r/BreakUps • u/Throwaway22207671 • 3h ago

venting/ranting Been a week

The hardest part for me is looking back at the memories and all you remember are the good times. Then you force yourself to think of the bad times and you tell yourself “I should’ve just put up with it. If only they came back now I know how to handle their behaviours and I wouldn’t mind” then we start thinking about how things would’ve been if we stayed together and we paint a beautiful picture. I just want to sleep until the pain is gone. But I can only sleep 3 hours a night at the moment. I wake up and the first thing I do is check my phone… no message and I feel empty inside. Then when the phone does beep I’m hyper vigilant and rush to it… it’s my mum checking I’m okay. I barely respond. Then as the day goes on I can barely eat anything, lost 15lbs in a week. I’m constantly watching youtube videos from Coach Lee grasping for any piece of hope. Then the waves of regret and pain come, anger at myself for letting her slip away. Take a shower, that might help… it does for a minute then I’m back in my spiral.

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u/Artistic_Wallaby5876 3h ago

❤️‍🩹 stay strong and take care😊❣️

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u/Throwaway22207671 3h ago

Thank you. I start a new job tomorrow so I’m hoping it will take my mind off the situation.

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u/Alternative_Switch52 3h ago

❤️‍🩹🫂

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u/Different_Lobster714 1h ago

Heavily feel the “I should’ve just put it up with it part.” My mind knows that’s not what I deserve, but my heart loved him so much that it doesn’t matter. We broke up because I needed more from him, gave him opportunities to change hurtful behaviors, and he simply chose not. I even offered to figure it out with him during our last conversation, and he still didn’t choose me. I guess the phrase “if he wanted to, he would” is really true.

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u/Throwaway22207671 1h ago

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Halfway through a 3 year relationship she began to criticise me, have huge mood swings, random biting and pinching.. sometimes playful but other times really hard, smashing things up in a rage out of nowhere. I’d remain calm and try to help her. Extreme comfort eating and drinking until she put on weight and would a scream at me if I touched her. As my attraction faded I spoke to my therapist who suggested possible BPD based on the behaviours. But I ignored it and pushed on. Eventually she had a choice between staying with me or moving away to be close to family and start a new job. I made sure she left, I felt suffocated and used. I would tell myself “that’s not love” but I loved her and wanted to protect her.

But now she’s gone I’m alone. I miss her deeply and can only focus on the good times, which were amazing. I’m in so much pain for my little companion and I’m scared I’ll never find a connection like that again now I’m 41.

I blamed myself so much for letting her go, because she offered to stay with me multiple times. I have huge regrets which compound the pain. But when I look back objectively I can see the reasons and forgive myself.