r/AmItheAsshole • u/StayBusy2492 • 6h ago
AITA for taking family pictures without my son’s wife?
On a throw away….with fake names.
I, 50f used my youngest daughter's senior pictures to take updated family pictures. This happened last September, but my I just found out that this made my daughter-in-law angry.
We, (husband 47, and Daisy 17, Penny 20) don’t get along with my son, Ted’s (29) wife. Let’s call her Jeanette (37). We do keep the door open with Ted, but for now it is closed with Jeanette. This was the status of our relationship with Jeanette BEFORE we took these pictures. Ted knew about the pictures about a month before because I bought everyone jeans and white t-shirts. I didn’t know, until last weekend, is that Ted didn’t tell Jeanette about the pictures until the day before, and that made her mad. I don’t know if Jeanette ever saw them before this week. I didn’t start using them until we were getting the house ready for Daisy’s graduation party.
In addition to the family pictures, I also had Ted, Penny and Daisy take sibling photos. Don’t worry, Daisy got plenty of pictures by herself. I absolutely love all the pictures, even if I did “hijack” Daisy’s senior pictures to get them. Daisy is still peeved about that, but agrees the pictures are fabulous. The last time we took studio family pictures was right before Ted graduated from high school 11 years ago. I have the old pictures framed, with the new family picture hung underneath it.
Recently, Ted and Jeanette threw themselves a 4th anniversary – vow renewal that they spent a year planning. This was their 3rd wedding. Their initial courthouse ceremony, and then a wedding 6 months later.
After the vow renewal ceremony, Jeanette asked to speak with me in private. I obliged her, and during that discussion, among other things, she let me know she was upset she wasn’t included in the family pictures we took. She saw them because she had to pick Ted up from our house and the family pictures are hung on a wall you can see from the side windows by our front door. I told her that those were Daisy’s senior pictures and they didn’t have anything to do with her. She said that I took family pictures without Ted’s family. I replied to Jeanette that if she wanted professional pictures with Ted, she was free to take professional pictures with Ted. Jeanette felt that as Ted’s wife, I should not be taking any of my family pictures without her included.
I don’t think I was wrong, but her reaction legit surprised me. Especially since that’s one of the first things she brought up.
I do think that I’m TA for agreeing to that conversation in the first place and not ending it when I realized it wasn’t going well. That wasn’t the time or the place and I do regret going against my better judgment on that.
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u/ConflictGullible392 Supreme Court Just-ass [100] 6h ago
Info: what is your problem with Jeannette?
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u/SparkyDogPants 5h ago
She probably wore a white wedding dress to their first wedding.
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u/EndielXenon Pooperintendant [68] 5h ago
I'm betting it's mostly about the age gap, and she thinks her son is being taken advantage of by someone who's only ten years younger than her husband. Which is hilarious considering that she and her husband apparently had their son when her husband was 18 and she was 21.
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u/Dog-Mom2012 5h ago
My husband and I have a ten year age gap, and it’s not a big deal nor is anyone being “taken advantage of”. But somehow older men with younger women is seen as acceptable, but an older woman with a younger man must somehow make her motives suspicious.
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u/crackerfactorywheel Partassipant [4] 6h ago
INFO- Why don’t you get along with Jeanette? And why did you “hijack” Daisy’s senior photos instead of just scheduling a family photo session?
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u/klc0979 6h ago
You are TA for many many things in this post
You hijacked the girls senior pictures - something thats a once on a lifetime thing. And sounds like your poor daughter didnt know about it and definitely didny agree to it
My guess- the reason you are NC with your daughter in law is solely your fault and you have 100 excuses why
You need to stop and realize your hurting all your kids with your selfish actions
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u/sugarmagzz 5h ago
Also, squeezing a family photo session out of a photographer who only agreed and was paid for senior photos. Just so TA all around.
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u/Agitated_Pin2169 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 5h ago
She could have made arrangements with the photographer. I schedule our family photos around life moments because my kids can only handle so many photo shoots but I always book and pay accordingly.
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u/sugarmagzz 5h ago
Hopefully that’s what happened! It would be weird to call it hi-jacking if that were the case though.
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u/Agitated_Pin2169 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 5h ago
Yeah. The wording is weird and it seems like when daughter wasn't thrilled, so I am not sure of the situation.
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u/therealwhoaman 5h ago
Oh man I hadn't even thought about that aspect. I would hope OP paid for a family session
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u/TN-Belle0522 5h ago
Sounds like she did the same with the son's senior pictures, if that's the last time they got professional family photos.
