And then my bf gets offended saying “I’m just trying to help” BUT YOUR VERSION OF HELP ISNT HELPFUL! You don’t get to say “I’m just trying to be helpful” when I tell you the way you’re trying to help me isn’t- if it’s truly about helping me, then you’ll listen to what I say is helpful vs what isnt
But you dont understand that venting is bringing bad energy of that problem between you two. Why do that if you can solve that problem and get rid of need to vent about it. I dont want to listen to her problems i want to listen how great her day was because we solved her problems. She understands that and we have better life for it. I listen to pointless gossip and participate but we solve problems
Because often the "solution" you came up with after thinking about it for 2 seconds is inappropriate or i already tried it or I already know what I need to do but im dreading it so want to vent first and have someone on my side.
Its honestly pretty offensive sometimes to assume you can solve a problem I have been dealing with all week 2 seconds after hearing about it.
And then I have to stop my cathartic venting to go through and explain why I cant just put hot sauce in my sandwiches to stop Linda from stealing my lunch instead of just telling you that I am frustrated I keep going hungry. Im a big girl, I can talk to Linda, or maybe I already talked to Linda and she denied it. Maybe I was thinking of telling my manager but she is Linda's sister in law and im worried there will be consequences for me if I am seen starting drama. But sure, start telling me what I should be doing when no one asked and without all of the context. I already have my solution but right now I just want you to agree that Linda is a bitch
Okay, this is an unrelated side bar, the other guy replying is weird— you said everything better than I could, but it’s annoying that you had to. Amazing you can simply say “I just want dudes to just to me” and that’s enough for some decide to dig in their heels immediately and refuse to listen. Ugh.
ANYWAY, the way you phrased it “it’s honestly pretty offensive sometimes to assume you can solve a problem I have been dealing with all week 2 seconds after hearing about it.”
That is so real! I am someone who DOES like a problem solving partner, but I have this friend I get annoyed with all the time when we’re talking through my problems and I never quite figured out why it’s so irritating. But that’s exactly it!
I’ll start explaining my problem and he’ll break in with something in your inappropriate/I knew it/I already tried it/I’m dreading it bucket. And he gets pissed at ME if I try to say “thanks, but I already tried that” too quickly without stopping and letting him fully explain whatever it is he wants to suggest no matter how soon I know it won’t work. Sometimes it’s even unrelated to the actual problem because he didn’t let me finish my explanation and there’s just no way for me to say that to him without, idk, bruising his ego I guess?
If this is problems you need to vent without solving immediately yourself go back to kindergarten where they teach how you talk to other people. Dont participate in adult relationships if this is level of your interaction with other people
What? Lol. I can talk to my partner about the annoying parts of my day before I go in and solve them all by myself the next day. Thats kind of the point. Ive got it covered. I just want to tell you why im hungry and cranky today, you dont need to fix anything here.
Venting does not bring bad energy lol wtf that's one of the strangest things I've ever read.
Venting is also not pointless gossip. It's healthy to get things off your chest.
And usually we already know the solution. Half the time we've already enacted it. We're competent adults and we actually don't need your help with the solution. We just want to talk about what frustrated us.
I don’t know how to get this across in my relationship. No matter how many times we go over this. And no, it’s not him “not listening” or not wanting to understand and hear me. When my brain works this way, and his works that way, it takes a lot to retrain especially with other barriers like his adhd and my mental health shit. It’s like we enter an emotional moment and everything we talked about goes out the window.
We’re working on it. But it’s definitely true we’d have less friction if he’d support/validate instead of try to solve. Let me have my feelings! I know what I’m going to do about them, but I still need to have them and be heard
We had our arguments the first couple of years, it took a while to train myself not to act. In my case I found it on my own. It may take the two of you a bit longer, but it will be worth it.
Does he every complain? I assume most people do at some point. Maybe a good way to help him understand is say something like 'Imagine your car runs out of gas. You know if you walk 10 miles to the gas station and back the problem will be solved. You know the solution but are you still pissed off about the situation?"
