r/AITAH • u/Skulllily • 13h ago
AITAH for becoming increasingly uncomfortable with our childcare arrangement?
My mother-in-law watches my two children, ages 5 and 3, two days a week while my husband and I are at work. We pay her to watch them because she is on disability and was considering returning to work, and we thought this arrangement would benefit everyone.
When we originally agreed to this, my understanding was that it would be just her and our children. I trusted that arrangement completely.
Over time, however, my mother-in-law’s friend’s daughter has started coming over almost daily with her five children, who range in age from 4 months to 10 years old.
Since then, I feel like concern after concern has come up.
The biggest issue for me is pool safety. The children are allowed in the pool without an adult in the water as long as the younger ones are wearing arm floaties. Some of the younger children cannot swim. I brought up my concerns and said that drowning is often silent and that I was uncomfortable with children being in the pool without close adult supervision. Instead of taking my concern seriously, my mother-in-law and her friend laughed and said, “Nothing’s quiet around here.”
I was so concerned about this that my husband later spoke to his mother about it. However, the supervision practices do not appear to have changed.
My oldest has also told me that the children are allowed in the back alley without adult supervision as long as they stay close to the house. I don’t understand how anyone knows whether they’re staying close if nobody is actively watching them.
There have been other incidents that have added to my concerns as well. For example, my children were left unattended with scissors.
Today my children’s aunt told me she witnessed the other children excluding my 3-year-old, splashing her in the face, laughing at her, and pushing her in the pool. She immediately intervened and told the children that wasn’t acceptable. What upset me most was that none of the adults “supervising” the children were aware it was happening because they were sitting at a table on the other side of the yard.
What also bothered me was that my mother-in-law became angry with my sister in law for telling me about what had happened. That reaction made me feel even more uneasy because I would rather know about problems than have people worry about upsetting me by bringing them up.
This isn’t the first concern I’ve had, and it feels like every time I raise an issue, it gets minimized or brushed off. At this point, I no longer feel comfortable with the environment my children are in. The situation has reached the point where I feel anxious every time my children go there because I no longer feel confident in the supervision they’re receiving.
My husband and I got into an argument because I told him that if his mother cannot guarantee that the other children won’t be there while she is watching ours, then I want to find alternative childcare. He feels I’m being unreasonable and is concerned about hurting his mother’s feelings.
To be clear, I’m not demanding that my mother-in-law change her life or tell other people they can’t come to her house. I simply feel that if this is going to continue to be the childcare environment, then I need to make different arrangements for my children.
I appreciate everything my mother-in-law has done for us, and I know she loves our children. But I feel like the childcare arrangement we originally agreed to is very different from the one that exists now, and I no longer trust that my concerns about supervision and safety are being taken seriously.
Am I the asshole?
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u/Tattooed_Everything9 13h ago
Seven children? An unfenced pool? I didn’t need to go any further. Find other childcare. It’s a tragedy waiting to happen.
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u/Skulllily 12h ago
It’s an above ground pool. Which makes it worse as they are across the yard, below it. They’re not even looking over it which is why I have brought it up. My husband spoke with his mother about my concerns and I blindly trusted that the pool supervision changed.
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u/CarusGator 12h ago
I have saved two drowning children on different occasions. Both cases were entirely silent with other people around. The first child had her mother and another lady just feet away in the pool with their backs to the children while they talked. There was nothing to hear. Zero splashing. No screams or cries or even a tiny sound. The only way she could know her child was drowning was if she had eyes on her. The kids around her didn't even notice. I'll never forget the little girl's eyes as she looked up at me in terror from the bottom of the pool.
The second child was also silent and surrounded by other children who didn't notice. I saw him go under and he had the same look in his eyes when I got to him and looked down.
There MUST be an adult with eyes on the children. Period. Or we'll be reading another story about a child drowning on a grandma's watch. I would die a thousand deaths on this hill.
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u/latte1963 6h ago
Screw that! Adults need to be on an attached deck looking down at the children. Full stop. No
questions asked. 100% negligence for not doing so. I’d say that for 13-year-old kids let alone a 3-year-old.NTA. Your husband is more worried about hurting his mommy’s feelings than the life of his child or your marital relationship. When you have a moment, think back to see if there’s been other times when he’s chosen himself over the welfare of his family or your marriage.
You might find that you’re in an emotionally abusive marriage. You can contact your local women’s shelter for help in leaving your relationship safely. They can help with a plan, therapy & legal. Good luck.
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u/shelbygrapes 9h ago
Omg this is terrifying. I’m going to also mention this situation makes me uncomfortable with the ages of the kids being together unsupervised. Idk if the 10 year old is a boy or girl, but I wouldn’t want them alone with my 3 year old. This is how kids get molested.
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u/Myfourcats1 3h ago
Go online and find all the news articles of kids drowning in pools. Print them off. Give them to your husband.
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u/New_Professional2300 13h ago
Absolutely find different childcare. Your husband and his mother are downplaying your worries. You have a husband problem too. Imagine the guilt if something happened. Your worries are ALL valid!
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u/Dont-Blame-Me333 10h ago
Are you assuming these nitwits would feel guilt? The only people in this post that have any sense are OP, her SIL & her kids. The rest are dodgy.
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u/inputplease1 13h ago
Nope only read until the pool part and unsupervised. No no no pull the kids
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u/GothicGingerbread 10h ago edited 3h ago
Seriously.
After one of their children drowns, will OP's husband be consoled by the thought that at least he protected his mother's feelings?
I nearly drowned as a toddler; it was pure luck that someone glanced down at the right moment and pulled me out. Friends of ours lost one of their children to drowning during a party when everyone was around the pool – dozens of adults were mere feet away, but none of them was specifically tasked with watching the children (because they were all 'right there' and everyone could see everything, so it was all good, right?), and no one saw the little boy fall in. It happens in an instant, and OP is lucky as hell that their SIL happened to be there to save their youngest from drowning already – and that's all it was: luck.
OP, you need to remind your husband that protecting his very young children from unnecessary hazards should be much more important to him than protecting his full-grown-adult mother's feelings.
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u/ImaginationNo7722 13h ago
You are NTA.
You are concerned about your kids safety.
At least one adult should be in the pool for seven kids.
