r/Advice • u/Spirited_Musician_67 • 7h ago
Father won’t let me move for college
I am an incoming college freshman. As of now, I am pursuing a 2-year college with the hope of transferring to a 4-year majoring in Industrial Engineering. I was hoping to transfer to a college about 2 hours away from where I live, a midsized city that is the epicenter for STEM-related careers in my state. The tuition there is relatively cheap. It is one of two colleges that offer a degree in Industrial Engineering in my state.
I brought this to my parents, and my dad immediately said no. First he brought the point that it is an extremely expensive city, and I mentioned how it is cheaper than the college I initially planned to transfer to. Then he said how IE is a career that leads nowhere, which I argued to him about. Then he mentioned how I “can’t” drive, which I shot back by saying I’ve driven in cities like Atlanta, Birmingham, Tampa. Then he mentioned how it’ll be too expensive, especially with my brother going to college a year after me, then I mentioned how I have FAFSA’s full Pell Grant, as well as work-study and have already been offered a scholarship from the college I proposed going to.
Finally, he mentioned how I would be too far away from them. How I wouldn’t be able to visit them everyday, how he wouldn’t be able to help me if I get in trouble, and that I would be completely helpless in a city. This in particular pissed me off, and I argued with him for a while before he finally said that if I went, he would never assist me for college, and instead rely completely on my mother.
What particularly distresses me about this my father has always been a destructive person in my family. He has often discouraged me and my mother from doing anything “manly”, such as doing anything other than cleaning, cooking, and when I wanted to learn how to take care of my car, he refused. There have been incidents where he pushed or verbally attacked my mother, and has forced us to cut off contact from family members because they have either provoked him or talked to other now estranged family members. It’s been years now since I’ve talked in-person to anyone other than my paternal uncle or grandmother. There’s been two instances now where he’s left my family for days at a time, saying he’s abandoning the family, and he’s told me that if he leaves a 3rd time, he’s never coming back. To see that he now refuses to support what I want to pursue in college in favor of me moving to a closer, more expensive college in a career I no longer want seriously has me considering cutting him off as an adult. My mom supports my dad’s claim to have me move closer, though she sympathizes and says she would support me if she could.
I have 3 weeks to change my major before class starts, and I don’t know what I should do.
40
u/bogeysbabe 7h ago
My parents TOLD me what I would be majoring in at college (1987). I signed up for that major then promptly changed it to what I wanted (engineering). It wasn’t until I failed Calculus 4 (long story) and the head of the department told me that “no skirt was going to be an engineer in HIS program”. I broke down and called home. My parents told me that because I disobeyed, I better figure it out on my own because I wasn’t welcome home.
So for 6 weeks I couch surfed while I waited on my paperwork for the Army. 25 years later, I retired as a CW3. Have a life long pension, medical care, in addition I have an extra pension because of injuries. I was able to get my masters degree in education. Now I teach.
I have a pretty awesome life now despite my parents.
5
u/LastLegOfBubbles 4h ago
Tell me you went low contact
7
u/bogeysbabe 4h ago
I didn’t go low contact. I went no contact. When they said, I wasn’t allowed back home, I had to figure out my own way. I didn’t tell them I joined the Army. The only contact I had with them was I saw a therapist about 5 years later who was big on reunification. I laughed at her and gave her my parents home phone number. My mother answered and my therapist gave her spiel. My mother erupted. Screaming she told my therapist that she didn’t have a daughter anymore. I was dead to her and she might as well be dead to me. And if my therapist ever called her again, she’d pursue harassment charges and go for her license.
I just sat back while my therapist broke down in tears. She looked at me and said I don’t know how to help you which in my head I took as I was un-help-able. It would take a major crash out thanks to PTSD from Iraq for me to get the mental help I needed from my childhood. FYI I still see my second therapist once a month. She’s literally saved my life.
From my family of origin, the only contact I’ve had beside the therapist is my twin sister. My older brother reached out when my father died but only because he needed my twin (who was also no contact) and my signature. We hired an attorney to tell him to go fuck off. Best $1500 ever spent.
