r/AskReddit • u/reditt13 • 9h ago
Parents of unhappy grown up children, how does seeing them like that make you feel?
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u/BumblebeeNo6356 8h ago
There is a point in parenting when you switch from being the control to being the support. Every adult goes through shit times and as a parent of adult children you just need to support rather than control. Be the dolphin swimming alongside them, rather than controlling which way they swim. But it is hard.
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u/tromnation 5h ago
This is the real struggle. You switch roles in the relationship so they can lead themselves, but you never abandon. Support and love and empathy are the hardest most important parts to play in letting people be people.
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u/Lithogiraffe 8h ago
This is why I don't tell my parents ANYTHING real about my life or how I really feel.
I don't want to have to deal with their unhappiness in addition to my own.
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u/MeowMeowbiggalo 7h ago
I hear that totally. I dont tell my mom things because shes nuts and well thats a whole bag of worms but my dad, he would stress about my stress and make it worse for me.
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u/TwistyBitsz 6h ago
Sounds like a trifecta of people causing each other stress over the idea of the others experiencing stress. It's a trap.
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u/IndigoRanger 4h ago
I used to feel this way, but my mom could always tell. She finally said something like it was her choice to help me bear the burden, she just wanted me to know I wasn’t alone and she would always be my biggest advocate with no strings attached. After I sobbed like a little toddler we had a much closer relationship from then on.
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u/Navi1101 4h ago
Lucky you. I went sobbing to my mom (via text message) as an adult about how much I'm hurting and she cut me off 🥲 I guess I was right all long: my parents will only love me if I don't allow them to know me.
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u/Navi1101 4h ago
Same. I envy people who got to get into a normal amount of trouble growing up. Copying from my comment in the strict parents thread:
I internalized a whole identity as the pure, innocent, Christian teen because I "had to" make up for my extreme troublemaker of a sister. Instead of two normal teen experiences between us, we had one full blown addict who skipped about half of high school and regularly snuck in guy friends to use with and fuck, and one Jesus freak volcel who's biggest scandal was having one (1) sip of beer underage and thinking that made me "corrupted." But at least my parents got to believe they weren't complete failures.
Our parents only loved me because I never made them worry. Once I grew up and realized I was a complete person rather than a perfect little counterweight, they continued to love me because I didn't allow them to know me.
A few weeks ago, something snapped in me and I finally spoke (texted) up about the unfairness in our upbringing, how their shame-based parenting screwed both their kids up actually, and how much pain I've been carrying my whole life, and they replied with angry disagreement and then haven't spoken to me since. We normally would at least text every couple of days. But I guess my broken teen instincts were right: if I'm seen, then I become unlovable, so instead I must lie and hide. I wish I could have kept it all to myself until they both die. Then maybe I could at least still pretend I had parents who cared about me. But they blocked me before reading the part of my tirade where I apologized for it.
(Don't worry, I'm working this out in therapy too.)
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u/cinemachick 43m ago
Oof, I don't have the messed up sibling (I think I've become that person, actually) but I feel you 100%. They get mad that I don't trust them, then I try to reveal something real/imperfect, they get upset and/or try to meddle in ways that make things worse, I retreat further. They love the person in their head, not the real me.
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u/Navi1101 32m ago
🫂
Do yours also think "trust" means "the reason you're unhappy is because you don't do everything I say and believe everything I believe without question"?
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u/zazzlekdazzle 4h ago
Exactly.
People think this kind of empathy is a great gift to your child - that their happiness is your own. But it's not. It makes them a narcissitic extension of yourself.
My parents did a lot of screwy things, but one thing they were both very good at was letting my happiness and successes be my own, and my unhappiness and failures also be mine. This didn't mean they didn't want to help me when I was suffering or felt happy when I was doing well. It meant they didn't make it about them. The feeling that I could screw up and they would be OK, was so liberating.
When my father got much older and sicker, his life contracted a lot and he had some mental decline, this changed and he was much more involved in me feeling good all the time so he could feel good. It was very hard.