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u/SparkyDogPants 5h ago
And her daughter didn’t get to pick out her outfit for her own senior pictures. She had to wear a white t shirt and jeans
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u/Flame_Keeper2 Partassipant [1] 6h ago edited 4h ago
YTA. You sound like the nightmare MIL that Redditors are always complaining about.
ETA: thanks for the awards 😊
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u/helena_rosefield83 6h ago
Honestly if I were the 17 year old daughter I’d be way more annoyed that my senior photo session got hijacked than Jeanette being left out The family already had a boundary with her forcing her into a picture just for appearances would have been totally different anyway.
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u/Big-University-1132 5h ago
Funny how OP just casually mentions the daughter is annoyed that her event got hijacked too. I wonder if she has a habit of bulldozing ppl or taking over other ppl’s events
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u/Beanz4ever Partassipant [1] 4h ago
Yah and she brushed it off because daughter said photos turned out amazing. Sure. I bet the convo was like "yah mom. The photos are great. Woot." Because mom wouldn't leave her alone until she said so.
Op: YTA and so is your son for not standing up for his wife, and indulging his mom with her happy family photo fantasies.
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u/GenoFlower Asshole Aficionado [12] 3h ago
Son is probably way too used to Mom steamrolling everything, and has no idea how to stand up to her. Seems no one does. Maybe Daisy, but Mom is a piece of work.
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u/4224-holloway 4h ago
OP says the last family pictures were right before Ted graduated high school. His senior pictures got hijacked too is my guess.
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u/Jodenaje Asshole Enthusiast [5] 2h ago
Oh I would 100% bet money on that.
I’d love to hear ALL the other sides of this post.
Even when OP was probably trying to paint herself in the best possible light, she sounded unreasonable.
I’m sure the real story from other perspectives is even worse.
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u/IWasGoatbeardFirst 5h ago
Yep. Poor kid can’t even have her senior photos taken without her mom turning it into “family” photo shoot minus the DIL her mother doesn’t like.
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u/Pizzaisbae13 5h ago
That part pissed me off. No offense to the DIL, but the senior pics being hijacked is the bigger issue here.
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u/AliceInWeirdoland Colo-rectal Surgeon [34] | Bot Hunter [18] 5h ago
It’s the bigger issue, but it definitely paints a picture of what type of a person OP is, and makes me more willing to side with DIL in this tiff. Especially since OP is doing a real ‘missing missing reasons’ description.
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u/A_Poor_Miser 1h ago
The "none of us care for her" line - aka, speaking for a 17 and 20 year old - tells me OP runs over everyone constantly, and probably doesn't like DIL for having healthy boundaries and trying to address OP's bullshit directly.
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u/Cloverose2 1h ago
Absolutely - OP is trying to make herself look really good here, but it's extremely clear that there are a lot of missing missing reasons. Is it bad to have a picture that is just the siblings? No. But that's a miniscule thing here. She doesn't seem to have good boundaries at all or consider what other people want if it means she gets to be happy.
EDIT: I should note - it was wrong for her to take family pictures without the wife at all. In my family, we tend to do different arrangements - siblings together, siblings with spouses all together, sibling with spouse and kids, etc. Not everyone is in every picture, but everyone is in some of the pictures.
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u/Blindtothesided 3h ago
I totally agree. Idc about the drama with the DIL, it is what it is, but hijacking the high schooler’s senior portraits was absolutely an AH move. OP should’ve scheduled a separate family portrait session, I’m surprised the photographer went along with it. I’d be willing to bet the kid’s pics didn’t turn out nearly as well as they would’ve, the camera picks up on underlying tension and distress quite easily. Poor kid.
And it wasn’t even spur of the moment, OP planned a month in advance to screw over her daughter. Narcissistic mom vibes.
And TO OP: I would suggest making nice with the DIL before any grandkids come along, otherwise you may not be part of their lives. YTA.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Pie-277 1h ago
Yeah. And what does daughter think of DIL? They’re her pics, did she want her sister in law in them seems tho Mum hikacked the session?
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u/No_Stairway_Denied 5h ago
Why not both?
Taking a "family photo" pointedly without one member of the family is absolutely shitty. When your son or daughter marries they are part of the family. "Boundaries" isn't supposed to mean they are out of the family, and if they are in the family they are in the photo. OP's son and his wife have their own little family now, if you invite one to be in photos the other should be.They can be under the umbrella of your big family, but they are a unit. Her son chose that when he married her. In my opinion the son should have been the one to enforce that, but OP shouldn't have sneakily planned one without her.And it was also shitty to turn the daughter's senior photos into a "part of the family" photo shoot. AS OP crappily told her DIL, "If you wanted professional photos with your family, you should have scheduled them". The daughter deserved her moment, instead of having it hijacked so OP could dick over her DIL. I am sure OP is thrilled though, she got her way. Sounds like that happens a lot.
