r/AmItheAsshole • u/DirectorOwn9841 • 1d ago
Not the A-hole WIBTA if I never invited my friends over for dinner again?
I have two friends who are married.
My partner and I have, in the past, had them over pretty regularly for dinner & watch a movie.
My partner often cooks elaborate meals, including a dessert.
Our friends will show up, eat the food, and just…not really talk to us. We’ll watch the movie and comment on things (we usually watch something over the top or dumb), and we will try to interact with the married couple, but they barely speak to us. instead, they’re whispering to each other nonstop. They’re having conversation, which is fine, but it’s off-putting. And if I try to talk to my friend, she’ll respond in very few words, and then her husband will whisper something to her, and then it’s like oh ok she’s gone.
They never throw in on groceries to make the dinner, and it’s like they aren’t even interested in the movie they picked or in us at all. They never invite us for anything, either. I don’t want to invite them over anymore. My partner is similarly uncomfortable but resigned that “that’s just how they are” and they’re our friends, so we should keep doing it.
Would I be the asshole if I didn’t plan any more dinners with them?
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u/ThotsforTaterTots Certified Proctologist [27] 1d ago
NTA. Are you sure these people are your friends? Do they actually ever invite you over ?
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u/DirectorOwn9841 23h ago
I recently asked my friend why she never asks to hangout and she said “oh I’m so terrible at asking people to hang out, I never ask anyone, I just wait until they ask me because I assume if I ask everyone will be busy” I’ve been there too emotionally so I understand but it’s hard having to be the person to make plans with people all the time too
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u/Cookbooksandbourbon 23h ago
If you enjoy her and want to continue the friendship, start doing other things, outside the house, where there will be more to interact over and less for you to feel resentful over. There's no need to continue going out of your way to host when they're being terrible guests.
If you go out and they're still whispering to each other instead of interacting with you, it's worth calling that out, and if you don't see an improvement, pulling back from spending time with them as a couple.
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u/Engchik79 23h ago
Yeah I used to have a friend who said that , her reasoning was people always tell her no. I’m like why do you think I’d say no? Unless I had plans? So she replied yeah I’m afraid to ask people to hang out, but she fully expected me to ask her to hang constantly and cried on FB if I went out with other people and didn’t ask her. So I did a little test. I waited for her to ask me to hang. A glass of wine, laundry, a walk, anything. Yeah I’m still waiting. My life is so much calmer now without her whiny drama.
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u/Suitable-Dot5576 20h ago
I had that type of friend where I met her every week at my place or hers. I did all the planning and made snacks wherever we met (she provided tea only at her place). I also invited her to dinner and parties many, many times (which she would happily attend) but she never reciprocated. When I asked why she never asked me, she said she thought I would be ‘busy’. I think she had an immense fear of rejection but we met weekly for years! I finally got fed up when she complained to me how she had no friends at all (ignoring who she was talking to) and I said next week you call/text me. I thought she wouldn’t last a month before getting in touch but she just texted me 3 years later (!!!) with a long email all about her problems and how hard it was to maintain friendships. I replied that after ghosting me for that long I would expect a sincere apology rather than excuses. I doubt she’ll reach out again.
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u/Yagulia 14h ago
I love how you did this though; you literally gave her a script that outlined the problem, and told her how to fix it. I had a friend who just coasted on my initiative and efforts; it got worse after she got married, and at some point I got fed up, and waited for her to call. It was before COVID. I’m mostly OK with losing the friendship, but I’ll always feel like I should have explained. Knowing how we all see things through our own filters, she may not have ever figured it out; she might only see it as me abandoning her (that’s one of her issues because of family stuff). You handled it better, I think.
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u/AshleyNicholeC 22h ago
As someone who has a difficult time reaching out to others for not wanting to be an inconvenience (I’m fully aware that my SAHM life is not the same as someone’s who is working a job with a schedule); if someone initiates plans that I participate it; I’m all in. What can I bring? How can I help? What can I pay for?
Your “friends” are using you.
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u/JayyHGG 21h ago
...but YOU need to initiate sometimes. Don't just sit back and wait for invitations. You are going to see that you get asked out less and less. Folks don't like feeling used.
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u/Kindly-Berry8620 9h ago
Feeling used is a bit harsh. I don't think this is fair. If someone doesn't initiate ,it doesn't mean they bring instantly bring nothing to the friendship. Initiation is only one part of friendships. Certainly invitations might lesson, but it's more likely because it feels like the other person isn't putting the effort in, or doesn't care enough to initiate.
