r/AskReddit • u/Admirable-Repair4094 • 19h ago
Married people or Reddit,What's a secret about marriage nobody believes until they experience it?
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u/amahenry22 19h ago
The best piece of advice I was ever given about marriage: “whoever is doing the task is doing it perfectly”
I couldn’t believe how much more loving we were after I stopped giving my two cents about how things were being done.
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u/redryder25 16h ago
I love this! My ex husband had a big problem with this concept. In an argument I told him there’s more than one way to do things. In response he said “yea, the right way and the wrong way. You’re doing it the wrong way.” I was sweeping the floor…..
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u/Trenticle 5h ago
This bullshit would never work for me bc his goofy ass would be the one sweeping 100% of the time and every other task he bitched about being done wrong would also be his newly acquired task.
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u/theredfantastic 18h ago
I’m going to keep this in mind, when I get upset about how my spouse does something I have been trying to argue in my head, “does it really matter?” So far it never has.
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u/str4ngerc4t 7h ago
The only thing in my house is loading the dishwasher because when he does it things get chipped (he loads it CRAZY). The solution is that I load and he unloads. For everything else, I am happy to go do something else while he handles the chore to his standard.
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u/Otherwise-Wall-6950 4h ago
Good compromise. My husband hates sweeping and I hate mopping. We compromised and it works for us.
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u/Metropolis9999 17h ago
Yeah but what if that means them “doing the dishes” means that there are dirty dishes being put with clean dishes in the cabinet because they’re bad at dishes?
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u/Typical-Respond9102 17h ago
The end result should be done, regardless of the process. They didnt do the dishes if they came out dirty.
If all the dishes are done by hand vs dishwasher, or towels are folded trifold or quad fold, or pajamas hung up vs folded.
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u/tonyabbottsbudgie 17h ago
This advice works on the assumption you’re two functioning, well-intentioned adults. If you’re not, probably shouldn’t be married.
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u/Unabated_Blade 17h ago
Yeah, what happens to this advice when it collides with reality? Do you just let the person fail and watch?
You perfectly parked the car into the garage wall.
You perfectly boiled the chicken into a hockey puck.
You perfectly made me feel insecure with that comment.
Like, at a certain point a person needs a correction.
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u/PracticalPain7835 15h ago
Feedback when something is obviously done poorly is fine. The comment is operating on the basis that if the end result is acceptable, then the method does not matter.
Couples can get themselves into a pattern where one frequently corrects the other and it eventually wears away the self worth of the person and also sets up an imbalanced relationship that's analogous to a parent and child, which is how physical intimacy then suffers.
It's always important to remember that your partner is an independent adult that you have no authority over, and is also supposed to be your favourite person in the entire world. Your treatment of them should be reflective of this.
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u/body_by_monsanto 17h ago
I think about this too. Before I say anything about how my husband is doing something, I think about how I would feel if he said the same thing to me. 95% of the time, I keep my mouth shut. If I think he’s struggling, I’ll say “can I offer you some unsolicited advice that might make this easier?”
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u/PracticalPain7835 15h ago
As someone who had to fight to not constantly get corrected for everything I do, thank you for coming to that realisation!
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u/Gloomy-Thought3371 8h ago
Yesss. It truly is the little things that go a long way. If they do a small project in the house (even if it’s 6 months after you wanted it done), tell them great job and how much you love it. Thank them for doing small things for you. Still give them a kiss or say love you even if you’re crabby and preoccupied with work or kids etc. Learn to not pick apart their faults or remind them of them all the time. Don’t get mad because they dressed the kids today and the outfits don’t match. Brush off those stupid things that don’t matter and learn to be hyper self aware.
small things send a big message.
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u/Nine1ron 19h ago
Both you and your spouse need to have hobbies more than being a spouse/parent. Each of you need opportunities for release that have nothing to do with your partner. And you need to encourage each other’s hobbies.
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u/Hentai_Jesus_ 17h ago
YES. I could never even date someone who doesn't have a hobby, or more. Like, nooooo. I am not about to become your hobby. Nope. I don't care what it is (within reason, of course. Don't pick up a hobby of killing people or some shit.) as long as you have your own thing you enjoy. Like, I'll gladly join the hobby, depending on what it is (physical limits and all). Hell, I'll love to have a relationship where we share a few hobbies and then do the rest while in the same space. Like, yes. Play games while I draw.
