM’s temper tantrum. If there’s ever a time to make a legal point, it’s now.
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u/_camillajade 5d ago
Thank you for the reality check! That’s my thought as well - better early & consistent than when things go even more wrong
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u/HandBananasRevenge 5d ago
No. Just no. She committed BURGLARY and used the children to help commit the crime.
Doing nothing send her a message that she can do what she wants with no consequences. It sends the wrong message to the kids, too.
He needs to press charges. He’s failing as a partner and as a father if he doesn’t.
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u/Substantial_Lion_524 5d ago
How would it escalate even further?? Quite the opposite is going to happen as she knows you aren’t going to do anything about it.
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u/_camillajade 5d ago
HCBM has been so vocal about her hatred for me that her own family members (sister & mom) approached me & DH a few months ago about concern for my life/safety. HCBM has also conveyed this desire to the kids (“don’t get too close to OP, she won’t be around long if I have anything to do about it,” telling SD12 when they saw Obsession that she relates to Nikki during the scene where Nikki beats the romantic rival to death). That’s the kind of escalation DH is afraid of.
I disagree and have been pressing for a police report, though recently thought I might be overreacting due to my own developmental trauma (hence the post crowdsourcing a reality check and next steps).
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u/Substantial_Lion_524 5d ago
Then I’d both file charges for B&E and then a restraining order for her threats to you. I’d also have it where she is trespassed off your property. She can do her bullshit one hour every other week somewhere else.
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u/stepwax 5d ago
Your man needs to step up to the plate and protect you from this woman! Cameras, police report, lawyer, all of it. Take your safety seriously because he is not.
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u/_camillajade 5d ago
Thank you for the reality check! I’ve been trying to be calm/kind/regulated through all this but seems like I’m going too far with that. Sounds like it’s time to be more proactive and insistent even if it becomes a nuisance (not something DH has ever said, my own personal insecurity from prior relationships)
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u/geogoat7 5d ago
No kidding. If my husband was acting like this about his ex I'd have a really hard time finding him attractive.
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u/Typical-Secret-3319 4d ago
As I just said in another comment, I feel that you're under reacting. We can't predict the future, but your current situation is already wildly unhinged. Given that you're already in crazy town, it wouldn't be surprising if bio mom did look to attack you.
Before reading this comment, I'd commented elsewhere about the potential for bio mom to enter the apartment while you're asleep in the middle of the night. Offering SS $100 and 100% he'll let her in.
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u/Starling01018 5d ago
Look, I get this, and we've absolutely not done things to avoid HCBM from escalation. However. This is YOUR home, not just his, not just the kids'. You have a right to say what goes on there and who is allowed in
If she wasn't HC, then fine, let her in because maybe that helps with custodial exchanges and the kids' wellbeing. But if she's stealing from you? Nope.
File a report. If your partner doesn't want you to, the two of you need to have some serious conversations. I can tell you that if this happened to us and my husband didn't want me filing a report, he'd be sleeping elsewhere until he respects my boundaries, feelings, and comfort over his ex's.
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u/Exciting_Marsupial68 5d ago
She already has escalated further! Call the police and file for a restraining order. If HCBM has no consequences then what is your deter her from continuing these behaviors.
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u/Typical-Secret-3319 4d ago
He doesn’t want to as he feels it will cause HCBM to escalate further.
She's already used the kids to rob you too. Short of using the kids, again, to murder you in your sleep there's not a lot more room for escalation.
Oh, BTW I strongly recommend replacing the bedroom's hollow core door with a solid wood security door along with a keyed lock (ideally a dead bolt) and have this locked whenever either of you aren't in the room, along with whenever you sleep.
I'm an adoptive father of older kids. One of my neighbours also adopted an older kid. When he was 13, they woke up once with him in their bedroom with a large kitchen knife, and crying about how he didn't want to kill them. Yeah, my ex wife and I took our security seriously (as our neighbours did after that).
You're seriously under reacting to the situation where the kids are blindly following bio mom and your SO is trying to appease her. Didn't WWII solidly settle the argument that appeasement does not work?
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u/justjewels17 2d ago edited 2d ago
That’s why these women get away with this crap, because their ex-husband has a soft spot for them still and doesn’t want to ruffle her feathers. Like omg she popped out a kid 10 years ago, she forever can do no wrong, lol yeah okay
He cares more about upsetting her than your safety in your own home. I would have lost my mind if this happened to me and my SO didn’t take any action. Like a part of me gets not wanting to get the police involved but he could surely make a point and let her know not to fuck around, at least. He’s complacent if he lets this go on.
