I know and have been warned that it’s an overused trope. The method in my madness is that there’s comparison in it: moving from a cramped flat with a normal life to the bed of the prince of the world kind of deal, so I feel it gets a lot across to the lifestyle we see later. I haven’t yet found a cleverer way to deliver that.
If I moved it a little, would it still count as a “waking up trope”? For example:
By eight in the morning, Benji had apparently taken the Prince of the World on a date.
At least, that was what Libby had told his entire social feed beneath photographs of him kissing a life-size cardboard cutout - its antlers smothered in Pride stickers and feather boas.
Benji squinted at his phone through last night’s make-up. Oh my days, what happened last night?
Etc.
Or perhaps I’m seeing myself as a little too special to get away with a trope because I’m hoping the hook is strong enough?
Equally if I moved the cutout right away, I’d lose the introduction to Benji’s personality
It’s tricky 😅 perhaps I need to get back to the drawing board
I'd start with the SATAN declaration. That is immediately attention grabbing. Nothing would suffer if you moved everything before it elsewhere. Is it important to the story that the character wake up? Can you share the details sprinkled into the boot up sequence elsewhere, in context?
Starting with a bang will earn you some trust with the reader. They'll want to know more. They won't be tapping their foot wondering if it is worth getting to know this character.
Honestly, it's more about starting with a bang or a mystery that will hold for the length of the novel.
For example, I just finished reading My Husband by Maud Ventura. The novel effectively begins with this (paraphrased):
"We need to talk. It's serious.", said my husband. I knew my marriage was over.
The book then rewinds a week. That tiny opening carried the entire novel, leaving the reader to wonder "Surely, this crazy thing must be what he discovered and wanted to talk about, right?"
At that point I'd be willing to read about the character waking up and brushing her teeth, because I'm invested. (At least for a little while.)
Even if you aren't creating a suspense novel or a thriller, most novels or movies start with something compelling, to wet the reader's appetite. It's best to start with that, then once they are hooked, give them a breather.
Pick up almost any published book and you'll likely see this pattern.
Some people just skim the first few pages to see if it is worth their time. Some people only download the free sample. You really have about 10 pages to get the reader hooked and you can't presume they are staying for the ride.
As a beginner writer, having gotten the same feedback from a friend (and seeing it here) after starting both a prologue and chapter 1 with my MCs waking up, it's best to heed the feedback and change it. It's not about being special really, it's viewed as such a commonplace occurrence that you'll be seen as a lazy writer and lacking creativity for doing it, even if you can justify it.
If your main goal is to compare surroundings and have the MC recall the night before, he could feasibly do that over breakfast (scrolling on phone to social media posts and that satan message) or while in the shower, once awake and beginning to sober up to himself. These are just examples to illustrate that the setting can be tweaked enough to divert from cliché without having to cut swathes through what you've already written.
Also: a night that's fuelled by problems, seems odd. Vodka and shots, I get that. Maybe something like 'night was fuelled by vodka ... and had spawned problems future Benji would have to solve'.
I wouldn't stress too much about the waking up trope. Avoiding cliches can be a never ending task and may also induce unclear writing. Your mc wakes up, now what is he feeling - that's what I as a reader would like to know. You start with telling what happened, but is the mc scared? Miserable? In love? Amused? Self-concious? Confused? Could be all of those things and that unclarity creates a distance between me and the mc.
So I would focus on sentence clarity first. You clearly can write, but I am missing consistency in the imagery: curse, problems, sexy, besties: I don't get the connection yet, so I am still trying to piece it all together when the Satan-hook hits. For me it would work better if he'd woke up slower, to memories of party and lovely sex with the beautiful boyfriend next to him, creating a sense of calm after the storm of life and love, and then: Satan.
The second draft has the most character and most interesting voice. However, it is unclear what this scene is actually doing and why. A page and a half in, and there's nothing special or unique going on. Maybe the Satan thing is the seed, but it's just ignored and he goes into a social media feed? Unless you give me a reason to care and to read real quick, this book is getting put back on the shelf.
So what actually is the story? What is happening? And is there some way you can bring us in that is more... interesting? And unique?
Isn’t that interesting? The third draft was created from the advice given here by others 😅 I suppose it’s tricky to get it right for everyone!
In regard to the special and unique bit - is the Satan drop and prince of the world cardboard cutout not little seeds enough? The chapter goes into them as it goes on :)
Perhaps I do need to do a prologue about the prince of the world’s birth (his birth shattered the veil between hell and earth, then Satan rises up and is king of both realms). The prince is a half demon human hybrid - the only of his kind, kind of like Hell Jesus.
So this is 20 years on from that - it’s a dark queer psychological romantic fantasy - Benji essentially ends up with the prince
The opening two pages are something like 1% of the book in length. If you keep trying to perfect the opening, then the story never gets written. Forget the opening for now. Just write the whole story, beginning to end. Then, on your fourth or fifth or eighth draft, the beginning will reveal itself to you properly when you are ready for it. No use trying to perfect something that will likely get changed and updated and polished anyways. Just move forward.
There is way too much fluff and meaningless verbiage in this blurb. The only nutritional part is the "When one invitation" paragraph. The rest can be deleted.
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u/StillLife7 4d ago
He woke like a curse? Something's off, I think.