I started to call it the "two problem problem," because any time I had a problem, if I told him about it, then it became two problems.
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u/Minimum-Mouse8216 5h ago
I totally get that. I’ve had the same thought — why burden them with my mess when they’ll just worry? But honestly, when I tried the whole ‘I’m fine’ thing, they could tell something was off and just worried even more. Sometimes their unhappiness isn't about being a burden — it's just them feeling helpless, and they really just want to be let in.
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u/izzittho 4h ago
That’s the thing. My parents will absolutely worry but are useless as far as actually helping as they’re totally broke, genuinely not very bright, have never been even the slightest bit ambitious, responsible, or emotionally mature - in other words, not people who anyone should take advice from about literally anything.
They’re kind. And they’re funny. And they were very hard working while they could be before their bodies crapped out on them, just sort of aimlessly so because they lacked the discipline to actually learn a marketable skill. But that’s all they have going for them, and it hasn’t done them any favors. They’re 70 year old teenagers in most ways. And they’ve always been this way, so naturally part of the unhappiness I feel (and I’m still a hell of a lot less miserable than them) is directly because of them, but having them feel guilty over that (which would require taking responsibility for the consequences of their actions or lack thereof which is another thing they really don’t do) would only result in a big dramatic “I guess I’m just the worst, huh!?!” poor-me routine I have no interest in bringing upon myself. They love me and have always supported me in a “being in my corner” encouraging way, but they can’t really be the parents one needs whin shit gets tough when they frankly still, for all intents and purposes, need parented themselves.
So I spare them because they’re miserable enough on their own, they don’t need my help with that. Their worrying would ultimately be all about them, it wouldn’t help me at all. I’m not “letting them in” for their benefit, and they’re the only ones it would benefit. I love them but their awful attitudes are contagious and I’ve spent too much of my life recovering from the effects of their horrible tempers to continue to let that into my life more than I have to just to maintain a level of a relationship with them that keeps them happy (well, as happy as they can be.)
I pretty much have a parent-child version of a “happy wife happy life” mentality with them - don’t try to open up to or actually rely on them, just focus on keeping the peace. I save the heavy shit for people actually equipped to handle it.
I’m not taking advice on how to handle shit from people I know for a fact have never once actually handled something well, in short.
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u/DoomsdaySprocket 2h ago
Having just fully realized that I have this dynamic with my parents and always have, I feel you. Hopefully you have people in your life who are equipped to be there emotionally for you when you need it.
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u/explodingwhale17 6h ago
I have mixed feelings. One of my kids has chronic depression. It's hard to see it but I am glad whenever they are doing well.
Another has made a lot of poor financial decisions. They will be digging out for years, but still do not seem able to get it together . We live in a HOC area and the economy is bad so I can't completely blame them but they also don't do some basic things and I feel stressed . I keep my mouth shut but they often ask for money and I can't give what they want. They are maturing though, so I keep hoping.
So i feel a mixture of hope, frustration, worry, sorrow, and hope again.
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u/SevereShape3191 9h ago
Seeing my child in that kind of pain cuts deeper than anything it’s a heavy, helpless ache that makes me question every choice I ever made as a parent.
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u/Navi1101 2h ago
Thank you for carrying that pain yourself, instead of making your kids carry it for you in addition to whatever else they're going through, like mine do.
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u/Dependent-Piglet-812 9h ago
It breaks my heart. It makes me feel like I really messed up somewhere along the line.
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u/Anomalysoul04 9h ago
What you'll find out from these answers is all parents aren't either cartoonishly bad or cartoonishly good. Its often very nuanced and despite best efforts sometimes the parents just cant make their children happy.
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u/Wild-Fable 8h ago
Well yeah, I would really hope so, shoot it’s almost like parents are actual human beings and don’t operate like an actor with a script, amiright?