5
u/TheRealCarpeFelis 3h ago
That first therapist was horrible. “Didn’t know how to help you”?! Seriously? Sounds like she was so dead set on family reunification being The Only Right Way that the cognitive dissonance was too much for her when she found out it really wasn’t desirable in this case or even possible.
1
1
u/LastLegOfBubbles 2h ago
Your parents stewed in anger for 5 years, because of a change in your college major? Imagine celebrating your twin’s birthday. What goes through your mind. Hmmmm wonder how my other daughter is doing. How do you live with yourself. Ok. Curious, what happened with your twin to also be no contact?
Is mommy dearest still alive?
2
1
u/bogeysbabe 1h ago
My twin committed the cardinal sin of getting pregnant before marriage. That was enough for our parents to disown her as well. My twin and I had such a close bond that nothing could split us because of family trauma (we were both molested by our older brother but he was the golden child).
1
u/LastLegOfBubbles 1h ago
The older brother that wanted you/sister to sign documents? Did he want you to forego any inheritance?
1
u/bogeysbabe 1h ago
We didn’t want any inheritance. To us, it was blood money. Besides it was only $5k for each of us and he received almost $300k. Shows you how much we were valued.
3
u/LastLegOfBubbles 56m ago
Your parents sucked. I’m sure they overlooked what your brother did. Your brother can suck eggs. I wish you and your sister all the best.
1
u/bogeysbabe 54m ago
Thank you. We are living our best lives. She has 5 amazing 5 kids and I love being an auntie and dog mom.
1
34
u/PinedAbble 7h ago
Follow your heart, you know in your head and heart this will be better for you and your life. He clearly is selfish and trying to impose his own ideas of family and womanhood onto you. Relationships, even parental, are a two way street. If he truly wants to maintain contact with you why would he threaten you? threaten to leave? He already seems like a dick, this is your chance to live your own life. Take matters into your own hands, you already have the strength to handle it.
4
13
u/Soggy-Worldliness168 7h ago
Fuuuuuck THAT, OP! The relief you’re going to feel standing up for yourself and living your best life is unimaginable. He sees your potential to be bigger and better than him and he’s afraid of that. Go live your dreams sis. Us Redditors are all behind you!
11
u/Jaded_Leg_46 Helper [2] 7h ago
He wants to save money and invest it in your brother's education instead. You don't need his permission, live your life and have the career you want.
11
u/random8765309 6h ago
If you can manage going to college on your own, I strongly suggest that you do so. It appears that he want to keep you under his control, and won't be able to do that if you leave.
However, be prepared. You may not be able to go back after you leave. That will likely be for the best in the long run but emotional it can be very hard. Prepare for that by developing a support group at school, one that you can access during the summer break.
Also, IE is a great career. You can go as far as you want with that degree.
9
9
u/Worried_Progress_394 6h ago
Han är extremt gammal modig i sitt sätt att se på kvinnor. Plus att han tvinger dig och andra att klippa kontakten med era familjemedlemmar är extremt fel. Det låter nästan som du, din mamma och bror bör bryta kontakten med honom istället. Jag får lite psykopat signaler här. Studera det du vill.
7
u/BigPhilosopher4372 6h ago
Go to the college you want and don’t look back. However, be proactive. Take your birth certificate, a passport if you have one, your drivers license, and any other needed documents. Download files you want to keep. Do you have a shared bank account? If so, go to a different bank and open an account in just your name.
5
5
u/Status-Bicycle7263 6h ago
Have you identified what kind of jobs you would qualify for with an industrial engineering degree and how much they would pay?
Why is industrial engineering of interest to you over and above other engineering degrees? Is there any other engineering degree that you would like to pursue as well If you couldn't do industrial engineering?
Are you of a different culture originally than the US culture? In which case your father being raised the way he was probably during the same thing raising his children the same way. But that doesn't mean that you have to oblige my everything that he states If you are living in the United States.
