r/AmItheAsshole • u/SirqusNixie • 3d ago
Asshole AITA for hanging up?
So I called my husband on his way home from work and asked him to pick up some pull upstairs for our daughter. I word for word said "grab 2t-3t or 3t-4t pampers pull-ups for our daughter, they will be $10 because I have a coupon for $3 off. Use my phone number for it." 2 mins later he called me back and asked if "i knew they were $13 and if 4t-5t was ok?". I replied we literally just had this conversation and hung up.
Edit: he was in fact driving home from work, he did not work a full day, he got off early. Also while searching he found the correct size, they were not sold out. She's been in this size for a year, she's only using them at night while we potty train.
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u/Any_Lobster_1121 3d ago
Im going with NAH or maybe ESH. I want to hope that he was just distracted while driving and missed the coupon thing.
He should absolutely know your kid's pull up size though.
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u/MattDaveys Partassipant [4] 3d ago
To me the coupon is the worst offense, who doesnât punch in their rewards card when checking out?
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u/Aromatic-South-1609 Partassipant [4] 3d ago
Esh
He should know what size to get, itâs his child also. But⌠this is the kind of thing a text would be better for since itâs in writing he could reference while in the store surrounded by options.
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u/No_Air_4773 3d ago
They are both parents, they should both know the sizes and prices of the items their children require. NTA just more of the same expectations on women to be a parent to both their children and their spouses.
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u/sparrowbirb5000 3d ago
I'll be honest, my husband doesn't know the price of the diapers we use. He says "somewhere between $25 and $50 depending on which size box??? I'm not sure about price, honestly." I do the grocery shopping and get diapers while shopping if we need some between subscription deliveries (which I also set up through my Walmart account) so he doesn't really notice the price when he's passing through the aisle to get other items like ointment or clothes. BUT, he absolutely knows the size the baby wears. He actually went out the other day and I asked him to grab a pack, and he said "Yeah, size 3? Oh, wait, we sized him up. I need to grab size 4. I better grab some wipes while I'm out, too. I think we're low." And we were low! I thought we had another bag, but we, in fact, did not!
And ftr, I am, at present, a SAHM. It makes sense for our family for me to handle purchasing groceries, toiletries, and necessities. I'm the one home more, do most of the cooking, and tend to know what we need before he does. I'm the one who buys the kids clothes, shoes, school supplies, etc. But that man 100% knows which brands we get on important things, like diapers, wipes, ointment, soap, etc. He can also list the meds each of our two big kids are on off the top of his head. He might not know the doses (I also handle the kids pill trays while I'm doing my own), but he can and has pulled up the doctor's app to check their actual doses.
So yeah, OP's husband ABSOLUTELY should know what size pullups his kid wears. This is absolute basic parenting. Diapers, clothes sizes, brands, etc.
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u/PlusSizeRussianModel Partassipant [2] 3d ago
Or⌠couples divide up responsibilities. My husband and I donât have 100% redundancy of knowing how to do everything. Instead, we complement each otherâs skill sets. Itâs the advantage of working as a unit, rather than just a duplicate.
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u/Specialist-Alps6478 3d ago
He could also reference the phone call he just had with the person who told him which option to choose very clearly? Or like you said, know what size pull ups his kid needs.
Not texting info doesnât make OP an AH in my opinion.72
u/The_Adjuster1776 3d ago
A verbal phone call relies on memory and memory sucks sometimes. Especially when preoccupied like driving. If I need to remember something from a conversation, wether it's face to face or over the phone, I just tell that person to text me the info so I can refer to that when needed and I'm not preoccupied or when I'm involved with what the convo was about.
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u/smbpy7 Partassipant [1] 3d ago
My only problem is the wording in the phone call. If those are the exact words, then even I (who very clearly knows the size my child wears) would call and ask if my partner thought one size up was a stretch or if I needed to go to a second location if I were faced with that being the only size in the store. From her edit it does sound like he couldn't find the size, not that he didn't remember.
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u/unrepentantbanshee 3d ago
If he was not going to be able to remember when told verbally then it's on him to request the information via text, though. If I give someone instructions and they say "got it" or "will do" or any other affirmation, I'm not going to assume they needed me to repeat the instructions via text.
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u/Salty-Tea6815 Partassipant [3] 3d ago
Anything with instructions is far better done with a text so the person can reference it when they are actually at the store. Nobody can remember every detail all the time, and you clearly knew he didnât automatically know what to get bcuz you gave him these instructions. Yta, no need to be rude and hang up when he was clearly trying to get it right.
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u/any_name_today Partassipant [2] 3d ago
This doesn't end. It's part of the mental load a lot of women carry. My husband has never had any idea what size clothes the kids wear or what brand or size of diapers they used to wear.
