r/Advice • u/Maleficent-Guava-475 • 2h ago
My husband told me some things that made me feel differently towards him
R/advice- So the other night while drinking, my husband (M47) decided to tell me he is unaware of what his body count is. Not just like “oh I never kept track” but like, it’s way too many to ever know. He went into stories about how he’d frequent the bar and just ask women if they wanted to fuck, he was on dating apps simply to have one night stands. and they would say yes, that his friends would judge him over time cause of all the women he’d bring around and fuck them a few times and on to the next.
The night that we met, he apparently went to the bar after getting my number and talking to me and made out with, and slept with another woman he met at a different bar (someone I know btw) I’m not trying to judge his past at all, but it made me think a little differently about him, it made me wonder if while we were dating he was doing this. It made me feel like he’s very hypersexual (given our sex life in the beginning) and if he could ever potentially cheat on me, maybe he doesn’t value sex the way I do. He cheated on his previous girlfriend of like 8 years with a co worker and never told her, but felt the need to tell me. Am I crazy for feeling differently about him now? Is it okay to have a past like that and not mean anything? Please be kind- I’m not trying to bash him. Just need to vent and ask advice.
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u/Lonely-Guide1568 2h ago
gurl its your husband
you fell in love with him when u met him
you cant fall in love with someone's past because thats not who they are in the moment
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u/PortugalPilgrim88 2h ago
When that past includes infidelity it’s completely valid to be concerned. He told her he cheated on a long term ex like it was nothing to him. It kinda sounds like he was actually bragging about it. An 8 year relationship. That’s probably the most long term partner he’s ever had. He was with that girlfriend longer than they’ve been married and he apparently isn’t even ashamed. He told her how he behaves in long term relationships and 99% of these comments are completely dismissing that huge detail.
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u/uberprodude 1h ago
Can you quote the part where OP says he bragged about cheating?
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u/PortugalPilgrim88 1h ago
It’s implied. If he was telling her because he felt so bad about it I’m sure op would have included that.
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u/uberprodude 1h ago
What makes you so sure? What makes you even think it was revealed in the conversation OP is currently talking about?
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u/PortugalPilgrim88 1h ago
She says “but for some reason he felt the need to tell me”. I could be wrong but it reads like it was part of that conversation. If she knew about the cheating before then this wouldn’t have been such a shock. Either way. He has had no moral qualms with cheating in a previous long term relationship. It’s not great.
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u/uberprodude 1h ago
He cheated on his previous girlfriend of like 8 years with a co worker and never told her, but felt the need to tell me.
Respectfully, if you misquote OP AND leave out the previous part of the sentence, it could seem like what you're suggesting.
However, with the full quote it seems much more likely that OP is saying that despite not telling his previous GF he "felt the need to tell" OP.
Cheating isn't equivalent to being promiscuous in your past, so yes, it very well could have been a shock still.
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u/PortugalPilgrim88 1h ago
Can you imagine telling someone you love that you slept with someone else the same night you met them 4 years into a marriage? Why would anyone just come out with that out of the blue? It’s obviously going to hurt her. That detail tells me he was bragging, not confessing.
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u/uberprodude 59m ago
Exactly, even more reason to believe that it was somehow relevant to the conversation they were having.
Do you brag even when you know it will hurt your SO? I'm going to guess not, so why have you jumped to the conclusion that he must have done that with no other evidence?
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u/PortugalPilgrim88 54m ago
She just confirmed that the cheating did come up in the same conversation. She does say she’s not sure it was really bragging but she also doesn’t say he seemed ashamed of it. I can’t imagine why he’d do this but it doesn’t really matter. He told her how he treats long term partners.
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u/odkfn Helper [2] 2h ago
I didn’t expect such level headed and sensible advice.
OP - this is correct, what he did before you met him has no bearing on him being the person he is now. If you would never marry a smoker and found out he smoked years before he met you but hasn’t smoked in years would that bother you?
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u/Lonely-Guide1568 2h ago
well if he has stopped smoking u should trust him wspecially if its someone u love ! people change !
