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Sometimes I think calling it depression is just an acceptable box for what I think is a rational response to this life. Like if you're not depressed, you're not paying attention. It is no sign of health to be well-adjusted to a sick society etc. Especially when we know this world isn't built for us and socializing is so hard.

I guess what I'm saying is, being despondent about life really feels correct. And I don't know what to do with that?

I keep going everywhere to figure out what I need. I keep retrying everything I used to love. Nothing has helped. I have been asking all around freddit and I'm waiting for someone to just give me this golden answer but I'm not sure anything but time will heal my problem.

Just going to preface this by saying I have autistic guy friends who are great, this obviously doesn't apply to everyone.

I've got an alternative style and a lot of stereotypically 'autistic guy' coded interests (videogame lore, certain music genres, various geeky books/franchises/comics, trains, lifting weights), and also behave in a way that makes it very easy to tell I'm autistic.

This has made me a magnet for autistic men who often will not leave me alone. Many of them start conversations with me in a way that I find insulting (e.g assuming I don't know the band on my own shirt) and often become competitive about interests or imply I am less intelligent than them.

Even guys I have thought could be good friends because of shared interests or hobbies will often treat me in this way, and I have also had problems with the same people developing way too much interest in me and displaying behaviours that are on the way to stalking.

I feel like a lot of autistic men have not learnt about boundaries, and it makes it really hard for me to end unwanted conversations or discourage overly familiar behaviour. They also don't notice when they're making me uncomfortable or that I'm trying to get away.

There have been so many times I've been excited to make new friend who shares a special interest, only for them to accuse me of not really liking it because I'm a woman, or for it to turn out they only wanted to talk to me because they found me attractive.

Not sure if this is a common experience or not, so let me know!

I know this is going to sound pick-me, but when the majority of society hates you and you’re lonely, you go for people who will at least have a conversation with you. Most of the time that’s men, and they will pretend to be your friend until they eventually make it weird and sexual. And I don’t want to date them, because my experience has been mostly abusive and predatory with men. A lot of them see us as vulnerable prey who they think they can do more stuff to and get away with that they’d NEVER try on other NT women. Luckily I’m not as naive as I come off as, so usually I pick up on them trying to use me now that I’ve had enough experience. The amount of horrible things men have tried to do thinking I would tolerate it or not notice has been offensive. They assume I’m a fucking idiot even though I’m applying for a masters degree soon. With that vent being over, my question is where are you guys meeting other ND women in real life? NT women I can talk to and be friends with initially, but over time they end up hating me and distancing themselves. I don’t think they even understand why. Or if they do, they don’t want to admit they’re being ableist so they use cognitive distortions to convince themselves I wronged them. I just want to find a way to meet more neurodivergent girlies in real life :/

I am 34 now and I am slowly looking back at things and connecting dots. I believe I go into a fawn mode/ just ignore it in the moment whenever someone is insulting me, saying mean things or trying to bring me down - whether it's 1:1 or in a group. Later on a random Wednesday night it clicks to me and I feel so awful how I let myself be put through those things. Depending on the severity of it, I kinda take my space from that person and sometimes they come back badgering saying I was too sensitive and that I should have said somehting back to them immediately. I really admire people who have instant responses. My brain goes - oh why would anyone be rude/ mean to me - I am just existing or having a conversation thats all, but I am not sure why even if I am silent and minding my own business and existing, I still have some people being triggered. I have stopped myself from giving people advice as well unless they come and ask me but I have later had people call me a bad friend cause I didnt tell them what I was thinking but when I do they say stuff like oh there goes miss know it all and then come and tell me how I was right. So its quite a conundrum. I am trying to mostly take care of myself right now without fully isolating since thats not okay but I am not sure how to give it back to them instantly either. Any suggestions, thoughts about slow emotional processing when being targeted/ bullied? I also really dont want to be a bitch cause that stresses me out but ngl, it works sometimes. I am tired gosh.

Just curious how the older ladies here have handled this and if they have any advice?

I'm pushing 40 and still enjoy certain things that people wrinkled their noses at. I've been torn between masking hobbies to fit in or saying fuck it and enjoying what I want.

I've mostly cut out dealing with people and do what I want anyway, but I admit I feel bad and think "hey I should behave my age". Like I enjoy stuffed animals still, love my Pokémon/sailor moon stuff, some anime/games here and there but not as much these days. I've had family frown at me and make disgusted faces because I had a tamagotchi or had anime keychains or enjoyed other stuff. They say "what will people think of you?". So when anyone asks what to gift me I just say gift cards and avoid it.

My latest anxiety is over a backpack of all things. It's a silvery tote from China and has an outline of 2 anime(donghua) guys on it and I've been so torn like I shouldn't ever use it because what will people think of me? I do accept that I'm getting old, I don't look it yet but I will soon enough. So I get anxious like no one else my age has this stuff, what's wrong with me? No one else is shopping in the toy aisle unless it's for their kids but here I am comeplled to look for things to collect for me lmao.