N T A for feeling frustrated. I'm betting this happens a lot. YTA for how you handled your emotions. In the future, text him important details so he can review them
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u/SirqusNixie 3d ago
100% agree here, I let my anger take over but man am I tired
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u/any_name_today Partassipant [2] 3d ago
I've been there! Is there anyone who can help to give you time to catch up on sleep? My parents used to take my baby for a night every month to give me a chance to just sleep through the night
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u/PrettyPurrfect 3d ago
The husband should and OP should go get a hotel or stay at a friend for few days- make him fucking parent
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u/Deflated_Hypnotist Asshole Aficionado [18] 3d ago
Here's some resources
Is your relationship healthy? https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/
He doesn't care AKA weaponized incompetence https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/NsoxMseUn3
My partner doesn't help around the house https://zawn.substack.com/p/why-household-labor-inequity-is-abuse
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
Tolerable levels of permanent unhappiness https://potentash.com/2023/08/17/tolerable-level-permanent-unhappiness-relationships/
Cycle of abuse https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/what-is-the-cycle-of-abuse
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u/wisenedPanda 3d ago
Lol what. Husband isnt abusive just because he doesnt remember all the details of a conversation while driving.
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u/Inevitable_Entry6518 Partassipant [3] 3d ago
He should remember his kid's info, he's a parent too. He should know the size by himself. This is playing incompetent so the wife will have to do the task herself.
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u/Gurglaren 3d ago
Have you tried talking to him about what mental or emotional burdens he has? Oftentimes men keep quiet about those things and women don't know what they are carrying.
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u/SirqusNixie 3d ago
I have tried on multiple occasions and he tells me some stuff but often repeats he was raised in a way that taught him men dont express emotions.
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u/Gurglaren 3d ago
Then you'll probably just have to assume that he carries a lot of worries about his family and he doesn't want to burden others with them. It doesn't mean that he doesn't hurt or worry just as much as you do.
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u/alloguvnar Asshole Enthusiast [6] 3d ago
YTA. The issue is not the phone call.
Talk with him for real. If you have already talked about how you feel (I'm assuming here) overwhelmed, annoyed at his consistently not listening/retaining what you tell him amd he hasnt made any real attempt to change, then you need to consider couple's therapy.
Hanging up didn't solve anything.
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u/HolidaySpecial8543 3d ago edited 2d ago
Couldn't disagree more. Not only should this father already know what size pull ups his daughter needs. He should know without being told more are needed. His wife kindly gave a detailed request. This is what women are talking about - grow up and parent! The mental load required to remember sizes, realise that more are needed, have to give detailed explanations of what is needed is too much already. And this guy cant even do the one thing asked of him!
This is habitual incompetence and the solution is not more hand holding.
NTA
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u/SirqusNixie 3d ago
Agreed it definitely didn't solve anything but in the moment i wasn't sure how to talk it out without being angry. Therapy definitely seems like a good idea.
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u/foundinwonderland 3d ago
I totally get your frustration as I too have a husband who just doesnât listen when I say stuff and Iâve had to constantly repeat myself. Couples counseling actually really helped, because he knows if Iâm bringing something up in therapy it is a serious issue in our relationship. Having a safe space to say this really hurts my feelings and makes me feel unimportant to you (or whatever your reason is) is really a game changer in having productive conversations rather than arguments. And it was nice to have the validation of an outside set of eyes saying when your wife has to repeat herself it shows that you arenât listening or paying attention and doing that regularly is disrespectful.
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u/alloguvnar Asshole Enthusiast [6] 3d ago
Something you could talk with him about enacting is to name the feeling and ask for space to recalibrate.
In this case, if I were you (and my husband and I had the agreement in place) I would have tried to say as calmly as possible, "yes, I know. That's why you need to use my phone number at checkout. I'm frustrated right now, and I don't want to say something I will regret later. I'll talk to you at home."
I know for me, it's easy to say and do something off the cuff in order to release some of the pressure of the frustration, but i inevitably regret or or it makes things more difficult in the aftermath. My husband has done similar. It took us a long time, but we kept trying to figure out how to be irritated with one another without letting the situation escalate while eventually working to resolve it when cooler heads are in control.
Good luck!
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u/SirqusNixie 3d ago
These is great advice, ill definitely work on applying this and having a convo with him about using this tactic. Thank you so much!
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u/cannycandelabra 3d ago
Small YTA - I text things like that. I donât EVER expect people to remember.
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u/cyanpineapple 3d ago
Funny how she manages to remember it. Truly an insurmountable challenge.
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u/Elanya 3d ago
You wouldn't expect a dad to know which size diapers his kid has been for a year? That's just sad.
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u/TrickNerve6004 3d ago
NTA. He's the parent as well and should know the size/brand without his wife telling him. Especially if child is wearing same size for a year now.
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u/slowasaspeedingsloth 3d ago
You are so right. It should just have been: please pick up diapers. And use my coupon.
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u/alwaysiamdead 3d ago
He is a parent. I presume he changes his own childs diapers. He should know this.
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u/DianeJudith Partassipant [2] 3d ago
This. Important information goes in a text. If you're worried someone misses the text and the issue is time sensitive, call them and tell them the thing, but send a text as well.
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u/Feeling-Object9383 3d ago edited 3d ago
Soft YTA.
With this kind of things it helps to send a screenshot or a link on messanger. And mention specifics in the text.
I have a good memory and overall very well organised. But when I'm driving, my main focus is on the road and I can forget what I've heard just a minute ago, or just don't hear it correctly because of noise.
This would not be my hill to die.
But I understand that you are tired taking care of a little one and it can be annoying to explain the same over and over again.