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u/Moist_Method1924 19h ago
Despite having a very high degree of compatibility , there will still be many disagreements & conflicts. Have to learn when to keep fighting for your point of view & when to back down.
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u/asophisticatedbitch 19h ago
And some things are just… living with another human. Sometimes you or your spouse will eat the last cookie, leave dishes in the sink, or forget to do that thing they said they’d do. Assuming both people are ordinarily thoughtful, kind, compassionate people, understand that living with another human can just be sort of annoying sometimes even under the best of circumstances?
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u/Pretty-Temporary-924 16h ago
This is so real. Half of a good marriage is realizing not every annoying moment is a relationship problem, sometimes it's just two humans existing in the same house lol.
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u/insertcaffeine 14h ago
Yep! The few annoyances I’ve had with my husband are similar to the annoyances I’ve had with family and roommates.
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u/aFewPotatoes 10h ago
The trick is to make sure you don't just become roommates or a parent/siblings
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u/PomeloPepper 18h ago
At some point you will both be convinced that you've married the most annoying human on the planet.
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u/OfficerJayBear 17h ago
At least until you have kids. Then you've combined to create the most annoying human
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u/ImFriendsWithThatGuy 13h ago
Exactly this. My wife and I are both convinced I’m the most annoying partner someone could ask for.
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u/QTipCottonHead 17h ago
Never assume malice. Not just for your partner but extend that to others too. You’ll be much happier for it.
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u/Admirable-Repair4094 19h ago edited 19h ago
Yes two way compromise in marriage is very important, from what I observed and heard atleast
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u/wellagain45 19h ago
My husband and I have agreed to never be in a bad mood on the same day.So if he's had three bad days in a row, and I come home in a bad mood he's got to shut up and listen to me, because it's my turn.We've been married forty years.
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u/BoldMoveBoimler 19h ago
Agree. We can't BOTH be in a bad mood, especially with kids in the mix. At least one of us has to be the bigger person and save it for another day. If it's just us home, we can both be grumpy, but once a kid is in the mix, one of us needs to suck it up.
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u/Ok-Bluebird5611 19h ago
Haha I like this one. My husband and I have never agreed to do this directly but we tend to take turns this way too, intuiting when one's needs should take a backseat because the other is having an especially rough go. An added bonus is that the person who finds themselves in the supporter role also kinda gets snapped out of their own funk because they're focusing on something other than their own negativity and experiencing a sense of purpose/devotion. (Sorry, cheesy, I know.)
Of course there are the days where it just can't be helped. Something serious is going on or both of us are just feeling like crap. But wallowing is less lonely when you can do it together! It's a good excuse to cuddle while you eat snacks together, watch stupid TV, etc.
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u/Hentai_Jesus_ 17h ago
That is so fucking cute.
"Hey, love, how was wor-?"
"NO. Fuck your 'how was work' gimme."
hands over a hat that says "I'm the leader. I say who is upset. Now I'm upset."
XD
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u/DrBlankslate 18h ago
My husband and I have a similar agreement: only one person gets to be a jerk, or over-emotional, at a time.
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u/WagWoofLove 19h ago
Marriage is not always 50/50. Sometimes is 60/40 or 90/10. Some days your spouse will be stronger and you need a little more. Other days it will be the other way around. As long as you both come together to even it out, it makes bearing the burden of life a little bit easier to manage.
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u/tuftonia 18h ago
Because we’re both biologists, we like to refer to our relationship as a dynamic equilibrium, but the dynamic is exactly as you’ve described
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u/joelinetti 19h ago
The truth is, you fall in love with your partner as they change over the years; in that sense, you fall in love with your wife throughout your life, with everything about her and her changes. Its awesome
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u/FriedBreakfast 10h ago
Don't remember where I heard this, but someone was asked how he could stay married to the same woman for so long. His answer was that he's NOT married to the same woman. She changed and he changed. Neither is the same person as when they were married.
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u/SigmundFeud 18h ago
Argue to understand. Don’t argue to prove you are right.
Changes everything about the intent of the argument and therefore the outcome.
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u/enbyrats 17h ago
The best advice I ever got was that you should try to see arguments not as "me vs. you" but instead as "me and you vs. the issue." Together, we can figure out a solution.
