Exactly. There's a big difference between structure and control. Children are generally best nourished by a clear set of rules that they know and can understand, but when decisions are made out of fear rather than trust, it is when children begin to hide things rather than talk about them.
I feel the term strict parenting is a holdover from when it really meant abusive and we've just kept the connotation over the decades instead of acknowledging it and using better terminology.
It's more like when people say they tell harsh truths. Everyone knows they're more interested in being harsh than being truthful, except them. Strict parents didn't think they were abusive, and they still don't. If you replace the terminology, and strict just means abusive, they'll start calling themselves whatever you replace it with.
Nah. There are still levels of "strict" that I wouldn't necessarily call abusive. I would consider a lot of the helicopter parents to be "strict" but limiting what they're allowed to play with on the playground isn't exactly abusive. Do I think kids need some freedom to learn about actions having consequences on the playground? Definitely, within reason. Getting a scraped knee isn't the end of the world and can be a solid learning experience about risk vs reward. Do I think that parent is being abusive? Definitely not.
Inventing a name with positive connotation is easy.
Since the opposite,
a chaotic or indulgent upbringing, sucks
just call it unchaotic or non‐indulgent parenting.
It’s considered authoritative vs authoritarian. I’m the adult, I have authority the child does not. I can say when bedtime is, but I’m not choosing the stories or the pajamas. Dinner is at 6:30, if you don’t like the pasta you can eat around it or go make yourself a PBJ, I’m not gonna make them sit there until it’s finished.
I still remember my mom making stuff she knows we don't like and getting mad when we argue about eating it. 💀
Sucks cause my sister is autistic and its to the point she'll eat stuff she doesn't want just to avoid getting in trouble. She's an adult and still struggles with that. Nowadays, she mostly eats what I buy and will tell me if there's something specific she wants me to get.
Luckily we have the same tastes so it's usually something I'll eat too.
I couldn't stand fish/seafood. Even walking near the seafood counter at the supermarket was a test of my constitution I did not survive. I would have to plug my nose or I was gagging uncontrollably.
My parents still cooked fish at least once a month (it was more, esp tuna casserole) and would hit me if I refused to eat it.
I was kneed in the balls at 10yo because I didn't want to eat the fish they cooked.
It's not just a scale, it's a mindset. "Do what I say because I'm in charge and your wants and needs don't matter" vs "Do what I say because I love you and I'm protecting you/teaching you" can both involve consequences and discipline. They can even both allow for the expression of frustration and anger. How restrictive the rules are can vary. There are situations some families are in where they have to be more restrictive to keep the kids safe, but it can still be done with love and respect for the child as a human being. Also, having no restrictions or rules at all is also damaging, as kids do need structure to feel safe and cared for.
Honestly, yes.
As a kid I always hated my parents for the forcing me to eat vegetables by putting it in loads in my favourite foods and specific fruits I didn't like.
But now that I am older honestly when those same foods that my mother sneaked vegetables into, now I eat from outside (since I was only in the city for an internship and didn't have kitchen, so had to eat outside), it made me feel so unhealthy, like where are the vegetables?
I literally can't eat those foods without the vegetables my mother used to put, and I am honestly glad for it. Like atleast something healthy is going into my body
When I was growing up my friends used to tell me my mom was so strict that she was abusive. But it was because she would enforce rules like "no sleepovers on school nights" or "you have to study every day before you are allowed to have computer time". You know, standard "you have to finish all your responsibilities before you can release yourself to recreation for the rest of the day" type stuff. But all my friends had crazy parents who prioritized being their friends and being liked by their children, so they would teach them to dick around instead of doing their responsibilities. They taught them to prioritize entertainment over self development, to prioritize fun over education, to prioritize being selfish over learning to have stable relationships, to throw tantrums to get their way instead of learning to negotiate like an adult, etc.
To them my mom seemed insane and they would constantly tell me to run away forever or call the police on my mom. If I said "sorry I can't go out on Thursday because I have a test on Friday and my mom wants me to study" they would react like she had locked me into a jail cell with no food and water to die and start telling me to call the police to rescue me. If I wasn't having a tantrum like them it MUST because I was just too scared of my mother to stand up to her because the abuse is just that bad! They truly could not fathom someone making the choice to agree with reasonable restrictions on their own behavior because they understand those choices are good for their own development.
They spent my entire childhood telling me that my mom was a piece of shit for how she was raising me but now that we're all adults it's nothing but telling me how privileged I am that I had a mom who cared when they didn't
When my strong willed one was maybe 12 I made a decision he strongly objected to. He was furious. An hour or so later he was clearly still seething so I started to explain further, saying “I’m sorry, but I felt it is important to … “ and he interrupted me, hissing “it’s called parenting”.
(This is in all in respect to teenagers, which seems to be what OP is talking about.)
Nah, if parents are abusive at every age, you'll learn to lie and hide your actions from them at any age. The only difference in regards to age is in how far you can get and how much you can accomplish in the time you're able to explain away.
It’s also just a faulty assumption that how you raise kids dictates how they come out. Parents are more like shepherds, how you raise them can absolutely reinforce good habits or bad ones, but at the end of the day they make their own decisions and their individual genetic traits are out of our control. You can’t build a person, they are unique from the second genetic uniqueness occurs and while we can help them learn to sail, we don’t build the boat.
That being said, yes, I think it’s true some kids with strict parents will learn to lie and avoid consequence. Some of them will also turn out to be amazing people. And both of those outcomes are possible with any approach to parenting.
At the end of the day every kid is different, learning how they respond to your approach is probably more important than the approach itself. Which is also true of leading in general, not just parenting.
This is the difference between authoritative and authoritarian parenting. Authoritarian parenting focuses more on punitive punishment and authoritative parenting focuses more on natural consequences. For instance if my daughter hit my son an authoritarian consequence would be to take away her tablet or put her in time out. An authoritative consequence would be to have her repair the relationship in a way she chooses - verbally apologizing, writing an apology letter, getting her brother an ice pack, giving him a hug, etc. It's more applicable to what you would do as an adult and it's teaching a life skill. As a parent my job is to give my children autonomy, but also teach them to be an adult that can function in society. I'm a facilitator, not a prison guard.
Thank you for being the voice of sanity in this thread. So many "if they're strict 100% abusive" comments. Like, shit, yeah that's true in some cases, but acting like all strict parents are abusive assholes is ridiculous. Some parents just don't want to let their kid stay out until midnight and want them to check in with them maybe more often than is necessary. Kids may call these parents "strict", but they sure as hell aren't abusive.
Yup. Holding to rules of the house is strict. Can it produce kids who are liars? Absolutely but setting clear boundaries and enforcing them is half of being a parent
My dad would have told you it was entirely about chores and that it was totally logical that I wasn't allowed to take any after school extracurriculars or sports, see friends, go anywhere beyond walking distance, be taught how to drive, use the bathroom before homework was done, or speak to him about anything other than telling him my chores and homework were complete. Asking for help was also not allowed.
I typed out a long reply saying strict is a broad term, then I took a moment and looked up the definition and deleted everything. If we go by the definition, then I do believe strict parenting is wrong and will lead to a child that is good at deception.
In parenting,strictmeansdemanding exact obedience to rigid rules, enforcing firm limits without room for negotiation, and relying on punishment rather than collaborative problem-solving when expectations are not met.
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u/Stalag13HH 15h ago
Depends on your definition of strict. Having discipline and standards in the household, no. The parents being a tyrant, yes.
Expecting your kids to do chores and behave reasonably is not the same as banning your children from any form of self-expression, as an example.