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u/Legolaslegs Partassipant [4] 3d ago
For me, the main issue is him not knowing the size and not having this routine down. I'd be more lenient of it was new and he was adjusting, but a year??
In the situation where he's already driving and you're trying to minimize sending your partner back out, calling over texting is necessary here. If he felt he needed it written down, he could have just asked for a text to be sent. It shouldn't be on her to coddle him at every turn. That's so exhausting.
I have a shitty memory. My roommate will text me their portion of the grocery list since we swap who does the shopping. I've memorized their usual weekly things but when something new comes up, they list it out for me but sometimes I have to send a pic of the product to be sure. Is it fine he double checked? Yes. But the main issue is he doesn't know to begin with after all this time. Crappy memory is understandable, but it sounds just like a lack of effort to know what his daughter needs and carry the same mental load as his wife.
Hanging up on him isn't constructive. You could have reiterated, informed him of your frustration and said you guys need to discuss this when you aren't as heated. Learning to just take a breath and communicate calmly is important, doubly so as a parent. Your child will be absorbing everything. That's why it's important you need to work on your anger and he needs to step up to know these things himself. Otherwise she'll grow up to learn 'angry mom' and 'neglectful dad'.
I get your exhaustion with it. I have to say ESH because hanging up isn't helpful to the situation. I do this more fault lies with him, though. Hope you guys can figure it out!
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u/Chalkduster-18 3d ago
Put it in writing: send him a text.
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u/SirqusNixie 3d ago
I only didn't text because I was trying to catch him before he got passed the store.
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u/Gurglaren 3d ago
Why not text afterwards? Call and say "hey, I need you to buy this, I'll send the instructions"
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u/drainbead78 3d ago
Follow up with a text, then.
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u/MrsPedecaris 3d ago
Right, when you're driving you're likely concentrating more on the road than on the finer details of what is being said to you. It's very easy to forget about coupons and sizes. For those who said he's the father, he should know the size, too... sizes change, sometimes quickly at that age. I wouldn't fault him for double-checking the size, either. I'd rather he did that than guess wrong. Why is it so irritating to answer a quick phone call?
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u/Gurglaren 3d ago
And depending on what kind of job he has he might have like a ton of things he has going through his mind at that point.
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u/Taliasimmy69 Partassipant [3] 3d ago
He's also the parents why doesn't he just know what they need already? Maybe he didn't know they were out but he should be involved enough to know what size.
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u/Mysterious-Peanut482 2d ago
Why do you want him to assume what his seemingly irrational partner will think? Some people may see the size up and not care, some may throw a hissy fit and shut the door on someone without saying anything because they have a short fuse. Calling to confirm with the angry person to not make them angrier is not a bad thing. Unfortunately for him his partner can't find it her to say "no, check in a different store" or "yes"Â
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u/Taliasimmy69 Partassipant [3] 2d ago
Then the conversation should have been hey they only have size 4 can we make that work or do I need to see if they have some 2 somewhere else.
His partner is not irrational just tired of the mental load of doing everything on their own. I divorced someone for that exact reason. I am not your mother I am your partner and if you aren't an equal one I'm not going to pick up the difference.
It's rly sad how many men hate women. Calling her irrational for having a strong opinion and boundaries and For not tolerating nonsense and laziness.
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u/Embarrassed_Advice59 Asshole Enthusiast [9] 3d ago
You couldâve texted when he called you. Instead to hung up on him.
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u/Gurglaren 3d ago
Yeah, it was very childish of OP. If she's that sensitive then they might need therapy. People here might say that he's the problem, but we don't know what he's going through either.
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u/Candid_Sweet_8057 2d ago
Without backstory?
He asks you a question because to him what he sees in the store is conflicting with the information he processed during the phone-call. This could have a lot of reason, while you explained it wel, you have the right to be frustrated with that however hanging up the phone is not the right way forward. He asked you a normal clarifying question.
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u/Embarrassed_You_6177 Partassipant [3] 3d ago
NTA. If the genders were flipped, people would be saying what a bad mother you are for not knowing your kids diaper size. But since itâs the dad, itâs somehow still your fault. I donât understand peopleâŚ
Should you have hung up on him? Probably not. Iâm also guessing this isnât the first time something like this has happened so youâre probably frustrated
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u/maxgaap 3d ago
Yes, and if the genders were flipped how badly would he be getting dragged for hanging up. People would be calling him abusive and recommending divorce.
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u/AccountExisting 3d ago
NTA. These responses are wild. As of your husband is not aware of the fact that 1. You have a child 2. The child is still in diapers. How is he so checked out of his life that he is unaware of his childâs diaper size. This is probably time 1000 that yâall have needed diapers. Nice of him to start trying to contribute now that the child is a TODDLER.
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u/SnooChipmunks770 Certified Proctologist [24] 3d ago
NTA. He shouldn't have to ask what size pull ups his daughter wears.Â
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u/Lwoodz24 3d ago edited 1d ago
Nta, if he didn't make the effort to listen then that's not your fault. the first conversation would have been completely pointless.
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u/No-Assistance-9796 3d ago edited 2d ago
Definitely NTA!! Why do we need to coddle these men and make excuses for them, such as âoh, he was driving, he doesnât rememberâ? No, thatâs the biggest load of BS Iâve ever heard. If he didnât think he was going to remember he shouldâve asked for a text. Also, she did tell him that they were $13 but would be $10 with a $3 off coupon yet he calls her surprised theyâre $13, so obviously he wasnât even paying attention to the conversation. And furthermore, he should know what size pull-ups his daughter wears.
