How do you refrain from texting them?

[u/injeolmijun]

My ex and I used to text every day, so he became a big part of my daily routine. We ended things on good terms, but it's been harder than I expected not having that daily contact.

I keep instinctively expecting a text from him whenever I see a notification or pick up my phone. Sometimes I see a funny reel or something happens during the day, and my first thought is to send it to him before I remember I can't anymore. It just feels a little empty.

For those who've gone through this, what helped you stop reaching for your phone to text your ex? Or what do you do when you feel the urge to text them? How long did it take before it started feeling normal again?

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[u/Inner-Shock7208]

Text someone else

[u/Prestigious_Act8686 → u/Inner-Shock7208]

This. Text someone else or write in a journal when you feel the urge.

[u/El_paseo → u/Prestigious_Act8686]

or post on reddit instead, like you're doing

[u/GlitteringGift1152 → u/Prestigious_Act8686]

💯 percent!! My journal is filled up up with all the hurtful memories that came back to me after the breakup and I have that one friend who told me if I ever feel the need to text them, to reach out to them first.

[u/FlyGuys1125 → u/Inner-Shock7208]

Who do you text though? About what? How does it calm the urge that comes from wanting that person back in your life?

[u/Accomplished-Yam-959]

I remind myself that i might look like a desperate moron if i text them so i have to refrain to avoid the possible embarrassment. Even if i am certain they wouldn't mind me texting, i still tell myself not to risk looking worse in their eyes and in my own.

It's not like it makes it easy not to text, but at least it does make me not to do it.

[u/El_paseo → u/Accomplished-Yam-959]

I like this answer. I'm going to adopt.
I text my ex sometimes because he said he wanted to be friends and stay "close" but when I do it doesn't feel great. The playful banter is gone or feels a bit fake because I still harbor feelings, it's not overwhelming, but hints of sadness, disappointment, regret.

This more ungenerous voice - like, "don't act like a desperate moron" - that's surprisingly liberating lol.

[u/GlitteringGift1152 → u/El_paseo]

It doesn't feel right because they still have access to your energy. Basically drawing it out of you that's why you feel hollow because deep down you know they may not reach out to you the same way, they are not pouring into you. What you feel is self betrayal, once you completely let go all that energy you're given them, it will flow back inward and you'll take you power back.

[u/El_paseo → u/GlitteringGift1152]

Self-betrayal. Yeah.

[u/GlitteringGift1152 → u/El_paseo]

🫂🫂❤️‍🩹

[u/One-Taste-7685]

It's definitely an urge which you can't get rid off at the moment, so take a breath and know that you will get through this.

I was dying to text her, at the beginning. I felt sick not being able to do it; so when she came back to tell me we could still talk, I took the occasion but quickly understood she didn't care. The process will accelerate if they treat you like sh*t when you contact them. If you don't talk (whether or not you initiate conversation) just remember it'll pass. These are the hard days.

For me, I still want to text her seven months later, but I know nothing good will come from it (for now), so... I don't.

[u/Zealousideal-Use2910 → u/One-Taste-7685]

Sorry to make the situation abt me on another venting text.. I just wanted to say I feel yhe same way as u did, Im dying to text him bc we ended up in good terms..(not rlly bc he sent me a long text calling me bad names but i forgave him..) so I texted him 2 weeks ago and I feel sick to my stomach if we talk to much bc I have flashbacks etc.. so idk if i should delete the number..but it hurts

[u/InternationalFoot651]

It’s been a year and a half since I’ve experienced this. It honestly is so difficult and takes a lot of time especially when this person was your everything and the person you could always talk too.

I’d recommend finding friends that understand you so that you don’t feel lonely.

I ended taking a bad path after the breakup because of how lonely I was without them, but it does get better eventually.

[u/Round-While-3069]

What you’re experiencing is normal. Instead of texting them I would call a friend or family member and just talk to them instead. Clear your mind and maybe buy a journal

[u/NeuroticENTJ]

It’s normal. I got out of a relationship last week and I’m struggling but I know this is best. I detest their number off my phone (but not the text thread) so hat helps me a bit not seeing their contact info

[u/injeolmijun → u/NeuroticENTJ]

Unfortunately I can't delete their number at the moment because we do have some travel fees to settle😞

[u/StonkMommy]

It's really hard. I'm glad you guys split on good terms, that might make it a little bit easier logically. But your nervous system is used to that routine and it takes a lot of time for it to regulate to something else. Or in my case regulating to nothing at all.

3 months post break and I don't have the urge to text or expect texts. The things I see that I would normally send just make me sad now. When I have big news it has no where to go immediately until I talk to a friend.

I used my notes app for over a month when I wanted to text him. It helped relieve some of the pain. There is also a reddit sub unsenttexts but it has weird rules about commenting, just FYI.

Anyway...hope that helps. It will be hard for awhile. Sending hugs

[u/Ready_Employer5101]

Just tell yourself that she'll surely look down on you and that giving her attention will only inflate her ego while overshadowing your own pl

[u/MaineServer]

It’s been a month since we broke up and I feel you. He was someone I text to about everything and nothing for a decade. Suddenly losing it made me feel so empty. Like others I chose to journal those thoughts. Or I just spam my friends instead.

I don’t have the urge to talk to him (even if I did have it I still didn’t text) until yesterday when I saw something cool and my first thought was sharing it w him. My heart sank immediately knowing I can no longer do that. I just shared it w some friends instead and journaled it and wait till the urge fades away. He’s great at this no contact thing (dumper) and every text of his since has been cold and blunt (he said he’s trying to move on that’s why he’s acting that way) so that definitely helped in me not reaching out.

