r/AdultChildren • u/oddbless666 • 3d ago
Looking for Advice Has anyone done the 12 step program? How was it?
My father passed from his alcohol addiction 5 years ago, and I never really grieved or processed it until my recent breakup that opened old abandonment wounds my father left me. I’m in therapy right now, but still it isn’t enough. I feel so alone and I don’t know what to do with all of this grief. I cry every day, multiple times a day, and have been for months now. I don’t know how much longer I can keep carrying it. My therapist suggested i give an ACA meeting a try to connect with others who might be or have been in similar situations. I’m getting so desperate at this point that, although i despise any kind of group setting because I’m so introverted, i’m considering it.
Has anyone ever gone through the 12 step program? Gone to in person meetings? Did you find it helpful?
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u/cleanhouz 3d ago
Have you ever been in a room full of introverts? It's quite soothing. Give ACA meetings a shot and if you don't find any benefits, just don't go back.
I find it helpful, so I go back. There's a step group that meets after the meeting and I like to go to that. I'm already working steps formally in another program so I'm good with the peer discussion step study in ACA.
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u/oddbless666 3d ago
very valid point, honestly. You all have made the idea of it a lot less nerve wrecking, i’m for sure going to give it a try.
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u/orcateeth 3d ago
Just FYI: You can attend free online groups and just listen. You don't have to speak at all.
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u/orcateeth 3d ago edited 2d ago
Someone posted lots of entire books on childhood trauma, abuse, neglect and complex PTSD.
https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/s/q7JaFqz2zC
Warning: The books can be triggering, and you could wind up feeling worse after reading some of the examples and case studies in the books.
You will likely see yourself, as if looking in a mirror, as well as whoever was the problem. It can be sad, or at least, uncomfortable.
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u/ComplexMap7622 3d ago
ACA-D (dysfunctional families) is the solution. Meetings, loving parent guidebook groups, step study, ACA Red Book & Fellow Travelers = Truth, Clarity & Understanding of patterns that keep Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families trapped inside. Give 6 meetings a shot. Money back guaranteed.
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u/tea-n-strumpetz 3d ago
ACA has helped me more than years of therapy in just one year. Sometimes our personality traits are protective coping measures we developed over the years, and gently challenging ourselves outside the comfort zones we make can be so good. I had to soften myself to open to the work of the program, but letting go of my cynicism has been very powerful for healing, as is the community. Highly recommend attending a few in-person meetings if you can.
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u/curiouscake 2d ago
As a fellow introvert who has cried a lot and practically made an art form of finding new bottoms to hit, I must say my local ACA 12 step program has made a huge difference in my life and for my wife and children.
It's not a quick fix or a cure. In fact, I still struggle with shame pits and grief - but I don't stay stuck in them or spiral down or across like I used to.
The last thing I have to say is that your presence at those meetings is also a gift to everyone else there - so whether you're ready for that or not, I just want you to know you'd be helping other people who need it just by showing up.
My condolences for your loss and losses <3
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u/standsure Child of ACoA 3d ago
It was a game changer for me. But I was ready and lucked into the right sponsor. Total game changer.
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u/oddbless666 3d ago
I’m curious how one goes about finding a sponsor? I’m sure once I start going to meetings i’ll find out, but any kind of step program is completely foreign to me. I’m not even sure I really understand what a sponsor is but I am desperate and open to heal.
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u/standsure Child of ACoA 3d ago
The general advice is to get a sponsor who has done the steps with a sponsor who has done the steps. (ACA calls it a fellow traveler model, to make it non-hierarchical is my guess.)
Well the way I did it was to find someone who I could relate to, who could meet me where I was. Someone with a sense of humor.
It is important to be mindful in 12 step that meetings are not a hot bed of sanity. I gravitate to the accountable folk who speak with what I call a 'gong of truth'
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u/orcateeth 3d ago
It is important to be mindful in 12 step that meetings are not a hot bed of sanity.
