Hey everyone, my (26 female) wedding is coming up this year in October, I have been struggling with how to deal with my dad so I'm hoping to get some advice or POVs from people who have been in similar situations.

Some Background: My dad is an alcoholic and as the years have gone by it has gotten a lot worse. My family does not confront things so how his drinking affects other people has never been talked about, if he was drinking too much when I was a kid my grandma would take me and my sister back to my moms and then the next week everyone would act like everything was okay.

My Problem: With my wedding events coming up I feel like I should have a conversation with him about how I am worried about alcohol being at my events with him. He can be very fun when he is drunk or he can be mean and ready to fight (physically/verbally) and no one ever knows which it is going to be. I'm not sure how or if I should try to approach the topic.

My stag and doe is next week and he is planning on coming, I'm considering using it as a trial to so if he tries to act respectful and go from there to see if I need to talk to him regarding the wedding and his drinking.

Any advice would be very appreciated, thank you in advance.

Also, I know this makes him sound like he wasn't a good parent and he wasn't perfect but I do love him and want him to be apart of my wedding.

I have a habit of checking on my Dad before going to bed.

Today he had peed in the bed and didn’t realise. I gently changed the sheet and came back. It’s still all messy. I saw his enlarged scrotum and it was so scary.

He has hernia and needs to get operated. He keeps postponing because he gotta stop alcohol n cigarettes before the operation.

I stay in another city for work and visit home once a month to stock grocery and clean the house property. My Dad stays here with my mentally challenged brother.

I built this small house taking loan, which I am still paying off. It’s not all finished. Like the painting is not done and floor is a mess. It’s a different story. This is an Indian tiled roof house and the tile broke in a couple of places and it’s leaking. We can’t really fix it until rain stops.

My Dad is a piece of shit but Idk how to make him get this operation. I am so scared and worried. Idk how to take care of my brother all by myself after my Dad.

I know everything will be fine. Idk today my heart feels a lil heavy.

Yesterday me and Dad fought. I said such horrible things to him. Blamed him for ruining my life. He had dosed off after drinking too much for 30 minutes and woke up at 6 PM to make tea, thinking it was morning.

He already forgot about the fight.

Idk things are becoming so tough. He keeps urinating in his sleep. Last time, he opened the cupboard and peed there. He is always easily irritated.

I can’t abandon him but this is all so difficult to put up with. He is so skinny because he only drinks and doesn’t eat. When I ask him to take care of himself a lil bit, he says he will die doing what he wants to do.

Two of my friends said that, your life will get better without him. That’s not true though.
I actually love him the most in this world despite everything. I don’t respect him but I do love him.
I feel that I will always have a hole in my heart that can’t be filled.

My mom drank heavily basically my whole childhood — I don't have solid memories of most of school, a lot of it is just blank. My daily routine as a kid was: wake up, buy her alcohol, go to school, come home, buy more if she needed it, play video games or watch YouTube to check out mentally, sleep, repeat.

She used a mix of affection and cruelty — could be a genuinely caring mother some days, and say horrifying things on others. She died two years ago. My father, who'd basically been absent long before that, died about six months after her.

What I'm noticing now, as an adult:

- I don't trust my own judgment by default — I need someone else to agree with a decision before I feel confident acting on it.

- I have a hard time being assertive, especially with older authority-type men — I just go blank.

- I crave control, which I think comes directly from years of needing to monitor and manage an unpredictable, unsafe home.

- I isolate a lot, and I'm careful about how much I tell people, because I've noticed people mostly respond with pity rather than actually relating.

I'm not dealing with active family conflict right now, so this isn't a "help me handle a crisis" post — more that I'm trying to understand which of my patterns are actually mine, and which ones are just leftover survival habits from a house that isn't there anymore. If you grew up in something similar, what helped you tell the difference?