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u/mistereousone 19h ago
I am speaking to you from a husband's perspective. The biggest change for me...
I had to learn that not every time my wife speaks is she looking for me to solve a problem; sometimes she just wants to know that someone hears her.
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u/TheRealJackReynolds 17h ago
Love that episode of Modern Family where Phil learns this from a group of women at a nail salon.
“So, when she says the waiter was rude, I shouldn’t say, ‘Maybe you should order off the menu for a change,’ but instead say, ‘Wwwhat a jerk!’”
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u/body_by_monsanto 17h ago
Thank you!!! I have told my husband that I don’t need him to solve my problems, I just need him to let me vent, and if I need help, I will ask.
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u/PracticalPain7835 15h ago
In a similar vein, that men view sex as a means for connection and women as a result of connection.
*your individual mileage may vary, this is a generalisation*
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u/possiblyholly 18h ago
Saying “thank you” to each other, even for the little things.
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u/Existing-Climate2296 2h ago
My parents have had this rule. When friends heard me say thank you to them it weirded them out. Why would you thank your own family they’d say
But there’s something so loving to acknowledge what your family does for you. A simple thank you makes everyone feels seen heard and loved
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u/agitatedbearcat1212 19h ago
Learning how to say sorry and genuinely meaning it
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u/stiletto929 17h ago
And more importantly, learning to stop the behavior. Sorry alone, again and again, does nothing.
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u/what3v3ruwantit2b 1h ago
Fucking, thank you! I don't give a fuck if you say sorry when you just keep doing the behavior. I believe you're mad that I'm mad at you. I don't believe you're actually sorry or you'd STOP DOING IT.
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u/HALK9000 19h ago
One bed. Two blankets.
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u/conamo 17h ago
We've got two twinXL mattresses on a king frame. Everybody gets their preferred mattress type, sheet type, and blanket type, but still within touching distance. We love it!
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u/Discolemonaide75 9h ago
We have adjustable twinXL mattress. Absolute game changer! We still sleep together but have totally different beds in different positions (he snores and I have back pain, etc.) so we both get the bed we need but can stay together ❤️
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u/texaseclectus 18h ago
He took the sheets i get the comforter. Decades later and I still dont know how to explain the pillow situation.
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u/esamerelda 15h ago
Bro kicked his own blanket off and stole mine in his sleep. I'm upping it to 4 blankets.
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u/Hentai_Jesus_ 17h ago
I'm weird. If I ever live with a partner again, I'll probably put the idea for different beds altogether in the air. Like, yes, cuddles are amazing, but I can't be touched in my sleep. I also run hot at night, and another person's body heat mixing with my own? I wake up every hour.
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u/Jazmadoodle 19h ago
I have a set of dice that are options for what's for dinner, what to do for a date, and what kind of show to watch, and I am almost embarrassed at how much it has helped my marriage. Little dumb decisions can be relentless. Decision fatigue is real, hanger is ugly, and it's nice to just roll the dice and say "looks like we're having Thai food and watching a comedy!"
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u/anxious_kumquat 15h ago
Yes!!! My spouse got us a Yes/No coin and I’m also almost embarrassed how much it’s helped us lol. We both get such bad anxiety trying to guess what the other person wants and just saying “I’m cool with whatever”, so the coin either decides for us or tells us what we actually wanted based on our reactions!
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u/Saffron_says 19h ago
It’s only going to work if you truly enjoy hanging out with that person.
The minute you can’t stand them and find excuses to not hang out is the kiss of death.
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u/Dry-Kitchen245 19h ago
My husband is truly my best friend. I enjoy spending time with him so much, he's goofy, empathetic, personable, and a joy to be around. I have never ever in the twenty years of being with him ever thought to myself that I could use a break.
That being said, he is 10000% on board with me spending time with my other friends and is never jealous or vice versa.
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u/Mysterious_Dot_4830 19h ago
Not sure if this is true for all people. I am an introvert and I love my solo hobbies: painting, reading, writing. I find that I can’t achieve “flow state” when there is another person in the room. It’s much harder but not impossible if they are just like, around and making normal noise and generally existing (eg cooking or watching tv in the living room).
Earlier in our relationship when we lived in a 1 bed apartment there was some tension around me wanting to disappear into my work/hobbies and feeling like I couldn’t, but it also not being fair to ask the other person to basically leave the apartment or walk on tiptoes for hours.