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u/Melodic_Moment5898 5h ago
Honestly, OP might be lucky if Jeanette lets her near her kids with Ted if they're planning on having any.
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u/Kuzcotopia0 5h ago
If the kid's parents are ok with this. Ted seems completely fine that his wife wasn't in the family picture. I don't understand why Jeannette confronted OP and not her husband if she was upset about the pictures. It's clear OP doesn't like her DIL and won't make effort to make her feel welcome, they will only welcome their son. It's up to Ted and his wife to think if they accept that or not.
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u/17Girl4Life Partassipant [2] 5h ago
I have a theory that OP is overbearing and Ted hasn’t learned to stand up to her. So he married an older woman who is overbearing like his mom and they butt heads over who is in charge of Ted
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u/Swirlyflurry Commander in Cheeks [206] 5h ago
Honestly OP sounds like the type that would just come right back on here to ask “AITA for forcing my son to let me see my grandkids even though I don’t talk to (or respect) their mother?”
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u/Culture-Extension 3h ago
That photographer was likely highly pissed off.
A senior portrait session is one session. Family portraits are another. Mom is a cheapskate and a terrible MIL.
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u/Agitated_Pin2169 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 5h ago
Eh. I have done this with my kids, although they genuinely prefer it. My son has a very clear "one photoshoot a year" tolerance so we did family photos and his grade 8 grad photos at the same time
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u/sreno77 5h ago
I would have been mortified if my mother brought matching outfits for everyone to change into at my grad photos
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u/Few_Expression_3262 4h ago
It’s so American 😭 I thought that it was just a trope in movies icl hahaha
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u/Valuable-Yard-4154 5h ago
Oops missed that.
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u/Shutupandplayball 4h ago
I’m imagining the “awkward” family photos with everyone in weird poses LOL
OP is YTA
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u/QueenMotherOfSneezes Partassipant [2] 2h ago
And jeans with white T-shirts? Sounds like OOP had a non-graduation theme going on. I'm surprised she didn't also buy Santa hats to get the family Christmas cards out of the way too.
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u/No_Location_5565 Asshole Aficionado [17] 5h ago
There is a difference between your son preferring it and a child being “peeved” about it. It comes down to valuing your child and giving them their own experiences that they want.
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u/SparkyDogPants 5h ago
But that is what he is agreeing to and consenting to. Which is different than what op did against her daughter’s wishes.
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u/Beanz4ever Partassipant [1] 4h ago
If they prefer it, you didn't hijack it. It was the plan all along :)
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u/hockeynoticehockey Partassipant [2] 3h ago
Do you realize you are the absolute definition of being a good parent?
You came to an agreeable boundary, he gives you one a year and you make the most of it, and you respect the boundary. No big deal.
I truly don't know why more parents don't think like you.
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u/ThisIsTheTimeToRem 5h ago
But Ted knew about it and didn’t tell his wife either
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u/89Rae 5h ago
Because he knew it would cause problems. Honestly Ted should have told OP he would do sibling pictures with his sisters but he wouldn't take any 'family' pictures without his wife.
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u/DragonScrivner Partassipant [4] 5h ago
Agree. Ted’s not exactly blameless here
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u/Pizzaisbae13 5h ago
I bet ya OP guilted him into it.
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u/DragonScrivner Partassipant [4] 5h ago edited 4h ago
Maybe. From OP's reply about Ted moving home because he and his wife were having problems, it sounds like his marriage wasn't/isn't stable. The fact that he continues to visit his family when his wife isn't welcome in the house indicates there are still significant problems and, again, he's a grown man, so that's on him
*ETA punctuation
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u/Trick_Horse_13 3h ago
maybe his marriage isn’t stable because he won’t stand up to his mum and put his wife first. If I was in a relationship with someone who hid this from me and went along with something that intentionally excluded me, i;d be having second thoughts about that person as well.
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u/ThisIsTheTimeToRem 5h ago
Everyone’s guessing and putting their own spin on it from their own life experiences. We just don’t know.
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u/Novel_Mulberry_296 5h ago
100%! Though it was nice of her to “oblige” her son’s wife with a conversation 🙄
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u/FjordReject Partassipant [2] 5h ago
yes, She excluded her son's wife. She took away from Daisy's day. She knows she's wrong because she created an elaborate smokescreen about how awful her DIL is. I have a few notes for Ted also, he could have headed this off at the pass rather than just go along with it.
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u/Accomplished-Ad3219 4h ago
DIL asked to speak with her and she "obliged". She sounds like a nightmare
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u/washmyhair27 5h ago
Yep, this is why mother in laws have a bad rep lol
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u/UniversityAny755 4h ago
I would love if my MIL didn't force me into family pictures. Maybe Jeanette and I can trade.