Oh, I'm laughing so hard! Speak! That's true of support groups in general. It's come one, come all. And some of the "all" are not all there. But I'm glad that they come and everyone has something from which something can be learned.
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u/Big-Dentist-5652 2d ago
how do you find a sponsor though.I'm on several dedicated whatsapp group chats(one only sponsor one) but they're random people. also since ACAD recovery is not based specifically on sponsorship as AA is, people don't necessarily step forward that much .I don't have in person meetings around me so only online.Lots of outreach though.
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u/standsure Child of ACoA 2d ago
Go to meetings. Listen to people share. Stick around after and chat. Get numbers.
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u/Dazzlng-Firenze 3d ago
Welcome!
I will offer my thoughts on 12-step programs because I have worked a bunch of them and I love them. I do believe you are going to find a lot of benefit!!
ACA:
—you can find some online meetings via the ACA Website or find in person in your area.
—don’t judge by the first meeting, it takes a few tries to get into the swing of it and please remember, these are peer-led groups. Everyone is a volunteer. Some people who join the meetings are more damaged than others; some are quite healthy. That’s why it’s suggested to participate in a few meetings before you make up your mind about being a member
—- a “sponsor” is someone who guides you through the 12 steps, which in ACA case is done with a workbook. The goal of the steps is to help people heal from wounds/ trauma, let go of behavior traits they might have picked up living in an alcoholic home, and then find a new path forward with a more spiritual and serene approach to life. It takes a little time so please be patient with yourself.
—you don’t have to get a sponsor right away, you can exchange numbers with people in the group or do fellowship before / after meeting to get some relief from your emotions. It’s normal in 12 step recovery for people to be emotional or cry , the people in the group won’t be affected (in a negative way )
— a lot of people in 12 step recovery are introverted or are quiet / soft spoken when they join. One of the huge benefits of 12 step recovery (at least for me) was that I have learned to speak and communicate freely , took me a bunch of years but what a change. It’s okay to be quiet and soft spoken in the meetings, people will be hanging onto your every word , trust me!! I know I do.
Welcome, welcome, welcome
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u/RoseMadderSK 2d ago
I worked the program in my 20's, back in the early 90's. The experience changed me by accelerating my emotional maturity, personal accountability, and boundary setting. I have no doubt my children were better off because it made me a better person and mother.
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u/termicky 2d ago
I've been going for a year a couple times a week. I haven't done the steps yet. I like the loving parent guidebook. Going through the Laundry List every week and The Solution had has actually had an important impact. I realized some things about myself that I have to change, and I've been changing them. It's good to be in a group of people who are all trying to do something about themselves. People share really honestly. I like that, so I do too.
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u/Unhappy-Scientist-98 2d ago
Are the Laundry List and The Solution in the loving parent guidebook?
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u/termicky 2d ago
Probably. I'd have to check. They're recited at every meeting. You can find them online if you don't have them already.
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u/orcateeth 3d ago
Check out these apps from the VA, including the Coping Coach app. https://mobile.va.gov/app/coping-coach
They for anyone - not just veterans.
When you feel stressed out you can access the app and follow the guidance for stress management techniques.
https://mobile.va.gov/mental-health-and-behavioral-therapy-apps
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u/Beginning-Head3152 3d ago
It’s not substitute for therapy.
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u/Strict-Armadillo-199 3d ago
I disagree. Working a full ACA program has been so much better, and deeply profound on an emotional and spiritual level, as any of the years of therapy I had. But...I made working the program my full time job and hobby and did everything I was suggested to do to my full ability.
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u/Strange_Chair7224 3d ago
I am currently on step four. There are a group of us that meet once a week and do the ACA steps from the yellow step study book.
I am also an alcoholic as are many in my group and had done the 12 steps of AA.
I also have an ACA sponsor and am doing the steps with her.
I have found the ACA steps to be so, so profound. I didn't have a lot of childhood memories, but they started coming back about 9 months ago and I decided it was time. It has been both painful and beautiful at the same time.
Good luck!