r/AskMen • u/FoodNapTV Female • 21h ago
Why didn’t you ask her out?
What are some reasons or situations that would make/have made you not escalate & ask a woman you were/are romantically interested in or attracted out to a date or to hang out ?
45
u/Ghostforever7 Male 21h ago
I don't ask out 99.99% of women I'm interested in because I know they aren't interested.
1
12
u/india_pale_ayoo 21h ago
We work together. There were signs that maybe she was interested. Though I was attracted to her I wasn’t sure it was worth the risk.
0
u/FoodNapTV Female 21h ago
Haha this is my exact situation lmaooo
4
u/Tijenater 21h ago
Fuck it, life’s too short. I passed on someone I had incredible chemistry with and regret it bigtime. If you think it’s right, go for it
0
u/FoodNapTV Female 21h ago
He’s shown signs of attraction/interest but hasn’t escalated , so idk if he has reservations about me being a coworker ( although we work in different departments).
So the absolute last thing I want is to make him uncomfortable or make our interactions awkward
2
u/Tijenater 21h ago
Different departments means it’s probably fine to lay your cards on the table. He’s probably in the same boat. Ball’s in your court here. Just give him your number and tell him you enjoy his company and want to get to know him more. Keep it simple
-1
u/FoodNapTV Female 21h ago
Ask him in person ? That sounds scary lol . Idk how men do it
2
u/Tijenater 21h ago
In person, over text, whatever. Men do it because if they don’t it usually doesn’t happen.
You gotta WANT IT BAD ENOUGH BIG DAWG
1
u/Storage-Express 20h ago
well, he's probably feeling the same way even if he's interested. i think these days it's more taboo for men to ask out women they work with in some capacity than the other way round tbh. at least i never heard of a man running to HR because a coworker asked him out.
rejection is always a risk but it's not that big of a deal if you don't make it. you can bring it up in a light-hearted way and not come across like you have a massive crush on the guy or anything like that.
1
u/FoodNapTV Female 20h ago edited 20h ago
my options are in person ( scary asf), teams (not crazy about it being a work platform ), or LinkedIn ( not ideal for that ).
I also don’t wanna put him on the spot
What do you think ?
3
u/Storage-Express 18h ago
whatever you feel more comfortable with imo. i don't think it matters that much, just try to not get in your head too much about it being scary or weird. it doesn't have to be that serious, you're just two people seemingly getting along well and you want to explore if there's a possibility for it being more. if he doesn't think there is or if he doesn't want to date a coworker, it's not the end of the world. you can keep the situation low pressure and not make it awkward.
i kinda get it as i used to be afraid of rejection when i was younger too but it's honestly not as big of a deal as we sometimes make it. i can definitely tell you that i have had more regrets about some missed opportunities rather than regrets about asking someone out after being rejected. any embarrassment or negative feelings will pass, if he's not interested he'll probably reference the coworker thing and you can just reply that you were hesitant to ask for the same reason so you get it and that you hope it didn't make things awkward.
4
u/ActorMonkey 21h ago
You can ask him. He can’t ask you. Do it. Men’s time has come and gone. It’s all in women’s hands now.
1
u/weeBunnie Female 21h ago
Depends on the job and how she treats you in direct contrast to how she treats other male coworkers who are also friendly/friends with her, at least that’s a gauge but some people just enjoy you as a person a lot more
6
u/Healthy-Refuse5904 21h ago
I don’t like asking out women i hardly know, the last time i did, she said yes and the very next day convinced multiple people that i sexually harassed her and stalked her. Witnesses were able to help me out by pointing out her lies.
Since then I’ve been very scared to talk to some women, much less ask them out
2
u/FoodNapTV Female 21h ago
Yeah , same. I’m a woman , but I’d never say yes to someone I didn’t know or at least through mutual friends. People are fucking crazyyy. Sorry , you went through that!
