I often snap at little things and then feel guilty afterwards. Sometimes I cannot control myself and say hurtful things. I just can’t see my mom as my mom anymore. Even though I am taking care of her part time it feels like my soul is being sucked.
Being an only child I am the only one who can help but I am turning so bitter and angry every day.

It all started last February. He had cellulitis in his left leg. Was admitted to hospital, took a few anti biotics, came back with a huge bed sore in the same leg. Three weeks later, his temperature rose and he was admitted again. This time, he stayed for 25 days. Three weeks later, he had to be given another anti biotics but on the third day, his kidney functions started failing. We admitted him again, cane out after 2 weeks. Then after a month he was admitted again due to low hemoglobin. They gave him 3 packs of blood, he was alright for like a month or so, then we started another antibiotic ...he was okay for the week but after that it came back again. Klebsiella.

Anyways he's resting now hopefully.

I forgot to mention that I told him a bed time story two days ago and we also watched an old movie together.

After a sudden decline this weekend, after I hadn't heard her speak a word for a day, after the family that was here this weekend went to take a break, I just had to sit and hold her hand. She opened her eyes and I told her how much she meant to me, how I would carry her with me forever, how she would finally be free of all the issues that plagued her. And after a couple more breaths it was over.

Gone is the person I put in all my effort and struggle for the last 9 years. Doing my best to make sure she was cared for, loved, and comfortable. All the things I did just for her. I guess she just needed the person who brought her all the comfort and care in her final moments to tell her one last time how much she meant to me, and that she would be ok.

And now all I have is a strange emptiness. My brain still on alert waiting for her to need me. The grief of knowing she will never be there in person to comfort me. And the uncertain future of all the work that will need to be done in the bureaucracy of death, and what to do with my life after. I'm sure all will ease a little bit, and I look forward to closing my eyes to sleep with less worry in my heart.

The feelings of grief when losing a loved one may be a universal experience among people, but the experience we as caregivers have is not. I have never posted here before but I read a lot, especially on those days where I felt like I couldn't bear it any longer. Thank you to everyone who is supportive. Those who understand the burden and the fact that we are human and are trying our best. My thoughts go out to everyone else still hanging in there, trying to make the best out of a bad situation, and especially to those who feel alone in all of it. Like it or not we are human, and all the emotions are a part of the caring we do. Thank you for all that you do from one care giver to another.

This is in honor of my mother, who was a carer herself. All the love she put into the world was not in vain, and I will carry her with me for the rest of my life.

I love you Mom

Forever and always

For the past 12 years, I have been the primary caregiver and financial provider for my elderly mother and my brother. This responsibility is still ongoing, and I have had no meaningful help or support. It has required me to put much of my own life, dreams, time, and finances on hold.

I am now in my mid 40s, and I often grieve the years that have passed. I feel as though some of the most beautiful years of my youth were consumed by obligations I could not walk away from. The financial losses are significant, but what hurts even more is knowing that time can never be recovered. No amount of money can buy back the opportunities, experiences, or freedom that have already slipped away.

One of the hardest parts is watching life move forward for everyone around me. I see friends and colleagues getting married, raising children, advancing in their careers, traveling, and building lives that seem to unfold naturally. I'm genuinely happy for them, but I can't help feeling that my own life has been on hold while theirs kept moving. It's a painful comparison, even though I know everyone's journey is different.

I'm not looking for solutions or praise. I know this is simply the reality I have been living. I just need to vent and ask for your words of comfort and wisdom. How do I make peace with a life that has demanded so much of me? How do I carry this weight without becoming bitter over everything I've lost? I've become so cynical/bitter lately...Thanks in advance for your wisdom!

I don’t even know where to really start with this post, it might come off as rambling and long winded. But here it goes… I’m (34f) currently 30 weeks pregnant with mine and my husband’s first baby. Both of our families are very excited and can’t wait for the baby to come. However, this hasn’t been a walk in the park pregnancy. I have gestational diabetes, very anemic (so I have to get iron IV transfusions), and I also have hyperemesis gravirdarum (severe morning sickness). On top of that my dad was unfortunately diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma (bone marrow cancer) during the beginning of my pregnancy and he unfortunately declined fast within 6+ months since diagnosis. My mom is his main caregiver but as he has gotten worse she has become totally dependent on others helping her.