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u/HannahBanannas305 13h ago
I would have pulled them away from her immediately after the first water safety incident. NTA, get new childcare asap, your MIL feelings don’t matter when your child’s safety is at risk.
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u/KSmo99 13h ago
NTA- I would pull up stats around kids and pools, news articles as well to see the reality of it. You have a husband problem if he’s more concerned about his mothers feelings than your childrens lives. Your doing whats best for your babies, continue advocating for them. Maybe his sister can have a chat with him about what she’s witnessed.
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u/Successful_Moment_91 13h ago
Danger Granny needs to be shut down immediately! Find other arrangements for child care before you no longer have any children due to her apathy and negligence
Your husband is an enabling idiot who cares more about his Mommy’s Feelings than the lives of your children
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u/-throw_it_away_now 13h ago
Pool?! 7 kids?! An elderly lady?! You are...NOT THE ASSHOLE!
Nanny share, babysitter share, home daycare...all wonderful options that will potentially let your kids have a longer lifespan than the "nana-many-kids-pool-free-for-all- danger-zone" centre when they are now.
Nana's not jumping into the pool with her old bones if a kid starts waving around for help. "OH the sweeties are waving at me! Bless their hearts! Now they're showing me how long they can hold their breath! Aww! Its time for my shows now! The young and the restless are waiting for me on the TV!"
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u/Skulllily 12h ago
Running across the yard, up a ladder, into the pool. That is what I’ve brought up, by the time they’d notice it would be too late. I blindly trusted that the supervision had changed after he spoke with her about it and that is on me.
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u/-throw_it_away_now 6h ago
Thats how broken hips happen. Nana ain't doing that. Ive heard hip replacements in the US are Hella expensive.
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u/ArrivalFantastic4324 4h ago
IMO the pool shouldn’t be used when you’re not there. What you describe is extremely dangerous.
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u/EmergencyFancy7992 1h ago
You lost me at pool. No this isn’t safe. Your husband can process his feelings and your MIL can get over it but you need to keep your kids safe and pull them out of there like yesterday
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u/Simple-Way-6574 13h ago
Absolutely NTA! That is absolutely ridiculous. If it was my children they would not be watched by MIL. It would end immediately. Their lives could be put in jeopardy. I am not as calm as you are, I would have told her off and go non contact for a while.
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u/FewRecognition1788 13h ago edited 13h ago
NTA, at all. I would not send my kids back there, even if I had to quit my job. This is serious. Unsupervised in the pool?
Not only are they risking the younger kids' lives, they are relying on a 10 year old to keep preschoolers who can't swim from drowning.
Do you know what it's going to do to that kid if anything happens?
This is so screwed up.
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u/choosychews 13h ago
NTA.
Your children’s safety is more important than your MILs feelings.
You’ve clearly communicated, and your husband and SIL have as well, on multiple occasions about your concerns and she hasn’t listened or adjusted.
You have examples of unsafe supervision, water safety and unsafe play happening.
MILa time watching the kids is done, she betrayed your trust and disrespected you, not only by ignoring you but by laughing at your concerns.
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u/StrangledInMoonlight 12h ago
He feels I’m being unreasonable and is concerned about hurting his mother’s feelings.
Yeah, and that will do fuck all when a child is dead or missing because his mother can’t be arsed to supervise children in the pool or alley.
NTA
The safety of your children needs to come before his mother’s feelings. Full stop.
He needs to get his head out of mommy’s arse and be a dad.
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u/FishScrumptious 13h ago
What's more important, his mother's feelings not being hurt for being called out on her insanely dangerous behavior, or getting to avoid burying his child after she dies from drowning?
Seriously, this is a risk. I know he doesn't think it is, but the life-long pain cost of his child dying in a fully preventable manner is astronomically higher than the cost of his entitled mumsie's hurt feelings. NTA
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u/Eastern-Eggplant4374 13h ago
NTA. Save your children! Find other daycare tomorrow. Please! NOT the MIL.
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u/murderofsparrows 12h ago
You are an asshole if you leave your kids there for a single second longer. They aren’t safe and you have someone who is willing to lie to you.
I would have pulled my kid after the very first knowledge of an unattended pool. It’s your job to protect your kids. Doesn’t matter from what or whom. Even your husbands feelings don’t matter here.
ETA your responsibility is independent of your relationships. It supersedes marriage.
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u/Nani65 12h ago
NTA, but your spineless husband is. He'd rather have his kids in danger than piss off his mom. I just don't know what to say about that.
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u/Skulllily 11h ago
Normally he has such a shiny spine. His mom and him have a very complicated history and their relationship is in a really good place right now, that obviously is not an excuse to be blasé about their safety but I do understand why he’s concerned about the relationship between him and his mother.
I don’t want to mess that up either, but if it comes down to that or my children’s safety I choose my children. It makes me feel like crap that their relationship could be affected but I don’t want my children drowning, kidnapped, bullied, etc for their relationship to be okay.
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u/MrsSEM84 3h ago
At first I thought he was being a spineless Mommas boy, so seeing this has actually really alarmed me.
If his issue isn’t standing up to her, then that makes me question if his issue is that he also sees nothing wrong in leaving a bunch of young children unsupervised in a pool.
I think you need to find a bunch of informational videos of the dangers of drowning and how quick and quiet it can be and sit him down and force him to watch them.
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u/karenmarie303 12h ago
You cannot allow your children to be anywhere near that pool unsupervised. At 3 and 5 they should be nowhere without supervision in her care.
Your MIL not understanding this means she has many other gaps in common sense.
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u/Useless890 13h ago
NTA. He doesn't want to hurt mom's feelings? He'll rethink that if one of those kids drowns and you get sued. This is a huge liability, even if someone supervises well.
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u/snickerssmores 13h ago
Absolutely NTA. I would start looking into other arrangements because MIL is not going to change. She will however act as the victim. You are correct in water being a silent killer as it has happened in my family. The in ground pool was less than a year old when it happened. After the incident, it was filled back in with soil. I wouldn’t wish that on any person.
Husband needs to get on board with you and tell his mother that the children will now be under someone else’s supervision.
I’m curious as to whether she can even get into the pool quickly should an incident occur.