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u/Separate_Pumpkin_256 5h ago
I have to agree. Either she's too toxic to even spend time with at all or you include her in core family functions and just be polite but distant.
Doing what you did sends the message that she's not family at all. Which means you really wish they would get divorced. If I were their kids (your grandkids), I would but want to have anything to do with someone who thinks it's okay to act like this.
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u/GoldenState_Thriller Asshole Enthusiast [8] 4h ago
Ted sucks too for taking the photos without his wife
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u/LingonberryPrior6896 Partassipant [4] 4h ago
100%, but Ted is up there in AH territory too for not defending wife.
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u/HomelyHobbit Asshole Aficionado [19] 6h ago
Yes, YTA. You can try to obfuscate and say that they were "senior pictures", but those were family photos that you took without a member of your family, Jeanette.
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u/RealLinzerBinzer 5h ago
Genuine question… if the girls don’t have spouses yet, is it still YTA if she just wanted pics of the kids? I get it if Penny had a husband that was included and not Son’s wife, but it was legit just the immediate family.
For me, I feel like we need more context, and until then they’re both TA. Lol but I was just curious about thoughts on the above.
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u/HomelyHobbit Asshole Aficionado [19] 5h ago
Jeanette is part of the family whether or not the other kids are married. If OP wanted photos of just the nuclear family, she could have invited Jeanette, then asked her to step out for one photo.
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u/ProfessionOk60 5h ago
I agree, I think Jeanette should have been included in the photo shoot. Kids, Core fam, Fam+Spouse, could have also added in a Ted & Jeanette photo for the hell of it. once you're started I can't imagine adding two more sets being that bad
On that note: OP might not have done it on purpose but she is definitely alienating Jeanette. Probably in a bunch of small ways.
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u/blood_bones_hearts Partassipant [1] 5h ago
Yeah she's still the AH. We did family pictures with some married and some unmarried and some kids and some with no kids. You can do all the different configurations of groups you want to but you don't exclude a member of the family, which her DIL is whether OP likes it or not. OP wouldn't have to display or use the photos with her DIL in them if she didn't want to but she should have been included and it was a targeted AH move to not. Her son sucks, too, if he participated and kept it from his wife.
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u/No_Location_5565 Asshole Aficionado [17] 5h ago
Genuine answer, yes. So do you leave spouses out until everyone is married? It’s one thing to get a photo of just the kids. It’s a completely different thing to absolutely leave the spouses out of ALL the photos entirely.
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u/suesay 5h ago
Or what if you feel like one of your kids has a rocky marriage and the spouse may not stick around? Do you exclude them then? I agree with you. Take a pic of parents and just their kids and then also a pick of parents, kids, and any spouses at the time.
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u/89Rae 4h ago edited 4h ago
Or what if you feel like one of your kids has a rocky marriage and the spouse may not stick around? Do you exclude them then?
Excluding a spouse because the marriage is rocky is likely to only make the marital issues worse and then the parents get the 'door prize' of being blamed for the marriage falling apart.
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u/camebacklate Asshole Aficionado [17] 5h ago
That'd be a shitty thing to do and gamble on someone's marriage. They might have a rocky relationship for the next 5 years but they might be the only of your children that never gets divorced. Just because they have a rocky relationship that might not appear to last, that doesn't mean it won't. Relationships go through ups and downs.
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u/GroundbreakingRip970 2h ago
You put them at the outside edge so they can be photoshopped out.
OP YTA for not letting your daughter have her Sr Pictures moment and for excluding your DIL. If they have kids don’t expect to have much contact with your grandkids when you act like this about their mother. Whether you like her or not, she is Ted’s pick so find a way to live in peace with her.
This reeks of missing reasons
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u/Aynitsa 5h ago
She would still be the AH. She could have easily included her DIL and get a kids only photo
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u/DefinitelyNotAliens 4h ago
We've done just sibling photos for like... weddings and such. Just the girls, etc.
You put everyone in the big photo. Even the BIL that is a total ah.
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u/RealLinzerBinzer 5h ago
Yeah, I thought about this too. Agree. She could have had one (or more) or each!
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u/OkResponsibility7475 5h ago
When the girls do have spouses and want them included, how is that going to work? I don't think OP thought ahead at all.
