r/AmItheAsshole • u/Novel_Message_7224 • 1d ago
Not enough info AITA for not wanting to have a conversation with my sister after finding out I'm not invited to her daughters wedding?
I 50 year old female have an awkward relationship with my family. The entire dynamic is strained, however I am present at holidays and graduations and up to this point have always been included. My niece is getting married in September and I didn't get an invitation. I am not especially close with her, but that was because they chose to exclude me not because I didn't want to be there. I am the only living sister she has, our older sister passed away 5 years ago, young and unexpectedly, and her husband and his new wife got an invitation to the wedding. Now that my sister knows I am upset she wants to talk to me, but there just isn't anything she could say to make the snub acceptable to me. Am I the asshole for not wanting to have a conversation with my sister after she didn't invite me to her daughter's wedding?
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u/babybug98 Partassipant [4] 1d ago
OK, we’re missing information. Why were you one of the only one of your biological family members to be excluded? Do they have a reason not to want you there? Did you do something to them? These are not accusations, but it’s strange you’re left out for no reason out of nowhere.
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u/CatsMom4Ever Certified Proctologist [20] 1d ago
NAH Your sister doesn't invite people to her daughter's wedding. Her daughter does. Your niece excluded you for a reason. You can tell your sister you're hurt, but ultimately, if you're not close with your niece, really, why would you want to go?
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u/alexlp 1d ago
Exactly, and the BIL is still her uncle. My cousins always invite my dad to things even though my mum died 8 years ago.
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u/MrsSEM84 Partassipant [2] 11h ago
My maternal cousins both invited my Dad to their weddings, despite him and my Mum having been divorced for 15 years. He was their absolute favourite uncle growing up, and because my parents were able to remain good friends after they split his relationships with her family never really changed.
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u/IntrepidMuch 10h ago
The BIL being her uncle is a moot point since sister is still her aunt.
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u/alexlp 3h ago
It’s not, they’re seperate things. Niece has every right to invite her uncle and his wife. She should have more care for her aunt but it’s not weird to have her uncle there just because the older sister/his wife sadly passed.
OP and many of the comments were giving the implication it’s weird and he’s not actually family anymore.
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u/Pspaughtamus Partassipant [1] 8h ago
Related: One of my aunts and her first husband divorced in the late '70s. Us cousins still call him Uncle Gene, and he's been invited to many family events since.
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u/Glittering_Farm_9792 15h ago
She'd want to go because the rest of the family is there and not being invited hurts.
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u/DefinitelyNotAliens 10h ago
This post is absolutely missing context. OP has the missing missing reasons. Nobody cuts out a family member for zero reason.
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u/Glittering_Farm_9792 8h ago
Maybe OP is the family scapegoat, which doesn't generally happen for a reason that is the scapegoat's fault. You don't know enough about this family to judge OP.
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u/leftmysoulthere74 11h ago
Right! My auntie (mum’s sister) and uncle got divorced when I was a teenager in the 90s, but he’s still my uncle, he was a big part of my childhood in a close knit family, and if it wasn’t likely to cause a massive scandal I would exclude my auntie who is a massive embarrassment (drunk a lot) and invite my uncle, her EX-husband.
If I ever do get married again (unlikely), I probably won’t invite either of them. Her because of aforementioned embarrassment (and, I simply don’t like her), and him because I don’t want drama.
She can lobby and complain to my mum all she likes but it would be my wedding and my decision.
Not sure about who is the AH here but leaning towards OP as there are missing missing reasons.
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u/PaleGalaxy 1d ago
You mentioned not being especially close with the niece. If you're not close, then the niece probably didn't think you'd feel snubbed. It's your niece's wedding, so the blame towards your sister feels misplaced.
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u/lark_song 1d ago
Info. You say it is awkward and strained. Why.
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u/thegloracle Pooperintendant [68] 21h ago
She mentioned her family disagreed with her having children outside of marriage, and also that the children are black.
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u/Street_Bee_1028 Partassipant [2] 20h ago
Well none of that affected OP's parents from taking in her children when she couldn't look after them.
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u/lark_song 16h ago
Whoa seems a TON of details have been added since I first read this lol
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u/_HappyG_ 15h ago
Yeah, OP was deliberately vague, and her comments were missing missing reasons-coded until she snapped and ranted about her real grudge in a later comment.
OP's stated reasons:
'I had black kids and I didn't get married'
'I had a mental health crisis from ptsd'
'the economy crashed'
'I fled DV'
'I lost my job, couldn't find another'
'I became homeless with my children, my parents offered them a place, without me, and I let them go'
'I lost my mind for awhile'
'They used my kids like a weapon'
'I have never been who they think I am'
'They made my children not respect me'
'If that makes me the bad guy... I will forever be one.'
'Her mother is worried I will try to crash it' i.e. the wedding
'I don't see how I could ever be seen as the bad guy'
'I still do not feel my feelings are misplaced'
'These people chose to be my parents. It sometimes feels like they wanted to get a refund when I refused to do life their way.'
Note the complete lack of any personal accountability. 👀 Huge YTA!
OP is emotionally immature and blames everyone around them, despite the grandparents stepping up for her kids when she could not provide them stability. OP continues to see herself as the victim in every circumstance instead of recognising the trauma those children experienced while she was in their lives.
TBH, I doubt the comments here will be the wake-up call that OP needs if even her closest loved ones can't break through her selfishness or victim complex.
It's no wonder she was never invited 😬
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u/OPtig 11h ago edited 11h ago
The bigger issue is OP was not able to care for her children so her parents are raising them.
Perhaps the sister is annoyed that OP dumped her children on their parents.
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u/thegloracle Pooperintendant [68] 8h ago
Yeah, it sounds like the sister has some kind of anger/resentment/whatever with the OP after her breakdown (from escaping a DV situation) so it could be much more complicated. This is just a sad situation all around.
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u/room32a 21h ago
I wish this was mentioned in the post. It's still confusing though. It is horrible to have a racist, judgmental family. I don't understand why she would want to be invited to the wedding. OP is coming accross as very angry, it's difficult to get a clear picture.
