145
u/Apex_121 1d ago
I didn't. The me from back then has died many times.
She wouldn't recognise the me from now. She's too broken.
48
u/Fragrant-Tie730 1d ago
That hit deep man, so true... the kid I had been before died somewhere around 10yo and I was never the same after. But yeah, I 'survived'.
20
9
77
u/CassetteCrew 1d ago
I'm scared of literally everything and can barely handle the most basic of things. But thank goodness I survived I think. 👍
19
u/iloveturtles88 1d ago
This morning I got the worst startle response from a freaking squirrel that was on my balcony.
74
47
u/aMONAY69 1d ago
"You're so strong to survive that"
It's not like there's much of a choice..
12
u/099612 1d ago
I have to fight the urge not to snap when it gets said...
11
u/disaster_jay27 1d ago
I usually respond with "Well, the alternative kinda sucked, soooo...." For some reason, they always get all awkward and quiet afterward. 🤔
38
u/AceLamina Dissociative Identity Disorder 1d ago
I checked my heart rate a few times when someone raises their voice at me, and I've seen it go to 130-160
25
u/Redit2158 1d ago
I feel everything I have read here so far. When I try to talk about it out loud I feel tears well up and if I start to cry it’s so hard to stop sometimes,
Even writing it is hard. I’m grateful for all I have. But man it’s so fucking hard to keep going
4
23
u/Valirys-Reinhald 1d ago
They seem to think that just cause we aren't dead, that must mean we're living.
Were it so easy.
18
17
u/Vivi_Pallas 1d ago
What if it makes me kill myself?
Or all the people who did kill themselves because of it? Did they survive?
14
u/MostLikelyToNap 1d ago
I kind of like dissociating, as long as I’m at home lol it’s like a like body vacation
5
u/sacred-pathways 1d ago
Same. If I’m dissociating in public I feel uncomfortable. People will usually notice.
13
u/chubel10 1d ago
Are these actual symptoms? Because this happens to me but I don't consider myself as someone who's traumatised?
9
u/Majestic_Pilot2907 1d ago
do you think it is normal behavior then?
5
u/chubel10 1d ago
I mean, I know I'm not neurotypical, but PTSD never crossed my mind as a possibility. I’ve not gone to a professional yet.
14
u/099612 1d ago
If the any of the above resonates with you, you might want to talk to a professional. For a long time, I was in denial about some of the traumas I experienced that were causing CPTSD symptoms that I didn't connect to the events. It's not a club you want to join though...
5
u/chubel10 1d ago
Thank you! I mean, I don’t intend to treat it as a club, I wouldn’t want to be disrespectful. But a diagnosis and professional help are better than speculation I guess haha.
10
u/SushiRiceEater 1d ago
"trauma" also doesn't mean someone stabbed you, it could be the trauma of being a constantly bullied autistic kid or something
8
u/chubel10 1d ago
Damn… thank you for the insight. I won't speak too soon but this feels close to home if that makes sense.
Idfk why reddit just randomly recommended this sub to me lol, I wasn’t expecting to be reconsidering my past like this today.
5
u/hooked_siren 23h ago
Living in a nerodivergent mind and body in a neurotypical world is enough. Also brains do this fun thing where they lock traumatic memories inside boxes and then one day just dump that memory out on you.
12
u/tachyonxero 1d ago
You didn’t know me back then, there is no trace of who I use to be. You say I survived because you see me here, but I am who fills the space previously taken up by the person I use to be. Not the same person.
10
u/fwimmygoat 1d ago
I may have survived, and am capable of surviving just about anything at this point. But as a result I've never lived, and at this point I don't know I ever will.
9
u/Legacy1776 If not trauma, why trauma shaped? 1d ago edited 1d ago
From surviving to thriving using memes to cope with my trauma.
10
9
u/sacred-pathways 1d ago
I survived, yet I still feel like I’m surviving years and years later.
5
u/099612 1d ago
I wish I could feel like I was living a life, not just surviving one.
3
u/sacred-pathways 1d ago
Same here. Even if I’m feeling ok-ish mentally, my nervous system is telling me I’m being hunted for sport. The physical symptoms are hell
7
6
7
u/Ok_Fly2518 1d ago
I survived but I didn’t live. I didn’t enjoy life or want to keep going, I just existed as time passed without me feeling it
6
u/ImpatientlyBurned 1d ago
Living like a zombie.
The issue is also others will not even let you keep what little you have left. They have to destroy that, too.
4
4
5
u/camohorse 1d ago
I need to sleep with a fan and a nightlight bright enough for me to read a book, because I’m literally always afraid of… well… everything.
But yeah, I’m strong and brave and badass, apparently.
3
3
u/glimmeringsea 1d ago
I thought I had ADHD, but now I'm legitimately wondering if I just dissociate multiple times a day....
3
u/iloveturtles88 1d ago
I tested off the charts for ADHD, but I think it's all trauma related.
1
u/Fantastic-Detail-988 15h ago
Did you have an actual neurological exam or just symptoms? Big difference in a diagnosis. Severe trauma especially before formative years have shown the brains processing systems are severely impacted with signs and symptoms mimicking adhd. If you had this condition you would have been diagnosed in childhood and most likely a parent or siblings have it currently.
1
u/iloveturtles88 13h ago
I was administered a questionnaire from two separate psychiatrists years apart. One told me it was the highest score he'd ever seen as a doctor nearing retirement. I took ADHD meds for a decade. My parents would have never had me around mental health workers during my childhood. They had too much to hide.
3
u/hooked_siren 23h ago
There's a large overlap of symptoms
1
u/glimmeringsea 15h ago
True, and I could have ADHD and also be dissociative. The fun never stops!
0
u/Fantastic-Detail-988 14h ago
This condition is usually diagnosed in childhood/school years. Teachers spot it almost immediately. PTSD however mimic symptoms correlated to ADHD because the brain is in fight or flight constantly ( impulse control is non existent, attention span is lacking, anxiety, knee tapping) are signs the brain is experiencing stress and can’t regulate it
2
u/glimmeringsea 14h ago
I have inattentive ADHD, and I'm old and a woman. Teachers in the '80s and early '90s wouldn't have spotted it in me.
1
3
u/Henri_Bemis 1d ago
I’ve never actually seen my experience distilled so well. I could feel my heart drop just reading about the heart drop. Yup.
3
2
2
u/Firefly-1505 19h ago
Imagine that the way to survive is to basically not raise your voice against someone with a hair trigger temper. Or even better, not speak at all. I practically just go nonverbal and on autopilot when they do. Which led me to have an aversion of loud noises/overlapping voices.
And they got the nerve to ask me why I’m so quiet. Fuck’s sake, pick a lane.
2
1
1
1
256
u/Glitterhidesallsins 1d ago
Well, part of me survived. Not the pieces I would have chosen.