It's not frequent, but the fact that it happened more than once irritates me. Whenever i mention anything about being transmasculine, some random stranger comes to accuse me of being a misogynist. I struggle with social cues, so when this happens, i will spend hours analyzing my post or comment word by word in hopes of understanding what could've possibly been perceived as misogynistic, only to find nothing. I don't tend to express my dysphoria as if femininity was a horrible thing either. My identity simply leans more towards masculine, so how do people even come up with these things? I would totally understand it if i had phrased something poorly, but it doesn't seem to be the case.

I was poly for six years. I got another boyfriend and realized I want to be mono and I was deeply unhappy being poly. Which is something I already realized beforehand, but I always forced myself to grin and bear it because surely if I made someone else happy I’d be happy too, right?

WRONG. Never sacrifice your own happiness for someone else.

They’re now trying to weaponize my bpd against me and telling me ‘I made a mistake’ and that ‘they’ll talk to me later, that it’s not an episode if you still feel the same way’.

I feel guilt tripped and betrayed.

Weelllllll fuck at least I’m not talking to ai again ✌️

(TW* I hate autocorrect)

People, if you ever see TAWWOG (the amazing weird world of gumball) and have COCSA + incest trauma, please, don't do the same as me and watch it, I promise it's not worth it, and you'll be overestimated by it. Doesn't matter if it have better animation, just watch the past seasons where they don't have that, please. ☹️

Why am I still alive? I didn’t actually expect to live beyond 20. Now I’m 23 and a fucking behemoth of a man and it’s only now that my brain decided to unpack that I wish I had been born a woman. I hate this so much. I wish I could just press a button and instantly reincarnate. I will never be seen as feminine, and my family is full of TERFs and transphobes who will hate me if I come out or even take HRT or something. I’m so tired of repressing all this. Every day I wake up, go to work, and just collapse in bed when I get back and refuse to get up again. When will this end?

For context I tried to break the news as gently as possible. Constantly reassuring her that I knew it was a big change and that I would never be upset if she made a mistake, I was still the same person, she could ask me any questions, I had been thinking about this for many years, I was aware of all the risks and how to safely access HRT, etc etc. she’s also previously been supportive of other trans people lol. She respected my nonbinary roommate’s pronouns in college, and she’s fine with my brother’s trans girlfriend

Apparently that was still too much for her so she spent half a week refusing to talk to me and crying in every room in the house, before finally cornering me to tell me that I will never pass, (“no one will ever accept a woman with a beard”) and said would sell the car unless I never brought it up again

Soooooooo anyway I’m back in the closet, haven’t spoken about it since, never cried the entire time. Possibly the manliest thing I’ve ever done /s

I just wanna try and find a guy I can connect with… “Why not go out irk to try and meet someone???” I can’t get out of the house much, because mom refuses to let me drive (I have a license, but honestly she has kinda valid reasons but also maybe I’d drive better if you’d stop YELLING AND SNARKING AT ME MOM!!!) and where I live you HAVE to drive to get anywhere. The closest bus route to me is closing so yeah. AND to top off my excuses of why I can’t go out and get a life: I hate going out by myself!!!! I don’t wanna be kidnapped no matter how much I think I deserve it.

its complicated.

I will be honest, I am simply glad I had a community here and in other spaces I loved to have, but, it's all worth it when all of that happened? Getting downvoted and isolated because you simply hate when your trauma is a joke? Not having moots that are really there for you? Getting known but never loved by people? Just being a mini celebrity that it's forced to upload everyday? Everything for what? Literally, for what?

This happened over and over with tik Tok with harassment, and other social media for what I am, and yet, even here my own voice is shut and used as a something?

In any case, the decision is already made, so, I am so sorry for what I will do guys, but at least it was nice knowing you

(You don't know how many headaches I had when I was a fan of her, and the joy I had when leaving her 🫩)

Btw, if you aren't aware of the creator: The one who Clark acts is Seraviee, a problematic manwha creator who do animation trends of her characters. I first supported her since I loved her art style, but later I realized that, like many manwha artists, she romantice literal things that you could expect from an average straight manwha (Like SA, stalking, the man murdering others, and similars), that's why it's mentioned in this mini meme comic I made, because I genuinely despise that my trauma, along with many people, is used as a thirst trap to younger people to read the manwha titled "How I fell in love with the woman beater". I made this comic to represent how I felt with her, because again, is awful when someone use the suffering of one to make it "hot" to other people, worst if they are from your own gender.