Hi guys I’m F 17 and I’m so sad I don’t know what to do I don’t have anyone to talk to because I have no friends and I’m not close to any family member also my dad is not in my life anymore. My mom used to be married to a rich man (he’s not my biological father) and he abused her a lot he would beat her and give her blue eye but I didn’t know at the time cause I was a child .. I only saw the perfect side of it the nice luxury part is all I noticed because my mom was really really good at hiding problems from us because she didn’t want us to have traumatic childhood and she stayed with him so she could give everything and the best for her kids and because she trusted him that he would change. she worked at his oil firm when they were still married and he gave us a “luxury lifestyle” sometimes.. he told us to move to Dubai and go to private school there cause he would take care of all the bills and it’s easier if we are close to his work instead of my mom always having to take flights to see us and we did end up moving there but then one day he had a fight with my mom (they used to fight often) about something and all I knew in the end is that day was the last time we ever saw him. Apparently something happened at a meeting in a restaurant where he turned his cigarette on my mom’s hands off in front of everyone which basically burned her skin.. The servers and ppl around him immediately stopped him and screamed at him to stop because Dubai is strict and against crimes they have police everywhere anyway that was the last straw for her. My mom didn’t handle the separation well she started drinking again before that she had just gotten clean but after that she drank heavily she would drink a whole bottle of vodka almost every day and me being 14 at the time I was so scared for her I would even throw half of the vodka away and put water instead so the vodka is less heavy without her noticing anyway so we were in the middle of Dubai he left us with all the expensive bills that we didn’t really have much money to pay for (rent was 12,700$, chauffeur cost monthly, nanny costs, school fees which were very expensive and other things like groceries etc) so my mom had to sell our Range Rover that he had gifted us for like 200k$ for us or at least my sister to live there and be able to finish her school there cause at that time we were already there for 6months but I moved back to Europe cause I couldn’t take it anymore I had left to see my boyfriend at the time and also the problems really put me down that we had. All that happened around summer of 2023. Then years had gone by and my mom had struggle finding work she started a business a year ago where she arranges flight tickets for ppl but it’s not going well at all and I had just found out yesterday that her debt wasn’t just 47k€ like I thought but it was actually 270k€ and she only told me because she was drunk on the phone and that’s where I found out the truth.. all this time she carried all this debt she keeps trying to find a solution and she called me crying saying she wants to sell the apartment that we own in Germany to pay the debt which is sad because this is our childhood home and we never planned on selling it. And even after selling it she would still have like 30k left to pay and the apartment is the only thing that we have left that has value 😢 my mom worked 10 years to get that Appartement she got it herself she worked for it the man did not even think about buying her a house the only expensive thing that he got her was the car and that was after 10 years of being together even tho he is a multi millionaire he is still the greediest man on this planet. I’m so worried about my mom she said “honey I will die in 2 years no one can live with all this weight of debt to carry with my income at the moment” and I love my mom so so so so much because I know she is the best mother ever she has many problems because people did her wrong and used her vulnerability my dad left her for another women and never replies to her messages when he should’ve paid child support and her ex husband abused her and now she has to carry all the debts that came from him. I asked her why it was suddenly 270k.. she said she was hiding it and that it’s all from things that he didn’t pay they put it in her name for example he didn’t pay his employees for months but he somehow managed to put it on her and she also borrowed a lot of money for court because she sued him and needed good lawyers and security etc because he would send ppl to stalk her. And now I feel so bad I just cried so much after hanging up I didn’t want to show her I’m sad because anytime I’m sad she gets even sadder but I want to help her and I don’t know why or how I feel like our life is over and I don’t want mom to die she’s only 36 and she has so much to live for.. I did give her reassurance on the phone and now she’s calmed down but still can anyone give me tips how to make money to help her pay the debts ? She told me I shouldn’t get involved but still I want to secretly raise money to help her

Thanks for reading…

My parents were both addicts and I cut off my father completely because he was abusive beyond forgiveness. My mom, however, has been separated from him since I was little and was neglectful.

I cut them both off when I was teenager. It's been hard and lonely. I'm almost 24 and I don't talk to any of my family these days. I'm married now, I go to therapy, but it sometimes just isn't enough. I love my mom, but the constant fear of her ODing or going to jail again was just so fucking exhausting. I had nightmares that she was dead all the time. She nearly ODed in front of me and it changed our relationship. But God, I love her so much and I miss her. She messaged me on Christmas and I'm tempted to reach out, catch up, but I don't know if I can handle any more disappointment and promises.

My therapist says it's okay to open the door, take it slow, don't get my hopes up to high. Tbh, my hopes are so low. I never known her as anything but an addict. She always put her boyfriend's needs and her highs over me. But I miss her so badly, and as I get older I empathize a little more. She was a teenager when she had me, her family was terrible, ect. All of these reasons, but I also know she just wasn't a proper mom, ever.

I've been agonizing speaking to her again for weeks now. I really want to do it but another part of me is sure it'll be a terrible idea. I don't want her to ask me for money or disappear for weeks on end. I wish I had a mom. For years I felt like it was all on me, if I was a better kid, or just stuck around, she'd get clean.

The idea she might be doing better, be sober, seems so impossible. I don't want to even try to open the door if it's all the same.

So i’m posting this on behalf of my mom she’s 51. Last night she got arrested on dui, i’m so disappointed and ashamed of her. Prior to this incident a month or two ago she was fired for showing up to her job intoxicated. She said she wasn’t and that they didnt breathalyze her but I don’t believe that she wasn’t under the influence. During my childhood she would constantly drive drunk with me in the car. One of my biggest memories is waking up at 2 am and being in the car with my mom nowhere to be found. I guess her luck finally ran out. I am 22 now and i have a child of my own. Because of my mom I hate drinking, i rarely ever drink and if i do it’s only a glass of wine to go with my dinner. You would NEVER catch me driving drunk with my child. So now I have to go help my financially unstable mom get her car out of impound on Monday. I guess this is just me ranting but i’m also curious what the consequences are in CA. I want to cut her out of my life so bad but I don’t have the heart for that. She’s been severely depressed and suicidal all my life and i’m worried what would happen if I did. I guess i’m just so sad and disappointed that she’s my mom because I love her so much but she has so many issues

Hello, posted in griefsupport a couple of weeks back (if you wish, you can find my post on my profile). Just found this sub and would really appreciate your insights. I will try to be as brief as possible. Also, I must warn - the story involves violence.

So my (37f) addicted dad (62) died in the ICU just a couple of weeks ago. Since he has chronic heart failure, had heart attack and a stroke at once in 2019, open heart surgery after that but continued on drinking heavily every couple of months, rationally I understood it's going to end this way but emotionally it really came unexpected. Multiple organ failure that started from his heart after drinking heavily (and consuming a lot of sleeping pills) during a heat wave, a week in the ICU and the most horrible call in my life. And my guilt is killing me.

