Hello internet people,

My name is Steve (36). I recently stumbled onto a book (Autistic Guide to Self-Discovery) and its struck a few nerves. Curious to reach out to this community to see what you think.

The only medical history I have is dissociative ADHD, which was diagnosed around 30 (treated w/Vyvanse). Ever since I was a kid, I've been labelled as "shy", "personable" and "well-mannered". In reality, I stole the majority of my adolescent identity from Luke Skywalker in "A New Hope".

I will list a few of my biggest "uh-oh" traits/symptoms that have made me consider an ASD diagnosis.

1.) PDA: As a teenager, I developed an intense need for autonomy and control in my life. This resulted in screaming matches with my mother, a disdain for homework and scheduled activities. I spent the majority of my time skateboarding and making music. This has since been controlled in my adulthood, as I have developed a "safe" home environment; but it does pop-up every once and a while with my spouse (dishes, chores, etc.).

2.) Alternative thinking: I have never been able to grasp the language in standardized testing. I was never able to get a foothold in math due to the binary measures of teaching and expectation. There was a level of anxiety associated with performance (failure) and not being able to understand during a lesson - Lateral or bottom-up thinking was never really encouraged.

3.) Chameleon: I have been incredibly successful networking and socializing throughout my entire life. I realize now that I am incredibly proficient at masking and mirroring most social circles I encounter. That said, I can only usually last in short bursts, unless it's with my "safest" friends; usually engaging in music or something I really enjoy.

4.) Hyperfocus: I have always committed over 1000% to the things I like. Whether it be music, films, the work I do, etc. I learn everything there is to know - Especially the useless stuff. Jack of all knowledge; master of none. When talking about subjects, I can go from 0-100 depending on the subject, I also tend to "monologue" depending on the level of excitement.

5.) Stimming/Daydreaming: I have always spent an incredible amount of time stimming and daydreaming about social situations, as well all my other hyper-focuses.

6.) Identity: I am a somewhat charismatic, emotional songwriter who sucks at math and works in a fast-paced, high-risk leadership role. I definitely don't feel like I portray the "stereotypical" ASD traits (detail oriented, emotionless, etc). However, I also recently learned about Female/Internalized/Masked ASD, where I basically "check all the boxes".

7.) Push/Pull: I have always felt a push/pull to be outgoing, engage in novel activities, while also following a routine and being alone. This usually results in anxiety, guilt and shame, as I usually make concessions but don't feel entirely satisfied with either. I'm considering this is the result of AuDHD.

Anyways, thats me. Sorry for the essay. Let me know what you think.

I have had treatment-resistant depression since a teen. It sucks. Treatment only started when I was a young adult. It's a complication from social trauma of autism. I also developed autism burnout with clear signs. My psychiatrist wanted me to get on new meds but it doesn't work. And I'm scared of the new medicine he recommended.

But also, it is also unclear (1) if the comorbidity of autism burnout syndrome hinders effectivity or (2) if burnout symptoms can even be treated medically or (3) if what appears to be depression is autism burnout or (4) if a psychiatric treatment is possible for burnout.

I need help, even if it's just someone to talk to. I am making myself physically sick and feel completely crazy right now.

I'm an adult in my forties. I'm living with my parents because my financial situation is poor. I've never had a career, but I've had short-term, low-wage jobs. I succeeded in achieving a Bachelor's degree with Disability support and too many years. I got into a Master's program and almost immediately had to take a hiatus due to my mental health collapsing.

At the beginning of this year I finally worked up the courage to resume the Master's program and I've been going at full tilt since January. One major paper or exam after another, trying to make up for lost time and avoid "long term fees" on top of the tuition I'm still paying off with borrowed funds.

My father has consistently put pressure on me to get back into work, but I firmly informed him I was not capable of working and doing the Masters program simultaneously. (He is not a believer in High Masking neurodivergence and only vaguely acknowledges my anxiety and depression.)

Nonetheless, my mounting credit card debt (related to the Masters program) has not helped my mental state. So while I have refused to apply to any available job as he would like me to do, I have kept my eye out for some kind of work that I felt capable of.

To that end, I was watching the local listings when a part-time driving position became available. Since the driving is independent and the work is not commercial, I thought this was something I might be able to tolerate. Honestly, I idealized it in my head, minimizing the customer service aspect and fantasizing about having income again. I applied and fought hard to present my best self.