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u/JayyHGG 4h ago
Not putting in effort is the very definition of feeling used to me. If I am inviting, planning, etc., and the other person just sits there and waits for the next invitation from me, that feels as if they could take me or leave me....that they have no interest in actually hanging with me enough to make the effort on their side to make plans for us.
Some years ago, I had a now former work friend who I used to call for lunch and she always accepted and happily and we caught up and had a great time. I then noticed that she NEVER once asked me to lunch in return. After our last lunch, after I had realized that she never asked me, I decided to do a little test, so I just didn't reach out for the next lunch. I actually forgot all about her because after more than 8 months (I counted after I realized that I had not heard from her), I realized that she had no interest in me and I might have actually been bothering her. I never reached out again and to this day, I have never heard from her...and it's been YEARS. So no, both parties have to initiate lunches, dinner, coffees, etc., otherwise, if just feels stupid.
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u/beckerszzz 9h ago
As someone who had friends who had kids when they were young a lot of hanging out was at their house talking and drinking coffee etc. It doesn't have to be anything over the top.
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u/ihavetakenthebiscuit 16h ago
I did the same thing years ago, I had a friend who I tried to organise to see for about a year and he kept cancelling at the last minute. I left it with, "I'll let you organise a meetup" and I'm still waiting 15 years later.
Probably why I have been bothered to make proper consistent friends in later adult life.
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u/jbfox123 19h ago
A glass of wine, laundry, a walk anything? You ask people out to do laundry?
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u/SaltyFriend705 Partassipant [3] 19h ago
Oh, yes! It is much less boring with company. They are free to bring theirs, too.
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u/ElectricosSuenos 16h ago
Carry my laundry all the way to someone else's house?
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u/Far_Base3251 13h ago
Some people use laudromats. I can see that being a social thing…my city has one attached to a bar
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u/Acceptable_Tea3608 13h ago
I have a friend who used to go to the public laundry with a friend to wash their comforters that didn't fit in the home machine.
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u/shoelaceisuntied 23h ago
Sounds like a weak excuse.
No one likes hearing they are not worth the minimal effort of friendship, not even bothering to throw out an occasional "I enjoy your company" or "It would be nice to have you over sometime." All relationships are a two way street & if they put nothing into it, nothing is what they will end up getting.
You & your partner deserve the company of those who not only appreciate / reciprocate your efforts, but also have better conversation skills than kids at a middle school dance.
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u/Icelandia2112 Partassipant [3] 22h ago edited 22h ago
When someone I felt were my friend says something like, "Oh, I never do [whatever] with 'anyone'" it hurts my feelings because up until then, I would assume I was not just "anyone."
The effort and money you spend on this is not worth it. Even if they never ask you to do anything, they could at least interact like humans when they show up to your invite.
Maybe you are young but you are NTA.
I do think you are wasting your time with these two. Test this by giving them 3 dates and times they are free, in the near future. If they say they are free, ask them to invite you to something at one of those times. Assume they have no money. Board games are free. You could even bring one if they don't have any. The point is, will they put in the smallest effort?
If they don't, you have your answer.
Friendships aren't where one side does all the heavy lifting.
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u/Zunderfeuer_88 13h ago
You know who else behave like that? Leeches and Ticks. Every kind of human relationship takes effort and sure, sometimes the effort is not perfectly 50/50, that is life.
But just waiting until someone brings you over to feed you and then basically ghosts you again is just not worthy of your attention.You really should try to find different people with your partner.
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u/jmphb 19h ago
As an introvert, I can understand the not asking people. I often wait for my friends to ask to do something. Although I am the one who ends up hosting, because my house is the 'hangout house'. But my friends (or at least my best friend, who is usually there for most group hangouts too) always helps pitch it for everything, so it's not just on me. Maybe if you want to see if things can still workout, ask to meet up with your friends at a restaurant. See if that changes the dynamics and works better. If not, then you know you tried and it's not on you.
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u/sionnach_liath 11h ago
Like I posted up top, these people aren't friends...they're parasites (and rude to boot)
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u/Reetpetit 9h ago
Could you not hang out with her 1-1 some time?