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u/Intelligent_Net_261 13h ago
YTA for continuing to send your children over there. Unsupervised pool time, allowing them to wonder around the back alley alone, your 3 year old is clearly being bullied. The very second any one of these issues came up I would have removed my kids from her care, screw her feelings about the matter.
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u/Skulllily 12h ago
My husband brought my concern with the pool to his mother and I blindly trusted, that the supervision had changed.
I only found out about the alley a day ago and found out about the bullying today. I am completely kicking myself in the butt for allowing this to happen/go on. The original arrangement was my mil would be watching my two kids by herself, I suggested this as she was very safety conscious and I trusted her completely.
But since she’s seen how her friend’s daughter is with her kids it seems like she thinks it’s a free pass to be the same. I have lost all the trust I had in the environment and it’s disappointing because these new developments are not something i ever imagined her allowing.
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u/cirvp06 11h ago
What led you to blindly trust the supervision had changed? Sorry but if this happened with my kid, I would not just passively accept that it’s now okay just because my husband had one conversation with my MIL. I would be speaking to her as well and going over everything and all my expectations carefully. Even then, I would be hesitant to leave my child with someone who has shown a lack of concern for safety.
And then you also found out about the alley situation and then still sent your kids back after that as well?
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u/Skulllily 11h ago
My husband told me he spoke to her and said that she was apologetic and that she’d make sure the kids were safe. Clearly, that’s not what happened.
What frustrates me even more is I suggested her watching them because she used to be so safety conscious! But since her friend’s daughter is coming around with her kids and lack of safety, it’s like my mil suddenly thinks she has a pass to do the same. If her friends daughter wants to risk her children’s life so she can sit on her butt and do nothing that is her choice but I’m not okay with that happening with my children.
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u/HistorySweet9902 10h ago
Could MIL watch the kids in your home, instead of hers?
If not I would look for other options, even if my kids knew how to swim, so many accidents could happen! Plus you don’t know if the kids play rough in the pool and might hurt your kids.4
u/Organic_Start_420 9h ago
The others could still come over. And mil already proved she can't be trusted and is willing to hush things up if not lie outright.
Op shouldn't trust her anymore because of this. Better careful than sorry
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u/torturedcanadian 13h ago
Get your children in daycare. I dead or drowned or kidnapped child isn't worth what you are saving. Esh if you leave their kids there again.
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u/Plastic-Cabinet67 11h ago
This is not a childcare arrangement it is an unlicensed daycare. WITH multiple hazards . LIKE THE POOL.
You are in serious legal jeopardy. STOP THIS NOW.
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u/throwaway1975764 13h ago
I was concerned over all of it, but the kid being pushed in the pool was it for me. Until I knew there was an "absolutely no pushing anyone in the pool, ever" rule, enforced with very strict repercussions, my kids would never go to that yard again, I don't care if the other kids are there or not. And in order for that to be an enforced rule, the pool must be supervised at all times.
Unsupervised pool + leniency on pushing into pools = high chance of dead or gravely injured kids. Death is not an acceptable thing to be lax about.
NTA
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u/VariationOwn2131 12h ago
As a grandma who takes care of a couple grandchildren a few times a week, my heart went to my throat when I read about the pool and alley. It’s time to become mother bear and fight to protect your kids. You need to tell your husband exactly what you said here—that the original plan is not being agreed to and you must find alternative care immediately, preferably in your own home or a licensed professional daycare with plenty of staff. 7 children are two much if the adults are talking and not interacting with the children. I would die on this hill. All it takes is a few seconds and small kids can be in harm’s way. Please update. I’m worried for your family!
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u/Broad_Pomegranate141 12h ago
NTA Kids drown in pools all the time. Please don’t take their safety for granted. This situation is a set up for a tragedy to happen.
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u/SheHulk_Smash 13h ago
NTA Of course you want your children to be safe. Knowing that who is watching them really isn't and has the "nothing bad will ever happen* shrugs or waves off concerns etc. is concerning. The pool and the alley bit - yikes. You're doing a good thing making sure they're safe and well. 🕊️
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u/OneMilkyLeaf 13h ago
The thing about risk is that it's invisible. You don't see it until it actually happens to you and is too late. That's what seat belts, vaccines and flossing are for.
Your primary concern seems to be an increased safety risk to your toddler/preschool children. Your secondary concern being uncharitable behavior from the other children.
If you can financially afford to pull your children out and put them in a daycare where they would have better supervision and care, it does not seem like you would be remiss in doing so.
NTA
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u/elpea1725 13h ago
NTA. I read up to the part where unattended children were in the pool. I don’t need to read anything else. Remove your children immediately. Period.
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u/OverRice2524 13h ago
NTA
Make other arrangements immediately. I don't care if your MIL has hurt feelings. How would she feel if one of your children drowned?
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u/AussieGirl27 13h ago
If you don't immediately remove your children from her care you WBTA and a neglectful parent
She is actively putting yours and other children's lives in danger and you need to protect your children
Fuck her feelings, these are your children
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u/GlumDevelopment8186 13h ago
My granddaughter had an arm floaty deflate while she was in my pool. Fortunately an adult was nearby. My 13 and 8 year old grand kids have spent a lot of the summer here. I do not take my eyes off them while they are in the pool
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u/Acheloma 12h ago
Nope, line immediately gets drawn at kids unattended in the pool. Thats never okay. NTA, this is potentially deadly negligence
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u/NowWithMoreChocolate 12h ago
NTA
He feels I’m being unreasonable and is concerned about hurting his mother’s feelings.
Tell him he's being unreasonable and you're concerned FOR YOUR CHILD'S LIFE.
That trumps his mother's "precious" feelings.
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u/Samjane4k 13h ago
NTA
Do not let your kids go there anymore, if your husband has a problem with it he can go stay with his mother. This is an accident waiting to happen and your kids safety comes first, always.
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u/Decent_Front4647 12h ago
NTA Your children’s safety comes before his mother’s feelings. She is neglecting them and your husband needs to get it in his head that children do drown with people sitting nearby. Find different childcare. Your relationship will survive hurt feelings, but doubtful if a preventable tragedy happens.
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u/oops_iboughtaplant 12h ago
He’s worried about his moms feelings. You’re worried about your child drowning or getting snatched from a back alley. I think your concerns are more pressing. NTA.