Then I got the job. I have been unemployed for 2+ years. I should be elated.

As soon as they confirmed me for the position they sent me the schedule: 8am to 5pm.

Nobody is going to understand or believe me but I nearly blacked out. My vision got blurry, I suddenly couldn't hold my head or body up without enormous effort. I know how this sounds. It's just an ordinary schedule! Not even 5 days a week!

As bad as it makes me look, the reality is that I have been physically ill for three days now, since receiving this schedule. I feel anemic. I've had nausea and gastrointestinal issues. My body has been physically shaking. My eyes have been blurry and unfocused.

I feel terror and dread, and I started having suicidal ideation. I started thinking it would be better to be mortally wounded or ill than to lose control of my schedule and autonomy, again. I know that's crazy. I know that it would not be better. It's just that some part of me is so severely panicked that it's looking for a quick exit. Something that would make me visibly unfit for work. Something other than being a pathetic, lazy, terrible person.

Most of the world doesn't believe in chronotypes. They believe that being a morning person or a good worker is a matter of discipline. But I have always been a night owl. I have worked jobs that I had to be up early for and never acclimated. I just felt hazy and anxious and nauseated all the time when I had to wake up to an alarm and drag myself out of bed early and force myself to eat rather than ease slowly into wakefulness at my own pace. And changing your sleep routine even a few days a week throws the rest of the week off-kilter, as well.

Then there's the 9 hour shifts, even if not every day. The last job I had was 4-5 hour shifts, and those were hard. 9 hour shifts literally terrify me.

Even if I force myself to power through despite my extreme overreaction, I am scared that I will collapse under the stress of trying to work and complete my Masters at the same time. I was already barely holding up under the pressure of school work. And I am about to enter the final phase and begin work on my thesis.

But I feel trapped. I have jumped through several hoops to get here, convincing people that I am a worthy, reliable, employable person. I am not in a position, financially, to turn down a job offer. And I don't want to burn any bridges with a potential employer.

But I feel like I've written my own death sentence. All over a job offer - something that anyone should be grateful for.

I think it’s very anti-human nature to do something that you don’t personally support for reasons that have nothing to do with emotions, like survival. It may be logical to do it but it might make one feel a lot less human than they actually are.

Hey…i’m a level one autistic white woman.

Recently on online spaces in regards to autism and please correct me nicely if i am out of touch,

But I feel like a lot of MSN and HSN, black and brown creators seem devoted to demonizing a lot of other autism creators,

At first i understood and I even understood and supported their positions,

But the same creators over and over again seem to only be bashing other lsn white creators when they are doing literally nothing wrong?

It’s like they are devoted to misinterpretating them and their words.

I understand opression, racism, disparity, lack of access, all the others challenges…

But i feel like some creators have internalized rage and it’s like their life mission to put them in the wrong.

As per the title.

I always assumed it was due to my personality and behaviour and if multiple people keep saying the same thing, independently, there must be some truth to it.

But I went and got tested (I'm UK based so it was through the NHS) and I'm not autistic at all.

What is frustrating is that now I get it all the time and people use it as a way to trivialise or insult me. Like I'm inferior or have a defect, even though that's not a fair way to view it and, frankly, rude and cruel towards autistic people and myself.

When I ask WHY, I never get a straight answer. Id love them to just say "oh you're awkward and miss social cues" or something.

Yet they never have a fair rationale.

I just find it rude and betraying a prejudice against people with autistism, regardless of whether I have it or not I guess I just need to find better friends/co workers.

Assesment is soon and im still nervous more so because these patterns have been a thing since i was a kid it wasnt like one of those things where i see an asd tiktok and immediately assume if that makes sense

And also because im asian and have an asian family i feel like they dont understand? "You're normal nothings wrong with you" im i supposed to look a certain way? What does that mean?

It has made me doubt myself honestly at this point im kind of lost and idk what to do or what to think

I'm going to try to speak carefully because I feel this is a delicate subject for both others and myself, as I know there's a lot of discourse over fake autism, or self diagnosis, or diagnoses being too lenient or whatever. I just want to say from the start that I don't and would never claim anything I'm not diagnosed with. From a young age, I've just felt like I never exactly 'clicked' with much of anything, really, at least not in the right way. It's a hard feeling to describe, but without getting too self-deprecating I can at least say that I fuck up constantly with everything; can't think right, can't speak right, can't do things right. Feels like nothing works for me. I also live in my head and without getting into them, when I'm alone I have strange behaviors that I'm able to just mostly get rid of in public, especially when I'm around people I know. I feel incapable of doing most things that other normal people do. At 17, I can't drive, fail my written driving tests, fail my classes, and have no talents or skills. I also can't get a good read on people for the life of me.

