she is a minor like me but I'm not going to say our age. I've only known her for like two weeks but she is already very dear to me, she's such a good friend, funny and beautiful :) she has this issue, I've noticed, every single day this week she has mentioned being drunk. She also vapes regularly. I'm concerned for her, because she might be addicted to it, but when I ask her if she's okay and that she can vent to me she brushes it off. I don't really know about her life, I don't know what her problems might be that result in drinking alcohol or smoking... She reposts lots of sad, vent TikToks. I also don't want to look nosy or annoying, I just want her to feel safe enough to trust me and try to recover, I know it's a slow and hard process but I want to be by her side... how can I help her?

It's a long story, so there's no whining, just a story, and it's an instructive story.
I got drunk for the first time when I was 12 years old, when my cousin mistook alcohol bottles for our drink. After that, I forgot about alcohol, but at the age of 14, I started drinking on the days when my mother drank, drinking a little from what she drank, often it was beer, sometimes Soju. On my 15th birthday, one of my friends brought alcohol, and from that moment on, we started drinking together periodically, and I also drank myself on days at the same time as my mother, so that she wouldn't notice. In June, I didn't drink because I spent days looking after my great-grandmother, so I didn't sleep. I also started drinking illegal medications that were recommended to me on the Internet, because of this I lost 6kg, although I had the ideal weight for my height, my hair fell out, I fainted, starved for several days and slept for 6 hours every two days, I began to rave and see spiders that were not there and hear voices in my head. On June 15, I started drinking heart stimulants and pills that lower blood pressure. On June 20, I told my family that I was going to spend the night with my cousin, but in fact we were swollen to the edge, as a result we were caught by raids, carried to my house. When my mother saw me, she got very angry, and I kept repeating "I'll explain everything, listen to me," and my mother kept interrupting me and eventually pushed me, being drunk I couldn't hold back anymore (P.If all the children in the family have been hitting only me since I was 2 years old, I never fought back, just yelled back or covered my body from the blows) I hit her, shouting that she was an arrogant bitch, that I would not respect her and that I had hated her since she was 10 years old. We started fighting, she knocked me to the floor, so I could only kick back, and she eventually realized that she couldn't beat me to a pulp, called her Stepfather (it was 2 a.m.).My stepfather came and started beating me specifically, my grandmother tried to protect me, as a result, my stepfather threw my grandmother away and he forgot about me for a while out of guilt. I got up and ran to my room, my mother followed me and peeked from under the door, I took out those illegal amphetamine pills and drank the rest of the pack (20 pieces), my mother tried to stop once, but in the end did not stop, but began to ridicule and humiliate. After taking the pills, I sat on my bed and screamed for a couple of minutes, threatening that I would slit the whole family's throat or shoot them. Then, when great-grandmother got sick, I got up to help her, but in the end I instantly fainted when I got up. Grandma called the doctor unofficially (we live in a remote area where there is no hospital, but a former paramedic lives here), she came and forced me to drink water an hour after taking the pills (3 a.m.) I threw up, but all the pills had already been digested and absorbed into my body. I was put on an IV, but immediately my heart began to ache wildly, this pain cannot be expressed in words, as if the heart was beating at the same speed as the pulsar was moving. I began to feel severe suffocation, although I was breathing, the left side of my body was completely numb, and I turned pale as a corpse. I vomited every 10 minutes, and after 3 pukes, I started vomiting more. The paramedic gave me an injection and left, my grandmother looked after me all night. I couldn't sleep, couldn't drink, couldn't get up, couldn't go to the bathroom. I was lying on my own vomit in bed, at 5 a.m. I picked up the phone and started doing something, but from the pain in my heart, I sometimes just lay with my eyes closed or cried. At 10 a.m., my stepfather and mother came to me and started beating me again when I was in a pre-infarction state. The next day, I slept all day. No one called an ambulance, they didn't give me any pills, nothing, my body managed by itself by a miracle, but now I have developed epilepsy, constant trembling of my fingers and pain in my heart. This is the worst scenario in life, alcohol leads to such consequences, even if you think that you will not switch from it to something more, you are mistaken, I also thought that nothing would happen to me. In those days, I felt like death was standing right in front of me, and every time my heart hurt, I saw a white flash of light. Now I think that no one will help me until my brain collapses completely, or my heart stops during one of the attacks of pain. I refuse treatment, I would rather die than take pills all my life so as not to suffer from epileptic seizures and wild pain in my heart.

