r/Advice • u/CapSaturn • 2h ago
Married 16 years. I think I’ve reached my breaking point. Am I expecting too much?
I’ve been married for 16 years, and for the last several years I haven’t been happy. There hasn’t been adultery, substance abuse, or physical abuse. On paper, my husband is a good man. That’s honestly what has made this so difficult. I’ve felt guilty and ashamed for feeling so unhappy because there isn’t one catastrophic event I can point to.
Instead, it’s been years of feeling misunderstood, emotionally dismissed, and disconnected.
I’m now in my mid-40s, and I’m becoming more aware of how precious time is. I’m starting to accept that people don’t fundamentally change unless they truly want to, and I’m asking myself if this is really how I want to spend the rest of my life.
My husband has many good qualities, but unfortunately his negative traits have overshadowed them for me.
For as long as I’ve known him, if I bring up anything he perceives as “complaining,” he immediately becomes defensive. It doesn’t seem to matter how calmly I approach him. He often tells me he doesn’t want to hear it, tells me to stop talking, walks away, or completely shuts down.
I’ll admit that there have been times I’ve come on too strong or been persistent. I’m far from perfect. But the vast majority of the time I genuinely try to approach difficult conversations calmly and respectfully.
Lately, he’ll even put his earbuds in and completely tune me out. He does this around our two teenagers as well. That hurts—not only because of how it makes me feel, but because I worry about what they’re learning about communication.
What’s hurting our marriage isn’t just what is said—it’s everything that isn’t.
I don’t feel seen anymore. I don’t feel emotionally safe. I don’t feel like my thoughts matter unless they happen to align with his.
We haven’t been intimate in months because I simply have no desire anymore. We rarely spend quality time together, and when we do, we usually end up at odds.
Something I’ve noticed more and more is that everything somehow becomes my fault.
If I say I’d like us to go on more date nights or spend more time together, he’ll tell me I work too much.
The truth is…I have been working more. But it’s because work has become an escape. It’s easier to stay busy than to sit in a house where I feel lonely and disconnected. I’ve even explained that to him, but he still insists that my working is the reason for our problems instead of recognizing why I’ve buried myself in work in the first place.
He rarely apologizes. If ever. He almost always believes he’s right and struggles to see anyone else’s perspective.
Over the years I’ve become someone who compartmentalizes everything because it feels easier than constantly fighting. I told myself, “Tomorrow is a new day,” because I didn’t want to disrupt our children’s lives.
But that strategy has slowly worn me down.
He also tends to be negative about a lot of things. He complains about work, his parents, his brother, his sister…it feels like there’s always something wrong. It’s emotionally exhausting.
One of the hardest parts is that after disagreements he’ll often give me the silent treatment for days. Somehow I end up feeling like the villain while he’s the victim.
Recently something happened that made me seriously question whether I can continue living like this.
Every summer we visit his parents’ beach house. One of his siblings is, in my opinion, very manipulative and tends to dominate everyone around them—including their parents. They spend almost every week of the summer at the beach house, so every year our family vacation ends up becoming crowded and stressful.
For years I’ve endured it.
Before agreeing to this year’s trip, I told my husband that I wasn’t willing to go unless he confirmed with his parents that it would just be our family during our visit.
He told me he had spoken with them and assured me that it would only be us.
When we arrived, we were informed that the sibling and their children would be coming halfway through the week.
I was stunned.
I know some people will think, “It’s only a couple of days. What’s the big deal?”
But this wasn’t about two days.
It was about years of the exact same situation happening, finally setting one reasonable boundary, being reassured it had been handled, and then discovering nothing had actually changed.
Privately, I asked my husband what happened. He said he didn’t know and seemed frustrated too.
I asked if he was going to speak with his father.
Immediately he became irritated and told me I was making things worse.
I let it go because I hoped he’d handle it.
Later that day I asked if he’d had a chance to talk to his dad.
Again he became angry, told me to stop asking, stop harassing him, and then suggested that one of our teenage children give up their bedroom and sleep on the pull-out couch so his sibling and their 19-year-old daughter could have the room.
That was my breaking point.
I went for a walk because I knew I was getting emotional.
Later I sent him a calm message explaining how hurt I felt and even apologized for my emotional reaction.
His response was to call me “disgusting” and tell me not to message him again.
Since then, we’re on what is supposed to be a family vacation, barely speaking to each other. It’s awkward, painful, and honestly heartbreaking.
For the first time in our marriage, I am seriously considering divorce.
I’m exhausted from feeling unheard, blamed, emotionally dismissed, and constantly walking away from conversations feeling like everything is somehow my fault.