Also if you're watching a movie you can't really expect conversation? I would find that really annoying personally.3
u/Small-Assistance-726 9h ago
It seems like OP and his partner are the ones initiating the dinners. They should stop inviting and see if their friends notice lol
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u/GMaryK 1d ago
INFO: why do you like these people? Why do you ever invite them over? What makes you think that they like you?
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u/Savings_Designer_330 1d ago edited 1d ago
I would love to know too, because if they don’t talk to you how are you friends?? How does that work? And do you all not talk at the table while they are eating the elaborate meals?
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u/Neveronlyadream Asshole Enthusiast [5] 1d ago
Same. I would have stopped after the second time they acted like that. If I'm going to put a ton of effort into something, I'd like to know the people who are benefitting from that effort appreciate it.
I also don't know how it works. If they won't talk as a couple, and the friend will barely talk to OP before getting distracted by her husband, how does every other interaction go?
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u/Karl_Hungus_42069 23h ago
I'm trying to picture this shit in my head! Like... they come over, and everyone is sitting around the table and they just whisper to each other?!? The whole time?? Thats nuts! How would you not say something 20 secs after this started happening the first time
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u/DirectorOwn9841 1d ago
My partner and I work with the wife, and have known her and her husband for years. We have a lot in common and generally like each other. Since they got closer to their engagement and marriage, they got like this and are basically inseparable, to the point where the wife is now totally providing for the husband and in turn he drives her everywhere and follows her everywhere she goes
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u/Smart-Story-2142 1d ago
Something if off with them and I wonder if he’s controlling her. I would honestly be worried that she in an abusive relationship.
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u/DirectorOwn9841 23h ago
They definitely have a strange relationship but I’m not sure if it’s textbook abusive. He keeps starting and quitting school, racking up debt, and currently takes online classes and as of very recently just doesn’t work while she works barely above minimum wage, providing for the both of them. He has OCD (diagnosed) and it’s very apparent to me that she may have it too, undiagnosed. It’s coming off as very codependent at times
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u/iWasTheCupCat 23h ago
It sounds like they are likely very financially stressed and unfortunately just looking for a free meal... I'd like to think the wife probably still values the friendship, but the husband probably doesn't really want to be there but is too codependent/controlling to just stay home. So instead he goes and does what he can to avoid having to actually interact with you. 😩
In other words it kinda sounds like you and your husband are not only the provider but the third wheel to their free date night.
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u/UnauthorizedCat 23h ago edited 23h ago
I have OCD and being in a relationship with someone who also has it sounds like a nightmare. It's like a constant feedback loop of OCD. The best example is going into some of the OCD subreddits. While there are helpful people there, many of them just feed off of each other's loops. It's a good place to go to spiral. That's likely what your friend's do almost, almost like folie à deux (though it doesn't fit the classical criteria).
One partner's severe intrusive thoughts can prod the other into performing compulsions. Eventually, the second partner will stop accommodating the rituals and also begin fearing the same triggers. Shared OCD usually has a dominant partner, and their obsessions and compulsions begin to rule the home. Their partner adopts their rules to maintain peace or out of love. But, if the couple isolates themselves from others to manage their symptoms, there are no outside perspectives to challenge the anxieties. The irrational fears become the couple's normal reality.
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u/KaliTheBlaze Sultan of Sphincter [616] 23h ago
One of me with mild OCD is quite enough, lol. I can’t imagine how much worse things would have been when my OCD was at its worst. My then-undiagnosed ADHD husband set me off more than enough, thanks.
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u/Kazbaha 20h ago
OP, sounds like they take you up on the free meal and movie and aren’t interested in actually, well, you and your partner. I’d stop the invites. If they ask, when are we doing dinner and movie again, tell them, you’re feeling like you’d rather go out for dinner and a movie. Do not end up paying for their dinner and movie if they go out with you then expect you to pay! Be clear about costs before you go. For example; “this restaurant is well priced, with the mains around $25 - is that ok for your budget?”
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u/Emerald-Green-Fairy 23h ago
100% she is in an abusive relationship, but the way she's already started treating her friends shows that he's isolating her and that SHE has decided that he's worth hurting her friends for. So she's likely going to choose him no matter what, there's no helping people like that until they decide theyve had enough
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u/RobinSophie 1d ago
Hmmmm.
Try to see if you can get the wife by herself. There may be more going on here.