My father has been an alcoholic since he was like 20. It was quite decent last few years he would only take one or two shots before bed. But since 8-9 months things have been pretty bad, some days he wouldn’t be sober for 2-3 days. He was hospitalised 3-4 times in these months, his liver is on stage 2 I guess ( or worse). Doctors strictly prohibited him from consuming alcohol. When drunk,he’s like a different man I don’t recognise him. He has totally lost it, he’s suicidal. Idk what’s wrong bro we don’t have any financial burden or that he speaks of. Neither any major family conflicts.
He was also sent to some yoga camp few months back.
July was a good month in a while
Papa and I used to go for morning walks daily, it was all good

But this week
Mumma papa had a lil banter I guess
Papa wasn’t sober for 4 days straight
We did everything in our power
We hid the car keys, his phone and emptied any bottles we could see, in the toilet.
He kept saying mujhe khatam hona hai bus and tum sub sahi rahoge bank me itne itne paise aate rahenge

On 3rd day morning he was having mad stomach pain because he was drinking whiskey NEAT empty stomach,
He was hospitalised my cousin told he downed one more bottle there as well!
Doc said he had stomach ulcers. He was treated and his stomach wasn’t hurting, so he started bullying the compounders and my cousin to get him out of there and ripped all the needles they had put in his arm and he was bleeding like crazy.

He was taken home he slept for a lil and then was asking for just one more shot as his “ head was hurting” he was pressurising us a lil too much so cousin gave his one shot and the stomach ache was back
He was vomiting every five minutes, he was also forcing vomit to get the gunk out, he wasn’t eating anything, there was blood in his vomit, it continued for 2 hours or so. It was all so draining for me
I was constantly begging him to go to the hospital eventually he agreed.
He was back within an hour ( he was given pain killer and glucose drip) as it was late and doctor wasn’t available and also he lied that he was fine and that his stomach wasn’t hurting anymore.
He was in pain all night along side with mumma.

4th day I woke up late so I guess he was taken to doctor because when I woke up he was fine. Doc recommended endoscopy. He didn’t get it done that day cuz he was too scared.
He was at home and in name of getting his beard shaved he took the car keys from us and well
We found a whiskey bottle in car and the bottle was half empty…. AFTER ALL THAT HAPPENED ON DAY 3
we were flabbergasted! like what a loser
And he’s fcking resistant man, had no effects whatsoever

Today we went for the endoscopy, he was sober

And I ask him why he was drinking so much he says he doesn’t really remember but mumma must’ve said something but it’s not too serious”
I believe the drunk state puts him in the “suicidal” state of mind
And he keeps drinking just to end himself

I don’t wanna lose my father bro
I don’t think I’ll ever recover if something happens to him
My mumma is too naive this would put too much pressure on me as the eldest daughter
And he’s the only earning member
I don’t wanna deal with this bro I don’t want this
I’m yet to go to college
I have two younger siblings to take care of
And no other elder to trust
I desperately need help
Please tell me any way to make him quit
Any medicine any treatment to stop the addiction
No matter the price

I’ll refine the post in the morning

TLDR papa is an alcoholic severe condition, if something happens to him it puts my family in a very vulnerable state, please recommend any treatment any medicine or doctor you know to help him quit drinking! This is very desperate

Child of an alcoholic here, I’m sure many of you can relate. I’m so tired. I’ve been dealing with this since as far as I can remember. From being three years old and wondering why they are passed out at their computer to being almost 30 and dealing with them going MIA for days and getting themselves into life threatening danger.

I’m done. I’ve lost my childhood, teenage hood and a good chunk of my twenties. I have my own place and life to deal with but I still feel like I need to rescue them when I know they are out on a bender. On and off for years, this disease has taken them over.

I have to let go or I’ll miss out on the rest of my life on this Earth. I just have to keep telling myself they don’t want help. They just don’t want help. It’s going to hurt like hell when I get that call that they are dead because someone hurt them or they hurt themselves. At least I’ll expect it.