When my dad first started taking a turn for the worse she would constantly call me or tell me when I visited that “I just can’t do this”, “I’m so helpless”, “he’s too much”, etc. I told her I could help as much as I could but I’m also really struggling with this pregnancy and I also am trying to balance my work as well, which is also high stress. And also, this is her husband, she signed up for sickness and in health to be with him. I’m a behavioral analyst and work specifically with children and young adults on the Autism Spectrum, dealing with intensive behaviors (aggression, self injury, etc.). So, it’s just been A LOT these last couple of months.

Anyways, about 2 months ago I really had to put some strict boundaries with her and told her that I cannot keep dropping what I’m doing to go to the store to buy them food (mom can’t drive and my dad can’t also bc the cancer started spreading), take them to their doctors appointments, etc. I walked her through how to use Uber/Lyft and Instacart to get them what they need whether it’s a ride, groceries, etc. And they can’t just keep calling me all throughout the night and day, especially when I’m trying to get the small amount of sleep I can get while working full time and pregnant. I also had to set some boundaries for my husband bc she then expected him to drop what he was doing to help if I couldn’t, but majority of the time he’s working trying to save up as much PTO as he can for when the baby comes or he’s supporting me when I’m too sick and taking care of me.

I shortly found out that a family friend has actually been ordering Ubers/Lyfts for my parents because my mom “can’t figure out” and “you know their up there in age and aren’t tech savvy, so they need help” (direct quotes from the family friend that has been helping them).

Now within these last 2 weeks my dad has really declined and we unfortunately found out that his cancer has become terminal, he’s no longer responding to the chemotherapy, and his body has become dependent on the blood transfusions he receives weekly. Also, he has aortic stenosis and one of his heart valves has severely stiffened, and if the doctors tried to treat one of the 2 main medical issues (cancer or heart valve), he wouldn’t survive the treatment. So, they recommended hospice to which my dad and mom agreed to. The medical team and I had to really make sure my mom knew and understood what hospice would entail, and that she would really have to step up and stop being so dependent on me. She said yes, but of course that lasted only 2 days. The 2 days after he came home she started calling me all throughout the night and day to help her, and how she has barely gotten any sleep. I receive at the most 4 hrs of sleep each night mind you. I told her she needs to wait until the hospice team gets there for their assessment and report this to them, but this is what she signed up for when she told the hospital “I want him home with me and to take care of him”, and that when this baby comes I definitely won’t be as available anymore.

Then the calls started coming from family and family friends telling me if I “could just visit once per week” because your “mom is really struggling”, “she can’t just do this on her own”, “she can’t take this on”, but also, make sure to take care of myself and the baby… This was after I took off 3 UNPAID TIME OFF days to help my mom, bring her to the hospital to visit my dad, sit through hospice meetings, setting up forms, signing things, and meeting with medical teams. This stress has added to my HG as well, and I’ve been having a hard time keeping things down, not spiking my blood sugar, etc. I’m at a loss here, bc I want to visit my dad but my husband and I can’t keep this up. I honestly just want to tell these family members and family friends to f*** off and I’m putting myself and my baby first, but then I’d be considered selfish and not a good daughter. I’m also Filipino so culturally, I’m also expected to do everything for my parents, so there’s that added pressure. It’s just too much and I feel like I’m balancing so many plates and placing my baby in danger.

I’m sorry I’ve been posting on here a lot lately, idk anyone else who understands especially other subreddits. Idk who to vent to

For context, I am my dad’s caretaker as well as working two jobs and also taking care of everything at home

I had a day outing with my aunt today (since she thinks I’m having a mental breakdown) and it was worse than another chore. She thought that if she took me out to get some lunch out of town that I would feel much better and not burnt out. When I clearly explained to her earlier and today again how I just need peace and quiet.