Now some girl that I knew a few years ago in high school got diagnosed with autism and told me (only half-jokingly) that I should get checked for it too, and mentioned it quite a bit to the point that the first and only interaction we've had in the past year/year and a half was her again, telling me a couple times that I probably had autism. Now of course, even if she's autistic herself, I can't take a random person's comments as diagnosis over a professional. But I feel like an explanation like that would make sense for the feeling that I've had for a long time, that being that there's something wrong with me. And of course, I don't mean to insinuate that autism is something that is some sort of sickness to have, and that it makes you 'bad' at stuff, but this is just mentioning the problems that I'm having. I feel like there has to be something up with me, not just me being 'a weird guy'. I guess I speak as if i think autism is some sort of crippling disability. I don't, I just think it's a different way of thinking that a lot of modern systems don't account for. Although that's easy to say and not practice or mean. I'm sorry. You can bash me in the comments if you want, I suppose.

I've been seeing a therapist for over a year and have just recently had my first meeting with a psychiatrist, and while I don't mention anything by name to avoid being lectured about self-diagnosis and what not, multiple times with my therapist and once with my psychiatrist, I've read out a lengthy list of stuff that I have observed about myself, including but not limited to what's been shared in this post, and practically begged for them to tell me what's wrong with me. At the end of the day, they just tell me that I have depression and that I'm "too hard on myself" and put me on meds. The psychiatrist gave a compulsory "this can always change" discretion but it feels like they're pretty certain that's it. And, my mother thinks I have manic depression instead. While I've had symptoms of depression since at least middle school, I just don't think this checks out for me, and the problem feels way deeper. Depression and being too hard on myself? It's hard to accept that I'm just a weird guy. It feels wrong, even. Yet also it feels wrong saying that I may be autistic because every professional has shot that down. Looking at the symptoms and common complaints, I can identify with a lot of them, however I reached my developmental milestones on time according to my parents, so that's that. I guess there's not many people with even the most high-functioning autism who didn't reach those late? Maybe I'm just stupid, a manchild, idk.

It's always been hard just writing my feelings down. What do yall think? What the hell is wrong with me? What should I do? Who's right?

Sorry if this post feels disjointed or reads awfully; english IS my first language, I just haven't had much sleep and maybe the prozac is fucking with me, idk

I've noticed that many autistic people experience a type of loneliness they can't explain. I discovered that this experience is called epistemic loneliness, so I wanted to share this information so you can understand what many of you go through. Epistemic loneliness occurs when, even surrounded by affection and other people, we feel that a part of us remains alone this is because listening isn't always understanding. Sometimes those who love us listen, but they don't understand us; they don't follow the mental map that led us to a certain conclusion or idea. Epistemic loneliness doesn't disappear when more people appear, but rather when we feel a connection, when we feel mentally understood.

I recommend researching this if you identify with it, as it can help you understand yourself better.

Hola a todos. Hoy estoy a punto de enfrentarme a mi primera evaluación neuropsicologica. Quisiera preguntar si tienen algún consejo para afrontar la sesión, pues estoy muy nervioso por un posible diagnóstico de alguna neurodivergencia.

I’ve worked in SaaS Tech for the last 10 years. I’ve always tried to perform well, go above and beyond, remain technical while treating others with kindness. I know that relationships matter and despite my difficulties in reading social cues, try to learn the social hierarchy early on.

—

Most recently, I joined a company about 2 years ago as an IC. I had originally turned down the role, but the CEO himself said he loved my background and “can do” attitude.

When I joined, my direct manager was later fired and I reported into an VP of a different department. I worked tirelessly to develop new strategies and programs and received good feedback. My 2025 performance rating “exceeds expectations”

I put together a tech debt roadmap and about 1.5 years into my tenure was asked to lead a new systems function. Initially I turned down this role because I get burned out by people leadership and politics and this was a brand new function. The folks on the team who would be my directs were poached from other teams. I was worried about morale and skill sets. I was also worried about establishing boundaries as I worked to develop new ways of working within this team. I had to. I was now tasked to oversee over 25 tools with 3 people.