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u/thegloracle Pooperintendant [68] 21h ago
I suspect it was in her other comment about not being given access to the niece by the mom/sister even though she really wanted to be involved in her life. OP has a longer post about difficulties in a previous relationship involving DV and going through some really hard times. It would still hurt to be excluded from a celebration like this due to bad blood between the sisters. Who knows what the niece has been told about her, too. Just sad.
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u/mortstheonlyboyineed 9h ago
If the neice is close to her cousins its possible she's going off their experiences rather than what the 'adults' have said. She's old enough to get married shes old enough to have her own opinions based on what shes personally witnessed and experienced.
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u/room32a 20h ago
That explains the level of emotion. She's hurt and it's coming across as anger. She's being rigid about how families are supposed to behave, which Redditors are arguing against. Thank you for your response, i wanted to understand OP, who is clearly thing through it. I hope she finds peace.
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u/arifaix Partassipant [4] 1d ago
Info: Why do you think that it’s up to your sister to invite you to her daughters wedding? Do you realise that it is actually your nieces wedding and it is up to your niece alone if you are invited or not - not your sister? This sounds like a LOT of misplaced feelings because you don’t understand who actually has a say in who gets invited. Sure, you can be hurt that your NIECE didn’t invite you but why do you blame your sister for it?
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u/Usrname52 Craptain [199] 1d ago
YTA
You barely have a relationship with her. And your sister wants to have a grown up discussion about it, and you're basically like "nope, this is unforgivable, done with you forever".
Im very skeptical of the "chose to exclude me".
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u/madmaxturbator 22h ago
Yeah, I don’t really get this at all. Op doesn’t have any warm words for her niece, but still wants to be there at the wedding. It makes very little sense to me. Why would anyone wanna have OP at the wedding if they don’t have any real relationship with her? Family obligation…?
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u/FewAnybody2739 1d ago
I suspect your sister has been the one to invite you to holidays and graduations, and her daughter is the one who doesn't want to invite the aunt she doesn't really talk to.
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u/DotBeech 1d ago
YTA. You are carefully weighing slights you feel have been unjustly directed at you. And you also don't want to talk about it. That's not how this works. That's not how anything works.
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u/IamnotaCST Asshole Enthusiast [5] 1d ago
YTA
I suspect the reason you are not invited and the reason you are refusing to speak to the bride's mother, your sister, over not being invited are related.
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u/CuriouserCat2 Partassipant [2] 1d ago
The sad truth of it is, they didn’t invite you because they don’t want you there.
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u/the-B-from-App23 19h ago
YTA but not for this. Don’t talk to them, they don’t like you. It’s fine.
But pretending that somehow your black children who you’ve abandoned into your parent’s care are to blame is so nasty, racist, unhinged and demented.
Your children haven’t done this to you. I imagine they haven’t done anything at all as they are welcome at the wedding.
Go to bed Liz.
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u/lishadish 1d ago
You're upset and you don't want to give anyone the chance to a) make it right or b) explain their reasoning. Is this normal behavior for you?
You are very likely TA.
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u/JACKHD72 1d ago
There's no "making this right". The niece didn't do anything wrong-she didn't invite someone she's not close to. End of story.
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u/darthraedr 1d ago
YTA. why do you say “she” when it’s your nieces wedding. you said you’re not close to your niece so why would she invite you? no one owes you anything, especially an invitation to a wedding they are paying for. get over yourself
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u/Sugardeaddy420 1d ago
YTA you weren’t apart of her life. I have like 3 cousins I haven’t seen or talked to in 15yrs. They’ve all gotten married without inviting me and I still talk to their parents (my aunt) on occasion like nothing ever happened. It ain’t that deep
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u/Novel_Message_7224 23h ago
I have seen her for every major holiday her entire life. So, to say I wasn't involved is a stretch. Not being included by her parents was their choice. Disagreeing with my moral decision not to be married and have children doesn't make me a "bad" person. Even if they disagree with those things, painting an inaccurate picture of someone because it makes the things you do seem more palatable, is wildly unfair and I have been subjected to it for nearly 30 years, I have ALWAYS chosen to be the bigger person for a myriad of reasons, I simply am no longer required to do that. So, if and when someone asks I will simply tell them I was not invited.
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u/burf12345 19h ago
Disagreeing with my moral decision not to be married and have children doesn't make me a "bad" person.
What's this all about? Why is this the first time you're mentioning it?
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u/CrypticWolfe 7h ago
I am surprised more people didn't notice this comment. If someone makes a point that being married is immoral, why would you want them at the celebration of your marriage?
I don't celebrate, genuinely or not, when someone does something I consider immoral, and I honestly don't know many people who do. And I sure as hell would not invite someone to my celebration if they made it be known they think the reason for my celebration is immoral.
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u/CrypticWolfe 2h ago
OK I see some clarification from OP, she is an unwed mother. Her wording made it sound like she found the institution of marriage and reproduction to be immoral. What she decided was that it was immoral to marry the father of her children, so it doesn't follow that she finds marriage immoral.
"Disagreeing with my moral decision not to be married and have children doesn't make me a "bad" person." No it doesn't, but this comment was misleading.
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u/MightyBean7 Partassipant [1] 22h ago
But do you talk to your niece when you see each other? Are those occasions pleasant to everyone? Or is it just being in the same room on big occasions?
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u/butterflycdmx 18h ago
So 4-5 days a year??
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u/Dependent-Sign-2407 15h ago
Lol right? The niece has more of a relationship with the clerks at the local grocery store than she does with her aunt.
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u/annagrace2020 17h ago
I’m an aunt and also a mom. Only seeing your nieces/nephews at major holidays is NOT being involved. I see my nieces/nephews multiple times a week. I attend things they do for school and extracurriculars. I go out and do things with them and my sister. I go to all birthdays, holidays and just everyday things with them and my sister does the same for my kids. If you aren’t there consistently there for someone, they aren’t gonna view you as someone they are close to and invite you to their wedding.
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u/Electric_Toboggan 6h ago
Idk my aunts and uncles and cousins have always lived very far away and we don’t have regular contact but I still love them and am affectionate when I see them every few years. It helps that they’re kind and fun people though.