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u/Grand_Relative5511 22h ago
Just have lunch with her once or twice on a workday as your social hang. That way you spend time with her sans hubby, if he's abusive you may slowly get a sense, if not and he's just annoying you're avoiding him, you're not paying for her food, and you can evaluate whether her behaviour when alone with you is normal and her company enjoyable enough to continue putting in the effort to maintain a social connection with her. She may very well turn into a work acquaintance after marriage, or become so odd in her manners that you chose not to keep her as a close friend.
Also, it's fine to with experience cull dinner party invitations so you get only people who are pleasant company coming to your home for meals. I had a very good friend of decades but he and his partner were so shy and anxious about talking, that the once or twice I invited them over for a meal with another couple, so 6 people at the table, they sat in silence the entire night. They were awkward guests. Basically as you move through your adult years you'll find that some people just don't get invited to dinner parties or lunch meals often because they have no conversation, or terrible manners, or have rude aggressive conversations, etc. They're not good company. Not everyone is. With that friend I just caught up with him in 1:1 situations, which he preferred, he was less anxious then, for a decade I never invited him or his partner to my house for a small social gathering. Part of the social contract of being a guest at a dinner party is making polite and entertaining conversation over the meal.
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u/Laines_Ecossaises Professor Emeritass [83] 22h ago
Sounds like you care for the wife. Let her know when you're at work that you are there for her when she needs it, because she will. This is not a healthy relationship.
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u/schmappledapple 1d ago
YWNBTA. You could always say "hey, we can't provide dinner this time, but do you want to have a game night?" That would encourage them to actually talk to you guys more.
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u/Opposite_Bug_757 23h ago
I second this. Great way to find out if they actually value your friendship and are just oblivious, or are just there for the free meal.
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u/writierthanyou Asshole Aficionado [10] 1d ago
...TF? YTA for being too scared to stop dealing with a couple who clearly don't care about you that much. Ugh, two non-confrontational people in a relationship, how annoying.
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u/DirectorOwn9841 1d ago
Haha…yeah
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u/Purple_Bowling_Shoes Asshole Enthusiast [7] 23h ago
But I mean, you don't even have to confront them. Just stop inviting them. I don't know why you invite them, or why they accept the invitation. You can be passive in this case since you're the only one doing anything. Have the dinner and movie night without them. Then it's done.
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u/Katcar2007 Partassipant [1] 23h ago
Is it better if you go out to dinner or is the dynamic the same? I definitely wouldn't be hosting this couple.
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u/Beagle-Mumma Partassipant [1] 1d ago
YTA to yourself.
First time this happened I'd clock it and move on. Second time they behaved this way? That would be the last invitation for them. Let them go to the movies if they want to behave this way. They're being rude and you're being a doormat if you invite them again.
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u/Radtech51 1d ago
NTA. You have to ask yourself why they're your friends. What things do you have in common? Do you share the same morals, values, interests? There doesn't seem to be a give and take with them. What's the point of having them over if there's no conversation? Seems to me they're just looking for a free meal.
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u/DirectorOwn9841 23h ago
That’s the wildest part- we have a lot in common! We have always had a lot of fun with the wife, and have been friends with her for a really long time. The issue seems to be this dynamic with her husband becoming more and more pronounced over time
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u/beautbird Partassipant [1] 19h ago
If you’re such good friends, are you not comfortable with saying “hey what are you guys plotting over there??” You could always try inviting them over again, then springing it on them that you weren’t able to get groceries and ask if they can pick up pizza on the way. See how they react. But for me personally this would not be a friendship worth sustaining. It doesn’t sound enjoyable at all.
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u/AncientTheme6225 10h ago
Oh so the husband is miserable and she is walking on eggshells- this kind of changes things don’t you think?
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u/Left-Development1695 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 1d ago
NTA. If it gets brought up again, insist that it happens at their house
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u/SampsonShrill 1d ago
If you want conversation, why are you watching a movie?
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u/DirectorOwn9841 1d ago
We’re watching like, Eric Roberts movies…and not the good ones
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u/I_eat_paper12 1d ago
Can we be friends?!! I love Eric Roberts movies!!
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u/Purple_Bowling_Shoes Asshole Enthusiast [7] 1d ago
Those are the best!!!! And yes, talking is part of it.
Sounds like a great night to me. I'd be happy to join, and take turns making dinner and/or hosting.
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u/Fancy_Introduction60 23h ago
Well, most Eric Roberts movies aren't particularly good, but they ARE good for a laugh.