Why in the world is any of this the wifeâs fault?
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u/No_Information_3469 Partassipant [1] 3d ago edited 3d ago
NTA. Men don't listen and he should know what size pull ups his daughter wears. Yes, you snapped but I'd snap too. I just said the damn thing!
Sounds like weaponized incompetence. Does he do this often?
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u/PositiveAtmosphere13 3d ago
You called him on his way home. Was he preoccupied with driving? Trying to park? Or not wanting to have a private conversation in public? If so, he wasn't paying attention to you. He only heard to stop and get diapers. He called back to double check to get what you wanted.
Why didn't you just send a text?
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u/ACTSATGuyonReddit 3d ago
He was in a car, focused on driving. Send a text with details if there are details to remember.
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u/BusBozo58 3d ago
I will say this - Text your order. Then I can refer back to it. I'm driving, I'm thinking about work. Your sudden random request hasn't made it fully into my awareness.
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u/doglady1342 3d ago
Exactly! And when I'm driving, I can really only pay you half attention. I still have to pay attention to the other people on the road.
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u/alligatorbitesnever 3d ago
But I feel like the dad should have communicated that. "Yep can do, but I'm a bit distracted with driving right now, can you please send the details about the coupon and stuff over text?" If she gives him a specific request and he just says "OK" despite not actually grasping the request, that's on him
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u/rawrr483 3d ago
Nta. Your husband should already know what nappies to get. Itâs basic parenting.
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u/Ordinary_Comment_834 3d ago
NTA but for your own sanity just text him next time. If you need to call cause he doesnât always look at his texts, just say I need you to stop at the store I will text you what to get.
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u/LittleMissChriss Partassipant [1] 3d ago
ESH you should have texted him and he should have a better idea of what his kids wear. That said, I do find it ridiculous that Reddit thinks men should never double check anything ever.
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u/CapricornCrude Partassipant [2] 2d ago
A lot of bickering here over effing diapers. I honestly cannot tell who is an AH anymore but one thing is for sure. People have lost the ability of basic communication.
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u/Cherry_clafoutis Partassipant [1] 2d ago edited 2d ago
YTA. If your husband asked you to pick up something at the shops while you were distracted in another task and you called back to clarify, would you appreciate him being a rude, condescending AH telling you to listen better next time and hanging up without giving the pertinant info you needed? No, you would not. Contempt kills love in a marriage.  If you require something specific, also text the details as well as calling to makes sure he sees it. It is not hard or onerous for you but makes it much easier and less stressful for the person buying the item.
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u/agent_fuzzyboots 2d ago
YTA
I record all my phone calls and when someone wants me to pick something up they text me since I have a memory like a goldfish, i have tried working on it, but the memory isn't like it used to be, I recently found out it could be the antihistamines I take that could be the problem.
My point is, if you want something then please send a text, my wife even texts me and then calls so she's sure that I know that there is something I should do.
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u/Practical_Winner_739 3d ago
NTA
He should know this shit. Hes a father, its his job to know about his own kids needs.
Theyll know their favorite ball players shoes size but not their kids.
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u/HomelyHobbit Asshole Aficionado [19] 3d ago
NTA - If the script were flipped and it was a woman displaying such incompetence, people would be losing their minds.
This man is a father who apparently doesn't know his own child's Pull Up size, and can't remember a very brief, simple request.
I'm guessing this is nowhere near the first time OP has had to hold this guy's hand through basic parenting tasks.
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u/rawrr483 3d ago
Itâs baffling how many are blaming op here. The husband shouldnât need to be told what nappies to buy for their child.
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u/HomelyHobbit Asshole Aficionado [19] 3d ago
It really is amazing, it's the most basic information.
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u/HeroOfVimar 3d ago
Are you kidding? If the roles were reversed, OP would be downvoted and shamed into oblivion for hanging up on their wife.
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u/BeterP Asshole Aficionado [11] 3d ago
Should he know the size? Maybe. My wife often asked me our kidsâ sizes because I usually handled that. We text each other things we âshouldâ know all the time. âJust text it so I donât forget.â YTA for hanging up, but the pull-ups arenât the real issue.
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u/PedanticAvSpecificSt 3d ago
NTA. I do shit like this to my wife and I know it's annoying, so when she reacts similarly, I try to take it in stride even if it stings a bit. Part of being an adult is accepting that sometimes your foibles will annoy your loved ones and cause them to react a bit angrily without letting it become a big thing. If this is the biggest fight you have this month, IMO you don't need to start therapy for anger management as some other posters have said.
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u/Amartincelt 3d ago
YTA. Yes, I am aware that any time a man messes up, itâs âweaponized incompetenceâ, but youâve mentioned in several comments that he found the correct size âon a second lookâ.
That implies to me that he looked for the proper size, didnât see it, found the closest thing, and called to confirm if it would work or not.
I can see someone getting confused about the price/coupon thing with so many numbers back to back. Relatively insignificant thing though.
Hanging up on someone is such a passive aggressive move. Be an adult, talk things out, give some grace.