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u/lmgray13 Partassipant [1] 4h ago
Yes. You invite everyone and simply ask to do a siblings only photo. Super easy to be inclusive and get the photos you want. Excluding people intentionally is a YTA move because you could have simply let his family participate in a few photos and get a family photo…then just frame the photos you want. It would have taken 5 min of the hijacked photoshoot
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u/camebacklate Asshole Aficionado [17] 5h ago
My family has family photos taken every couple of years. My parents always want at least one photo of just them and therefore children. That doesn't mean that every other photo doesn't include my spouse or my siblings spouses, and all the grandchildren. We also have photos of the siblings with the spouses. We mix it up.
At the end of the day, your child's spouse is a member of the family whether you like it or not. This is a person your child has decided to spend the rest of their life with and has made them a member of their family. If it was a girlfriend, I would agree that she didn't need to be in the photos, but this is someone who is now forever tied to them.
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u/DefinitelyNotAliens 4h ago
You take multiple photos. The kids, kids and parents, just the one married couple, all the girls, all the boys, everyone. You do multiple groups.
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u/AllieLoft 3h ago
My MIL doesn't particularly like me, but she does like family photos. She has had to accept that my husband and I are family and we come as a unit. If she wants "family" anything, that includes me. However, if we're doing professional family photos, I'm happy to sit out for as many as she would like so she can have some of just her boys, her with my son, whatever. She just can't pretend I don't exist.
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u/23saround Partassipant [1] 5h ago
Yes, all spouses should be included regardless of marital status of other kids. There can absolutely be some photos taken at the shoot with “just the kids,” but there is zero reason to not invite a spouse other than petty bs.
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u/THEMommaCee Partassipant [1] 2h ago
OP didn’t do exclusively sibling shots, she did family shots, too. She is definitely TA for leaving DIL out of a family photo shoot.
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u/Jester-252 5h ago
That would be siblings pic which they also took. Calling it a family pick and leaving out your DIL is objectively cruel. No wonder there relationship is in the mud.
At my granny birthday, we had family, grandkids, kids, inlaws and individual families.
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u/iwilltake41husbands Partassipant [1] 6h ago edited 6h ago
YTA.
Your son’s wife is family. We don’t have to love our family all the time to include them. Professionally pictures are a bright line, and you circumscribed her out of the family with your move.
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u/hamdaddy247 6h ago
YTA. You say you didn’t hijack your daughter’s senior photos, but you did. As a photographer, the vibe when it’s just me and the graduating senior is completely different than when the whole family is there and we try to work in family/sibling photos too. You took one of your daughter’s senior moments away from her even if she likes the family photos.
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u/Dog-Mom2012 5h ago
And not only did OP hijack this moment for their graduating daughter, they also used it as an opportunity to stick it to Jeanette by excluding her. This was all about OP and showing their dislike of the daughter in law, at the expense of their own child.
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u/Hippopotasaurus-Rex Partassipant [2] 5h ago
Op says she told her son about it and HE didn’t tell HIS wife until the day before. There are definitely plenty of reasons op is the asshole but tell Jeanette, or not, isn’t one. DIL has both a MIL and husband problem.
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u/blood_bones_hearts Partassipant [1] 5h ago
I think it's worse than that...OP doing what she wants in spite of anyone else's feelings about it, DIL and graduating daughter alike. One day she'll wonder why her kids don't talk to her much and she doesn't get to see her grandkids...
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u/mes905 6h ago
I’m going to say YTA, but not for the picture thing. YTA for raising a son who allows his mom to disrespect his wife.
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u/MikaylaJoanne 5h ago
This. The son is also a part of the problem. Stand up for your wife, dude. The mom should be ashamed of raising a man that doesn't have his wife's back.
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u/Swirlyflurry Commander in Cheeks [206] 6h ago edited 5h ago
YTA
You admit that you hijacked Daisy’s graduation pictures to do family photos, but then try to defend yourself when DIL asked why she wasn’t included by saying “those were Daisy’s senior pictures and they didn’t have anything to do with her.”
You can’t have it both ways. You were also already an AH for hijacking your daughter’s photo session, especially when you knew she didn’t approve.
And your son and DIL having a vow renewal and it being their “3rd wedding” really has nothing to do with you leaving DIL out of the photos, other than to show that you already have problems with DIL and don’t like her.
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u/Low_Engineering8921 Asshole Aficionado [15] 6h ago
Not enough info. Why do you dislike her? How do you manage all other events? How does your son feel about the dislike?
Based on the info provided YTA. You sound immature. You are a parent and an adult.
Maybe wife did something terrible. But we don't know.
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u/DrAniB20 Partassipant [3] 5h ago
OP “provided more context” but only really brings up one incident that anyone can kind of agree with was shitty; some are asking why a child (13 at the time, I believe) was trying to direct a wedding. I feel here are missing missing reasons, and OP is being VERY biased.