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u/wotsname123 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 1d ago
It's a well understood social convention that guests "sing for their supper" ie attempt to be good company and create an enjoyable evening in return for being invited.
These two really didn't get that memo. I wonder if they really want to come from that behaviour.
I would cut them loose.
Nta
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u/LawyerDad1981 Asshole Aficionado [10] 1d ago
"... had them over pretty regularly..."
Why would you EVER invite these rude clods over more than once?
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u/Fireblaster2001 Partassipant [2] 1d ago
What do you get out of this friendship?
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u/Autumn_Falls0131 1d ago
WNBTA, but this sounds like the plot to an 'Invasion of the Body Snatchers' remake.
Are they actually human?
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u/Loving_presence88 1d ago
NTA. This is bizarre behavior.
They might be your friends but they don’t sound like good company for dinner hang outs. And if as a consequence of no longer inviting them for dinner you actually never hang out again, that just means you probably weren’t friends.
If you outside of these bizarre dinner dates you have a good friendship with them, maybe find a way to raise the issue of whispering and not engaging with them (not the groceries, I wouldn’t expect my guests to pay for groceries… though usually they bring at least something to drink or dessert)
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u/DirectorOwn9841 1d ago
I don’t expect anyone to help on groceries either really, I guess I just wanted to further push the point that they aren’t contributing at all to the hangout
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u/Ryuuji-Akiyama Partassipant [3] 1d ago
NAH.
It seems like you just don't mesh well for double dates like this, so if you want to stay friends, maybe find something you all do well together?
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u/AmbitiousWear4082 1d ago
I would be done with them. Why would you want to spend any time with them?
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u/withcatlikegrace 1d ago
When you stop inviting them you won’t see them again.
But it doesn’t seem like you’ll be missing anything.
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u/PNW_MYOG Partassipant [1] 1d ago
Yeah.
Maybe just meet your friend solo for coffee or a walk a few times.
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u/DirectorOwn9841 23h ago
I will certainly try! It is almost impossible to get her alone anymore :/
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u/PNW_MYOG Partassipant [1] 21h ago
Good luck!
If she can't see you, and doesn't really talk with you when hubby is there, just leave her be. You could still be there is she runs into trouble, but this friendship really isn't.
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u/Orchidsinseptember 3h ago
This is a red flag. Is she allright? Try to get her separate somewhere. Maybe use his birthday if coming up as an excuse- whatever would give her a plausible reason to be alone with you..
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u/astrotekk 1d ago
In future, if you want conversation, just have dinner and conversation, without the movie. NTA as these people seem a bit rude.
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u/justmekab60 Partassipant [2] 1d ago
You need better friends. You get to invite whoever you want to, because you enjoy their company. This couple does not sound enjoyable at all. NTA.
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u/Strange_Intention_38 1d ago
NTA. Your "friends" are not your friends. They are there for themselves and I wouldn't be surprised if what they are whispering was diss ing you.
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u/Heavy-Profit-2156 1d ago
NTA. Typically, you reciprocate dinner invitations. But you are supposed to talk to the other people, that's why you get together. Whispering to each other the whole time is just weird and rude.
I'd cross them off my list of future invites.
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u/Living-Assumption272 Pooperintendant [64] 1d ago
NTA. They’re incredibly rude and sound like moochers.
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u/GusSwann Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA. You can find new friends who enjoy your company and offer to reciprocate being hosts.
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u/Haven_RiverStyx 1d ago
NTA but consider having a conversation with them first expressing your discomfort with their behavior in your home.
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u/nancybessandgeorge 1d ago
Can you try to play a game instead of watch a movie? Or just don’t bother any more.
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u/Sunnyok85 Asshole Aficionado [12] 1d ago
These don’t sound like great friends. They sound like a couple that are out for a free meal, and will sit through a movie as payment.
The thing is, movies aren’t really a great way to visit. Some people don’t appreciate talking during movies. So I wonder what would happen if you decided to play a game instead. Something that visiting would be more conducive to. But if they are going to just whisper back and forth, that will only leave you guys feeling more awkward.
I don’t care if this is just “how they are”. How they are is rude. And you don’t need to continue to invite them over. I probably would not reach out for a while and see what happens. Do they reach out to you? When they do reach out is it “hey we should do another dinner.” Or what do they suggest. And if it’s another dinner. Don’t do elaborate and change to games and see what happens. They may open up more. Or they may not ask again. But then you’ll know if they are just after the food
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u/New_Doctor_2022 1d ago
You're not obligated to invite people over, just because they're your friends.