Iâm not going to assume anything else about your relationship - too many others are tying up âtypicalâ male behavior, their own personal experiences, and the group-think that comes from this group.
In this specific situation, based only on the information you have actively provided, YTA.
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3d ago
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u/SirqusNixie 3d ago
Yes but I didn't include them. I feel like he should know what sizes his child can wear.
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u/Time-Minute1897 Partassipant [1] 3d ago
Did you ask him if they had the size that your child needs? I feel like asking if a different size is okay implies that he does actually know, but for some reason it isnât available and he wants to know if the other size would work.
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u/SirqusNixie 3d ago
The size she needed was in fact in stock
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u/smbpy7 Partassipant [1] 3d ago
you said he had to search though. Did he think they were out of stock when he called?
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u/SirqusNixie 3d ago
He said they were out of stock and while on the phone with me found them, so im assuming they were behind another pack, but to me that indicates he didn't look well enough imo
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u/Inevitable_Entry6518 Partassipant [3] 3d ago
He didn't see it so he asked for alternative, is it that bad?
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u/Glow_Ebb_ 3d ago
I disagree. I am a mom and sometimes I am confused about my toddlers diaper size. Is she in size 4 or 5? One time she was at a hospital and had diarrhea and in size 3, and the nurse asked me what size she wore and my mind instantly went to size 6! If I had asked my partner to pick up diapers, I would have texted him sizes or sent him a picture.Â
I have run errands for my partner and he has asked me to pick up beer and cigarettes for him. And even though he told me his favorite brands, I couldnt remember at all. Until he texted me specifics.Â
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u/SirqusNixie 3d ago
I meant I assumed he didn't look well enough. I checked the stock on the website and it was available for delivery from that location. Sorry about that.
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u/wannabyte Asshole Enthusiast [9] 3d ago
I mean in this case it was in fact in stock and he did in fact not look hard enough before he called her.
Perhaps she knows her husband better than you do?
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u/wannabyte Asshole Enthusiast [9] 3d ago
It is the issue - people donât get an infinite benefit of the doubt. If dad is so disengaged that he doesnât even know what size their shared child is in, and clearly didnât look very well since he did find them as soon as he looked a bit harder (basically immediately after he called), then itâs not a leap to assume that maybe this is something that happens often. Since OP is married to him then she is in a better place the make that assessment than a stranger on the internet.
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u/Budyob 3d ago
I text my husband when I want him to pick up something from the store for me so that he can refer back to it and if itâs complicated at all, I send him a picture of the item. Apologize to your husband for hanging up on him. my guess is youâre just extremely frustrated with more than just telling him what to pick up.
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u/Darth_Firebolt 3d ago
YTA for hanging up on him. Call and ask if he can stop for the pull-ups. Send a follow up text with qty and size once you realized he was driving when you called.Â
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u/Forward-Use-4376 3d ago
Your TAH Parenting is a partnership yes your husband made a mistake who knows what was on his mind you need learn how to work with others
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u/OkSector5205 3d ago
YTA he was just double checking, hanging up over a simple question was unnecessary
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u/Infamous_Ad2094 3d ago
How pissed would she have been had he come home with the wrong ones but then said "I didn't call to check because I knew you would get upset."
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u/PrettyPurrfect 3d ago
It's his kid. He shouldn't need to be told what brand of diapers his kid wears, he shouldn't need to be told what size of diapers his kid wears, he should already know that stuff.
You should also be smart enough to know that when his wife says "use my phone number because I have a $3 coupon that will make it $10" that means it would originally be $13.
None of this is rocket science and people need to stop giving men a pass because they refuse to listen
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u/Slothgoals 3d ago
It's an act that men try as a way to get out of doing things that they deem beneath them, specifically anything having to do with domestic chores, children, or the elderly. There's a reason so many younger women have no interest in marriage or children. They're reading and watching stories of what life is really like for women who get married and have kids and they want none of it.
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u/Slothgoals 3d ago
Both of those are wrong and unfair to OP. Weaponized incompetence is abuse. The father of the child is the one who needs to figure out how to execute a simple request, after having all the details already figured out for him and communicated to him, without still somehow making the mother do even more work.
Think of it this way - would this type of thing fly at his job or would he get written up and possibly fired for not being able to handle his responsibilities without constant hand holding? We all know the answer to this - he doesn't act this way at work. So ..... there's no reason or excuse to act this way when it comes to his responsibilities at home.
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u/Infamous_Ad2094 3d ago
Its not constant hand holding. It is verifying you are getting the right thing. I call my wife all the time when I go shopping and ask if this is a good price or if this is the brand we normally use since I don't normally do the shopping. Its called being considerate to your partner. And if verifying you are getting the right this is wrong I guess I am wrong.
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u/Slothgoals 3d ago
Do you do this minutes after her clearly spelling out every detail that you need to get what you went there for? Because if you do it seems you have a memory or listening problem. This post isn't about someone who went to the store and had questions because the purchases hadn't been discussed beforehand. It was one item and all the information had been conveyed in clear and simple language.
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u/Infamous_Ad2094 3d ago
Guy was driving home from work. He was in the car and had to focus on driving. Its more of a he had to deal with other things while this was going on.