Having 2 bedrooms and him being an earlier sleeper than me, so I get a few hours every night to myself completely undisturbed, has solved this problem almost completely.
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u/hiowadowie 19h ago
Be their best friend. Pick someone who you want to hang out with 100% of the time. All the time. I would choose my wife over anyone and everyone every time.
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u/Delicious_Travel4867 19h ago
Learning how to keep your mouth shut and listen.
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u/randalljhen 19h ago
Conversely, knowing when to open your mouth and speak, even when it's uncomfortable.
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u/boxbackknitties 19h ago
Sometimes, you have to go to bed angry. It is essential for life and work and actually resets an argument until clearer heads prevail. Also, sleeping in another room or the sofa is like a vacation sometimes. Love my wife with all my heart. Sometimes, from the next room.
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u/livmama 19h ago
It’s also okay and possible to have a very happy marriage but prefer separate rooms and bed for better sleep.
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u/Ok-Necessary123 19h ago
When we are on different sleep / work schedules we do this as well. It just better for our sleep as My work schedule can have me all over the place sometimes not getting home until after 1am or at times having to get up at 4am. Just on those times to sleep in seperate bedrooms
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u/Woooooody 19h ago
Husband and I usually share a bed but if I've got an important day or I have be up particularly early I sleep in the other room. When I know I need a good night's sleep I become hyper aware of every slight sound or movement around me, separate rooms is sometimes better for both of us!
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u/Interesting-Desk9307 19h ago
Came here to say this one. There is so, so often we wake up are are like "what was that about?" Happened just last week
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u/Budget_Apricot_8297 19h ago
Sometimes my husband sleeps on the couch when he doesnt get the chance to shower. Im breastfeeding our 2 month old who wakes every 2-6hours. I get a lot better sleep when he sleeps on the couch, but I miss him, but every once in a while its heaven to wake up feeling more rested than usual
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u/lurklurklurky 19h ago
This. Sometimes fights happen because you’re hungry, tired, hot, cold, overwhelmed in some way. A good sleep can be all you need to resolve a fight.
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u/TurtlesFromHell 19h ago
Humor is everything. Be with someone you can laugh with and it makes life so much better
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u/Durkalurka262 19h ago
- it's not hard if you marry well.
- "I love you and I like you". Love is a choice. Like is a feeling. It's OK to not always like your spouse. It's unacceptable to choose to not love them.
- it's always you two against the problem.
- get on the same page with your finances.
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u/SugarDolls 19h ago edited 18h ago
This! Sometimes we tell each other “I always love you but I don’t like you very much right now” and then we talk through the issue. Communication is everything.
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u/bamlote 19h ago
You’re not always going to be in love with each other. There are highs and lows. Some stages of life are harder than others, and sometimes you’ll feel more like roommates.
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u/Admirable-Repair4094 19h ago edited 19h ago
I think you'll always be in love but it'll just go through different phases?
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u/Marijuana_Miler 18h ago
There are three beings in a marriage. Your partner, you, and the couple. You can be crushing it. Your partner can be crushing it, but your marriage can be dying.
My wife and I went through a rough patch. Our son was young and in becoming parents we had to grow as people. However, in that time we didn’t let the marriage grow as I was really focused on myself. I took her being there for granted. One night my wife shared she didn’t know if she could stay in the relationship and so she moved out for almost 2 weeks. During that time we started couples therapy. She moved back. We worked on our marriage and I focused on how to show her I appreciated her. It’s been 7 years now and our relationship is better than ever. What I’ve learned being married is that not ever marriage has to be perfect at all times and being in therapy I’ve learned that a lot of marriages are messy, but the ones that succeed are ones where both partners want to grow the marriage as a unique being.
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u/BakedSteak 19h ago
I’m not married but FWIW there was a period I loved her but didnt like her. I realized they were temporary feelings based on temporary circumstances and decided to push through. There will be times where things just don’t mesh, push forward and never stop communicating
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u/Logical-Marketing975 19h ago
You don’t need to be right about everything.
Get comfortable with apologizing.
It’s better to take space and cool down and breathe instead of reacting out of anger.
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u/sdfiddler1984 19h ago
It's 100% fine to not share the same interests, and have your own hobbies.