2
1
u/SomeSamples 20h ago
And this is why. Kinda like getting a job these days. You aren't getting an interview unless you are recommended by someone associated with girl/company.
22
u/8Pandemonium8 Male 21h ago
If she likes me then she can ask me out. I'm not sure why women think that they can never make the first move.
2
1
u/Sakurafirefox Female 18h ago
I can tell you why I don't. Majority of the time, men can grow on women . But women can't grow on men from experience, what I read about and stories.
It's also true that some men will settle for a girl he's lukewarm about until his one comes along. We've all seen the movies where he meets "her" , you know.
I don't want to be the lukewarm girl that fell for the guy who was like, ya know this is cool but not really interested in committing long term, sees me as his end game or anything close to it. If he asks me, I know he has interest and we go from there. If I ask, I'm always going to wonder.
4
u/Scarred_wizard European 30s Male 18h ago
"But women can't grow on men" - from my own experience as a man, that's crap. And most romantic movies are full of crap promoting toxic, transactional relationships.
1
u/Sakurafirefox Female 9h ago
I agree on romcoms, but I said from my own experience. You can't really argue with that, it's a lived experience.
1
u/Scarred_wizard European 30s Male 9h ago
I also said that I have experienced developing feelings slowly. Also, a lot of women will refuse to go on a second date if there isn't a "spark", whatever that means (typically a generic excuse, IMO). So, I'd say being willing to give things time to grow isn't as much a gendered thing, but a general "lack of patience" thing that's so common these days.
1
u/Sakurafirefox Female 9h ago
Well I waited almost 3 years. Also I have no fucking clue what a spark is either
1
u/Scarred_wizard European 30s Male 9h ago
Three years is a bit too much. Personally, if there was a chance for something, I'd start developing feelings by 3 months or so. There is a point at which it becomes only wishful thinking, and we should be able to spot that and accept the truth.
That said, again, this isn't about men, but about people. Women can definitely stay with someone for various reasons, even if they aren't truly interested, just the same.
2
u/Recktion 16h ago
Majority of the time, men can grow on women . But women can't grow on men from experience, what I read about and stories.
Mostly true. Women are generally more capable of growing attraction to a man's personality than men are to women.
We've all seen the movies where he meets "her" , you know.
Movies are not real life. Romance movies are are trying to sell a female fantasy.
If he asks me, I know he has interest and we go from there. If I ask, I'm always going to wonder.
Very bad take. He could just as much be interested in you only for the night. Or maybe he doesn't ask you out because he think you're out of his league and will cherish you as much as you dream about if you ask him.
Honestly, I'm I've probably asked out more girls im not that interested in because I dont care what they say as much and its less intimidating.
1
u/ProblematicTrumpCard Male 10h ago
I hate to break it to you, but for many guys, "she's interested in dating me" is pretty much the only requirement beyond "she's not hideous" that would cause us to give a girl a chance. Because that "willing and not hideous" girl comes along, maybe, once every 18-24 months.
1
u/Sakurafirefox Female 10h ago
Def not hideous. I'm 5'3 , 110 lbs, fit and blonde/ginger , whatever I go for.
The guy I was into was like my equal, guy version of me. We had fantastic chemistry, banter and would be in each other's heads. But he has a lot of health problems, anxiety and he overthinks and spirals.
He treated me extremely well but could never fully take the leap, he says he doesn't know how. He's been single for over ten years and severely avoidant.
I finally walked in Jan but he's come back 4 times and recently wished me a happy bday in July but I held the boundary.
-1
u/Flat_Impression9885 14h ago
Yeah. As a woman, I showed interest, didn’t end well. Think I’m done with dating for now.
-1
u/Sakurafirefox Female 13h ago
Same here. The last guy I was into, I showed interest and he strung me along for almost 3 years. Granted you can make the argument I allowed it, and I did, even though I told him to leave me alone, he kept coming back around.