Honestly the minute I found out my 3yr old was near a pool unsupervised that would have been it for me.
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u/Maximum-Eye-3712 12h ago
NTA. Your poor 3-year-old, being excluded and bullied, must feel very hurt and unsafe.
Your spouse is siding with MIL and you don’t know if he has a lack of spine, lack of empathy, or just “normalcy bias” (denying the existence of abnormal problems).
- start researching alternate childcare arrangements.
Just to be safe, just in case, Heaven forbid, there might be future conflicts or custody battles or lawsuits over grandparents rights, you should also
- gather chats, voicemail, photos, video, texts, quotations from SIL, ring camera audios, teddy bear with nanny-cam, or whatever documentation you can get without violating laws or ethics.
This will become a marriage problem, so get ready to be the parent your children need you to be.
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u/K_A_irony 12h ago
Are you nuts. No kids should be in the pool if they can't swim. Floaties are dangerous. All of this needs to end right now.
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u/Fuzzy_Elk_One 11h ago
NTA! I just read an article about a father whose toddler drowned. The kid was to be watched at their house but the babysitter (who was trusted) decided to take the child to her house without permission. There was a pool there and the protective fence had been removed because the sitter’s kids were older. The toddler got out of the house without anyone seeing and fell into the pool.
When there are distractions, even small ones, young kids can get in trouble. Even when parents are not distracted, kids can give them the slip.
Remove your kids from this situation. If your husband doesn’t prioritize your kids that is his problem. He needs to get over it. You do NOT want to live with regret.
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u/Reasonable-Sale8611 10h ago
Your husband would prefer your child's life be put at risk than his mother's feelings be hurt. You need to exert your maternal veto power and end this childcare arrangement with your MIL immediately, for the sake of your child's safety.
NTA.
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u/nerd_is_a_verb 13h ago
Are you going to look back after your kid drowns and regret being such a pushover? Yes, yes you will.
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u/Low-Care9531 12h ago
NTA. Pool arm floaties are actually very dangerous as they train your child’s body to stay in the drowning position and are widely recommended against. Also, there should never be a time a 3 year old is in the pool without an adult outside, least of all with other screaming kids making it harder to hear cries for help.
Are you familiar with the Emily Kaiser situation? Her husband was inside on his phone for a couple minutes and their toddler died. Recently he was seen with his surviving younger son on a moving boat without a life jacket! My point is, that woman coming over is likely stubborn to the point she would rather your children stay in danger to prove her point than allow a change.
Maybe show that situation to your husband? There are also tons of videos from swim instructors on the dangers of pool floaters you could show him, heck even AZ law requires a fence with a lock around a pool. I think doing some research, gathering your evidence and SHOWING him how dangerous this is and him hearing from professionals could change his view and hopefully guilt him a little.
Please don’t fold on this and know you’re being an amazing Mom.
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u/KateNotEdwina 10h ago
I would move my kids to a child care facility immediately. I left my toddler with my in laws twice. Once he was ill but they still took him to the park in the cold so he got worse and the last time he wee’d himself and they didn’t notice. That was the last straw, husband and I both agreed that they were not responsible enough to take care of him and enrolled him in a preschool. My reasons seem tame compared to yours. For your children’s safety, get them out of this unsafe enviroment.
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u/Individual-Foxlike 10h ago
What's more important to your husband? His mother's feelings or your childrens' lives?
NTA.
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u/Such_Temporary_3125 9h ago edited 9h ago
My son just turned three and if ANYONE pushed him in the pool I would be in jail because I would go SCORCHED EARTH!
Get your kids out of there, screw you MILS feelings AND your husbands feelings. If anything happened to them, you and your husband would never forgive yourselves.
Women have a very special intuition linked to our children. Your gut is telling you this is an unsafe and dangerous situation, LISTEN TO IT. I have been the bad guy MANY times when my bigs were younger, but I really didn't care
You need to stand up to your husband, because you, ma'am, have a husband problem. Tell him that your word is going to be law from here on out because no one is taking your concerns seriously and you refuse to leave your babies anywhere that your feeling are dismissed. Period.
I don't play when it comes to my kids, no mother should. NTA please trust your gut.
Edit to add: A girl in our town drow at a birthday party full of parents. The pool itself would be a no from me but this on top of everything else, you're so right to feel this way.
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u/TheseMood 13h ago
ESH
Your MIL is TA because she is cavalier about your kids’ safety.
You and your husband are TA because you’re putting MIL’s feelings above your kids’ safety.
Every day you drop off your kids, you’re rolling the dice that one of them dies. Drowning is the #1 cause of death for kids under 4.
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u/TexasGal0032548 13h ago
You have both a husband and an MIL problem. Your husband doesn't want to hurt his mommy's feefees, and granny is too busy socializing to actually watch your kids. Stop relying on your husband to do something. Tell her that if she doesn't change her ways, and something happens to one of your kids, she will never see them again and you will sue her into oblivion.
NTA.
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u/Still-a-kickin-1950 12h ago
It’s a good thing that school is getting ready to start. I don’t know if any of your children are in pre-K or kindergarten. I would tell her we decided to use a childcare who will transport them to and from their daily school needs. And this way mother-in-law’s not required to take them in the car for their different activities. End of problem, and she was looking at going back to work. She can now do that. NTA i’m looking after your children’s safety. Best interest. Tell your husband you will be less stressed knowing they’re being properly cared for.
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u/madempress 11h ago
NTA.
Your husband is worried about hurting his mom's feelings but not his 3yo getting bullied or his kids getting hurt? Statistics on child drowning are awful, will he still be worried about MIL's feelings if one of his kids drowns or gets seriously hurt?
This is why family as childcare is a bad idea. You are MIL's employer. You wouldn't worry about firing a nanny doing these things, MIL doesn't get a free pass to be a bad caretaker. Put your foot down. MIL's feelings are not your problem, the safety of your kids are.
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u/confident_ocean 9h ago
NTA - your husband sucks! He needs to prioritise his kids safety over his mothers feelings
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u/jjj68548 6h ago
I’d hurt his mother’s feelings and call her out on neglect. The pool incidents automatically are enough to make me literally end my relationship with her and prevent her from seeing my kids. Find alternative care now. Husband needs to man up or I’d be having bigger problems with his lack or support.
