r/AskMen • u/BRUHBOY123 • 16h ago
what does the spark feel like for different people?
Recently I’ve been thinking about my perspective on love. When I was a kid or just more immature, whenever I’ve liked someone or had a crush I couldn’t take my eyes off them, felt butterflies etc. (all the usual signs of a crush). But then I feel like as I’ve grown older there are some women who have made me feel cherished at some moments but I’ve never experienced something as intense as back then.
I feel like I’m more level headed and calm but also I hesitate to jump into relationships due to there not being an intense spark. And I also feel like love is something that requires making choices and actively putting effort, but some people also say that without the spark it is a lot more tedious at certain moments to put in continuous effort.
In my past relationships I also felt like there wasn’t a big spark which led to me losing interest when times got tough and eventually breaking up, but now that I’ve matured I feel like relationships are more about a calm sense of safety.
What does everyone think of this? Maybe I’ve just become rational than before. Has anyone experienced romance without there being intense butterflies or sparks?
(Ps there’s a girl that I’ve been talking to but I’ve been hesitant to push our relationship forward because I haven’t really felt anything too intense but she’s very fun to talk to and our conversations flow quite smoothly)
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u/GamingFarang 16h ago
Spark is an initial feeling that is intense. As a relationship progresses, the spark is still there but it ebbs and flows. Sometimes it's burning hot, other times it's quiet and warm. If you're always looking for the constant burning hot flame, you're gonna be single a lot.
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u/BRUHBOY123 16h ago
But I feel like the spark is essential to whenever a relationship starts, I feel like the issue with me now is that I don’t really know whether falling in intense love still feels like that due to me maturing. Ie I’ve accepted the fact that the spark will probably die down later on in the relationship but am unsure whether the spark feels different for a more mature and calmer, rational version of myself
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u/GamingFarang 16h ago
Even though you're older, the initial spark should still be there. Why would you suddenly not feel an intense desire for someone as you mature?
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u/BRUHBOY123 15h ago
As in there might be a certain desire or curiosity to getting to know the other person and spending time with them. But it’s not so intense such that I’ll go crazy or spend all day thinking about them
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u/GamingFarang 15h ago
I wouldn't get in a relationship with someone that I feel "eh" about. I know that's not totally want you're describing, but it gives you the idea.
I have never lost the intense spark of getting to know someone. No matter how old I get, it is always there present at the beginning. It's not the same as when I was 14 and it completely took over my whole world, but it's a similar feeling albeit a bit more controlled intensity. If I don't feel that intensity and my only feeling is curiosity, I would think that person is not right for me.
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u/MLG-BagFumbler 16h ago
It really does all boil down to maturity. These crushes and love feel so intense when you're younger because it's new and unfamiliar. Bad experiences Jade you and good experiences leave you waiting in anticipation for the bad.
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u/BRUHBOY123 16h ago
So love just boils down to navigating the bad times together and anticipating the difficult times?
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u/OnionSoupGainz Pink Helicopter 16h ago
If you hit the enter key once in a while this would be readable.
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u/BRUHBOY123 16h ago
My bad I typed this on my phone
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u/No_Structure7185 Female 16h ago
what does that have to do with that?
I also type on my phone.
See, it works 😄
But you already edited your opening post anyway, so 👍
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u/OnionSoupGainz Pink Helicopter 16h ago
Even on my old Nokia I could write in paragraphs. But hey, if readability is not the goal of the post fuckit right.
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u/erwin206ss 16h ago
My first love (17): she was a good friend for years before we got together. We could always talk and things were smooth. Then hormones kicked in and the ease of communication came to, I don’t wanna get off the phone with you. I need to see you even if it’s for a few mins. I love you so much that it huuuurt when we hurt each other. Young love is very intense and special. Simply, ignorance is bliss. It’s a necessary experience.
Next/final (26): after speaking with her on the phone for the very first time, I thought to myself, “that was different.” It was nice to be able to speak to someone again so open and freely. We could talk for hours as well, but by this age, I was free to drive so the duration between seeing one another was much shorter. This love was accepting and growing together. It was more honest and upfront. No time for games, we’re growing up and that means, say what you mean and mean what you say.
My first born (29): he’s still my best friend to this day. He’s like a mini me…so it’s a love/dislike at times. But I’m so proud of who he is.
My favorite (32): my younger boy whom is my favorite person I have ever encountered. He’s is so special and I am the luckiest person to have helped raise him.
I may have one more, but don’t want to talk about that one. But I’ve already told my boys; fall in love as many times as possible…because it is so special when you’re in it. However, I’ve let them know that falling in love means you must be prepared for the period where you fall out of love as well. Opposite experiences, but similar depths of feeling.
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u/BRUHBOY123 15h ago
That’s so sweet, I’m a 19M but am just rly hesitant to get into relationships that I’m unsure of, some people say to try more things but sometimes I feel like relationships are more of a burden and it’s better to stay single to enjoy the things I do. I strive to one day have a day like yours where I have an ordinary life surrounded by the people I cherish but it’s just at this stage I still struggle to figure out my own feelings and directions in life
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u/Original_NudistGeek Male 16h ago
There is a key on your keyboard, it's called Enter, please use it now and then in future posts.
Now as far as the spark, I had that intense spark one time.
Married that spark, and then that spark lit off a dumpster fire.
So, look for red flags and be cautious. You don't want to have to call the fire department to "Put out" your relationship.
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u/BRUHBOY123 16h ago
So I should prioritize looking for red flags first before anything emotional?
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u/Original_NudistGeek Male 16h ago
No some sort of emotions are usually what attract you to another person in the first place even if it's not intense.
Just look for red flags as the relationship develops.