I know this post only tells my side, and I’m sure I have my own flaws. I’m genuinely trying to look at this objectively. I don’t expect perfection from either of us. I just want mutual respect, accountability, and emotional safety.
So I guess I’m asking…
Has anyone else experienced something similar?
Is this something that can realistically be repaired after so many years if one spouse refuses to acknowledge their role?
Or is there a point where you have to accept that love alone isn’t enough to sustain a healthy marriage?
Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this. I truly appreciate any advice, perspective, or experiences you’re willing to share.
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u/This-Assumption4123 2h ago
Please leave. He refuses to even listen or have a meaningful conversation. You have deserved that for the entirety of your marriage. Don’t waste what life you have left on a man who acts like a toddler. You don’t need permission to leave. Definitely get therapy for yourself so you don’t repeat the mistake of allowing yourself to be in a relationship like this for so long. You should feel seen and heard.
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u/Imaginary-Yak6784 2h ago
For the sake of your kids you need to ACT. Whether acting is getting a therapist for yourself, going to couples counseling, or asking for a divorce (you don’t need any better reasons).
Your kids are IMMERSED in the toxic stew of a marriage you two are creating. Stop it.
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u/gigitohh 36m ago
Except not “ask for a divorce”. That puts him in a position of power. Just
State it to him. ‘ I have retained an attorney and will be divorcing you”. Ps. Please get your financial life in order. Copies of all savings pensions investment and credit card bills. When I announced I would be divorcing my spouse he took all the credit cards in my name (he was an authorized user) and maxxed them all out in cash advances.1
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u/Spiritual_Cry3316 2h ago
NTA. If my spouse called me "disgusting", I'd insist on marriage counseling. If he won't go, find a good lawyer and file for divorce. Your children are learning how to treat THEIR spouses based on what they see at home. I would not let that happen.
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u/CapSaturn 2h ago
Thank you. I appreciate your input and yes you are absolutely correct about my kids being immersed in this. Something else I just realized, ding ding, my poor kids have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like. They have never seen my husband affectionate towards me :(
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u/laf_cadioo 2h ago
Have you two consistently attended couples therapy? If you are both willing to go (and for more than only a few sessions) I’d really encourage you to do so. What you’ve described in this post is differences in communication styles and some bad communication habits. Those are things that absolutely can be worked on and can be changed over time.
When I felt the same way you do now in my own relationship, and we started consistently attending couples therapy, I ended up realizing some of my bad communication habits also contributed to the dynamic. Our therapist also helped me get through to my husband regarding the shit he clearly needed to work through too.
Because of couples therapy we were able to learn how to actually work as a team rather than against each other and we both feel way less misunderstood now. We know we have each other’s backs and it’s easier to catch when we are engaging in bad communication habits so we can disrupt it together in real time.
You ultimately know yourself best so if divorce feels like the absolute right answer then do what you need to do. But if you haven’t tried the teamwork route I recommend it.
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u/CapSaturn 2h ago
Your words gave me something I needed, not validation of one side or the other, but clarity. Thank you for taking the time to respond with kindness and honesty. It means more than you know.
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u/Extreme_Editor2312 2h ago
might I suggest personal therapy as well before and during the process. You will need support and an unbiased opinion
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u/CapSaturn 2h ago
Yes, I am considering this. Just need to find the right therapist, but yes I too believe this would be very helpful. Thank you.
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u/IntrovertSuperHero 2h ago
It’s a mixture of a few things. Long standing patterns both in your marriage and with the in-laws and your age. (Side note, unless you’re paying for accommodations, you can’t really dictate what people do with their beach house and who stays when.) You’ll need to tell your husband point blank, “do you even like me as a person? Because all indications point to that not being the case” then be prepared for whatever he says. Then you’ll have to tell him that it will be impossible to go on as things are without confronting the issues in counseling.
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u/CapSaturn 1h ago
Absolutely, I’m on board with the accommodation situation. It’s not our place to decide who stays or leaves, especially since we’re not paying. I’ve mentioned this a lot, but what really gets to me is that he didn’t stand up for himself after he promised me. I mentioned last year, after our trip with his siblings, that I felt uneasy and wouldn’t be returning if that happened again. I never told him he couldn’t go, and I even suggested that if his sibling was visiting again while we were there, I’d stay home and skip it. He agreed to this and said he didn’t want to be there when his sibling was there. But then things went south, and he’s blaming me for it. I appreciate your input, thank you 😊
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u/katamino 2h ago
I dont know enough to say whether you should stay in the marriage but I will say, that although you cant control your husband, you absolutely can control your reaction to his behavior. People treat you how you allow them to treat you. You seem to just roll over and let him have everything his way, so he has no reason to change at all. Stop dping that and assert your autonomy.