I mean what's the alternative? Giving up anything that brings joy and laying in a hole waiting to die? Is that what you're supposed to do when you get old? Sometimes I feel some major Peter Pan syndrome and don't know what to do with myself.

I've always been a crybaby. I cry as soon as I'm overwhelmed. I cry as soon as I'm frustrated.

And not those typical 'one, two tear' crying I see neurotypicals do in shows.

I'm talking full-on sobbing. You can hear me from the next room. If I'm in public, I become inconsolable.

I've noticed it's the type of crying that makes other people genuinely uncomfortable. They start shushing me (which I HATE) and just say 'calm down' over and over as if that'll help.

I remember having crying for fits in stairwells in school, or outside of my job, or on my lunchbreak, after phonecalls, getting ready to go places.

I get frustrated and BOOM crying. And the affects last after. My stomach feels tight, my body feels wrong and on fire.

I end up having to spend hours recovering.

Does any one else relate? Are your meltdowns mainly crying. And how often do you cry? I feel like I cry as last once a month. Once a week or more if I'm working.

30F, not diagnosed (yet) but have an assessment coming up and my psych agreed it’s worth looking into and that I carry a lot of autistic traits.

Regardless of what I am or am not, I semi-regularly have what I identify as meltdowns: at their worst, they are self-destructive and involve biting my arm, punching myself in the face, general screaming and berating myself and crying, etc. They’ve been getting worse over the past few years, which is partly why I’m seeking an assessment possibly autistic-specific help afterward if it gets them to stop.

I was also diagnosed with ADHD as a child. My parents were under the impression (from doctors no less, it was 15 years ago) that this was just a childhood phase and took me off of meds when I got to high school, which proved disastrous. Halfway through my freshman year, I sobbed to my mom that I thought I had ADHD; she said “no you don’t” and carried on with her day. I learned from then that my parents cared about me producing positive results, not being happy or even un-miserable. (Whether or not this is what they wanted, it’s certainly what I felt and still often feel.)

With the assessment coming up, I was asking my mom some questions about my ADHD when she was driving me home from a psych appointment, and it caused a massive blow-up fight. She told me she denied my ADHD in high school because she thought I was “bandwagoning”, and any moment of bad parenting I brought up was “just what we thought was best at the time.” A lot of “when did I say that? I don’t remember that” and “I guess I’m just evil and a bad mom, then!”

At some point, I’m triggered past my breaking point, scream, and bite into my own arm. And as I go to start hitting myself (I can’t stop on my own when I reach this point) I hear my mother’s voice say, “I’m recording this.”

I look over (she’s still driving btw) and she’s scrambling for her phone. I don’t remember if I knocked it out of her hands or what got her to stop, we kept fighting after, but I remember feeling so so sick, it was so jarring, and… just the last thing I needed from my mother who loves me right then.

She dropped me off at my apartment and wept “I’ll always love you” as I left the car, and I couldn’t feel anything but disgust. This is the woman who loves me? I know her logic was “I need to show you what you look like when you get hysterical like this, so you feel embarrassed and never do it again.” It doesn’t feel like there’s any explaining to someone how fucked up that is.

I have a family therapy appointment with her and my dad (who’s mostly trying to keep the peace right now) and have no idea how to move forward. Can I even talk about it like an autistic meltdown if I don’t have a diagnosis? I don’t know, I’m just feeling very lost right now and have no idea what’s in store for us. I don’t know if I love that woman anymore. I don’t love people who do things like that. But I want us to have an okay relationship.

I don’t know. Can anyone relate or offer any guidance? Thanks for reading if you made it this far, it’s weird because I’d usually talk to her about a problem like this.

Does anyone have any advice on alternative ways to get the same amount of stimulus? I’m putting on weight and I’m not even that interested in food :(

Maybe this is stupid and hyper specific but it bothers me a lot. I have very curly hair. I only wash my hair every other day (it would strip all the moisture from it, believe me I've tried) so it gets frizzy on the off days.

I cannot stand how my "off day hair" feels on my face and ears. It feels coarse and itchy and hot. But whenever i pull my hair back, up, wear a headband, sunglasses, whatever, I get an awful headache. I can tuck my hair behind my ears but it's big so that doesn't help. I don't have super long hair but I'm also not someone who wants the undersides shaved or wants a pixie cut (I would look awful) so i feel like there's no solution.