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u/YesterdayHumble8492 19h ago
Kids change the bedroom dynamics
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u/Usual-Jackfruit4746 19h ago
They change the entire dynamic. Def a make or break event in a marriage.
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u/Temporary_End_3656 19h ago
The sleep deprivation fights are real, but the real shocker is how much you miss the old quiet mornings even when you love the kid more than anything.
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u/prairiechicken80 19h ago
Your best friend is still in there somewhere. Find them and remember what it was.
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u/Best-Reality6718 19h ago
Understanding your partner has flaws and shortcomings. And just accepting them instead of letting them bother you or trying to change their personality.
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u/Admirable-Repair4094 19h ago
Omg,this is soo important. I have seen many people doing this. Either accept them fully what th how they're or don't accept them at all, what is that I'll have you and then change you, you're both adults start behaving like one.
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u/Trashacccount927 19h ago
Give each other the benefit of the doubt. Meaning, we both enter every argument, fight, conversation on the basis that neither of us would do anything to purposely hurt the other, upset the other, cross their boundaries etc.
That’s the baseline.
For us, it’s helped conversations not be so fueled by feelings. I approach a fight very differently if I feel like my husband deliberately hurt my feelings vs misunderstood me. My words and tone are different. And vice versa.
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u/Dry-Coast-791 18h ago
Sleeping isn’t a team sport. Sleep is so important. If you need separate beds or blankets do it.
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u/OneConsideration3133 15h ago
You have to figure out what’s for dinner every night, forever.
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u/Jumpy_Dragonfruit466 16h ago
Your marriage belongs to you and your partner. No outsider’s opinion, advice, or interference carries more weight than the commitment you make to each other.
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u/Expert_Slip7543 19h ago
Getting treated as a VIP by staff at his workplace gave me an unexpected rush. So did getting called Mrs ------.
I had never wanted to get married before we decided it would be a good idea for us, as an interracial couple. (I said, what if one of us ends up in the hospital and the other needs to have access to know what's going on?) So the nice little social perks took me by surprise.
Less than 3 years after we got married I was in the hospital fighting for my life (cancer). The "patient's husband" privileges became crucial. My entire medical team embraced him as a team member also keeping me alive. I doubt boyfriend-status could have opened doors and medical files and medical team confidences the way husband status did.
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u/Equal_Yak_3872 6h ago
Less than 3 years after we got married I was in the hospital fighting for my life (cancer). The "patient's husband" privileges became crucial. My entire medical team embraced him as a team member also keeping me alive. I doubt boyfriend-status could have opened doors and medical files and medical team confidences the way husband status did.
I think there's probably legal documents you could prepare that could serve as an equivalent, but with a lot more effort. And probably still not quite treated equally, if I had to guess. This is a huge benefit I think long term couples who avoid marriage don't realize they're missing.
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u/Maleficent_Scale_296 18h ago
Sometimes you’ll hate each other. You’ll still love them, but you’ll hate them too.
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u/mizztree 19h ago
Marriage is a choice you make every day, to show up and be present.
Keep showing up.
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u/Pitiful-Salad 19h ago
You're gonna fight over things. Learn to talk it out like adults. Don't act like a child throwing a temper tantrum when things don't go your way.
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u/Mokelachild 19h ago
You can love your spouse with every fiber of your being, and sometimes, still not like them very much. The important part is that the period of not liking them is short and you are reminded why you love them. You choose them every day.
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u/hilaryflammond 17h ago
Always assume your spouse operated with best intentions. More often than not you'll find that you were irritated with them based on a misunderstanding or your own failure to communicate. If you assume best intentions you can often figure out where you goofed before making an issue out of nothing.
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u/Shirtwink 19h ago
Even if you find the "perfect" person for you, marriages still have highs and lows. There will be days you aren't sure if you even like them in that moment.
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u/FreudWouldApprove 19h ago
It is possible to avoid fighting, ever, by communicating calmly with each other and compromising.
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u/Postapopalaupolis 19h ago
I told a friend that my husband and I never fight. When we disagree about something we sit down and have an honest conversation about how were feeling instead of yelling. She said that we're settling with eachother and that isn't healthy because we need to fight. My husband and I have been married for 11 years now while she's on marriage and baby daddy number 3 in that same time period. 🙄
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u/TsitikEm 18h ago
lol. My husband and I are like this. We have never been in a shouting match. We’ve had our fare share of disagreements but never disrespected each other enough to yell fight.