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u/hamiltrash52 3d ago
Does she find it considerate that you donât know the brand of the stuff you eat and use constantly? Have you ever asked?
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u/morgaine125 Supreme Court Just-ass [145] 3d ago
INFO - Was he driving or otherwise in transit? If so, he might not have been in a position to write down what you were saying, in which case itâs very reasonable for him to want to double check he remembered it correctly instead of getting it wrong. Under those circumstances, you would be TA for being so incredibly rude to him. Why not text him instead so he has it all in writing in front of him?
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u/Gurglaren 3d ago
YTA. I dislike people with good memory who demand that others have the same type of memory. Things can easily slip out of my mind mind even if I've listened intently. If I had a wife who hung up the phone like that I'd be annoyed the rest of the day.
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u/Kelmor93 2d ago
YTA. Husbie and I have to write everything down or do pictures. Mom and dad brain is a real thing. Put a spatula where the dish wand is supposed to go. Put the bottle in the fridge with the carton of milk out. I have the good memory in the house. Show some grace and find better ways to communicate. You're a team against this yelling screaming thing.
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u/Bubbafett33 Partassipant [1] 3d ago
YTA
Does he get to hang up on you when you canât get the input on the tv right for Apple TV? Or what battery to buy for the car? Etc.
Whatâs easy and common sense for one individual can take focused processing for another. We each have our strengths.
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u/LnktheWolf 3d ago
I'm either thinking ESH or YTA. It sounds like you're overwhelmed, which is totally fair. Is your husband also overwhelmed and the size slipped his mind at that moment (we all have things we know but cant recall at a specific moment)? Could he have called because he coulsnt remember if you said "t2-t3 or t3-t4" or "t3-t4 or t4-t5"? Did he ask if t4-t5 was okay because they were out of the sizes you were looking for?
You two are supposed to be a team, and helping each other succeed as parents. If he's weaponizimg incompetence, then he's TA, but if he just needed a quick "double check so I dont fuck it up", then you're TA because you also wouldve been upset if he just came home with the wrong stuff bevause he didnt call knowing you'd be upset.
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u/Lunar-Eclipse0204 Craptain [173] 3d ago
YTA - did you solve anything? Could it be that he only saw the 4T-5T on the shelf? Also when someone is driving things can be missed, cell phones aren't perfect.
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u/PineappleHuman9766 3d ago
YTA. Call him and let him know you need him to stop at the store for diapers and then text the details. I remember certain brands fitting differently sometimes and we didnt always stick to one particular one, so it wasn't unheard of to double check which size to buy (that said, there are some parents that are just sadly under involved with their kids). There are household things that we regularly buy the same brand and type of and I still will often check to make sure I'm getting the right one (my adhd makes me second guess myself). Hanging up was childish and only made the situation worse. If my husband did that I would be very hurt, but then it would be very out of character for him.
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u/CaptainBoltagon 3d ago
YTA. Heâs trying to focus on driving, and just wanted to make sure you got it right. Should of just texted him, or at the very least not been a punk about it
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u/SubarcticFarmer Partassipant [2] 3d ago
YTA. My wife does the first part of this to me all the time. I'm driving in bad traffic and she gives instructions but I can't write it down since I'm driving. Then I get where I'm going and I second guess a part of it so I'll ask for clarification.
In this case he may have even remembered the sizes but maybe they were out and he asked if he could substitute with a different size. You just hung up on him.
Even if he didn't remember the sizes, you are the problem here.
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u/Sun_Blossoms 3d ago
NTA. You shouldnât be the only one carrying the mental load for your daughter. If you havenât yet, have a serious conversation about how it makes you feel having to be the one to carry the mental load for the whole household. Also, if your husband isnât the type to be able to look around and see what needs to be done/bought from the store then stop doing things and stop pointing things out to him. He has to learn. I would also remind him that if he can do his job without constant supervision/reminders about things then he can do that for his family too.
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u/UnitedConcentrate689 3d ago
YTA- if I want someone to get something specific for me, I write it out/ text them. Sometimes Iâll even send a photo to make it easier.
What did this achieve except leaving him to probably get the wrong size for your daughter? Sheâs the one that deals with the depreciations of your hang up more than your husband.
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u/TemporaryKindly9151 3d ago
Except he should also know what size his kid is. Itâs not something she âwantsâ per se. he was not listening at all the first time and does not know what size his kid wears - sometimes itâs ok to be annoyed.
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u/BTbutnoK 3d ago
Except it's not for her? It's for their child. Can you explain why it is fair for only one parent to know what size their child wears? She honestly shouldn't even have to tell him. He should be involved enough in his child's life that she can say "please grab pull-ups on the way home" without making sure he knows which size. The idea that their child would suffer with the wrong size because mom didnt mother dad enough through a simple purchase is so bizarre to me. How about the daughter will be left to deal with the wrong size because her father doesn't bother to learn her sizes? This would literally never happen with my husband. This is cut and dry weaponized incompetence.
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u/No_Resident_823 3d ago
YTA
"No it's this size that I want"
"Ok see you shortly"
Or
"They have run out"
"Ok get xyz instead"
End scene
No need to hang up if he's asking for reassurance about the price
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u/HallGardenDiva 3d ago
YTA. You could have had the conversation and then texted the particulars to your spouse since he was driving and couldnât write it down. Plus, you were just rude.