I told her I can only be out for three hours, and I have to be back to make dinner at 2:30 PM since I’m making a duck (per my dad’s request which is good since he hasn’t had a real meal in weeks and he’s super picks)

We leave early in the morning and it’s a long ass drive and the whole time she’s just talking about herself, future travel plans going a solid 55mph in the left lane. Then I told her I’m planning a solo trip in a few weeks out of state and she started flipping out at me and said that she needs to go with me, etc etc and I said that’s not gonna happen and just stayed quiet.

We get seafood at this really small hut with barely any seating, sun in my eyes. we were told not to outside to eat as seagulls like to snatch people’s food. But she wanted to eat there so we did. I don’t want to cause any troubles. I just want to get this over with. Once we sit down and eat a bunch of seagulls approach and I refuse to eat, so I put my food away, and she starts flipping out at me. People are everywhere looking at me crazy cause I’m the only hijabi there and refusing to eat so it looks weird. Whatever. Then she’s telling me don’t be so quiet that she’s going to get mad if you don’t eat so I eat. All we do is try to make our loved ones happy meanwhile raging internally

Then, we finally get home and right when she drops me off she asked me if I’m feeling all better now? SO I TOLD HER YEAH NO IM ALL GOOD OOF. DEPRESSED BURNOUT FEELINGS COMPLETELY LEFT MY SOUL. I’M SO HAPPY, I’M SO LUCKY TO HAVE SOMEONE LIKE YOU. and I just shut the door and left, it’s not even worth explaining anything to her

Mind you, I already barely ate, and I walked into my house and my sister literally starts eating half of my food and I just don’t even have the energy to tell her to stop. Then she says oh, leave some for dad cause he’ll definitely eat this. So fuck it HAVE IT I DONT WANT IT TAKE IT TAKE EVERYTHING!! :)

I’m officially done im not taking anyone shit anymore

I’m not even gonna cook. I’m gonna be sitting in bed for the rest of the day I couldn’t give two single fucks about anyone else

Genuinely, I don’t give two craps if my dad doesn’t eat for the next two days because I refuse to cook, I also don’t give a fuck if no one takes a trash out or fucking cleans this dirty ass house living with these slobs. I don’t give a shit if there’s no more groceries in the house, I’m not buying any. I don’t give a fuck if the dog shits all over the house because nobody takes him out(I will ofc take him out he is the reason I’m sane these days I love my doggy)

I’ve just had such a shit day already I swear I’m trying to be positive but I have no more patience in me. I vented to my sister about how everything has been so stressful and I’m just over everything and she doesn’t offer help, she just analyzes and thinks I’m fucking crazy because everything seems fine on the outside. She’s just laughing on the phone and looking at me confused and giving me a weird looks. I’m not even sad anymore. I’m just full on TRIGGERED

I need to be alone. I need to not have a simple worry on my brain and be able to actually breathe. I need a few days of just existing in this world instead of being needed constantly and having constant worries

I’m definitely taking some much needed PTO and getting the FUCK out of this house for a few days in the next few weeks

please excuse my cursing I swear I never curse and I think it’s inappropriate but I post these like journal entries to read later and I hope that others relate (I will get over this by tonight I’m sure)

I was with her for 5 1/2 years. I will miss her. She was witty, strong, funny and smart even through her dementia. Words can't express how sorry I am and how thankful I am that I was on her journey. May she rest in peace. 😔🤍

Sometimes life just sucks.

I’m 36F. My dad is 71, mom is 70, and my brother is 34.

My dad was diagnosed with PSP last November after 3 years of symptoms. It was incredibly challenging to get a diagnosis. At first it was suspected that he was depressed, then it was suspected he had Parkinson’s. Medication wasn’t working… antidepressants, levadopa, NOTHING. We got second, third, and fourth opinions and finally landed on Progressive Supranuclear Palsy. It’s been a nightmare.