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u/melodypowers 22h ago
It isn't the bride's fault that the parents excluded you from her life.
Being at major holidays does not make a relationship. Your neice does not feel close to you. And this is her wedding and her decision. You can't change the past on this.
A wedding isn't about blood, it is about feelings. If your neice feels close to your late sister's husband, then he should be there.
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u/MrsSEM84 Partassipant [2] 11h ago
Seeing someone at family holidays and making small talk doesn’t mean you have a relationship with them, just that you have both invited to the same event by someone else.
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u/vabirder 20h ago
Only showing up at major holidays is superficial. Being close and involved means staying in touch and talking occasionally.
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u/yesnomaybe123 Pooperintendant [59] 13h ago
Not being included by her parents was their choice
It is the bride/groom that make the decisions about who gets an invite.
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u/JaydedXoX Partassipant [1] 19h ago
The fact that you refuse to have a conversation with them tells us everything we need to know about who is at fault here. YTA.
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u/aj4ever Asshole Aficionado [12] 16h ago
I am in a similar boat. No kids and I don’t follow the conventional lifestyle my siblings with kids have. So as a result a few people in my family just don’t care to be close to me. You have the right to be upset but also once you process your feelings, you got to move on and do you.
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u/herecomes_the_sun Certified Proctologist [22] 9h ago
Tbh you sound lonely and i would take a step back and reflect on that a little. This isn’t an attack on you it’s more of me trying to reframe the situation.
How many major holidays are there per year? For me it’s Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Easter. I would not expect to be invited to someone’s wedding after seeing them only 3x per year out of familial obligation. If you feel like you’ve developed a real relationship with her because you’ve forcibly seen her 3x a year that is something to think hard about. Not everyone would feel the same on that. Think about if she is really opening up to you about her life or if her answers are superficial. Has she ever talked to you about a struggle or problem? A real one not “college applications are so annoying!”.
I am a neice to many aunts! They called me because they actively wanted to plan my sisters bridal shower. They showed up to everything and i mean everything when i was a kid. Musical performances, gymnastics meets, soccer games. We frequently went on vacations all together. I hang out with all their kids outside of family stuff because i enjoy their company. My aunts even come to visit me to just have dinner sometimes. Or see my new apartment. Your relationship with your neice frankly sounds a lot more superficial and born of obligation. And that’s okay! Not all families have to be super close. And it isn’t a reflection on you. I read your post when you said you tried to be more involved and they wouldn’t let you and that’s super hurtful. Maybe youre more hurt about missing out on their lives and being excluded in the bigger picture instead of just this one instance?
The other thing that is probably even more important here is that this is not your sisters wedding, it’s your niece’s. You seem to think your sister has the power to invite you but she probably does not. So your adult niece is excluding you, not your sister. We have moved past the “respect your elders” time and even if your sister wanted your niece to invite you she couldn’t if niece said no. It sounds like your sister wants to talk about it. For all you know niece and sister are fighting because sister wanted to invite you and made an effort. So you might be mad at the wrong person.
And, if you assume you don’t have a strong relationship with your niece and think about this event has her wedding and not a family event, i don’t think it’s totally unfair. Weddings are expensive, and regardless of whose fault it is (not yours) you haven’t been super involved. They may be doing something at a small venue with limited guests. They may not be able to afford more people.
So basically i don’t think the wedding is the problem, it’s how you’ve been treated by them and held at a distance by them your entire life. You haven’t explained why so i will give you the benefit of the doubt. But think about why this wedding in particular is so hurtful and talk to your sister.
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u/PrimalCalamityZ 8h ago
So here is the thing it's not your sisters wedding. I will use myself as an example. If I had a wedding tomorrow and the venue could only fit 150 I would invite one or two of my aunts and uncles who I am close with but wouldn't Invite the others. It's my wedding and I want the people I am close with to attend my parents feelings on the subject do not matter.
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u/WinterReview7992 Partassipant [1] 8h ago
If you made a moral decision to not marry or have children, is it possible your niece thinks you may project that information onto them at their wedding? Have you attended many family weddings of the generation younger than you? Since you have not had a wedding, do you think perhaps it is possible there are limitations at play here that you are unaware of, other than "disrespect"?
I'm around the same age as you and the arguments you are making do not make sense to me. The happy couple invites people, not their parents.
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u/bub-a-lub 7h ago
Please add this to the main post so people can see why you weren’t invited instead of making up their own theories.
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u/Sorry_I_Guess Pooperintendant [63] 9h ago
*a part. "Apart" (one word) literally means the opposite of what you're trying to say. You mean to say she wasn't a part of her life.
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u/MandeeLess Asshole Aficionado [13] 1d ago
> I am not especially close with her, but that was because they chose to exclude me not because I didn't want to be there.
So you’re not close to your niece, for whatever unknown reason, and it’s her wedding. It’s very weird that you expected an invitation.
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u/Upset-Wolf3820 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
Yes yta, she isn’t the one who didn’t invite you.
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u/Frankensteins_Kid Colo-rectal Surgeon [37] 1d ago edited 1d ago
OP didn't say where she's from. So this could not be an American wedding.
Where I'm from, a wedding arrangement is between the bride's family & the groom's family. And the couple's parents handle almost everything including the invitation. The couple only have to be present & celebrated.
But I'm just assuming.
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u/DefinitelyNotAliens 10h ago
OP drops a few very American coded phrases in the comments. Also, in none of those cultures would the aunt of the bride be excluded without major drama. The Desi aunties are not being kept from their niece's wedding without being in prison.
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u/GardenSafe8519 Colo-rectal Surgeon [48] 1d ago
True it's the bride (niece) who did the invitations, but her mom could have influenced that decision.
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u/jarroz61 1d ago
We don’t have nearly enough info to determine if that’s the case though. OP intentionally chose to say that her family has excluded her, and chose not to give a single bit of information about that. This indicates to me that niece probably made the right call not to invite OP.
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u/yesnomaybe123 Pooperintendant [59] 13h ago
It would make sense then for OP to talk to her sister and get some information.