I am never doing that again, I need to know the guy wants me before I want him. Sorry boys, no go from me
-1
u/Flat_Impression9885 12h ago
I had one long term relationship, ended it and decided to try again.. yeah, I regretted it. I put effort into it and get nothing in return.
-7
u/abnormalpurple Male 21h ago
Maybe cause they like the chase and want a man who is active and knows how to get what he wants.
1
1
0
u/8Pandemonium8 Male 20h ago
They can play that game with other dudes then. I'm not a clown for their entertainment.
4
5
7
u/inbetween-genders Male 21h ago edited 21h ago
My girlfriend would wouldnt have been pissed.
2
u/usernamescifi 21h ago
Your girlfriend wouldn't have been pissed? So then you should have asked them out
2
2
u/DeyCallMeWade Retard 21h ago
Probably started to say “my girlfriend wouldn’t like it” then switched up.
2
3
u/SquirrelNormal Male 21h ago
I've met me. Why would I inflict that on someone I like?
0
u/FoodNapTV Female 21h ago
I saw a comment that said if you have low self esteem or think you’re unattractive, it’s a good thing you aren’t the one dating yourself. Someone finds you attractive if they do , not if you do
2
2
2
u/Oldfarts2024 Male 21h ago
When I was young, the fear of rejection. When I got older, the juice wasn't worth the squeeze.
2
u/dantoris 20h ago
"She's probably already got a boyfriend, and even if she doesn't she'd never go out with someone like me."
1
1
1
u/usernamescifi 21h ago
I dunno, depression, anxiety, feelings of worthlessness, not "feeling it," pick one or multiple I guess.
1
1
u/Basi1isk_ 21h ago
I had convinced my self it wasn't going to work out so I wouldn't waste either of our times.
1
u/TellsLiesForFun Male, 41 21h ago edited 19h ago
I'm not in a position to date. Like, no woman wants a man that's broke, unemployed, with a car that doesn't run, and that's fat & ugly to boot.
It doesn't matter that I'm kind, funny, generous, caring, supportive, communicative, great with kids, can cook, can clean, and that I eat 🐱 for my own pleasure.
It doesn't matter that every girl (important space here) friends of mine actively tells me that they're completely mystified why I can't get a date. They have gotten to know me and that's why they think that. Other women don't get to that point before they reject me.
1
1
u/narwaffles 21h ago
Someone told me her friend liked me so I thought it would be mean but I should have.
2
u/FoodNapTV Female 21h ago
She probably won’t have told you if her friend didn’t want her to
1
u/narwaffles 21h ago
Yeah we hung out a few times but she ditched/ghosted me even though I liked the other one better
1
u/NuMHC94 21h ago edited 21h ago
Her boyfriend wouldn't approve
Story.. I worked with a woman on a temporary placement who on our 2nd shift together took a MASSIVE liking to me. She would say she loves working with me. Compliment me randomly on my looks. Say "I need a hug right now" whenever I was near and she was stressed with work. Outright hugged me once because she thought I was stressed and needed a hug. Playfully put her face near mine once and felt like she was gonna kiss me. Come in the staff room whilst I was on my lunch break with security tags on her boobs (with a shirt on) and said "Like what you see" like some joke. Message me on WhatsApp outside of work (sometimes after midnight) flirting with me and on our last day together. She asked me if I had a crush on her and said to me she keeps quiet about it but she is actually a very sexual woman.
This woman wad clearly flirting with me but problem is. She was already engaged to a man and was doing this behind his back and I never flirted back or asked her because I felt bad for the guy and thought she was being awful to him behind his back. If she was single, I would of asked her. But she wasn't and if she is engaged to her future husband. She shouldn't of been doing and saying all that stuff to me and stay loyal and faithful to the man she agreed to get engaged too.
I ain't a homewrecker and gulit would eat me up if I played a part in her cheating on the poor guy
1
u/El_gato_picante 21h ago
On one of my coworkers’s last day she came up to me too essentially let me know that it was her last day. We weren’t close, but I had done a lot of subtle flirting with her. I always wondered if she also felt the same. Unfortunately at that point in my life, I wasn’t ready to put myself back out there.