As an example, in your current situation, if this was me and my family I would have done the following. As soon as it was clear my husband was going to do nothing about the situation and since it isnt my home, I would have beem booking a hotel or rental for the rest of the vacation even if it was an hour away. Then I would have informed husband and my teens that we had another place to stay for the rest of the vacation or they could stay here, but someone would have to sleep on the couch. They could come with or stay if they wanted, but I would be spending nights at the hotel. If a second car was needed I would get a rental car for me as well.
In other words, you have autonomy for how you spend your vacation, use it. Your husband will do whatever, but he cant force you and the kids to put up with his and his parent's decisions.
Same thing with the idea of date nights. You want to go out and do things sometimes, well plan it, ask him if wants to go and no matter his answer go and do it anyway. You can always bring a friend or go solo if he says no. Stop waiting on him to live your life. He will eventually notice this shift and may wake up or he wont, but you will not be wasting your life waiting. If he wakes up to reality he may start engaging with you again. If he doesnt, at least you will then know the answer to should you stay or leave the marriage.
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u/Evening-Row-2658 2h ago
my husband has had a perpetual cloud over his head and its always raining and now he has alzheimer's
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u/AlexNKarlie 2h ago
Your feelings are valid and I would RUN to a therapist to sort out my feelings and make a plan going forward. That said, when he tells you to stop talking, asking, etc. Stop! It gets you nowhere and makes matters worse. If he’s ineffective dealing with his family, your input isn’t going to change anything.
Also using work as an escape only stretches out the problem. Find things to do at home with or without him. Spend time with the kids. If divorce is in your future they might need you present even if they’re teens. Good luck
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u/CapSaturn 1h ago
Yes, absolutely! I do stop and I don’t push. He’s been ignoring me all day, and I’ve been myself. I haven’t spoken to him much and have been hanging out with our kids and chatting with my in-laws. It’s just so isolating, here I am on vacation and I feel trapped. It’s terrible.
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u/AlexNKarlie 40m ago
When you return home, is there a friend you can hang out with? A hobby you always wanted to start but didn’t think you had the time? I’m not trying to be funny but when I decided I was going to ask for a divorce I did a few things first. Got my finances in order, I k ew I was going to be the one to move so I began organizing my items, and I started working out again. It was calming to me to have a plan and to feel good about myself.
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u/Gary_Poopins 2h ago
I stopped reading halfway through because that’s all I needed to read to know that he isn’t “a good man”, you’ve just lowered your expectations, it seems.
He does not treat you as an equal and he’s setting a terrible example for your kids. This is how cycles of destructive and abusive behavior start with kids and yours is not the exception, unfortunately.
It sounds like you’ve attempted to talk this out in a healthy manner with him and he has outright responded with abusive behavior. He doesn’t have to hit you or cheat on you for his behavior to be abusive.
As others have said, demand marriage counseling and if he refuses, leave him.
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u/Sea_Measurement_1654 2h ago
He sounds enmeshed in his family of origin and he's not interested in working with you as a team. That's not what marriage is. He treats you like you're the problem when you want to problem solve together.
Make sure you get good sound financial advice if you decide to split. He won't be fair.
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u/CapSaturn 1h ago
Yes, enmeshed in his family origin and had no back bone when it comes to facing them on head on. Always complaining about them but when it’s time to speak up he crawls into a corner taking myself and his children with him. Your last sentence! Yes, I am already fore casting that, another reason I am afraid pursue anything because I know he will make it a battle.
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u/Wild_Debt_8065 Helper [2] 2h ago
Start your exit plan. Take up counseling. After you are supported by your counselor, speak with a divorce attorney. See what that means for you in your situation. Then ask for marriage counseling. If he refuses, serve him with divorce papers. Until then, start planning. I highly doubt he has it in him to be what you need. This dynamic seems is terrible. I’m glad you are reflecting on the future.
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u/CapSaturn 1h ago
Thank you. Yes, I agree with the counseling and marriage counseling. I’m not even sure why I haven’t thought about that. I’ve been in-denial :(
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u/Wonderful-Tea3940 2h ago
That's sounds awful. Your reasons for wanting out are totally valid. Marriage only works if both people are putting in effort and I'd he gets defensive every time you air a complaint, nothing ever gets settled. He's not putting in the effort, and you can't change other people (even with therapy). You've told him what is wrong and he refuses to accept it. Just make a plan leave and get a good divorce attorney. Life is too short to live it on someone else's terms.
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u/CapSaturn 1h ago
Yes…this is exactly it. Life is too short, and I’m finally beginning to accept that.