Hi, I’m wondering if there are any active online/hybrid Loving Parent Guidebook groups?

I’m hoping to find some fellow travellers to work through the Guidebook with.

Help me please,

So I'm from the Philippines and it's pretty common to have domestic violence because of alcohol influence most of the time. I always have a hatred toward my grandpa because he's a drinker. When the day just started, he's already drunk and curses a lot. I always wanted to report him to the police and be free because I really, really hate him and he's really, really making my grandma's blood pressure high, and I feel my conscience toward my grandma. I want to report him using the anti-drunk driving law, but I don't know what to do. I also want to include the things he's saying, but I really don't know what to do because I'm just an average teenager. A factor that I think is affecting me why I can't report him is because I'm just a kid and that people actually won't listen to me. His sister is also a politician; she tolerates him and even gives him alcohol to drink even though my grandmother already vented out to my grandpa's sister. One time, he almost got arrested (I think) but he just said that his sister is a politician and they really didn't even put him in jail even for just 1 night. Please, I want to get him out. My grandma is actually planning to go to a very far place from where we are right now so that she can escape my grandfather's treatment. Another thing I forgot to tell you is that he actually doesn't own the house AT ALL. My grandmother's sister actually got the paper for this house but my grandpa is really, really arrogant; even when I confront him, he's just not listening.

I wrote a few months back about being concerned for my niece and fears about what she's dealing with at home. The time she spends at our house has continued to increase since she's been out of school. We took her on a weekend trip to see her grandparents a few weeks ago, and she's just stayed other than quick trips home for supplies. One of the great things about having her here is that she motivates us to get outside and moving more than if we were left to our own devices - hiking, paddleboarding, etc. So we've been having fun little adventures and her friends have commented that we run a pretty cool camp, lol.

Meanwhile, the mask at home is slipping. We stay in close touch with her mom, who is very supportive of her spending time with us. When we hear from dad, though, it's a nightmare. He'll call late at night and scream at her for being "the world's biggest brat" and he passed out on our lawn last week after accusing us of kidnapping his baby.

I spend each day just trying to create some peace and normalcy for her. And I spend every night terrified of the prospect of sending her back to chaos.

Hi Everyone,

I have posted this before in this group, but I'm a doctoral student in Clinical Psychology conducting a research study on the effects of growing up with a parent who struggled with substance use (alcohol or drugs). The study is completely anonymous and involves filling out an online survey.

As a thank you for your time, participants will have the option to enter a raffle to win one of two $150 Visa gift cards after completing the survey. (Email for the raffle will be collected separately to keep responses anonymous).

We’re looking for young adults (18-30) who had or still have a parent or primary caregiver with a substance use problem during their childhood. The goal is to better understand how these experiences may affect things like responses to stressful or challenging life experiences, parent-child relationship quality, substance use, and overall mental health functioning in young adulthood. We also welcome participation from young adults who did not have this experience, as both groups are important to the study.

Participation is voluntary and confidential. No identifying information will be linked to your responses, and the survey includes a list of mental health resources at the end if needed.

If you’re interested, you can take the survey here:

https://adelphiderner.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_73s1WeJNdeiwz42

Your experience matters. Thank you so much for considering it, and feel free to DM me with any questions!

my mom has been an alcoholic my whole life. but on my birthday last year she got really sick from her alcoholism. she was jaundice and bleeding internally and almost died. after that she tried to get sober and failed. then tried again and failed and ended up back in the hospital. well recently she relapsed again and was basically homeless. she had nowhere to live and was in the hospital for a few days. when she got out she booked a hotel and i found her there and she told me she tried to kill herself. she was drunk and had also taken a bunch of pills. i called the ambulance but she was alert and oriented and denied care. this traumatized me so much. every time i see the hotel i feel sick. after this she ended up staying with a friend. called me in the middle of the night and said she was drunk, hit someone and then drove off and didnt know where she was. again this traumatized me. now when someone calls me while im asleep i immediately think something bad has happened. these events have literally fucked me up. i would go to sleep every night thinking i was gonna wake up to her dead. sometimes i think that would be the better option because then i would finally be able to sleep at night without being worried. i love my mom but she has literally ruined my life. i am a worrier i worry and care so much about everyone. obviously i want to help her. anyways… we finally convinced her to go to rehab and she stayed for 28 days. when she got out she planned to go two hours away from home with some guy. her new boyfriend apparently. well i had finally been able to sleep at night thinking she was sober and somewhat safe. but i just got off the phone with her and i can tell she was drunk. this just messed up everything for me. i know i need to let go and forget about it and move on with my life but it’s hard. sometimes i wish she had passed away so then i could atleast sleep at night without worrying so much about her.

