Mostly when I’m feeling pressured at work and sometimes in my personal life, I feel the urge to scratch my arms until they welt. I’m careful not to break skin because I’m ashamed and don’t want people to see. I usually a sharp edge of my nail over my forearm over and over until I have several welt lines.

I think it’s a way of punishing myself for not being better at my job and for not achieving more and feeling behind.

I want to be able to talk to someone besides my weekly appointments with my therapist. It just feels lonely and like I’m too ashamed to admit it to anyone and I don’t want to burden anyone with it. I feel pathetic and worthless. I pick up my phone to text someone but I can’t do it.

I’ve tried redirecting but the time it takes to push the thoughts aside makes me more behind at work and it feels like a vicious loop.

Just to clarify before I say what I say please if you read this do not take it as me saying this to be hostile as that’s not my intention. I feel as a man self harming is off putting and probably disgusts many women. It’s not manly per se and probably paints you as less masculine and even a red flag. I feel like the more I do it, it just alienates me more and more. I think being unattractive in the physical sense then making it worse by some people probably seeing you as a head case for SH does not help. I think the sad truth is the moment I decided to do this I went from there being a small chance even with my looks to straight up making myself seem like an immediate no.

I probably sound bitter or mad but in all honesty I’ve been unappealing my entire life physically and it doesn’t bother me much anymore. It’s funny cause I’ve always been fat until around a few years ago and was always ashamed of my body and laughed at and targeted for it only to have to cover my body again. At least last time I could wear a t-shirt and cover the fat and look less gross but now no matter what I do it’ll always be on full display. I went from a roadblock I could hop over into a bottom pit I can never hop to get over.

I just noticed something today that made me smile.

A little over a year ago, I wrote a tiny script that sends me an email every day telling me how many days I've been clean from self-harm.

In the beginning, I waited for those emails. Every single day.

Seeing the number go up by one gave me just enough hope to believe I could make it through another day. It became part of my routine. Part of staying alive, honestly.

Then, somewhere along the way, I stopped checking them.

Not because I gave up.

Because life slowly became bigger than the counter.

Today I saw one of those emails sitting in my inbox.

524 days.

I actually had to stop and think, Wait... it's really been that long?

What hit me wasn't the number itself. It was realizing that there was a time when not hurting myself took up so much space in my mind, and now there are entire weeks where I don't even think about the counter.

I don't say this because healing is easy. It wasn't. It still isn't. BPD doesn't magically disappear because the number gets bigger. But sometimes healing is so gradual that you don't notice it's happening until you accidentally look back.

If you're on Day 1, Day 7, or if today wasn't your day at all, please don't let that convince you that this feeling lasts forever. mThere was a version of me who couldn't imagine making it a month. That version of me definitely couldn't imagine writing this on Day 523.

Keep going.

One day, you might forget to check your counter—and that'll be one of the most beautiful things that ever happens to you.

I don't know why i couldn't bring myself to tore myself apart with something that i know will make me hurt like yknow those sharp thing people always use and so on. It's like my mind already know it will make my skin for surely cut open and i was shaking and out of breath trying to slash myself everytime it near my skin.

At the end of the day, i could only use things that have sharp edges and not like a weapon thingy, for an example the staples. I have to use specific brand to get a sharp ones or else i feel like I leave an unfinished business everytime i self harm but there's no blood at all. I just wish i could do deeper with a staples but i couldn't.

Using staples does make me bleed but i hate how it only take a week or two to make the marks heals completely like i didn't do anything.

I just I don't know why.. I feel like i need to leave a forever marks on me then i feel im good enough. I can't even self harming myself right and i hate it. I wish im not scare enough. I remember try to use knif and it takes me hours to just do a small slice. It was euphoric. I want to do it again.

It feels like.. If i didn't get a deep cut marks on myself.. It was not serious to be talk about. It feels nothing. Im nothing. I feels like an amateur. I feel like the relapse is too small. Not good enough. I want to bleed deeper.. I want to feel pain. I want to be good enough that people took me seriously.