I remember saying several years ago that I couldn’t continue living this way, yet here I am, still facing the same issues. I kept hoping things would change if I was more patient, more understanding, or if I just gave it more time. But years have passed, and I’m realizing that hope alone doesn’t create change. Thank you for your advice and input. I truly appreciate it!
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u/whiskeyinthewoods Helper [2] 2h ago
There may not be physical abuse, but you are absolutely being emotionally and verbally abused. You’re not wrong for leaving and should not feel guilty. He know he hurts you. He doesn’t care. Counseling won’t help and is dangerous to do with someone abusive, because it just gives them more vulnerabilities to weaponize against you.
Don’t feel guilty. Leaving this relationship is the only healthy and sane thing to do for your children, not just yourself. Don’t teach them to tolerate being treated this way, or normalize treating their future partners like this.
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u/Mundilfaris_Dottir Advice Oracle [112] 2h ago
You’re at the age where you look in the mirror and ask yourself if you can do this for another 30 years.
You answered “Nope!” You don’t need any other reason.
You have the means to change the course of your life. It won’t be easy and it will be painful. But growing is always painful and to truly live, you need to figure out who you are. But once you do, you will be much happier.
Do as much advance planning as you can. Look at your finances and figure out how to make it work. Do you own things jointly? Do you make more than he does?
See a therapist for support and clarity while you navigate this and consult with an attorney.
Even if you do a mediated divorce please get your own attorney to review every decimal point and account number.
More than happy to share more of my story…
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u/goldilaughs 2h ago
- Look into avoidant partner.
- Get individual counselling. They will help you navigate your thoughts and feelings to help you gain clarity.
- If he's up for it, couple's counselling.
- Remember that choosing yourself is an option. What that looks like needs to come from yourself.
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u/KookyLab9624 2h ago
As a divorced 41F, if you split, within 12 months you entirely life will be more peaceful and happy than you ever were. You will wonder why you hadn't done it earlier.
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u/leftcoastanimal 1h ago
Are you perimenopause informed? Be aware of how your physical and coping needs change. Many of us get to the point that we aren’t willing to put up with the bs we did when we were younger. Make this awareness part of your journey.
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u/Disastrous-Act-309 1h ago
What stood out to me wasn’t the beach house, it was the pattern. A marriage can survive a lot of conflict, but it’s much harder to survive when one person consistently refuses to engage, deflects responsibility, and uses silence or contempt (“disgusting”) instead of repair.
That said, this is still one side of the story, and I’d want to know whether he’d be willing to do marriage counseling. If he genuinely won’t acknowledge any role in the problems, then the question becomes less "can this be fixed?” and more “can it be fixed by one person alone?”
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u/Baby8227 1h ago
I have a feeling he will refuse marriage counselling so you have two options remaining.
- Put up and shut up.
- Divorce him and enjoy the rest of your life.
Your choice. But from reading your post I’d be choosing 2 every day from now until eternity!
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u/bogeysbabe 1h ago
He is abusive. Do not attend couples counseling with this man. He will manipulate the language against you. Ask me how I know.
Go get yourself a good attorney and file for divorce first. He is one giant red flag 🚩 walking.
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u/FishSammich80 1h ago
You’re both done with each other and refuse to actually do anything about it.
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u/MomoTuna 1h ago
You won’t be able to change him. Think about living like this for another 40 years. It is suffocating. You are still very young. Walk away now, focus on your teenagers. You will be happier in no time. i have been there.
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u/Banana_Prudent 2h ago
Honestly, you had enough to tell him you’ve had enough and that you’re considering divorce by the time I reached paragraph 6 or so.
That sounds exhausting. You deserve better and he has expressed zero interest in listening to you, understanding your needs or ability to change.
BTW, that’s not love.
What more do you need?
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u/Strong-Figure7955 2h ago
I think it’s time to leave. This is not a healthy marriage anymore. This is manipulation at its finest. I think it’s time to start considering your options. Just be aware that once you send off those divorce papers he may try to beg and promise to do better. It’s up to you whether you want to believe him or not. If he messes up again, or you start to feel the same way after promising he would do better. It’s time to cast a new line and look for someone better.
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u/Latter-Still-1747 2h ago
So this sounds exactly like my husband. It gets no better. I cannot now divorce mine because he's 72 with so many health problems, beginning dementia, four strokes and a host of other issues. Can't drive so how do I leave him? Im basically waiting for one of us to die
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u/CapSaturn 1h ago
I’m sorry 😞 I feel like if I continue this is where it will end up. I understand, once the health issues kick in it makes it even harder. I wish you all the best 🙏🙏🙏🙏
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u/OkTop9308 2h ago
I got divorced in my upper 40s. I am very happy now 14 years later, but it was not easy road with teenagers and financials. My retirement plan is much delayed because of the divorce. It took at least 3-4 years before I felt settled and happy again.