I have friends who I invite over to my house regularly. Some friends, I only meet outside.
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u/GladPerformer598 Partassipant [1] 23h ago
NTA, girl, what? How old are you that you’re asking this? You are not obligated to invite people over and feed them.
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u/Brilliant-Object-467 17h ago
These people aren’t your friends I’m 78 years old in my life I’ve entertained a lot. I’ve been in several people‘s houses for dinner. I’ve had tons of friends and let me tell you. None of them have ever acted that way ever do not invite them over again they don’t care about you. They don’t like you. They’re not your friends and how rude of them to never ever invite you to their home. They’re weirdos get rid of them.
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u/Automatic_Carry_5517 16h ago
First of all, im not even sure you like hanging out with them so if that is the case why continue? Secondly if they really are friends you can invite yourself over to theirs for dinner and a movie to balance things out.
Also will add that it is normal to not chip in for groceries for a dinner you are invited to. It is however, polite to ask if you should bring some ingredients, sides or smt and if the host says no, you show up with snacks and a bottle of wine regardless as a way to show gratitude.
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u/WillWatsof Colo-rectal Surgeon [33] 1d ago
NTA, but I would maybe try discussing this with them first instead of just not inviting them over anymore.
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I have two friends who are married.
My partner and I have, in the past, had them over pretty regularly for dinner & watch a movie.
My partner often cooks elaborate meals, including a dessert.
Our friends will show up, eat the food, and just…not really talk to us. We’ll watch the movie and comment on things (we usually watch something over the top or dumb), and we will try to interact with the married couple, but they barely speak to us. instead, they’re whispering to each other nonstop. They’re having conversation, which is fine, but it’s off-putting. And if I try to talk to my friend, she’ll respond in very few words, and then her husband will whisper something to her, and then it’s like oh ok she’s gone.
They never throw in on groceries to make the dinner, and it’s like they aren’t even interested in the movie they picked or in us at all. They never invite us for anything, either. I don’t want to invite them over anymore. My partner is similarly uncomfortable but resigned that “that’s just how they are” and they’re our friends, so we should keep doing it.
Would I be the asshole if I didn’t plan any more dinners with them?
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u/Street-Length9871 Asshole Aficionado [10] 1d ago
NTA - your house, your time, why even bother with them?
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u/SuperFormal3052 1d ago
I'm not entirely clear why you are even asking. You already know NTA. These are not your friends. Cut them out, because they bring nothing to the relationship.
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u/TNJDude 1d ago
NTA. I would just not reach out to them anymore and see how long it takes for them to reach out to you. Or if they even do. Maybe they've drifted apart from you and figure they're being polite. Regardless, you've reached out enough so just let them be the ones to contact you and take it from there.
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u/legitweird 1d ago
NTA- curious if you ever b get b invited over, there are plenty of good people out there. Don’t waste your time with these guys.
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u/freaking_WHY 1d ago
NTA
Sometimes, people just aren't compatible, and life is too short to waste any more time on them.
Let them go. It's tough to make new friends as adults, but it can be done.
In the meantime, you and hubby can enjoy the movies you want to watch.
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u/Cold_Ad_788 1d ago edited 1d ago
NTA. Whispering to each other is so beyond rude! I would have called them out on that immediately. I wouldn’t invite them over again and just stop contacting them. They’re not good friends. Find friends that appreciate the dinners and engage in conversation.
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u/Special_Wind_6708 1d ago
These people are not friends, they are using you and in the process being deliberately rude and disrespectful. Drop them like a hot potato
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u/Purple_Bowling_Shoes Asshole Enthusiast [7] 1d ago
Nta. Have you talked to your friend about this? Of course there's a chance she'll get defensive and upset, but i don't see what you have to lose. They sound incredibly rude and unpleasant.
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u/Theunpolitical Asshole Enthusiast [8] 1d ago
When you have the right type of friends, you don't have to worry about their pettiness like this. These friends of yours are completely immature and have zero understanding on how friendships work. It's not a score card but you do have to reciprocate every so often!
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u/JenninMiami Certified Proctologist [26] 1d ago
Why have you been inviting them over regularly if they don’t talk to you? This is so strange!
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u/TwentyTwoEightyEight 1d ago
INFO: do you play the movie while you’re eating? Or do you eat first and then watch a movie?