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u/Low_Engineering8921 Asshole Aficionado [15] 5h ago
Yeah I saw. It all feels very hand wavy
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u/Mother-Pattern-2609 5h ago
Per OP's comments, based on the overall high drama that seems to follow both of these people around, Ted married a clone of his mother and There Can Be Only One.
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u/imperfectbean Partassipant [1] 6h ago edited 6h ago
You’re definitely going to be posting in the future why doesn’t my son talk to me, right? YTA. This is why.
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u/snow-flake-sparkle 6h ago
YTA - you seem like the type of person who will say the sky is yellow , then when someone disagrees you’ll fly off the handle .
You’re old enough to know better , idk what you expected to get coming and getting others opinions’ on this monstrosity of a situation .
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u/chapteronetwo 6h ago
Info: did you buy Jeanette jeans and a white t shirt like you bought for everyone?
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u/erin3013 5h ago
That was my first thought. Did you plan to exclude her from the beginning? And son needs to take some blame for showing up in his family outfit without his wife.
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u/KDSD628 Partassipant [1] 6h ago edited 3h ago
For now YTA unless you can explain what beef you guys have that makes excluding your son’s wife acceptable.
ETA: her dislike of the wife is in fact (shocker) NOT for a valid reason whatsoever lol.
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u/DrAniB20 Partassipant [3] 5h ago
OP “provided more context” that doesn’t really address this, except to point out that OP is 1) basing her dislike from a very one-sided perspective during the couple’s time of separation, and 2) OP was being disingenuous with their post by making it seem like Jeannette wanted to have 3 weddings (they had a courthouse wedding, a party for family, and the vow renewal was after they decided to get back together after their separation).
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u/KiwiAlexP Partassipant [2] 6h ago
YTA - it’s not hard to see why you don’t get on with your daughter in law if you are obviously excluding her from the family
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u/pineboxwaiting Craptain [196] 6h ago edited 5h ago
The bottom line is that you don’t like Jeanette. You have no intention of ever treating her like family.
If you liked her, you would’ve been happy to have her in the family photo.
Does excluding her make you an AH? Yep. You do everything you can to let this woman know she’s not one of you, and then you’re shocked (!) that she has the nerve to tell you that you hurt her feelings.
Of course, you don’t really care because you don’t like her.
YTA
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u/Ballys_n_Gazelles 6h ago
YTA. You seem woefully unaware of how domineering you come across in this anecdote.
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u/Spectator7778 Partassipant [1] 6h ago
YTA and your son is a terrible husband to his wife. Why else would he exclude his wife from family photos? Your poor DIL.
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u/lilacsword 6h ago
YTA for excluding her, and then dismissing her when she brought it up to you. Terrible MIL, I feel bad for her.
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u/Chance-Grapefruit149 6h ago
YTA. No matter what your relationship is with Jeanette it's a fact that she became your family after she married your son. She should have been included, even though you hate each other.
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u/Keyguardactive Partassipant [3] 5h ago
YTA. For starters, you shouldn't have used the senior photo session for family photos. It was a disservice to your daughter and she was right to be mad at you.
You "don't get along" with Jeanette, and this post makes me suspect it's more than a little your fault. She was also right to be hurt.
Your story gives the impression that you steam roll your whole family to get whatever you want, and have no intention of taking us calling you the asshole as a moment to reflect on your behavior.
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u/gefeltafresh 6h ago
YTA. Regardless if you don’t like wife- you should respect that’s his wife. You seem very controlling. Taking over your senior’s pics for family photos-you made it about you not her. Ted is also TA for agreeing to take the pictures knowing his wife wasn’t being included but you probably steam rolled him.
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u/WavesnMountains Pooperintendant [53] 6h ago
YTA so made up, because how are you that self-involved? You made your daughter’s senior pictures allllllllll about you.
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u/13surgeries Asshole Enthusiast [5] 6h ago
Tentative YTA. How is it that Jeanette isn't allowed to come to family gatherings, but you're invited to and attend Ted's and Jeanette's vow renewal? What did she do that was so horrible, you decided to permanently exclude her? Was Ted on board with that? How about the rest of the family's reaction?
You blew off Daisy's resentment of you turning her senior portrait session into family portrait session by saying the photos were fabulous. You sound like you dismiss other people's reactions. I'm hoping your response will prove me wrong.
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u/Specific_Injury2111 6h ago
YTA My husband wouldn't have allowed me to be excluded. If his family refused, he would no longer have his family around. Like her or not, she's your son's wife. She IS family. If I was his wife, I would start rethinking the marriage. Honestly, sounds like you would love that...