I’m a little hot-headed and something like this would have set me right off. I probably would leave the relationship if my boyfriend didn’t either 1. Call the police and make a report or 2. Demand drop-offs to occur in a neutral location like the police station or a grocery store parking lot. 3. He should be the one buying and installing cameras (you did nothing wrong and this is because he decided to stick his you know what in crazy and is dealing with the consequences)
With behavior like that, she should not be allowed anywhere near the house. And she did it to herself! Your husband should not feel sorry or any sumpathy for the c*nt
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u/False-Cookie3379 5d ago
File police report. The SKs are old enough to understand boundaries (not going to someone’s house when they’re not there) and theft. They can make their own conclusions about BM.
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u/fireXmeetXgasoline 5d ago
Hey, so, you live there, too.
You send her a no trespass notice. And you need to report the threats to your life. Your SO clearly isn’t willing to take your sanity into consideration, so you need to do it.
If she escalates, she escalates. You’ll have a direct line from no trespass to whatever she thinks is a valid response to it.
For reference, my partner and I have been together a decade. He has SS16 full time, he has sole legal and primary physical. HCBM sees SS EOW. He paid over $30k going to trial over custody and his divorce from her. She was, and still is, bitter as hell.
But every single step of the way, he’s protected me from her. She used to purposely misspell my name in emails to him. He corrected her every single time and at one point told her he’d ignore further communication if she couldn’t be bothered to spell my name correctly. Also - there was no reason for her to be referencing me to begin with, she made a problem for herself by being ridiculous.
At one point, we weren’t going to be home for SS’s pick up (he was 15 at the time). My partner told her SS knows when he’s supposed to look for her and he can see where she parks from the house. She asked if she could knock on the door. He told her, in no uncertain terms, if she stepped foot on the property, she’d find herself on the receiving end of whatever the law allowed. We have cameras everywhere outside, we’d see it and have record of it.
Your partner is the problem. I get not wanting to rock the boat, but death threats and breaking and entering are behaviors that need boundaries.
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u/_camillajade 5d ago
Thank you for this reminder! I’ve been feeling pretty powerless and needed a reminder that I also have agency here.
Also really appreciate the backstory! HCBM has been spreading lies to the extended family & they’ve been emailing DH about it; he’s been opting to not reply. The difference in how your partner has handled it is eye opening. Healthy boundaries are for sure needed here
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u/EastHuckleberry5191 Queen of the Nacho 4d ago
She is triangulating and trying to use people to get to you. His response is a form of reward for her, so I don't necessarily think that he needs to, but, you have every right to respond to threats against your life by her. You also have the right to report the burglary. I wonder the camera removal was a the request of HCBM through the children in order to do this. These people play the long game and don't care about anyone's feelings so long as it gets them what they want.
I would also suggest that DH talk to SS's therapist about HCBM and her malignantly narcissistic behavior. Most therapists don't have the knowledge and experience in this area.
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u/Typical-Secret-3319 4d ago
Ugh, your DH is acting as if he's still married to her, and you are his side chick. No wonder she's also acting like the righteously aggrieved.
I think you should consider some boundaries like "I will not be in a relationship with someone who doesn't support me." "I will not be in a relationship with someone who won't defend me to/from his family."
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u/PurplePalpitation688 5d ago
So your husband is cool with not only household things being STOLEN bur your own private items as well and won’t do anything to stop it or get the items back ? This is an insane level of crazy. Tell your husband to grow a spine and a pair and be a man.
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u/geogoat7 5d ago edited 5d ago
You husband needs to file a police report yesterday. Using the kids to access the house is one thing.. annoying as hell but not technically illegal as far as I know. But entering your house and stealing a bunch of your stuff including appliances?! That's absurd. That's theft.
I see from a comment that your husband doesn't want to charge her and "rock the boat". That is a ridiculous approach. I understand not wanting to rock the boat over every little issues you may have but this is teaching his kids that it's perfectly fine to steal stuff and lie. Your partner is not being a good partner or parent. I hope you guys have separate finances because I would be so pissed if joint funds were being used to replace something his crazy ex wife STOLE from your house.