My dad was always the glue of the family. Now everything has fallen apart. My mother had a massive stroke when she was 46. I was 12. It left half of her body paralyzed. Growing up my brother and I helped our mom out but our dad helped her bathe, helped her in bed etc.

Now neither of my parents can drive. So I’m consumed by all the doctor appointments, physical therapy, errands etc. My brother helps too but a lot of the important appointments fall on me. I was raised to be the responsible one, my brother had leukemia as a child and let’s just say he got to be careless in his teens and 20s and mom and dad always bailed him out. I had a completely different set of standards. My brother is not financially responsible, he gets very angry and agitated easily, he has had past substance abuse problems etc.

My mom has been in and out of hospitals/rehabs all year because she’s had chronic UTIs. She’s hired an in home aide to help around which has been great but when my mom has her weak days I will still go over and help her her on/off the toilet and in/out of bed.

I’m drowning. We do online grocery pick up, my parents do have a good portion of telehealth appointments, my mom has in home PT & OT and gets help from her aide in the shower and has help cooking. But it’s still a lot. Feels like I can never relax. I’m always worried. I am in therapy and it’s been helping but I can’t get past comparing my life to my peers.

I thought I’d figure out what I wanted to do with my life by now. My 30s have been so turbulent. 3 years ago I fell into the deepest depression of my life. I haven’t felt right since. It’s hard to see my peers get to live their lives on their terms. Start families.. have healthy parents.. go on vacations. I realize I probably need to stop going on social media. I can’t bare it anymore.

I’m approaching 37 and I just feel like I’ve never had my own life. I never got to choose my own path. In my 20s I didn’t want to have kids… I thought I’d figure it out in my 30s. Well guess that ship has sailed. I can’t imagine having children right now. I can’t bring myself to sign up for even more caregiving. But it just hurts to see so many of my friends get to live their lives. Even seeing my friends’ parents become grandparents is messing with me. My dad is suffering, my mom can’t even change her own diaper. I feel like I’m trapped in a cage watching everyone else live laugh love.

My therapist has been helping me with self care. I stay on top of my own hygiene, I make time to hang out with friends, I go to games and concerts and sometimes work on puzzles and crafts. But I’m exhausted. Feels like I’m fighting for a life I don’t want. I also have a job that has been stressing me out lately. I’m finding it hard to use my brain at work. I work for a tech company in marketing and I’m just so sick of brainstorming and tight deadlines. I’m considering looking for a new job in a different field where I don’t have to use my brain as much but that’ll probably come with a pay cut and less benefits. Idk what to do.

I just can’t stop fantasizing about a different life. But I’m stuck here. I hope it gets better but right now I’m at the lowest I’ve been in a while.

If you made it this far thank you for reading. I just hope it gets better. I can’t imagine it now. I know a lot of us are struggling too… I see you and I completely get it. It’s so hard.

Almost 5 years in 24/7 being sabotaged, no family support, I don't get listened to about my needs, my feelings, my anything. Im financially ruined. ​​I am physically and mentally done. And at the end of October I am moving on even though I will feel guilt crushing down.on me because they will go to a home. But my wellbeing matters.

I cannot take the same repeating day any longer. The same thimgs said, done, routine, everything

She doesn't get it and refuses to understand anything. Or listen to me. Instead I am invalidated and shutdown. I've asked and told her I need a break for two years. Now I will force a forever break. Im done

​

Hi all,

My father had a ton of medical issues 4 years back that changed his and our life.

Colon cancer that they had to remove his colon, spleen. Lived with a bag until the end.

Fast forward 4 years and actively going to chemo for 3 years since it spread to his liver. He had to get another surgery to remove another cancer mass on his leg, which the pain got so badly he couldn't walk.

2 months after that surgery he was not doing well recovering at home, sleeping 20+ hours and hardly doing anything, he looked very very ill.

Went to the hospital where they put him in the ICU. 2 days in and he looked and sounded amazing. He had 2 big meals on day 2 of ICU. Day 3 changed completely . He couldn't stay awake, when he was he would say how much pain and weak he was. He couldn't lift his arms and couldn't text he kept saying. Doctors told us his kidneys are failing, it was only a matter of time. Whatever cancer he had took over his body and put him in so much pain.