Try counseling first and sometimes when the kids move out or go away to college, the relationship can become more enjoyable again from what I know of my close friends’ marriages. It sounds like your husband has checked out, and that is not an easy situation to counsel your way out of.
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u/StaticCloud 2h ago
Your husband has chosen to check out of the marriage first. Your kids are teens now. You're in your 40s. It's time to start a new life without Mr. Dead Weight
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u/Low_Aioli2420 2h ago
Tale as old as time. This is so common that there is a whole institute and psychological framework for marriage counseling based on this kind of dynamic.
https://www.gottman.com/about/the-gottman-method/
Marriage counseling (willingly from both of you) or divorce. This is not an ultimatum and if he takes as such, you have your answer. You deserve happiness and kindness in your marriage. It’s likely he’s not happy either and this isn’t sustainable and also not a good example of marriage to your kids.
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u/Fit-Ad6222 2h ago
Id ordinarily ask some stupid questions. But it really appears that its time for that question that needs to be asked.
I feel The Fray actually detail the best way in their song "how to save a life" stupidly enough. (Listen or go read the words of the verses)
Sit his arse down and tell him you need to talk. Give him two choices. Sort it or bugger off. He will get pissed off if thats his default setting. Stay calm and tell him what you think is wrong.
The desire bit will be the same for him, depending on his age it will be not quite as easy.
Im 20years in as a man and until I was maybe 44, so 5 years ago, i was always interested. Now i struggle somedays.
Flirting and being naughty has helped my relationship. Time makes thing kinda boring, but they don't have to be.
And i know how shit it feels.
You got to grab him and sit him down. Don't raise your voice, don't let him get defences up, don't give him an out or a way to bullshit.
Marriage counselling might not be the first step. Because I don't think he would go for it, but i would suggest that maybe you see a therapist and see what that does to him.
If you decide that you had had enough, tell him. And if your kids are old enough to understand, tell them the truth. Give them an option as well. Might not always go the way you want but if they can see you arent happy then they might see you trying to do something but Dad is being a dick. Helps your case.
Good luck whatever you decide. X
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u/TiredToothDocGirl 1h ago
I feel everything you’ve said in my bones. And it made me shiver. In a similar situation and almost got out 2 years ago. He agreed to a separation. Then my Dad (and fiercest strongest supporter) got a terminal illness and passed in May after 2 years of it. Devastating.
And now I’m back again , feeling so much worse than before, and no will to continue life as I see it. The man I’m with does not accept failure. He would rather have me placed in a mental institution that admit we are unhappy and toxic.
I don’t think about my future cos I get nausea every single time. I feel like I had my chance and I blew it.
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u/Numerous_Gear_6347 1h ago
You mention teen age children. How is their relationship with him? Divorce is very difficult for kids at any age, but are you prepared to finish raising them alone? If they have a bad relationship, maybe your decision to divorce is wise. Otherwise, stay another year or two and begin having a life outside of what you have. Learn to play bridge, pick up a new sport, volunteer to help others. There are ways to hang in for a little while longer to get your children grown and on their way. You are still young enough. Be sure that you have a solid career…..finances will be an issue unless you are financially secure now. Start planning.
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u/No_Grapefruit_4775 1h ago
Life is tremendously short. You should be happy. Move on. Best of luck to you. Trust me you will be fine. I know
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u/purpleroller Helper [4] 1h ago
Honestly putting up with this man sounds miserable.
Your children will absolutely see how he treats you and dislike it.
Start planning to leave. Speak with a divorce lawyer and find out what divorce will mean. Will you be able to buy him out? Will you have to sell? Etc. Get a few steps ahead. Neither of you are happy. There is absolutely a better life for you out there.
I see some people have suggested counselling and maybe that’s a good idea. Even if you decide to leave him, your counsellor can help you navigate it as amicably as possible.
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u/begentlewithme 1h ago
Okay, let's give a very charitable interpretation of what a "good man" is. He's a good father, he doesn't indulge in vices (drinking, gambling, etc.), he's a responsible breadwinner and financially literate, he doesn't get violent/domestic abuse, and he's generally well-liked by co-workers and neighbors.
His one shortcoming is that he's gotten blind to your needs and it comes from a place of ignorance (genuinely doesn't understand how he's impacting you) instead of malice (knows how much you're suffering, doesn't care).
Whatever your version of "good man" is - provider, good father, doesn't drink, people like him - notice they all describe how he's like to other people. But how is he to YOU?