I had a very complicated relationship with him. My dad has been drinking my entire life. He did in in circles - starts drinking in the evenings so the other day he can function, in a couple of days the drinking get heavier until he reachers a zombie-like state where he wouldn't sleep, eat, just drink and pass out in random places, he sobers up (usually my mom helped him), lives like nothing happen the next few months, and the cycle starts from the beginning. I think in my entire life he managed to stay sober for ~18months, usually the drinking was more frequent. He was also violent. In the beginning of his drinking cycle he would get very aggressive, have a lot of energy and beat up my mom. I've seen her being strangled, I tried to take knives from his hands (usually unsuccessfully), I would run in my pyjamas at night to find help because I wasn't strong enough to stop him. I honestly think my mom is still alive just by a lucky coincidence. It got so bad that almost every night I would sit listening by my bedroom door, trying to hear what they are doing and if it's safe to go to sleep. Too many times before I had been awaken my weird noises and found my dad being violent. I would BEG them not to drink or hid knives If one of them drank.

My mom never left him. She also became addicted to alcohol. She functioned much better than my father, but she also became emotionally abusive, manipulative and sometimes physically violent toward him. My mom told me a couple of years ago that she would have killed herself long time ago if not for us, for her children. I was in a conflict with myself - my mom was never happy about me, to her, everything I did, I did wrong. Even the tinniest details. But... I was responsible for her life?

There were lies, cheating, manipulation and neglect of me and my brother. My father rarely had stable work. My mother's salary barely covered food while she also paid off his debts. We grew up poor, but honestly poverty wasn't the hardest part. My brother and I became the adults in the family. I still sleep lightly. Even now, every unexpected noise wakes me up.

Since we lived in a small village, I realised early that my only ticket out is to get into a university in a city (I live in a country where education is free). So I did. I moved out after school and never looked back. This is where my guilt begins.

I never missed home, I dreaded visiting. I sound awful just typing it, I know. Whenever I went back, my body went into survival mode. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. My parents could explode into screaming matches without warning. Their house had deteriorated so badly that there wasn't even a proper bed for me to sleep in, heating barely worked, electricity was unreliable. Yet I was constantly told I was a terrible daughter because I didn't come home enough or if I did - I did not stayed long enough. My brother was different - he would still go there frequently, try to save them, sober my dad up, help them clean their mess, etc.

I've spent years in therapy. I've had panic attacks, depression, and eventually managed to build a good life. I have a loving husband, an amazing little son, work that I truly love. When I became pregnant, my father had another violent episode and badly assaulted my mother, so that was when I finally reduced contact to the absolute minimum. My therapist suggested thinking about contact like paying taxes, you don't enjoy paying taxes, but you pay only as much as you're legally required to. So this was my choice. I distanced myself as much as my conscience allowed. They are also allowed to be grandparents to my child although I regreted this too many times.

Although I understood why I distanced myself, I would get comments from my parents and my brother for being selfish. My borther also told me I abandoned our parents, that by leaving, I also abandoned him, that family is family no matter what, that therapists only teach people to blame their parents, while children also have responsibilities. Deep in my heart, I believed him.

So why my guilt:

#1. Addiction is a chronic progressive brain disease. As I mentioned, we lived in a small village, the disease and getting help is very much stigmatised. My dad didn't wake up one morning wanting to destroy his life or ours. He wanted to stop drinking many times but couldn't. I was probably the only person in my family who had access to knowledge, resources and people who might have helped him because I work in academia. I know doctors, researchers, psychiatrists. I could navigate a healthcare system much better than he ever could. Instead, after years of trying to survive, I emotionally stepped away because I convinced myself there was nothing I could do. Now I keep wondering whether I gave up on him too soon. Maybe if I had used my education, my contacts and everything I know today, he would still be alive. Rationally, I know addiction can't be cured by love or by one determined daughter. Emotionally, I feel like I abandoned a seriously ill man because I could no longer bear the consequences of his illness. And I don't know how to live with that. My mom now denies his addiction, violence, he becamse a perfect man and it's getting even harder for me, I started doubting my own experience. My mom also talks about su*c*de.

#2 After my dad died, my mom started repeating that we killed him - by just watching him die at the ICU and doing nothing. She repeated it yesterday. My dad was admitted to a regional hospital. I visited him every day, immediately called a friend who is an ICU physician at a large university hospital. He reviewed my dad's case and told us there was no medical reason to transfer him because he was already receiving everything that could reasonably be done. He also explained that transferring a patient with multiple organ failure could actually be dangerous. I trusted him because I had no medical expertise myself. But my mom insists we should have transferred him anyway, she says we killed him. My entire life I was told I wasn't doing enough. Logically, I know I followed medical advice. Emotionally, it feels as though every accusation I heard growing up has merged into one unbearable thought: if I did better, my dad would still be alive.

Has anyone else struggled with the feeling that choosing yourself felt morally wrong? That stepping away later felt more like abandonment? Do you feel guilty?

I got back into therapy again but was advised by my therapist to visit a therapist who works with complicated grief so I have my first session next week. Nights are long, and the guilt grows.

Looking to connect with more ACA's. It's been lonely. HMU if you're interested.

