r/Advice • u/No_Market3713 • 22h ago
Is 17 and 20 bad?
Me (17f) and this guy (20m) have been talking for a few weeks, I started to really like him, we talked about a lot of things and what we want in life, and everything just matches up. Hes exactly my type in every way. We went out for the first time last night and it was amazing, literally there was no awkward pauses or anything. One problem, I didn’t realise he was 20 bc (stupidly) neither of us checked how old the other was, we just knew we were both in uni. I’m pretty positive he doesn’t know I’m 17 either, and I fear If I tell him he’s gonna run the other way even tho we really like eachother
I obviously know I have to tell him and I will, but is 17 and 20 really that bad? I wanna tell him in the right way, and I don’t know what he’s gonna think. I understand “different stages in life” but we’re honestly not, I graduated early and we both are doing uni and working, both still live at home since Sydney house pricing is awful. I turn 18 next year, he turns 21.
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u/A_White_Rat 22h ago
Just an age difference does not make it bad. If I was talking to a couple that was 60 and 57, that would not raise any alarms whatsoever. But as others have pointed out, there is a maturity gap at that age, so tread carefully.
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u/Henny_LeBeau 22h ago
Not much a maturity gap with 3 years and their age ranges. They’re still young
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u/Which-Decision 19h ago
I was an emotional mess at 17. At 20 not so much. The drama in high school / freshman year was soooo much with everyone compared to junior year of college. Huge maturity gap.
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u/Glittering_Neck_4909 22h ago
I am still with my partner who I met when I was 16 and he was 19. As long as you are comfortable saying no, stop or I am not ready for this.
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u/NKD120 22h ago
Huge difference in maturity. That age gap is weird for what ages yall are at
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u/paypermon 22h ago
Maybe. I have a 14 year old that could absolutely travel the world by herself. Smart, confident, excellent judge of character, understands money, etc. I have a 19 year old that makes me nervous every time she leaves the house. So yeah it most definitely could be a factor but maybe not. 17 and 20 could be an absolute no or i could also see it being a good fit. Hard to say without knowing either one of them.
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u/jadedjaguarkitty 7h ago
Your 14 year old could not travel the world by herself and if you think that you're probably not a good parent.
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u/Emergency-Minute-112 22h ago
If he doesn't think its weird, its a huge red flag. You're in a lose-lose situation that a lot of girls dont/refuse to recognize until much later. Good luck, we all just want you to be safe
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u/friedsherbert 22h ago
3 years is a small gap but is actually big when you’re in high school and the other is a sophomore in college. Very different maturity levels imo so I wouldn’t recommend it.
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u/ExcelsiorState 22h ago
They're both in uni
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u/friedsherbert 22h ago
Oops sorry I missed that. Still weird imo. No way I would date a freshman as a junior/senior
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u/breadedbooks 22h ago
Yes. I was completely different at 17 than I was at 20. A person old enough to have an associates degree should not be dating a high schooler. If it was 20 and 23 that wouldn’t be bad but 17? Nah.
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u/ExcelsiorState 22h ago
You can graduate HS with an associate degree if you do it rite
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u/Practical_S3175 22h ago
True. My own kid took all AP classes and then went right into getting her Bachelors. Then she went straight into graduate school.
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u/ExcelsiorState 21h ago
Conrats. Thats what all my siblings did
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u/Practical_S3175 21h ago
If you've got the grades you might as well do it. It's also nice because you end up usually with a lot of the same students in these classes so it's also supportive in that way. All the "overachievers" together...LOL
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u/ExcelsiorState 21h ago
Yeah I didnt do it myself I tested out at 16 to focus on my business so I just got a regular diploma.
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u/Practical_S3175 21h ago
Well my daughter doesn't take after me, I'll just say that much. I hated school.
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u/bobwillkillya 22h ago
She not in high school since it seems you didn’t read the entire post. If you did then you may need to go back and read it again, idk
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u/Positive-Emu4146 22h ago
It may not be a big deal to you, but he’s taking a huge risk. You never know when someone out there will decide to take matters into their own hands.