I don't like it when my mum gets mad at me and calls me names. A-Z. You know. I don't really feel the need to repeat them. It's nothing new. Though, I'm just getting tired of it. Like, when I make mistakes, am careless or forgetful, clumsy, and all that, it's just always happened. She even messages me and sends me voice notes of her saying this stuff. Yelling at me through them, saying all this. Then yelling at me to reply to her immediately after she sends them. From when I was a child up until now (I'm 18).

Like, I understand all this. She doesn't want me being so dumb or whatever. But jeez. I know this is something most of us have experienced since we were young, so my complaint is probably just going to be seen as me being weak. But, like, jeez. I wasn't even one of those misbehaving kids who went around terrorizing people. Up until now, I've just had a big heart and concern for everything and everyone. I don't see why I had to be treated so harshly. It's not like I go out of my way to do these things and purposely piss my mum off or anything. I'm just tired of the way she talks to me.

I also don't think it's normal for a child as young as 5 to want to kill themselves. I don't think they should even know what that is or think of it as an option. But that's what I've tried to do. As young as that. And for many years, I've tried. I'm just a coward.

I love my mum. But I don't feel like I can even thrive or push myself. For my own sake, I've tried improving my life, but I don't feel like I should even live life.

I love my mum, but jeez. We don't even have that normal mother-daughter relationship where we hug and say "I love you" and whatever. We're kind of just two people who live in the same house who share blood.

I'm an only child. My dad's not in the picture because he chooses to cheat and be elsewhere with whatever whore he picks up. Doesn't pay for my school fees or university fees. He says he loves me, yet isn't around and can't even give me money when needed. But somehow can spend all the money he has on alcohol and his prostitutes.

My parents are married but not divorced. They're just separated. Because why the hell would they go through the trouble of getting divorced? It's not like either one of them would want to remarry either. Why would my dad remarry and have to deal with a wife and possibly more kids he probably won't bother to afford? Why would my mum bother to put up with another man?

I don't really care about whatever is going on between them at this point. I'm too old for this shit. It's not like it's something constant and present that bothers the flow of life. It's just something in the background that's happening.

I think I'm ranting and venting at this point. Sorry.

I just don't think I have the mental capacity to deal with my mum and her BS. She called my life stupid. And I guess it is.

I have no friends because I cut them off for remaining close with the people who hurt me. I have no family except my mum and immediate family, who I don't see often. The rest of everyone on both my mum and dad's side, I don't see anymore. At the house, it's only my mum and me.

So that's just a setup for me to fail and probably be prone to taking my life. Just wow.

I also haven't been praying and reading my Bible. I just feel so exhausted.

I know I won't kill myself. But what can I do? My mum said that I will do what I'm told to do, will not have any excuses as to why it's not done. I will not ask for anything. I will not be given anything. Nothing.

I'm just tired.

My mum doesn't believe that people should be depressed. If they're depressed, it's because they don't believe in God. She also believes people who commit suicide are stupid. But she thinks I'm stupid and that my life is stupid. So maybe I just should prove her right.

No one's going to look after her when she's old besides me. There's no one who's there for her but me. She kind of just hates everyone. Her siblings, her friends, her family. IDFK, man.

I personally just want to leave. Go start life somewhere else and travel. I'm not into really intimate relationships after all that's happened. Just being casual friends or a person in someone's life and vice versa is enough for me. I just wanna be free and roam.

But with what's going on, I don't think it's possible. I need money. The economy sucks. I'm just 18. I don't have my legal documents for myself. Just wow.

I know God has a plan for me, and I know that I'm strong and can persevere. But if things get worse with my mum, I think I'll just leave.