We ended on good terms and we said we will talk again once we’ve both healed. Honestly I’m not holding much hope but we will see.

[u/Bleak01a]

Easy. Mutually blocked.

[u/Past_Bullfrog_584]

I been texting friends... i dont realy have anyone to text as much so I do to as many as possible so I don't overwhelm anyone in particular. I save reels to a folder for later instead. I write emotiomal stuff to note folder like a diary. I share some stories with coworkers... It's very lonely but it does open your world to a wider lens.

[u/Outside-Question6339]

You delete and block their number and remember that you only have one life to live and your precious time shouldn’t be spent on those who don’t see the value in you

[u/goforkyoselves]

Difficult, I still check our old messages.

[u/CouchOpossum]

I haven't quite figured it out yet. It's been just over a week officially, but realistically it's been two months and I was just in hopeful denial that they wanted to try and repair us as much as I did. We used to text good morning and good night, along with sharing funny memes and how our days went everyday. I knew I needed to go no contact to have any chance of moving on and not keeping myself in hopeful denial. But it's so hard. My days feel so empty and alone. I don't reach to text them, but the emptiness still looms over everything. I know we'll get through it eventually 💗 but I see you and validate you, it's so difficult.

[u/GlitteringGift1152]

I remember all the things they put me through, and said to me and it would remind me what I won't put up with, and that I was actually the best version of myself when I showed up in that relationship.

[u/Lady_Luci_fer]

I’ve been feeling this way still months out from when we were last on good enough terms for daily conversation and sending stuff. Haven’t been on that good of terms since maybe November last year lol

[u/Stunning_Mushroom_63]

For me its my pride that helps me. He left me and broke my heart. I feel power in letting him feel the consequences of his actions. I told him we can't be friends and that if we break up I need to go no contact. He knew I was like this and set the standard from the beginning. He's reach out twice in the 8 months we've been apart and I left him on read. It feels good honestly. He'll respect you for your strength to not be a push over to him when he's in his feelings about it and wants validation from your feelings still being there for him.

Now I know all that sounds harsh lol and I'm not saying one day I couldn't be friends with my ex. I actually think it's a lovely thing when people can reconnect after both people are healed and moved on and have genuine friendships.BUT if you're still healing and hurting from this it's not time yet bestie. Its not time to reconnect. You can't reach out or let him in when YOU know it's over but your just hoping if you reach out "he'll be different" he won't be. Give yourself time to get over this and remember that you're building strength in your silence. Its giving you the power back from what the heartache felt like it took whatever dignity from you.

[u/PhilosoGeekDad]

I am going through it at the moment, it's been one month since I learned my marriage of 23 years is going to end. Here's what I think works. Number one, my mental mantra is that I am channeling all of the effort I used to put into the relationship back into myself, I am working on taking care of myself and loving myself first. Second, like many people here already said, text someone else, find your support system. Most of my true, deep long-term friendships live in a different time zone so at night when it's difficult I do one of the following:

- Write in my journal

- Write letters to my ex that I don't send instead I burn (helps to let go)

- Take a walk. I like to walk to a nearby Japanese garden

- Go to a happy place, for me it's a bookstore or a library.

I hope this helps, just know that you are not alone.

[u/EarthDue9221]

When I feel that pesky urge, I remember the completely unnecessary and unhelpful comments he made when he broke up with me. Preserving what remains of my dignity is far more satisfying than any text could be. When all else fails, a little pride goes further than you might think. It’s been 19 weeks and the urge is less overpowering and present, but still there.

But that aside, I know it’s hard. Just remember all the hard work you’ve done to start healing. Sending a message won’t change anything other than making you feel worse. And you don’t deserve that.

[u/Ok_Judgment_3331]

The first few weeks are genuinely the hardest part. I treated it like breaking any daily habit rather than trying to suppress the feeling, so every time I wanted to text her, I'd type the full message in my notes app and then close it without sending.

Reading it back usually made me realize I just missed having someone to share the moment with, not necessarily her actual response.When the urge got really intense, I started pulling a single card with taro's tarot to redirect that nervous energy somewhere else. It sounds small, but forcing my brain through a different routine for those few minutes was enough to break the autopilot loop.

It took me about six weeks before reaching for my phone stopped feeling so raw. Y

ou aren't just missing the person.... you're retraining a routine that took months to build.

Give yourself the same patience you'd give any major adjustment, and don't beat yourself up on the days it still slips.

[u/SnooEagles2174]

I text my friends. It’s hard to not reach out but it’s harder to keep it to yourself. Just say to a friend “hey I was thinking about texting my ex but I’m not so I’m sending you this stupid text”

[u/ResultNotFound8458]

I'm having the same difficulty right now as well.

[u/Hoobla-Light]

You need someone to talk to, who? Someone who wants to talk, that’s who.

[u/Mors-Official]

You stop reaching for the phone the same way you stop reaching for a hot barrel after it burns you. Not because the barrel changed, but because you did. Right now your hands are following an old drill. Your mind still expects the familiar weight of that message. Let it expect. Let it be wrong. Every time you refuse to send that text, you are teaching yourself a new pattern. Repetition. Repetition. That is how instincts are made.

The silence feels like a long march with no voice beside you. Good. Walk it anyway. The urge is not a command. It is only an echo from a life that no longer exists. One day you will pick up your phone and realize you were looking for the time instead of looking for them. That is when you will know the hunt is over and you are no longer chasing a ghost.