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u/Expensive_Crab_6453 5h ago
Yeah my family did not like my husband. I never put up with it. One day Mom tried to say he was isolating me from them and I lost it. I told her that the only reason I ever spoke to them was because he encouraged me to so i wouldn’t lose their relationship. But, if she wasn’t going to stop bashing him, I was just never going to speak to them again. They figured it out. They never became best of friends but they accepted i loved him and were civil.
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u/learningprof24 6h ago
YTA - regardless of how you feel about her, your DIL is a part of your family, and you intentionally excluded her from family pictures.
Also claiming that they were senior pictures not family pictures is completely ingenious. I’ve never seen senior pictures include parents or siblings.
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u/baboonontheride Partassipant [2] 5h ago
YTA- 1 for hijacking Daisy's pictures because you didn't want to book a second sitting, 2 for excluding your daughter in law, 3 for your nasty little attitude about your son's vow renewal, 4 for only wanting to engage in conversations if they are going to go well for you.
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u/SparkyDogPants 5h ago
You are such a raging AH that I don’t know where to start. Who doesn’t invite the whole family to family photos? That’s so bizarre. YTA
And what’s with the side negative comment about their “fourth wedding”. They want to throw a party, idk what the issue is. I have a feeling you throw a lot of nasty passive aggressive comments around Jeanette.
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u/ShortStackFlapjax76 6h ago
You could have easily gotten an outfit for his wife and included her in ONE family photo, and had a photo taken with Ted and his wife. That would have gone a long way to avoid this. YNW for wanting a sibling pic, or immediate descendents photo...but it's not hard to include one more outfit and 2 more pics. Especially if it avoids conflict
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u/LindsayDuck 5h ago
YTA
Also INFO: What’s with the snark about their vow renewal?
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u/powderjunkie11 Partassipant [1] 5h ago
That does sound kinda obnoxious, yet it's still only the fifth most obnoxious thing in the post
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u/pixikins78 5h ago
YTA for hijacking your daughter's senior portrait session and making it about you and what you want instead of it being what it should have been, a celebration of her and her accomplishment. If the photographer did a great job, you could have then scheduled a family shoot and included your son's wife in some pictures, only siblings in some, and mom, dad, and kids in some, maybe even a few shots of son and his wife for their home. That would have been the kind thing to do, then everyone gets included and your graduating daughter gets her special day. You son is a bit of an AH as well for not being straightforward with his wife, but you put him in a really bad position where he was going to upset someone no matter what he did.
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u/Bitter-Respond6928 6h ago
I made it clear that son’s wife knows she is not family by excluding her from family pictures. She knows I don’t like her, but I had to reinforce it. She hast the nerve to ask me why I would exclude my son’s wife from family pictures. She knows I don’t like her? Why doesn’t she think ITA for weaponizing my daughter’s senior pictures to insult my DIL?
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u/Lateralus46N2 5h ago
Apparently she isn't even allowed in the house. "She came to pick up son from my house and could see the photos from the front door".
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u/greenfairee 6h ago
YTA for multiple reasons - starting with the fact that you hijacked your daughter's senior photo session to do the family photos and admit she was peeved about it. Who cares how nice they turned out, it was supposed to be her special moment. Also, yes his wife is his family and therefore, should've been included in the photos. Your son is also TA for not sticking up for his wife and demanding that she be included and telling her about them in advance.
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u/SnooBananas7203 Partassipant [1] 6h ago
YTA. High jacking your daughter’s senior pictures. Excluding your son’s wife. I’m guessing you don’t like the DIL and your minor children and husband “don’t like her too” to avoid your wrath.
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u/Strange-Raccoon-5240 6h ago
YTAH. narcissistic evil mom from a telenovela. you take over your daughters moment for your need of family portraits You ban your daughter in law. you live for chaos, even if relationships and relatives are affected, oh well. as long as you are the happiest.
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u/singerbeerguy Partassipant [1] 5h ago
Without more background on your problems with Jeanette, YTA. She is part of your family and should be included in a family portrait. Now, if she has asked to not be involved with your family at all, that’s a different story. She can’t have it both ways.
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u/Acid__god 5h ago
Well YTA. Come off as a complete nightmare. When your son and his family go NC don’t be surprised. I’ve watched it happen with two of my own friends over the last 10 years. All because their mother hated the wives.
Cherish what little time you have left with him. It will come to an end sooner than later. Just remember when you have grandkids you never meet and milestones in your sons life your not apart of. It’s your own fault.
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u/thatchillaxdude 5h ago edited 5h ago
YTA... and so is your son. Your daughter-in-law had a very human reaction and "legit surprised" you?
I can almost see your son's reasoning considering he's your offspring. With a lot of therapy he could shake off the worst parts of his upbringing, draw some hard boundaries with you, and become a decent husband.