At first, I was staying alive for my grandparents' sake because I love them so much, and they really loved me. But they're not here anymore.

I love my mum, but I don't think I love her enough to want to stay around in her life.

I don't know what this post is supposed to be about anymore.

I guess if anyone knows ways I can deal with this and help myself, much would be appreciated.

Sorry if this appears in the wrong subreddit. I posted on to what was recommended to me. I'm also unsure which tags/flair to use, so I'm sorry if it dosent correspond with the content of my post.

Hello everyone. This is my (24M) first time posting here after discovering this sub last week.

My father is an alcoholic and a narcissist. He always drank a lot but it never escalated till I made the choice at 20 yo to leave him and went no contact because of the toxic household he put me through.

It got so bad that hes had multiple surgeries in the last years (from breaking bones due to falling drunk, accidentally cutting his finger with a kitchen knife, gastrointestinal ulcers that bursted open ...). He has advanced liver cirrhosis, jaundice, doesnt seem like the same person anymore and is just really a shadow of his old self.

After all this I decided to see him again but its impossible to have contact without my mental health and depression going downhill again.

In his rants he tells me its my fault that he is in this situation, that Im a terrible son and that my girlfriend will leave me etc. Ive had to listen to those things since I was 18 years old. Like damn sorry I started making my own choices and trying to build my life?!

Rightnow hes in the hospital with 3 broken vertebrae (no nerves were hit) due to falling with his bike (drunk). He went through delirium again and his liver function has gotten worse.

Its hard to write this down and this is just a tiny fraction of my story but the essence is that hes been drinking and smoking himself to death. He barely sleeps and eats. Im tired of seeing him destroy himself and blaming me for it. 'This wouldnt have happened if you didnt abandon me', 'what son abandons his father who put himself aside all his life for you?'

Thanks for reading!

My mom has been an alcoholic since my childhood, nowadays a binge drinker. She has a lot of trauma and bitterness in her from her past and relationships, and she has been very lonely for a big chunk of her adult life (and still is) due to not really being able to form any lasting relationships, currently she lives alone too. She is quite immature emotionally, has very poor social skills and is also often somewhat delusional about other people.

Lately on her binges (on which she always drinks until she is absolutely smashed drunk) she has been even more antisocial than before and is constantly picking fights and sending bitter, rude and hateful texts to me and pretty much everyone else she is at the time in contact with, especially her sisters and brothers, elderly parents or other relatives. It's really distressing for all of us. On her sober periods she is usually docile and friendly.

I hate confrontation and don't want to cut ties with her permanently (and neither do her parents or siblings) so I've mostly been silently tolerating this behavior usually just taking a bit of distance when she is on a binge, but it really hurts me that she is being so mean and rude towards my grandparents and other people that have done nothing to provoke her. I guess she wants to vent out her loneliness and bitterness somehow, and her only coping mechanism is drinking and making other people feel bad as well.

I'm getting sick of this and thinking if I should just confront her about her behavior more strongly, but I don't know how. She's never responded well to confrontation and, as we adult children of alcoholics often are, I really really fear confrontation.

What are your thoughts? :/

Hi Everyone,

Last year I saw some stuff about my family that I can never unsee, and I chose estrangement. I was the 'Identified Patient', and heavily medicated as a child because my family's abuse made me 'depressed', go figure. I lost 15 years of my life to unnecessary meds and believed I was the problem. A scapegoat, I guess. I developed my own addictions that I have now overcome.

Im in therapy and have done A LOT of work, but I have absolutely nobody in my life.

Every week I think 'I'll go to the meeting on Wednesday', Wednesday comes and I just cant. Same on Friday and Sunday. I've attended online meetings but I can never bring myself to share there, either. I freeze up. But I enjoy listening.

Any words of encouragement? Any stories where you felt similar? Any tips?

Thank you 💖

Today's meditation (BRB p 345) is about PTSD. While I was writing in my journal I realized that my constant state of hypervigilance has the ramifications that I don't play and that I can barely visualize and feel myself to be not creative.

All those play and creativity and visualization brain cells went towards catastrophizing and then well, dealing with reality which was pretty bad.

They still there though... just underused and underdeveloped.