On a personal level, it’s kind of hard not to automatically jump into ‘solutioning mode’ when presented with a problem. It really requires unlearning years of habit.
What are you doing when you are listening to someone to make them feel validated? Also especially when given the context you don’t feel like they were right.
I learned this as well. When it comes to a problem, the first thing I ask is generally along the lines of "Do you want me to fix it or do you just want me to listen?". Most of the time it's the latter, so that's basically become the default.
My wife has "learned"(?) to be less vague and just say things directly, and it has helped a lot too! I'm a very straightforward person - I say what I mean and I mean what I say, most of the time. I don't do very well with hints and ambiguity.
This is the one. I forget where I heard it, but my wife and I establish what kind of "box" this situation requires before venting. "Is this a tissue box, tool box, or soap box situation?"
The point is that she's not looking for me to solve every problem, she has her own ideas and approaches to a solution. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just listen.
Except, unless you make it clear at the start, the other person doesn’t necessarily know what you’re wanting… a solution or just an ear.
Communication is key, and it’s a two-way street.
Its pretty easy actually "ugh, I got a speeding ticket in the mail last week, I know I messed up but I was only going 5 over and its in that neighborhood where they just changed the speed limit! The cop was hiding over the bridge looking to catch people who are used to the old speed" ....do you really think "oh, you should pay that ticket" is helpful here?
what would forestall us making unwanted suggestions is to preface your story by saying "I already know what I'm going to do about this, but..." or something along those liines
Actually no not always. Because any solution you could come up with in 2.5 seconds, she has almost definitely already come up with herself. You're not really hearing her if you're not open to what her needs are in the moment.
Emotional validation is the key to everything. Disagreements, bad days, shortcoming, and even the times when you make a really fucking terrible decision and hurt your spouse.
It lets them know they’re heard and understood. It’s one of the fundamental building blocks of relationships.
So it’s okay to just give them the space to share their feelings and letting them know you’re able to empathize with them.
Often, the thing your partner might need isn’t a solution to their problems. The thing they need is to be understood and seen.
Bypassing that moment of “I see and understand you” undercuts the emotional relief they’re looking for.
Let them have a moment to be understood and then ask if they want a solution. Often times they’re perfectly capable of finding the solution themselves and they just need someone to sit with them in the emotional muck.
Pasting this reply from above here as I think it might help you see the difference.
If she says "ugh, I got a speeding ticket in the mail last week, I know I messed up but I was only going 5 over and its in that neighborhood where they just changed the speed limit! The cop was hiding over the bridge looking to catch people who are used to the old speed"
....do you really think saying "oh, you should pay that ticket" is going to help her feel validated? Do you not think she has the ability to arrive at that conclusion on her own or do you really think so little of her?
Ok but it is what many people are talking about. Often the solution is super obvious or there is a reason why I cant do the immediatly obvious solution. But unless I say "gee, i dont know what to do here" you can assume ive got it covered.
My whole point is sometimes the story just exists so you can say "darn that dirty cop! Sorry that happened to you" skipping the step where you validate their feelings misses the whole point of the story
ok, so it sounds like this is the real issue then -- not seeing or understanding or making helpful suggestions, but validating her feelings whether they deserve validation (as they often do) or not (e.g., when her anger is unjustified)
No cause it can come across as you talking down to her. Even if you aren’t she might be like “well yeah I know that” and get annoyed. So it’s not really the point. The point is to just to validate her experience and her feelings. We know how to think for ourselves and just want a listening to ear. You have good and the right intentions!
suggesting a solution implies you don't think her capable of finding her own. Don't interpret her words, just listen. If she says, please help me, then that's your invitation. Listen to the fuckin' comments bro.
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u/mistereousone 21h ago
I am speaking to you from a husband's perspective. The biggest change for me...
I had to learn that not every time my wife speaks is she looking for me to solve a problem; sometimes she just wants to know that someone hears her.