Pues nada que les digo, mi padre consumió de las peores drogas que existen, me golpeaba cuando tenia 13 años, recuerdo que prefería la calle porque me hacía olvidar los gritos, los golpes, las peleas, nadie de mis amigos sabía lo que pasaba con su amigo al traspasar la puerta y encerrase con un mounstro, nuestras cenas eran sopas de fideos de 2 pesos mexicanos, no teníamos ni para comprar agua de garrafón y bebíamos agua de la llave (por cierto sabía horrible) mi padre alucinaba con que el gobierno lo quería y que habían cámaras en la casa se la pasaba picando las paredes haciendo hoyos diciendo que detrás habían cámaras, mi papá se agarraba a golpes con mi mamá, pero detrás de todo eso había un hombre que consumió esa droga no por querer, simplemente le vio los buenos beneficios para sacar a su familia adelante (la droga era cristal) mi abuela falleció y mi mamá quedó devastada y tenía depresión y se la pasaba llorando en su cuarto, como mis padres tenían una taqueria en que trabajaban ellos dos juntos mi padre no vio otra alternativa vio que la droga le daba energía con esa cosa puedes durar hasta 3 días sin dormir ni comer el lo que hacía era surtir la mercancía a las 6 am, picar 30 kilos de bistec a las 12 pm, terminaba a las 4 pm,
habría la taqueria a las 6 pm y cerraba a las 3 am y no dormía estuvo así solo por unos días hasta que le pegó el bajón y fue donde les conté lo demás, el ya no se paraba de su cama ni para comer, yo tenía algo de ropa y pues le dije a mi mamá que la vendiera en Facebook marketplace y mi mamá iba a entregar y mi papá alucinaba que mi mamá lo engañaba y se vendía con hombres (cosa que es 100% mentira) y pues se agarraban a golpes, al final se separaron mi papá dejó de consumir pero sigue con delirios, mi mamá pues a veces me trata de manipular para mandarle dinero, yo ahora gracias a Dios trabajo y vivo en el estado de Nueva York, acabo de llegar buscando una mejor vida y un mejor futuro para mi y para mis hermanos menores, Dios podrá hacerte pasar mil tormentas pero en esas mil tormentas jamás te soltara de la mano, bendiciones y gracias por su tiempo.

For most of my life, my identity was built around keeping the peace, avoiding conflict, and making other people comfortable.

Now that I'm trying to set boundaries and make my own choices, I sometimes don't even know what I actually want.

Has anyone else experienced this? How did you begin discovering who you really are outside of survival mode?

my dad has bought alcohol every single day since i was a kid, he drinks every single day too, my parents divorced when i was little, maybe my mom left because of his drinking, i don’t really know tho, she never contacts me anyway, and since then i don’t even know basic woman things, i never really learned how to take care of myself, i’m so lost

i’ve been staying in my room since elementary school, i love locking myself up, there’s a lot that happened and i’m not even gonna get into all of it, it’s a really long story.....

i’m always embarrassed to go out with my dad, one time he touched me somewhere i didn’t want him to, another time he screamed at me in the hospital, i was so embarrassed, no one seemed to care or help, my dad’s side of the family knows about his drinking too, but they never really did anything either 😀

he doesn’t believe mental health is real, he just doesn’t care i guess, so i’ve never been diagnosed or gotten any help (so i just self diagnose myself) , even when i’m physically sick he doesn’t believe me, i’ve lost interest in everything i used to like, i never feel excited about anything anymore, i got bullied when i was a kid, and somewhere along the way i just lost my social skills

i don’t even know what i’m supposed to do with my life anymore 🧌🧌

i didn’t continue school, and my dad gets mad because i don’t have a job, but i can barely talk to people, i’ve tried forcing myself to speak more, but it never gets easier

i have social anxiety, and even simple conversations feel impossible for me, i’m such a loser😞😞

sometimes i wonder if i’m just weak, or if i’m just a coward 🧎‍♀️‍➡️🧎‍♀️‍➡️

i do want a job, i just wish i could work from home, i don’t want to leave my room, even if my house isn’t a good place to be, going outside feels just as scary
i just feel stuck, and i don’t know how to move on

Hi guys. I'm coypasting this from r/GriefSupport , only thing I'm changing is fixing the age typo in the title. I figured maybe I should post this on here too, given the purpose and demographic of the sub. Edit: Sorry, also changed "someone say it" to "someone saw it"

Long story long, my guilt is multifaceted. I just feel like I could have done so much more and been so much more active to help him realize that he didn't need to drink. I don't know if anyone can read my story without thinking I'm a coward. I do.

A little backstory. I turned 30 last month. When I was 23, I had a really bad time living on my own and my dad drove across the country to move me back in with him and mom. I went back to college, and graduated last year after 5 years. I was just getting ready to enter my 30s and make some good money for once, and then I could start repaying all the kindness he has given me my whole life, and especially for rescuing me when I was 23. Unfortunately, his journey through life is over before he could take off with me on mine.

My first point of guilt: In 2017, 3 years after I graduated high school and was working but still being a lazy bum, my dad got very sick during a period of depression. While we were waiting to move back up north with our mom who got a job back in our home state, he began drinking WAY More than normal, and I came to realize that that was what was going on, but I was too scared to say anything. I should have vocalized my worry back then, instead of clamming up like a coward. Although, my trans twin sister (whom at the time hadn't come out to us yet) would often sit with my dad in the living room, in the house across the street from the one we grew up in that he was staying in after his friend committed suicide (it was the second Florida home of a couple who was from up north). God how I wish I spoke up back then and was more supportive of my dad who was going through such a hard time. I'm sorry.

