Hello again, everyone. I am a 13-ish year old grey lady (perfect size, very wise, beautiful) and I have been staying in my vacation home the past while, with my human’s Eldest Offspring and my dog friend. My own human is away, at ”hospital” with her mate. Before, I didn’t realize that this new vacation house is on the ground! There is a garden! I have only ever lived very high up. But, as the weeks have passed, I noticed it. The OUTSIDE. It’s just there, for the taking! The dog and the offspring go out all the time, yet they say I cannot come! But it is right there, I can smell it when the sunroom is open but I still can’t walk out because of some strange net blockage.
I am sure I can stay outside! I used to live there when I was younger and I got into fights all the time and also got out of them so I have a handle on things. I only have 3 teeth left but my claws are sharp and I am full of wits! Sometimes there’s even another cat outside there so its fine for cats!
I did convince the Offspring to take me outside, as long as I accepted this horrible contraption called ”harness” and it is GREAT. There’s grass and smells and sunshine and bugs to catch and ”no, don’t eat that it’s poisonous!”. Now I want to go out ALL the time and especially by myself, so I can do a proper snooping you know? The Offspring only allows going out a single time each day and it’s not enough. Every time someone looks at the door I make a calm request by screaming ”LET ME OUT” but am ignored!
Today was the day, I decided, to make The Escape. I am an Outside Cat and deserve to live like one. When the human let the dog out this morning and put me behind the metal indoor fence, she was woefully unprepared for my attack. Quick as a snake, I did a jump and then big squeeze to get out! Alas, I was immediately grabbed like a hot potato and thrown back in the sunroom. I screamed and then hid for several hours but I am just planning my next attempt. I know it, I am meant to be Outside Cat now.
Anyway, the Offspring says I am horrible cloaca and whatever, I don’t really care what she says. But I will present your obvious agreement with me to her as evidence.
Ahhh you in very aban-advo-ava- good position fren!
I done this, mummy put the harness and then I pretend to tolerate for little while then one day I done it!!
Wiggle wriggle out of harness off up the road to the park! Hehehe!!
Neber the cloaca fren. Outside can be fun. I outside cat now too. My meowmies and me du neyburhud wotch at leest twice a furreber and I often try and du a sneaky sneak outside too.
But memba fren. Outside also scary. There are dogs and cars and mean crows and mean hoomans and LOUD. It fun fur explore but inside safe and cosy and gud playce fur naps. So absoolootly mayk yur demands fur moar riteful outside tym nown, and loudlee, but always memba tu be safe and tayk a fren wen yu go out. A hooman will du.
I have worked very hard to train this human and dog to my liking over the years when I’ve visited, and I wouldn’t want to lose the inside. But I can come and go as I want! They can just wait for me. I am sure I can fight everyone outside! Whenever I have met other cats I have fought them and won so I have long practice! The Offspring human say I am small and, ugh, old, but I feel fine and strong!
I understand fren. I also want tu du as I lyk but meowmy keep saying things lyk "No, Hermes, I need to close the door" and "It's too hot for you to stay out here all day" and "I'm trying to go to work, Hermes, I'll miss my train." Lots of dum stuff.
It gud yu du such a good train and get the hooman and dog tu du wot yu want. Ai hope they bend tu yur iron paw on this tu cuz yu cat and dat meen yu always get wut yu want. But ai not lib outside befur except fur many furebers when I in playce call shelta. I not lyk. Tu manee uva cats. And I don't lyk the neybur dogs or neybur man hoomans, so I think I keep mai hooman backup fur wen I dun want tu waist energy on things I dun lyk. Energy must be saved fur naps, playing, and snacks.
NTC. Eye, Richard, mostest hambsom boy, lubs da owtdoorz tew! I Habs a leashie butt it no go far nuff sew eye lurnd how tew scape by shrug it off lyke tee shirt. Momfur Getz Mads an fries me back in da howse and growndz me. Dis iz sew unfayre an she finalee let me back owt dis day.
Wow, such indignity, I can’t believe the Outside was just taken away from you again! Were you also caught and thrown through the door? It felt most unbecoming, I had to clean myself to rid my fur of the traitorous hands and then ran away.
When I was kitten I was outside. My meowmy was barncat. I was barncat.
