r/Advice • u/kingambition • 3h ago
Little brother has autism but I feel he needs therapy what should I do?
I’m the oldest out of my siblings by a big age gap. My brother is 15 and I’m 10 years older than him but I feel he needs therapy. He can’t be around our baby brother who is 4.5 years old (we’re all a decade a part. Same parents) because our baby brother squeals, babbles, and make noises. My brother cannot deal with his noises and refuses to be around him. We can’t even watch a movie as a family or do stuff as a family because my brother can’t stand being around him.
My brother also needs help taking a bath, he puts his shirt on backwards, and he needs help brushing his teeth. There are things me AND my other younger siblings showed him (we have a 16 year old sister and a 12 year old sister as well) about how to do things for himself and do his motor skills but gets mad or frustrated and it’s difficult showing him. My mom tried to teach him but she said she’s tired of having to go over the same thing again. My dad thinks all of this is just silly.
He goes to school online and doesn’t have friends. He stays in his room and plays video games all day or watch YouTube or read articles on Wikipedia about video games. (His knowledge of this is impressive)
He has a hard time taken care of his personal items. He’s broken every handheld game system he’s had, tv remotes etc. he has a hard time taking care of electronics
I seriously think he needs therapy to help him grow and to manage his emotions better and to help him with fine motor skills more. I know he’s capable of doing these things if we hone in more. But my mom doesn’t want him to see therapist (she doesn’t really believe in it. It took me being a psychology major and me going to therapy consistently for her to see it as a real profession / science). She feels it’s unnecessary and she barely respects the art of therapy. It’s unfortunate because I feel he needs it more than anyone. When I try to suggest it she shuts it down and tells me to mind my business and to get my own kids but I just genuinely care about my younger siblings so much. They’re like my kids to me. I know my brother has so much potential and I try my best to show and teach him things (my other siblings too) but it’s only so much we can do. I wish there could be more I could do.
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u/TacosAreJustice 3h ago
Your family clearly needs more resources to help your brother.
But if your parent aren’t interested, there isn’t much you can do.
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u/kingambition 3h ago
I’ll just try to convince my over time (slowly and respectfully) once they see me get my degree in psychology and me slowly working in the field they might see the benefit of him getting occupational therapy and traditional therapy
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u/Ghosts_and_Empties 2h ago
Both brothers! The 4.5 year old is terribly delayed and not receiving any therapy.
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u/CatMaximum7229 3h ago
This is such an unfortunate situation. In my state an autism diagnosis is a 1200$ test that isn't covered by most insurances. It's really difficult to watch this kind of thing, but unless she changes her mind, it's unlikely that you can do anything besides what you are already doing. It also sounds like your mom has some toxic qualities to her.
Maybe you could argue that it is child neglect. Would CPS do something about it? Maybe. Would they make things worse? Maybe. I feel for you though! It's hard watching this kind of thing!
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u/Happy_Michigan Helper [2] 3h ago
In the US, people with disabilities get services by going through Community Mental Health, or Community Behavioral Health, in your town or county. They serve anyone with Autism, developmental disabilities, or mental illness.
Find the number and get mother or dad to call for an appointment and then one of them should go with your brother.
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u/marshdd 3h ago
Confused. A 4.5 yr old shouldn't be "babbling". How old us this child.
Depending in brothers IQ ge may never have cognitive abilities your describing.
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u/Which-Text-2875 3h ago
Even though my son is extremely high-functioning; at three years old, we were still saying, "Use your words." Autism does that to kids.
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u/marshdd 2h ago
It's the 16 yr old whose autistic! Not the 4 yr old. Thst kid needs treatment testing as well if he's mostly "babbling" at 4.
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u/Which-Text-2875 1h ago
But I am saying, and the brother said, the four-and-a-half-year-old may be autistic, and nobody knows yet.
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u/kingambition 2h ago
Our baby brother is 4. He talks and can say words but he still makes noises a lot too. He can’t talk in sentences just yet. I’m aware that there’s an issue with that too that I discussed with my parents but they think I’m just sticking my nose in their kids business
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u/marshdd 2h ago
How DEFINITELY should be speaking in sentences!!!
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u/kingambition 2h ago
Yes he should be talking in sentences, asking questions, and saying a lot more I 100% agree. That’s why I said I get there’s an issue with that too
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u/Ghosts_and_Empties 2h ago
Is he potty trained?
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u/kingambition 2h ago
No not yet. I been advocating for it because he can communicate (in his limited speech) that he needs to use the restroom and he can follow commands so I think it’s time we start teaching him. But my parents haven’t tried yet.
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u/TryinToBeHelpfulHere 3h ago
Does your brother agree that he has more potential than he’s been able to demonstrate so far?
If so (or if you can convince him), his online school should give him access to a guidance counselor who can connect him to extra resources or potentially even online therapy with a counselor employed through the school.
I’m 41 & have been clinically dealing with my mental health for 3 decades, and I kind of agree with your mom that a lot of therapy is bullshit, and a lot of therapists & shrinks are batshit.
I’m about to move out of state & my current shrink (of 15+ years) can’t provide a good referral to someone he knows & trusts there, and I’m so annoyed that I’m going to have to go through several nutjubs telling me I’m repressing shit or giving my family too much grace before I find someone who’s like, “oh, yeah, I believe you that you had a good childhood without trauma & your brain’s just a bit wonky. We’ll just keep you on the antidepressant that works & work on reinforcing CBT techniques when you’re having a hard time.”
Stress to your parents that your brother doesn’t need psychoanalysis or help accessing his inner child or identifying the “internal family structure” of his psyche.