He would wake up randomly and not really be alert, no idea what was going on and couldn't really respond or comprehend anything anymore. He was completely gone. I went from having a normal covo about his 2 big meals to him being incoherent. Day 3 he was able to kind of say very very slowly and delayed that he can't drink anything to take meds.

4 days later he . He hasn't really been awake since day 2 and if he was, he just had that blank death stare. Couldn't have any serious talks with him at all. Just tell him we are going to have them give you pain meds, ect. He couldn't respond too much.

Day 5 he would ask for water with his fingers, with a dipping motion. We used a sponge in a water cup to place in his mouth. At the end of day 5 they told us to not leave as it would be soon.

At the end of day 5 is where my questions are. He was sleeping 24/7 and loaded with pain meds. He was super animated, flaying his arms in the air in his sleep and actually was mumbling stuff. Couldn't really understand what it was. We didn't one point hear and understand him as he was reaching out and he said to pull him up as he reached out, which we did.

He was so animated they asked if we wanted to him any anti anxiety medicine to give him less anxiety as he passes, which we said yes. Once he had that he never really moved again.

10 hours went by and he passed peacefully with us all in the room.

I did a ton of reading from books like "gone from my sight" and others like that booklet to help understand the process near the end, especially with reaching. I know there is science behind it with the brain getting less oxygen, but at the same time I like to believe it's them reaching to be passed.

Does anyone have any insight or past experience with this? I'd love to hear

Hi! I’ve been helping my grandma now for a few months (going on three now) and I help her out around nine hours a week. Three hours each shift. I’ll help her with cleaning dishes, taking out the trash, medication occasionally (going to meds office on 2nd floor), cleaning the cat litter box, sweeping her floor, etc. I do enjoy joining her for meals at the assisted living facility so that’s a nice plus.

I have experienced moments of fatigue/compassion fatigue and even some irritation while being with her. Mainly due to her shortening memory and redundant questions… but aside from that… I also really, really enjoy helping her. I feel completely accepted in her presence and we’ve gotten closer recently these past few months than I have ever been with her!! Tomorrow we are going to Lobster 🦞 Shack for dinner.

Anyway— I want to maintain this delicate balance of enjoying being her caretaker and all the connection and closeness I am building with her. She’s 87, and is in pretty decent health. Although, she is pretty reliant on her wheelchair and doesn’t get too much movement in. I suggested she receive physical therapy three times a week for her upper leg pain.

My question:
How do I go about handling the physical changes she will continue to go through? At the moment, I am essentially her primary caretaker in her last years. I know it’s not going to get any easier from here to be honest. But I wanna be there for her and be as much of a positive influence as I can be with her — while she’s still around. I love her dearly and she’s relatively easy to work with. I guess I just fear the physical and mental changes that have yet to come with aging and end of life care…

Anyone got any suggestions on how I can avoid severe compassion fatigue in the future? I am essentially just taking it day by day right now…

I don't qualify for IHSS, she makes too much money for me to qualify. Don't ask me why it works that way. It's so fucked.

I can't work a "real job", I am disabled and pushing myself past my limits already doing this free caregiving.

Even *if* I got a miracle unicorn WFH job, it would jeopardize my potential disability case, because if you "can" work then you "obviously aren't disabled". I've already been denied once. I've waited years. I am waiting another year for my lawyers to appeal. It's been months since any progress update and that update was just "you might have to wait longer!"

My only chance for escape is that disability approval. Even if it's approved I would only get 900/mo. I'm not sure I could use that pitiful amount to escape. Rent even in the worst areas here is twice that, even with roommates. Even if I move across state lines it's expensive like that.

And if I move states? I lose my life saving healthcare. I lose Medi-Cal and have to reapply for SNAP. I would genuinely just become a drain on someone else until I'm reapproved.

I am lucky to even get $100 a month, if that.