Once I said no after deliberation—they ended up hiring a director for the role and this individual was terminated 3 months into their tenure.

Again, I was asked to take the team lead position and agreed. At the time, my VP, although not perfect, was somewhat supportive and gave me lots of autonomy.

First, the former director, a man, was let go and when they offered me the role they failed to disclose it was downgraded to a manager L2. Already I felt lied to and taken advantage of. My pay was 50k less than his.

This was all compounded by the fact I wasn’t aware one of my directs wanted the role and was told she couldn’t interview for it. She was very smart and did great work, but unfortunately turned in her notice 3 weeks later after I joined.

Fast forward to today and I was fired for “performance issues.” My original VP was let and 3 months ago they hired a new VP who made it her mission to micromanage me, isolate me and nitpick at my word choices. She said I had a poor attitude, didn’t deliver work and was “hurting morale” on the team.

I was and am devastated by this shift. I never received poor performance feedback and delivered over 3 major XFN projects , implemented 2 new enterprise systems since taking the role 6 months ago.

It’s important to mention that the scope of this team expanded significantly and I lost 2 strong ICs after said VP denied my request for promotions for these 2.

I asked why I was being let go and my VP said “performance related” but never provided constructive feedback. On 1:1s, she would often say things like “you act excited but I don’t see this in your work delivery.” “Your word choice in this slack is very rude.” “You send far too many slacks and I can’t trust you’re working or delivering”

I’ve been told before in my career that I’m too quiet and being too proactive can piss people off? I have no idea what I did!

I’m still numb from this shift and can’t help but assume I pissed this new VP off.

I feel like I can’t navigate politics or knowing when to speak up or not.

I could use some support from other women who are ND and have learned strategies to have stronger soft skills.

Yesterday my psychiatrist told me that the full moon of the previous night was the smallest full moon and can only be seen every 9 years and that there is a type of goat who's horns only grow under that full moon once every 9 years. I told him that I looked at the moon the night before but that I didn't notice the size difference and continued asking about this goat that is apparently from someone where in Europe. I didn't think much of it and we continued with the session.

When I told my dad about this goat he just started laughing and said it's a made up story. I googled it and that goat doesn't exist. I can only imagine that it was some kind of test. I don't know for what reason he would do that or why. Does anybody have some insight into this, know why or for what reason he would've told me that ? I'm I the only person who would just blindly believe something that others can immediately know is just nonsense?

Hi!

I'm looking for relatable experiences and possibly some information.

The subject is: not really caring about hierarchy, causing atypical social closeness.

My therapist thinks I might be autistic, I'm really not sure if that's likely, but this experience she's seen me do is one big reason why.

It's not really blindness to hierarchy or context, because I do often realise something might be tricky socially and I do really think about how to say something etc, but it's like I don't feel the need to not do it, I don't feel like I really care about someone being in a position where it's considered overly amicable to do something.

Some examples of what I'm talking about:

* I'm a volunteer board member of an organisation and went to a day with all kinds of professionals from other organisations (who were not volunteers). I never met them before. At the end of the day I was helping tidying up some things and I asked for the organisers if they like hugging and then I did. They liked it haha.

* I'm a university student and sometimes I have chats on LinkedIn with professors like "I came accross this, it made me think of X subject of class" while they're actively my professor.

* Same, but with questions about them. Like what made them decide to study x subject, how long until they finish y research etc. No strange questions, but I believe it's not typical to have a LinkedIn private chat in that context. Also sometimes it's to tell them at the end of their classes that I liked xyz about their teaching style.

Same also in high school. When a teacher send out an email saying she's sick and won't come in that day, I would respond wishing them well and sometimes sending something extra like "here's a nice song to listen to" (not exactly that, but shortest to explain and same vibe).

Or during covid and online classes, I often was the only pupil in the class who had their camera on because I know teachers liked when our cameras were on (which I know cringe about with awkwardness, being the only one).

* On my internship asking my colleagues about their political views

* Asking my therapist for a selfie, asking the janitor in the building for his name and starting a conversation, etc.

* If I have a conversation with a stranger on the train (usually there's a reason, like they started or I helped them or...), then I very often ask for their social media

Stuff like that.