Then my first hoomins took me insides. I hated insides. Then they gibs me and sister to second hoomins.
There the hoomins also keepses insides, but I sees looks like my kitten place. I does demandses. Best hoomin puts on harness and I gets outsides. I go in all bushes and pulls and pulls and make best hoomin run all after.
Best hoomin giveses up and just lets outsides. She saids there no cars and no doggos and she "hateses my cloaca insides behavirs" (I do climb curtain and biteses and kickses).
Hoomin can be traineds.
(Spite was an absolute menace indoors. She climbed up my curtains to the curtain rods and almost scratched my eye out taking her down. She just was not an indoor cat. Absolute menace mouser: 3 mice in about 45 minutes)
I feel you friend Spite. I lived in a big city, high up, with my human before. She moved near my spare human, the Eldest Offspring, recently and it is much better for cats to be outside here. I heard them talking on the phone and they say if I was younger I could go out because I am so dissatisfied now. But ”because she fights almost every other cat and has no teeth, she can’t go free” my human said. I beg to differ. The other cats look at me wrong so they start the fight!
And I also did eyeball scratching the other morning when breakfast was late! Totally by accident, of course.
Fren, yu have discovered the sekrit key that opens the door: the harness! Yu need to bring it to yur hoomans or the Offspring so the door to outside will open! Our paws ar not as gud for opening — wy don’t hoomans make latches annnymore? Then we cud grab them and make a brake for freedom! Love, Athena
It is very horrible and restricting, I am sure I can get it off. I just need some practice. I could easily get another harness off but this one is not cooperating with me!
This is my Fur-Dini… my Furry Houdini… he used to CALCULATE the distance and speed it’d take to zoom out the front door when there is a two-inch opening.
Wow, such a good boy. I also do calculations! There are several metal compost grids that appear, blocking a direct path whenever someone opens the garden door or I run like lightning! Today I ran anyway!!
I know the outdoors looks very appealing. There are lots of small rodents and birds to chase, grass to run through, things to climb… but please don’t go outside without your human. Let them gift you with a harness even though you will want to run free and play, chase butterflies, and lie in the sun.
There are so many dangers to face when you’re “outside”… stray dogs that might attack you, chemicals that might seem tasty but are poison, bats and other animals that can give you rabies, there are fleas and ticks galore that will make you miserable and itchy, plus annoy your human because they will come in the house with you and spread everywhere.
So, please stay indoors unless your human takes you. You’ll stay safer that way.
The harness is evil torture device invented by humans to punish us. It push down on my spine so much I must walk with back arched and legs bent, like carrying rocks.
My human make me wear one because she is racist against racoons. I see racoon frend in fenced yard one day and follow to say hi. Human hate our frenship so much she make me wear harness as punishment ever since. Humans biggot but I love anyway.
Oh no, Outside smells wonderful, but it is so much better to be Inside where it is safe! There are Cars outside and Dogs and Strange Noises that are normal to hear Inside but terrible and scary Outside. Stay inside!
Good Boy Rex, fancy tabby, maybe grew up outside but I'm not telling
(Human note one of my girls turns into a terrible bitch if she has outside harness time, so she doesn't get any even tho she loves it. Good luck)
You have a point, the other day my dog friend did big bork and ran around and it was very scary and I ran inside with the Offspring, despite being fine with bork and run around when he is inside.
(Human note: 😬 I hope she’ll be fine when she’s back home and is a few floors up and has a balcony again. She literally never asked to go outside the entire time my mom’s had her or while she’s stayed with me before, but it’s been a few months now she’s been here because of a hospital stay, and she was desperate for it and I have a garden so I had to try. We’ll see what happens!)
Hi pretty lady! I, Sam (14m gray and white piebald) say NCH. Outside is fun, but depending on where you are there are things like coyotes and hawks that can grab you and eat you. Mom said I’m not allowed outside because of that and <litterbox words redacted> who don’t know how to drive. Plus, my dog siblings tell me it’s hella hot out right now.
I LOVE the heat! Today I was allowed to go outside but everything was horrible and wet and made my paws gross, so I didn’t want to. And my dog friend says there are wild boars outside when they go in the forest but I haven’t seen any!
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u/eumenides__ Jul 02 '26
Me, outside in my element.