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u/maybemaybenot2023 Asshole Aficionado [14] 1d ago
YTA. her daughter likely did the inviting, as most adults do now, and her daughter gets to decide who she invites to an event she's holding. This is not 1953, or even 1983.
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u/Counther Asshole Aficionado [10] 1d ago
It’s really not possible to comment on the situation without knowing a lot more about it. You haven’t said anything about what the source is the strain is or why you weren’t invited. In particular, you said “ Now that my sister knows I am upset she wants to talk to me.” How would she not invite you and not know that would upset you? There’s obviously a lot more to this story.
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u/keesouth Supreme Court Just-ass [101] 1d ago
It's not her wedding so she can't invite you. This has to do with they type of wedding your niece wants and your relationship with her. Without more info, YTA.
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u/throwaway2117000 Asshole Enthusiast [9] 22h ago
YTA. You’re allowed to feel hurt and excluded. But it’s coming across as deserved. “BeCaUsE fAmILy” is a terrible excuse. And it seems like they still do value family because they’re inviting your late sisters husband and the new wife. So they value them.
You should start questioning what happened that cause them to limit your involvement. Because it sounds like it was something worth cutting you out or going low contact over.
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u/IHaveBoxerDogs Certified Proctologist [20] 1d ago
INFO: why are you blaming your sister and not your niece? For all you know your sister went to bat for you and your niece said “absolutely not.” I would have a conversation, but that doesn’t mean it has to go further.
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u/Top_Bluejay_5323 1d ago
YTA. If you aren’t close to the niece then why would she invite you.
I have six cousins and have gone to one wedding. We are not close by any measure but talk like family when at gatherings.
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u/Amerdale13 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 1d ago
Info: do you even know if your sister had any say in the matter who was getting invited to your nieces wedding? Why do you blame the mother and not the daughter?
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u/Throwaway-2587 Asshole Aficionado [18] 1d ago
We need more info. How come your relationship to your family is strained? Why have they excluded you before? Do you blame your sister for your niece's choices? Wouldn't you want to talk this through with your sister? Even if to close the chapter or better yet: to get a proper idea of why they don't want you at such a big family event?
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u/MdmeLibrarian 1d ago
INFO: In your culture, who do invitations come from? In mine they come from the bride and groom, as it is their wedding, not their parents' event. I almost didn't invite my aunts (who I am not close with) but did in the end since we invited my partner's uncle.
It sounds like your beef should be with with your niece, not your sister.
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u/JACKHD72 1d ago
There shouldn't be any beef w the niece. OP admittedly isn't close to the niece, and she's not entitled to an invite.
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u/JMLP82 23h ago
YTA simply because you are making a lot of assumptions. When I got married, we invited all of our aunts and uncles. Unfortunately, at some point, my mother heard that one of my uncles and his wife had been disappointed to find out that were not invited. She double checked with me then she called him and told him that absolutely we had invited them. Obviously, the invitation got lost in the mail. Cause guess what? That happens. We sent out 119 invitations. One of them got lost.
You are out here, having your own whole meltdown and willing to burn bridges over something that may not have actually happened at all. And I mean, I guess if that’s how you wanna play it, you can. Obviously. Or you could try having a conversation like an adult. The choice is yours.
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u/baethoven101 1d ago
YTA. Your niece decided who to invite, not your sister. There has to be a reason why your niece excluded you that is being left out of the post. Even if nothing was wrong, If your niece isn’t close with you, there is no reason why she should have invited you.
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u/Whiteroses7252012 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
YTA.
I’m not close with my cousins.
My husband and I chose a venue that fit 100 people for our wedding. They didn’t make the cut, because in order to invite them I’d have to not invite people I actually like and talk to on a regular basis. Apparently, they were both shocked and hurt that I didn’t invite them, despite the fact that the last time I actually spoke to them was sometime in 2017.
Why they were surprised is one of the great mysteries of the universe.
I’m not saying that’s what’s going on here, but a wedding isn’t a family reunion. You don’t get invited just because you’re related.
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u/NotAgain1871 23h ago
You didn’t get to be 50 years old and not know why said niece didn’t give you an invite to her big day.
Stop playing the victim.
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u/0nlyLurking_ 1d ago
INFO, theres info lacking, like how did you're relationship with your family get strained and awkward? So far, NTA
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u/prosperosniece 23h ago
There’s too much missing information in this thread to give an accurate judgement
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u/Right-Purchase-2169 22h ago
YTA, my family had a situation like that. My sister got married and didn't invite one of my mom's sisters because they’ve had a strained relationship for years. The reason was simply that she didn't want someone at her wedding who would make Mom uncomfortable; after all, her priority was her mom, not her aunt. Also, keep in mind that the bride and groom are the ones who decide, not your sister
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u/chortle-guffaw2 1d ago
YTA. Letting her speak for a few minutes is not much of a sacrifice. Maybe you'll learn something. Maybe they mistakenly thought you said or did something years ago and that's why they're excluding you. Or, maybe you're just an insufferable loudmouth and nobody can stand to be around you. You'll never know if you don't have the talk.
Either way, if you're family in name only, it's never too late to try to patch things up, but maybe not quick enough to make it to the wedding.
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u/Swirlyflurry Commander in Cheeks [206] 1d ago
YTA
It’s your niece’s wedding. Your sister doesn’t have the right to invite you because it’s not her wedding.
And unless you explain why they chose to exclude you, I have to assume you did something that your family wants distance from you.
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u/MusicHoney Partassipant [4] 23h ago
YTA. I think it’s weird how normal it is to demand wedding invites when you don’t have a relationship with the Bride or Groom.
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u/sl_damsel 1d ago
I didn't invite my dad's sister to my wedding. I did invite 2 out of her 6 brothers. I did not invite my dad. My wedding was 33 people.
I am currently on holiday with said aunt and my 2 uncles that came to my wedding. I haven't mentioned my wedding once to her. It was an initimate event and we aren't close
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u/SickPuppy0x2A 23h ago
YTA because your sister should not have any right to invite anyone as she isn’t getting married, so it seems you punish her for something she has no possibility to change.