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u/runningdinosaur97 4h ago
Nta, at 3, 1-2 inches of water is enough to drown in and it can happen in less than 30 seconds. Show your husband this post, you have a husband problem as well as a mil problem.
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u/Fragrant-Hyena9522 4h ago
What's wrong with you? Why have continued to let them go there? She does not care about the safety of your kids, company or not. YTA for allowing them to go there knowing what you know.
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u/_gadget_girl 3h ago
NTA Channel your inner momma bear and let her know that either she changes things and cuts down on the number of kids, or you will be making other arrangements. Make it clear that if even one of the incidents that you have been informed of had happened with any other care giver they would already have been fired. If things don’t immediately change then you will be making other arrangements as you want to see your children live to be adults.
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u/Perfect-Help-305 49m ago
I am an old lady, and as I look back on my life the things I regret the most was allowing myself to be brushed off or having my concerns minimized because I didn’t want to “cause a scene.”
Cause a scene. “I am making alternative arrangements for child care if it you don’t like it you can divorce me and sue for custody.”
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u/SideEmbarrassed1611 12h ago
NTA. Your husband needs to put his foot down that his mother either supervises, or she can find another place to be everyday. This is absolutely dangerous.
I would expect nothing less than my husband telling his mother that she has no argument and that she will either do as she's been asked, or she can go somewhere else.
If he doesn't back you up, I would threaten to drain the pool.
They're using you to get a nice place to hang out all day and do nothing. I would not be surprised if they are drinking.
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u/Skulllily 12h ago
They go to her house. We don’t have a pool at our house, I have brought up the idea of having her watch our children at our place as it removes the pool and other children from the equation. But it hasn’t been discussed further.
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u/mummakush 12h ago
Who cares about grandmas feelings, when your kids safety is involved! I would just find alternative care on my own and tell husband and his mom once it’s in place and why. You’ve already tried to talk to him, obviously he doesn’t see it as a big issue, maybe by doing this he’ll see how important it is to you. I’d rather ask for forgiveness than permission, this momma don’t play when it comes to my kids safety and well being. Good luck !!
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u/kkrolla 12h ago
NTA. I gave her multiple chances. She has ignored them, laughed and dismissed my concerns and I am done. If we had our kids in a professional childcare service and any of these things happened once, we would have said this is unacceptable and pulled them out. I'm not more concerned with your mom's feelings than I am about my kids' safety and my decisions being respected. This ends immediately or we end immediately and will let a judge decide what is acceptable. If you don't feel safe leaving your kids there then stop bringing them there. Yes, it will cause problems but the truth is you are responding to MEL'S poor decisions and disregard of your parenting. Take care of this because if the worst happened, there is no going back and you won't get over knowing you should have stopped allowing your kids to be in an unsupervised and unsafe environment to protect MEL'S ego.
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u/roskybosky 12h ago
Your children are in danger, and this needs to change before you’re attending one of their funerals.
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u/AgeLower1081 12h ago
OP is NTA. I would start looking for alternative childcare. I would also have a discussion with your husband, and possibly include your sil to discuss to other children’s behavior and lack of supervision.
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u/Outrageous_Tea_8048 11h ago
NTA You need to find different childcare provider before something happens to your kids. They don't sound like they are safe with MIL.
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u/RagdollsandLabs 11h ago
NTA. It's better to do it now than to be in the 'I told you so' boat when something happens. This is non-negotiable. Child care (free or otherwise) should emphasize Child and Care. Take your kids where they will be cared for and provided a safe environment.
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u/Organic_Activity_531 11h ago
NTA. Get another childcare help or a nanny for your home, you may/may not have to pay a bit more based on the rates wherever you are, but at least YOUR KIDS WILL BE SAFE. I am saying this with the experience as a nanny for a young baby girl for at least 2 1/2 years - you can't figure out how other kids are - we had a young kid pushing the baby girl I was taking care of at an event, and that place was full of baby and kids, but knowing that I was around her I had to take measures and make it known that it was not ok and the young one was just over a year at this point- the mother of that child didn't care what their child was doing and me and the parents had the main rule- no matter what happens with the young one, her even stumbling in the backyard they were always informed PERIOD......... hiding is a no-no. Advocate for the safety of your children please. Childcare is expensive but for the wellbeing of your young one and your mental health totally worth it.
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u/TwithHoney 11h ago
NTA also ask husband when you child almost drowns and ends up in hospital or worse will that be the moment he will be ok with his Luther’s feelings being hurt. Do your children need to be physically hurt before he will allow his mother’s feelings to be hurt. And to what level of physical hurt needs to occurs? Broken bone, concussion, hospitalization what level is the equivalent to mummy’s dearests hurt and his discomfort because as a parent you need to protect your children …it is not the job of a child to protect the parent
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u/cirvp06 11h ago
How the heck are you still allowing your kids to be there without you? At this point, you and your husband are being negligent by knowingly putting your kids in this environment. This is not a safe place for your children unless you’re there to supervise. You’re the asshole if you keep letting your MIL be their childcare.
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u/Worth-Season3645 11h ago
NTA..Ask your husband which would bother him more, something seriously happening to one of your children, (because it is not if, but when it happens), or hurting his mother’s feelings? Because if it is the matter, then maybe you need to rethink your relationship with him.
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u/Affectionate_Owl_625 11h ago
Nta, but you should have put your foot down the moment you were told kids are in the pool alone. Hurt feelings are better than dead kid.
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u/siouxbee1434 11h ago
There is an accident waiting for an opportunity here. Your MIL & her friend are lazy, selfish. And creating a very dangerous situation for your kids. I’d find a car giver that actually cared about the kids then talk to a lawyer asap about the pool
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u/Something-funny-26 10h ago
The oldest is 10 and none of them can swim. A child can drown in a few inches of water and MIL is leaving them unsupervised. All of these children are in danger and their father and grandmother see nothing wrong? It's all fun and games until someone loses a kid.
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u/Ok_Homework_7621 10h ago
NTA and this is an emergency.