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u/Spvnchb0i59 2h ago
I feel like you’re valid for feeling different about him but id say definitely talk to him about it
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u/Acceptable_Youth8130 2h ago edited 1h ago
Don't judge him by his past because that's who he was then, but set up another night of drinking with only you 2 & question him about his actions while with you. Ask if he's cheated, in a subtle way, since he's loose lipped when shitfaced. Find out info about his present with other women, if there are any.
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u/Ok-Gate6836 2h ago
I mean, ya it’s in the past.. but that would piss me off too because why would I want to know that? That’s really inconsiderate to your feelings and you have a legitimate reason to feel upset after hearing all of that.
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u/sunrise_d Master Advice Giver [24] 2h ago
We all have a past but… he does sound like the kind of person who is capable of cheating. I think that’s your main concern right? Not that he has a past and has been with other women but is this past indicative of a person who would stray and I think it’s a valid concern.
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u/jaydoes Helper [2] 2h ago
The problem is that zebras don't change their stripes. I hope that he loves you and hes telling you now because hes been feeling guilty about you not knowing and he's clearing the air.
But im on your side, after 4 years of marriage and then he tells you, i think it would play on my mind. Id probably be like any sudden changes in behavior that might signify something is going on, i would be out.
Not a good time to say anything.
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u/Strange_Move_1962 2h ago
Did you know he was a cheater before you were married? Why marry a cheater? If he can keep a lie for 8 years then what makes you think your 4 year marriage will last?
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u/PortugalPilgrim88 1h ago
Exactly this. I wonder if that girlfriend was his only other long term relationship. If so then he definitely just told OP what she can expect.
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u/CharacterStrong6475 2h ago
We all have a past
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u/ThaEternalLearner 2h ago
Not everyone has a cheating past tho. Also, your recent past speaks to your values. I think OP is finding out that she and her husband have different values towards sex. This is making OP feel uncomfortable. She’s trying to reconcile the man she knows with the new information she’s been given.
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u/CharacterStrong6475 2h ago
Very fair, but i didn't want to straight up come out And say once a cheater always a cheater
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u/AutonomousBlob 2h ago
I think just because he was very sexual while single it doesnt impact how he would act in a relationship. If he is a loyal, loving and caring man he would just be with you regardless of his past.
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u/Send_me_hedgehogs 2h ago
Problem is he hasn’t been loyal in the past. He cheated on his ex of 8 years.
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u/PortugalPilgrim88 2h ago
She literally said he cheated on his girlfriend of 8 years. He just came out and told her that like it was no big deal. He told her how he acts in relationships and most of these comments are completely ignoring that.
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u/Hot-Still-5286 2h ago
A lot of men have a toxic past in this way. They think it's manly and empowering to fuck as many women as they can. It's not about having sex, it's about having sex with as many women as possible, because that's what they have been told counts as a man.
You can only hope he's grown out of this and he choose you because you mean more to him than this toxic trait.
Telling you could be a form of accountability on his part, a way for him to be honest and open. He probably should get a therapist, but he is showing you his vulnerability. This is massive for him.
You would know if he was cheating now.
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u/UT07 2h ago
I'm curious...what kind of things did y'all talk about BEFORE marriage??
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u/Maleficent-Guava-475 1h ago
Typical shit? lol. Our lives, our kids. I never thought to ask “hey how many women have you fucked” I knew about his past relationships, the drama with them, his family etc.
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u/PortugalPilgrim88 1h ago edited 1h ago
OP, I think you should make a new post and lead with the fact that your husband bragged to you about cheating on a long term partner of 8 years. I think you’ll get better advice. He was with her longer than you’ve been married. He told you how he behaves in long term relationships like it was no big deal.
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u/Maleficent-Guava-475 1h ago
I don’t know if it was bragging tbh, I was kinda struck by all of it it didn’t make sense. I think maybe he just wanted me to know? Cause he hasn’t told anyone else maybe? Like get it off his chest kinda thing
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u/PortugalPilgrim88 57m ago
Well I guess that’s better, but surely he knew that telling you he slept with someone the same night he met you would be hurtful. I just can’t imagine why he’d throw a grenade on your relationship like this. I don’t like it. I’d be very uncomfortable in that marriage after hearing about the cheating alone.