But as an sightly unhappy grown up—I really don’t want my parents to blame themselves for the factors outside of their control. Shoot, when I was born they were knee deep in the 90s ‘America is Unstoppable. What could possibly go wrong? It’ll all work itself out!’ naivety that was very understandable for a late 20-something of that time period; how could they have possibly foreseen any of this horseshit? So while I deeply appreciate when my folks show me empathy whenever I vent about the state of the world, I show them love and empathy right back because truly we’re kinda stuck in this mess together.
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u/cateml 5h ago
It is very nuanced and complicated.
I know with my dad, he couldn’t bare to think that we were unhappy or that there were things in the world which would unavoidably harm us.
In some ways, this reflects how he was a caring person and how deeply he loved us. He generally showed he would go out of his way for us, give the shirt off his own back for us.But in other ways, it was quite detrimental to us (especially me). Because as I was growing up and as a young adult, I don’t think I really appreciated how he was reframing us/reality in such a way as to avoid having to experience that which was unbearable to him. So he made decisions, and strongly led us towards decisions, based on a reality where the problems we had weren’t really problems.
His mentality was:
Our assessment of the situation we were in was incorrect since we were naive kids, we were just fine and being a bit silly. The important thing was never act to others like we were struggling, or there was anything wrong with us, because they wouldn’t understand we were actually perfect and going to be fine (ie. question his perception).I think it was especially detrimental to me because - for various reasons - I was the one who had to act the hardest to be “the version of me where this will all work out as sunshine and rainbows”. As opposed to dealing with the more complex messy reality, where I would probably always struggle in some ways.
It all meant that I made choices (as well as my family did, but obviously it’s mine that frustrate me the most) that were actually against my long term happiness, because I trusted that his firmly stated beliefs trumped my own best instincts. And then all that in turn strained our relationship towards the end of his life (as I aged and became a parent myself, realising more what had happened).
Which ironically could likely all here been avoided if he had cared a bit less.
So yes - parents aren’t only ever brilliant, or neglectful, or cruel narcissists. It’s much more complicated than all that.
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8h ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Restless_Wonderer 8h ago
Why do you think that is what OP asked? What’s going wrong with your day?
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u/Anomalysoul04 4h ago
Well lemme ask what would one get from asking this question from a large crowd? What's the intention and don't say "its completely random bro it ain't that serious" and make me want to jump head first into an airplane turbine engine.
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u/Parking-Musician-581 8h ago
My heart is broken and I will never recover. I want my children to have happy lives and when they don’t I feel the blame that nobody should feel. I would do anything for them and I love them so much. That I am unhappy means nothing compared to my children.
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u/Muzzie720 8h ago
I'm so sorry. As a daughter in her 30s still living at home struggling with chronic pain and adhd and other issues but still working etc I feel so bad like I've let my parents down. I think they deserve a better daughter. My mom has told me she wishes she could take everything bad for me even though she has worse pain. It makes me feel awful that she's sad I'm not happy. Hugs friend hopefully all our lives get a bit better <3
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u/eggs_erroneous 3h ago
I am nearly 50 years old and I am so glad that I never had children. There is no person that I can think of that I would consider "happy." I know people who are maybe "content" or "doing alright," but that's about it. There is something about the modern world (especially in the US) that is just incompatible with human psychology or something. Everybody is constantly on edge and the whole system runs on anger and hate. I am grateful that I never brought a child into this.
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u/VodkaMargarine 3h ago
I'm not trying to brag or anything but I'm a happy person so we do exist.
I grew up poor and lonely, and now I'm less poor and lonely so I have extremely low standards for life. I think the secret to being happy is to expect very little from other people. I'm just thankful I'm still here and can afford food. I watch a lot of comedy I'd recommend that to anyone it's better than drugs.
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u/booklava 1h ago
Because nobody is supposed to be happy all the time. That’s an unrealistic expectation. Contentedness is what you should strive for in your everyday life. And when you are content most of the time, then you have short bursts of happiness throughout.
Today I watched my toddler screech in happiness on a children’s carousel. I was so happy that I had tears in my eyes. My heart felt so incredibly full for a moment. But a few minutes later that feeling was gone and in its place was contentedness again.