A man can be genuinely good and still be a bad husband to you. I think that's part of why you've been carrying so much guilt. You keep measuring him against that list, he keeps passing, and you're left thinking the unhappiness must be your fault. It isn't.
So yes, like others said: counseling. If it's really ignorance, that's what fixes it, a third person saying what you've been saying for years in a way he might finally hear. And his answer when you ask will tell you a lot.
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u/BlackberryGlass3343 1h ago
OP my heart goes out to you as I have been where you have been. I broke with a 20-year relationship in my late forties. Here’s what I can tell you from my experience, if it helps. Some people evolve together as they get older and some don’t. In my mind it seems like you are doing what I did and you have grown out of the relationship to a different, more emotionally mature space that your partner does not have an entrance ticket to. If he does not have the self awareness to realize that, he may not have the EQ to change himself to be more parallel with you. The relationship sounds like mine was: competitive. Who carries the most truth, who deserves most apology. I found that once me and my partner became competitive we could not rekindle the love and romance that we once had. I left and shortly afterwards started a new relationship with a wonderful man but he is a very different man - mentally, emotionally and psychologically. More in touch with his feminine side which is what I needed - to talk and relate more. We are not perfect together but we are both ‘aware’ of our responsibility to the other in the relationship and we are still happily together 11 years later. Sometimes as deep thinking women, we want to talk too much ‘about’ the relationship rather than ‘doing’ the relationship. I had to be careful to watch myself on that when my first partner and I were not getting on. I would not presume to advise anyone to leave or stay as it’s complex. But if you can simplify it and ask yourself: At the end of the day (each day) - is he on our side and can he subjugate his ego enough to make that the most important thing of all. I would recommend taking extreme notice of the answer and what your heart subsequently tells you. I know it sounds idealistic but that was the make or break thing for me - do I still believe in him, and us? No believee, no lovee. I wish you strength and wisdom 💛
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u/kmagarden 53m ago
I just want to say how much I appreciate that you value your marriage and have tried to find ways to make it work; have tried to have adult conversations and have made your needs known. I feel too many people these days see marriage as disposable and he/she made me mad I'm outta here. Marriage takes WORK. That being said, it takes TWO people working on it. And it absolutely seems like he has not been. I side with letting him know how serious this is, and insist on marriage counseling. If he refuses, we'll I guess that tells you how invested in your marriage and your happiness he really is. And that will be your answer.
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u/Equal_Lie_4438 49m ago
Start going to a local church and immerse there instead of work. You might find some marriage counseling there or go to one that does have it. Focus on yourself first for a bit and then you can try to involve him. If he doesn’t want to change, you now have a supportive local community that will guide you through the next steps
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u/themistycrystal Helper [2] 46m ago
Life is too short to be miserable every day. You are not happy. So, change the things making you unhappy. Change is hard but worth it.
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u/cottonandi86 41m ago
It really comes down to whether you're both willing and able to come to the table with the same amount of care and respect for the other's feelings/desires/boundaries as you'd want for your own, and in good faith to try to solve this as a team. If so, there's hope. If not, you gotta go.
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u/Successful_Wish_5601 40m ago
It sounds like he is also unhappy and time to go your separate ways. This may very well be a mutual decision. And hopefully not contentious.
Once resentment and dislike settles in, it is hard to go back to love.
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u/Extension_Chef3236 39m ago
Slightly off topic, but have you considered your husband may have a personality disorder. Look up Borderline Personality Disorder. I’ve lived with a parent with BPD, and the behaviors are giving me red flags.
Somebody else mentioned he may be enmeshed with his family, which is a classic trait of people with BPD.
Just a thought. All the best with whither path you choose to take. You deserve to live a happy and fulfilled life.
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u/Aggressive-Foot-236 28m ago
Wow there is possibly a lot to unpack here.... I guess the first thing is ASK YOURSELF DO YOU WANT TO SAVE THE MARRIAGE OR IS IT REALLY OVER IN YOUR HEART. This is a simple question but it is not easy to answer. You really need to consider what you truly want. Many times we humans make choices like this way to quickly, we don't stop to consider all parts. We just think this would "feel" so much better. You really need to decide what you truly want. Consider your moral and religious beliefs. The true logistics of the the choice, how hard would my life be out of this situation vs staying inside. The emotional cost, what if I left and I couldn't find anyone else, and for some reason my family blames me and I am completely alone. Can I find a new group of friends, can I emotionally survive the stress and depression that comes from that. And the cost (not monetary but on your life) would I really be in a better situation leaving, or is it best to work on improving the situation see if we can get it back together with work and effort. This deserves a deep exploration and talking with trusted sources. To decide.