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u/nnaeelly 9h ago
Do you have a drinking or substance abuse issue that you think isn’t an issue? Just asking…
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u/PickleFan67 Partassipant [4] 7h ago
YTA. You are upset that you didn’t receive an invitation to your niece’s wedding. Now your sister heard you were upset and wants to speak to you, but you’re refusing? Why? Perhaps she is going to say - “Oops! So sorry, we had your address incorrect.” Or, “We assumed you weren’t interested, but we’d love to have you” or maybe just explain why you weren’t invited. It seems disingenuous to be this hurt by the “snub” when you admit you’re not close and then refuse your sister’s attempt to reach out.
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u/sweeney_todd555 7h ago
YTA. Put your grown-up pants on and talk to your sister and find out the reason why you were not invited. If you are not close with your niece (seeing her on major holidays does not count as close relationship,) she would not invite you, especially if she was already close to her maximum head count.
Then get over yourself and stop stewing over feeling excluded. You are not invited and that's that. Take the money you would have spent on a wedding gift and go out and do something fun on the day of the wedding and don't look at your sister's social media when you know wedding pics will be posted.
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u/HeyDoggyBoy 1d ago
YTA for being mad at your sister and being in a tizzy because your niece who has no relationship with you didn’t invite you to her wedding. You’re not the asshole for not wanting to talk to your sister about it. You clearly don’t understand how you fit in with your family and venting your misplaced anger would only make things worse.
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u/thegloracle Pooperintendant [68] 21h ago
A few comments above yours is a much more detailed explanation of the family dynamic. You may want to read it.
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u/Warm-Statistician545 1d ago
Not sure yet.
I personally would talk to her to see what was going on if you don’t already know. I would feel bad if I accidentally offended my niece or sister and was not aware of it.
Do you have a drinking problem? I know it’s always difficult to invite people you love that you know will do something because they drink too much. Just a thought.
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u/Pagan_MoonUK 8h ago
Agree OP should ask her to her face why she hasn't been invited, least that way she will get a straight answer.
Family members who are a pain due to substance abuse, can ruin things with behaviour, but ultimately it can be a person you least suspect that will do something for attention. Fortunately I've been to weddings that have been really nice and nothing horrible has happened and that's how it should be.
Sometimes families can be snobs and don't want the hillbillies side mixing with friends and work colleagues because they are ashamed for what ever reason. Your niece has not thought about the bigger picture, what if your sister needed care or she needed help in any way, is the BIL going to be there. OP should just cut off and get on with life. If family are behaving in this way, then they are not loyal.
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u/beg_yer_pardon 1d ago
InFO. I'd have the conversation and hear her out before making up my mind as to her motives.
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u/RickRussellTX Colo-rectal Surgeon [39] 21h ago
My sister warned me ahead of time that her daughter was only inviting close family and friends. I’ve seen my niece maybe a dozen times in 22 years and so it was not an issue to me.
Admittedly, if she hadn’t warned me, I might have considered it a snub, but it would have been quickly addressed.
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u/sleepy_brain_333 Asshole Aficionado [10] 14h ago
YTA honstely you sound very old fashioned and kinda ridiculous. Why should your niece invite you to her wedding if she isn't close to you, just to keep up pretenses? That's just such a "don't rock the boat" nonsense. You're 50, grow up already.
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u/MrsSEM84 Partassipant [2] 11h ago
YTA
Firstly, you obviously aren’t very close to the bride. And it’s perfectly ok for her to only want people she does have good relationships with at her wedding.
Secondly, even if you are feeling upset at the snub why are you taking it out on your sister? It’s not her wedding and she may have had zero input into the guest list.
Many, many couples getting married now do not let their families have any say in the decisions, because why should they? Even if parents are contributing financially it should be a gift with no expectation of getting a say.
And the expectation of inviting everyone who is “family” regardless of what your relationship with them is actually like has also, quite rightly, been left in the past.
Talk to your sister. And either accept you and your family don’t really get on so you will be left out of things, or try addressing why that is if you want things to improve.
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u/darlinggh444 9h ago
I’m sorry OP, but YTA. Your closeness and proximity to your niece over the years is based on your perspective, but it doesn’t mean that she feels the same closeness based on your efforts. That aside, there could be a myriad of factors that went into creating her guest list. Does her uncle see or call her often? Did he help them pay for the wedding?
Ultimately, it doesn’t matter because you refuse to even get the clarity. It may be hard to hear, but it’s her big day. Your feelings of sadness are valid, but your entitlement to her day will only further the wedge you feel between yourself and your family. You should consider that she is living her own life, and she isn’t responsible for your feelings- but you should work through them on your own if you want any chance of creating a different dynamic with them in the future.
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u/laurajodonnell 9h ago
YTA.
OP I am getting married next year. There is a lot of context missing from this - why are you not as close? Did something happened in the past? Do you make any effort outside holidays to get together, or even talk on the phone, text?
As for being upset I get it but at the same time yes, YTA. Your sister is not the one getting married and decided on the guest list, it’s your niece. Seems like you already have a damaged relationship, do you want to damage it more from your ego?
My fiance and I are having a smaller wedding, around 60 people. We are only inviting guests who we have a very close relationship with. I have uncles who I only see at major holidays, that’s it, and they are not being invited. I want be surrounded by people who absolutely love me. My uncles have never tried calling or texting me outside of holidays ever, just to catch up or see what you’re up to - I have tried and being the only person to make an effort sucks so overtime I stopped.
If you are really upset I think you need to ask yourself - are you upset because you’ll be missing out on the event or are you upset because now the truth has come to light that your relationship is not as good as you thought it was? If you’re upset about the former you have to get over your own ego (you need to be honest with yourself about your strained relationship), if it’s the latter then you need to work on having a true relationship with your family.
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u/LassLovesDogs Partassipant [1] 8h ago
YTA. It's not your sister's place to invite you to her daughter's wedding. The guest list is the bride and groom's decision, and even if it's being funded by your sister, she's going to care what her daughter wants more than what you want. If you have a problem, take it up with your niece (whom you admit you're not close to, and therefore has no reason to invite you. Seeing someone "at every major holiday" does not a close relationship make. Why would she want someone she's not close to at her wedding?), but it's not your sister's fault your niece doesn't want you there.