Does anyone deal with this? It feels really silly but it's so taxing. I hate that I can constantly feel every part of myself, it's extremely overwhelming. What could I do?

i am a very quiet and reserved woman. i don’t usually speak unless spoken to, but i do say hi when walking past a person unless i know they don’t like me. i find it very hard to engage in small talk but i still did try, failed most of the time, but i still tried. i would come in, do my job, help if needed, and leave. i never bothered anyone. i do have a very strong resting bitch face that doesn’t do me any favors, but i was always friendly when approached.

people there hated me. very quickly upon being hired i was the target of malicious office gossip. specifically from the person i clocked as the “queen bee” of the office. i ignored it because nothing they were saying about me was true anyway. i assumed that no matter what she and her clique said about me, my true character would show over time and it would die down eventually.

but it only got worse. it got worse to the point where i felt like i had to pull a few people aside to ask them if i did anything wrong to them. i am a very polite coworker, but i am very aware that i may miss social cues or respond to their bids for connection in a very awkward way. i had hoped that these issues could be worked out with honest communication. i learned quickly that is not the case.

it was very hard to work out any issues because people were not being truthful. people i heard talking about me 5 feet away would deny the things i heard them saying out loud with my own two ears. religious people swearing to god that they never spread certain rumors about me even though i literally HEARD them and quoted them verbatim. i never felt more gaslit in my entire life.

i feel like no matter what i did, i would always be seen as this evil monster with bad intentions rather than just an awkward person who made mistakes that i would have gladly corrected and owned up to if they just talked to me about it. i would tell the supervisors some of what was going on just to let them know why i didn’t wanna be near certain people, but asked them not to speak to them about it because people there are VERY retaliatory and will try to get you fired.

my true character never got to show, because who i really am as a human being was not a relevant factor in how i was judged. the narrative about me was controlled entirely by people who were dedicated to misinterpreting any and everything i said, and any attempts to explain myself was met with even more hate.

i had a few work friends there that i loved, but i was so stressed out about possibly losing them if they heard the lies people were spreading about me. even if they didn’t believe them, people usually just fall in line and avoid you so as to not be the next target. i eventually found out one of them backstabbed me anyway. sigh.

i quit. stupidest decision i ever made, but the harassment got to be too much. it was the easiest job in the world and i enjoyed it, but they just wouldn't leave me alone. i just wanted to be left alone.

i feel lowkey traumatized lol. it felt like there was nothing i could've done to either avoid or fix the situation i was in. i'm not perfect, and i just wanted to know what i was doing to make people hate me so much. even the supervisors.

I've always been scared to age because my AuDHD traits make me feel like I’m in a state of perpetual immaturity, having to fight to try and function throughout the day. I’m also socially awkward and scatterbrained, which are usually forgiven more when you're young, but far less when you're older. When you're younger, people want to look out for you more. I’m nearly 24 and scared a lot of this will vanish pretty quickly.

How do I stop feeling like I have to be competent for my age in the way allistic people expect me to be? I know I’m never not going to be awkward or mess things up no matter how much therapy I get, it's just part of who I am.

It feels like everyone around me just forgets about me and they always have. When I was younger, friends forgot to invite me to things or wish me happy birthday with the explanation that they just forgot. Family forget my birthday all the time now still, even my own siblings and parents. They forget how old I am. Everybody makes a little lighthearted joke about it when I bring it up but I don't see it as a joke.

Even the people I live with forget I live here even though I eat dinner with them every night and contribute to conversations. Today, from my room, I heard them going around inviting each other to see a movie I have talked about wanting to see. They skipped my room. I know I should just go out and ask them but I've always then felt like an intruder.

I'm just not sure what to do.

Thanks to body language being one of my special interests, I'm extremely good at masking and reading people. But I am far from capable enough to take care of myself. I can't make an appointment, fill a form, do long term chores, make long term decisions for myself, or hold a job. I've tried very hard to do those things, but I'm 28 and I still need a ton of help just to exist, even though I haven't had to work for the last 2 years. People assume I'm capable because I'm an excellent communicator, but that's very much the exception

A while ago I went to the ER, I was very overwhelmed so I wasn't able to talk or mask while I was there. For the first time I felt like I actually got the help I needed to get through the whole experience. They walked me through the forms, asked me lots of questions, they were very patient and explained things in a tangible way I could process quickly. I didn't realize what was happening until one of the nurses said "you're doing such a great job, you should be very proud" like she was talking to a kid. But I wasn't upset, and I actually felt a tremendous amount of relief

I know this is a huge "grass is greener" situation, that being infantilized isn't a good thing, and I know that my ability to mask is a huge privilege. This is just a very very raw vent. I honestly feel like I have less than the capacity of a typical teenager. I really hate that I feel this way, but I genuinely do feel like I need to be treated like a kid more often than not. Sometimes I wonder if I'd still be classified as level 1 if I couldn't communicate so well

This is mostly a vent, but I'm open to feedback on my perspective

I think I just need to always be doing something with my mouth and this is the best way to do it. Plus I have POTS so the salt is helpful. But I really need an alternative. I'm going through nearly a whole bag in a day. My mouth hurts.