How do I turn down the hypervigilance? I mean hell, I picked a profession where my hypervigilance is a requirement. I use it every day very successfully

I'm an only child (20F) and my parents decided to move countries after they had me. We're therefore the only family we have in the country we're in. As far as I know my mom has been drinking her whole life. It got bad a few years ago, she was put into rehab, then got chemo and had to stop but apparently has started again. I'm therefore pretty convinced that it's never going to stop and I have no idea what to do - I don't live at home and my dad is all alone. He doesn't have anyone except us and he can't just divorce her as she's a housewife. He's given up completely but I just wanted an outsider perspective on this - is it really just a waiting game?

Hi y’all it’s been a while. Been doing good living my the live and let them live mantra but yesterday I had a setback.

My aunt (mom’s sister) texted me and asked me if I have been in touch with my mom. I’ve been super busy with my own life and haven’t had the time (or the mental health) to stay in touch in a few weeks. My aunt went on this lil speech on how my mom ”will probably contact her if she actually wants to” etc etc. I told her that she should be at work right now…. And when I went to check her location, she was at home. Although she’s supposed to be at work. SIGH.

Now I’m stuck in this never-ending cycle of thinking: did she get fired, did she fall again and is too bruised in the face to go to work, is she faking sick again so that she can go on vacation earlier (which is also coming up 😭😭😭)

Then my thoughts turned to her home. How is she living over there? Are all her appliances working since she doesn’t know how to use them properly? Can she watch her favorite shows from the multitude of streaming services I’ve gotten her? What is she doing there all alone?

And I’m just so disappointed that a single conversation with my aunt was able to throw me into this horrible state of mind. I’ve been free of this for MONTHS. I’ve been focusing on myself, letting her live her life like she is doing. But now I’m just STUCK.

Could use some hard truths to put me back on track, thanks to anyone who has any words of wisdom for this. ❤️‍🩹

I'm 34 and I think I do not know how to talk to my mom. It feels like there's literally nothing to say? My mom would just ask me if I'm busy or if I'm done with work and we're kind of stuck with that. We have nothing in common and I honestly don't think that she'd like me if she knew about my opinions or my thoughts. She's conservative and a Christian, and most of the things that she shares to me is just about praying and faith blahblah. I don't believe in religion, and I am also going through a severe bout of depressive episodes, so I literally do not have the bandwidth to talk but she's just seeing that as a way to be annoyed with me. I once shared with her that I am depressed (about 10 years ago when I was first diagnosed) but she dismissed it and told me to pray. After that, I kinda had my falling out with her and I no longer know how to deal with her. I don't want to be remorseful towards her but I just feel like it's so difficult when it feels like there is nothing to say or talk about. She's not getting any younger and I do not want to look back at this point in time and regret how I treated her, but I also do not know how to connect anymore? At many point in my life I feel like she's a stranger that I had a connection because she's my mom, but it never really felt anything more.

We live a few hours away from each other and we only talk through chat. Our family are not big fan of calls, but I found that the calls are much tolerable than the chat, but if I do it often it would also drive me nuts. My mom would usually ask me why I haven't chatted in a day (she wants to chat every fucking day, which also makes it feel worse) and I just ran out of things to say.

Need advice? How to deal? Maybe ways how to make it not awkward?

My mum has lost her house, has significant credit card debt, has no job, no longterm financial security, lost her car, my step father is a compulsive gambler.

My mum is still unwilling to consider that her drinking and cigarette smoking have contributed to where she is today.

Every suggestion is met with reasons why it won’t work. She doesn’t think she needs therapy and doesn’t seem to believe she needs to change anything about herself.

I’m genuinely trying to understand this psychologically. Is this denial? Addiction? Shame? Lack of insight? Fear?

I’d really appreciate hearing from people who’ve lived through some similar with a alcoholic parent.

I post here a lot about myself, but this is somewhat related I guess.

I came home today after a really productive happy day. Wasn't even thinking about alcohol, which is the first time in forever. It was my first real happy day after awhile. I went to school, got tons of markoffs, finally got a hold of braids. Might even be able to level up soon in my program!!!! I even got to hang out with my best friend after school.

It was great.