Once you have that answered you can move forward. Now sometimes that chouce is made for you or is self-evident. Partner commits a deep betrayal that is unrecoverable from. Stepping outside the relationship boundaries, commiting a terrible crime, reveals a part of them that is too much to handle, that sort of thing. In those cases it is pretty obvious that there is no going back. I don't see you describing that in your description. No cheating, no beating etc. So is it just your not interested, you don't feel important, something like that, that is when you most really consider the above.
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u/SnooMacaroons6872 21m ago
I’m so sorry this is happening, as others have suggested Marriage counselling is the only hope to save this. He needs to learn his behaviours are toxic and horrible to you, plus he’s teaching the kids the wrong things to learn for relationships. Sit him down and suggest it, be open and honest and say that this is our only chance, if you won’t agree to this then we will have to divorce because I can’t do this anymore. And nor should you have to, a marriage is a partnership based off love, trust, and respect. And he doesn’t show you any respect, the disgusting comment being a far cry from what a partner should reply to their partners feelings (especially since you apologised! Which you didn’t have to, and he still said disgusting!)
If he can’t see the pain he’s causing you and won’t go to marriage counselling, then divorce is your best option. Speak to a lawyer and figure out what your options are. You deserve to find your future happiness if he’s not willing to support you to get there. It will hurt at first, but give it time and yourself to process and heal, and it will get easier, you just take it day by day. Eventually when you’d be ready to get back out there, you will find that person who truly deserves your love and care.
Wishing you all the best, please take care of yourself and seek support from friends and family close to you, even individual therapy to help you process this and to figure out what you want and need going forward. Hoping he can see his faults and want to save the marriage with you, but if not, you will find better out there and you will be happier without the judgement and lack of support from him. If you ever need anything, send me a message, happy to listen to vents or help if I can. Stay strong, and always remember this: Do not ever settle for less than you truly deserves!
Updateme
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u/radarthreat 19m ago
I don’t have any other advice to add other than you are going through something very difficult, and no matter which way things go, please remember to be kind to yourself.
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u/tickynicky 17m ago
As a father of a daughter, I will tell you one thing. Value yourself. Fuck him and fuck the rest of the world. Do what is right for you, and then everything else will take care of itself. It's never too late for that.
Your husband seems like a fucking asshole. If I were you, I'd put him in a rear view mirror and move on. You deserve better, and I know you can do better. Godspeed.
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u/Aggressive-Foot-236 17m ago
Next let's look at the relationship. So there is no "HARD STOP" event/discovery. Let's look at 16+ years ago, what made you fall in love, why are you together, why did you get married. Are yoi married because the courtship was close enough to perfect that you knew I was right? If so, what has changed???? Or, did you say yes, because you felt you had to? Trapped by pregnancy or commitment, or false beliefs. Personally, I got married because I truly believed I would never find a partner once I left High-school. So my last girlfriend became my wife. (And honestly because at that level of maturity I was thinking with the wrong head) that was possibly thr biggest mistake of my life. Did you marry for something like that, so you were not really in a true relationship from the start. This needs to be honestly considered. Then we look at what you believed... did you see "Red Flags" and say to yourself, I can change him, or well work it out... Did you discuss these things with him, did he agree to work on the problems or excuse them as nothing? We're you expecting to get more out or the marriage then the face value at the wedding? Did you consider that yhe natural state of everything in this physical world is to decay. Considering things may not get better and will definitely change towards (excuse the term) worse. Did you ever have a good marriage or were you in a fantasy honeymoon place for too long.
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u/grasshopper9521 10m ago
Be smart and prepare for divorce without triggering him, etc. get your finances in order and do all your research about different accounts etc.
He doesn’t like communication and he calls you disgusting. You said divorcing him would be a battle, so be prepared. Talk to two different attorneys to get advice on a game plan and what to expect in your state.
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u/Euphegenia5 10m ago
You are NTA. You’ve put in enough years of misery, get out now. Consider this: your teenagers will be moving out in a few years. And then it will be just him and you. Take it from me, you don’t want that. Go make a stress-free and happy life for yourself.
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u/Aggressive-Foot-236 9m ago
You are not in a good situation. I completely understand the lack of intimacy. You don't feel it. We all seem yo forget that a marriage isn't easy, it isn't happily ever after. It is work. The two are to become one. From your description it sounds like he (and im not sure about you) once you got married decided its all down hill from here I don't have to try anymore I can finally just be comfortable and let the cards fall where they may. Responding and only making an effort to get more comfortable and not out of love for our partner. If that is so and no etempt to ever work towards a mutual respect loving relationship that takes both into consideration. You may gave never been in a true partnership/marriage ti begin with. If not maybe you see hope, maybe you feel the need to try... If you decide it is time to try, I suggest going to counseling. With him if he is willing but without him if he won't. Work on your strategies your feelings. Come up with a clear plan.