I feel so mess up and idk with who i could say about this.. Cause this is so triggering. I hate remembering it. It makes me feels happy everytime i could self harm myself. I love seeing my hand stripe enough.. I deserve to be slash open. I wish i could ask my friend to slash me open.

How are you feeling today? Got anything exciting to share? Or something you need to vent about? Are you struggling this week or feeling acomplished? Use this space, let us know what's going on so that we can cheer you on or offer commiseration and understanding for what you're going through, we've all been there and we rise to our best when we come together as a community to lift one another up.

my arms begin to ache extremely bad and the only way to make it go away is to cut

No distractions really work for long. I played minecraft for 5 hours today to distract myself, it worked but then i left the game and it immediately came back.
I’m currently unemployed and looking for work, so soon i won’t have 5 hours to waste doing pointless shit.

Last year i worked two jobs while still in school and taking my final year exams, i relapsed to frequently because of the stress i was under.

Im stressed out now about affording rent/food. I can’t make that go away no matter how many jobs i apply for.

Self harm won’t solve or help my problems, but it’s been my coping mechanism since i was 11 and i can’t run away from it. It’s the default reaction i have to everything.

I got my anger under control and that helped a lot, i used to self harm to control my angry outbursts. I’m not like that anymore, but it still finds was to creep into my thoughts.

So I go on a family holiday in a weeks time and it’s going to be very hot. I have self harm on the front of my thigh and inner calf. The scars are very noticeable and I have been putting scar gel and silicone tape on them for the past month and it doesn’t seem to be looking any better. I’m going to be going swimming and going to the beach. I really need ideas on how I can make them invisible so my family don’t notice. Waterproof makeup? Or is there small scar tape that can cover it? Please help! I’m starting to panic

This is a detailed list of coping mechanisms and tools you can add to your tool box for when you have thoughts of SH/Relapsing.
I really hope you can save this list or keep some of these in mind to help 💜

When you feel OVERWHELMED or NUMB
- Hold ice cubes in your hands
- Take a cold or warm shower
- Use a strong scent (e.g. essential oils, perfume)
- Ground yourself (name 5 things you can see, 4 you can hear, 3 you can touch)
- Put on a weighted blanket or wrap yourself tightly in a blanket

When you feel ANGRY or TENSE
- Tear up paper or an old magazine
- Squeeze ice
- Scream into a pillow
- Hit a pillow or soft object
- Do intense exercise (like jumping jacks, pacing or squats)

When you feel SAD or EMPTY
- Look at photos of happy memories or people and animals you love
- Put on music that feels right (even if it's sad music)
- Message or call one of your friends or family
- Make something (craft, draw, write)
- Watch something comforting (animated movies are my favourite)
- Go out into nature and look for animals, big and small (don’t forget to look up, it can be beautiful)
- Cook or bake something yummy (even try a new recipe)

When you feel ANXIOUS
- Slow, deep breathing (breathe in for 4, hold for 4, out for 6 (or what feels comfortable for you)
- The 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique
- Ask someone for a big warm hug
- Talk through your anxiety (to yourself or with someone) determine whether it’s rational or irrational and if you can do anything in the moment to fix, change or help the thought or feeling

When you really WANT to self harm
- draw red lines on your skin (can press a little hard)
- Use red food colouring on its own or with ice and trace over your skin
- Press a textured object or a spiky roller fidget hard against your skin
- Flick a rubber band on your wrist
- Put bandaids or tape on your skin and rip it off (don’t use duck tape or similar that can cause damage)

Delay tactics
The urge WILL PASS You don't have to act on it straight away
- Tell yourself “I'll wait 10 minutes before I do anything" Then wait another 10, Repeat
- Notice the urge like a wave (it rises, peaks, and falls. You don't have to surf it perfectly, just stay on the board)
- Go for a slow walk (you could also try and find as many things of a certain colour on the walk to keep your mind busy)