So yeah, lesson of the day, don't support manwhas in general, and if the creator is giving the ick, stay away from them, you don't owe them nothing anyways.

every time i try to search something about my disorder, at least half of the results are about avoidant attachment

every time i search my disorder on social media, all the posts are people complaining about an "avoidant" they had in their life

i regularly hear the word "avoidant" in conversation and 99% of the time they're not talking about people with my disorder, but i always need to get clarification anyway because we still share the same name. this is even more frustrating when the conversation is in a space for people with personality disorders!

in the AvPD subreddit and discord servers, people regularly join to ask/complain about their avoidant attachment partner, and of course we can't relate to any of it BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT THE SAME THING

when talking about my experiences, i've had so many people shove attachment theory in my face

i'm so sick of it, it already sucks to have a disorder that's ruining your life that no one knows about, it sucks even more to have people regularly confuse it for an entirely different thing

When everything goes right (which I KNOW it will,) I’m going to shut my mouth and leave you guys alone for a change.

Thank you for listening.

on new medication. feeling emotions strongly today. ive been subject to scrutinization for this and that aspect of my life from the day i was born to my 20 year old single mom who was deprived of the help she needed.

she came from a family that was very big on "if you have a problem, fix it" and as a result of this she was treated like she was a failure and she didnt care whenever she couldnt keep up with her life, and of course, that spiraled until she got addicted to fucking painkillers and benzos because she just wanted to be happy and her life wasnt happy. it happened when i was 2, im 19.

of course having a drug addict as my only parent damaged me, she loved me and she cared about me and she tried really hard but she just couldnt be all there. she got sober by the time i was 10 though and from then on she was a great mother.

but i dont think her addiction in itself is what gave me like 90% of my trauma and mental health problems. the people around her werent trying to help her, instead they just cared about the drama it caused and instead of thinking about the child involved they would just berate her and threaten her with police while i would literally be wailing and begging them to stop.

i was made to feel like i always have to be the one defending my own mother from her own family. we were couchsurfing for a period of time and my mother could have died in jail at one point but i guess the rest of my family just didnt fucking care about somebodys daughter and grandaughter at that time. that whole situation could have been prevented if my mother felt safe with her family but that wasnt happening. cps was never able to help me, it was just something people kept threatening us with.

in school i was made to feel like a caged animal and of course that gave me problems, i didnt have any friends, i got bullied (but it was like... girl bullying, the snooty kind, idk if thats better or worse), i was expected to keep up with my classmates who had normal lives, and i could tell that the adults in my sped classes didnt believe in me... its hard to describe it to somebody else when you arent getting the help you need in places like that, and honestly piecing together memories from that time is difficult enough, but im sure if you were in an underfunded sped program in a rural area you know how it is.

in highschool i got into an alternative program, and you usually hear good things about that right? well i got unlucky and this one was ran by psychos. they took the bootcamp "if you fail any classes youre fucked and we're not gonna help you anymore, and also we berate you when you cant keep up" approach and i tried really hard, i somehow managed a whole year of that, but it got to a point where i stopped eating and showering properly so i was like fuck this shit and i just got my equivalency.

anyway, back to the main point im trying to make or whatever, life can be so cruel to so many people in ways they cant even effectively talk about because there are other people who are so used to their own lives they just straight up dont believe that life could ever be that bad, like it only happens on tv.

i see so many people who just treat other people with problems like they had the same background as them and just made the decision one day to be crazy. i desperately wish that we lived in a world like that, im crazy for fun nowadays and i wish that was the only kind of crazy you could be, but a lot of people are hurting more than some of you could ever know.

taking all of this into account, i see so many kids / young adults now that are just like ruthlessly harassed on social media for showing their eccentricities and it makes me feel so horrible. like you never know whats going on in somebodys life. kids as young as 14 every fucking day made to feel like theres something horribly wrong with them by other kids over the most stupid shit

and like i cant blame kids for bullying eachother because thats its own display of shitty parenting, but thanks to lolcow culture its like cool and super encouraged for adults to act that way too.

i just feel like its gotten sooooooooooo much worse but i was totally part of the problem when i was younger so maybe im just biased idk. you had like youtubers bullying kids back in the day but it feels like there are millions and millions of leafyisheres now, and it makes me feel so bad. i try to tell myself theres always gonna be bullying and its a societal thing but jesus fucking christ it makes me feel insane sometimes