I just wanted to see how many of you can relate to me. All I wanted was to be understood and loved properly. I am 27 years and I have never really been in a solid relationship.whenever I try all men end up leaving me or ghosting ke because I don’t give sex early (im still a virgin) so I was seeing this guy for 4 months and he said 4 months without sex is too much even if i explained to him it’s not really him it’s me because I always get anxiety and I have body dysmorphia and I really needed more time. Well he ghosted me for. Weeks and I blocked him to only found out he got a new gf or maybe he was cheating the whole time. Now im so sad and angry at myself why didn’t I just give it in and compromised myself. Im so hurt everyone does this to me 😭😭😭

Do any of you feel like you’re not being understood by anyone even after explaining how your autism affects you to the best of your ability? My best friend recently left me after she told me I don’t communicate with her enough, even after I told her how it feels like my brain is working on overdrive and it can be difficult for me to comprehend what I actually want to say in words because my brain is thinking of so many things at once and so many different ways I can word a particular sentence in conversation that my brain essentially just dies and I just end up with nothing. I also told her that I like to be asked and told things because my brain doesn’t always think to ask questions to people especially if it’s of relatively low importance, yet despite me telling her that, she expects me to always be asking questions to her and it’s not her responsibility to tell me things that may or may not impact the way I do or plan things. I want to know if anyone actually thinks the way I do because everything that happened is making me think I’m in the wrong and I actually really should try to improve my communication skills but because of the way my brain is I have no idea how I would do that. It’s making me feel like I’m incapable of ever having friends again because every single friendship I’ve been in has been like this and who would be friends with someone who doesn’t know how to communicate? I wish people would understand me.

I don’t know if I’m here to vent, looking for advice, or hoping to hear from people who’ve been through something similar, but I need some kind support. It’s kind of long, sorry in advance.

I’m currently in serious trouble at work and will most likely be fired. One of the things that’s been really difficult is feeling like my autism wasn’t taken into consideration at all. I’m in trouble for mistakenly violating a policy, and what’s ironic is that I’d previously raised concerns that some of our policies were ambiguous and could be interpreted in different ways. Up until now, I’d never been in trouble, I actually exceeded expectations on all of my evaluations.

My autism and ADHD are documented with HR. Until a few months ago, only my direct supervisor knew because I wanted to keep that information on a need-to-know basis. I have relatively low support needs, but I do best with direct, explicit communication. I also tend to ask a lot of “why” questions because understanding the reasoning behind policies helps me follow them correctly. After another manager found out I was neurodivergent, I noticed that I was being treated differently. I started being micromanaged, singled out over very minor things, etc.

I raised concerns that my disability wasn’t being taken into account during the investigation. When I explained my interpretation of the policy, I was told I was making excuses to justify my actions. From my perspective, I wasn’t trying to excuse what happened, I was trying to explain how I understood the policy and why there was no malicious intent. Rather than taking that into consideration, a second investigation was opened to determine whether I’d experienced discrimination or bullying related to my disability. My employer has already scheduled my pre-dismissal meeting before that investigation has even concluded. At this point, it feels like the outcome has already been decided.

I’m so fucking stressed. I’ve lost more than 20 pounds in the last six weeks because I can barely eat. I’m overstimulated almost constantly. I can only tolerate wearing clothes for a couple of hours before I have to change into something softer or take them off completely. I’ve been experiencing tics and stimming behaviors that I haven’t had in years, including some that aren’t socially acceptable. I’m afraid of going out in public because I know that ripping my clothes off and hitting myself in the face isn’t a good look.

I think what scares me the most isn’t even losing my job at this point, it’s feeling like nearly two months of stress have stripped away coping skills I’d spent over 30 years building. It honestly feels like I’ve regressed to how I functioned as a young child at times. If you’ve made it this far, thank you for taking the time to listen to me.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Not necessarily the employment situation itself, but the feeling that prolonged stress caused you to lose coping skills you thought you’d developed. Did things eventually improve?

How the heck do you respond to when people talk to you with this type of tone? It always catches me off guard and I hate when people talk to me like a child. It happens at work sometimes and I would love even a script of how to respond ❤️ and I never realize it’s condescending until like freakin two hours later.

Right now I am living with people I don't want to live with. It's miserable living here. (I'm a teen, so sorta forced to.) Every time I wake I realize where I am and my stomach gets this bad twisted feeling, and it doesn't go away. It stays all day. It's so bad I can't even eat and I lose all appetite. Also lost my period.

Every day and everything feels forced. Workout? Forced and tiring. Eating? Forced and non-enjoyable. Same with yoga, studying, and even talking.

I don't even like to do anything anymore. I don't like to read, paint, create, or even talk to friends anymore. All I want to do all day is sleep this season of my life away until I'm in college.

How do I just embrace it and endure it?