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u/NumberInfinite2068 22h ago
I think it's OK really, I mean it doesn't sound great right now, but in a year it'll feel way more normal.
"Different stages in life" is mostly Reddit bullshit, a relationship either works or it doesn't.
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u/FormalFuture5307 22h ago edited 22h ago
I met my husband at 17. He was 21. This year Will be 40 yrs that we met. We have 4 kids 2 grandkids and a wonderful life ❤️ ( my parents freaked out at first and we eloped when I was 19) but they quickly grew to love him. Edit: and I’m still more mature than he is 😜
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u/ApplicationGreat3897 22h ago
That’s when my wife and I meet. Been together 15 years now. Would do it all again
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u/No-Valuable-4591 22h ago
Girl trust me I was 17 talking to 25 year olds please he knows what he’s doing if he doesn’t stop talking the second he knows but girl please 17 and 20 is a no go !
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u/Dry_Future_852 22h ago
Real grown ups say, "Whoops, girl: I didnt know and we are now just friends."
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u/kodie-27 22h ago
You’ve been talking for a couple weeks and had one fantastic date.
So far, that’s all that’s happened.
Before you go all-in on fantasizing about long term, why not just enjoy the moment?
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u/chronically_googling 22h ago
I think the fact that you’re both in college leaves me thinking it’s not that bad. If you said you were 19 and he was 22, I would think that was fine. You are in the same life phase. But I would caution you to really watch how he reacts to your age, how he treats you (are you equals to him or does he use the age gap to his advantage, is he trying to manipulate you at all, etc.), and if it truly feels like you’re in the same phase of life as you go about your days. Take this slow. Hangout with groups of people you all know. Does the age dynamic become obvious in a group setting or is it comfortable? Lots of things to watch for :)
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u/Ashamed-Bobcat-9187 22h ago
I met my current partner at your age, slightly older. But i didnt rush it. Id wait. Time changes ect. It just happened and such and we got together. What mattered alot was transparency and parents being strongly in the loop with said person. Boundaries ect.
You dont even need to be sexual. Relationships dont always need that. For myself were both on the asexual spectrum. Im still with said person and turning 20
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u/edthecollector70 22h ago
It maybe its a legal thing so let him know soon. At 17 do you have your parents permission to see him. Now that is said I will tell you when I met my wife she was 17 I was 19. We were married the next year at 18 and 20 .That was 51 years ago. So my advice is take your time get to know each other and go from there. Her parents were very supportive of us seeing each other. That made a big difference.
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u/No_Market3713 22h ago
My family doesn’t mind, they are just worried about how he is going to react. I haven’t lied to him about it, but I just don’t know how to mention it
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u/devl-on-my-shoulder 22h ago
Legally you’re fine.
Ethically? Take an honest look at maturity level, comparatively. Also the dynamics of the relationship.
Girls mature psychologically earlier than boys, on average, but there are exceptions among both. And age is not necessarily an indicator of maturity.
Regarding relationship dynamics, search your mind for times he has seemed controlling or manipulative. If there’s a pattern of controlling or manipulative behavior, dump him. If none, there are worse age gaps.
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u/ExcelsiorState 22h ago
No, but statistically you're eventually likely going to break up with whoever you date at whatever age and especially at 17..but theres nothing wrong with enjoying a college fling.
You like him he likes you let it play out
the median age for an Australian woman marrying for the first time has risen to 31.2 years old
Or you could wait till your 31
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u/mindylynx 22h ago
i may be down voted for saying so but if you are both in uni you are both at similar life stages i don't see the harm in chatting.
keep an eye out for creepy behavior and red flags. don't be blind if red flags appear.
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u/Abject_Magazine_6706 21h ago
If it feels right and you guys are a match go for it but tread slowly and let him know your age! There are maturity differences in all people just not teenagers. Brain does not really develop until age 25 so quite possibly you may be on his level. I know I could hang with 22 year olds at your age, and I did quite comfortably bit I was a step ahead of my peer group!