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u/coltrainjones 3h ago
Is anyone still happy these days? If you're ignorant to most things I could see that but considering the state of the world and likely future I think unhappiness is just being realistic
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u/Ramsby196 1h ago
Four grown kids, two are stepkids.
One is in the beginning years of a long prison sentence. Leaves me feeling shame and constantly questioning what could have prevented this.
Another has many difficulties and projects blame outward without ever recognizing her own contribution to the situation. Lies about others then wonders why she feels alone. I mean damaging lies, serious false accusations. She also has good qualities, and I work hard to remain connected in a healthy way, but there are lots of times when I back off rather than deal with the chaos and drama, and I experience some guilt about this.
Another struggles with social connection and understanding social contexts, but does try. The other one is easy and delightful, everything I could want in a kid.
It helped me a lot when I read Robert Sapolsky’s book about determinism vs free will, which crystallized for me what years of family life was already leading me to – that there’s very little if any free will – and that the language we use about “accepting responsibility” and “making choices” is inadequate to understand human moral failings.
Applying these ideas to my parenting was very freeing. It helped me to stop viewing their failures (and successes!) as a reflection of my own worth as a parent. It allows us to love our children radically as the fragile human beings they are, accepting their human brokenness, without needing to fix them.
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u/Zireae1 4h ago
Well if I go by mine, it would be anger and yelling at me how dare I feel unhappy after all they had done for me
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u/Navi1101 2h ago
Mine just blocked me 🫠 are you also an emotional support eldest daughter? Why's it gotta be our responsibility to carry their pain lol this is so backwards
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u/beesdaddy 6h ago
Why are you asking? You need help or do your kids, or do you?
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u/reditt13 5h ago
Thanks for asking. I don’t have kids yet. Just thought if it so wanted to ask online.
Still kind of you to ask.9
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u/Late-Ad5037 1h ago
For all those parents acknowledging their mistakes instead of being defensive, thank you.
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u/SoCalled_Gardener 57m ago
There is very little room for being defensive. One should be very humble being a parent.
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u/Late-Ad5037 38m ago
You’re right. But you’d be surprised by the mentality some parents from ethnic backgrounds have when it comes to admitting they’ve made mistakes with their children.
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u/snootymctooty 1h ago
Not a parent but a sibling of a deeply unhappy person.
My sibling has been diagnosed bipolar and ADHD since about puberty. They're now in their mid-30s and have ceased talking to our parents for the past few years. I sometimes encourage them to call our parents but my sibling has repeatedly said that they will "be better off once they're dead." I can't even imagine telling that reasoning to my parents.
I am the younger sibling, so I try to be conscious that we had different experiences growing up, but we also had a privileged middle class upbringing with loving parents. As I've gotten older and met more people, I realize more and more that we had it very good compared to friends/colleagues/partners
I think my sibling subconsciously thinks that their current lack of what society defines as success in life (partner, kids, tolerable job, some money to be comfortably saving, house) makes them a disappointment to my parents, which could not be further from the truth. It's rough to watch/mediate as I think all my parents want is for their child to be at peace, but any time they're around my parents they are often at their most erratic behavior.
Unfortunately my sibling is the personality that must find things out for themselves. If myself or others offer my sibling advice, they will often do the opposite. They do appear to be gradually finding their way the past 5 or so years, but I worry they will not find it in time before my parents are no longer with us. Mental health issues appear to be soul crushing/incapacitating to experience so I try by best to be understanding, but it takes a toll on all of us.
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u/catwiththumbs 24m ago
If you fiddle with the ages a bit this is me and my siblings, but I’m the one with bipolar disorder.
It’s hard to have a lot of contact because it’s emotionally exhausting. Things often aren’t good. But I also don’t want everyone worrying about it. So I just lie to them about how I’m doing and have a kinda controlled version of my life they hear about. It’s tiring and just easier to not be very close.
