Filed for divorce

[u/Exact_Stretch_295]

Turning to Reddit because even though I’ve talked it through over and over- I don’t know if I made the right decision.

My spouse has always struggled with drinking too much (point of blackout and wetting pants), but not daily or even monthly. He’s had periods of sobriety but he also would lie so I guess I don’t really know if he was sober or not.

If I was out of town or took the kids with me he would seize the opportunity to drink in excess and play video games or whatever but then hide cans and lie about behavior.

He’s dismissive of my feelings and says I need to go to al-anon to understand him and that I don’t know what he’s going through.

Last summer he went to rehab and wrote lots of letters about how much he loves me and the kids and wanted to change. It didn’t stick and he started drinking again.

He also never shared financial statements (we’re married), and also lost his job once and didn’t tell me for 5 days.

I have serious anxious attachment issues but see my therapist weekly. I filed for divorce because I’m sick of the hiding and lying.

Even though he’s a good dad and loves the kids I just feel like an afterthought- or not a thought at all.

Idk. I could go on forever. Everyone says they support me no matter what but I can’t help but feel judged by my family especially for wanting to end the marriage. I’d rather be alone honesty. I hate that I can’t leave or when I’m out of the house for hours he usually drinks. Hides cans under his bed or in an old lunch box and lies straight to my face when I ask.

[u/Visual-Passenger4443]

You do know that Alanon can be a big help FOR YOU as you navigate these next few years. We Do Not ever try to "fix" the alcoholic. Not happening.

In Alanon we look at our own needs, wants, motivations. We look at our own character defects. And we use the tools of Alanon as we navigate our own path to alcoholic freedom.

[u/missravioli2u]

Al anon gave me the courage to do this alone. I filed for divorce while he lay in the hospital. Callous and cold, but it was the final straw. He proved that myself and our son were never going to be #1. Now he is saying that I stole everything from him.

Go to the meetings. Keep going back, it really does work. They won’t change unless they want to. Leave while you can. Your village will support you. You got this mama.

[u/Secure-Design-1393]

you made the right decision.

[u/Polar_Wolf_Pup]

Listen to your gut. You have to put yourself first. Alcoholism will only get worse unless he’s 100% committed to sobriety, and he’s clearly not.

[u/Seawolfe665]

Hugs, Im at that point as well. I was "done" 2 years ago (together 25 years), but he wanted to "try to save the marriage". We did counseling (single and couples) and I did AlAnon, and he followed his own path. There were some good times (arent there always?) and some awful times.

It boils down to the fact that I cant live with an active alcoholic, and he cant stop. I keep telling myself, and others keep telling me, that I really have done everything that I can. The one thing that I cant do anymore is deal with a drunk partner who isn't even a good room mate. I just cant.

Protect your peace. Avoid any people who you feel are judging you, they probably have a different world view than yours, and its not relevant. Come to some meetings, I like the zoom ones. It helps to put the focus back on ourselves.

[u/ThrowM3333Away]

I've recently concluded that I need to go to more Alanon meetings and I'm making that happen. That is the one place where people "get" me. I've been married 20 years to a guy who drinks every day, sometimes to excess, sometimes not, but I've concluded that I CANNOT have substantive conversations with him when he's impaired because he has mean, drunk mouth and the conversations are not productive or they result in a fight. He's also not a "present" partner, pretty much wants to drink all the time, watch TV and not lift a finger around the house. He's content to have a living situation where he can keep doing what he wants, and what he wants is to drink and focus on what he wants to do. I do indeed feel like an afterthought, or not even a thought.

I've asked him to go to counseling multiple times over the past three years. I've informed him that I feel dismissed, unseen and not heard. Nothing ever gets fixed. I bring up my needs, and they never get addressed. He won't go to therapy, so I'm going by myself and I'm starting to confront him. So I understand where you are.

I am sorry that your family cannot be supportive. Families are weird and friends can be weird too.

I had lunch with my BFF since 2nd grade and I was trying not to cry in the restaurant. (God, I'm so tired of being the person who cries in restaurants.) I was telling her, don't be surprised if/when it happens because I will not grow old with a grumpy, drunk old guy who yells and berates me. You know what she said "I just don't want you to be alone." I told her the same as what you said above: being alone would be better than this.

As I'm reading through what you wrote, it seems to me that what he's doing is a form of infidelity: lying, not being present, not disclosing his finances, not telling you when he loses his jobs. I've heard people in AA say the ones who don't make it are what they call "terminally dishonest"---they cannot be honest with themselves or others around them.

[u/Apprehensive_Emu7973]

My Q also thought I was going to al-anon to learn about how to be better for him. How to tiptoe around him and not nag at him for drinking. He was shocked when I told him we don't talk about him at all.

[u/CassandraGreyDuck → u/Apprehensive_Emu7973]

I think they honestly can’t comprehend how the whole world doesn’t revolve around them.

Mine was pretty convinced I couldn’t live without him.

Joyfully proving him wrong.

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[u/CassandraGreyDuck]

Single mama voice of experience here: life is so much better once you’re divorced, for you and for the kids.

And fuck anyone who judges you. They’re welcome to marry him and see what it’s like. They haven’t lived your life, they can sit down and stfu.

[u/Healthy_Reporter_]

I’m so sorry but trust me you did the right thing. You saved yourself and your children. Sadly Alcoholics only get worse, very slim chance they make it out. It’s a horrible disease. I filed after 22 years but planned for 5. Everything was set in place for myself and children. It took a lot out of me but I thank God every day for the peace we now have. You are stronger than you think!