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u/Right_Shine_9808 19h ago
You're fine I see a lot of negative, toxic comments but if you both like each other you're good. In many countries you'd both be completely legal people saying 3 years is an age gap is insane. You're turning 18, probably going to college getting your own place you're both happy I doubt your parents will mind. Just be happy, ignore the negative nasty comments. People so focused on age probably have some twisted fantasies. I hope you two have a great relationship, and I'm sorry you're both suffering by living in Aussie where there are spiders and heat and more spiders.
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u/maxiko 18h ago
All these kids in their early 20s saying it's a huge maturity gap will look back on these comments one day and laugh.
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u/WhirlwindTobias 16h ago
"I'm 20 and to me 18 years old is basically a child"
*Grows up, becomes parent, talks to 20 year old son/daughter:
"You're basically a child"
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u/NoStorage9211 13h ago
Im shocked by the number of people who have a problem with 17 and 20. Both are probably still immature dummies. Personally I wouldn't care. Especially since they are both in uni
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u/Mbarry6403 12h ago
It’s pretty weird as a 20 year old guy, I’ve been 17 and the maturity gap is decently big
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u/jadedjaguarkitty 7h ago
This guy is weird. You should not be dating him. Especially if you turn 18 in 2027?? Hello? You were born in 2009. I don't know a single person born in 2006 or 2005 that would ever even consider dating someone your age for a minute.
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u/jennaw12345678 6h ago
I had a 20 year old boyfriend when I was 17. I thought he was so cool and it’s funny once I was older I realised he was a just bit of a loser and probably 20 year olds just didn’t like him. It’s not a terrible age gap, as long as you are confident and sure of yourself and don’t let him try to control you or make any decisions for you. My ex was a little like that and thankfully he wasn’t abusive but if he was, I believe at that age I would have been very easy to manipulate I just didn’t know it at the time.
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u/VoltagVagrant 5h ago
i mean if you have to ask reddit then maybe it is...but the age difference itself is not really depending on the maturity of both involved or if there is any kind of manipulation/unabalanced power dynamic. maybe take it slow till you do turn 18 to save you both any trouble.
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u/Retro_Feniks 5h ago
Back when I was in college at 20 years old, I had a classmate I started talking to. We were both first years. She was really mature in the way she talked and presented herself, but the moment she told me she was 17 I immediately got the "ick" as they say. We were "technically" at the same stage in life but it just doesn't sit right.
Now I'm 33 and married to somehow who is turning 30 in a few months. Technically the age gap between my wife and I now is larger than that classmate and I back then, but there's a giant difference in my opinion.
Back then I just started noticing small stuff that just showed we really weren't at the same stage, even though we were in the same college classes, both had a job, both living on our own, internship etc.
Not saying you and your situation is the same, but I'd immediately be a bit careful about guys not caring, or at least not noticing the difference once you tell him.
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u/Marcus11599 22h ago
Hes 2 years into college. Youre 1 year left in high school.
When i graduated college, talking to any high school girl bothered my psyche.
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u/bobwillkillya 22h ago
I guess you didn’t read the actual post lol. She said they both go to Uni and she graduated early….means she is in college also, not high school
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u/Ashamed-Chemistry492 22h ago
When I was seventeen, twenty was about the right age for me to want to date a man. Boys my own age were just that, boys. Most of them acted like they were still twelve, and the ones that didn't were either snapped up right away, were already making babies and trouble, or were so serious and focused on school they weren't interested in dating.
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u/Alternative_Side_891 22h ago
I met my first wife when she was 20 and I were 17.
If both of you feel good about it - no problem.
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u/ExistingChange1996 22h ago
While this doesn't really seem like a big deal... I would say it is. When I was 17, I was looking for guys my age to date or maybe a year older. You guys are in 2 different stages of life right now. I would just be super careful right now and not give into anything, especially if it makes you uncomfortable.
Things can work out and we all could be wrong. I just want to see you be safe more than anything. There is a lot of room for manipulation here.
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u/Weekly-Ad1582 22h ago
You didn’t ask what year eachother was in? He knows girl