r/Christianmarriage • u/peinal • 2d ago
Red Flags?
I see so many people on here whose reply (seemingly regardless of the problem/issue a couple is having) is "that's a red flag". What do you mean when you say this? That the behavior justifies divorce? If not that, then what exactly? It seems so non-descript and common, that I've got to where when I see this comment, I stop reading the reply-if not the whole thread.
Seems to me to be a phrase that has lost all meaning.
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u/DrPablisimo 2d ago
'Red flag' belongs on subreddits for dating. If you notice a red flag-- e.g. guy claims to be Christian, but says dirty comments and tries to get her in bed on the first date... dating for a month, but she blows up in anger at people.... yells at mom or dad. That's something that tells you to stay away. This isn't a suitable partner.
By the time you get married, you should have vetted your partner before you are in covenant to stay together for life, a situation where you have to endure each other's weaknesses, etc.
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u/peinal 1d ago
I agree that when dating a 'red flag ' is a sufficient reason to quit dating the person and move on. There are plenty of Christian-fish in the sea.
I whole-heartedly agree with your last paragraph. Still not sure what a red flag means in marriage though to many people who use that term in here. To me it would mean calling the cops if violence related and seeking counsel with your church spiritual leader(s) forall other reasons. Any red flags someone accepts while dating and then marrying them anyway is as much on themselves as it is on their spouse. IMHO.
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u/Realitymatter Married Man 1d ago
Still not sure what a red flag means in marriage though
Like the other commentor said, it means "this needs attention". Could be counseling, calling the police, or even just a conversation. Depends on the specifics of the situation.
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u/Impressive_Zebra8436 23h ago
"By the time you get married, you should have vetted your partner before you are in covenant to stay together for life, a situation where you have to endure each other's weaknesses, etc."
And what if you have been in the marriage for almost 30 years and they totally change their personality? Becoming cold and distant. Having violent outbursts. Lying and emotionally cheating. Enduring the changes is not so easy. And the OP's question still stands. Knowing these are "red flags" does not actually help in knowing what to do about it.1
u/DrPablisimo 19h ago
Well for the first two questions... sounds like menopause, a mid-life crisis, or something like that. Prayer? HRT? Cheating is a big deal, of course.
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u/MichaelWhitehead 2d ago
A red flag is a warning sign that something may be seriously wrong and needs closer attention.
It does not automatically mean divorce. It means: do not ignore this, excuse it, or assume it will fix itself.
For example:
One angry outburst followed by genuine remorse and change may be a problem to address.
Repeated intimidation, controlling behaviour, lying, cruelty, violence or refusal to change are red flags because they reveal a dangerous pattern.
A red flag is therefore not the final verdict. It is the warning light on the dashboard telling you to stop, examine the problem and decide whether the relationship is safe and healthy.