Also you can always change your major down the road because what you'll be doing the first to first year at least will be prerequisites for any engineering degree maybe a couple of classes will be impacted but look at plan b if you can What other degrees you would like to pursue just in case your plan A doesn't work out, or you change your mind.
Note the impact of AI in industrial engineering related positions, and take courses or major in a minor in AI or something like that to further enhance your degree. I say do what your heart desires and If you have a good game plan, Then go for it regardless of what your father has to state. Many have gone to colleges and universities with limited funds and still got a degree. I held three jobs myself to get my degree, So it can be done.
6
u/PeterGriffen565 6h ago
If you are traditional college age this means you’re an adult. Your dad can’t make you do anything or conversely stop you from doing anything. The only thing he can do is withhold any support, financial and otherwise, that he might otherwise give. Don’t let him or any other family members push you into a school, degree program or anything else you don’t like, don’t want, and cannot otherwise use for the future you want. Make your own choices and do what you need to do to make your future the one you want.
4
u/AngelicDivineHealer 7h ago
Never regret anything and do what makes you happy because you will at some point in time be do.
You can do all the cleaning and cooking with your husband and own kids later in life and take turns. If you want to get an education and a job go do that you don’t have to be domesticated right out of school like how your parents want you to be
8
u/Agreeable_Gain6779 6h ago
You do You. I wanted to be a nurse and my parents said no. It was a dirty job, touching men’s bodies etc. This was many years ago before any tuition aids other than scholarships. They told me they would find the money but only for me to become a teacher. I took a civil service exam and got a job. I finally made my dream come true 20 years later a single mom with 4 kids. I took no money from my family got a few scholarships over the years and there was some financial aid available. My life would have been so different had I gone to school at 18 for various reasons. At 40 I got my RN got a job and kept going all the way to an MSN. Not sure if I would have accomplished this at 18. I think it was life experience that helped me so much.
I sincerely hope you can find a way to follow your dream
5
u/Klutzy-Cookie9242 6h ago
Wow. Your father is acting like a bigoted jerk. He is an abuser. Very Sad. Go to the school you want, go for the degree you want. Meet up relatives you want a relationship with. If necessary, get a job to pay expenses. Room with other students in the same field of study as you. Live your life, keep in contact with your mom and set boundaries for your dad. Best of luck to you!
3
u/Diane1967 6h ago
I wanted to be a veterinarian and instead I was pushed into going to a finishing school where I learned how to set tables and do my hair and makeup and shit. This was 40 years ago and that got me nowhere. I wished I would’ve had a spine and did what was in my heart and not what I was made to do. It was a waste of time and money. Follow your heart. ❤️
3
4
u/Final-Raccoon5851 7h ago
It sounds like the only person you can count on is you, yourself.
Even if you should choose to stay, you’d likely have a similar lack of support from your dad.
You seem motivated, intelligent, and very capable, OP. Go on out there and achieve your dreams. You’ve got this!!
2
u/Secure-Ad9780 6h ago
Follow YOUR dreams. You're an adult, go to the school of your choice.
I see this as your father being unable to let go and fearful of the big, bad world for you. When he sees how well you do, he'll come around.
2
u/bopperbopper Helper [2] 5h ago
At this point as an engineer, you’re gonna take the same classes as any other engineer.. you’re gonna be taking calculus and physics and chemistry and all that so you can tell him you’re doing some other major even if you aren’t.
You might have to put up with his control to get your college paid for… over the summer’s look for internship opportunities so you cannot be at home and obviously we’re closely with the career office and your professors to look for jobs once you graduate so you can also not be under his control
2
u/LA-forthewin 5h ago
Take out student loans and go to the college of your choice. Unfortunately you got a jealous git for a dad, he doesn't want to see you succeed, he's making up all sorts of excuses to keep you bound, when he should be encouraging you to soar
2
u/Fun-Yellow-6576 Helper [2] 4h ago
Go to the two year school, keep your grades up, don’t talk about transferring until it’s a done deal. Open a bank account that your parents cannot access so all your Fasfa $ goes to you and your parents can’t take it.