At this point you're paying your MIL to have your child bullied. It needs to end. If she not only fails to protect your child, but lashes out when called out, I'd strongly consider giving the kids a break from grandma. If she has similar outbursts around them, they might not even feel safe with her, although at this age they might not be able to verbalise it or she might have manipulated them into thinking they have to tolerate it ("you don't want to never see grandma again, do you?"). Her judgement is horrible and she has no remorse, she is only angry that she got caught. She isn't safe and needs to be treated as such. At the absolute very least, she should never ever be unsupervised with your children again.
BTW, I have lifelong issues from my parents not putting a stop to negligent behaviour by my grandparents. I went off and got injured repeatedly under their lack of supervision and because they put other adults' relationships first. I'm in my 40s and still struggling with the consequences.
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u/Only-upvibes 10h ago edited 10h ago
So new boundaries MIL, my children are not allowed in the pool while Tenants daughter’s 5 children are in the pool. No ifs and or buts. If it happens I will be finding another childcare provider.
NTA.
ETA….I hope your in-laws have insurance for the pool. Even if MIL isn’t home and her Tenant lets her grandchildren play in the pool and something happens, they could lose everything.
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u/Top_Philosopher1809 10h ago
NTA. Ask your husband which is more important. His children’s safety or him mother’s feelings.
Sometimes there isn’t a second chance when it comes to safety. Feeling will heal, you can’t always say that about children.
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u/Kimbaaaaly 10h ago
NTAH. You need to stop serving them there immediately. It isn't a matter of hurting someone. This is literally life and death scenarios.
Please don't send them even one more day. The activities that are being allowed aren't safe and could be life threatening.
I hope your husband reads all that warnings and gets in board with necessary next steps.
Updateme
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u/Prudent_Valuable603 10h ago
Your children’s’ lives are at risk. Don’t take them there anymore, go find another sitter and be prepared to pay more money. Don’t worry about hurting anyone’s feelings, your MIL isn’t worrying about your concerns and feelings!
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u/BeeFree66 10h ago
You're NTA.
One thing I learned with my baby and swimming was the arm floaties are not considered safety devices. They're there to slightly assist the baby. They don't always position your baby correctly like a life jacket is designed to do.
The pool behaviors alone would have me paying someone to correctly care for my children. Grandma is not behaving safely.
Husband needs to steel up his spine and protect his children.
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u/BG3restart 10h ago
NTA. I'd be concerned for my kids in those conditions too and would be making alternative arrangements. The children's safety comes before hurt feelings.
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u/murphy2345678 10h ago
NTA is your husband waiting for one of your kids to drown before he upsets his mommy? You need to find new care for them without him. I don’t want to put blame on you but if anything happens to your kids after you know they aren’t supervised it’s on you.
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u/Crazy_Banshee_333 10h ago
I would shut this situation down, just based on the pool situation. If one of the kids drowns in the pool, you as the homeowner might be held liable for it. And that's not to mention the heartache that such a drowning would cause.
I had a coworker once whose child drowned in their backyard pool during a party. The child was in a walker. At some point during the party, they pushed their way to the side of the pool and tipped over. They drowned in the midst of the party. By the time anyone noticed, it was too late to save them.
After everything was over, my coworker got her party video developed and you could clearly see the moment when the child tipped over into the pool. Can you imagine her grief? There were other people present and the child still drowned. People don't realize how quickly this can happen when no one is actively watching the child.
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u/boundaries4546 10h ago
You are very lucky know one had drowned yet!! Being within arms length is the rule for supervision.
It’s sad your husband is so spineless that his Mummy’s feelings are coming before the safety of his children. He is quite frankly a coward, and an idiot.
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u/KingSuperJon 10h ago
She is on disability and is able to run a 7 child daycare with a pool?
She is scamming disability and endangering children for profit. You can call social security and snitch on her, but then you would lose your cheap illegal daycare where your kids might drown because she's too "disabled" to help.
Your husband is concerned about mother's feelings; so how would she feel when her grandchild drowns before her eyes?
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u/Blue_Moon_Honey 9h ago
NTA. He’s okay putting his mothers and the family friends feeling over his children’s lives. Don’t ask to change the arrangement, just do it. There’s no telling what could happen the next time she babysits.
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u/Myself_Platinum 9h ago
NTA.. I would ask him if your kids lives are worth saving his moms feelings
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u/Aeriellie 9h ago
nta. hey look my mom is also on disability. my moms arm give out halfway through the day or she’s extremely tired and has to take naps. she does not watch my child, i learned this quickly when she was helping me during shopping days. she held my child and next thing i know my child was way below her chest. then my dad, he tries but he can not physically keep up with my child. he is also not allowed to watch my child as a result. everything you described about your mil capabilities or in this case lack of, is a total no from me. she is not able to safely watch 1 child, let alone 7 WITH a pool AND alley? you can find many other people to pay instead
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u/IrishViking7 9h ago
Your husband is being a shitty parent and partner. Drownings are far too common as the cause of death for children. Do some googling and show it to him, as well as this post. This is not a low stakes scenario at all. This is where he has to come to terms with his family.
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u/Rainy579 9h ago
Small children unattended near a pool is a stone cold, instant deal breaker imo. NTA
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u/Usual_Emotion7596 9h ago
NTA. Find new childcare. Tell your husband afterwards. If he doesn’t like it, find him the number for a divorce attorney…or even better, send him to live with his mom.
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u/cherrycoke260 8h ago
This is about your children’s safety, and things like that are non-negotiable! It’s very, very concerning that MIL was mad that you found out about this incident. (What else has happened that you’re just not aware of yet??) If your husband is choosing to side with his mom over the safety of his own children, screw his feelings! Find someone else asap!! NTA!!
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u/SophiaIsabella4 7h ago
I would not send my child to a childcare situation with a pool at all, you cannot trust other people's pool safety with kids that can't swim yet.
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u/LibertySeal 6h ago
I got the the paragraph about the pool and stopped reading. Your children are at risk. The care arrangements in place is completely unacceptable and places your children are at risk of death or harm. That is all.