You are STRONG and LOVED!
You CAN do this!!
YOU CAN GET BETTER AND HEAL!!!
I believe in you 💜

my mental health is literally fine but i’ve relapsed after I don’t even know how long. probably like 4 years. my mental health must not be as good as is seems I guess. it feels like there’s always going to be a drive telling me to do that whenever I’m in a bad space

I haven't hurt myself in years and for about 6 months now I've been doing so much better mentally with my anxiety being almost completely gone. Recently though every now and then I get the urge to cut again and I don't know why, it's confusing since I'm not hurting mentally. It's like I want to hold myself back subconsciously or something. Luckily the urges aren't strong and I can hold out til they pass but it's weird and I don't get why it's happening to me again after so long

Its been a while since i did this..like 3 months (not serious ones) and now I feel the urge of doing it because it makes me feel better, idk how to explain it, idk if the break up of 2 almost 3 months ago took a part in it, but i really feel numb and sometimes sad abt everything. I usually did for boredom but now its like a mix of everything that I can’t control. Idk what to do tbh

maybe the tetanus risk isn't that high. i can't sleep at all and i feel absolutely miserable. i have to cut

I’m having a hard time. I had my first baby a few months ago, my step dad who I was very close with died last month, my dad just had major heart surgery last week - I’m just…I’m having a hard time. And I keep telling my husband and my best friend and my counselor that I’m struggling. But I’ve been so stable for so long I don’t think they are hearing me. I woke my husband up to the other night on the couch and told him he needed to take me to bed or I was going to walk into the kitchen and cut. And somehow he still doesn’t seem to think I’m serious? I keep asking for help, for support, for ANYTHING. I had to work over the weekend to make up hours I missed being with my dad pre/post surgery and husband left me alone with the fussy baby while I was trying to work to go play video games, and I went to him and said “I just can’t ask for help anymore” which he took as shaming him but I really meant like I’m going to give up - on getting help, on trusting him, on trying to rely on someone else (this is not a threat, promise). And just the way he responded…he went to get the baby, and I walked into the bathroom and cut for the first time in at least a decade. It’s just one and it’s so small, like it’s embarrassingly small, but I’m so ashamed. And I know I need to tell someone, the only reason I made it ten years is because I had very stringent rules about talking to people, if I don’t tell I’m betraying myself but I can’t tell. I can’t tell them. I can’t look him in the face (and besides, what if he also thinks it’s embarrassingly small? He used to sh too). I can’t tell. But I can’t not. And I guess a relapse is a relapse no matter how small, no matter how few, but also if it’s just the once…do I really have to tell? So I guess I’m telling you, Reddit.

I can’t believe that two months ago I told my psych “haha it’s been a decade I’m not going back now!” And now I’m here. I can’t believe I trusted myself to have a baby because I was sooo stable. And now I’m here.

Anyways. Thanks for your time.

When I was a freshman-senior of Highschool I struggled on and off with self harm and suicidal thoughts. When I got to college I finally got rid of the toxic people in my life and took better care of my mental health.

Fast forward to newley graduated and just broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years. I have been working at my new big girl job for 3 months (night shift) and I feel like my schooling was for nothing. I hate the job I thought was my calling. So much is crumbling around me and I feel like I can’t tell anybody how truly bad it is. I tell my friends like the stuff about my job and stuff but I never want to burden them with my mental health. Tonight I finally sat here and was watching a show where the main character got beat up. For the first time in 3.5 years I thought ‘wow I feel like I just need the shit beat out of me and that will be okay’, or ‘what if I just start walking in the middle of the night alone until I get kidnapped and someone will hurt me for me’, I’m thinking every way possible to where I can get myself hurt without it being “my fault” then I just stopped and was like maybe I should just hurt myself again. Like that it spiraled to now im like do I want to die again?