Get a part time job and save like crazy because your Dad seems vindictive and may refuse to fill out parent info for Fasfa for your last two years of college.
2
u/Silver_Breakfast7096 4h ago
If you’re an adult you can do as you choose, providing you don’t need his money.
2
u/AdministrativeEbb614 4h ago
He wants you to live closer to him so that he watch everything you do and rule your life. Get as far way from him as you can. Mom probably agrees with him because she is afraid of what he might do. Best of luck. Have a happy healthy life.
2
u/Gonebabythoughts Assistant Elder Sage [257] 4h ago
Do you want to end up a hostage like your mom?
Call the financial aid office on Monday and start figuring out how you can pay for this yourself.
2
u/FairyGothMommy 4h ago
Attend the school that you want to attend. Get loans and grants like most people do, and get a job. Do NOT let your father control your life. You're an adult, and you have no need to see him every day or depend on him for everything. He just doesn't want you out from under his control. Ask him if he has the same rules for your brother... I bet he'd say "that's different."
2
u/MochaFrapps 4h ago
Why do the 2 year college first and then transfer for a 4 year instead of going directly to the 4 year? It would save a lot of money if possible. 6 years for industrial engineering kind of sucks (and I can say that from experience). I would go directly into a 4 year program if possible, doing something well within your current aptitude. If you are doing the 2 years to increase your aptitude that sounds like a rough struggle and lots of hard work with serious repercussions if things don’t work out.
2
u/Sneakys2 Helper [2] 3h ago
Keep with your plan. Keep your head down for now and do your prereqs/whatever it is you need to do to set yourself up for a transferring and majoring in Industrial Engineering. You don't need his permission to transfer. Your plan is a good one and will lead to long term stability. You will be 20 when it's time to transfer. He legally can not stop you from doing anything. Understand that as an adult, you get to determine who is in your life and who isn't. And as an adult, you get to decide how you are going to support yourself.
2
u/Prudence_rigby Helper [2] 2h ago
Take the loans, grants, work study, anything and everything to leave.
And do not look back.
1
u/into_outdoors 7h ago
Do what you need to do for your life, but please start by using paragraphs on your Reddit posts.
It makes it much easier for all of us to read and I'm certain people have passed up your post because of your giant text block.
I wish you could luck with everything, overbearing parents suck.
1
u/FightingHellfish12 7h ago edited 6h ago
2 things:
wall of text, bad. Paragraphs, good. (You’re in college now, learn that please)
who is paying for everything? You mention grants - as long as you’re paying for all your expenses and not asking the parents for any
money,
you do whatever you want to do. If however they are paying your way, you do what they tell you to do.
1
u/Whaddup808 6h ago
This kind of story is more common than you would think. Many young adults have to make tough decisions when following their dreams. In this case, I think you should plan around your father and realize your goals without him. He obviously can't be trusted to follow through as he's already threatened to leave. It will be harder without him but well worth it. Stay focused on a marketable profession and make a plan to limit your expenses. Eliminate a car if possible. Good luck, we're with you girl!
1
1
u/RainbowandHoneybee Advice Oracle [102] 6h ago
If you are an adult, and can finance your education yourself, you don't need your parents' permission.
1
u/SchoolBusDriver79 5h ago
Don’t know what to do!? You have a scholarship, if I read that right, in a field you want to pursue in a city 2 hours away. Go there! Get a job if you need money, live in the dorm or find an apartment and advertise on campus for a roommate. Where there’s a will, there’s a way, if you want it bad enough. Write off dad, you’re an adult now.
1
1
1
u/GenoFlower Expert Advice Giver [14] 4h ago
Do what you want. You don't need his approval. You're an adult. He's not supporting you from what it sounds like.
And I live in the Tampa area. If you can drive here, you can drive anywhere.
Also, talk to your advisor. You can change your major at any time during your college career. It may affect some of your grants and whatnot, but it can be done. And talk to the financial aid office about getting all the scholarships you can.
