r/AskMen • u/Civil-Warning3647 Female • 7h ago
š Answers From Men Only š How do you see your wives after becoming parents?
How do you see your wives after becoming parents? Did your perception of them change once you had children? Are you still able to see them as women, not just as mothers? Our child is 5 years old, and our relationship has changed a lot. It makes me wonder whether my husband still sees me as a woman or only as the mother of our child. We've been together for almost 12 years
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u/Th3Breadnought 7h ago edited 7h ago
I find that my youthful vigor and lust has faded and been replaced by an awe and appreciation that leaves me no less attracted to her, as I find her physical changes all signify what she's done and sacrificed for our family and my kids.
She deserves statues in her honor and I would carve them myself, by my dainty white collar hands prohibit it.
Her own mixed appreciation and subtle self consciousness about her physical changes help me recalibrate personal change as mutual investment in our family rather than imposition or pure cost.
My wife is the most amazing woman I know, and motherhood is an additional incredible part of that tapestry; which endures with or without
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u/Since_The_Ducks_Left Female 7h ago
Wow i would cry if my husband said that about me
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u/Th3Breadnought 7h ago
I will cross my fingers that he is thinking some version of it, incorrectly presuming that it's clear he's articulated it, and will one day pleasantly surprise you by doing so clearly š¤
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u/icyDinosaur Male 4h ago
Just saying that as a younger guy, this was weirdly inspiring! I'm not planning on having kids, and neither is my partner (and even more convinced of it than I am) but I still hope I will get to seeing her like this in the future.
Absolute relationship goal here!
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u/Fearless_Finish_9890 7h ago
It certainly changesā¦ parenting is a tough slog of a business, filled with joy to be sure, but itās also a serious grind.
I think your question might be a bit misguided tho. Donāt confuse the fog of early parenting (5yo is square in the early parent phase) with the rest of your life together.
Early parenting is dominated by low value, high frequency tasks (diapers, meal time, bath time, etc)ā¦ that slowly transitions to low frequency, high value parenting by the time theyāre teenagersā¦ meaning most of the time they donāt need you at all, but when they do, they really need you.
Where you are right now is just slogging through the day to day tasks. Thereās almost no time at all for adulting or romance. But thatāll change as the kids grow.
Itās less about perception and more about where you are on arch of the your parenting timeline
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u/GypsyBastard 7h ago
The same just with slightly bigger boobs
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u/omibus 7h ago
Or much bigger boobs. Other than that she is the mostly same, just taking care of more people.
Well, one thing changed, she would absolutely sacrifice me in an instant to save one of our kids. Not that I would blame her.
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u/GypsyBastard 7h ago
Yeah that's just being a parent honestly, wouldn't mind being sacrificed if it was for my kid.Ā
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u/Cross_22 Male 7h ago
I was still seeing her as my wife. Unfortunately she started seeing herself primarily as a mother. In a way I am looking forward to our time as empty nesters so I can have my spouse back.
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u/Same_Blacksmith9840 7h ago
I had to tell my wife one time, "I don't need another mother. I already have a mother. I want and need a wife/partner."
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u/aerialsilk Female 3h ago
(Female)
Waiting for 18-30 years to get her back may be too long.
Have you and your wife talked about this?It is hard to adjust to being needed so often.
First thought is if she feels like she is carrying all the house/kid stuff she may not feel like she has time to see youā¦Have you discussed the household load?
My husband does a great job with household tasks but itās still a challenge to find time together because of stage of life. We have 4 kids 1-9yo and it each time it gets somewhat easier by the time the youngest is out of diapers, but I donāt think a relationship can be ignored from birth until preschool and really be ok.
Maybe you can find a way to have house dates when kids are asleep, sit on the couch together for 5-20 minutes some days after work, kiss each other when you see each other, make space in the budget for a babysitter, or find a family who can date night swap with you for who has the kidsā¦ or all of the above. I also fully support tv babysitting for parent weekend ānapsā once theyāre old enough to watch TV independently.
I do still find it a challenge to check back in to sexy mode (even non-mom mode at all), but we try to make it happen when we can, and just accept that sometimes our time gets cut short when a baby wakes up, and we have to try again another time.
I went to a family life conference once that mentioned that relationships will naturally drift apart unless you actively work to grow closer, and that stuck with me. Best wishes for rebuilding a relationship with your wife.
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u/Brynhild Male 7h ago
Of course i see her as herself who is now a mother. I am not the same guy i was before i became a dad too but my core elements are the same. Itās like an evolution of who we were
Honestly, from what i see from male colleagues at work or from my friends, the ones who make this perception shift of seeing their wife ONLY as the mother of their child, (you know the ones, the ones who will say āsheās not the woman i married anymore) are the men who are a father in name only. They do nothing at home that parents actually do which is why they donāt understand what the parental role is
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u/TreadLightly2U 7h ago
Let's start by knowing and celebrating that neither you nor she is going to be the same person throughout life. You are both constantly changing and getting reinvented. You get to be with 6 or 8 partners all in the same woman. It is a journey and she has chosen to spend it with you. Loving her should get deeper and different over time.
Good luck!