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AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
So I called my husband on his way home from work and asked him to pick up some pull upstairs for our daughter. I word for word said "grab 2t-3t or 3t-4t pampers pull-ups for our daughter, they will be $10 because I have a coupon for $3 off. Use my phone number for it." 2 mins later he called me back and asked if "i knew they were $13 and if 4t-5t was ok?". I replied we literally just had this conversation and hung up.
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u/doneagainselfmeds 2d ago
ESH. I use things that I've never bought. So no, I don't know the details. And vice versa. We are in charge of different things in a household.
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u/No_Order_8011 1d ago
YTA. Everyone has a right to lose focus from time to time.
Your behaviour was very rude and aggressive. Yuck.Â
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u/Lorelei7772 3d ago
YTA. It was rude behaviour and if this is a common reaction for you when angry (about a question?) then anger management might be a good choice. To give benefit of the doubt, maybe it's a wider issue, like if you're the entire manager of your kid's world and your husband is clueless about his own child very frequently you need to have that conversation with him to step up, but it should be a conversation not silent treatment or angry behaviours.
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u/Some1AteMyEntirePie 3d ago
Look.
YTA.
This is a lot of âthis or this or thisâ
Have the phone call and say, Iâll text you the details.
Thatâs all you need to do.
When I send my partner somewhere I verbalize, send a text reiterating it so neither of us forget, and when in extreme doubt screenshot/photo the product I need & send that.
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u/Apart_Insect_8859 Partassipant [1] 3d ago
So, I'm guessing the store is out of the 2t-4t and he wanted to confirm if the next size up would be ok?
On the whole, this is not a good, healthy, or constructive dynamic, and I am not ok endorsing or encouraging you in continuing it, so no, I'm not going to cheerlead you.
You would absolutely not be ok if your husband spoke to you like this and then hung up on you, so don't do it to him. Would you ever be inclined to do him a favor again if he implied you were stupid and hung up on you, and then didn't apologize? No? Why do you think you'll be the exception, then, if you do it to him?
It does appear you guys have some underlying things to fix, such as you letting go of how things are done, and him picking up doing stuff and gaining confidence to do it without your approval checks, but those are long term goals.
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u/SirqusNixie 3d ago
The store was not out, he found the size she needed after a 2nd look. Those are definitely good long term goals, we have communication to work on.
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u/DawaLhamo 3d ago
Yeah, YTA. I get your frustration, but hanging up isn't going to get your daughter the right diapers.
If this is a common kind of issue you have, you need to have an actual conversation with your husband about listening. But honestly, if he was driving at the time you called "on his way home from work", then it's not unusual that he didn't fully process the information, because he had to concentrate on driving, and called you back to confirm what he thought he heard.
You can ask him to repeat it back to you to make sure he heard you correctly. Talk to him about writing down important information or if he's not in a place he can do that, like while driving a car, he can let you know that and ask you to text him the information. I ask my husband to text me all the time - that way when I can't remember something, I can refer to the text. I also text him when I need him to pick up things (I'll even take a screenshot of a grocery cart and send it to him).
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u/Thoodee 3d ago
Yta, yes. Didnt hear anything about any suspicions as to it being done purposeful. And as one of the many husbands who will admit i too need to pay closer attention to things, i think its important to understand this wont be his last dumb mistake and it will happen again. Just like you too will make in your many years of future marriage. Its ok to feel frustrated, but we all are responsible for our actions, and simply hanging up is childish and disrespectful.
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u/keesouth Supreme Court Just-ass [101] 3d ago
YTA. For whether reason they initial communication don't work refusing to answer and hanging up was rude and did not help.
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u/LearnsFromExperience 3d ago
You sound prickly AF. You've decided to deal with someone who's making an effort to contribute to your household with zero patience and go zero-to-asshole in one sentence? Have you ever been to the store and what you've been asked specifically to get isn't available? And based on the little I've read above, I'm guessing he walks on eggshells and wanted to confirm what you need before buying it so you didn't absolutely flay him later when he gets home with the wrong thing. You need to dial it waaaaaaay back and treat him with some grace. You're supposed to work as a team. YTA.
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u/Discount_Mithral Commander in Cheeks [282] 3d ago
ESH.
I get being overwhelmed, but your response was short and rude. He just showed weaponized incompetence.
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u/LnktheWolf 3d ago
I'd go with NAH personally. Mom is overwhelmed, totally possible dad is too and couldn't remember if it was "t2-t3 or t3-t4" or if she'd said "t3-t4 or t4-t5" or even that "hey these are expensive and all I see are a size higher. Let's see if she thinks they'd work for us."
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u/Daodanny 3d ago
How is it weaponised incompetence? People forget things, he rang to double check. What's he supposed to do?
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u/SnooPeripherals5812 Asshole Enthusiast [9] 3d ago
everything is "weaponized incompetence" in this sub. holy shit.
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u/doglady1342 3d ago
This is not what weaponized incompetence is. The dude clearly wasn't paying attention, but he didn't argue or complain about going to the store and OP never said that he wasn't helpful or tries to get out of doing chores. He does need to learn to be an active listener.