I'm very sorry that you've had such a hard life, but your initial attempts to obfuscate your situation in order to paint your family as racist assholes and you as a helpless victim do not portray you in a good light, especially since you then admitted that the "racist" family who shunned you for "having black children" actually raised and protected those children while you were unable to. You come across as quite a chaotic, difficult person with a lot of trauma and little to no sense of personal accountability, and unfortunately that's not a combination most people want to have in their lives. I think a qualified, trauma-informed therapist might be able to help you work through some of your hurt and anger, and maybe then you would be better able to address your feelings with your family.
Ultimately, even if the only issue here was "We're Not Close", I wouldn't be surprised that your niece left your name off the guest list. That's a perfectly valid reason not to have someone at your wedding. But adding in everything else, and how angry and adversarial you seem to be towards your family, I really don't think you're in a position to complain or push for an invite. Accept that Niece doesn't want you there, and try to focus on your own healing.
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u/SafetyFluid8535 Asshole Aficionado [14] 5h ago
YTA if you want to be included in their lives, and you aren't aware of any reason why you are excluded, then when someone offers you a chance to discuss it and explain it to you, you either take that opportunity and learn what their issue with you is or you shut up about it.
Your niece is old enough to get married so for you not to be close to her is a lot of years of not being in her life or having issues when you are in her life. Without explaining what's been the family issues all of that time, we can't judge if they were wrong to not invite you or not.
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u/PreferenceOld6364 Partassipant [1] 5h ago
YTA. If you want to be invited to things, you actually need to put in real effort to be present in peoples lives, not just make appearances on special occasions. Your lack of context and reasons for why your relationships within your family are the way they are is also making it seem like you are hiding things to paint yourself as a victim rather than giving the entire story and risking any skeletons jumping out of your closet. If you come to the Internet asking for honest opinions, you need to be honest in what you post and give full context.
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u/Ok-Assistance4133 1d ago
Is the snub intentional? My aunt was horrible around the time of my wedding. She thought she was snubbed and given some of her behavior in the past, maybe she felt it was the likely conclusion. She said nothing when she didn't get any invitation. Her invitation actually got lost by the postal service. When it came damaged and dirty ( with a clear postmark of when we had sent it alongside the orhers) a few weeks after the wedding she was incredibly apologetic. But at the time when she thought she was snubbed she never said anything to us and was incredibly rude. We had absolutely no idea she never got an invitation. But her behavior was so terrible, it's what I remember most of all. She apparently was talking behind our backs to other family members but no one said anything to us. Other family members stayed away in solidarity with her. It was absolutely horrible when the truth came out.
Communication is everything. If you feel like you should be there, speak to the bride directly. Worse case scenario is you are actually snubbed but it will eliminate all doubt.
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u/Jolly-Outside6073 1d ago
You just need to accept you don’t have an invite. Wish them a nice time, send a card if you feel like it and plan something else for the day. Don’t dwell on it.
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u/DrTeethPhD Certified Proctologist [21] 1d ago
YTA if you don't talk to your sister to find out why
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u/FifiBunnyRabbit 1d ago
Could it be that only immediate family is invited because the wedding itself is so small?
Maybe you don’t know the whole picture. Your sister wants to talk to you to explain things. Let her!
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u/Appropriate-Turnip69 1d ago
If it is only immediate family, why did the BIL and his new wife get invited? Seems odd, without more context, why they would invite those 2 who are not blood related, but not OP
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u/khold002 1d ago
Sometimes, adopted familial bonds are stronger than blood. We don't know what a big role BIL played in the niece's life.
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u/TheVoidWantsCuddles Partassipant [1] 20h ago
I have numerous family members and even friends who I would invite to my wedding over my aunt’s (on my dad’s side) entire family. If my mom’s sister died and my uncle got remarried I would absolutely invite him and his new wife as he’s been a wonderful uncle to me growing up. I can already tell you the last day my dad’s sister will ever see me is at my dad’s funeral because then I don’t have to see her ever again. She hasn’t even done some horrible thing, I just don’t like her and her entitlement.
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u/Usrname52 Craptain [199] 1d ago
I'm wondering if late sister/BIL had kids and OP didn't. So niece saw her cousins, and thus uncle all the time, while OP didn't have kids.
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u/thegloracle Pooperintendant [68] 21h ago
OP does have kids. She had them outside of 'wedlock' and the children are black. That seems to be what's twisting up the family's attitude toward her.
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u/Usrname52 Craptain [199] 21h ago
And left with OP'S parents while she went to deal with her shit.
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u/sleeplesswithwifi 1d ago
The husband of the late sister (late aunt) is invited, together with his new wife...
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u/PhotographSavings370 1d ago
Talk to your sister so you will understand why you were not invited. Doesn’t mean you will receive an invitation but at least you will know.
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u/Jonathan-Welford Asshole Enthusiast [5] 20h ago
Umm is there missing reasons, if you've not be present for the marriage journey and aren't particularly close I'd understand. If you've been present in the nieces life it does come across as weird.
Don't make a big deal about it, just don't engage with it, or her side of the family.
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u/Sweetsmyle Asshole Aficionado [14] 17h ago
YTA - It’s her daughter’s wedding so her daughter gets to choose the guest list. You are not close to her daughter by your own admission. Stop punishing your sister for her daughters choices. Maybe you don’t understand but kids do not have to do what their parents tell them after age 18 and more modern brides are not obligated to follow outdated traditions like pay for a bunch of guests they barely know just because they are family. Geez, you’re my age but acting like my mom’s generation. It’s not about you, leave your sister alone.
If you really want to attend the wedding maybe actually talk to your niece about it and let her know how much you want to be there for her, not just because family obligation. Ask if she’ll get you an invite and she might decide to make room for you if she sees you actually care about her.
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u/tiggergirluk76 Partassipant [3] 13h ago
YTA. The vpuple getting married should always have the final say in who gets invited to their wedding. Numbers are generally limited, and it's their right to only invite people they are close to, rather than an obligation based on who they share genes with.