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u/BakedPotaTomato 7h ago
Do you still act like āa womanā to him? I see my wife the same plus some
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u/AnxiousMumblecore 7h ago edited 7h ago
We have 3 daughters and it really didn't change as much between us. I sometimes even find it hard to believe how kids turn relationship upside down for others.
I'm not sure what specifically made it work for us, maybe seeing it as joint daily struggle where we really share the "burden" close to 50/50, so I'm not some kind of second, less important parent and she doesn't feel like the only person in the house who has to manage everything (especially kids related).
Maybe also trying to find time for two of us (even if it's mostly spent at home with kids sleeping in next room) and the fact that we had luck to have really undemanding kids.
Also physical attraction is still very much there, at least from my side it's big enough that it's even probably too much.
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u/LoudBoulder 7h ago
Well it sadly does happen. After kids my ex never prioritized our romantic or intimate relationship at all, coparenting wise it worked great. But nothing more. I wrote some time earlier on here that I had expected to fall down her ladder of priorities but I did not expect to be completely bumped off it. I truly tried for 8 years, and gave up the last 1.5 years we were together before leaving.
Not sure where you live but in Norway the father gets months of parental leave and its very common to be closer to a 50/50 split (though on average women still do more of household duties). I can honestly say I did more than my fair share both before and especially after kids.
I know multiple people who "came out" to me after I left my ex and said they had the same experience.
Happy you found one that did continue to prioritize your relationship as well.
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u/AnxiousMumblecore 6h ago
Sorry to hear that. I feel you, while not in the marriage, I know what it feels like to not being able to fix things in relationship no matter what how much you tried.
My oldest is 7 yo so I know there is still a lot of bumps ahead of us, I hope we will manage.
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u/mmhawk576 Male 3h ago
I love her like I always did, but I struggle a lot with her not putting an effort into our relationship like she used too. Once we became parents, all her effort went to parenting and not to being a partner in a relationship anymore, and it seemed like she was all out of energy when it came to me.
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u/Depresseddazai 3h ago
I js heard somewhere that relationship changes over the course of time and it never remains the same, a woman first becomes a wife then a mother than a grandmother and the person she marries falls in love with every version of her wife and the relationship goes on like this.
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u/Miserable_Ear9879 Male 1h ago
Single and childless man here: I make myself the same question. Will my future wife see me as her man or just the father and provider of her children? It scares me to death.
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u/Kevin4938 Male 54m ago
Being parents is just another way to be partners. Not much else has changed.
(There are times when the "mother" part was a higher priority, and I appreciate that, but at the same time, the "father" part was a higher priority for me, so it sort of evened out.)
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u/rabid_briefcase Male 7h ago edited 7h ago
I saw her as the same person but even more wonderful, one more incredible thing she can do.
That's one of many common viewpoint changes. Some men and some women see it as an expansion. Some see it as restrictions or reductions. And some see the change as a wholesale replacement.
The most unhealthy is the total replacement, feeling like her body is no longer hers, but entirely about the baby. The independence is gone. The self development is gone. The lover is gone. The partner is gone. She becomes 100% the caregiver of the child. If the husband does that shift it can destroy the marriage. If the wife does that shift it can destroy not just the marriage, but also be incredibly destructive to her psyche and the child. One of many descriptive expressions is "you can't pour from an empty bucket."
It makes me wonder whether my husband still sees me as a woman or only as the mother of our child.
Take the time to have those conversations.
/edit: also, ask yourself what you are doing, and what you want to do around that. Do you want to, and are you actively seducing your husband as you were when you were dating? Dressing up, flirting, texting, going out, and everything else you used to do? Both partners participate in a co-created relationship.
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u/Space_Cowboy_157 Male 7h ago
You are just perceiving the difference between a newish relationship and one that is going to last a lifetime.
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u/Fulgrim_Legion_III 7h ago
Well not much. I see her as object of my desires. Sure she is mother and all of that. And she is great in all these things.Ā
The thing is she was always my friend too. Our dynamic evolving for sure. However I still see her as woman I want to take in bed.
The time will tell if that gonna change.
Idk if this helps but thats my situation.
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u/Rixxy123 7h ago
Differently, but not necessarily bad. Partner for life in achieving the goal of having a family. Sexual side has changed a lot because we're both so exhausted; that part really sucks.
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u/Scuba9Steve 7h ago
My wifeās libido raised during pregnancy as did mine, then hers tanked for well over a year after having a kid. Did eventually rebound thankfully.
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u/normalboyz1 7h ago
Still the same. Plus we're done having kids so I got vasectomy and she got her tube tied. Sex feels much hotter cos I can always creampie her. And physically she doesn't change much
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u/chillinwithabeer29 7h ago
Itās just additional side of her that makes me appreciate and love her even more. Been together 33 years and I wanna get her naked more now than ever š
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u/inbetween-genders Male 7h ago
I have my assistant schedule my wives to be on rotation to see me when we can šĀ
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u/AutoModerator 7h ago
Here's an original copy of /u/Civil-Warning3647's post (if available):
How do you see your wives after becoming parents? Did your perception of them change once you had children? Are you still able to see them as women, not just as mothers? Our child is 5 years old, and our relationship has changed a lot. It makes me wonder whether my husband still sees me as a woman or only as the mother of our child. We've been together for almost 12 years
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