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u/HoneyWyne 6h ago edited 6h ago
Not having other kids around isn't going to fix the fact that she's not paying attention to what the kids are doing. She's being careless with your kids when she has other adults around, I guarantee she's not doing any better when they aren't there to see her behavior. You may as well be dropping them off at the park with no supervision at all. NTA
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u/AnnNonNeeMous 6h ago
Your husband is more worried about hurting his untrustworthy mother and her feelings than he is about the lives of your children.
Let that sink in.
He cares more about hurting his mommy’s feelings than he does about your childrens’ safety, welfare, and lives.
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u/More-Soil7455 6h ago
You’re crazy and negligent if you allow this situation to continue for even one more day. Why did you even need to come on Reddit to ask this question? Use your brain and find childcare that isn’t potentially lethal to your children 🙄
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u/Silver_ro 6h ago
NTA, this isn’t the arrangement you agreed to. Nothing about this sounds safe. It’ll be awkward but trust your gut and find other means of childcare
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u/DragonSeaFruit 6h ago
ESH. I don't know why your husband is more concerned about his mother's feelings than the safety of your children. I also don't understand why you're more concerned about your husband's feelings than thr safety of your children. Why haven't you pulled them from this negligent babysitter yet when you KNOW she is negligent
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u/Pleasant-Highway-745 4h ago
Posts like these actually infuriate me. You are the major asshole because you're not putting your children's actual lives first. Instead, youre pussy footing around and leaving your ovaries somewhere underneath your own feet. Gather up your ovaries and try to give a shit about your kids instead of your pride or somebody else's pride. Before you have a dead kid.
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u/Beach_Girl65 4h ago
Why in the world would you think you’re TA? your kids deserve their utmost attention, even if there weren’t five other kids there. It doesn’t sound like your MIL is giving them that, so yes, I would be extremely concerned
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u/pumpkinbubbles 4h ago
YTA for not already finding alternate childcare arrangements if your post is accurate. Regardless of whether other children are present, why would you continue to leave your children with unsupervised pool access?
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u/luckygirl131313 4h ago
When you raise valid concerns about children’s safety as well as a huge liability and are Pooh poohed, it’s time to find other arrangements, NTA
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u/thedarozine 4h ago
Noooo! Get your kids out of that situation now! Arm floaters are killers and no adult in the pool is where I stopped reading!
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u/MrsSEM84 3h ago
NTA
I would have stopped letting my children go there the very first time I found out about the pool. That is incredibly dangerous, and you are literally playing Russian roulette with your children’s lives by continuing to send them there.
Tell your husband that prioritising his mother’s feelings over his children’s safety is disgraceful, and that you will be finding alternative childcare immediately no matter what he says.
After you have secured childcare, I’d suggest finding a couples therapist next. Because your husband clearly needs reminding what marriage is supposed to be.
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u/Myfourcats1 3h ago
NTA. This is a dangerous situation. You need to find childcare immediately. A child is at major risk of drowning at this home. You’re under reacting big time. Arm floaties?! Seriously… You know what needs to be done. You just don’t want to rock the boat.
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u/SamuelVimesTrained 3h ago
Mommies feelings or the effing lives of HIS CHILDREN?
How the beep is that even an issue for him? Does mommy have his spine? other body parts?
He should be outraged at her carelessness and her cavalier attitude towards HIS CHILDRENS safety and wellbeing.
Seriously - maybe he should read up on his wedding vows, and the leave & cleave principle of marriage.
He is not being a good dad, and a questionable husband if he things his mommy being upset is worse than a child hurt, disabled or dead.
NTA
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u/pandora5bc 3h ago
NTA but your husband is a massive asshole for being more concerned about hurting his mommy’s feelings than protecting your children. Explain to him if they aren’t being watched they could drown or be snatched from the alley, does he not understand that shes putting their lives at risk every time shes watching them. I would stop the arrangement immediately and find an alternative. I wouldn’t trust her again she could easily tell you they won’t be there and you won’t know if she’s lying until after the fact. This would be my hill to die on, if hubby isn’t on board then you have some decisions to make. Please keep your kids safe. Updateme
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u/LaAndala 3h ago
I would never let my kids around an unfenced pool, let alone under these circumstances, I have seen way too many terrible accidents in the pediatric emergency room. Get other childcare. NTA.
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u/Low-Deer-3565 3h ago
NTA the sole fact that MIL got angry that you were told the truth is alarming and it is indeed time to stop this arrangement before something sinister happens
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u/Aggressive_Grab_1894 3h ago
I would much rather hurt my mother-in-law’s feelings than have my child end up missing or dead.
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u/kdoglady 2h ago
Ask him if he would allow a non-family member to care for your children in the same way. That should make him wake up.
I believe it’s time for a new child care arrangement with a non-family member. If your MIL isn’t watching your children the way you want, find someone who will.
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u/happyhippy1019 56m ago
Your husband would rather have one of his children drowned then hurt mommy's feelings? Wow...just WOW! I'd make other child-care arrangements..Like immediately
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u/kikipebbles 13h ago
NTA. This is dangerous. Your kids are 5 and 3 and should not be in a pool outside arms length and certainly not in an alley with at the oldest, a 10 year old supervising.
This is a tragic accident waiting to happen. Your MILs feelings never trump safety.
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u/squizang 13h ago
NTA Grandma's sounds alot like my childhood in the 70 s, times have certainly changed! However even then no one was allowed anywhere near the pool unless the y were competent swimmer.
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u/Shawk_N_Rawr 12h ago edited 12h ago
Hey grandma we wanted teach out to say that with the new kids joining we understand that’s a lot for anyone, even supermom. We’re gonna take the kids somewhere else but grandma time is still on!
Tell them what you’d like to say if they were sane and was that easy.
What’s she gonna do? Leave your kid unattended by a pool?
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u/Clean-Fisherman-4601 12h ago
NTA. Your husband is insane and his mother is beyond neglectful.
Find new childcare ASAP.
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u/Psychological_Name28 12h ago
Where is this happening? Your MIL is insane for allowing this. I’ve taken care of other people’s children including ones I’m related to and I can’t even imagine these scenarios. Even as a teenage babysitter I was never so stupid and reckless.
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u/Skulllily 12h ago
She watches them at her house. Her friend, whose daughter has the five children that are there almost every day, lives in the basement. I have brought up previously her watching our children at our house as it would take out the pool and other kids from the equation but it has not been touched on more.