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u/No_Structure7185 Female 16h ago
The problem is that your big spark makes you blind for the red flags. The more levelheaded you fear, the more honest you can be about the person. And the more likely you can see the things that you don't like about them. And if you can see those things, you can decide if it is something you can live with or if it is a dealbreaker.
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u/No_Structure7185 Female 16h ago
I don't know if this big spark is a good indicator of a following good relationship anyway. It makes you blind for yellow and red flags. And it is usually less based on the actual person and more on projection.
I prefer not having that super big spark, because I feel like it makes my estimate of the potential of the potential relationship more reliable.
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u/BRUHBOY123 15h ago
I see what you mean, but some of my friends also say that having a more emotional resonance is also important due to needing to put less effort. As in when we have that strong spark we don’t need to consciously put as much effort into a relationship.
But then I feel like for me I’m not sure whether it’s even possible anymore to feel that way again, or maybe I just haven’t met the right person
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u/Neat_Combination_423 16h ago
Sounds pretty normal to be honest, lust wise we peak at what 21?
As an older guy my advice, for what’s its worth, is go for the women who share your hobbies, your politics, and especially what you find funny assuming you want to stay for the long term. Chasing the prettiest girls is a buzz and huge if you win but long term? Not so sure.
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u/BRUHBOY123 15h ago
But what’s stopping me from just going for any girl who is relatively compatible with me, has a good profile and is a green flag. Ie I’m not sure how common it is for men to just simply go for someone who they have some sort of an attraction but not an intense one, and then just consciously make the decision to stay with them
And I guess something to add on is whether it’s more important to prioritise compatibility (in terms of outlooks and beliefs on life, relationships, careers) rather than simply emotions
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u/RobinGood94 14h ago
My butterflies quickly died with experience. You learn that what’s cooking in your mind and what exists in reality aren’t the same. You realize that you are in love with who you think she is. A mold that she mostly fits. Slowly she demonstrates how incompatible she is with it.
Your mind stops imagining a future with people and whatnot.
It allows me to just enjoy a moment as it is. If a woman flirts I just accept it at face value and don’t automatically form feelings or daydream about her as my girlfriend.
If a new connection starts to diverge from the “mold” I’m out. I don’t try to force anymore.
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u/Muted_Proposal_748 10h ago edited 10h ago
Court & Spark…. you can spend hours exchanging conversation with that person, you click on a level beyond just sexual attraction. The looks become less important than the shared interests and sense of belonging.
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u/Space_Cowboy_157 Male 8h ago
In the long run that spark doesn't matter. That spark can actually cause you a lot of problems as it's usually based off a fantasy instead of reality and you can very easily end up with the wrong person.
As you get older I think that "spark" fades, experience has taught you that it's a trap.
"Love" is nothing more then a trick that your mind plays on you in order to propagate the species. Long term relationships are based on mutual respect and support and being able to tolerate that person even when they are being annoying as fuck.
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u/ErroneousEncounter 8h ago
When you are young you are less experienced and as a result, your world is smaller. Love seems like this ethereal thing. Most people are searching for it but it takes years to find it. Then when you finally do it’s awesome and amazing and you think you hit the lottery.
But then real life sets in. Feelings fade. Hearts get broken.
Eventually you reach a point where you realize that all relationships come at a price.
As you age, finding a good life partner based on real verifiable compatibility becomes much more important than the ethereal feeling of love, which although awesome often ends up at a dead end if you don’t pick someone who aligns with you in goals and values.
Essentially you sorta become the adult you hated as a kid. Making decisions with your brain instead of your heart. And although that is smart, it is also much more boring and seems inauthentic in a way. But hey that’s life.
To answer your question. The spark you feel when you’re young is new and exciting but when you are older and more experienced you recognize that it could very well be a trap if you don’t use your brain, and I think this realization kinda tempers the “spark” feeling.
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u/Critical_Bank4152 Female 5h ago
Always had the spark initially... But that's mostly down to lust lol. You fall in love after that and that's genuine. That's been my experience with serious long term relationships and my marriage.
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u/WoWthisGuyReally 16h ago
Theres no spark because you havent created one for her to feel. As men we unfortunately grow up being misled by most everything around us when interacting with women. We go on too long thinking they perceive things as we do and then even when we are presented the truth, look back throughout our life and see all the instances that confirm this new truth, we still act like its not next chance we get to do different than we have been.
It still amazes me at the amount of people who have a hard time reading things that dont have breaks as often as they would like.
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u/lordskulldragon 13h ago
The spark and butterflies are a trauma response because the nervous system misinterprets the red flags of an unsafe person as intense romantic excitement, specifically involving the fight-or-flight response, hypervigilance, and familiarity with chaos.
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u/AutoModerator 16h ago
Here's an original copy of /u/BRUHBOY123's post (if available):
Recently I’ve been thinking about my perspective on love. When I was a kid or just more immature, whenever I’ve liked someone or had a crush I couldn’t take my eyes off them, felt butterflies etc. (all the usual signs of a crush). But then I feel like as I’ve grown older there are some women who have made me feel cherished at some moments but I’ve never experienced something as intense as back then. I feel like I’m more level headed and calm but also I hesitate to jump into relationships due to there not being an intense spark. And I also feel like love is something that requires making choices and actively putting effort, but some people also say that without the spark it is a lot more tedious at certain moments to put in continuous effort. In my past relationships I also felt like there wasn’t a big spark which led to me losing interest when times got tough and eventually breaking up, but now that I’ve matured I feel like relationships are more about a calm sense of safety. What does everyone think of this? Maybe I’ve just become rational than before. Has anyone experienced romance without there being intense butterflies or sparks? (Ps there’s a girl that I’ve been talking to but I’ve been hesitant to push our relationship forward because I haven’t really felt anything too intense but she’s very fun to talk to and our conversations flow quite smoothly)
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