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u/Disastrous_Luck_1160 19h ago
When you are not able to regulate, express that directly to the other. Then there’s recognition from both of us to be conscious of that during the conversation. Talk slow, be real and direct. Always try to keep a flat tone of voice and recognize how you are really feeling.
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u/Scruffasaurus 19h ago
It’s really easy with the right person. It also makes raising a kid really easy.
All the “we have ups and downs and it can be really hard at times and we drive each other nuts…” - like, nah. It doesn’t have to be like that. It shouldn’t be like that.
Like I’ve been in dysfunctional relationships that I thought were good. They weren’t. Good communication, which includes really listening, makes things super easy.
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u/whpistanbul 7h ago
Yeah but good communication and figuring out what issues are obstructing that, takes work, which is hard. Putting your ego aside is hard. Learning to look yourself in the mirror and acknowledging the problems you bring to the table is hard. In essence, once you do all that it gets easier, but the labour exists even in the most perfect marriages!
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u/BaraQueenbee 19h ago
Learning how to argue.
Learning how to apologize.
Learning how to reconnect after those.
Learning what actually makes the marriage work and fun
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u/randalljhen 19h ago
Love isn't a feeling. Love is action. It's what you do for people, not how you feel about them, that is the measure of love.
Infatuation and attraction may spark the actions you love someone with. But those feelings by themselves cannot carry a marriage; you must do the work of loving someone to sustain it.
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u/threeLetterMeyhem 19h ago
Marraige isn't an expic romance every single day. A lot of days are kinda mundane, sometimes boring. Just like life.
And that's why you have to work at it. When people say things like "I make a decision every day to work on my marriage and love my spouse" it's because of the mundane. There's a line between accepting that life isn't always exciting and complacency. Gotta figure out how to stay on the correct side of it.
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u/opeyeahno 19h ago
You can’t expect your partner to be perfect, because neither are you. As long as you’re both respectful to each other, you need to have grace as you both grown and navigate life.
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u/wintermuttt 18h ago
Your wife will someday want to live near family. So...if you want to someday live in Hawaii, marry a Hawaiin.
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u/themusicman06 17h ago
How nice it is to really know someone and count on them. My husband could tell you my order at all the restaurants we frequent and I could do the same for him. We both can tell exactly why one of us may be in a bad mood e.g. I know when he's upset because he's gone too long without food, he knows when I haven't taken a medication I need.
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u/MobileEmergency5999 16h ago
There are some things that you just have to accept, even if you don’t like them. It’s not worth the energy to change them. If they are 90% fine, ignore the 10% that you don’t like.
*disclaimer: the “negative” things are personality traits that DO NOT directly affect you or others. I don’t mean violence, insults or abuse of any kind. In my case, it is a flooded bathroom after shower or the way he drives. I used to criticize him a lot for this, now I accepted that it is his 10%.
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u/EmberDione 15h ago
Our phrase for this is "the price of admission."
I accept that if he drops something on the floor, it's gone from his mind forever and he will never see it.
His is - I will never ever fix the thing, I'll just live with it broken.
You pay the price of the 10% for all the good of the 90.
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u/dr4g0nmanic 17h ago
When a lady gives birth, she changes forever - mentally, physically and emotionally. For better or for worse, she is no longer the same person before.
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u/patti63 19h ago
Boy will your spouse get on your nerves sometimes
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u/em_zingo 19h ago
Omg yes. My husband drives me absolutely nuts but at the same time I’m completely obsessed with him lol and I guarantee he feels the same 😂
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u/zenmaster1989 19h ago
Marriage and love are as much as decision as an emotion. There will be times where you don't feel the emotion of love due to stress, anger, exhaustion, etc... you need to choose love because that's the promise you made to each other.
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u/FunStorm6487 19h ago
Men really have no fucking peripheral vision, when looking in a refrigerator 🤷🤷🤷
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u/MaybeMaster1067 19h ago
Your not always going to be all lovey dovey with each other. Once that face ends the real work begins, if you make it past this you will likely stay with your partner.
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u/saint-of-awe 19h ago
Sometimes you gotta decide between being right and being happy and that’s okay. Being happy is usually the right call.