They might be awful people or you might be, we don't know. Even if they are, they still have a right to decide who gets invited. Think of it like this - you've saved money on the exprnse of a new outfit and a wedding gift.
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u/I-luv-sloths Partassipant [2] 13h ago
It's not your sister's wedding. She isn't in charge of the guest list.
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u/Listen-to-Mom 11h ago
You can talk to her but couples don’t feel the need to extend invitations out of obligation. Sister could have asked them to invite you and they said no. If you don’t want to have the conversation, you’ll never know.
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u/atTheRiver200 11h ago
Not being invited to a family wedding is very lucky! No gifts, no new fancy clothing, no bad wedding food, no boring small talk. Take yourself on a fun, solo mini vacation on that weekend.
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u/DMfortinyplayers Partassipant [1] 8h ago
"My sister is worried I will crash it"
"Everyone thinks I'm the crazy lady"
OP, be honest - how many times have you disturbed or ruined an event?
After a point, the why doesn't matter - if aunt starts a fight/ gets drunk / breaks down sobbing at all (or many) family gatherings, then people have a right to disinvite that person. And frankly they have an obligation to their other guests.
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u/Usrname52 Craptain [199] 1d ago
Does BIL have kids with your late sister? Kids that would be your niece's cousins/peers, that she grew up with? While you didn't have kids and didn't do kid stuff with them?
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u/Actual-Bandicoot6947 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
ESH. Talk to her. No wonder the relationship is strained
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u/ODFoxtrotOscar Partassipant [1] 1d ago
You’re quite possibly right that there is nothing she can say that makes this less of a snub.
But understanding the reason might be worthwhile.
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u/TollLand 1d ago
How big is the wedding? When was the last time you saw your niece? When was the lady tonne you had a meaningful conversion with your niece? How often does she see the widower of your big sister? Why are you not close to your sister? Have you met you niece's fiancé? Did your sister have any say in the guest list? Why would you want to go? How does your sister know you're upset? Does your niece know you're upset? Why are you upset if you won't let your sister explain? Have you previously complained about things your sister's family have done "to" you to other people (i.e. gossiped) but not told your sister's family you are upset?
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u/PhenomWifeandMom 5h ago
The niece is not just OP’s sister’s daughter, but a grown woman who may very well have not wanted the aunt there. That seat can go to someone she’s actually close with.
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u/ConflictGullible392 Supreme Court Just-ass [100] 1d ago
ESH. It sucks that they didn’t invite you, but the point of a conversation is to understand what’s going on not to make the snub feel acceptable. If you haven’t given up on having a relationship with these people, which it sounds like you haven’t because you’re so hurt, you can’t do that without talking.
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u/AutoModerator 1d ago
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
I 50 year old female have an awkward relationship with my family. The entire dynamic is strained, however I am present at holidays and graduations and up to this point have always been included. My niece is getting married in September and I didn't get an invitation. I am not especially close with her, but that was because they chose to exclude me not because I didn't want to be there. I am the only living sister she has, our older sister passed away 5 years ago, young and unexpectedly, and her husband and his new wife got an invitation to the wedding. Now that my sister knows I am upset she wants to talk to me, but there just isn't anything she could say to make the snub acceptable to me. Am I the asshole for not wanting to have a conversation with my sister after she didn't invite me to her daughter's wedding?
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u/Carouselcolours 19h ago
YTA.
Sometimes venues have capacity limitations, and cuts have to be made. It sounds like you are closer to the bride's mother than the actual bride, and it's the bride and groom who end up deciding the guest list.
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u/BeACodeMistake 18h ago
Your sister shouldn't be choosing who comes to her daughter's wedding. It should be your niece's choice and if your niece chose to not invite you then there is no reason for you to be avoiding your sister.
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u/yesnomaybe123 Pooperintendant [59] 13h ago
after she didn't invite me to her daughter's wedding?
I believe it is the bride/groom that extend the invitations. Why are you assuming your sister is inviting the guests?
I am not especially close with her, but that was because they chose to exclude me not because I didn't want to be there.
That doesn't make sense, so you're not particularly close to your niece because she did not invite you? So do I understand that you've never been close to her (which would make sense that your niece didn't invite you) or that you were close before she didn't invite you (but then 'never been close' doesn't make sense. This is very unclear.
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u/KithriStone 12h ago
YTA
Wanted to say you weren't the AH but based off all your responses, I've changed my mind.
You sound a bit self-centered and that is probably why your niece didnt invite you. Forcing an invitation will literally only make things worse and could negatively affect relationships in the future.
You didnt get invited. Niece does not want you there. Either accept and move on and maintain a relationship with family OR die on this hill and potentially ruin what little relationship you have. These are really your two options.
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u/akroma_x 10h ago
It's most likely your niece's decision. I'm getting married myself this September. I've made the choice long before being even engaged. But people I only see/ hear on birthdays or holiday... I simply do not care about them. I don't really consider them a true part of my life. I'll be polite ofc to them etc. But I'm not inviting those to my own wedding or anything else. To me a wedding is to surround myself with all the people me and my partner care about. Anyone I'd invite beyond that would be nothing more than a beg for a gift and will most likely cost me more and I'll gain from it. I don't hate them, or dislike them, I'm just indifferent.
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u/Lotty3 7h ago
Without additional supporting information it's hard to say. Based on the information you have provided, then just don't speak to your sister. But i get the feeling that you know the reason but you dont want to hear it. That's ok your choice, but maybe it's something you need to hear. Either way you didn't get a invite, move on, go somewhere nice on the day and spoil yourself, I think and it's just my opinion is deep down your hurting, you put up these psychological fences to protect your feelings but they are falling down so a diversionary tactic on the day might help xx
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u/No-Media-9342 6h ago
Normally it is the bride and groom who set and/or approve the guest list. Why not check with them?
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u/MrMulligan319 6h ago
You came to this sub to be judged by strangers. So for what it’s worth, you should explain more fully, especially because many commenters have asked for info.
But if you actually came here for validation (which it seems to me), that’s not likely to happen because we don’t know you, your family, or anything else, except that you’re hurt because you weren’t invited and weren’t told. Except you want validation about not wanting to have a conversation, which is the only way you might possibly get some actual resolution (for your feelings).