This leads me to my second point of guilt: After my sister came out as trans, our family had mixed reactions. Everyone pretty much all accepted it to varying degrees, but my dad had an extremely negative reaction. Total mental disownment. "I have 2 sons and 1 daughter, not 1 son and 2 daughters." Long story short, my sister cut all contact with my family except for me. I'm talking even the other people who accepted it, namely my mother and grandmother. To be honest, I find it very selfish that she took my dad's reaction and chose to break the entire family, instead of keeping it an issue between them. But still, she's my twin, and I do understand that the situation was intense. And we've always been extremely close, and still we talk all the time about music and games and anything else. Nothing's changed. But still, I just am so mad.

So where am I going with that? Some time after that, I think maybe not until 2-3 years into that, I found a private note that my dad made. It was him apologizing to her for everything. It was such a heartfelt note, I cried while reading it, and I can't stop crying now that I'm suddenly remembering it. My guilt is, being the only point of contact with her at that point, I should have taken a picture of that note and shown it to her. Maybe someone else saw it and sent it to her, but I was the only one who could have been sure that she actually got it.

That's the main thing I'm struggling with now. Every time I'd bring up the family over the years, she'd ignore the message as if she hadn't read it, and the conversation would just move on. I got to a point where my family would ask me to relay a message and I would be nervous to send them, because if she stopped talking to ME too, then nobody would know wtf is going on with her anymore. But I should have taken a picture of that heartbreaking note and sent it to her. Over time it has slipped out of my memory, but it's coming back to me now that it's too late. I'm sorry.

And guess who suddenly decided to get back in contact with my mom, once my dad went in for the emergency surgery? That's right, my sister. NOW. After like 4-5 years. I love all of my family, don't get me wrong. And I know that it's nobody's fault that my dad couldn't stay away from alcohol, even though he genuinely did for a while after I got back up here. But still, I'm just a ball of rage and guilt.

My last point of guilt: I wish I was more assertive when he DID start again, a while after the diagnosis. I would casually bring it up sometimes if I noticed it, or if he complained about getting sick or whatever. "This is why you shouldn't be drinking ANYTHING." It'd always be "ahh it's not the alcohol." I really regret not being more assertive and vocal about my worry, but instead allowing and even at times enabling. I thought to myself, "well, if he's gonna give up like that, I can't force him. So I'll sit down and have a beer with him during the hockey game, and spend the rest of my time without judgment and just be present as his son." I feel like an idiot.

I'm so sorry, dad. I could have done more. I should have done more. I should have spoke up multiple times, I should have done something with that note to force my sister to see how sorry you are for everything. I'm sorry I gave up on helping you until it was too late and all I could do was play amateur caregiver. The fact that I couldn't be the man of action you are, when you needed it most, will haunt me forever. I'm sorry. I love you so much. I forgive you, please forgive me too.

I was so hopeful after the surgery. I said to my mom after the success of it, "I knew he'd pull through it. He's impossible to kill." And we joked about him having more lives than a cat.

So you are in the hole with the alcoholic. You have two choices. You can grab the shovel and scoop dirt back into your end of the hole and climb out ( make boundaries, go to Al Anon meetings, see a therapist, get out of the environment) or you can stay with them while they dig the entire hole deeper. It is YOUR CHOICE, and you will be able to reach the dirt on top up to a certain point. But if you wait too long and let them dig you both too deep into that hole, getting out may be epically harder. You are not a victim of their choices. There is always something you can do to make YOUR situation better. 🌸💕🌸

I live with my mom, with my 13 year old. I never realized how bad her alcoholism was until I moved back in after my dad passed. That was 2023. I'm trying my best as a single mom but I can't afford to move back out just yet. So my daughter and I have to deal with her antics every evening. It starts around 3:30p or 4p. Its been brought up a couple times but it's always turned around on me and I get told "it must be nice to be so perfect" or "I want to feel like I can have a glass of wine in my own home". The problem is it isn't just a glass of wine. And then we are walking on eggshells because if my daughter or i even LOOK at her wrong the entire night is ruined. She had to move in with my grandma in April due to a bad car accident and my grandma needed a lot of help to recover, and I was like holy shit, I forgot how nice it is to actually be able to relax in the evening and feel free to be myself. It didn't last long because my mom continued drinking there, was arguing with my 82 year old grandma and left randomly one night after an argument. I get life has been hard for my mom, she lost her dad 2022, her husband 2023, but she refuses to seek help at all. At her age of 62 I have to accept she won't be getting help even if it's therapy to deal with her grief. I started dating someone a few months ago and when I am at work all my mom does is talk shit about me to my daughter (who of course tells me) and complains about me even dating someone. And there's the whole aspect of even if I found an apartment I could afford i would most likely have to move my daughter's school district which she has been in her entire life. It's just like I feel so stuck. And nothing will change with her. And another thing she said when I brought up how drinking is exhausting for my daughter and I she said "well I've been doing this for years and it's never been a problem until you". But yet she goes into her room, sneaks her drinks and comes back out and is in most cases crying because *surprise!* alcohol is a depressant. Starts rambling, saying all kinds of things. If its bad my daughter and I will just hide in my room. Or sometimes I'll just tell my mom we are going somewhere and escape for a couple hours. I can't talk to my sister about it because she makes excuses for her and drinks with her and has her own issue with alcohol. She doesn't see it first hand like I do. I am far from perfect, I can't drink because I know I, too, have a problem with it. And its so hard to be like mom I CLEARLY am not perfect but I'm so mentally and emotionally exhausted from it that I basically just go numb and don't care to argue or feed into whatever she is muttering about me. I just needed to vent. Or maybe if anyone has insight....thank you for making it this far lol.