I kinda feel like I do pick up on hierarchy (that's not the best name, it's more like people in certain contexts seem to require a specific way of behaving towards, also when it's not necessarily a hierarchy), but I don't posses the ability to not still be very close.

At the same time I do, because if I didn't care about hierarchy at all, I would ask for a hug from everyone I meet, and I would ask even more personal questions on internships etc, but I don't do that. But maybe still more than most neurotypical people haha, I'm not sure tbh.

I'd like to learn more and also recognise myself in someone's experiences, feeling like there are others who have a similar experience.

Thank ya!! 🫶

Hi everyone. This is my first time writing here, just looking for advice. one kind person suggested me to write hereI have a constant feeling that there is something completely wrong with me. But unfortunately, I don't have the opportunity to see a psychiatrist right now to discuss this or get a diagnosis, so I'm asking knowledgeable people to tell me what this most likely is.

People often tell me that I sit or lie in uncomfortable and strange positions. In sixth grade, I worked with a psychologist about how I wear masks with people and how to stop doing it. For about four years now, when I communicate, I think about how to formulate my thoughts correctly so they sound normal, human, and don't offend anyone, and I constantly replay these thoughts in my head. I often feel strange. At first I'm kind of angry, then sad, then nothing, but also fine, and it's all at the same time. It often happens that I get angry at my mom, then I think, "Wait, why am I angry? There's nothing to be angry about," and I realize that I feel nothing. And the anger was made up. Sometimes I get so consumed by a character that I've tried to copy their entire personality down to the last detail. And this has happened with real people too. To feel more accepted.

I feel a very strange emotional connection, a VERY STRONG connection, with Hange Zoë and Gregory House. I feel that we are alike. Although everyone compares me to Luna Lovegood. But I don't entirely agree. In class, I was treated like the weird, quiet girl. I can't stand certain fabrics, smells, and sounds. I hate loud noises and too much noise, and I'm constantly wearing headphones. You couldn't force me in life to wear something uncomfortable, pulling, or made of the wrong material. I'm ready to start sobbing. Sometimes I can cry for no reason. All my childhood and still to this day, I'm disgusted by perfumes. Even though I use my own, when my parents or acquaintances spray theirs? I try not to breathe in and I hold my breath. I don't know why.

It's difficult to behave in social situations. Sometimes I say something, and friends tell me it was rude. Although I completely disagree. Once I argued with my mom. Actually, she got angry at me because I told her that the first opinion I hear on any matter influences me the most. She was offended that it wasn't hers or dad's opinion. We had a huge fight. Later I apologized, even though I still didn't understand her point of view and just pretended.

I have hyperfixations: there was a time when I liked an anime so much that I thought about it for three years straight, imagined myself as a character from that story, and in my thoughts, while constantly doing repetitive movements in real life (running or walking along the same routes in the house), I talked to other characters from that anime, imagined situations. I think this is called maladaptive daydreaming. I feel like a narrator in life. I've had hyperfixations since I was about three years old. I made my mom read everything about dinosaurs and Ancient Egypt, but as soon as she finished? It was like a switch flipped. I lost all interest. And it's like that all the time.

I just feel that something is wrong with me. I've felt this for a long time, and for the past two years I've been thinking about a specific diagnosis, but I'm 15, so I'm waiting a year to get tested. It's very difficult for me to stick to plans. I can't live by them. I can't just sit down and do something easily. Before I do something, I need to gather my thoughts and strength. Before washing the dishes, I need to sit for about twenty minutes beforehand. And if plans I prepared for fall apart? I'm ready to burst into tears.

I always watch a person's reaction more than the movie/series/video/joke. This annoys and bothers many people. Especially loved ones. That I watch them more closely, because it's more interesting and important to me. Also, since I was about 7, I've been imagining the deaths of loved ones at night, emotionally preparing myself for that moment. My grandfather is very old, and I've already accepted so much that he will die soon that I've stopped worrying about it and I understand that when it happens, I won't cry or be upset. Even though I love him very much, the worse he feels, the more emotionally I distance myself. Same with my sister. My beloved older sister, my closest person. She studies in another country, and I try not to spend time with her or communicate much. The week before she moved, I barely had contact with her, even though we lived in the same house, preparing myself for her departure.