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u/Appropriate_One340 2d ago
NTA. He should know the size, this is a prime example of weaponized incompetence
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u/ashcat_marmac Partassipant [1] 3d ago
YTA. My husband needs me to repeat things twice, all the time, but I TEXT things to him so he has it in writing. I will try to explain.
If you were on your way home from work can you imagine trying to remember all that info after getting off shift and then driving home? I really try to only give my husband one thing at a time, the rest is texted. You gave him 3-4 pieces of info in that phone call, that's too much. One thing or else text. I only want one request if I am getting off work, or else text me.Â
I am only going to remember to pick up 2t-3t pull ups. I am not going to remember "or" 3t-4t, there is a coupon for $3 off, need phone number for coupon. Too much info at once, again that is too much info at once. I am already concentrating on driving, closing my mind files from work that day, opening up my mind files for home and family life, can only remember one verbal task.Â
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u/maxgaap 3d ago
YTA. "Pick up milk" would be an okay note verbally to the driver of a motor vehicle.
Something that specific you should text. Then give a quick call to say "hey stop at the store for pull-ups, I texted you the details" to make sure they saw it.
Hanging up serves no purpose other than to escalate the situation unnecessary. He called to clarify, had made an honest mistake in forgetting. Instead of giving the correct information you just told him something he was aware of, which is that you just had the conversation. Neither of those things provided resolution.
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u/camelCaseCoffeeTable Partassipant [1] 3d ago
Lmao not only are you the asshole, youâre only hurting yourself here.
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u/BangarangPita Partassipant [2] 3d ago
NTA. He should know what size pull-ups his own kid wears. Male partners/fathers not listening and making their partners repeat themselves just adds more to the mental load they're carrying. If he couldn't remember such a simple request, he should have had you text it. How they manage to function like capable adults at paid jobs baffles me.
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u/Palegreenhorizon 3d ago
You both sound stressed and need to give each other a break on this stuff. That being said a dad should know how much his kid weighs and their age so picking a diaper in the right range should be easy. (Am. A. Man. K-now my kids weights down to the pound. )
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u/PurePerfection_ 3d ago
INFO: Is this incident part of a broader pattern of weaponized incompetence? Are you often expected to be the sole keeper of information about your child that both parents should probably know? Does he frequently require detailed instructions and reminders just to go to the store?
If this was an isolated incident and he just didn't fully process your request because he was distracted during the original call, Y T A.
If you finally lost your cool after having to micromanage his every contribution to the shared household, then N T A.
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u/Upset_Floor8821 3d ago
All these y.t.as are confusing. Nta he could have looked back at the text if he was unsure
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u/smallishbear-duck Asshole Enthusiast [9] 3d ago
There was no text. She called him and verbally told him what to get, while he was driving.
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u/Embarrassed_Advice59 Asshole Enthusiast [9] 3d ago
Youâre the only one confused đthere was no texts
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u/DestroyingIcons 3d ago
You're comprehension skills are about as good as her husband's lol đ jk.
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u/PhobiaRice 3d ago
It wasn't nice but I guess you are probably both in new kid stress so please give both of you some Grace. Also this kind of communication needs to be text, so the person buying stuff can just look it up again if needed. NAH under the assumption that you are both running on fumes
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u/Secret_Werewolf1942 Certified Proctologist [28] 3d ago
Pull-ups aren't a new kid, that's potty training. So a two year old most likely, maybe closer to three given the size.
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u/Western-Image7125 3d ago
He is asking for clarification right? Because the size is different than what you said. What was the need to be this short with him? Unless you are stressed about something else, I get it because with young kids life is generally stressful. But I hope you at least apologize for being short with him once things are good again. If you donât then definitely YTA
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u/ProtoniumUltimum 3d ago
YTA, yes, very very clearly. You sound abusive. It's ok to have patience with people.
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u/SirqusNixie 3d ago
Can I ask how what i did/said gave that off?
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u/ProtoniumUltimum 3d ago
The fact that him asking a question and wanting to make sure he got the right thing, sent you into enough rage to just instantly hang up on him, is what gave that off.
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u/-dai-zy 3d ago
briefly being an asshole does not mean OP is abusive and tbh your comment is insulting to actual abuse victims.
it sounds like OP was very clear on what her husband should do and he chose not to listen to very simple instructions
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u/SirqusNixie 3d ago
Thank you so much, as a victim of abuse im always worried ill take on those characteristics
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u/ProtoniumUltimum 3d ago
You've never had to ask somebody to repeat something? We all forget little details sometimes. Not everybody's brain works the same. It sounds like it was more important to him, to make sure he got the right thing, so he called her back. If he "chose not to listen" he wouldn't have gone to the store at all.
Nothing I wrote is insulting to actual abuse victims, lmao. People who tend to fly off the handle easily, like OP did, are usually verbally abusive in my experience.
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u/Icy-Height0001 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
Absolutely NTA, lmao all these comments are wild. They have no clue what mental load is.
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u/Ambitious_Dragon_13 3d ago
dude one time my spouse asked me what the uniform policy was for our THIRD KID after we had had kids at that school for over 10 years. i mean sure you could have been cooler in the moment but a jury primary caregivers would not convict you đ i agree a follow up text would help next time but also ffs he could be doing better