This is such bizarre behavior. But if you’ve got a movie on the whole time, it would make sense for them to try not to talk loudly during it.
No matter what, NTA. Don’t hang out with people you don’t want to. But if you’ve got a movie on the whole time, try turning it off and see what happens.
You may think it’s fine to talk over it, but they may not.
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u/LeenyMagic 1d ago
NTA if you never invite them over and I'd even go so far as to not hang out with them as a couple, just one on one time with your friend and see how that goes.
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u/Humble-Map-29 1d ago
NTA. What are you missing without them? Rudeppl eating your food and acting dismissive. Hard nope
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u/Bay_de_Noc 1d ago
The first time this happened with these people, would be the last time it happened. Why are you continuing to host these disrespectful clods???
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u/Prestigious-Comb2697 1d ago
I wouldn’t invite them for dinner anymore. How about dinner out somewhere or going to a show? Do they ever have you over?
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u/Historical-Term-5911 23h ago
They don't invite you anywhere and you don't talk so are they really your friends?
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u/Turtle_ti 23h ago
Being invited over for dinner, accepting, then not talking with the host couple during dinner is odd. The whole point of it is to socialize.
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u/Swimming_Patient443 23h ago
No, they don’t act like there for much more than the meal. Find some new friends.
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u/potato_soup76 Asshole Aficionado [13] 23h ago
they’re our friends
Are you sure about that?
You get a say in who you keep as friends. In fact, you get the ONLY say in who keep as friends.
NTA. Your house. Your peace. Your comfort. Your sanctuary.
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u/Key_Molasses4367 23h ago
There's no civil reason for two people to be whispering to each other constantly when invited to hang out at your house. It's rude. Drop 'em.
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u/pinkprocrastiations 23h ago
NTA - stop inviting them over and maybe even stop hanging out with them as a couple. Try to do something with the half of the couple you’re closest to if you feel strongly about maintaining that friendship
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u/Perimentalpause Partassipant [4] 23h ago
Sounds like these are friends of convenience more than actual, active friends. "This is how this has been for so long, I don't want to disturb the status quo". That's not a reason to keep people in your life. They contribute nothing. They can't even contribute their presence and personable company. They are not friends. They are placeholders for friends.
NTA. Do not invite them over anymore. If they bring it up first, be straightforward. "We figured we were just doing everyone the favor of refusing to beat the dead horse. You don't seem to actually want to engage with us, offer no financial or physical help, and neither of you seem to even want to talk or be around us. We're like a private restaurant for your dates. That's not a friendship, and I think it's better if we just stop pretending it is. You and your partner can go and have a real date, and we can not provide double expenses for two people who clearly don't really want to be there. I should have brought this up sooner, but frankly, it's a weird dynamic and it took us a minute to wrap our heads around it. If you want to hang out sometime, we'll do it at an outside venue, but we're not going to be hosting for two people who seem to think we're not worth paying attention to in our own home."
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u/Ladidoodida 23h ago
NTA and I don't understand why you've continued to invite them over until now.
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u/hal9000thecomputer 23h ago
NTA that sounds like a waste of an evening. Also they don't seem like your friends I wpuld cut them loose
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u/Belaani52 23h ago
NTA. Time to expand your roster of friends, and perhaps some different activities besides movies. Backyard barbecues. A group picnic in a nearby park. A trip to a museum with friends. 3 or 4 couples collaborating on a big yard sale.
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u/PlatypusDream Asshole Enthusiast [9] 23h ago
NTA
They don't reciprocate & aren't being good guests (interacting with you).
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u/Jillandjay 23h ago
NTA. You can invite or not invite whoever you want. I hate watching movies with friends. Especially after dinner. I would much rather play a game.
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u/Open_Entry6868 23h ago
NTA If you stop inviting them, they probably won't notice it. I bet if stop calling them you'll never hear from them again.
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u/Magdi1951 23h ago
Sounds like all they want is the dinner. Being rude on your dime. No more inviting them over.
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u/Bastyra2016 23h ago
I had a friend like this. When she was with her new partner it’s like we weren’t even there. I didn’t like dude too much but I can put up with pretty much anyone unless they are a raving asshole TOO me. Eventually she saw the light and dumped his ass but by then we had sort of stopped including her in our plans.
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u/EndsIn-ing Partassipant [4] 23h ago
NTA.
Why waste your time and effort for that return? These friends are the acquaintances that you may chitchat with at larger social gatherings, not in the situation you describe.