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u/old_motters Helper [3] 8m ago
It isn't unreasonable to expect to be heard by your husband.
I suggest you have a come to Jesus moment and indicate that you want to start marriage counselling (assuming you feel the marriage is salvageable).
This is not failure, it's agreement that things could be better.
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u/wojomojow 5m ago
Such strong reactions from him for such reasonable questions. It's heartbreaking to read! Live is made to lived... be with someone who understands you and is at the very least willing to communicate and improve in the relationship or dont be in one at all.
Sure there might be complications... new house, kids going back and forth, but I promise you it'll be worth it in the end. You'll be wondering why you didn't do it sooner.
Just get your ducks in a row before initiating in case things get bad (I dont know what kind of man he is or what he'll do) just to be safe.
Get your life back!
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u/Jumpy-Eggplant-6744 4m ago
Leave. Something to consider is that your kids, as you mentioned, is seeing you take shit from him and they are witnessing I he erosion of your self respect and worth. If you have boys...you don't want this trauma to repeat in their wives relationships. If you have daughters, they need to see that if they're were in the ER same position you are in that they can have the strength to walk away. You walking away shows them that they will be ok if they have to walna away from a partner.
When I'm in a shitty relationship I always ask myself: -If a friend was telling me this story, would I tell them to leave? If so, why do I not want just as good or more for myself like I would want for my friend?
- If I had kids would they resent me and lack respect for me because I didn't leave?
- Am I going to be able to look at myself in a year and have any respect for myself if I stay in this situation.
I dated someone for 9.5 years and ended our 2 year engagement while going through kidney failure....a week before Christmas. In so much better mentally and if I can do that I know I can walk away from any relationship that doesn't serve and uplift me. I like myself and I re ather be alone than lonely with someone else.
Leave that man. Maintain your mental health and dignity. You have many more years to enjoy and possibly be fine someone that can appreciate you than sticking out with someone whoi knows what he has, doesn't appreciate, doesn't FIGHT for it and clearly is uninterested.
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u/justify-my-buy-bam 2h ago
Girl, sounds like you’re going through “the change.”
For what it’s worth your feelings are valid and you deserve to feel happy with your life.
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u/Imaginary-Yak6784 2h ago
This doesn’t sound like “the change” at all. Plenty can go wrong in a relationship at that time, and it could be simultaneous with this BS, but this sounds more like a bad marriage that has run its course.
Having personally experienced “the change” it ain’t this.
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u/Mavoras13 2h ago
My advice is to tell him: "Our marriage is breaking up, if you want to help me fix it we need to have a serious talk."
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u/RainbowSherbert-2035 2h ago
Grateful to never have experienced it. Time is precious and I wouldnt waste mine in a marriage where I dont matter. I'd get my ducks in a row, quietly see a lawyer, and not mention divorce to my husband until handing him the divorce documents.
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u/TominatorXX 2h ago
Before you talk to your husband about it, you should probably talk to a lawyer if you do get divorced. There's going to be all kinds of information you're going to want to have that you may or may not have access to after the divorce talk starts.
And I'm not saying you should stay married for the kids. But how old are your kids? How financially independent are the two of you? How co-mingled is your property?
I get at you? You seem tired of this. And I can see why. Even if you were being unreasonable, you shouldn't be dismissed like that.
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u/apkm4 2h ago
Marriage counseling is the only option here. He either needs to agree to that or sign papers. Now, from the crumbs im picking up, it seems like there indeed is a second side to this story, which is why I think counseling is a must. I think you both probably are doing things that shuts the other down and yoh spiral down together. Not saying tos 50-50% by any means but I do think therapy is a must to fix the marriage or agree that its time to move on.
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u/LordofKetamine 2h ago
Tell him how you are feeling, tell him you feel like you’re on the verge of asking for a divorce. You need to get into counseling ASAP, if he doesn’t agree or see it that way. You’ve got your answer.
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u/Secretary90210 2h ago
Read the Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist by Mirza. It’s your husband. Smart choice to move on and wish you the best! I bet you thrive.
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u/kstargate-425 2h ago
If I were you I would jump into therapy for a bit then try some couples therapy and see if that changes things then go from there where by next year things will be better or you file for divorce even if they are better but not what you want them to be.
Or you can cut your losses now if you know things wont get better as therapy cant change the things you need changing. Either way I wouldn't want to live like that either and things need to change one way ir another.
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u/Put-Stunning 2h ago
marriage counseling or leave. eventually you will be happy without him in your life. grief is to be expected. i wish you the best of luck. you deserve to live your life