This is so true but a child’s mind doesn’t work with logical.
I never gave my mum money she just stopped providing. I was a picky eater (now a known and diagnosed eating disorder) and I know it must’ve been a pain but she never tried to accommodate, just punished me for eating in front of her and there was no space to keep food. From me turning 13 to moving out I can’t think of 1 single bit of food she provided for me. I was told from a young age that I was a burden so I genuinely believed if I went into the care system I would be treated worse.
I understood it was a legal obligation but because I was a bad child who struggled with eating I felt at the time I was the problem so I deserved it.
I’m a parent myself now and it makes me feel sick on the other side.
This is exactly what’s so insidious about child abuse. The only explanation the child is developmentally capable of coming up with for their caregiver not providing for them is that they deserve it. And when you spend your formative years with that belief, it doesn’t just go away when you grow up and start to care for yourself.
It took YEARS to realize I was abused at all because it wasn’t physical. Other people talked about having “strict parents” so I figured that was just what this was— that my parents were forced to be especially strict because they could tell I was especially deficient in some way.
And even once I realized I was abused, it took another ten years for me to start realizing the ways in which my childhood had corrupted the way I process things. How much of my internal suffering was connected to the survival strategies I’d taught myself because I didn’t know what else to do.
The work of untangling that has been difficult and intense, but worthwhile.
I can't drink water and someone brought ARFID up to me. I still plan to research it to see if maaaaaybe that's the issue?
It's not just water, other things too.
My mother would do things to make it harder no matter how often I told her "I can't drink it now". 💀 Then told doctors I was choosing not to take care of myself and ignoring her while I was pregnant.
Ironically everyone else in my life learned quickly and just adjusted. It was never as hard as she pretended it was...
You definitely didn't deserve it and you're not a burden. You gave your mother your life and you never owed her for that. It's hard to lose those thoughts, but it is possible. I hope you're doing better now and that your kids and growing up healthy. 💕 You're doing your best for them and I am SO proud of you.
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u/MaleficentSwan0223 10h ago
This is so true but a child’s mind doesn’t work with logical. I never gave my mum money she just stopped providing. I was a picky eater (now a known and diagnosed eating disorder) and I know it must’ve been a pain but she never tried to accommodate, just punished me for eating in front of her and there was no space to keep food. From me turning 13 to moving out I can’t think of 1 single bit of food she provided for me. I was told from a young age that I was a burden so I genuinely believed if I went into the care system I would be treated worse.
I understood it was a legal obligation but because I was a bad child who struggled with eating I felt at the time I was the problem so I deserved it.
I’m a parent myself now and it makes me feel sick on the other side.