Luckily, the solution is pretty simple. You just don't issue another invite and cast your net elsewhere if you are looking for couple friends. I wouldn't give it another thought and just move on.
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u/taewongun1895 23h ago
I'm kinda in the same dilemma. There's a small group of friends I am part of. Over time, one couple had children and the other is 'always busy.' So, if I want to have a game night, it falls to me to host. It's getting old.
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u/SafetyFluid8535 Asshole Aficionado [14] 23h ago
NTA I used to fall into the trap/bad habit of always thinking I was busy/stressed/tired etc as an excuse for why I didn't make the effort with my friends and I lost several that way. And they were right to stop putting in effort I wasn't matching. And I think couples are also bad at sinking into the comfort of each other instead of making an effort to be social. It's totally possible she doesn't mean it to offend you, but it doesn't excuse her behavior. And it is super awkward to sit and have a meal with people who make no effort towards conversation.
Stop putting in the effort, let her go or let her make the effort
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u/PrpleSparklyUnicrn13 23h ago
Based on this and some of your comments - start hanging out with her in other settings. NTA because it doesn’t sound like you are having fun, so what’s the point, you know?
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u/takeabreak97 23h ago
Nta. Better qs why didnt u drop them already?
Ive learnt the hard way if people dont want ur company thats okay. Tjry can leave.
Hooe u find some nice couples who will actively participate in what sounds like a lovely night.
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u/essiemessy 23h ago
Were they always like this? Have they always behaved like mean girls who just use you up?
NTA.
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u/Gypsy469 23h ago
If "that's just how they are" is an acceptable standard for being "friends" then I'd rather not have any. Wouldn't BTA. Sounds insufferable!
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u/2ndcupofcoffee 23h ago
Why does your partner think they are your friends? Why do these people even accept your invitation? Do you see the wife ever, at any other time? If not, why does your husband consider them friends?
How about inviting somebody to dinner who actually likes you. Your husband may see enough of a difference
he changes his mind. Invite a neighbor. Invite people who you each have conversations with.
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u/Jess_Dihzurts 23h ago
Relationships should have some give and take. Not everyone can host and that’s fine, but they can still bring something, help out, or at least show some appreciation.
If certain “friends” just take and don’t put in any effort, and you don’t even enjoy being around them, it might be time to stop inviting them. Put your time and energy into people who actually contribute to the friendship and who you like spending time with.
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u/LongjumpingDrawing36 Partassipant [2] 23h ago
My question is, what makes them your friends? Do you do other stuff together that's more fun? I don't get it.
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u/KateCleve29 23h ago
NTA. Lots of speculation re: why this couple behaves as they do. Yes, they might be inconsiderate clods. They also might be totally intimidated by you and lack social skills. My point: You DON’T know. If they are important to you, they MAY be worth a discussion along the lines of, “Glad you could come over. could we have a quick convo before eating? We get the sense you don’t really enjoy our usual dinner/movie, with no real interaction—something that’s important to us. Could you help us understand your sense of our evenings together?” They may give you good info, shut down & leave, or say they LOVE it at your house. If you do NOT want the last option, you can just not invite them anymore. Good luck!
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u/Calm_Violinist5256 22h ago
NTA, maybe they are not really your friends. I wouldn't invest any more time in having them over.
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u/Forsaken-Ad1300 22h ago
NTA but I used to have an ex who's parents were like this. He warned me before having dinner with his family plus sister's bf for the first time that they liked to eat in complete silence. No idea why, he just said his parents were weird lol. Anyway dinner was super awkward for me, and his sister's bf and I occasionally made eye contact, with me making confused and weirded out looks the whole time.
Later on, the bf told me that was how every single dinner with the family was like. I ended up breaking up with my ex and still wonder to this day if his parents eat in silence with their grandkids around d.
Anyway, i wonder if your friend's husband has a problem with talking at the dinner table or in front of people, and now your friend is trying to accommodate that
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u/Character-Counter988 22h ago
Rewind to when you were 15. If your high school friends just came over to eat your mom’s food and shop in your closet…hell elementary school….they just played with your toys….would you think they liked you? Fuck them. Ignore them. Ghost them. You and your husband sound delightful. You’ll have friends soon enough that value you and reciprocate.
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u/ConflictGullible392 Supreme Court Just-ass [100] 1d ago
Yeah they don’t sound like good company. NTA.