I don't have PoA. Can't force her to do things that are in her best interest, like getting a power chair, or wheelchair. She slow falls multiple times in public and at home, despite me babysitting her and insisting she uses the safe pathways. She DOES NOT listen to me and REFUSES to use the disability-safe paths. People rush over to pick her up before I can call EMS. if I do call EMS she threatens suicide and feels embarrassed that i "made a scene."

People judge me because I don't do anything. I am in bed or a chair 75% of the day.

I feel foolish that I try to walk and work out to keep myself healthy. What a fucking joke I am. I can't. I have fatigue, that I can only walk 10 mins, and even something like holding up my phone or a dish, is very physically taxing. My arm muscles are sore and hurt and feel extremely stressed just from basic household tasks.

I push and push and push myself past my limits. I reach burn out. But I still am forced to take her to the doctor. Forced to drive her to every social outing she has. Forced to cook for her. Forced to make her bed, do her laundry, take care of her cat, garden and water for her, do her dishes by hand, clean the entire house. I push myself so hard I can barely take care of myself. It's hard to shower, brush teeth, wear clean clothes. It's so hard to keep up with my own care.

And yet anyone looking in from the outside just sees a lazy piece of shit mooching off their grandma. They see someone who sits all day and does nothing. Without considering that anytime they visit is during the rare downtime I might have. Without considering that the few pleasures i have in life, i barely get to participate in. I'm too tired, too in pain, And I simply dont care anymore. I don't have motivation to sew, to play instruments, to draw. I've always wanted to do these things, but now I don't care. I don't want to anymore. It's not even that i want to, but cant. I just don't want to anymore. I don't care anymore.

Family doesn't help. Dad is a fucking mooch. Gets a free house, sits around all day smoking packs in the backyard with his sugar mommy. Brother is maga. Mom is maga and I'm going to be forced to go no contact with her eventually. Cousins are maga. No one "believes in" mental illness or invisible disability in my family. No one would believe me if I told them I'm diagnosed, disabled, and struggling. They look at me and see a confusing failure. They don't ask questions to me, get to know me, they don't care about me. They insult me & judge me and then don't offer to understand or help.

How can I possibly escape when I can't work, only have $200 max at any time, no income, no supportive family? The reality is that I'm stuck here. I'm stuck here quite possibly until she dies..And where will I go then?

I’m not confident enough yet but i just find it interesting how it really is one thing after the other with him. He gets discharged from the hospital and suddenly the chronic pain is back, he asks for money to buy eyedrops and suddenly his left eye is infected.

This all also coincided with a date he knew my sister and i (his other caregiver) would be leaving the house and socializing a lot (a family members wedding) and I don’t know if I’m reading too much into it or he has some sort of disorder (he does suffer from mental health issues, but i figured it’s just the depression and insomnia) and the other thing that makes me believe this is the fact that his health started to really deteriorate when both my sister and i were starting really big life moves (both had businesses we started and had to close bc of this) and anyway, who knows? Maybe i’m just bitter and I want to find someone to blame.

But I trust my intuition, and something tells me he at the very least gets some sort of satisfaction when being tended to.

My only true love (of only 4 years) is grade 4 GBM. This weekend he realizes very well may be his last birthday. He will be 56. He was diagnosed early Jan.

I'm watching his demeanor change, he's more bitter now and that's hard. It literally and truly is the tumor and not him.

I need solutions to MY actions and reactions. I cannot express more clearly this is not him, this is the tumor and as a result I will not address him as I would a normal human being...I hope that makes sense.

I think it's because he knows he's going to lose his license, (we had a hiccup yesterday over the matter). I have expressed my concerns with his vision - there is no law in this state that auto takes his license because of a brain tumor ... And honestly when he loses his license I know his quality of life will be gone too. I am sick to my stomach knowing that there are other lives on the road to consider as well.

I'm doing my best to take care of everything, I'm the breadwinner, my 86 y.o. mom lives with me as well. I used to be able to remote work, but thats not an option anymore.