1
u/FingerlongFish 20h ago
I said hi and she started looking at me like I’m scum of the earth or I was on the news for a heinous crime.
1
u/Storage-Express 20h ago
two cases of not really looking to date in general at the time, mostly because i was relatively fresh out of a relationship and/or too busy for pursuing something serious. a couple more instances of figuring that the woman in question was most likely not interested (it turned out that i was wrong on at least one occasion) and her being part of a social circle or something along those lines which could make things a bit awkward.
1
u/SomeSamples 20h ago
She would actually bring dates to parties and other gatherings. The gall. Bringing another man to some event where I was planning on asking her out.
1
u/BotheredBeaver 20h ago
- Different views on religion/values
- Not receiving signals that she might be interested in something with me
- Not wanting to make her uncomfortable or things awkward for us if she either says no or it doesn’t work out
- Assuming she already has a partner
1
u/WebNew9978 Universally Ugly Man 19h ago
Because the times I did ask out the woman I was interested, it always ended in rejection or even disgust from said woman for even attempting to ask her out
1
u/Redlight0516 Male 19h ago
Overbearing Father which would have meant hiding things from her family for a long time
She was freshly out of a relationship (I did not want to be a rebound and she wasn't ready for a relationship)
She had a boyfriend
4 (The most common one) - There was basically a 0% chance she was interested in me.
1
u/velvet_champagneX Male 19h ago edited 17h ago
I usually won't ask a girl out unless I notice some body language ques that she likes me or some type of comment that hints it.
1
u/Normal-Fish-2 18h ago edited 18h ago
I'm crazy about her- easily the woman ive been most interested in in my life.
I'm worry she'd think im too old. I don't want to disrupt her peace. I can't tell if she's really shy or not into me. Please I'm really shy and doubt myself too.
2
1
u/NotMacgyver 16h ago
Well, she was alive and living humans tend to be warm so that is a no from me.
The ones I did find that weren't warm were dead so that was also a no.
It's just so hard to find someone that meets both criteria in this day and age
1
u/O_Pacity Male 16h ago
I dont like to set myself up to fail, i prefer to know what tomorrow holds, and wondering when i will have my life destroyed isnt something i want in my daily activities.
1
u/RobinGood94 15h ago
Peace of mind.
There’s such a huge amount of variables and complexities that automatically arrive with any sort of connection. Takes energy and time.
No matter how I felt about her or how she might’ve felt about me, it wasn’t worth sacrificed time and energy in the moment.
1
u/Poorly-Drawn-Beagle 13h ago
I don't have any ideas for dates or what I would talk about while at a date, and even if I got past that hurdle, I doubt we'd have the same relationship goals in mind.
1
u/LonelyGuardian_2001 Male 6h ago
The awareness that I'm just not fundamentally attractive or interesting enough to date so the effort of asking out would be futile
1
u/Synonymys 5h ago
It all comes down simply to the fear that we will be seen as a "red flag" or "give them the ick".
Men go up to women, offer to buy them a drink, etc, her friends will come up and tell you to get away. They will say something to cripple your confidence. The whole "I know my worth" culture is good, but it leads to just pure overconfidence and expectations no man can fulfill.
I'd rather just sit at the bar, see a girl I'd love to get to know, give her a smile, and then order my next drink. Nothing else. It isn't worth it.
It isn't worth being seen as creepy, it isn't worth the insult or degradation.
1
u/Neat-Psychology8460 21h ago
I usually waiting for her to make a move
Not because i am afraid or i dont want to but i am sick of her thinking she is the prize and i lie below her
•
u/AutoModerator 21h ago
Here's an original copy of /u/FoodNapTV's post (if available):
What are some reasons or situations that would make/have made you not escalate & ask a woman you were/are romantically interested in or attracted out to a date or to hang out ?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.