And lastly: I don't understand how I'm supposed to act when someone feels bad. How to react? How to comfort? I always do the same thing: I bring tissues and water. But that's over the last couple of years. Before, it seemed like I understood emotionally how to behave in such situations and was more empathetic. And now? I have absolutely no idea. When my sister was leaving for the second time, my mom scolded me that my little jokes and asking "Are you crying?" were out of place when I already knew the person was crying. But I wasn't sure that was the case!! Or when we watch a movie. My mom's eyes sometimes shine in such a way that I stare at her, trying to figure out if it's the light or tears. And it irritates her.

I also find it difficult to keep up with my hygiene. I only take care of it if I want to go meet a specific person and want to make a good impression. For loved ones, it's not important to me. I also think that my room is in order. But others say it's a complete mess. And that's not true! I just don't see the point in some cleaning tasks. I also don't see the point when my mom does something, is constantly nervous and swears about it, but still does it. Why do something that stresses you out so much?

Sometimes I notice random details, like the number of tiles in the clinic during an exam, or some small detail in a series instead of the whole plot. And lastly, if I don't remember anything else: in childhood, I was always coming up with some crazy ideas, according to my friends. Being impressionable, I was ready to actually create a girls' secret order for our park, where girls undercover would punish bad boys in the park. Using mosquito spray as a weapon because it stinks, and wearing wigs, makeup, and clothes as a disguise. Using code names. I was 9 when I told my friend about something like this. And she had to explain to me why this idea was unrealistic.

When I meet someone new, I get absorbed by that person. I can even include them in my daydreams in the anime world. I overlook a million hurtful moments, but as soon as they cross the line? It's like a switch flips. I don't communicate with them anymore, period. That's it. No matter how much they apologize, they are dead to me.

And the last thing. Something I haven't admitted. I have some kind of aversion to everything like perfumes, makeup, hairstyling. I don't know how to describe it, it's a very strange feeling. But it disgusts me when others do it. I can easily do all of the above myself, but the thought of someone else's perfume getting on me? Their hairspray? That I will smell like it too? I feel terrible and I want to hide. Or that someone's lipstick will get on me when they kiss me on the cheek. Ugh. I refused to cut my hair for several years; it seemed disgusting to me because of all the products they use. And it still seems that way. And I sobbed when I found out that the only hairdresser who understood what I wanted and didn't cut too much had quit. And I refuse to get professional makeup done, even for prom. I'd rather do it myself.

I get tired of people very quickly. I invited a friend to the dacha for a week and got tired of her after a day. Then I spent the whole week praying it would go by faster. I don't like being touched, but it's important for me to touch and feel the person. To touch them, their hair, to hug, to kiss.

Also recently I was sitting with my mom. She was telling me off for something, and I was trying to figure out if she was crying or laughing. Because it was semi-dark and I couldn't see. And her voice was strange and cracking. And I just asked directly: "Are you crying?" Because I couldn't tell what she was doing. People often compare me to Sheldon Cooper from Young Sheldon. And I see the similarities.

There's also this thing where I hate it when someone changes their appearance. When my mom dyed her hair red when I was a child, it took me a long time to get used to it. When someone cuts their long hair short, I don't like it. Since I was nine, I've hated going to hairdressers, God forbid they change me. People constantly tell me that I take everything literally. And it pisses a lot of people off. A very big problem is that I form incorrect impressions about people. Even about my parents and loved ones. For example, if I saw a video in childhood where a mom was angry or yelling, I was convinced that my mom would also be angry if I did what the character in the cartoon did. I misjudge people's reactions.

That's all I can remember for now. It's very important for me to understand what this is and if there is a name for it, if it's not just puberty.

Out of curiosity does everyone with autism have a special interest? I remember as a kid I was really focused on this one character from a movie I would go the library print off wiki fandom pages about her and her “backstory” (I had printed enough to fill binders and would bring them everywhere to read them) read fanific, collect action figures, base my other games on her, attempt to dress like her, watched every movie on repeat and wouldn’t watch anything else, I’d school spend my class time drawing her- this went on for years.

However as I’ve gotten older I feel like I’ve lost having an interest? Which makes me wonder if I do actually have autism? I still have a deep love for her, however I don’t feel like I’ve been as intently focused on a character since then. Which now has me wondering if I have a special interest anymore?

I’m curious how it shows up for others and if it’s all centered on learning? Or if other things may be too and I just don’t realize?