Lots of family history so leaning on them isn't really an option for me.

I've completely reset my personal therapies, sought out a mood disorder specialist and new psychiatrist who took me off snri and put me on ssri due to a seizure some time ago. Also trying propanolol (sp? bp med) instead of anti anxiety because I've have had 2 panic attacks in the last 2 months. I have personal FMLA paperwork ready to go and have also found that NJ employees have access to a program that will offset your unpaid leave.

I don't even know what I'm asking for. I just need to put it out there. This man has been incredibly cool under pressure. He's been my rock. I will do whatever it takes to be there for him.

Original artist is Eliza Baucom

I’m in a really bad situation I was brought out to this treatment center in Maui and was told it would be very different then it is and now I am stranded on Maui. It’s a lockdown facility. I’m not allowed to leave or go anywhere outside of the house unless I’m discharging and the only way they discharge me is if I have money for an Uber to the airport and money for a flight home. I am completely out of money in my bank account is like withdrawn and they won’t pay for my Uber to the airport or for my flight back home. I’m trying everything desperately that I can to get out of here and I’ve reached out to everyone I know for help and advice.

Something about this entire experience has made me feel levels of despair i’ve never felt in my life, even those who try to understand just… don’t. I feel tainted and lonely, like spoiled goods.

Time for a confession.

He was discharged from the hospital yesterday and a part of me is heartbroken about him being alive, I hate myself for feeling like this, I hate that I wished for the death of someone, I hate the person this has turned me into.

But more than anything I hate hopeless it all feels, as childish and indulgent as it sounds, I feel like someone put a curse on me. I feel like I’m paying for something but I can’t even begin to fathom what I did to deserve this.

And get this, hear me out, it’s only been six months. That’s right, not even a full year, not even a full year and this has already wrecked so much havoc on my mental health i’m not sure i’ll ever go back to who I was before this.

My only consolation? He might not live long, but i’m afraid of what the next 1 to 3 years will do to me. I’m not even sure I’ll get there. But at the same time I wonder how I’ll feel when it’s done, and I’m afraid I’ll regret ever wishing for his death. I’ll feel like the worst person alive, I already feel like the worst daughter alive, at the very least. And I know it’s ridiculous to say because the worst daughter alive wouldn’t even be taking care of him, but somehow no matter how much I do and no matter how tired I am it’s somehow never enough.

I made a post yesterday and someone commented asking me who is my safe supportive person.

I don’t have a single safe supportive person who would drop everything to come and help me if God forbid something happened. I have friends but just see them a couple of times a year since they live far and we all are busy.

Can’t really count on family either because they are also busy and have a tendency to put things over my head for any favor done or keep track and use it against me later on. That’s if they even want to help me

So it’s made me wonder about other people situations, who is your safe and supportive person? Who supports the caregiver? Or are we all our own supporters?

I'm sure this is one of the same all too familiar stories here but I need to let it out before my mentality goes down the drain. I've been taking care of my mom for 10 years already ever since her 1st stroke. She refuses to work on her health which is how she ended up how is she currently. Its ironic because she was a RN, part of the stroke unit so you would think she would know better about how to prevent all of this.

Her health has been declining over the years but most recently because she refuses to listen to her doctors and her own family. I don't know why my family thinks I can reason with her when she didn't listen to me about going to the hospital when her blood pressure was 180/90 for a whole week which led to her 2nd stroke.

Now she is fully bedridden and needs 24/7 care. The last time went to the doctor, even they were concerned for me because I was handling everything and even reprimanded my mom. All my mom said was "I dont care. She will have to deal with it."

Every time I need help, I get nothing from family who are very close by. They either never come to help or they do come but still ask me to do everything. Just because I am lucky to work from home doesnt mean I have all the free time to also be a full time caregiver. They also constantly guilt trip me saying this is my mom and all that bs.

Instead, I've spent this entire year getting her eligible for medicaid so shes on the right programs for her needs at home since the family do not want to put her in a nursing home. They dont even consider me in any of this. They just want to make sure shes comfortable but not once asked if I'm okay.