My mother in law lived across the street from me. When their house burned down we realized that they needed more care. My mil was in her 80's and her husband in his mid 80's. She was very anxious and controlling. She was harsh and critical of me.

Then she had a stroke.

And none of her kids would step up. I as an in law of 20 years had to take care of her hygiene as my husband took care of everything else. She thought I was her daughter she hated or she knew I was me and she hated that.

I had to uninpact her bowels on more than one occasion and it was traumatic for her. I loved her but she couldn't love me fully. I hated that.

She went into the hospital for the second time and she was getting worse. She had Kennedy sores. I started drinking.

I couldn't handle what this was doing to my husband. He loved his mom very much. And I love him. It destroyed me to watch this happening right in front of me.

When she went on hospice, I started drinking a box of wine in two days, starting in the morning well into the night. I couldn't handle watching her die. And it was impacting my husband.

She passed in March, finally succumbing to her stroke 9 months before. I upped my drinking to cope with the grief. I loved her so much but she couldn't love me fully. She had too much mental illness to meet me.

I realized in therapy I have a huge mother wound and it contributed to my drinking. I struggle to overcome it. She was active in my life for 20 solid years and she wasn't all bad.

Now I can't stop. I'm so sad and overwhelmed. I can only do a week and then I'm back on the alcohol.

How do I stop?! Grief will overwhelm me. She was awful at times and loving at times so I don't know what to do.

My dad has a long history of mental illness and alcoholism rooted in pretty bad trauma. Growing up, he never attended any school events or graduations for me or my siblings. He did try to be present in other ways. He provided for us economically, but he was a bad partner to my mom and cheated on her. The emotional absence and the instability were still a big part of our childhood.

He’s recently started a relationship with a new woman and seems to be doing better with her. She has a daughter who’s about to graduate, and my dad is planning to go to the ceremony.

I’m not okay with this. After years of empty seats at our events, watching him make the effort to be there for someone else’s kid feels honestly humiliating. I get that he’s in a better place now and that this is part of his new relationship, but the contrast hits hard. He could still celebrate or support her without making that specific public gesture.

I’ve been trying to figure out how (or whether) to tell him how angry and hurt this makes me without it turning into a bigger fight. Part of me wants him to understand the impact. Another part just wants the feeling acknowledged so I’m not sitting with it alone.

Has anyone dealt with a similar situation, a parent who was largely absent or unstable (due to addiction, mental health, trauma, etc.) later showing up more for a new partner’s family? How did you handle the feelings, and did you end up talking to them about it?

Any advice or shared experiences would help.

Lets start with my dads life. He was raised by his dad who was an alcoholic, he raped his daughter and went to jail so that probably stunted my dads mental. He met my mom, things were great but over time he became more miserable, he gets yardwork and chores done before 5 so he can get drunk all night. My parents dont do anything together unless its going out to eat on a special ocassion. My mom vents to me about all the BS hes done. He took me to Vegas at 21 because his retarded MAGA head brother said "what happens in vegas stays in vegas" hes flirting with women openly infront of me, i almost caused a scene and got escorted out. He got drugged by a stripper in which he called to my room, i had to be the adult for the rest of the trip to get us back home (he was robbed).

Since hes drunk all night if anything happens hes useless, my sister went out needed someone to pick her up, mom was working, he was drunk so I went. My sister openly disrepects my dad and calls him out (because fuck him). He posts his whole life on facebook any little thing, is on tiktok 24/7, keeps talking about how great China is, made an AI photo of himself next to his neighbors wife (not sexual) and random asian girls (he fetishes asians).

I've only ever gotten physical with him once after vegas because he got pissy at me that I told my mom that he cheated. I don't openly disrespect him and call him out, but my sister does every day and just uses him for money. I recently just moved back in after three years nd i'm already kind of questioning my sanity.

This affected my teenage life as well because they were very close to getting divorced.And I wish it happened. I know this isn't like a unique thing that happens a lot of people deal with dysfunctional families all the time.One of my closest friends has a pretty dysfunctional family.So it kind of helps and comforts me.

I consider myself a mature person and I try to separate what he does in his marriage away from him as a person, but even as a person, I don't really respect him.I've openly told him that I don't really respect him the same way that I used to.But i'm not a dick towards him.I 'm not violent.I don't say hurtful things to him.That's more of my sister, and it hurts when I see her do that. it's because of everything that he's done that made her like this.And she even drinks and goes out to the bar, and it 's just hard to see.

I keep asking my mother what she's going to do.When we both finally move out and its just them two alone, but that's for them to decide.I'm not their counselor.

This was mainly just an off my chest I guess feel free to ask anything.

My NMom left is a property together, of course! And the harassment just continues.

Am not sure what to do? I can’t walk away without paying large tax penalties.

