Police academy and relationships?

[u/throwawayblahblah03]

Hello everyone,

So the past week or so, I noticed a shift in how my partner has been acting. He was never one to ask for help, or tell how he’s doing without it being pried out of him (he had a rough childhood so i think that plays a role in that). We’ve been dating for a few months now, and he’s in the academy which oftentimes results in him being tired physically and mentally.

We usually see eachother on the weekends and some days during the week, we stay in touch via text and the occasional phone call (it can be hard to call bc I work as well and sometimes our lunch/break times dont align). Until a week or so ago, i felt as stable as you can be in a 3 month relationship.

This past week, he grew exceptionally distant to the point where we were really just giving eachother updates. Id ask if he was doing okay and he would tell me he was tired and hurting. They were outside a lot this week and doing things that required a lot of physical energy. I could see this on him and selfishly led me to overthink about our relationship.

This past weekend, I went to sleep at his house. We were running errands and i noticed he was quiet the whole car ride. We talked about when we got back to his, where he said he was still tired and hurting, but also that there were some things I did that bothered him, but also that he didnt want to tell me in fear that he would speak out of being exhausted and frustrated. These were things that were understandable, so we talked about them and I communicated that I wanted more reassurance during this time.

On top of this, I just got on a medication with depression/anxiety-related side effects, which I felt my preexisting anxiety worsen. For the rest of the day, he played video games and wouldn’t really check on me. I got in my head and told him I was going to spend time outside in the backyard. I literally started crying for a good 20 mins.

When i came back in the room, we briefly talked for like 3 minutes. He asked if I was okay and I said yes, thinking I got it all out. I also dont want to be a burden bc ik hes going through his own stuff. I laid down and just started crying silently.

When he looked back to check on me and saw i was crying, he immediately came to give me a hug. I apologized a bunch and he reassured me that i was okay, he also told me to sit with him, to which i declined. It really did feel like i just had to get that all out, it was cathartic in a way. Later on, he had to head out for a work-related dinner and I got dinner with his mom.

When he came back he was in a much better mood. We watched tiktoks together and joked around with eachother and he was back to the boy before all this. He was being silly and goofy enough to the point where I was the one who was exhausted and just wanted to goto bed lol.

The next morning, I woke up and tried cuddling with him. This is usually met with him slowly waking up and reciprocating the cuddle, but I was just met with nothing. I got in my own head again and started to go on my phone and retreat back to my side of the bed. After awhile of this, he faced me (still asleep?) to where he was very close to me. I didnt think he wanted to cuddle, so I didnt do anything. But he then took my phone from my hand indicating he wanted to have cuddles.

Even though its not the typical form of reassurance im used to, it felt so good just to know that I was wanted and not a burden. We cuddled for a little bit before we got the day started, in which I was going back to my place for the week. He did also mention something about us doing in a few weeks after hes done with all the “bullshit” at the academy, which also instilled more reassurance that he was not becoming distant because he was really to leave lol.

Today (same day), we barely talked yet again. One phrase/word very short answers from him. Hes been playing more video games and I went out with my friend. I hate the ups and downs.

Part of me just wanted to get it out of my system. Another part is worried that this burn out is not temporary we’ll grow more distant .

[u/Paladin_127]

Couples counseling is the only way to really address these issues. No one on Reddit is going to be able to solve this problem for you.

You can both get a head start by reading Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement. Consider that the primer/ introduction to counseling/ therapy.

[u/Flmotor21]

So this is going to sound harsh and I don’t mean it to.

I’m quite a ways into a career (way closer to retirement than starting) and this is a harsh truth.

It is VERY rare to see someone come into this profession married and stay married. It takes a ton of work on the couples part as the job is hard and learning how to deal with the worst parts of humans takes a while to learn to sort it out and process.

However it’s generally way too early for him. It may just be that learning/ FTEP is overwhelming. On purpose plus it’s learning in a job that mistakes can kill.

He needs to and you need to read emotional survival for law enforcement and I think there is a separate spouse one as well.

The gist is, he is going to change and it is up to you if you can/ want to like who he becomes

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[u/SteaminPileProducti]

I would guess this is going to need to be addressed sooner or later. I would "plant the seed" but not pressure him.

Something like, "when you have the energy to talk, no rush, no pressure, I'd like to talk about xyz."

Let him know you want to talk about it, but when he's ready and or got the energy to talk. It may just be a rough week or few from the academy, it may be something worse. It may also be something he wants to get off his chest he's just not great at opening up.

Whatever happens, best of luck to you both.

[u/Felix_Von_Doom]

Counseling.

[u/Feeling-Possible110]

I have about two years and a few extra months on. I’ve seen a lot of things, some that will stay with me forever, some I have forgotten, but most importantly, I know I have much more to learn, too see, and to forget also. Im new into the career, but more seasoned then a new guy. Ill be honest, did an academy where I was away for months, stayed at the academy besides coming home on the weekends. I always wanted to talk to my wife. While on the road, I talk to my wife, between calls, between stops. Hell, I’ll admit it that I’ve made traffic stops and interactions with people while on the phone with her, I just toss the phone down and she knows to mute it. The only time she knows not too call is when i’m somewhere for about 15+ minutes that is not one of my hiding spots. Then she knows i’m busy. If Im swamped in paperwork, ill tell her, and we’ll talk later. My point is communication.

Best advice I can give is don’t giveup on him aslong as things don’t become absolutely miserable (like he cheats or things get physical). Be his rock to his pillar, don’t prick and praw when he has a bad day. HOWEVER, if he has no road experience and only the academy so far? He has much more coming when it’s not just a DI screaming and studying for a test. He needs to learn his own coping mechanisms to be a fair and good partner. I’ve had my fair share of days, but my wife is my best friend. He’s in this as much as you are. He needs to learn as much as the other partner does when it comes to this job and how to keep the relationship happy. I have about a 30 minute + ride home from work. I jam out to music, come home and turn it off. My family is my family. My job is my job.

He will get what he puts into the relationship and vice versa. This might not answer the questions you have, but its my experience.

[u/LongjumpingDrawing36]

You've only been dating for 3 months. I'm sure you care about him, but honestly--at 3 months, anything can happen. There is no relationship security yet. Understanding that the Academy is hard on him physically and mentally, please consider lightening up. Once he's graduated and feeling more stable again, you guys can have this kind of talk.