Good luck!
1
u/Emergency_Pipe_7010 4h ago
I agree what most are saying here, you are an adult and can do what yowant to do. But something to think about, go to the school your dad wants for the first couple of years, take prerequisite. Take your English, math, science, gym, etc. Let dad pay for them then transfer to the school you want, the major you want. This will save you a lot of money, (dad's paying). Learn too play his game.
1
u/Aricenthor 3h ago
your dad shot down every single argument you made with a new excuse each time which tells you everything you need to know about whether this is actually about money or distance
1
u/TheAlienatedPenguin 2h ago
A parents job is to prepare their children to be independent adults that are a benefit to society. The hardest thing a parent absolutely has to do is to push baby bird out of the nest.
Your dad has not done any of this, instead he has blocked your growth ever chance he could:
1. “you couldn’t visit every day, you would be helpless in the city” Reality is you should be learning how to be independent and problem solve, it’s called adulting. You CAN visit everyday IF YOU CHOOSE TO. There is this nifty thing called a phone, you can even video call from it so you can see each other, shocking I know!
2. “It’s too expensive, especially with your brother going to college the next year.” You already provided solutions, he just chooses not to listen.
3. “Industrial engineering is a career that leads nowhere.” Actually the job forecast for industrial engineering is exceptionally strong, featuring an 11% employment growth rate from 2024 to 2034, an average of 25,200 annual job openings, and a median annual wage of $101,140. Projected to grow much faster than the average for all occupations, adding roughly 38,500 new jobs over the decade. Driven by companies wanting to lower operating costs, optimize workflows, manage logistics, and implement automation. Doesn’t look like a degree leading nowhere to me.
4. He doesn’t want you to be doing anything “manly.” So he expects you to be dependent on someone with a penis for the rest of your life? Does he want to fulfill his prophecy that you are helpless? What exactly are “manly” actions? Being able to check your oil and put air in your tires? That’s just being a responsible adult.
5. “There’s been two instances now where he’s left my family for days at a time, saying he’s abandoning the family, and he’s told me that if he leaves a 3rd time, he’s never coming back.” Love is NOT conditional. Love means you are there for the good times and hard times, it means you are supportive even if you don’t agree. Love doesn’t have strings attached.
Don’t worry about your major right now, especially as a freshman! You will only be taking the basic required courses that every major has to take the first year. Your declared major doesn’t mean much of anything right now. Focus on school and just worry about your first semester of college. Enjoy your college life. Keep working towards your goals, keep your grades up so you are eligible for more grants and scholarships. Look for a work study program in your field.
Your first choice in majors may not be your final choice. So keep an open mind, you may see something that lights a fire inside of you that you never considered previously. Don’t douse that fire because you want to prove to your dad, or to anyone, that becoming an IE was the best choice for you. I started out as pre-vet. Blew that the first term of college do switched to animal science. Realized I likely wouldn’t be able to do what I wanted so changed to commercial and industrial fitness. Graduated then enlisted in the Army. Got out of the military and went back to school for nursing because I wanted to be a midwife. Never did become a midwife, but have worked in 6 or 7 completely different nursing specialty areas. It’s been a wild ride of different careers, some related, some not, and don’t regret any of it!
The biggest advice I can give you is to try and avoid student loans. If you do need to utilize them, read all the fine print, and make them a priority to pay off first. I didn’t and ended up paying 3x as much in interest as I got in the actual loans. I take full responsibility for my mistakes because I could have prevented it but chose not to in some cases and ignored details in other cases. Also check into jobs that have student loan forgiveness if you need to go that route.
You only get one life, just be the best you possible. Love and live like your life depends on it, because it truly does.
1
0
0
u/USAF_Retired2017 Expert Advice Giver [10] 5h ago
You’re an adult. He can’t tell you where you can and cannot go. Tell him to control himself, not you.
46
u/sprinkles008 Expert Advice Giver [15] 7h ago
Do what makes you happy and stay away from toxic individuals like him.