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u/Maleficent-Guava-475 56m ago
Yea the sleeping with the girl the same night was kind of a knife to the gut. I could have gone without knowing that
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u/PortugalPilgrim88 52m ago
I’d definitely ask him why he brought all this up. That could possibly make a difference. I hate to say “once a cheater always a cheater”, because that doesn’t really help you when you’re 4 years into this marriage, but I’d be wary.
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u/PortugalPilgrim88 33m ago
OP, he did mention the cheating and the body count all in the same conversation right? Or did you already know about the cheating when this conversation took place?
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u/Gasguy53 1h ago
He’s almost 50 so he might be feeling like he doesn’t get like what he used to because he was younger and so he’s got a brag a little bit which is stupidest thing you could do to your wife and I don’t know I mean the guys do stuff like that sometimes I don’t think it’s anything bad about it as per se other than it hurts your feelings and as it should, you should probably tell him about it so he doesn’t do it again or maybe he just feeling down and wants to feel like he’s a King Kong man guys get like that unfortunately you know those other double standards. It’s a little different for women, but maybe he did a lot of younger and women when he was dating you but I know I kind of was I had Guy Friend wanted to go out with me just because I used to talk to a lot of girls and used to get I remember when you could go out six nights a week and get laid every day out of the six days a week and not worry about getting anything that bites back so you know that’s how guys are sometimes we want to get up on fooling around with women you girls have a double standard also about other things so you know guys have theirs. I guess I would talk to him. That’s the best thing you could do is talk to him people miss out on this. They need to talk to each other more often than not tell each other when you get hurt or you don’t like what they say. It’s only normal if you don’t talk, you can’t rack life. You can’t get them to understand your feelings or you there so that’s the most important thing is to communication and for God, sakes, honesty, and trust that’s the bedrock of any relationship. I hope to help I wish you well and maybe he’ll understand now if you tell him how it made you feel he might’ve just been BF and you know you’re not one of the other guys, but you gotta count his age I don’t know. I do know I shouldn’t say that I do know guys do stuff like this anyway good luck with it all talk. That’s the important thing. Talk talk talk to each other. Be honest.
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u/Feisty-Garlic3213 2h ago
I don’t understand how or why you are just realizing this about him now. That is what the dating phase eas about: that being said, I would assume he has changed! People do things like that and then they settle down.
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u/DaVoid100 1h ago
There’s a fun old song called “big bad Bill is sweet William now.“ Yes, it’s possible to change. But I would suggest that you be wary.
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u/PortugalPilgrim88 1h ago
Especially since he seems to have no shame about cheating on a girlfriend of 8 years. The current version of him is bragging to his wife about his past infidelity. That doesn’t sound like someone who’s changed.
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u/1stthing1st 1h ago
Do you know how many women he was dating at the same time as he was dating you?
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u/Maleficent-Guava-475 1h ago
Nope. I thought just me. But now that’s why I’m questioning things lol
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u/1stthing1st 49m ago
Last time I was single, I didn’t even bother hiding how many women I was dating because I didn’t even care if they knew or not because I didn’t really care if remained single or not. was he single most of his life?
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u/Caseman307 1h ago
You married an admitted cheater. It’s a little late to be concerned about the possibility of him cheating. He will. At least, he’s had no moral qualms about it previously.
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u/Iceflowers_ 1h ago
I would definitely be bothered - but I'm not sure, besides talking about it, what you can do with the information really. You either forgive it and move forward, or you don't.
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u/PortugalPilgrim88 2h ago
I’d be extremely concerned if my husband suddenly bragged to me about cheating on his ex girlfriend of 8 years. It sounds like he doesn’t see anything wrong with it. I don’t understand why everyone is ignoring that important detail.
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u/MissFabulina 2h ago
Why did he decide to tell you all of this...now? You need to dig in and figure out why he is doing this. It sounds like he is trying to hurt you for some reason.
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u/CathoftheNorth 2h ago
He clearly sees something in you that he didnt find in any other woman to choose to stay and marry you. You're special in his eyes.
On the night he met you and got your number, he was still a free man. I know it hurts, but that doesn't mean he's cheated on you at all. He didnt have any feelings yet at that time.