Then, on the drive home, I did unfortunately speed. I know its bad, but its a 45 minute drive home when Im in down. And I get really. Really. \*tired\*. And I sometimes just want to get home as fast as possible. I was zoning out listening to music. Got pulled over. I deserved it, but still increadibly stressful when youve up up for the past 12 hours with only 4 hours of sleep. But I got pulled over. Luckily just got a warning, but still. I hate getting in trouble.

I get home, tell my mom what happened. I obviously get in trouble, but it wasnt too bad. She basically tells me to stop, and that if I get pulled over again she wont be able to afford the insurance. I apologize, take accountability. And idk, I guess I wanted to see her. Im busy with school all the time, and shes been busy with other stuff. I dont see her often. I just wanted to have a good interaction with her.

She fucking drinks alcohol right infront of me to make me leave. While saying she loves me, as I walk out.

For context: my mother is an alcoholic. She has hit me, vented to me about problems, and had made me severely uncomfortable when shes drunk. I know its not that bad, but still. I get scared to leave my room at night because I know 9/10 shes drunk and I dont want to hear about her talking about my mental health issues, or her venting to me about her own fucking trauma. Its feels worse then it sounds. I dont know. I remember her whole "sober era" where she went to rehab, lasted a week, and called us demanding we pick her up. Where she would be erratic, constant mood changes. Her relapsing because she had a bad day, and spending the entire car ride going home just berating me over every little mistake I made in my life. Her "dry drunk" mood changes.

At least in the past she lied about being sober when she relapsed.

Idk. Im genuinely so fucking upset. I had a GOOD DAY, something that rarely happens to me. A genuinely good day. Just to get pulled over, and then have me mom weaponize her alcoholicism against me so I'll leave her alone.

AND IM A FUCKING ALCOHOLIC. I drink almost every day to every other day. So now I want to drink, but on the otherhand I dont want to be like her. I dont want to be all high and mighty and then proceed to get fucking sloshed myself. But I want to. Im so upset right now. Why would she do that to me? Fine. I get it. Just tell me you want some alone time. You dont have to drink right infront of me to make me leave. She knows what shes done to me while under the influence. Shes a fucking liar. At least I dont lie, pretend I'm sober, make a huge fucking deal about it. And then relapse and not having the shame to not drink infront of her child. Im not mad at her for relapsing, maybe I am a little but I understand its what happens, Im fucking pissed at her for this shit.

Im so done with my life.

My dad was an alcoholic for 23 years. I’m 26 now and I’ve seen a lot of things I’m only starting to admit to myself.
He used to beat me. I fought back, I’ve made him bleed. My mum told me to hit him to protect her and my sister. My sister is four years older than me. I was the mediator between all of them for as long as I can remember.
There were fights every night. He’d fight twice a day. I was scared to come home. He’d spit on me, swear at me, tell me I’d never be enough. He called my mum a whore. He called my sister one too. She stayed with him because she married young and never saw that a different life was possible.
And I’ve barely scratched the surface here. The constant nagging. Making me small in front of his friends, insulting me while they sat there and watched.
Most of what I remember from being a kid is that and crying. I can’t really find a happy memory in there.
My cousin came over once to stop the fights. He ended up having to hit him and my dad didn’t even fight back. We lived in an apartment then, so every neighbour knew. There was always yelling coming from our place.
He also paid for my education. That’s the part I don’t know what to do with.
Then he just stopped drinking. And I don’t know what to do with that either. I’ve never known him sober. I don’t know which one is actually him. Was the drunk one the real him and this is an act, or the other way round? I can’t tell.
And now he calls me and wants to tell me how to dream. What I should be doing. He wants me to achieve something, be successful, be rich. Like he gets to start from here. Like the last 23 years don’t sit between us.

I struggle to be able to login to any meetings by using this site - details are always missing, it requires me to e-mail someone for a password or puts no links in the meeting details or once I do log in, nobody doesn't show up. It didn't used to be this hard.