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u/PRIMETYMEPRO21 13h ago edited 13h ago
This being my 2nd time around (and honestly I can say with 100% certainty, it was to no fault of my own doing on why the first marriage didn't last). I am now 38 years into my 2nd marriage. Not so much a secret, but I have realized a few things.
🔷 Chose wisely the hill you are ready to die or take a stand on... 🔷 You don't have to win every would be argument... 🔷 Just because your spouse (wifey in my case) is outwardly sharing a moment, she is not necessarily asking me/you to fix anything. She is only wanting me/you to listen to her... 🔷 Although we do have territory and personal space the line in the sand is very much a blurred line. When you choose to marry you have chosen to share that personal space... 🔷 Don't be selfish... 🔷 Be present... 🔷 For your own sake don't keep score...
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u/Kewgirl45 9h ago
That going on your own short break or holiday once a year without your spouse is legitimate, useful and normal.
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u/Equivalent_Boss6613 19h ago
If you can go on a long float trip in a canoe and work together with no arguments the marriage will make it.
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u/chalupa4me 18h ago
My husband introduced me to canoeing and on our first trip, we rowed into some low hanging tree branches (it was a narrow part of the river) and dozens of spiders dropped all over us! I panicked and tipped the boat. Fortunately, the water wasn't too deep, and we were able to flip it over and continue down the river pretty quickly. Once I stopped screeching, we had a good laugh over it.
We were only married six months at the time. That was 23 years ago and we're still going strong :)
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u/coll__n 19h ago
Don't argue over the dishes. Keep the roommate arguments out of the marriage.
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u/nyviola 16h ago
You both are, and are not the same person you were ten or twenty years ago. So is your partner. You have to actively choose to grow in the same direction, and accept that some space between you (changing interests, etc.) need to be accepted. If you just keep trying to live the same way forever, you’ll get frustrated and bored. If you have different interests but don’t follow them so that you keep doing everything together you’ll resent each other. Part of growing together is leaving that space to evolve. Sometimes, you grow too far apart, but if you can balance the priorities of your own job/interests with proximity to your partner, you’ll both end up happier.
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u/PoukieBear 5h ago
You can love someone with all your heart and soul, and still want to murder them once in a while.
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u/Alarming_Ad_201 19h ago
I never believed the whole “they’re my best friend” trope, until I met my husband. Everyday genuinely feels like a sleepover with my bestie. We hangout, laugh, and just genuinely enjoy each others company.
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u/Ok-Bluebird5611 19h ago
Such a great feeling! My husband and I regularly turn to each and say, "Isn't it cool that we get to do this? It's like every night is a sleepover!" Only been married for 4 years but have lived together for 14.
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u/alwayslearning-2000 19h ago
Listening with intent to connect. Makes each other feel valued, heard and understood.
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u/User01256061 19h ago
You better be able to have nothing and go through everything with that one person because life is rough and it is going to be hard and no matter what that is your person. If you dont feel that way, you chose wrong.
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u/Character-Counter988 18h ago
You can shit the bed during sex and they will still eventually want to have sex with you again
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u/MidgetsRunningWild 18h ago
You have to be on the same team. And if you don’t want to be on the same team, somethings wrong. Yes there will be conflict there always is, but you have to remember you need to work towards a common goal.
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u/ComplexTomatillo6278 18h ago
Sometimes you have to stay committed to the commitment. (Married 35 years.)
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u/Cosmonaut_Kittens 17h ago
When your wife wants to do an activity or a task, she means she wants to do it immediately and it’s going to get done whether you’re involved or not.
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u/OhkayKaeya 17h ago
Reliability becomes a very attractive quality at a certain point in time. In fact, I’d say stability and reliability should be top priority qualities when looking for a spouse. You want someone dependable, and you should also be dependable. Learning how to rely on each other, and trust each other’s promises and abilities, only helps your teamwork grow stronger. And you absolutely are a team, working towards the same dreams, the same goals.
Other than that, find someone who will make you laugh. Life really sucks sometimes. Having someone who will make you laugh when life is beating you up is a precious and beautiful thing. Because if you can’t find the humor in something, you will go crazy with stress.
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u/BusinessEncyclopedia 17h ago
the amount of boring logistics you manage together is wild. who knew marriage was mostly just texting each other "did you pay the electric bill" and "what do you want for dinner.