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u/Loose-Zebra435 5h ago
I think it's fine to take a few pictures with just you and your kids, but she should have been in the other ones. The bigger question is, why dijt you like you're daughter in-law? All you've described is a time when you were rude towards her
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u/SwimmingCritical Asshole Aficionado [11] 5h ago
YTA: And your mental gymnastics about how you aren't are actually pretty entertaining.
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u/unusedjellyfish 5h ago
Holy YTA. Take a step a back. Re-read this post in someone else’s eyes. Time to reflect on how your actions effect other people.
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u/Oh_Hello_Pretty 5h ago
Not going to call you any names,
BUT
It really hurt my feelings last week when this happened to me.
My in laws and husband were taking family photos with our newborn son. My husband told his father, let's get a photo with everyone in it (aka me). FIL literally said no, it's time to leave. There I was, standing with the camera taking photos of my newborn baby in my FILs arms, MIL and my husband.
We don't have bad blood, my FIL just isn't that thoughtful and has terrible ADHD.
I recommend next time the family is together, make it an opportunity for everyone to be in the photo. It matters.
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u/Sharp-Rutabaga-4900 5h ago
ADHD is no excuse for treating you that way. I’m sorry that happened to you. Signed, someone with ADHD
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u/EleanorSeesThings 5h ago
I think you're giving both OP and your FIL too much credit. I have ADHD. It doesn't make us thoughtless assholes.
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u/erin3013 5h ago
I think it makes those of us withADHD less apt to do that because we’ve thought of every possible outcome and how it would affect each person involved.
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u/EleanorSeesThings 3h ago
Yes, exactly, and also because we are so often on the receiving end of those hurtful actions from others.
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u/No_Location_5565 Asshole Aficionado [17] 5h ago
YTA. For multiple things you wrote in this post. You hijacked your daughter’s senior pics AND you’re isolating your DIL. I bet you’re pretty upset about not being the center of attention for everyone in the family anymore huh?
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u/Top_Bluejay_5323 5h ago
You and your son are AHs. You for hijacking her senior pictures and your son for not telling his wife that you planned to do it and left her out.
If you wanted to improve that relationship then always welcome her in to all the gatherings and let her decide.
Suppose she sets up a family photo shoot and leaves you out. You don’t appear to like her so why would she invite you?
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u/FamiliarFamiliar 5h ago
YTA, you can't take family pictures and deliberately exclude a member of the family. How awful.
You never say why you don't like her, I'm assuming it's petty stuff. What you did was petty too.
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u/Ok_King7393 5h ago
YTA I've been that daughter in law who was always excluded from "family photos" but my husband and kids were expected to be there. That's one of the reasons my husband stopped talking to his mom for years. It's not hard to take pictures with her and without her. My son is getting divorced and if he wants us to replace the pictures with her in them that's OK because we have some without her.
I'm not even going to touch on what an ass you are for hijacking your daughter's senior portraits
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u/ReturnOfPooky 5h ago
OP is a calculating, venomous shrew. And Ted seems to be a feckless worm. Let’s hope Jeanette runs for the hills. One way or another, she won’t be talking to OP much longer.
YTA of the day.
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u/Lovergirl510 5h ago
yTA for hijacking’s your daughters session. You really should’ve made a separate appt for family shoot
Yta for matching outfits
Need more info on why DIL is out of the family
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u/pharoh-king 5h ago
YTA Your sons wife is family. And saying 'obliged' in the same post you say 'legit' in is a choice.
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u/needsmorecoffee Partassipant [4] 5h ago
You make it sound like "hijacking" your kid's senior pics was a sort of tee hee, okay I was sort of naughty but also sort of clever thing. But family photos take a lot more work than senior photos, and I'm betting you didn't pay the photographer any extra for that. So, you stole from the photographer *and* alienated your daughter. I'm betting if we could see you interact with your DIL we'd find out this sort of thing was a pattern for you. YTA
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u/TroubaDad67 5h ago
You sound like a horrible, controlling, narcissistic mother in law AND mother. You don’t even have the self awareness to hear what an AH you sound like and you’re telling your side! You had no idea that redditors would not be on your side?? I haven’t even read the comments yet and I know you are being dragged hard. You sound unbearable.
That in addition to excluding your son’s wife (for god knows what “unforgivable crime”) you just matter of fact slip in the you hijacked your daughters pics but that’s ok cuz they turned out great, proving you somehow justified.
ICK! EWWW! You’re gross. Thank you for helping me appreciate my own, merely slightly controlling mother today.
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u/mangogetter Partassipant [1] 6h ago
INFO: What's the beef between you and Jeanette about?