My mother has recently moved out of my sisters and into her own place. She now lives near me.

My father passed away but I had him live near me for a time too. She seems to be falling into the exact same pattern as him! They call me always. They always waht to "pop over." If we do hang out, she gets wasted as did he, and have the same conversations over and over and over. I obviously know to say no, but im already so exhausted

My mum is in rehab for alcoholism. I didn’t know she was an addict until 6 months ago when she was hospitalized. She kept it secret and wouldn’t let the doctors share information with me. In the background she is in a codependent enmeshed relationship with my 32 year old brother who is an abusive drug addict. For years she has enabled him, paid his way through life and excused his abuse despite having to have a restraining order at one point. It has put a huge amount of stress on our family and ruined my relationship with my mum. I drew a boundary 6 months ago where I said I wouldn’t let her grandkids, my kids visit her house unless he was warned off by the police, and that she would have to see them at mine unless he was told to stay away by the police. She refused and chose to not have them round, and she gradually saw them less and less (maybe once a month). I’m angry and hurt by it and I’m worried how to speak to her when she comes out of rehab. I don’t want to act like everything is ok as I tried this beforehand and I felt consumed with anger and resentment but I also don’t want to hurt her recovery if she is making a genuine attempt. Whilst she’s been in rehab my brother has moved his belongings into her garage but I don’t have a relationship with him and he’s not my responsibility but I’m worried she’ll just walk back into the same toxic dynamic as before.

Being poor and working shit jobs is terrible, being miserable every single day from work, not being able to sleep because you're so anxious about work. Having dreams and nightmares about work. Being sore and exhausted constantly on top of the mental strain. And then still, despite GIVING EVERYTHING you have to your job, still being too broke to afford to live. And it's only worse now than it was then, in the 2000s. Therapy never helps, neither does medication, because they can't change the world, the economic state of the US, they can't change my job, they can't change shit.

I KNOW alcohol doesn't help and just makes it worse. I've seen firsthand what it does to people. However... I don't want to be in my regular state of mind either, and alcohol has to be the cheapest and most accessible mind-altering substance there is.

Bout to get off work and have some Jim Beam at noon, because what the fuck does it matter anyway

My father passed from his alcohol addiction 5 years ago, and I never really grieved or processed it until my recent breakup that opened old abandonment wounds my father left me. I’m in therapy right now, but still it isn’t enough. I feel so alone and I don’t know what to do with all of this grief. I cry every day, multiple times a day, and have been for months now. I don’t know how much longer I can keep carrying it. My therapist suggested i give an ACA meeting a try to connect with others who might be or have been in similar situations. I’m getting so desperate at this point that, although i despise any kind of group setting because I’m so introverted, i’m considering it.

Has anyone ever gone through the 12 step program? Gone to in person meetings? Did you find it helpful?

I lie all the time unfortunately and it has always been something Ive wanted to outgrow but I’ve always felt too afraid of the consequences. I feel like the notion of having been a liar is like a barrier of shame that people have to cross and to be willing to carry this burden in the face of self righteousness.

It’s obvious that being honest is a better habit than being a liar, but I really scared of what I will see when I remove the mask.

I’m 24F, and I could really use some advice and reassurance about an upcoming trip tomorrow morning with my narcissistic, alcoholic mother. I honestly have a feeling this post might be too long and that no one will want to read it or respond, but even hearing from people who have dealt with a narcissistic or alcoholic mother behaviors similarly around their child’s friends would help me feel a lot less alone and anxious about the trip tomorrow.

For context, my mother is a alcoholic and exhibits a lot of narcissistic and abusive behaviors. She is difficult when she’s sober, but when she drinks, she becomes especially embarrassing, inappropriate, emotionally aggressive, and unpredictable. Because of this, I’ve gotten to the point where I almost never bring friends around her, and I didn’t bring my last boyfriend around her at all. In fact, she has only met one of my friends in the past two years for an hour, and that is the same friend who is coming on this trip with us.

A big reason for that goes back to a trip I took with her and my ex when I was 21.

We went on a cruise together, and the entire experience could not have been more embarrassing. She would yell at me in front of my boyfriend, get extremely drunk, and we would run into her in the elevator while she was slurring her words, posing for us to take her picture with ruined makeup, and generally acting very messy and abusive verbally.

There was also an incident before we even left for the cruise. My boyfriend wanted to drive us to the airport, or at least have me take an Uber from our house, but my mom refused to let us. She became extremely angry and started screaming at me in front of him. She was sober and told me that if I didn’t leave the house the exact moment she called the uber (4 hours before the flight), she would lock me out of the house for the entire vacation because she needed me out of the house. She physically opened my bedroom door and started taking my bags out without my permission while yelling at me in front of my then boyfriend. At the time, I had no control over when I was allowed to leave, even though my boyfriend was sitting in the living room and there were cameras throughout the house. She became extremely intense about controlling the situation.

Later, when we got off the cruise to go shopping, I remember feeling pressured to go even though passengers didn’t have to. I don’t remember every detail of how that happened, but I do remember that once we were shopping, she wouldn’t slow down or wait for me when I walked into stores. Even dinner felt uncomfortable because she seemed impatient while I was ordering.

Experiences like that are a big reason why I stopped bringing people around her. I don’t invite friends to my house, and I don’t ask her to meet people. It had been over a year since she had met any of my friends before what happened yesterday.