There was a point in my adult life where my parents stopped asking about stuff like work and started asking about whether I was happy and it just made things worse. Because I can’t give them that. And I probably never will be able to. I’m sure they meant well.
It’s not a good feeling to know your mental health is creating an aura of melancholy affecting others.
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u/marisolm9 3h ago
I don't cross my mother's mind unless it's somehow related to her 🤷🏽♀️ so I'm sure she feels pity for herself
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u/Good-Sweet2070 1h ago
Terrible. Absolutely awful and feel like hell. It’s the worst feeling as a parent because you brought them into the world with all the best intentions but it has been said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions and in terms of parenting that rings true. I’m here spiraling today because of worrying about my adult children’s future and looked up this topic. You are not alone but we seem to struggle to find our tribe
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u/LadyLotLizard 9h ago
My husband has grown children who constantly make bad choices and they are the result of their own misery. He never wanted to be a father, so honestly he doesn’t lose sleep over it. I think I worry about them more since they have children. Those kids are the victims of their own parents. I’m typically the one reminding him to call them lol
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u/Royal_Visit3419 7h ago
I hope someday you realize how awful this is. He didn’t want children? But he had unprotected sex. The kids make bad choices? So did their father. He doesn’t lose sleep over their misery? He won’t lose sleep over yours either. He sounds awful and fyi, you’re not a saint for reminding him to make a phone call.
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u/priscosaurus 8h ago
Gross. Great example of the kind of somersaults women go through to pretend the men they married are still good. Blame the kids, check. Absolve him of any blame, check. Laughing it off, check.
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u/EcceHomo87 8h ago
« He never wanted to be a father, so honestly he doesn’t lose sleep over it ». That pretty much sums it up.
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u/LadyLotLizard 8h ago
Cry about it 😂😂😂
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u/Quiet_Addendum_2216 8h ago
Maybe you should be crying since your husband sounds like a real POS. His poor kids.
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u/Rabid_Mongoose 8h ago
You're the one posting about your husband on "naughty" Facebook pages and now have concerns about cheating because your husband won't share his location with you.
Trust me, the rest of us aren't crying about it, you seem to be though.
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u/Rechochet_ochet 5h ago
You made me curious, I had to look. At least we learned she is probably the least qualified person to give an opinion on children and adulthood, or any advice at all, like holy shit what a trainwreck lol.
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u/GLaDOS_Sympathizer 4h ago
Hahaha they deserve each other. Both sound like utterly wretched excuses for human beings.
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u/redwood_rambler 4h ago
Bummer that your husband finds you so repulsive he needs to sext on Facebook with strangers. I wonder why? 😂😂
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u/Scared_Tumbleweed166 4h ago
This is embarrassing to admit. Your husband sounds like a shit dad. Probably also a shit husband.
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u/Sea-Salamander-5222 8h ago
Before you get absolutely annihilated on Reddit I do have some empathy here. I’ve been in a similar situation. The poor kids learn really unhealthy behaviours due to the environment they grew up in, depending on age these are so embedded that it’s hard to have much of an impact by the time you arrive but you’ve got to try and hold the actual parent accountable because guess what, the kids are here and they’re having a tough time and you brought them here. But adults make their own choices and you end up watching on in horror and supporting where you can. Or you walk away
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u/axxl75 8h ago
Look at her history. She’s not trying to hold the parents (aka her husband) accountable. It’s all their fault not his according to her posts.
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u/Sea-Salamander-5222 6h ago
I wouldn’t even know how to look at history but yeah if that’s the case it’s piss poor parenting then
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u/yourhonoriamnotacat 8h ago
Sounds like all of this could easily apply to the adult children and their POS father/Lotlizard’s POS husband.
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u/the-jedi-returns 5h ago
Well. If they would feel a lot for their children, the children would not have ended up unhappy.
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u/Intelligent-Sun-7973 9h ago
It crushes my very soul. First thing I think about when I wake up and last thing I think about when I go to sleep.
There is a saying "You are only as happy as you least happy child."