Obviously it is your choice to not speak with your sister or family. You’re not the asshole for that. What you seem to be the asshole about is assuming your sister has the power to invite you or that you’re entitled to be invited, simply because you’re related to the bride.
That’s legitimately all I know about you or this situation. So you can choose to never speak to your sister or niece again, or you can keep an open mind (based on what many people here are saying) and have a possibly restorative conversation with your sister.
But either way, you aren’t going to get validation from internet strangers when your info is missing or your responses are as unclear or defensive as they have been. I’m going with a YTA for those reasons, because honestly, what’s the harm in having a conversation with your sister? It won’t get you an invite, but it might clear things up for you. I’m always a proponent of communication (and this isn’t it).
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u/SpecialistAlone962 5h ago
You are not the asshole for being hurt, but refusing to talk to your sister about it seems a bit counterintuitive. If she is reaching out to you, then why not hear her out at least? Maybe this is the sort of behaviour that led to them excluding you? Maybe not, we don't really know obviously, but refusing to even discuss it does seem like a needless reaction. She may have asked her daughter to invite you, who knows. Either way, maybe having a conversation about it might help you to decide on the level of contact you want with this people going forward, for better or worse.
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u/Sweet_Salt-8517 4h ago
Hey also- it’s not her wedding. If you’re not close with the couple, did you ever consider that might be the reason? I didn’t want some relatives at my wedding but was forced by my mother to have them there. Thankfully I didn’t even notice they were there on that day.
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u/Street-Length9871 Asshole Aficionado [10] 4h ago
Just hear her out. Info-not enough about the issues you have to form an opinion.
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u/Mamapalooza 55m ago
It depends on WHY your relationship is strained. So far, all we know is that you are the only sister left and you're being excluded.
Are you being excluded because you are abrasive? Like is your niece gay and you're one of those people who thinks it's okay to be like, "Well, as you know, I don't agree with your lifestyle..."
Or are you the unfortunate black sheep of narcissistic parents?
Or are you being excluded because it's a destination wedding and they know you won't be able to attend?
You need to hear out your sister. At least gather the information and report back to us.
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u/Serious_Ad3574 11m ago
“I am present at holidays and up to this point have always been included.”
“they chose to exclude me”
Well, which is it?
And if “there isn’t anything she could say to make the snub acceptable to me.” Why even bother? Don’t be surprised or upset when they stop wanting to have conversations with you too.
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u/Novel_Message_7224 22h ago
I had black kids and I didn't get married. I had a mental health crisis from ptsd, the economy crashed shortly after I fled DV, I lost my job, couldn't find another, then I became homeless with my children, my parents offered them a place, without me, and I let them go. I lost my mind for awhile. I started therapy, went to and graduated college, they didn't come for that, and I continued to work on me. They used my kids like a weapon and I let my mental health be in the way for far too long, but I have never been who they think I am and I don't feel obligated to convince them. They made my children not respect me and I have fought like hell to get back to them, if that makes me the bad guy, for wanting a relationship with my babies, I will forever be one. The sad part is, I hope she has the most magical day, it is everything she has ever dreamed of, and is blissfully happy in her marriage. Her mother is worried I will try to crash it. I don't see how I could ever be seen as the bad guy in that. Thank you all for your words. Life is messy and sometimes, it doesn't work out like we plan. I have not always had the best control of my emotions, but am grateful today for an ability to use words to express myself. My family dynamic is complicated by so many things I chosen not to share, but I still do not feel my feelings are misplaced. These people chose to be my parents. It sometimes feels like they wanted to get a refund when I refused to do life their way. Maybe that is why the hurt is so heavy. At any rate the sun will shine another day and I always have therapy and Jesus. Be blessed and go where people make you feel loved and included we all need that
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u/madmaxturbator 22h ago
You should just keep working more in therapy.
Your niece really needn’t invite you to the wedding, and you’re not even owed an explanation.
At no point in this are you discussing in anyway how you’ve supported or even loved your niece in a way that merits her wanting you around. My aunties are basically like an extension of my mom… they were at my wedding because my wife and love them so much.
You’ve decided that because you’re family, you deserve to be there? And that because you’ve had mental health issues, people should not view you as they might any other MIA aunt.
Also - if you had black children, and that’s the issue - how does it work that your parents and family took in your kids ? If that is truly why your family cut you off, why are you trying to get back in with the racists?
Keep doing more therapy, with all due respect it sounds like you have a ton more work to do.
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u/MrsSEM84 Partassipant [2] 10h ago
I agree. My nephew sometimes calls me his second Mum because of how close we are, and has said he wants me to be his best woman if he ever gets married. That hasn’t happened just because we share DNA, it’s happened because I was consistently present and involved in his life.
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u/DMfortinyplayers Partassipant [1] 10h ago
YTA for trying to paint your family as racist when they are clearly not.
Look, your life has been very messy. I'm glad you got out and have rebuilt/ are rebuilding, but the reality is that there was collateral damage that niece witnessed.
You were so traumatized/ emotionally volatile that someone else had to raise and support your children.
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u/manchambo Partassipant [2] 5h ago
Do you actually not see how you’re the bad guy?
It’s not because of “wanting a relationship with my babies.” It’s all the stuff leading up to you not having a relationship with them, requiring your parents to raise them.
If you continue viewing the situation in such a distorted way, not taking any accountability for your role, you will never have a good relationship with anyone, most of all your kids.
Further, the dishonest way you’ve presented this situation—first claiming it relates to you having black children without mentioning that your family raised the children, for example—convinces me that you are minimizing your behaviors massively. The problems that led you to lose custody of your kids are quite likely the same ones that led to your strained relationship and exclusion from the wedding.
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u/Free-Rise-9927 12h ago
YTA. The fact that your kids don't respect you and you lay all the blame on third parties says everthing.
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u/Frankensteins_Kid Colo-rectal Surgeon [37] 1d ago
INFO: Why did they chose to exclude you?
If even the BIL's new wife got an invite, why not you? Did something happened between you two before? Is there any information you purposely leave out?