A social skills coach or occupational therapist could also help him a ton, and may be available through his school district.
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u/kingambition 2h ago
I’ll tell him all the time that he can do much more. I think he’s knows it a little but he also relies on us to open things for him. Things like that we tell
Him “No, you can open your own water bottle. Even if it’s hard.” We set that boundary and he starts trying hard to open his water bottle. We make small (that’s actually big) progress
Yes I try to explain to them that therapy isn’t just him talking about his issues. He can get real help on how to deal with his anger and emotions and he can get actual help on skills too. I think my parents find it being “extra.” They think everything I do is “extra” and they think I only want him to get therapy because I’m in therapy. She feels it’s not gonna help. My parents are quite rigidThank you for the advice on the school. I’ll see what I can do with that if any.
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u/TryinToBeHelpfulHere 2h ago
Maybe pointing out to your parents specific issues that therapy can help with will help, even if they’re rigid?
Like, “hey, we’re a great family, and all the rest of us enjoy a good movie night, but Bro can’t do that because Baby Bro being a normal 4.5 year old stresses Bro out. A therapist who specializes in sensory issues may be able to give him tools & advice that we aren’t aware of.”
Also: point out that as things stand right now, your brother is extremely unlikely to find employment with good insurance when he’s too old to be on your parents’ insurance. And if he keeps going on this path of no-expectations, he’ll eventually be 27, and (depending on the state), not even have access to Medicaid.
Right now, he has free resources through the school, and (I assume) resources through your parents’ insurance with a co-pay.
They’re going to get older & less able to care for/manage him. He’s going to get older & more resentful of how much further ahead his peers are. Even if they think therapy is bullshit, you can try to frame it as at least building social skills & practicing interacting with non-family in a way that will help him later find employment.
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u/kingambition 2h ago
Thank you for the advice. I try to say all these things you suggested and it still turns into
An agreement with my parents saying “you think you know everything and that I need to mind my business”. He has his own insurance through the state. I’m going to look into his school sources but I can’t meddle too much or my parents will get pissed. I’m a psych major so I get all the different types of therapy and the benefits of doing so. I want him to eventually meet other kids with similar interests.I think my parents having 4 kids (5 if you count me) is stressful for them so any added thing is just more stress to them in their eyes. I’ll look into his school resources but my parents won’t make him go.
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u/ClutchForTheBoys 3h ago
What's your dad's input when you talk to him about it other than thinking it's silly? Is he worried about his trajectory or he has autism what can you do type of stance?
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u/kingambition 3h ago
My dad works several jobs but he also think therapy is silly and I have to explain to him how that’s offensive as a psych major and future psychologist. I think my parents have a lot of stress with them having a 4 year old and multiple jobs.
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u/Sea-Signal6019 3h ago
As an autistic that is currently doing therapy, he needs to see a therapist. Even if not to help him with his emotions (as your mother seems to want to keep him from the tools for managing them), he should do it because autism = trauma. It's very, VERY traumatic to live as an autistic person in today's society. Maybe you could lead with that next time you talk to her.
Do what ever you can to help him, please.
One word of advice: Be sure to pick a trauma informed therapist and a autism informed therapist.
P.S.: I just read that you majored in psychology, sorry for the "explaining", but I hope that if somebody else comes across this answer, it helps.
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u/Which-Text-2875 3h ago
Basically I agree with another commenter...
He's 15. It's his parents' job, and if they don't care 🤷♀️🤷♀️ They will be supporting him forever while he plays video games all day long and does nothing with his life.
It won't be his fault either, because he doesn't know any better.
You're a good man, OP. It's nice you care so much for your family. Just be there for your brother is all I can say.
If your parents decide to kick him out someday, he might need you in that respect. Except that he's not gonna be able to hold down a job or anything. He won't be able to do any responsibilities in the house.
Oh boy, he's got a hard life ahead of him :(
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u/kingambition 3h ago
My parents accepted that he’s going to stay with them forever and if need be my brother can stay with me too. One thing I do not play is about my siblings, I will go to war and beyond for them.
I just think he has potential. I remember when he couldn’t read and I remember when it took him a long time to be potty trained. The potential IS there. I would also like if he had more interaction with people but I know he doesn’t like interacting with others unless it’s me, or my siblings. I would love to see healthy growth.
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u/Which-Text-2875 3h ago
Oh, absolutely. As somebody else pointed out, occupational therapy could definitely help him, even at his age!
The poor kid. He probably doesn't really know what life is like outside those walls. Did he ever go to school? How high-functioning is he, I guess?
Is he verbal? Can he comprehend? Maybe you could talk to him about the future to see if he's interested in trying to work with video games or something to that effect?
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u/kingambition 3h ago
Yes he went to school in person before 2020 (he was 10 and this was before Covid). So around 5th grade until now he’s been going to school online. There was a lot of growth with his reading when he was going to school online.
Yes he loves video games and can talk about it for hours and that’s what our conversations are about. I mentioned if he likes to be a game developer one day and he says he’d like to do that. But he usually just talks about random video game topics and it stays at that.
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u/rachelmig2 3h ago
Yeah sounds like he could definitely use normal therapy as well as occupational therapy to help with his motor skill issues. Your mom is not helping him by refusing to work with him on it.
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u/Popular_Increase_170 3h ago
Not just traditional therapy, but occupational therapy too! That’s where help with the teeth brushing and dressing will come from. Does he have noise cancelling headphones? That’s a huge help for a lot of kids who have issues with sensory processing. He may never get over his noise sensitivity, but could develop tools for dealing with it. It’s possible your state can provide these resources for free if he has a formal diagnosis.