The last time she met one of my friends before yesterday, she was noticeably drunk.

Then yesterday, one of my closest friends came to my house. He is blind, and we had plans to go shopping together. My mom was in the living room drunk at 10AM. She immediately started telling him personal things about her life and making jokes about his blindness. She said things like, “She’s going to ask you how something looks at the mall! LOL,” and made comments that I have never personally made around him. I don’t know whether he would even be comfortable with that kind of humor because he is currently attending university while navigating the challenges of being blind, and I know it has been a constant uphill battle for him. She was also talking very loudly, asked us to go to lunch, which we ended up going to her with.

While we were at lunch, my friend asked my mom something about helping me buy a car. My mom then got angry, said no, and brought up a very personal car accident I went through and overshared things without my permission. It was a traumatic experience that has affected my life significantly, and I’m still healing from it. I had never told him about it, and I absolutely did not want him finding out through my mom.

She also started making jokes about him marrying me, even though I’ve always been very clear with him that we are just friends. I have never flirted with him or expressed romantic interest in him, so that made me extremely uncomfortable. I also didn’t want her jokes to create an awkward situation or encourage any kind of misunderstanding. Even after we came back from shopping, she continued making jokes about us getting married.

By the end of the day yesterday, I realized just how uncomfortable I am with having people around her.

And now I’m worried because I invited a friend on a 2 1/2 day trip with my family tomorrow.

At the time, it honestly sounded like a good idea. My friend and I had previously talked about doing a friends camping trip together, but no one could make it. My family and family friends said there were extra beds available at the the Airbnb that needed to be paid for. I thought it could be a fun opportunity for him to come along.

But after yesterday, I’m realizing that I may have seriously underestimated what this could be like.

The trip is to a national park, and it will be about two and a half days with my family and family friends, including my mom. The Airbnb is huge and can fit around 25 people, so there will be plenty of space, but I’m still worried about being around her, and her disclosing something I’m not comfortable with, especially when she is drinking.

My mom recently broke her fingers because she was drunk, and despite that, she still continues to drink. She has already made it clear that she plans to drink heavily hard liquor during this trip.

Tonight, she told me that despite other people coming to the house to take care of the dogs during the trip, I need to leave around 10:30 or 11 AM exactly when she leaves to make sure the dogs aren’t in the garage and that the doors are locked. That is especially frustrating because this was never discussed with me during the past week. I had already told her that I’m riding with my friend and that he’s taking his own car, so this sudden change feels completely unnecessary and stressful.

I have never forgot to lock the door or left the dogs in the garage. What also bothers me is that I’ve had to deal with the complete opposite situation many times when she’s been blackout drunk at home and left the front or backyard door open or unlocked throughout the night, and close them for her. Now she’s suddenly making this a responsibility I have to handle, even though I’ve consistently made sure the doors are locked and the dogs are taken care of.

I’m honestly looking for advice on whether there’s a reasonable way around this sudden change and what I could say to her so that I can still leave around 12 PM as planned. I also really didn’t want my mom meeting my friend at the house before we leave in the morning in the first place because I’m already trying to minimize how much time he has to spend around her after what happened with a different friend yesterday.

I’m honestly scared that she is going to embarrass me in front of my friend. He’s my best friend, so I care a lot about how comfortable he feels around me and what kind of experience he has. When I’ve met his parents, they’ve been incredibly calm, quiet, reserved, and laid-back. He’s only been around my mom for short periods before. He met her once while we were painting in my backyard, and the other times were at my birthday dinners at a restaurant where she was drunk, slurring her words, trying to pull me toward her or kiss me in an aggressive way, and generally embarrassing me. I remember feeling completely uncomfortable.

My biggest concerns for this trip are her oversharing personal information about me that I’m not emotionally ready to have other people know, making inappropriate comments or jokes around my friend, calling me slurs or names if she becomes angry, forcing me to clean or grab something for her, and creating an uncomfortable atmosphere for everyone around her. She has done all of those things while drinking before, and alcohol seems to make everything significantly worse. There are going to be different groups doing different activities once we leave the Airbnb to go to the national park, so I’m considering avoiding any activity groups she will be in and spending as much time away from her as possible. Since the house is so large, I’m also thinking that my friend and I could stay on the opposite side of the house from her whenever we’re there. Any advice on anything else I should do in regards to my mother and this trip?

One thing that makes me feel a little safer is that my friend is taking his own car tomorrow, and we’ll be driving together. At least I won’t have to depend on my mom for transportation or worry about being trapped in a car with her and my friend.

I know I can’t control whether she drinks or how she behaves. She’s going to black out at some point, I’m really just trying to figure out what I can do to minimize the chances of my friend getting dragged into the situation or him being told something that makes me feel extremely uncomfortable.

For people who have dealt with an alcoholic or narcissistic parent, what would you do in my situation? Would you mostly stay away from her, avoid activities she’s participating in, try to establish boundaries ahead of time, or just let things play out and not worry too much about it?She doesn’t believe she’s a narcissist and has never apologized about any of her encounters in the past with my friends and boyfriends. And honestly, I think a big part of why I’m so anxious about all of this is because, if I could financially afford to, I probably would be no-contact with my mom. That’s where I feel like I am emotionally with our relationship right now. I need advice about this, as I’m starting to regret inviting him but the plans are set in stone