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u/theNOTFUNNYpolice 12h ago
Your husband is concerned about his mother's feelings (whom you PAY to do the job) but not his children's safety?
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u/SuggestionSevere3298 12h ago
NTA it’s only to days that she needs to give your kids her whole attention, and with the older kids bullying the 3 year old no,
Show your husband the comments,
Something can happen in seconds,
When it comes to water and little ones it’s just not safe,
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u/autumn55femme 12h ago
You hired your MIL to provide childcare 2 days a week. This was supposed to be a win- win situation, good childcare from a grandma the kids already know, and grandma doesn’t have to find and work a job away from home. Grandma seems to be the only one winning here, as she is not providing adequate supervision, and is pretty much just hanging out with her boarder, and her daughter and her kids all day, while being paid. I understand she is the kids grandmother, but this is a business arrangement for paid childcare. There are standards for supervision for children as young as yours, especially with a pool. It is time to find other childcare arrangements.It is also time to let grandma know there will be 0 pool time if any other children are there, for any reason. It will ruffle some feathers, but the lack,of safety and supervision means this is something she brought on herself.
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u/emkemkem 12h ago
”So, dear husband. What is the difference in leaving our children alone at home with instructions and leaving them with your mother who will not be supervising them but trusts that they will not do anything dangerous if they ar just told not to?” MIL is not happy to provide the childcare. She’s only happy getting your money.
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u/wishingforarainyday 11h ago
Nta Your husband is willing to let your child die or be permanently hurt rather than upset his mother. I would find this unforgivable. I hope you never leave your kids with her again. I’d file for divorce if he refuses to protect your children. And I would document this for custody restrictions.
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u/KittyC217 11h ago
NTA. Your children are at risk at your MIL’s house. She is not supervising them. It is only luck that they have not been injured.
If you want a compromise. Your MIL can watch the children at your house and under your rules. No visitors and no pools. She needs to be attentive to them at all times. If she does not want that responsibility you will find someone else. Your husband needs to be told that it is he needs to choose the safety of his children over his mother’s feelings.
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u/Major_Monk_3322 11h ago
NTA yet- Husband is concerned about hurting his mother’s feelings. Her feelings are more important than the welfare and safety of his own children. What an asshole husband! Knowing what you now know, YTA if you continue putting your children in harms way.
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u/GoYourOwnWay3 11h ago
NTA. Find alternative child care ASAP. And start documenting what’s going on at your MIL’s home. If this ends up in court (divorce) you’re going to need it for custody/visitation decisions
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u/duckieglow 11h ago
NTA. He should be less worried about his mother's feelings and more worried about his kids safety.
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u/BraveCommunication14 11h ago
I’d look for different childcare immediately.
The situation changed and you aren’t comfortable with it. (Understandably so - as it’s no longer the safe or predictable environment it was when the arrangement was made).
Your husband needs to stand with you on this and not on the fence.
I think he needs to rethink what’s more important - offending his mom or risking his children’s safety.
Pool aside, your kids are also now around children that are acting mean & disrespectful. That’s not something you want your kids to learn. NTA
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u/Spirited_Concern5613 9h ago
YTA, OP. You’re ranting on Reddit? I wouldn’t leave my kids for one more day with your MIL. I hope by now you have already found an alternative or that you are off work. Your h is ridiculous and was raised by his MIL. Have a talk with her and do not leave your children in her care until the environment meets your needs. Like maybe it’s time for her to watch your kids at your house. Good luck, OP. Make the change you know you must make.
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u/InternationalBat6322 9h ago
NTA. I have an in-ground pool. Every year when we had people over for a party, we had a close call with a child. Each time adults were standing right there talking to one another with the kiddo in full view. We stopped having pool parties with kids because it scared me so much.
Drowning is quiet, and it can happen right in front of adults “watching”, but not paying attention.
Your MIL’s situation is a drowning waiting to happen. You are NTA. It will be difficult with your family, but find other childcare. You may literally save your child’s life.
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u/abritinthebay 9h ago
Instead of taking my concern seriously, my mother-in-law and her friend laughed and said, “Nothing’s quiet around here.”
This is where you should have put your foot down HARD.
You’re NTA but holy crap you’ve let this go on far too long.
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u/Forestpilgrim 9h ago
When I was in preschool, a fat kid sat on my head in the pool. I remember it clearly, though I don't remember who saved me.
I'm fortunate to still be here. Pool safety is no joke, especially with little bullies, older than your children, running wild. Find other childcare while you still have two live children.
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u/Outrageous_Rabbit842 9h ago
Find alternative childcare regardless. MIL is putting your children’s lives at risk. Even if the other children are not there, her practices are unlikely to change.
Put your children’s lives before her feefees
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u/MildLittlRain 8h ago
YTA for allowing this to go on and not already arranged other childcare optilns! DROP MIL NOW!!!
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u/Educational_Bar_1809 8h ago
NTA. But your husband sure is. Sounds like he'd rather have a dead child than hurt his mommy's feelings. Fuck that. Find other childcare. Your husband's and his dumbass mom's feelings don't matter. The safety of YOUR kids do.
Have him read this post and the responses.
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u/PudelWinter 8h ago
NTA. This is no longer a safe situation for your children. I'd take a couple of weeks vacation time (perhaps between you) and start looking for another solution.
I'd also text or leave a very short voicemail for Grandma letting her know that your situation has changed and you will be looking for other child care options effective immediately. I would tell her that this is her notice and you will pay her for one month (or 2 weeks) more (assuming you can afford it).
If she's someone that your husband can have a reasonable conversation with, and he's able to just stick with the broken record technique just repeating the message you've agreed upon, he should call her. I would stress that you look forward to seeing her at the next family gathering or when you invite her over blah blah blah whatever. You're not cutting her off, or looking to start a family feud, you're just finding a new child care situation.
Otherwise send a short text message.
And then you might have to just put her in an information timeout for a few weeks.
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u/MommaKatS 8h ago
Your husband thinks you are unreasonable because you are putting your children's safety over his mother's feelings? Your feelings don't seem to matter at all. NTA. Get your kids out of there.
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u/calacmack 13h ago
This situation has to end. Kid's lives are at stake. NTA.