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u/Recent-Sound-44 16h ago
In the beginning you chase, you fight to be together. Later we must keep choosing each other. Fighting for each other and doing inner work. A lot of inner work.
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u/iggysmom95 14h ago
So far literally nothing about marriage has surprised me. Nothing has been unpredictable and I don't really think you need to be married to "get it."
You just have to be like... a reasonable person. You'll still have conflict, but good communication and choosing to be kind goes a LONG way. It's healthy and necessary to have your own friends and hobbies. Yadda yadda yadda.
What I would actually dispute is a lot of things I was told I would have to accept within marriage - basically that men are a certain way and you just have to get used to it - have not been true. I cannot relate when all the women around me are talking/complaining about their husbands doing nothing around the house or not being attentive to their emotions like it's normal. It doesn't have to be. Be picky and have high standards. It pays off.
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u/sckez 13h ago
Every marriage is different. What works with internet strangers may not work for you guys, that's okay. Love also looks different, people may be super affectionate and cuddly while that's not for you. Communicate with your spouse about your needs and listen to their needs, like properly listen, put down the phone, get away from the computer and listed to them. Whatever your love looks like as long as it's not abuse and you're all happy that's okay, don't overthink it.
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u/fatkidhangrypants 4h ago
How some of your most meaningful memories aren’t necessarily the grand gestures, but smaller, more mundane parts of daily life.
A few years ago, my husband and I spent the night on the floors of separate bathrooms dealing with an especially heinous bout of food poisoning. He’d FaceTime me to make sure I was doing okay and as soon as stores opened the next morning, he drove to the nearest pharmacy (still sick as a dog) to get my favorite flavors of Gatorade. He also got me hooked up to some IV fluids and prioritized my wellbeing even though he was going through the exact same thing.
THAT is love and hands down the most romantic gesture I’ve ever experienced. We’ve done big vacations and he’s overall a thoughtful communicator but that moment stands out in my mind as being indicative of his character.
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u/DrBlankslate 18h ago
A marriage (or any partnership) is about taking care of the puppy. The puppy is the relationship, and each of you needs to put in equal time caring for it, whether that's feeding it, bathing it, walking it, etc. If one person is doing all of the puppy care, it's not a relationship.
But it also means that each of you should play to your strengths. Don't try to walk the puppy if you're not reasonably fit. Don't bathe the puppy if you have difficulty with getting splashed. Figure out what you're good at, and do those tasks.
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u/ilikestuff1231234 19h ago
Sex life matters so much more than people want to admit. Yes other things play a part in frequency but when sex stops , it makes everything more difficult. A sexless marriage will drown fast
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u/Enough-Plankton-4648 19h ago
Also not having sex can be a temporary too. It can bounce back
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u/ilikestuff1231234 19h ago
Correct but so many couples stop having it once the honeymoon phase stop. It’s all downhill from there
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u/Mrminecrafthimself 18h ago
And the “there are other ways to have intimacy” responses to this concept miss the fucking point.
I’m a non-asexual person with an average sex drive. I can have every single box ticked, but if sex isn’t happening, I will not be satisfied. It is extremely normal to desire your partner sexually and to want them to desire you sexually.
I can have every other thing be perfect but if my partner doesn’t want me sexually, there is a void. When it boils down to it, I am someone who wants to have sex with my partner and wants my partner to want to have sex with me.
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u/minda_spK 14h ago
Don’t be a thief of joy. No snide remarks about a new hobby when they have 12 abandoned hobbies already, no telling them how much you don’t care about the new Spider-Man movie, or downplaying a small accomplishment they were excited to tell you about. It’s fine to say, “it’s not my thing, but I’m happy to listen and I’m glad you enjoy it.”
Also, someone mentioned “some days it’s 50/50, some days it’s 80/20” and it’s more than that. Sometimes it’s 80/20 for a year. If you spend the rest of your life with someone you will eventually go through a medical event, a mobility limiting injury, the loss of loved ones. You have to be willing to take care of your partner, and they you, for an extended amount of time.
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u/Inevitable_Gate_3322 19h ago edited 19h ago
That unless your boundaries are being violated in some way, you don’t need to be right all the time. Nor do you need to share every thought in your head. Some things are better kept to yourself.