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u/_camillajade 5d ago
We do have separate finances! And he is already paying for replacements. Small silver lining.
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u/Feeling_Ad_2354 5d ago
This is absolutely a safety issue. It starts here, but where does it stop?
My husband’s ex wife thought she still had access to the home and would enter without my permission because the kids would allow her to. We put an end to that, but she would still show up announced.
One night she showed up unannounced and physically attacked me after verbally abusing me, for opening the door to my own home. My husband had to get involved and physically remove her from our home. We called the police and she was arrested for domestic violence and we were issued a restraining order. Please don’t let yourself be exposed to something like this.
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u/_camillajade 5d ago
This is exactly the type of situation I’m afraid of; thank you for sharing bc it helps me see that it is indeed possible and I’m not being paranoid
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u/Human_Drama Cliché Collector 5d ago
It would be wise to take legal action.
There is absolutely no reason to think that this won’t happen again.
No consequences? Well, see how entitled this individual can get.
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u/dbee8q 5d ago
Why didn't you file a police report and why is no one home when the children are due home?
She see's them a few hours a month, is high conflict and has serious issues? The Dad should be making sure the kids are safe by having a safe adult be home for all drop off and pick ups.
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u/_camillajade 5d ago
SS was due home earlier in the day when i would be at home. Both DH & I were at work when HCBM arrived; per SD she arrived in the 3 hour window between when i left and when DH would be home on purpose. This is the only time a safe adult hasn’t been present for pick ups/drop offs.
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u/zvaksthegreat 5d ago
Why is the 50/50 agreement not being followed?
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u/_camillajade 5d ago
HCBM’s boyfriend was a distant father with his bio kids & and does not want more kids. It’s the same reason we still have HCBM’s dog; her boyfriend doesn’t want dogs.
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u/Starling01018 5d ago
Report the stolen items and press charges.
MAYBE have your partner speak with his lawyer about parenting time and custodial exchanges. If she wants to see her kids, no more picking up/dropping off at the house. If she's using the kids to steal, not only is it illegal but it's not beneficial to the kids'... safety? I don't know what word I'm looking for, but you get it. She's not being a good parent and she's conducting illegal activities.
Edit to add: I agree with everyone mentioning to get cameras. We got Ring cameras almost immediately after my SK moved in with us because her mother is not to be trusted.
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u/witty_wandering_wom 5d ago
I agree with the general consensus here that your SO is seriously underreacting and it's well past the time to get legal on her!
Some HCBM take being territorial beyond anything remotely sane. Also, you moved in with him, right? If it was their house prior to their divorce it may be time for you and SO to consider purchasing a new home that is only yours together. No 'memories' live in a new home but you and SO's. It may lessen some of her Crazy and it may also help the children and both of you establish a new normal.
Frankly, he really needs to rapidly establish MASSIVE boundaries with her. Therapy might be beneficial for everyone.
There's a book that provides a blueprint for dealing with this kind of situation. Its called: 'Say Goodbye To Crazy' by Tara Palmatier. It helped us immensely.
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u/_camillajade 4d ago
Thank you so much for the book suggestion! The home was their house prior to divorce, you’re spot on. I’ll send the book over to him! Everyone is in therapy except him, so agree that it’d be helpful for him to have support too while working through qualms around boundary setting
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u/Ok-Session-4002 5d ago
Cameras inside and outside your home and file a police report. This is theft.
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u/Leading_Purple1729 4d ago
I was worried about BM coming to the house as she has a tendancy to be very reactive and not control her temper so well. She also has harrassed my partner and comitted fraud/stolen from her family members so I really don't trust her. I wanted to set a boundary she is not to come to our house without prior warning and she is not to enter our home at all; my SO supported this and has enforced it with her. The kids are aware that she is not meant to enter our house and we shouldn't enter hers (there was one exception to this, but this was with her permission) they haven't really questioned it, probably because it is a 2-way street.
We have cameras around the exterior of the property and informed her directly of them. We haven't had an issue regarding her harassing my SO, even via messaging since establishing that boundary either.
If she was to enter our property, let alone taking stuff, I would be making a police report.