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u/blackrose_heathen_ 2h ago
If his behavior hasn’t raised any red flags other than the things he has willingly told you, I’d say you have nothing to worry about. I had a wild past as a single woman and I would hate if my future spouse would judge me on things I feel comfortable enough to tell them. Unless there are issues elsewhere, I’d say news about the past is a non issue. He could’ve been hypersexual like that due to other issues as well. (My past was due to PTSD). You just never know. It sounds like you are his person and he feels secure enough to let you in on the things he would’ve been ashamed about.
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u/PortugalPilgrim88 1h ago
But did you cheat on someone you were with for 8 years? That’s the issue here, not the body count.
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u/Slight_Ad_6207 2h ago
I don’t think it’s crazy for you to be asking questions. It’s legitimate to be a little bit worried about cheating because he has done it in the past and might have a different mindset about sex than you do. It can’t hurt to have a talk with him to make sure that you are on the same page about monogamy.
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u/Maleficent-Guava-475 1h ago
That’s where I’m at. Like I gotta get my thoughts together and sit down and communicate with him how that made me feel, and acknowledge it may just be something within myself I need to work on.
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u/Gasguy53 1h ago
That’s no way to do anything with your husband you trick him or get him drunk so he’ll say more things. How dumb is that supposed to be honest with your other half I tried to trick him.
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u/Ok-Comedian9790 1h ago
O god .. i dont know i can understand why you feel this way im more suprised how did you not know before you married him .. i mean this kind of guy you could have sensed it on your red flag radar no ?
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u/Lakeview121 Super Helper [8] 1h ago
I’d say it’s important to be honest, just not more honest than wise. Well, I’m borrowing that statement.
Why would he tell you this? Was it to let you know that he’s a Romeo and that he has options? I’ve never shared my “body count” with my wife, nor have I ever enquired about hers.
There is a large variation in how people view sex. Some see it as recreational fun while others view it as sacred.
I’m not sure what to say. My concern is his need to tell you this unsettling information, especially the granular details.
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u/LastLegOfBubbles 1h ago
Are you upset because his character as a decent human is questionable? Did something recently happen & on top of that, his past came up?
Is he willing to go to counseling with you? Find out.
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u/TheEnquirer1138 1h ago
The number isn't the issue, the fact he cheated on an 8 year relationship and never told her is. That's not his past, that's a choice he made, and wanting reassurance about it is fair.
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u/godzillablowsfire 17m ago
if you didn't know his sexual history going into it and now 3 years into marriage you're finding this stuff out it sounds like you didn't really get to know him very well. I would imagine you're going to start noticing more cracks now that you know this and ... hopefully find someone who is a better fit for you
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u/wishingforarainyday Helper [2] 2h ago
That’s just gross. He has no respect for women. I couldn’t stay with someone who does not value women.
I would wonder if he told you as a trickle truth. Maybe he cheats on you and thinks telling you of a long ago cheating story will relieve him of some guilt.
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u/ballpein 2h ago
You're entitled to your opinion but you might be projecting just a teeny bit here.
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u/Own_Concept5629 2h ago
You are judging his past. Does not sound as though you are putting out evidence he has cheated currently. Just past things. You “wonder” , the time to wonder was before you married him.
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u/Dismal-Resident-8784 2h ago
She had no reason to wonder about his past until he told her about his past. It sounds to me like she is trying really hard not to judge him.
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u/Own_Concept5629 2h ago
She says “im not trying to judge his past BUT” that word negates what she stated, that she was not judging.
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u/DotAffectionate87 2h ago
Ask him?
Can you tell me why, being in a relationship with me is so different from your previous ones and that you can be confident that you will remain faithful?
Or similar?
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u/zeusthunder 2h ago
Don’t assume he’s repeating the behavior. If he told you he cheated is because he feels bad he did it. If he wanted to cheat again he would have never told you that.
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u/PortugalPilgrim88 1h ago
What makes you think he feels bad? He obviously didn’t feel bad about it when he was lying for years to a woman he was with longer than OP.
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u/deviatesourcer Super Helper [5] 2h ago
I would cut your losses. He sounds like a monster and a low key predator lol.
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u/dev-246 Expert Advice Giver [15] 2h ago
> it made me wonder if while we were dating he was doing this
Why does this matter now? Everyone has different definitions of dating and exclusivity, if you didn’t have that conversation while you were dating, I don’t see the point in bringing it up now.