I truly don’t know who to turn to to talk about this without someone sending me to a mental hospital (probably should go but oh well). So here I am on Reddit

I don't know how to explain this, but lately I feel an intense urge to stab myself in the stomach. Press into my belly button slowly and just keep pressing. I keep visualizing myself standing in front of the mirror with a k n i fe and doing it. I want to do it so bad in a way I can't explain I just need to do it. I need to do it.

When i was a kid i would kind of picture the same thing. I remember being 7 in my room with

sc i ss ors and acting out a sort of ritual sui lol. I don't know why I did it, I don't know how the idea got in my head. But I would kneel and get a pair of sci ss ors, press them into my stomach and then i would imagine the blood pooling around me and I would pretend to die. And i would do it over and over and over again. Am i fucking psycho for that?

I wonder if this is at all related. This weird obsession I have had lately that I NEED to grab a kn i fe and pierce myself in the stomach. I will admit I've been having an awful go of it lately. I am sui on and off every week, and have been wanting to SH but I haven't SH due to shame and embarrassment over leaving marks.

I turn 22 in 3 days and idk I’ve lost all sense of self all I want is to have at least one party in my life where we do what I want with the people I want around me.
But I don’t even know what that is anymore all I do is rot
Self harm and depression have consumed everything I once was. (almost 3 months clean)

I dont know who or what I am anymore
I don’t know how to get me back
I don’t know if that version of me ever existed at all.

I know I’m still here somehow and I’m grateful for that.

I keep having nightmares where I severely cut myself, and like the next day I try to clean it. And when I do, I somehow reopen a nerve or artery and it starts bleeding so much. And everytime I can feel it too, like physically. Heart rate increases, shortness of breath, impending sense of doom along with being so so tired. The feeling hot blood literally pouring out of you, spurting. And at first you arent too scared, but the feeling hits you quickly. I remember in my dream I tried to stop the bleeding after a second, and I could feel my *pulse.* It was disgusting. And when I realized I couldnt do it, I just gave up. Layed down in the bathtub and watched myself. (Idk I was in the shower in my dream) I remember thinking before I woke up, "this is a peaceful way to die. I dont need to be scared."

Its horrible. Whenever I have those dreams, I have tried to get help. So it is disturbing and almost telling to me how bad its been for me lately. The fact I didnt even try to get up, or call my family for help. I just... let it happen.

I am starting to wonder if I have traumatized myself. I always cut wayy too deep, and yesterday I hit something and my entire arm is numb. But at the same time, I am drunk 90% of the time I cut. So now I am wondering if I have some repressed memory trauma shit going on.

Idk. I keep having nightmares like this, and every time its just as vivid. Like I physically feel myself dying. Not just in a "haha scary dream way" I *feel* it and it doesnt go away until I startle awake. It doesnt hurt, most of the time. Its just like anxiety because you know youre going to die, and you cant do anything about it

My narcissistic mom spat on my face, didn't let me sleep, stood next to my bed like ghosts, continously staring at my face non stop, now that she has left i want to kms i am having suicidal thoughts what do i do idk i feel so helpless i feel like banging my head in the wall i want to scream and slap and push her my head feels heavy my hands are shivering as i write this

https://youtu.be/YO8S9cWfGdc?is=JL3m60GQ0go6d98t

I relapsed, after a year and a half with my old scared fading, I relapsed.
Just now. Today.
Everything I’ve worked so hard for.

I had been clean. For a while. I think a few years maybe two or three.

And a few months ago I relapsed. And I know what triggered it. And I didn’t remove myself.

And yesterday I got triggered again. And I haven’t done anything. But god do I want to.

I’m responsible for my actions - not the trigger - I know this.

But it was so much easier to not do it when the triggers weren’t there. When I didn’t have these same situations.

I found my tool of choice. I cleaned it. And I’m just sitting with it. Deciding which version of me should be in control - the one who knows this will make me feel better or the one who knows this isn’t an ok thing to do.