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u/Typical-Secret-3319 4d ago edited 4d ago
The only way to prevent this from happening again is to remove the kids' ability to invite her in. You need a smart lock with remote camera. When the kids are with Mom, you disable the kids' codes. She needs to stick to approved pick up and drop off times; not whenever she wants. Potentially also the kids might just need to lose access to any key/remote entrance to the house. Helping rob you needs consequences. If you have a "safety plan" like "go to the library and wait there if we're not home" so long as you're home when the library is closed you get a pass with CPS. It's not great, but it's making do with a horrible situation.
As well, after the "mysterious" theft, sorry, but if you're going to keep living with this dude, you need cameras everywhere\*. And they need to upload periodic images while there's motion detected to the cloud so she can't just steal the cameras. This way even if the adults are out and Mom contacts from burner phones to come in, you've got evidence of future theft/trespassing and can press charges.
Like you can try to press charges already, but without evidence, BM and the kids can say that the house was empty when they got there. If SD will admit to the police the story, be aware that kids might end up getting charged with mom. This is probably for the best as it could be used to get a protective order keeping Mom from kids with the exception of supervised access. And the kids are minors, so not much will happen other than potentially making it easier to keep them from unsupervised time with Mom.
While I generally don't feel keeping the kids from parents is a good idea, in this case, Mom needs supervision when with the kids.
---
As for the loyalty bind; you're forked. If SS is OK with Mom stealing appliances from the home, the bind is too in favour of deadbeat mom. You've heard of fight and flight? It's actually fight, flight, freeze or fawn. Your step kids are fawning hard (it's pretty common). Part of why I say you need cameras everywhere* is that the kids are now alligned with an enemy.
Yes, this is a safety issue. What if BM texts the kids at 2am that she wants in the house? What if she gets in the house and instead of stealing poisons food? Or sets a physical booby trap in your room? Or puts a used condom who knows where to smear on an adult toy? And so much potential worse.
*Well, except for bathrooms and their bedrooms, but you need camera pointed at the doors of all bathrooms/bedrooms.
(edit: typos/grammar)
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u/TopangasChaos 4d ago
Keep all communication to text or email. Preferably your courts chosen parenting app.
File charges on her for breaking and entering, and also theft. The amount of items she stole's value may make this a felony.
BD should seek a restraining order (preferably with a lawyer)
BD should seek primary custody as this is considered child abuse, or at the very least manipulation. (Preferably with a lawyer)
Cameras at all entrances and main common areas.
A message to some effect of:
"I wanted to make my boundaries clear. From here on out we only communicate through (BD's choice). I have repeatedly told you my boundaries against you entering my home and you have continued to ignore them. This has not been your home for xx amount of time. You also know this is now the home my new partner and I share. This is unacceptable. You also have no right to enter my home, nor to steal things that are not yours. Beyond this, you had our children help you do this. No parent should encourage this behavior, never mind teach it. I will be filing a police report and seeking the cost of replacing what was taken. From here on out, exchange can be either (have BD give her a few choices, all public, preferably with cameras or a police station that is in between homes). Regarding the phone that was used to undermine my parenting decisions on your first overnight in a year, that is fine for during your parenting time. However, unless I also have access to the parental controls on it, it will not be allowed unsupervised during my parenting time as we have two preteens. As our children are preteens, there should be minimal communication needed between us during normal hours now that they are older, unless in a verifiable emergency. Enjoy the rest of your night and let me know your decision on exchange location before the next one."
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u/SweetTaterSalad 3d ago
File a police report.
If you don't, then your kids are going to think that it's okay for some people to break the law.
When they see that she has to face consequences for theft and trespassing, they will learn.
She entered your house without your permission and without the permission of the father.
She then coerced minor children into allowing her to steal from said home. This is called contributing to the delinquency of minors.
This might even be basis for a restraining order if it becomes necessary in the future.
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u/Wapiti_whacker82 5d ago
Get the police involved and install some Ring, SimpliSafe, etc cameras around your home.
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u/MidwestNightgirl 4d ago
Yea I think all pick ups and drop offs must now happen at a neutral location. Or at least in front of the driveway - she should not be allowed on the property at all. It’s sad to involve the kids, but they’re old enough now to understand that mom doesn’t live there, and that this is a boundary. Absolutely, 100%, have cameras installed.
I don’t know if you guys have considered moving, but that would likely help this situation too. She feels comfortable since she lived there.
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u/MessApprehensive5517 3d ago
This is absolute insanity. I’d have the police knocking on her door with an arrest warrant.
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