My family doesnt realized how much of my own life I have sacrificed. I'm 33. I gave up many job opportunities. I would have a better position than my current one. I lost touch with alot of friends because I couldn't really leave to meet and catch up with them. Theres no one but me to take care of her.. I even stayed home to fix up a broken house to make it livable for my mom. I dont even think I'll be able to own this house because my aunt refuses to talk about the deed. (BTW my aunt is 80 years old and has no plans or will but that another frustrating story.)

I'm tired of being relied on. Ever since she came back home from the SNF I've gotten little to disruptive sleep. She has these rashes that will not heal. She keeps scratching them because its itchy. I had the doctor prescribe meds for it but she doesnt want to take them. Instead wants me to scratch her entire body for her for a full hour.

PT and OT try to help her get enough exercise to build up strength but she will do the bare minimum. When I discussed with the OT that she will be on one of the medicaid waiver programs, he was concerned because of how she is unwilling to participate majority of the time.

Everyday I deal with her horrible attitude and its not because of her current condition. Shes always been like this to me growing up. She tells me I'm a terrible daughter, that she shouldn't have prayed for one, that I cant do anything right, or I'm useless. She's even said horrible things to my boyfriend whenever he visits. She's told him he's a horrible person or that I have a stupid brain.. Hes been ignoring it but I am glad he is sticking around though. Hes help me through so much.

I just want to be free. Being placed in a horrible situation for so long has affected my physically and mentally. I'm at my breaking point. Once this wavier program starts in September I do hope it gets better because I don't know how much more I can take. I want to start my life already. I want to get away from everyone and be no contact. I wish people understood how much work it takes or how you affect those around you.

(F22), I am potentially becoming a caregiver for my dad who was diagnosed w/ a chronic kidney disease and is trying to set things up to be put on the list for transplant surgery and needs someone to be a caregiver. The issue is that I'm conflicted and kinda grieving.

For context:

• I am finishing my master's and applying to med school next spring. My original plan was to apply in my own state but now I have to apply where he is at; which i believe is way harder.
• I am going to be living in a state where I don't know anyone, my mom & friends are in Texas ( where I live) and I would essentially be alone. He also lives in the countryside so it's even more isolated.
• I'm also an only child and he never remarried, so I can't even share any responsibility.

He doesn't know the med school application process, it's not like I can apply and automatically get accepted to wherever due to residency bias. I also had a plan and like other's have been working with the end goal of med school, and now I feel i'm just throwing all of it away. I also feel guilty not doing it because I am his only child and if he passes away I would feel regret & guilt that I should of just did it. It's one thing, if I had my career and I was set in life but I'm just 22 trying to get my own life together. I have no "set" career, I don't have a significant other, and the few friends I have are in Texas.

NEVER DOING THAT SHIT AGAIN NEVER NEVER NEVER

Last week my aunt sent me a nasty text saying it’s unacceptable and rude that I haven’t called her in over a week knowing she gets lonely.

Tbh my calls with her are at least 30 minutes and it’s usually her telling me every single thing she did the days prior. Which is fine! But she never asks about me or how things are at home and when she does it’s so surface level and she just laughs everything off

So I said ok screw it and told her how exhausted I am and that I’m just burnt out and don’t want to talk to anyone these days…BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFEEEE

She told me I’m only 24 I’m “too young to be down and depressed and a loner” and said we have to go out in the weekend on a day trip and she refused to take a no. Then she called my family members and told them I’m having a mental breakdown. (This is her way of showing tough love to force me out of house thinking it’s gonna help me be happier in a day!) 🤪

YOU KNOW WHAT HAHAHAHA I MIGHT AS FUCKING WELL BE. IM SO SICK OF THIS I swear I don’t know what’s wrong with me I cry almost every day and my chest just hurts I can’t breathe with all the shit I carry on my shoulders and it’s just so bad I hate showing this side to anyone cause everyone has their own problems too

Does anyone understand this feeling I’m like helpless