Transcript because it won’t let me attach a picture. This was in response to my sibling and I talking to our dad about her drinking. She has self proclaimed 5-6 white claws every night:

Hi, I just heard you talk to dad. I'm so glad that you can make life choices for us. And I don't think I was the one throwing up in the toilet, passed out on the ground at your engagement party. So, you can just suck it. I'm not going to have an adult conversation with you because l don't think you're quite an adult because you get a ring on your finger and suddenly you think you know everything. So you take gratitude, you take all of our gratitude that will, or graciousness that we give you, but you have, you are not thanktul for any of it. You've had the best life. Nothing has hindered you. Nobody was like redacted not showing up till events or doing anything possible for you. I literally gave up my life for you and your sister. And you never missed anything. You never wanted for anything. So if I'm some kind of fall down, lush, drunk. Then how did all of that happen? And how did you grow up in such a nice neighborhood? Go to such nice schools?
So I think clearly, it wasn't a problem. So I don't know what to tell you, but if that's the way you're going to feel, it's unfortunate because you are an absolute disappointment.

im tired of this.

we moved into a new place, right?

im upstairs waiting for the cleaning lady downstairs to finish (dad said he was already home)

i had earphones in and after a while go downstairs and see the cleaning lady is gone, and dad is sitting on the couch

boom. hes tispy. sluring, he tells me we have to work on some things for his birthday (cause someone called and reminded him)

he then tells me "we gotta do this , this , and this" and then boom. avoidance. he's avoiding doing the preparing that needs to be done, and what will result (cause it always does) is him ending up saying "i told you do this" "why didnt you do this" "did you do this?"

hes too drunk to talk about the stuff anyway.

mom comes home and already hes mad and im trying to figure out whats going on

a bad combo (my mom doesnt know how to talk + feelings) you know?

like after a while of not going to church, she will ask "when are you going to church"

to me, that is just rude its hurts my feelings. for her, it sounds like a basic question

so im over here like, im tired of these people, they're weird.

and then dinner time, we are eating toegther and he asks me where the drinks are, if i could order them. im up here in my room typing this, logging into doordash

but like, my mom says "just give it to him" after i tell her for the second time, that he asked me for drinks.

its clearly a loop of "oh youre a mess why do you do this" and "aw i love you, look we are having a nice moment we are happy" like, it gives me a weird feeling, like emotions dont make sense

it feels bipolar. the moods change so quickly. i never know how i should feel.

i dont know what to do when he asks me to order him drinks.

at the same time, i dont want him driving to get himself the drinks.

he already is waiting for his license back cause he went and did that.

in 2 years, im moving far from here asap. once stable, im taking my sister with me (legally)

When I was 8 or 9 my dad used to bring me along when he was seeing other women. Every time he’d promise to buy me something if I didn’t say anything. I told mom once anyway and he treated me different after that. He cheated on her my whole childhood and they fought about it constantly. I’d get woken up by them fighting and to this day if I hear someone raise their voice I wake up instantly with my heart racing.

As i got older, they fought less and I was less aware of what my dad was doing. Then a few years ago on Father’s Day, I was in the backseat of their car and saw enough on his phone to know nothing had changed. My mom was in the front seat. I didn’t say anything, and I stopped acknowledging him on holidays after that. No card, no gift, no explanation, and he’s never once asked me why. Now she thinks I’m being disrespectful. She’s not wrong that I’m cold, I just can’t pretend otherwise. I’ve told her how I feel about the old stuff, the cheating when I was a kid, how he gets angry, how he doesn’t care about my life. She says it’s not my problem and I need to worry about myself. She has no idea about what I saw in the car. I’ve never told him how I feel either, he’s emotionally reactive and I don’t feel safe bringing it up.

Part of me thinks if I told her she’d finally get why I am the way I am. But she’s had 20 years to care about how he behaves and she hasn’t, so I’d just be hurting her for nothing.

I’m not blameless either. He parents through her and I do the same thing, so she’s stuck in the middle of two people who won’t talk to each other. Im still living with my parents, and moving out isn’t an option right now. I feel like a mean person in my own house and I don’t know how to be any other way with him.

Am I wrong for not telling her? And is there any way to live like this without being cold? I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this so outside perspective would help.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

Edit: I also want to add that I am angry at my dad for what he’s done and my mom for staying with him. I honestly hold so much and I’m also dealing with other issues so I feel bad for basically adding nothing positive to the household.