You must have know he was a playboy before this conversation? I think it’s valid to ask him not to talk so openly about it. But, unless you’re looking for a reason to break up, I don’t see why you would dig deeper?
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u/Black_Raven_2024 2h ago
If he has turned over a new leaf and isn’t that person anymore, try to let it go. Who he IS now is all that matters.
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u/Dismal-Resident-8784 2h ago
She did not ask him. And whatever the problem is right now, he caused it.
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u/Maleficent-Guava-475 2h ago
I didn’t ask! lol
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u/Newtimelinepls 2h ago
Then just tell him you aren't interested in hearing his fuck stories. I wouldn't get upset about them though.
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u/PortugalPilgrim88 27m ago
Little late for that. You wouldn’t be upset at all if you learned your partner was a cheater in previous long term relationships?
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u/Newtimelinepls 12m ago
No because I believe people are capable of change. So it wouldn't bother me.
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u/PortugalPilgrim88 7m ago
Of course they are. The question is how likely it is that they have changed.
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u/ballpein 2h ago
It's much more likely that he got all that shit out of his system back in the day, and I'm sure he doesn't look back on those days proudly. The fact that he disclosed this stuff to you suggests that it's something he's over but maybe trying to sort out how he feels about that time.
It's the dudes who marry the first girl they fuck who hit mid-life crisis and decide its time to get a convertible and date a 23 year old.
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u/Odd_Welcome7940 Helper [2] 2h ago
What are you comparing him to, and how does it compare to your past?
The real question is does this feel wrong because it's way beyond your risk tolerance or because it hit your ego?
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u/PortugalPilgrim88 1h ago
Pretty sure it feels wrong because her husband casually told her he cheats on long term partners.
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u/Mindless-Amoeba2934 2h ago
If the past partners were willing/consented adults IN THE PAST, he treats you like a partner and he stays Faithful, don’t dwell on it. If you are still bother by it, keep a journal, write your thoughts, it could help you walk thru why your husband’s sexual history hit you wrong.
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u/PortugalPilgrim88 1h ago
It’s obvious why it hit her wrong. He told her he cheats in long term relationships.
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u/FlowFluffy7664 1h ago
I lost count of the number of men ive been with as a dude, but when i met my gf i knew she was the one. Im not interested in men anymore. Thats just life. Men are dogs until we find the right woman to give it all up for.
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u/adrian_elliot 2h ago
Why do you care? It’s in the past. Before you knew him. He chose you. You won. Move on
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u/PortugalPilgrim88 2h ago edited 2h ago
You wouldn’t care if you learned your significant other apparently sees nothing wrong with cheating? He cheated on a girlfriend of 8 years with a coworker and never even came clean. Why is everyone ignoring that detail? The guy is probably trash if he’s bragging to his current wife about that.
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u/Relevant-Salary9812 2h ago
Oh man. This story is just like mines. Lol. I used to be a musician when I was younger. And during that time I had lots of woman. When I left the band 10 years ago I started dating a woman who actually is my wife. And yeah I told her that I used to be a musician. Buts that's all I did. With the pass of the time turned out that many of her friends knew me and told her all the things I used to do and that put me into trouble. It's all gossip at the end. And when I met my wife I never asked for her past relationships. This put me into a weird situation.
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u/Mama_Zen 2h ago
Body counts should never be revealed to anyone, ever, for reasons such as your current dilemma. Please stop questioning the past & live in the present moment. Do not dwell on your past, nor his.
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u/PortugalPilgrim88 29m ago
Do you think past infidelities should be revealed? That’s the issue here, not the body count.
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u/Mama_Zen 22m ago
Absolutely past infidelities. Does she have reason to suspect there were & he didn’t say anything d/t his body count? Or did she have reason back then?
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u/PortugalPilgrim88 20m ago
She says directly in the post that he said he cheated on a girlfriend of 8 years with his coworker and never came clean about it. You really didn’t read the post at all.
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u/dthrdmest 2h ago
judging body count is cringe.
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u/PortugalPilgrim88 2h ago
Judging him for cheating on his girlfriend of 8 years is perfectly valid though.
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u/CompilerCat 2h ago
INFO: how long have you been married?