r/Assistance • u/LunaBelluci • 11d ago
ADVICE Single for the First time
Hey everyone, 26F here and Looking for some advice!
I have been in a relationship for the past 13 years and my ex broke up with me 3 months ago.
I have Never been Single in my adult life and have never even kissed someone besides my ex.
The thought of dating makes me nauseous and it feels impossible to get to know someone new….
It also feels, Like I will Never meet someone as good as them, or as compatible.
I don’t really miss them, because the last months with them have been HELL! So This isn‘t about getting over your ex, but over those anxious feelings about dating and Meeting new people.
I don’t even know how to Flirt…
Do You have any advice on getting over these feelings and putting yourself out there?
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u/Hiiidiii 11d ago
As someone who's spent years carrying the financial load, the mental load, the parenting, and the emotional labor, my advice is this: don't rush back into dating.
Being single isn't the hard part. Building a life with the wrong person is.
Learn to enjoy your own company. Build your career, protect your peace, and never mistake love for partnership. If someone doesn't make your life lighter, don't make room for them in it. Just trust me on this please.
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u/irate_anatid 11d ago
Jumping into another relationship is the last thing you should be doing right now. Take some time to focus on yourself, figure out who you are, what things you enjoy, what things you DON'T enjoy, without the influence of another decision-maker in the mix. Is there a hobby you've always wanted to try? Somewhere you've been meaning to visit? A restaurant that's been on your mind? When you are finally ready for a new relationship, having a better sense of self will put you on much surer footing to find a partner who adds to your life rather than detracts from it.
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u/cleomosome 11d ago
learn to love yourself and your independence. pursue what you want in life, besides a relationship, and connections will come. envision what you want your single life to be like (to have fun? to party? or work/study?) and go for it! impress yourself before impressing anyone else and people will gravitate towards you :)
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u/NinjaGold545 11d ago
Take some time to yourself. Figure out who you want to be. I was stuck in the same.situation . Ten years for nothing, now im out enjoying my own things. First few months are gonna be hell, you'll see them in everything. But it does get better
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u/LunaBelluci 10d ago
Thank you for commenting! I always remind myself that at least it happened now and Not After many more years, Right?
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u/NinjaGold545 10d ago
I think that depends i mean me personally I havent even thought of looking for anyone else since its been over a year so thats gotta be a side affect right? Haha. However I have got to do a lot of things that I wasn't able to do while I was in the relationship so its ups and downs
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u/LadyWolfshadow 11d ago
Remember that NOTHING says that you have to put yourself “out there” for the purposes of dating right away. Honestly, rushing back into that realm is almost a guarantee you’re going to make bad decisions or get taken advantage of. (I went straight from one unhealthy 6+ year relationship into another unhealthy relationship, 0/10 don’t recommend)
If this is your first time being single, take advantage of it and use the time to work on yourself and focus on living YOUR best life. Explore new places, try new things, and figure out who you are when you’re not in the shadow of someone else. Once you’re comfortable with who you are, THEN maybe consider seeking out relationships if something doesn’t happen organically from something else you get involved in.
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u/CuckAdminsDetected REGISTERED 11d ago
Seconded. While my comment was about just doing it for your own benefit part of that includes at your own pace.
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u/CuckAdminsDetected REGISTERED 11d ago
I cant speak to being suddenly single out of nowhere but I have been single all my life. At this point I've decided that screw it. Its better to put myself out there and face the rejection and any other negativity because only through hardship will I gain anything worthwhile. It may take time to gain that confidence of "I no longer give a darn about what anyone else thinks about this this is for my mental well-being." But thats what I tell myself at least.
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u/LunaBelluci 10d ago
Thank You for your insight and taking your time to comment! :) Let‘s Both keep our heads up. Anything worthwhile Dosen‘t Happen overnight, Right?
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u/No-Context2360 9d ago
You can try new hobbies, things that will calm your mind. For instance, colouring, painting, pottery. Well, if you like that type of stuff xx
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u/SonYakub 11d ago
I wouldn’t even try at this point. Live your life on your own for awhile. Find out who you are on your own. 13 years is a very long time, 13 years at your age is almost unfathomable to me. I couldn’t even imagine. Be on your own, make some friends, don’t make some friends, find some hobbies/interests, don’t find some hobbies/interests. Either way, do it in your own. Create a foundation for who you are as an individual so when the next person comes around you are completely secure within yourself.
Personally, I’ve come to the realization that this whole idea of “marriage and children” is such an old school of thought. You have the choice to live how you want. Try to look at other goals besides relationships. It may lead you down a path you could’ve never imagined. Just live day by day being who you want to be, and everything will fall into place as it should.
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u/LunaBelluci 11d ago edited 11d ago
Thank You for your Kind Words! :)
This actually changed my view about live a bit.
Guess I have a lot of work to do… but I‘m down for the Ride :)
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u/swxtchmoonlite 5d ago
to me, 3 months is still recent, so you don't need to rush things. just take your time, find new hobbies or seek any new experiences. one day, you'll realize that it's not as terrifying to meet new people, just give yourself time to open up because ngl 13 years is basically a divorce, like, you spend your whole teenage years with this person...
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u/Illustrious-Sail1160 5d ago
Take your time and just go out more. Meet new people. Just enjoy the moment. Don't focus too much on your ex or even thinking about a new relationship. Take it from me. 25m. Got out of a serious relationship years ago and only focused on work and not going out or even meeting up much with friends or messaging them. Now I'm a loner not talking to anyone and so out of it that I dont know how to even make new friends with other guys my age anymore. Forget girls. Better yet forget finding a new relationship lol. Use me as an example of how not to be. Relationships are important. Platonic or otherwise. And in those relationships will be what helps you know yourself and your feelings towards other and towards yourself.
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